Chapter Text
so in hollyoaks its actually lucas going round dillons.. which makes a lot more sense tbh.. since he was the one who put him in the situation but o well! this is NOT a rewritten canon event , as much as i wish it was <3 enjoy!
lying in hospital, i couldnt stop thinking about dillon. i thought about how different things wouldve been if i hadnt have punched him.
seeing him laid there on the floor, unconscious and bleeding, i felt like a monster. i knew that i didnt deserve to be okay while Dillon wasnt, so i cut my arm with a piece of glass from the ground in the folly.
i quickly felt myself rush out of consciousness, i looked down and saw my hoodie sleeve soaked with blood, the sudden wave of familiar comfort hit me like when i had cut myself before.
after, i sat in that hospital bed, wishing i hadnt cut my arm. i wish i wouldnt have been so stupid as to punch dillon either.
my dad told me i was getting discharged tomorrow and that dillon had been discharged three days before.
i had decided to tell him about dillon, confessing that it was me who had beaten him up. i also confessed that he had told me he loved me, and that i was gay.
i felt guilty telling him that, knowing that deep down this was how i felt all along and wishing i hadnt been so naïve as to listen to carter and try to convert myself into being straight. i had been so blinded by what i thought was right that i forgot what was wrong.
i also felt hopeful, hopeful that now i didnt have to put up a facade. now i could be free to tell dillon how i felt.
now, here i am, sat in my bed. i was discharged 5 days ago and havent seen anyone else but ste, leah and james since. i havent been to school. ste and james havent had anyone come round either.
im holding my phone typing out a text to dillon. i want to tell him im sorry, but i want to tell him in person. i feel like he deserves better than how ive treated him and proposing we hang out is the first step to showing him i dont want to hide any more, i want him to know im serious.
my fingers shake nervously as i type out the message. a hundred different outcomes and possibilities fly by my mind. i finally decide on what to text him. wanting to not wait any longer, i send it.
'hey dillon, i know i may be the last person you want to see right now, and im sorry. but i want to tell you in person how sorry i am. if youre free and if you want to, come round at 2'
a sudden feeling of foolishness fills me. i shouldve given him more time in advance; 4 hours isnt enough. i dont even know if hes in a condition where he can walk well enough to come round.
despite my doubt, my phone immediately flashes with a reply.
'Sure, I'll be there.'
i wasnt expecting him to say yes. in a way i wish he would say more, or at least tell me how hes feeling. but i suppose ill find out soon enough anyway.
ive only showered once since i got home and it stung like hell. a part of me enjoyed the pain, i feel like i deserve it for what i had done to dillon. but another part of me, most of me, wish i hadnt done it at all. the healing wound and the scattered scars a reminder of all the guilt and shame i have been feeling these past few months.
when i get out of the shower i avoid looking at it as much as possible, quickly wrapping it up. i look at myself in the mirror and think of how much my face must contrast with dillons. i havent seen him since but, from my memory, how he looked when he was unconscious on the ground, his face must still be covered with bruises and cuts whereas mine is like nothing ever happened. i briefly think that i deserve my face to look like that, not his.
i quickly shut the thought off and check my phone for the time. im surprised that ste hasnt came to check on me, he must be lying in as its a saturday. leah hasnt spoken much to me these last few days, she probably feels im fragile. despite my usual feeling of wanting to appear brave and hard all the time; i do feel fragile. both physically and mentally.
13:08
i have 50 minutes left to get ready after my shower. i shouldnt have left me getting ready so last minute but i was trying to avoid having a shower as much as possible.
i decide to put a hoodie on, an extra layer of protection. i then put on my tracksuit bottoms and look in the mirror again. although i look the same as i normally do, now that my bandages are not visible, i cant help but think i look different somehow. my features look more softer and tired than usual.
i try not to look at my reflection for too long, feeling tears brimming in my eyes. i wouldnt want dillon to see me cry again.
i decide to go to the living room and have a bowl of cereal. i havent eaten yet.
just as im walking in, ste walks out from his bedroom and into the living room, dressed like hes going out. i figure james isnt home.
im thankful.
'lucas, youre up, thats good! i thought you would be lying in.' ste says
'yeah, um, ive invited dillon around' i say quickly, trying to avoid conversation. i think about how i shouldve asked first, how i sound ruder than i intended to, but dont say anything.
'oh.. do you really think thats a good idea? its just its so soon after what happened.' ste says cautiously.
'um, i thought it would be good to tell him how sorry i am. im going to see him when i go back to school on monday anyway' i reply sheepishly.
'right, yes, well you know you can always have more time to recover you know, you dont need to go to school so soon after.' ste says.
i dont reply, i dont want to tell him that if i spend any more time wondering about dillon, about how he is, how he now feels about me, what hes told people, that ill go crazy.
'okay, well, im happy as long as youre happy.' ste smiles. 'also im going out soon, i have stuff to sort out in the loft, ill be back as soon as i can' ste says.
i can tell theres more he wants to tell me, but i dont push him for it.
i carry on making my cereal, pouring the milk into the bowl and sit down at the table to eat it. i watch tv while eating, when im done eating i decide to watch up the the adverts. i put my bowl in the sink and check my phone.
13:50
i immediately wish i hadnt watched carried on watching tv after i finished eating. i go quickly to the bathroom and brush my teeth.
i decide that i need to stay calm if im going to speak to dillon. i want to try and be as open as i can be, despite the feeling that im falling deeper into a hole that i soon wont be able to climb out of.
i go into the living room and clean up a little, washing up mine and leah's bowl.
i sit down on the settee and go on my phone. i havent gotten any other messages from dillon and i havent replied. just as im wondering if i shouldve replied i hear a knock at the door.
dillon.