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A series of events played out in front of me. The story of a galaxy streaked with war, one that played out a long, long time ago. I was able to see it all. The beginning. The end. And the after. Although, the end for me was not the end for the rest of the galaxy. No, I wouldn’t even consider myself a main character in the long string of memories that slid through my dying mind.
I remember the Jedi Master from when I was just a padawan, telling me that when they die, and even when I pass eventually, the memories from a thousand men will push through my consciousness as I become one with the force. In short, your life and beyond plays out right before you die.
And that’s what I felt then. A play of every moment in my life flashed before my eyes as I fell to my death.
My only thought… how could I have changed this turn of events? Did I let my anger and fear get the best of me? If I had just let him go with obi wan, could all of this have been avoided? Was Anakin… right, despite all his faults?
I closed my eyes before the ground hit.
No. Nothing I, or anyone else could have changed the rest of this story. This was already set in stone. I was living in the past. The force works in mysterious ways, and for some to become who they are- who they need to be for others, some must fall. That is the way of the world and the greater force.
I know this. I know all of this. But it didn’t make the harsh disappointment any less painful. The disappointment in me, in Anakin… and what the future held.
When I closed my eyes.
I let myself be disappointed. Be upset. Hold the emotions I couldn’t as a Jedi. And dispersed before I even hit the ground.
It was dark, but only for a moment. Then I was everywhere at once. The anger, the fear, the grief all flaked away and the good of the light engulfed me. My mind wasn’t just mine anymore. It was every other Jedi that came before me, and would come to be. I had the knowledge of a thousand Jedi, Sentinel and Civilians. Everything I was, suddenly wasn’t. I existed but my consciousness wavered. I didn’t see, but I felt the presence of my fallen Jedi friends. I felt warm, and near happy, despite the normalcy being gone.
I couldn’t take my mind off the massacre that would soon to come. Despite everything I’ve learned and what I am now apart of. I felt… not guilt. No… being apart of the force, ashla, the dichotomy of bad and good- whatever you want to call the end, it protects you from the negative effects of that. I knew destiny was set in stone.
But I also knew they were missing. Obi Wan. Yoda… and eventually Anakin.
I… didn’t know how to feel about that last one.
I knew they were out there, guiding future Jedi, in their own way… perpetually stuck in a moment of time.
I should’ve stayed. That’s what other Jedi would’ve done. Have done. Even the other masters, and they deserve their chance at peace and eternal understanding.
But that has never, and will never be who I am.
The illusion was shattered. A million shards of possibilities, other times, other realities other decisions danced through my form. The truth of what had occurred after my death was apparent. I chose to see what had happened after what Anakin had done-
That wasn’t fair of me.
I didn’t choose to go back to Coruscant, my force ghost brushing through rooms of the carnage, just to lament over Anakin’s mistakes. No, I did this.
Every one of us had a choice in Anakin’s outcome- and yet, the choice was set in stone. Anakin was never the chosen one. His son had to be. The future and the will of life forms is destined. Was there really a way to save him? To save the thousands of lost Jedi, padawans and innocent civilians caught in the crossfire? Was any of it, really our choice? Or the choice that was thrust upon us by a higher being?
Despite my temporal existence, I still do not know all the answers. But I did know this.
Coming back to this place was all but pretty. Self actualizing back into the 3rd dimension let the dark side, the guilt, the hate, the suffering all come flooding back. I couldn’t cry though, it was as if I was watching a holocron and nothing was quite focused. But the pain… the pain was very real. I felt the pulse of a deep black aura, and found myself floating above Anakin skywalker. Future sith lord. Father. Terrorist.
His eyes were dull, but trained. A black hooded cloak, flowing behind him, covering the halls in a hazy shadow.
I am reminded of why I came back.
I must atone.
Maybe it was always meant to play out the same way. Maybe there was no happy endings. But I know my responsibility is to my fellow force-wielders, and with my choices I let them all down.
I let myself disperse across the galaxy. I was everywhere all at once, hovering above it all. I was able to watch every death. Every shot. The start of Order 66. And I would watch it on loop. Till the end of time.
I watched the children, hiding behind the chairs and tables, just to get slaughtered for selfish attachments. Crying, running nowhere but their own demise.
I saw Obi Wan defeat his only padawan, his last attachment. His pain, the tears the sickness. The betrayal. It was all very real to me. He walked away. Another fatal mistake, but the more times I watched.. the more I came to understand. I don’t know if I could’ve done the same.
The worst feeling, watching my own padawan… my student. Overcome by bullets, sacrificing herself for her own. She was so strong. Every. Single. Time. I watched her death, I’d try to remember why I was so distant. Afraid, I realized.
I was scared of this very thing, yet I thought it was caused by selfish attachments… but the problem was never my feelings, it was the denial of them. Could I, or any Jedi, truly let go and become one with the force, if we pushed everything down- because of fear.
Fear is the path to the dark side. Bravery is not its opposite, nor it’s the savior. The only thing that could defeat “fear”- is acceptance.
Acceptance of death, change, and not needing to know all of the answers.
So I watched my padawan die. Again. And again. And for the first time in decades I allowed myself to feel sad. Angry. And I let them go.
I felt the true balance of the force, the ebb and flow of time. And I accepted it. I never stopped feeling for them. My empathy and heart never lost its way. I continued punishing myself for my misdeeds.
I knew it was wrong, but it was too late. I made my choice. I made my bed the minute I underestimated Young Skywalker. Now I had to lie in it.
The last thing I did, was an easy choice.
I appeared to my padawan, now Jedi master, Depa Billaba. And I warned her. She knew what was to come and choose to save her padawan. And that kid in time, will learn what we had, and teach it to his own.
Attachments can be strength. They can help guide your decisions towards the light. And they can be everything good in this realm. As long as you accept the inevitable loss that comes with it, breathe in and let go.
Something not even Master Yoda was able to do, till the very end.
So now I watch over our kind. The overly sensitive. The kind. The brave. The eccentric. The curious. The life forms that are judged and will die because of their ability to see part of the bigger picture. The ones that would be considered Jedi.
For Eternity.
And the end, became the beginning.