Archive of Our Own

Chapter Text

There's this really cool dude sitting at his desk being all chill, like cool dudes like him are prone to do. 

A cool dude like this probably isn't ever going through any inner turmoil. Even if he was, he probably wouldn't ever tell you what it was if you asked. Not that he is. But hypothetically if he was, he’d be way too cool to tell you anything about it. He'd be way too busy for that, too. Busy being totally sweet. THAT'S how cool he is. 

==> Be Dave Strider

Your name is DAVE STRIDER. It is an UNSEASONABLY cold July day. Your BEDROOM WINDOW is tight shut to stop the cold ass air from seeping in, and your FAN is unplugged and hidden in your closet. Right next to your low running supply of apple juice and Cheerios. Just the sight of your fan makes you shiver.. Or maybe it's the lack of air conditioning. 

You try to ignore your coldness by doing something totally chill. 

==> Dave: Work on your SICK BEATS

You're just about to pull up some tracks that you've been drilling for the past few days, when suddenly you get a notification from PESTERCHUM. You wonder who it could be..  

==> Dave: See who it could be

EB: dave!!! dave!!!!
TG: what
EB: guess what!
TG: what
EB: auuuuughhhhh!!!!
TG: whatt!
EB: AUUUUUUGGGHHHH!!!!!
EB: i said GUESS, dave. GUESS.
TG: ok
TG: did you finally get laid? Aw man and i totally missed it.
TG: You probably hired a hooker with big ol knockers and i mean
TG: i mean like gigantic. im talking the size of two boulders glued to her chest. man why didnt you call me?
TG: i wouldve been like those old ass men on omegle.
TG: not that i go on omegle.
TG: cuz everybody knows how many wrinkly ass dicks are on there and man trust me i am NOT into that.
EB: Ew dave. That was gross.
TG: what
TG: gross good or gross bad?
EB: bad gross. Just plain nasty!
TG: shit sorry man
EB: its okay dave just
EB: maybe tune it down a bit?
TG: yeah
TG: sure
EB: hey whered you learn to be so vulgar anyways haha
EB: my dad would KILL me!

==> Dave: Why ARE you so vulgar?

You don't know. Except you DO know but, you don't really know. You know your Bro always talked to YOU like that. But you never found it funny. You know it's a level of irony that only your Bro can reach. But why attempt it if you know you just don't quite get it.

Poor John, his dad would probably beat his ass if he sees some of the messages you send him. You feel bad for making him so uncomfortable. Even though he's only four months younger than you, he's way more innocent in a way. 

Not that he's stupid or uncool, he's one of the coolest kids you've met, but he just doesn't know some of the stuff you do. 

==> Dave: Change the subject.

TG: so what did you want to tell me
EB: oh yeah!
EB: my dad bought me this game,
EB: and its toootally epic!
TG: thats sounds sick
TG: maybe we can play sometime
EB: yeah!
EB: oh man sorry dave, my dads calling me rn. Ugghhh hes the worst! So weird!!
EB: gtg
EB: bye dave!!!
TG: byye

You suddenly don't feel like working on your sick beats anymore. You decide you'll do it later. Because cool guys ALWAYS procrastinate. 

You roll off your chair with your blanket tightly wrapped around your body. You fall to the floor with a THUNK. 

That uhhh never happened. You hope the cameras Bro secretly put in your room didn't catch that. Those sickos who didn't get Bros genius ironic snuff cams probably would probably get off on seeing his little boy self falling on his face. Man. Humiliating!

You get up and leave your room slightly embarrassed. You tiptoe to your kitchen. Your Bro is nowhere to be found. Must be at one of his gigs. The tv is on, displaying graphic violent puppet pornography. You try not to stare.

Awsome! Your hand drawn crayon colored SBHJ picture is hung up on the fridge. Bro must have appreciated your effort. You smile at the acknowledgment of your improving understanding of peak irony. Though you know you'll never be quite as good as your Bro. 

==> Dave: Open the refrigerator.

!? 

Shitty swords and crude puppets topple over you. 

Of course you knew they were in there. You're not even sure why you looked.

If you want to keep any food or beverages in this apartment, you've pretty much got no choice but to hide stuff away in your closet.

It's only on extremely rare occasions the refrigerator is used for its intended purpose and only on rarer that it's being used for its intended purposes for reasons other than as a trap for surprise strife attacks. 

You roll out of the pile of swords and smuppets. When you bump into something. 

?? 

!! 

Shit.

It's your Bro. You didn't even see him come in! He's so cool. You leap to your feet. 

"Hey.” you say coolly.

He nods at you. So cool. Be cool Dave, you remind yourself. 

You adjust your blanket as you stand before him. Shivering like a dumbass. 

“You cold?" he puts a hand to feel your cheek. The rough leather feels warm on your cheek so you nuzzle against it just a little.

“Nah, Bro. It's so hot I thought Matth- uhh. I meant Beyonce.” Bros hand that was before just lightly holding your face clenched harshly. 

“What were you going to say? Gross Dave. None of that gay shit. Not in my house.” he lightly slaps you. 

“No Bro I’m not- It's this guy- er. Celebrity John's like obsessed with. Ha that man is like crack cocaine to John I swear to god-”

Bro cups your face with both his hands and pulls your face closer to his “So John's gay? Your little internet neet? You want to suck his little faggot dick?”

“No no Bro I swear John obsession is totally an ironic thing! It's just a joke.” 

Bros grip on you lightens. “Ah I see. No harm little bro.” he pats you on your back a little too aggressively. “Haha. You're shaking so hard right now. Did I scare you, bro?”

Jesus yes. “No, it's just real cold in here today.” you half-lie.

“You cold lil Bro? Huh. Let's fix that” he guides you by the shoulders to his futon. The puppet porn still playing on the TV. You stand awkwardly as he lays down and opens his arms for you to climb in. 

You must've been six or so the last time he let you be so close to him. You climb in and Bro wraps his arms around you under your blanket. You try not to let this nice moment be spoiled by the gruesome wet sounds of a puppet being used inappropriately against a screaming man's dick. 

You close your eyes and take in your Bros scent and warmth. Because who knows when the next time you'll get another chance to. As you squirm closer you feel something stiff rub against your leg. It couldn't be what you thought it was. He's not like that. He's not gay. And he wouldn't do that to you. His little bro! 

==> Dave: Don't freak out.

“What the fuck is that!" you ask shakily as you attempt to pull away. 

“What's what?” he softly grinds on you. 

“That!” you shriek.

“What do you think?” he asks way too calmly for the situation. 

Gross. Your body goes limp as you stop uselessly thrashing. You bury your face in his chest, refusing to answer his question, hiding into his body and blankets. 

Shiiit. You feel him shift near his crotch area. 

It feels like a thousand bugs are crawling on your skin. Ladybugs, butterflies, ants, beetles, worms, cockroaches, and centipedes. Then he tells you to “Look” he lifts the blanket for you to see. You don't want to. You really don't want to. 

“Look.” he demands again. You’d rather get hurt for not listening than look, but he grips your hair and forces you to look down. 

A stupid fucking bright pink smuppet is laying between his legs. You feel his body shake with laughter while you've been shaking with fear.

He lets you slip out of his arms and you run to your room, face red with humiliation. 

==> Dave: How the hell are you supposed to feel about this??

You just feel so.. So..  So STUPID! Why would you ever think your Bro would do that to you? He's not like that. And the way you were totally about to let him. 

Wiping your tears you sit on your empty bed. You left your blanket and you have no intention of getting it now. You feel so embarrassed. Bro just laughed in your face. 

Dave: Stop fucking SHAKING. 

Pull yourself together, dude! Nothing even happened. But you can't help but feel he took it too far this time. 

No. geez. You need to stop being so sensitive. It was just a prank. A funny, ironic, prank. 

You need to stop thinking about it. 

==> Dave: Distract yourself.

The computer pings with a new notification from PESTERCHUM.   

==> Dave: Look at your computer.

EB: hey dave!!
TG: wgsts up
TG: what did youur dad wannt
EB: hmm?
EB: stares suspiciously
TG: wgat
EB: nothing!
EB: well
EB: why are you typing like that?
TG: sorry

==> Dave: Calm yourself.

Deep breaths. Your hands are still trembling like crazy. It will take you significantly longer to type. 

EB: Dave?
EB: Daave?
TG: sorry
TG: its just cold as balls over here. Got me shivering like a drowned cat who cant swim
EB: haha!
EB: can any cat swim?
TG: probably not
EB: poor kitty!!
EB: but dont you live in texas? Isnt it super hot there?
TG: yeah i guess its supposed to be
TG: i think Bro turned the thermo down
TG: so what did your dad want
EB: eeh he wanted help. With something dumb with the car
EB: i had to hold a flashlight for like an hour!
TG: you poor thing.
EB: youve been talking to rose tooo much
TG: shitt
TG: no you see the difference between me and her is that i said it ironically and she says it semi jokingly.
EB: whats the difference??
TG: ones significantly cooler
EB: if you saay sooo.
TG: i do say so
TG: i say so a million times over

==> Dave: Just stop..

It's pathetic. You're trying to hold a conversation but your heart is just not in it. 

==> Dave: Do something else

You pull up MS PAINT because you remember Rose talking about art being a good way to get your emotions out or something. 

For a moment you just stare at it. It make's your situation make just a little more sense to you.

It's confusing and unfunny and it's perfect.

==> Dave: Click post.