Chapter Text
A school bus pulled up to a curb, slowing to a halt and opening its door. Two kids stepped off- a pink-eyed boy in a gray t-shirt & shorts, and a green-eyed girl in a striped shirt & overalls. Both had messy black hair and a pale complexion.
As the door closed again and the bus drove away, the boy began to run down the sidewalk, the girl following behind him. Though she attempted to catch up, the boy was just too fast.
“I’m gonna tell them!” the pink-eyed boy taunted.
“Don’t!” the green-eyed girl pleaded. “You promised you wouldn’t tell anyone about this!”
“Nuh-uh,” the pink-eyed boy shook his head. “I said I wouldn’t. Totally different from a promise. I even crossed my fingers just to be safe.”
“Ally, please!”
“Lilith, how many times do I have to say my name’s Aleister! Ally’s a girl’s name!”
“I know,” Lilith began laughing. “That’s why I call you that!”
“Ugh,” Aleister frowned, “if I wasn’t telling Mom & Dad before, I definitely am now!”
“Wait,” Lilith stopped laughing. “Ally, come on!”
The siblings’ sprint eventually led the two to their home, a two-floor building with a sign reading “GRAVES’ GRINDHOUSE”. The ground floor was the Grindhouse itself, a butcher shop where their parents worked. To the right of the storefront was a door leading upstairs to their family’s apartment.
Within the Grindhouse, Lilith & Aleister’s mother, Ashley Graves, was in the back chopping a slab of beef. Their father, Andrew Graves, was setting up cuts of meat in the display cases. Though Andrew & Ashley were now 42 & 40 respectively, they had aged fairly well. One could easily mistake them for being half a decade younger, and indeed many people did.
As the front door opened, both turned to face it and saw their kids, out of breath from their race home.
“Aleister! Lilith! Welcome home!” Ashley greeted.
“Welcome home,” Andrew repeated in a much calmer tone. “Have fun at school?”
“That’s not important!” Aleister said. “But do you wanna guess what is?”
“Uh-”
“No, no! Don’t guess-”
“Lilith likes a boyyyy!” Aleister cut her off in a sing-song voice.
“Ally!” Lilith shoved her brother. “You said you wouldn’t tell anyone!”
“Lilith, don’t push your brother,” Ashley frowned.
“And Aleister, be more respectful of your sister’s wishes,” Andrew added.
“I will when she gets my name right,” Aleister grumbled. Andrew sighed, he knew all too well what that was like.
“So, a boy, huh?” Ashley eyed Lilith curiously.
Lilith hesitated before nodding.
“Go on, tell us the details!” Ashley smiled in encouragement.
“There’s this boy in my grade,” Lilith explained, more willing to share now that the rabbit was out of the bag. “He’s got dirty blond hair and blue eyes like the ocean and freckles and I only get to see him at lunch and recess, but he’s just so cute!”
Aleister rolled his eyes and stuck out his tongue in disgust.
“First crush, huh?” Ashley sighed wistfully. “I remember when I first fell in love with your father… Wait, no I don’t. I was a baby.”
Lilith & Aleister nodded. Their parents had known each other their whole lives, and although the exact details seemed to change a little each time the story was told, they couldn’t yet make sense of what all these inconsistencies meant.
“Either way, it seems you’ve got your heart set on him,” Andrew observed.
“Yeah,” Lilith sighed. “There’s just one problem.”
“What’s that?” Ashley asked.
“There’s another girl who’s in my class, and I think he likes her more.”
Ashley began to chop through the cut of beef with a lot more force, enough that Andrew prepared to walk over to make sure she didn’t cut herself by accident.
“Another girl?” she spat, venom in her voice.
“Yeah,” Lilith nodded. “He’s always sitting with her at lunch and whenever recess comes along they always play with each other. I don’t think he’s said a word to me.”
“Well, have you asked him to play?” Andrew asked. “He might not know you want to spend time with him if you don’t tell him.”
“I’ve tried, but the girl always tells me to go away because she’s already playing with him.”
“I see,” Ashley chopped through the cut of beef so hard Andrew was worried she’d get the cleaver stuck in the cutting board. “Sounds to me like you’ve got a hussy problem.”
“Ashley,” Andrew facepalmed. “We are not explaining to a second-grader and a kindergartener what that is.”
“What what is?” Lilith asked.
“I think Dad means ‘hussy,’” Aleister explained.
“Oh. What’s a hussy?”
“A hussy,” Ashley cut off Andrew before he could even get in a single word, “is a no-good jerk that finds out who other people like and steals them away!”
“Lily, Aleister,” Andrew sighed, “please ignore-”
“Yeah! That’s it!” Lilith lit up. “I’ve got a hussy problem!”
Andrew groaned loudly. “You know what? Forget this. I’m gonna go help Alex with her homework,” he said before leaving the Grindhouse and walking upstairs to the Graves’ apartment.
“Is Dad okay?” Aleister asked.
“He’s fine,” Ashley insisted. “He just thinks you shouldn’t have to learn about hussies.”
“But you don’t?”
“Of course not. I once thought I’d taken enough precautions to where I’d never have to deal with one. That was, until… her. ”
“Her?”
“Long before you two or even your sister were born, your father was stolen away by a no-good, backstabbing, treacherous yellow-eyed hussy. It took me five years to get him back.”
“Oh no!” Lilith yelled.
“Hey, hey, don’t worry. I won in the end. And my experience means I know how to help you! So allow me to teach you my ways.”
“Gladly,” Lilith nodded.
Ashley grinned devilishly. “Aleister, go upstairs and join your father and older sister.”
“But Mom, I wanna hear!” Aleister whined.
“Sorry, sweetie. This is girl talk.”
“Bet you’re wishing you accepted the nickname Ally now,” Lilith snickered as her brother reluctantly left the Grindhouse and went upstairs.
Now that it was just mother and daughter, Ashley donned a serious expression.
“Alright,” Ashley began, “If I’m gonna teach you, let’s start with the basics. First off- I don't mean to alarm you, but hussies are everywhere. ”
“Everywhere?” Lilith repeated.
“Everywhere. They can be at school, at summer camp, at the movie theater…”
“Wait. If they’re everywhere, are there hussies here?! Are Alex & Aleister hussies?!”
“…Okay, maybe hussies aren’t everywhere, ” Ashley conceded. “But you’re wary. On the lookout. That’s good. Means you’re less likely to be caught off-guard.”
Lilith nodded.
“Now, this may be the first time you’re encountering a hussy, but as much as I wish it would be the last, it won’t be. You need to know how to deal with them.”
“Teach me your ways, Mom. I need to know how to find these hussies.”
“There’s no guaranteed way to identify a hussy until it’s too late,” Ashley admitted. “And even if you know you’re dealing with one ahead of time, you might not realize how serious it is at first…”
Ashley’s eye twitched.
“…At least, not until that hussy takes your soulmate to prom and fucks him all while you can’t do anything about it because your parents grounded you for causing a scene and told you to let your brother have his fun even though he didn’t even want to fuck her he’d rather have fucked you and god it all worked out in the end but why’d he have to lose it to her it’s not fair it’s not fair- ”
Ashley snapped out of her rant as she realized Lilith was still there listening to everything she had to say.
“How much of that did you pick up on?”
“I heard all of it. I understood none of it.”
“Good,” Ashley sighed in relief. “I guess you should just remember this- when it comes to potential hussies at school, trust nobody and always keep your guard up even if you’ve identified the threat.”
“Got it,” Lilith nodded.
“Now, if you want to decisively deal with a hussy, there’s no better tool than violence.”
“Understood,” Lilith crossed her arms. “I’ll take her out back and beat the snot out of her!”
“No, no, we’re not talking beatdowns on the blacktop,” Ashley shook her head. “Hand-to-hand combat might not always end well. If you want the advantage during a fight, you need to be armed.”
Ashley held up the cleaver in her hand, displaying it in all its glory for Lilith to see.
“Your father and I use many cleavers in the Grindhouse, but this one is special. It’s an old family heirloom that’s helped your father & I out through tough times.”
“Wow,” Lilith eyed the cleaver in awe.
“I never needed it for hussies myself, but clearly times have changed. I hereby christen this the Hussy Slayer!”
“Hussy Slayer,” Lilith parroted.
“I’ll put it in your backpack tomorrow. You know what to do.”
Lilith nodded. She did know what to do.
The boy of her dreams would soon be a reality. And no hussy would stand in the way of that. There was absolutely no way this plan would go wrong.
“Mr. & Mrs. Graves. You’re probably wondering why I called you here,” said the elementary school principal, an older woman with a perpetual frown.
Andrew & Ashley sat in chairs across from the principal’s desk. Lilith sat in her mother’s lap, sulking.
“To be honest, yeah,” Ashley shrugged. “I thought I was done being called into the principal’s office over two decades ago.”
“During lunchtime a student saw a meat cleaver inside your daughter’s backpack,” the principal explained as she crossed her arms. “When confronted, she denied that it was there. She still hasn’t acknowledged it.”
Andrew buried his head in his hands in frustration. Ashley didn’t react at all until she realized her non-response was suspicious, at which point she belted out “WHAT?!” at the top of her lungs.
“It’s not just a meat cleaver,” Lilith muttered. “It’s the Hus-”
“Lilith, please,” Ashley cut her off.
“Now answer me honestly. Did Lilith pack that on her own or did one of you pack it for her?”
“Uh…” Ashley racked her brain for a solution. “Oh! I, uh, put it in there so Lilith could cut her sandwich!”
Andrew and the principal both turned to look at her, dumbfounded. Lilith decided it would be wise to keep quiet.
“…You couldn’t have given her a plastic knife for that?” the principal asked.
“I couldn’t find any!”
The principal facepalmed. Her blood pressure was through the roof.
“Let me get this straight,” she shook her head. “You couldn’t find plastic knives to give your daughter… so rather than do something rational like cut the sandwich yourself at home… you let her take a meat cleaver to school?!”
Ashley nodded like her life depended on it.
“How is this not the worst thing I’ve seen in my time at this school…” the principal muttered. “It might not even be the worst thing I’ve seen from you. Mrs. Graves, this really feels like something that should’ve been obvious, but blades like a cleaver aren’t allowed on school grounds. Someone could get hurt.”
Yeah, that was the fucking plan, Ashley bit her lip. “I’ll keep that in mind.”
“Good. Now, I’m sending Lilith home for the day. Since she wasn’t responsible for this I won’t mark it against her, but I will mark it against you. Don’t let something like this happen again, or I’ll have to get the authorities involved.”
“Yeah, yeah,” Ashley rolled her eyes.
“Mr. Graves, maybe you should be the one packing your kids’ lunches from now on. All of them. I don’t think the middle school would’ve been nearly as lenient if Alex was caught with a cleaver.”
“Sounds good,” Andrew sighed. “I just have one question.”
“Ask away.”
“Are we getting that cleaver back? It’s been in our family for over 20 years.”
“ And it’s been in our family- OW OW OW!” Ashley yelled as Andrew pinched her thigh.
The principal sighed. “Fine, you can have the cleaver back. Keep a closer eye on it next time, will you?”
Andrew & Ashley nodded. As the meeting wrapped up, the Graves family retrieved their cleaver and left school grounds. Now alone, the principal slammed her head into her desk.
“This fucking family, I swear.”
“…Mom? Dad?” Lilith called out from the backseat of the car as Andrew drove her & Ashley back home. “Am I in trouble?”
“Depends. Did you know the cleaver was in your bag before you got on the bus?” Andrew asked.
“…Yes.”
“Hmm. Then yeah, you’re in trouble.”
“What?!” Lilith cried out. “That’s not fair! Mom’s the one who-”
“Your mother is also in trouble,” Andrew briefly shot Ashley a glare. “As for you, Lily, when we get home I want you to go up to your room and do whatever homework you got before lunch. You’re grounded for tonight, so no extra TV time before bed.”
“Fine,” Lilith sighed, and hearing his daughter so upset almost made Andrew rescind the punishment right then and there. But he did not want this to be a repeat incident, so he had to put his foot down.
…He would probably end up letting her watch some extra TV. Less than usual, but some. God, he was a pushover.
That said, it helped that Lilith didn’t act alone.
“Speaking of your mother also being in trouble,” Andrew’s brow furrowed. “Ashley, I know you didn’t pack that cleaver to help Lily cut her sandwich.”
“Huh?”
“I was there when you told Lily she was dealing with a…”
“Hussy,” Lilith butted in.
“…Yeah. It’s not difficult to connect that to you sending her to school with a cleaver.”
“Well, what was I supposed to do?” Ashley argued back. “She went to me for help!”
“Did she? Or did she accept your own offer to help instead?”
Ashley looked off to the side, her silence saying volumes.
“Forget it,” Andrew shook his head. “Even if she went to you first, it’s on you for agreeing to help.”
“If you had such a problem with it, why didn’t you say anything in the principal’s office?”
“Because I didn’t want the cops called! I’m honestly amazed they weren’t called as soon as that student noticed the cleaver!”
“Cops?!” Lilith exclaimed. “Am I going to jail?!”
“No, honey,” Andrew responded. “I promise that you’re not going to jail. We won’t tell anyone about why you really brought that cleaver, and if anyone ever gets wise, we won’t let them take you away, okay?”
“Okay,” Lilith nodded.
The rest of the ride home was in silence. Once they reached their apartment building and Andrew unlocked the door, Lilith stomped up the stairs in a huff.
“Ashley, can you go join her? I don’t want to leave her alone up there.”
“Fine,” Ashley reluctantly agreed and walked upstairs as well. She loved her daughter, but she still wasn’t entirely comfortable with separating from Andrew for any period of time.
Following Lilith closely, Ashley was barely able to prevent Lilith’s bedroom door from being slammed in her face.
“Lilith? Are you okay?”
“I’m fine,” Lilith grumbled. “Just mad.”
“Please don’t be. Your father loves you, he’s just concerned about you getting in trouble.”
“I know,” Lilith flopped down onto her bed. “I’m not mad at Dad. I’m mad at that hussy for getting away.”
“Hmm,” Ashley nodded. “I understand.”
“She thinks she’s all that just because she doesn’t need training wheels anymore!” Lilith complained. “Ally doesn’t have training wheels, that doesn’t make him any less lame!”
Ashley sighed, wishing she could do something to help.
Then she got an idea. An awful idea. Ashley got a wonderful, awful idea.
“You said the hussy had a bike with no training wheels?”
“Yeah. She rides it to school every day and she thinks it makes her so cool.”
“She rides it to school?!” Ashley exclaimed as if she won the lottery. “Meaning it’s there right now?!”
“Yeah, probably,” Lilith sulked.
Ashley’s evil smile could give the Grinch a run for his money. “Lilith, worry not. By tomorrow that hussy will no longer be a problem.”
“Yay!” Lilith sat up and cheered. “Hussy begone!”
Hussy begone indeed, Ashley thought. Hussy begone indeed.
Work at the Grindhouse had been slow, yet Andrew was more exhausted than he’d been in a long time. Having to rein in Ashley was tiring enough, but Lilith was proving to be quite the handful as well, moreso than when Alex & Aleister were her age.
Still, something about this was oddly comforting.
…On second thought, it was probably just the familiarity.
The shop door opened, but Andrew’s initial assumptions that he had a customer were debunked when Ashley walked through the door instead.
“Need something?” he asked. “Or do you just wanna talk?”
“Where are the wire cutters?” Ashley asked in turn. “I can’t find them anywhere.”
Andrew squinted his eyes in suspicion. He could count the times Ashley had actually used wire cutters on one hand.
“…Why do you care?”
“Oh,” Ashley shrugged, “no reason.”
“Ashley.”
“What? I’m serious!”
Andrew looked at Ashley unamused. “…I have no idea what you’ve got planned, but I know it’s about that girl.”
“What? Noooo…”
“I’m not letting you do it. The heat is way too high now.”
“But-”
“Seriously. Now, I already said I don’t want Lilith upstairs alone, so I’m sending you back up to watch her until Alex gets home. Don’t come back down until then, okay?”
Ashley opened her mouth to argue, but in that moment another wonderful, awful idea came to her.
“Okay,” she held back a smile.
Andrew raised an eyebrow. “Really? You accepted that a bit too quickly.”
“What was I supposed to do, argue?”
“It’s what I was expecting, to be honest.”
“Wha- I bust my back to be the perfect sister, wife, and mother and this is the thanks I get?!”
“…Fine. I’m sorry for implying you would act the same way you usually do.”
“Hmm… I’ll think about accepting that apology while I’m in the apartment behaving myself.”
Ashley left the Grindhouse and walked upstairs. Unfortunately for Andrew, he’d given her the perfect idea. That hussy would get her just desserts, and Ashley wouldn’t even have to miss an airing of Hypergore Splatterbrains .
The middle school let out an hour before the elementary school. Lilith was grounded and Aleister was still in school, but the desync in schedules meant there was still one person Ashley could go to.
While she waited, she looked for the wire cutters. No point in ruining another plan in the exact same way.
At 2:30 PM, the person Ashley sought opened the front door. Though Ashley couldn’t yet see her, the scent of coffee emanating from her was unmistakable. Alex, the occasionally-reliable, always-exhausted eldest child of the Graves family, was finally home.
Alex wore ripped jeans and a black hoodie that matched her black hair, which was tied into a ponytail. She was about the same height as her mother, though as a 14-year-old she was still growing and would definitely be taller soon. After closing the door behind her, she removed her colored contact lenses, revealing two differently-colored eyes- the right pink like her mother’s, the left green like her father’s.
As she walked up the stairs, Alex grabbed a coffee cup from the side pocket of her backpack and began to chug the rest of its contents. She emptied the cup just as she reached the top.
It had been a long day at school, but now that she was finally home, she was ready to just sleep on the couch until dinner-
“THERE YOU ARE, ALEX!”
Alex jumped in shock and dropped the empty cup. She turned to the source of the noise and saw her mother waiting for her.
“You scared the shit out of me,” Alex knelt down and picked up the cup, “I thought you’d be downstairs working.”
“Sorry, sorry. Look, Alex, I have a favor to ask.”
“What is it?” Alex yawned as she went to throw out the cup. Despite having enough caffeine in her system to kill an elephant, Alex often looked like she was about to fall asleep at any moment.
“There’s this girl in your sister’s class who’s proving to be a real hussy. Your sister’s grounded, your brother’s busy at school, and your father’s not letting me do anything about it, so I need you to go down to the elementary school and cut the cable of the hand brake of her bike so that when she tries to stop, she can’t and ends up crashing!”
Alex blinked slowly as she registered what her mother requested.
“…Okay, so just to rephrase this- you want me to get a 5-year-old killed in a traffic accident?”
“She could be 6! I don’t know when her birthday is!”
“Yeah, that year of difference is really changing my mind.”
“Wha- is that a no?”
“Sorry, Mom. I’m not in the mood for vehicular manslaughter today.”
“You don’t have to get her killed! I’ll take her crashing into a wall or something! Anything that gets her out of your sister’s way!”
“Still not interested,” Alex shook her head. “And even if I was, wouldn’t she just be able to use the pedals to brake?”
“Yeah, but kids are stupid! Get rid of the easy solution and they’ll never think of the others!”
“…Mom, did you think this through before you came to me for help?”
“Ugh, you sound like your father! Come on, Alex! I’ll, uh…”
Ashley snapped her fingers as she tried to think of a bargaining chip.
“Oh! If you do this for me, I’ll get you that game you’ve been eyeing that comes out in a couple weeks! What was it, The Table of Satyrs or something?”
“ The Fable of Sayre, ” Alex corrected.
“Yeah, yeah, that! I’ll get it for you if you do this for me!”
Alex perked up. “…Is that a promise?”
Ashley nodded frantically. “I promise!”
Alex thought about it for a minute. Was she really about to throw away her morality for a game?
“…Fine. I’ll do it.”
Yes, she was.
“Yes!” Ashley pumped her fist. “Here’s the wire cutters. Your father knows I was looking for them, so don’t let him see that you have them. Got it?”
“Got it,” Alex stuffed the wire cutters into her hoodie pocket. Dreams of a new game in mind, she walked downstairs and out of the apartment…
…A mere five minutes later, she walked back upstairs with Andrew right behind her. Andrew was now holding the wire cutters, and he looked pissed.
“How the hell did you get caught already?!” Ashley yelled in disbelief.
“Sorry, Mom,” Alex averted her gaze. “I, uh, told Dad myself. He realized immediately that you set me up to do your dirty work and told me he’d double whatever you offered if I didn’t go through with it.”
“I live in a den of snakes!” Ashley lamented. “What are you even gonna do with two copies of the same game?!”
“Yeah, Dad asked that too,” Alex sighed. “So instead he offered to pre-order the collector’s edition with the artbook and special figurine!”
“I can get you that!”
“Yeah, but Dad also brought up a really valid point!”
“And that is?”
“I can’t play The Fable of Sayre in juvie!”
Ashley groaned. “Damn this family and not wanting to get in trouble!”
Andrew shook his head. “Ashley, our room. We need to talk.”
Lying down on the bed, Ashley watched Andrew close their bedroom door. Now alone, he looked at Ashley with a frown on his face and crossed his arms.
“…Why?” he asked.
“Why what?”
“Why are you so invested in getting rid of Lilith’s rival?”
“Why shouldn’t I be? As Lilith’s mother, it’s in my best interest that she gets everything she wants.”
“And as Lily’s father, it’s in my best interest that she doesn’t ruin her life in the process.”
“More like it’s in your best interest to deny her love. I don’t want her to go through the same shit I went through!”
“I understand your desire to get rid of romantic rivals,” Andrew conceded. “What I don’t understand is why you think this is gonna end the way you want.”
“What do you mean?”
“Well, let’s look at a hypothetical scenario,” Andrew suggested. “If nobody noticed that cleaver in Lily’s bag, if she had managed to use it on that girl like you planned, do you really think that boy would want to date her after?”
“Uh…”
“Don’t you think he’d be absolutely terrified of her instead?”
Ashley tried to think of a rebuttal and came up short. “…He probably would be, yeah.”
“Right. Trying to force someone to like you rarely goes well. In fact, it can make someone who already likes you start to dislike you instead.”
“Hmm,” Ashley bit her lip. “That sounds…”
“Familiar?”
Ashley nodded. “Yeah. Yeah, it does. I just… All our kids deserve the world. And if I can’t give it to them, I feel like that’s on me.”
Andrew’s cold expression softened considerably.
“When we conceived Alex on our parents’ tombstone, we made a promise to raise our kids better than we were raised,” Ashley continued. “What good am I if I can’t live up to that promise and do everything in my power to make them happy?”
“Okay…” Andrew joined Ashley on the bed and pulled her into a hug. “Ignoring that our parents were so bad we’d have to try to be worse, this whole song and dance doesn’t reflect on how good you are as a mother. As a person, holy shit you tried to get a child killed, but that’s nothing new for either of us and it’s not the point.”
“What is the point, then?”
“The point is, you care about our kids.”
“Of course I do. I made them with you.”
“Yeah. And I think caring about Lily matters more than any temporary satisfaction she would get from a kindergarten boyfriend she’s probably not keeping longer than a week.”
“…You’re right. God, I hate how often I have to say that.”
“Really? I wish I could hear it more.”
Ashley rolled her eyes. “…Andrew? Do you really think I’m doing a good job?”
“Well, I’m not a fan of you trying to bribe our eldest to hurt a child, but other than that you’re doing fine.”
Andrew could practically feel the happiness radiating from his sisterwife.
“You believe me, right?” he asked.
“Yeah,” Ashley answered. “I believe you.”
“Good. So no more trying to kill that child.”
“I won’t, I promise. And I’ll tell Lilith not to either. Instead, I’ll tell her how to win that boy over with the Graves family charm!”
“That’s better,” Andrew sighed in relief. “Our daughter’s a sweet girl. If that boy passes on her, it’s his loss.”
The next morning, Andrew & Ashley stood at the bus stop with their two younger children, Alex having already left for middle school an hour prior.
“Today’s the day. Today I’m gonna go up to that boy and make him mine!” Lilith said confidently as she adjusted her backpack, this time devoid of cleavers.
“You got this, sweetie!” Ashley gave her youngest a thumbs-up.
“No hussies can stop me now!”
“…Y’know, I really wish you hadn’t taught her that word,” Andrew gave his sisterwife a disappointed look.
“Why not? It’s fun to say. Hey, Aleister! Say hussy!”
“Uh, hussy!”
Andrew groaned. “I didn’t realize how lucky we were to not go through this when Alex was Lilith’s age.”
“What do you mean we?” Ashley rolled her eyes. “ You didn’t do anything to help Lilith.”
Andrew groaned again. “…I love you, Ashley, but you are so exhausting.”
“Nonsense. I’m invigorating.”
As the two bantered, the school bus arrived, with Aleister & Lilith boarding. Andrew & Ashley waved their kids goodbye, and began the walk back to the Grindhouse shortly after.
“I’ll give you this,” Andrew conceded, “Lilith seems very prepared.”
“Of course she does. I spent an hour last night coaching her on what to say.”
“I see,” Andrew nodded. “Ashley, just so we’re clear- you do know that this won’t last more than a week, right? They’ll either forget they’re even together or they’ll just lose interest.”
“Yeah, yeah, you said that already,” Ashley sighed. “But that’s okay, because it’ll be the best damn week of our little girl’s life!”
Andrew couldn’t help but smile at the thought of Lilith so happy. “Yeah, it will be.”
The first half of the day went by without issues. Aside from the occasional customer, Andrew & Ashley had the Grindhouse largely to themselves.
However, shortly after noon, Andrew’s cell phone began to ring.
“This is the elementary school’s number,” Andrew said with concern.
“I swear I’m innocent,” Ashley said preemptively. “Whatever they say I did, I’ve been set up!”
“I never said you did something. I even triple-checked the kids’ backpacks just to be sure.”
“Then why do you sound so worried?”
“Well, something’s up if they’re calling us at lunchtime two days in a row.”
“Hmm, true. What is it, then?”
“Let’s find out,” Andrew said before accepting the call. “Hello? Yes, this is Mr. Graves… Oh. Oh. That’s… not good. Oh. Yeah, I understand. Be there soon. Bye.”
Andrew hung up. “It’s about Lily again,” he told Ashley.
“ What’s about Lilith again?”
“Uh, how long has it been since she bit someone?”
“Hmm. About three months, I think?”
Andrew shook his head in disappointment. “Damn. One month short of a new record, too.”
Once again, Andrew & Ashley found themselves in the principal’s office at around lunchtime. Lilith was sitting on the floor crying.
“Nobody saw the start of the fight,” the principal explained. “And I struggle to even call it that from how one-sided it was. The only thing anyone did see was your daughter biting a boy’s arm and kicking him in the groin at least twice.”
“It was three times,” Lilith mumbled, her voice shaky. “That ocean-eyed jerk had it coming.”
Ocean-eyed… Andrew considered his daughter’s words. Wait a minute. Blue eyes like the ocean… Oh no.
“…Lily?” he asked aloud. “Is the boy you attacked the same boy you were gonna ask out today?”
Lilith nodded, still crying.
“Okay… Why’d you attack him?”
“He rejected me!” Lilith sobbed. “He said I was weird and creepy and that my eyes were too green and that he heard I was a vampire and that I should just go back to my cave with a bunch of bats because nobody in their right mind would want to date me!”
Andrew & Ashley froze.
“…He really said all that?” Andrew asked.
“We only have her word on it,” the principal explained. “As I said, nobody saw the start of the fight, and the boy she attacked claims she did so unprovoked.”
“No shit he said that!” Ashley scoffed. “You really think he’d fess up to provoking her?”
“Yeah, I gotta agree,” Andrew nodded. “Do you really believe that Lilith would attack someone for no reason?”
“Hmm. Well, what I think doesn’t matter, because without proof it’s his word against hers. And he’s the one seeing the doctor for tetanus shots.”
“And she’s the one bawling her eyes out!” Ashley argued.
“…Look, regardless of motive, she attacked him. Plain and simple.”
Andrew & Ashley sighed. That much was true.
“I’m sending her home for the day- again. And she’s suspended for two more days per school policy. Since today’s Wednesday, that means she can come back to school on Monday-”
“As if!” Lilith yelled. “I’m never coming back to school again!”
Lilith stood up and bolted from the principal’s office. Andrew & Ashley hastily bid the principal farewell before getting up and running after her.
She didn’t make it very far, however. She ran out of energy near the front door of the school and flopped onto the floor, weighed down by her backpack.
As Andrew & Ashley caught up to their daughter, they saw her facedown on the ground, the sounds of her crying now muffled. They then turned to each other with frowns on their faces and murder in their hearts.
“Andrew?”
“Yeah?”
“I’m gonna fucking kill that boy.”
“No you’re not.”
“Yeah? Give me one good reason why not.”
“Because I’m gonna kill him.”
“Hmm. We’ll rock-paper-scissors for it?”
“Okay. Rock.”
“Paper.”
“Sci-”
*hic*
*sob*
Andrew & Ashley immediately stopped what they were doing and turned towards Lilith, who was still on the floor sobbing. They then glanced at each other, whispered among themselves for a bit, and nodded.
They wanted to enact vengeance on the boy who broke their daughter’s heart. They knew what they needed to do instead. Kneeling down, Ashley grabbed Lilith’s backpack while Andrew took Lilith herself into his arms.
“Hey, Lily,” Andrew cradled his daughter. “How do you feel about pulling Alex & Aleister out of school early and going out for ice cream?”
Lilith immediately stopped crying and broke out into an excited smile.
“Ice cream! I want black cherry!”
“We’ll get you all the black cherry ice cream you can eat, then.”
A little while later, the Graves family was seated at the local ice cream parlor. Andrew & Ashley were at one table with milkshakes. Their children were sitting at the table next to them; Alex with a bowl of coffee ice cream, Aleister with a double-scoop mint chocolate chip cone, and Lilith with a large black cherry sundae.
“…We’ve gone soft,” Ashley remarked as she & Andrew watched their children enjoy their frozen treats. “In our prime we would’ve done this and gotten back at that kid for making our daughter cry.”
“Yeah,” Andrew stirred his milkshake. “We probably would have.”
“I’m glad we aren’t doing both, though. Gives us more time for this.”
Andrew nodded. “Can’t remember Mom & Dad ever taking us to get ice cream.”
“They didn’t. Jeez, they made parenting seem so hard.”
“I mean, it’s not like it’s been easy. We’re just putting in more effort. And as low as the bar is, as good as I think we’re doing, I’ll reserve final judgment on how well we did until I’m sure our kids won’t murder us in a basement ten years later.”
“Hmm. Yeah, that’s fair.”
“…That said, we’re probably on the right track in terms of avoiding that fate.”
Smiling in satisfaction at her brother-husband’s words, Ashley went to go take a sip from her milkshake but instead paused in confusion.
“Hey, didn’t my milkshake have a cherry on top?”
Andrew chuckled and revealed the cherry in his hand.
“Should’ve been paying more attention. That’s twice now I’ll get the honor of popping your cherry,” Andrew said with smug glee before putting the fruit in his mouth and biting down on it.
“Ugh, you thief…” Ashley grumbled before getting an idea. Leaning in close, she bit down on the end of the cherry sticking out of Andrew’s teeth, attempting to pull as much of it as she could from his mouth.
At least, that’s what Ashley told herself as her & Andrew playing tug-of-war with their mouths quickly turned into the two making out.
Meanwhile, Alex, Aleister, & Lilith watched the scene unfold from their own table.
“Mom & Dad are at it again,” Aleister commented.
"Ewwww," Lilith grimaced. “Are they making babies?”
“Not right now,” Alex shook her head.
“But at this rate, I’d be surprised if you stayed the youngest.”