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Buck has been watching Eddie’s progress with pride and a heart so full of love it’s about to burst out of his chest. Ever since he broke it off with Marisol and decided to start seeing Frank again he’s been thinking about, and talking about, his sexuality more. He still prefaces everything with a variation of, ‘it took me long enough,’ which Buck always gives him a look or a shove for, but he’s talking about it and that’s what matters.
And he’s doing it openly, which is even more progress.
He talks to Ravi and Hen at the station in between calls, he talks to his sisters and his parents, he talks to Christopher, and he’s so happy about it. Buck loves to see the ease of the conversations and how Eddie shares without anxiety or tension bunching up his shoulders like it used to when Buck would poke and prod at him to share what was going on inside his head.
So he’s not at all surprised to come upstairs at the station and find Eddie telling Chim and Hen how he feels solid on his feet now, how he wants to finally date. He’s not surprised, but he’s also not loving hearing it. He knew it was coming, but he’s been hoping it would take much longer than it has because as long as Eddie’s not dating Buck can keep his little family. Keep his dinners, his movie nights, his science projects. He knows he’s in Eddie and Christopher’s lives forever, he’s no longer afraid of them leaving him, they’ve more than proven that to him, but he knows when Eddie finds a romantic partner his time with them is going to be so much less than what he wants.
Because Buck is greedy. He’s always been greedy where Eddie and Chris are concerned. Greedy for their time and their affection and their love. He’s found a home with them and he wants to hold onto it for as long as he can. After things fell apart with Natalia, and Tommy kissed him, he realized what he’s had all along, and what he’s felt all along. It’s been a long journey getting here and he’s not ready to let it go yet.
“It’s going to take some getting used to,” Eddie says. “It’ll take a few dates to figure out what I’m doing.”
“Dating is dating, man,” Chim says.
“But it almost feels like it’ll be the first time, you know? I’m excited, but nervous too.”
“You’ll be fine,” Hen says.
“I hope he doesn’t mind a few practice drills,” Eddie laughs.
“Is it wrong that I’m hoping for super awkward after-date stories?” Chim asks. “Lots of them?”
Buck sees Eddie make a face at Chim then chuck a blueberry at him. Chim just picks it up and pops it in his mouth. He doesn’t really want to hear anymore about Eddie dating, and pretty soon they’ll notice him hovering by the stairs anyway, so he makes his presence known.
“Well they wouldn’t be any worse than an emergency tracheotomy story so I think you’ll be okay,” he says as he walks over to the couch and plops down.
“I missed so much.” Eddie smiles at him.
“The 1.0 era was beautiful,” Chim says.
“The 1.0 era was embarrassing,” Buck frowns.
“I’m sure it wasn’t that bad,” Eddie says loyally.
“Oh no, it was bad,” Hen says.
Buck just looks at Eddie and shrugs. “I’m not sure you would’ve liked Buck 1.0 very much.”
“Now that I know isn’t true,” Eddie says. “I’d like any version of you.”
Hen gets up from her chair and starts walking towards the kitchen, but she makes a quick stop behind the couch to lean over and wrap an arm around Buck’s shoulders to give him a tight squeeze.
“Buck 1.0 was very sweet and loveable,” she says. “Annoying for sure, but still sweet and loveable.”
Buck looks up at her smiling face. “Thanks, Hen.”
She gives his shoulder a pat before walking away. Once she’s in the kitchen Chim asks her if there’s still coffee left and she tells him there is so he gets up to head in that direction too, but before he does he shoots a grin over at Buck.
“Definitely annoying, but definitely loveable,” he says.
Buck smiles back at him before he heads to the kitchen.
“See?” Eddie says as he stretches out and nudges Buck’s foot with his own. “I definitely would’ve liked Buck 1.0.”
“You’re biased.”
“Maybe a little.”
Eddie keeps tapping his foot against Buck’s as he looks over at him. He looks like he wants to say something, but Buck’s not sure he wants to hear it. He’s probably going to ask him to watch Christopher for him while he goes on all his dates and Buck knows he’ll say yes every time even though it’s the absolute worst reason to get to hang out with Chris.
“So,” Eddie draws out. “Our Saturday off.”
“Yeah?”
“You got any plans?”
Buck sighs. “No.”
A flush of pink spreads across Eddie’s cheeks and his eyes go a bit nervous and big.
“You wanna go on a date with me?”
Buck’s prepared to reluctantly say yes to babysitting Chris when he realizes what Eddie just asked.
Date.
A date.
With Eddie.
Buck reaches out and pinches Eddie on the arm.
“Ow,” he frowns. “Not the reaction I was hoping for.”
“What?” Buck asks, only just realizing what he did. “Oh god. Sorry! I’m sorry!”
“What’d you pinch me for?”
“To make sure this was real.”
Eddie bursts out laughing. “You’re supposed to pinch yourself.”
“I know! But you surprised me. I got confused. I’m sorry!”
Buck starts to rub Eddie’s arm where he pinched him and Eddie just smiles at him, eyes all soft and fond.
“You’re such an idiot.”
“Oh god, I know. Please don’t take it back.”
“So it was a good surprise then? Even though I’ll be black and blue tomorrow?”
Buck nods.
“Then I definitely won’t take it back.”
They sit there for a bit, Eddie looking at Buck expectantly.
“Is that a yes then?” he finally asks.
“Yes!” Buck nearly shouts. “Yes. I mean, yeah. Of course it’s a yes. Oh my god, this is the beginning of your awkward date story number one.”
Eddie laughs again. “That’s fine, I can handle awkward date stories as long as there’s a date in there somewhere.”
“Yes. There’s a date. There’s absolutely a date.”
“Perfect.”
Eddie slides his hand over to Buck’s and tangles their fingers together. He looks over the back of the couch at Hen and Chim in the kitchen, like they can see them holding hands through the back of the couch. Buck smiles as Eddie’s cheeks flush pink when he realizes what he’s done and he squeezes Eddie’s hand extra tightly.
“So, where are we going? On our date?” Buck can’t stop himself from adding. Date. Date. He loves that word.
Eddie looks up from where he’d been staring at their tangled fingers and smiles at Buck.
“Well, I figured I’d go with a classic. Dinner, somewhere nice? I was thinking that Thai place you’ve been wanting to go to but won’t because you don’t think Chris would like going somewhere that fancy.”
His smile gets even bigger at that, his eyes softer, like the thought of Buck not going somewhere because Chris can’t come along is the most ridiculous, sweetest thing. Buck’s never said it outright but Eddie knows Buck inside and out and clocked him right away. Buck feels his face heat up with the knowing, but his heart fills with happiness at being so seen. Seen by Eddie.
But before Buck can say, ‘yes, let’s go there, together,’ before he can go breathless with the happiness inside him, Eddie adds,
“I hope that’s okay with you. It’s probably best if I keep it simple since it’s kind of a first first date, in a way. Less chances to screw up. Hope you don’t mind feeling like a guinea pig while I figure this all out again.”
And Buck remembers what Eddie said to Hen and Chim. Practice drills.
He’s practice.
Buck is practice.
Because why not? Why not practice with your best friend, someone who’s easy, simple, won’t stress you out?
Just like that all of his happiness seizes up in his chest.
He’s going into this with a heart full of Eddie and Christopher. He’s going in loving Eddie irrevocably and fiercely and forever, but Eddie’s going in loving him so painfully differently. To Eddie he’s a comfortable, easy love. Someone to ease his way through the rough patches on his way to his forever. And he knows Eddie will be amazing to him, that he’ll love him and care for him, because he does that now as friends, but Buck heard what he said. This is all new to him, he’s learning his way, finding his feet, and he wants to do it with Buck.
And that will have to be okay. That’ll have to be enough.
Even though he won’t have Eddie how he wants to have him, he will have him, and he’s going to take it. He’s going to grab on and hold tight and love Eddie through all of it even if Eddie isn’t going to love him back.
It’s going to break him, but he’s going to take the pieces. He’s going to hoard them and try to press them into something resembling what he wants, something bright and beautiful, even if it’s only pretend
He closes his eyes for a second and takes a deep breath before looking back at Eddie.
“Nah,” he says. “I don’t mind. I’ll be your guinea pig.”
Eddie’s responding smile is bright and contagious and Buck finds himself smiling too.
“You’ll be the cutest guinea pig.”
Buck laughs. “I’m not sure that’s the compliment you think it is.”
“What? Why? Guinea pigs are cute.”
“Yeah, well, they also eat their own poop.”
“They do?”
Eddie makes one of his faces and Buck wants to take a picture. He has a special album on his phone of Eddie Faces, capital F. It annoys Eddie and thus brings great joy to him and Christopher. His disgusted face right now is a classic.
“I promise I don’t though,” Buck adds.
Eddie snorts and smacks him with the back of his hand. Buck grabs it and holds it in his lap so now all four of their hands are nestled there, tangled and holding on tight.
“So, the Thai place then?”
“Eight o’clock?”
Buck just nods and Eddie bursts into happy laughter and tugs both of his hands out of Buck’s lap and holds them to his chest.
“My heart’s beating like crazy, can you feel that?” he asks all giddy and breathless and Buck can almost believe it’s for the same reason his own heart is beating just as wildly. “I was so damn nervous to ask you.” Buck must look confused because Eddie tacks on, “I wasn’t sure you’d say yes.”
How?
How on earth could Eddie not know he’d say yes in an instant to fucking anything he asked of him?
Buck sighs and twists his right hand just enough to free it from Eddie’s hold so he can lay it flat against his chest, so he can feel the pounding of Eddie’s heart. It really is beating as wildly as Eddie claimed and Buck knows he’s always fought for that heart. Fought to keep it safe and beating and alive, and he’ll keep doing it.
“You have to know I’ll always say yes to you.”
“I was hoping,” Eddie says quietly. “I was always hoping, but even though I know you right down to your core you still surprise me, still send me into a tailspin at least once every damn day. So, no, I didn’t know. I hoped, but I didn’t know.”
“So basically I’m a chaotic mess.”
“The messiest, but I kind of like you that way.”
“It’s very Buck 1.0 of me.”
“See,” Eddie grins. “Told you I’d like him.”
And Buck knows he means it. Eddie likes all of him, even the ugly, insecure parts he hates, somehow Eddie sees them and loves him anyway. It’s taken him years to find Eddie and to be able to find some sort of peace within himself. He’s still a work in progress but the progress he’s made is because of Eddie. Because of all of his family; Eddie, Christopher, Maddie, the entire 118. They looked at him and said, hey, you’re worthwhile, we love you, even your brokenness. Eddie shook his hand, told him he had his back, and changed everything. How could he not fall in love with him?
“It’s a good thing you’re taking him out on Saturday night then.”
“Oh, really? I’m getting 1.0?” Eddie asks. “Chris is spending the night at Hen and Karen’s so I’m hoping I get Buck one-point-now at dinner and Buck 1.0 after.”
Eddie raises an eyebrow and gives him an exaggerated wink, the absolute loser. Buck lets out a snorting laugh and punches his arm as he gets up from the couch.
“You’d only be so lucky to get Buck 1.0 after.”
Eddie kneels on the couch to watch Buck walk into the kitchen. He sets his elbows on the back of the couch and grins at him.
“I don’t need luck, I’m charming.”
“We’ll see about that, Diaz.”
~*~
Eddie shows up at his door a few minutes before Buck is about to leave to go pick him up.
And he’s holding a bouquet of flowers.
Dahlias.
Buck’s favorite flower.
He has no idea how Eddie knows that. Did he just make a really lucky guess, or did he mention something about them in one of his rambles?
Buck’s always loved them because Maddie used to grow them in a small window box she put outside her bedroom window. She told him how flowers have different meanings and that in Victorian times people would use them to express themselves and their feelings. Buck had always loved the idea of handing over a bouquet of feelings to someone else like a hidden, unspoken message.
Maddie loved dahlias because they meant beauty, kindness, and eternal love.
Eddie can’t know that.
There’s no way he’d know that. He’s just standing in Buck’s doorway holding an explosion of dahlias, of eternal love, for him in his hands.
“What are you doing here?” Buck blurts out.
“Our date? Please tell me you haven’t hit your head.”
“But I always drive.”
Eddie smiles at him. “You do.”
“I can’t drive if you’re here.”
Buck has no idea why this is their conversation right now.
“Technically you can, but you’re not going to because I am.”
“Why?”
“Because I asked you out tonight and I wanted to come to your door, bring you flowers, pick you up, and do all the date things for you.”
Buck deflates. “Yeah, of course. Gotta get your practice in.”
“I can’t believe I get to practice with you.” Eddie beams. “I got you flowers. Dahlias. Your favorite.”
Eddie hands over the flowers and Buck gathers them into his arms.
“You knew that?”
“Of course I did, you told me they were.”
“I can’t believe you remembered that. I don’t remember that.”
“Why wouldn’t I?” Eddie asks as he heads into the kitchen and looks through Buck’s cupboards for something to act as a vase. “I told the florist they were your favorite, that your sister used to grow them, and that you told me that different flowers meant different things but I couldn’t remember what dahlias were meant to represent. She told me they meant beauty and kindness, which I said was perfect for you.”
He finds the big plastic souvenir cup they got at a Dodgers game when Christopher bet Buck he couldn’t drink the whole thing in the first inning and not pee the whole rest of the game. The dare was ridiculous and exactly something Buck couldn’t pass up so he drank the whole cup and spent the last two innings of the game squirming in his seat and telling Chris he was an evil little Damien devil child. When the final strike hit the pitcher’s glove Buck had literally leapt over the two of them to get out of their row of seats and to the bathroom. Chris had laughed so hard he cried and Eddie was pink with laughter. When Buck came out of the bathroom he found both of them standing there grinning at him from across the concourse.
It had been a perfect day.
“Eternal love,” Buck says.
“What?”
“They also mean eternal love.”
Buck watches as Eddie ducks his head and a flush of pink spreads across his face.
“Like I said.” Eddie’s voice is so quiet Buck can barely hear him. “Perfect for you.”
Eddie grabs the flowers from Buck’s hand and turns away from him to plop them into the cup he’s filled with water and set them on his kitchen island. They’re sitting a bit wonky in the cup and they’re perfect.
Beautiful and perfect.
“We better get going if we want to make our reservation.”
“Yeah, okay.”
Buck follows Eddie to the door and once they’re out in the hallway and he’s locked his door he turns to find Eddie holding out his hand. Buck smiles and slips his hand into Eddie’s and follows him down the hall to the elevators. Eddie doesn’t let go of his hand until they’re at his truck and he’s opening the door for Buck.
“You’re pretty good at this date stuff,” Buck says as he gets into the truck.
“I hope so.” Eddie smiles at him, and before closing the door he says, “You look beautiful, by the way.”
“Yeah?”
“I love it when you wear pink.”
“I’m gonna dye all my clothes pink,” Buck blurts out without thinking, and Eddie laughs.
“Please do.”
When Eddie’s back in the truck and behind the wheel he backs out of his parking spot. Once they’re on their way he reaches out for Buck’s hand again and Buck doesn’t hesitate to reach back.
Dinner goes well, there’s not a single lull in conversation - there never is between the two of them - and Eddie spends most of it laughing at the waiter’s expression each time Buck asks him to bring out one more thing for him to try. Buck has devoured an obscene amount of food, but they still have mountains in front of them. They’ll have leftovers for days.
“I’m gonna fight you for that Pad Thai Goong,” Buck says when they’re finally done and asking for the leftover food to be boxed up.
“I’m going let you have it because you know you can’t beat me.”
“See, you keep telling me that but you never actually fight me so I call foul.”
Eddie just smiles at him and then slips their waiter his credit card to take care of the bill.
“Eddie,” Buck protests when he sees the hand-over. “Seriously, the bill is going to be crazy. Let me pay half.”
“Nope. I’ve got it.”
“Eddie.”
“Buck.”
“You’re the literal worst.”
“I’m okay with that.”
“I’m going to get like the next, uh, seventeen meals or so to make up for it though. You can’t stop me.”
“What’re ya gonna do, fight me?”
“Yes. Yes, I am.”
Eddie is laughing when the waiter brings the bill back for him to sign, along with two bags of food which makes him laugh even more because the waiter hands them over with a look that clearly states he thinks the two of them are pig people. Plus, Buck is laughing too and he knows Eddie can’t stop himself from laughing when Buck laughs, so it’s an entire disaster from start to finish.
When they get back to Eddie’s truck he opens the door for him again and when he starts it up he turns to Buck.
“I was going to suggest a walk on the beach but I don’t want to disappoint our waiter even more and let all that food start to rot in my back seat while we frolic in the sand.”
“He’d be fucking irate with us. Let’s bring the food back to my place and then we can go down to that park across the street, they have nice walking trails. You need to walk off all that food you ate.”
Eddie snorts.
“That I ate? Excuse me.”
Buck just nods.
“The waiter was disgusted by you.”
Eddie makes a face at him, but doesn’t say anything.
Buck puts one of his playlists on and settles back into his seat. They’re quiet on the way back to his place, but it’s nice. This time it’s him who reaches out for Eddie’s hand and he gets to watch Eddie smile almost shyly in the glow of the dashboard.
He holds Eddie’s hand and loves him more than he can stand.
They pass by a new mini-golf course that’s popped up and Buck points it out as he looks over at Eddie and says, “We should take Chris there, wouldn’t it be good for his hand-eye coordination? He liked it when we went to that one last year.”
“Yeah, we should. That one looks like fun.”
Eddie looks at him like he’s said the most perfect thing he’s ever heard and it makes Buck’s heart pound. He’s so lucky he has Eddie and Chris in his life, so lucky they love him.
He’s lucky, and he needs to remember that.
When they get back to Buck’s they drop the food off in his fridge and then head back out. Buck wasn’t wrong about needing to walk off their dinner. They head over to the park and start walking along the path. It’s late enough that not many people are out and they’re almost alone as they walk.
“A moonlight walk. Another good date activity,” Buck says.
“Yep.”
“You’re really committing to the practice. I like it.”
“You know me, always all in.”
Buck smiles at him and they finish the rest of the loop around the park in silence, simply enjoying the night and each other's company.
When they get back to Buck’s place Eddie lets Buck go in first then just stays where he is and leans against the doorframe. Buck folds his arms over his chest when he notices Eddie doesn’t follow him in and raises an eyebrow.
“If you’re hanging out in my doorway waiting for a goodnight kiss you’ll be waiting a long time. I don’t put out on the first date.”
“That’s not what I heard.”
“Rude, Edmundo. Rude. Don’t slut shame me.”
“Wouldn’t dream of it.” Eddie just smiles at him. “When can I expect a goodnight kiss then?”
“Not until the third date at least.”
“Okay then. I’ll be looking forward to date number three. I’ve been promised Buck 1.0, you know.”
Buck suddenly feels a bit sick. All of his insecurities about how he used to be come spinning back at him. Maybe Eddie really was anticipating something more, he’s the practice date after all.
His face must be doing something because suddenly Eddie steps closer and lays his hand on Buck’s shoulder.
“Hey, where’d you go just now? What’s wrong?”
“Are you disappointed?”
“Disappointed? Why would I be disappointed?” Eddie seems genuinely confused.
“That you’re not getting Buck 1.0. That you’re not getting–” Buck stumbles over his words a bit. “That you’re not getting more.”
Something complicated and horribly sad flashes in Eddie’s eyes before he pulls Buck into a tight hug.
“Oh god, Buck. No. No. I would never–”
Eddie just stops for a second and takes in a deep, shuddering breath and tightens his hold on Buck. Even though he’s taller than Eddie he feels completely wrapped up in his arms, safe and protected.
“I’m so sorry, Buck,” he says, his voice quiet and warm next to Buck’s ear. “I was joking, but it was clearly a stupid joke. I didn’t realize you’d feel like you owed me something. God, I’m so sorry.”
Eddie’s voice is so broken Buck wants to cry.
“Don’t be,” he says. “I guess I didn’t realize I was still hung up on that. I thought I was past feeling that way. There’s no way you could’ve known that, and I know you would never think of me that way.”
“But I’m still sorry.”
“I don’t know what happened just now. Honestly, I’m good. It just punched me in the gut all of a sudden. I think it was more that I felt like I was disappointing you, and that’s honestly the worst feeling in the whole fucking world.”
“Buck.” Eddie pulls away slightly so he can curve his hands around Buck’s neck, his thumbs resting in the hollow at its base. He makes sure Buck is looking him in the eye. “Don’t you know I feel exactly the same way. I never want to disappoint you, or Christopher. I never want to be anything less than everything you both need. It’s overwhelming some days, and I get it. It hits me sometimes like a Mack truck all the ways I can disappoint the two of you, but then I just take a deep breath and it passes because you’re worth it. You’re worth every crazy, overwhelming feeling and deep down I know you’d never judge me or feel any differently if you knew that so I hope you know it’s the same on my end.”
Buck leans down and lets his forehead rest against Eddie’s.
“I know, Eds.”
“Besides, I’ve waited thirty-four years to kiss you, and I’d wait thirty-four more if that’s what you needed.”
God, Buck loves him so much.
“Eddie,” Buck laughs, because if he doesn’t he’ll cry with the force of it all.
“What? It’s true. In fact, I’d never kiss you if that’s what you wanted.”
“You like me so much you’d promise to never kiss me?”
Eddie leans away from him so he can look up at him.
“Hell yes, I would. And I would promise to never do all kinds of other things to you too, if you asked me.”
Another huff of laughter leaves Buck’s body, he can’t help it.
“That’s the most romantic thing I’ve ever heard.”
Eddie beams at him.
“I’m so winning at this whole dating thing.”
“Yeah, okay, you nerd. Since you’re so good at all of it I guess we’re done here. No more practice needed.”
Eddie pulls him into another hug.
“Are you kidding me? I need more practice, so much more. To be honest, I don’t think I’ll ever be done needing more.”
~*~
“Tuesday, eight o’clock. Wear your hiking shoes.”
“Wednesday, three-thirty. Wear your flip-flops.”
“What?”
“I thought we were naming days, times, and shoes.”
Eddie just laughs and says fondly, “Idiot.”
“So Saturday?”
“Date number two.”
“Ah.” Buck laughs. “Yes, it would be date number two. A physical activity.”
“Physical activity?” Eddie asks as he sits down and straddles the bench in the locker room so he can face Buck and watch as he finishes buttoning up his shirt.
“Yeah, you set up a physical activity to take your mind off of how much you want to kiss the person you’re dating. Work out all of the sexual energy.”
“I don’t think that’s how it goes.” Eddie can’t stop himself from laughing.
“It’s a known dating strategy.”
“No, Buck. I really don’t think it is.”
“Hey now, who’s the one who needs practice and needs to learn a lesson or two about dating cute guys, because I know it’s not me.”
“Cute guys, huh?”
“Yep, all the cute guys.”
“All of them?” Eddie asks, his nose adorably scrunched up in confusion. “Why would I need all of them? I’ve already got the cutest one of all.”
“Smooth, Diaz. Real smooth.” Buck tries to tease even as he feels his face heat up at the compliment.
“I’m learning.”
“Tuesday at eight then?”
“Tuesday at eight,” Eddie confirms. “And be prepared to not be kissed, despite what you say about reasons for second date activities.”
“It’s a thing, Eddie.”
“Uh huh.” Eddie mumbles as he starts to back up.
Buck’s fully prepared to throw a dirty sock at Eddie as he walks aways, but when Buck pulls one out of his bag and turns around Eddie’s just standing in the doorway staring at him.
“What?”
Eddie just shrugs and sort of nods to himself.
“Yep, definitely the cutest.”
Buck feels like his face is on fire and that his heart is giving out on him because why does Eddie have to be so wonderful when Buck’s going to have to give him up? He’s glad Eddie actually does walk away then to head upstairs because Buck can feel tears prickling hot in the corners of his eyes and he doesn’t want to have to explain the fact that Eddie being so stupidly sweet hurts like a knife to his gut.
~*~
Buck pulls into Eddie’s driveway and gives him a quizzical look when Eddie comes out of the house with an obviously full backpack.
“Planning on staying awhile?”
“Thought we could have a picnic.”
“You made us food?”
“I am capable. I do it for Chris and me everyday.”
“I know, I’m just used to being the one doing the cooking.”
“Well I didn’t exactly cook, but I think I did okay.”
Buck looks over at him and smiles. “I’m sure you did.”
They head to Eaton Canyon because neither one of them has been there before. Eddie says it’s because he heard Buck mention the falls to Christopher, and also because he loves that for some reason known only to Buck he has a waterfall bucket list which is weirdly specific and confined to the ones within driving distance of L.A. and he wants to help him cross one off.
And once again Buck is overwhelmed by Eddie’s sweetness, and the fact that he always, always, listens to him. Buck can tell him the most random things and he’ll store them all away and remember them. He’s never known anything like it. He’s never been treasured and tucked away before. He’s never been heard as loudly and as clearly as he has been by Eddie.
The knife in his gut twists and he smiles through it all.
The trail is fairly busy but people are spaced out enough to make it a pretty pleasant hike. When they get to the falls Buck takes a few pictures. They sit on a boulder and take off their hiking boots to dip their feet in the water. It’s an especially warm day for early spring, and windy, so they relax for a few minutes and enjoy the mist coming off the falls. Buck is pressed close to Eddie’s side and every once in a while he purposely brushes his foot alongside Buck’s or wraps it around his ankle. Buck always brushes back and gives him a grin.
During a lull in their conversation Buck stretches his arms above his head and lets out a small groan.
“What’s wrong?” Eddie asks.
“I think I slept weird, my back’s off today. Nothing major though.”
Eddie slips his hand up under the back of Buck’s t-shirt and he jumps at the touch.
“Here?” he asks as he rubs at the small of Buck’s back.
Buck coughs. “Uh. No. Up a little? To the right.”
Eddie moves his hand until Buck gives him a small nod and then he presses into the spot with the heel of his hand and Buck lets out a small moan at the touch. Eddie leans in closer to Buck, turns a bit to the side so he gets a better angle. He rubs at Buck’s back for a few minutes, drawing out more sounds that Buck would definitely feel embarrassed about if it didn’t all feel so good. Every once in a while he shivers under Eddie’s touch.
After a few minutes Eddie props his chin on Buck’s shoulder and quietly says in his ear, “Better?”
Buck knows his voice sounds strained when he answers, “Yeah. Much. Thanks.”
Eddie gives Buck’s back a scritch before pulling his hand out from underneath his shirt. He keeps his hand on Buck though, runs it up and down his spine, squeezes the back of his neck and Buck can’t stop himself from leaning into the touch.
“I know it’s still early but do you wanna eat something?” Eddie asks.
“Yeah, I could eat.”
Eddie gets up and puts on his backpack.
“Come on, let’s see if we can find a quiet spot.”
He reaches out a hand to pull Buck to his feet and doesn’t let go when they head back towards the trail.
They manage to find a relatively secluded spot and Eddie starts pulling stuff out of his backpack; a small blanket, food, a bottle of the sparkling water Buck likes but Eddie despises. Buck laughs when he hands it to him.
“I can’t believe you voluntarily bought this.”
“Yeah, well, you like it.”
Buck kind of wants to do something stupid, like hug a bottle of sparkling water to his chest.
They get settled and Buck notices all the food Eddie’s set out. Eddie admits to having no idea what he was doing when he bought any of it, that he’d told the person helping him at the deli to just, ‘put in all the fancy stuff someone would buy to impress their date.’ Buck can tell he’s embarrassed he had to say that sentence, but it just adds to the warm glow in his chest.
“Well I’m impressed.”
“I tried.”
Buck smiles at the way Eddie looks a bit flushed and secretly pleased at the compliment.
They’re quiet for a bit as they eat. Everything is delicious and they’re both starving from the hike.
“Hey,” Buck says with his mouthful, which should gross Eddie out but only makes him smile. “This is like that scene in Schitt's Creek when Patrick puts together a proposal picnic for David and drags him out on a hike. Are you planning on proposing?”
“Not until the fifth date, at least.”
“Yeah, definitely not a second date thing. Don’t want me to think you’re obsessed with me.”
“You already know I’m obsessed with you.”
If only that were true.
“Well,” Buck draws out, tries to be teasing. “I’ve been meaning to tell you it’s a bit creepy. You might want to pump the brakes on that.”
Eddie just throws a cracker at Buck. It bounces off his forehead and lands in his lap. He happily picks it up and shoves it in his mouth and grins around his mouthful of cracker.
They end up eating so much food that they decide to lay down for a bit before heading back to Buck’s jeep. Once they clear off the blanket Buck lays down on his back and Eddie curls up next to him, his head on Buck’s shoulder.
Buck looks at him and Eddie just says, “You make a good pillow.”
He ends up falling asleep to the feel of Eddie’s breath warm on his chest through the thin cotton of his t-shirt. He vaguely remembers thinking, before he slips off into sleep, that he wishes he could fall asleep the same way every day for the rest of his life.
~*~
They’re washing dishes after Christopher goes to bed when Eddie asks Buck on their third date.
“I want to take you to the Museum of Contemporary Art,” Eddie says.
“You do?” Buck asks as he stops washing and looks over at Eddie, his hands dripping with soap suds. “Why?”
“You were reading that book on contemporary art last month.”
“I didn’t realize you noticed that.”
“Of course I did. I also noticed you even got a second one.”
“Well that one was just a coffee table book. Mostly just pictures.”
“But you were interested enough to get a second book, I figured you’d want to go see it in real life instead of just looking through a book.”
Buck knows Eddie would never pick an art museum if given the choice. A history museum? Great. A science museum? Even better. But a contemporary art museum? Never. But he’s doing it for Buck. His face must be doing something complicated and odd because Eddie looks a bit flustered, like he might’ve made a mistake in choosing the museum for their next date.
“Or not,” he says. “We don’t have to, it was just a thought.”
“You want to go to an art museum because you think I’d like it?”
“Yeah?”
“You couldn’t care less about art.”
“But you do, and I’d like to see it through your eyes. Maybe it’ll change my mind.”
“Eddie.”
“What?”
Buck wants to say something big, something important. He wants Eddie to know how much he loves him, how beautiful his kind heart is, and how much he flays Buck’s chest open every single day with that kindness and consideration and care.
But he doesn’t.
He can’t.
It’s not fair for him to lay the burden of his enormous, all-consuming love on Eddie when he knows he can’t return it. It would break Eddie’s heart to have to break Buck’s with his rejection and the last thing he wants to do is cause Eddie any pain.
So he just shakes his head instead and smiles at him.
“Do people know what a softie you are?”
“No, so don’t tell them.”
“I won’t,” Buck promises quietly.
They go back to washing dishes.
“So you’ll go with me?” Eddie asks.
“Of course I will, Eddie.” Buck looks into Eddie’s eyes and lets himself have this one little truth. “I’d go anywhere with you.”
Eddie brushes his fingers across Buck’s cheek and he closes his eyes at the touch, but then the moment is broken by Chris coming into the kitchen in search of a glass of water. Eddie blushes and hurries to get him one.
Chris takes a drink of his water and asks Buck, “Did Dad ask you out on your art date?”
“Our art date?”
“Yeah, did you say yes?”
Buck can’t seem to get any words out so Eddie answers for him.
“He did. We’re going on Thursday when you’re at school.”
“Good,” Chris says as he sets his glass down on the counter and starts heading back to bed. “Because I don’t want to get dragged along to the boring museum.”
Eddie laughs. “Well they can’t all be the Natural History Museum.”
“They should be,” Chris says over his shoulder.
Eddie rolls his eyes.
“He’s informed me repeatedly that he is in no way going to a boring art museum.”
Buck still hasn’t said anything, he didn’t know Chris knew about their dates. He’d just assumed Eddie wouldn’t say anything to him since they weren’t real anyway.
“Are you alright?” Eddie asks.
“You told Chris about our dates?”
“Did you not want me to tell him?”
“No, I–” Buck stops for a second to collect his thoughts. “I just thought it was our thing, like haha another practice date with Buck.”
“Why wouldn’t I tell Chris? I think it’d be weird if I didn’t.”
“Yeah, no, you’re right. It’d be weird if you didn’t.”
Buck knows Eddie is always open with Chris, that he never wants to lie to him, but even though he told Eddie he didn’t think it was weird Chris knows about their dates it is. It’s weird. Why would he want to confuse Chris by telling him about their dates? It took him forever to tell Chris about Ana, and even though Chris was there when Eddie asked Marisol out he didn’t introduce the two of them until they’d been dating for a couple of months. Eddie’s always careful with Chris, and to willingly tell him about their dates and confuse the situation, to change the way Chris has always known Buck in their life? Especially when it’s only temporary.
It’s weird.
But who is he to judge what Eddie tells his own kid? So he tries to brush aside his own unease and be enthusiastic instead.
“So, the art museum. Can’t wait!” He says as he claps his hands once, soap suds flying everywhere. “Are you sure you want to go to the museum though? We can go somewhere else, I won’t be upset. I don’t want you to be bored.”
Eddie looks at him like he’s stupid.
“I won’t be bored, I’ll be with you.”
Buck has to stop himself from sticking his head in the sink and screaming.
~*~
Eddie follows Buck around the museum and lets him guide them through the exhibits. Buck knows he has no idea who any of the artists are but he just keeps smiling at Buck and holding his hand as he drags him around the museum and insisting he wants to stay when Buck keeps asking him if he’s bored and wants to leave.
It’s awful and wonderful all at once.
They wander into a new room of the museum and a particular painting catches Buck’s eye. They quietly stand in front of it for several minutes, Buck looking at the painting and not noticing Eddie looking at him.
“You like it?” Eddie whispers.
“I do,” Buck whispers back. “I really really do.”
“I have to admit that I don’t really get it.”
Buck looks over at him and smiles. “Neither do I. I don’t get any of it, but I know I like it.”
“You don’t get it either?”
“No,” Buck laughs. “Not at all.”
“Good, I thought I was just incredibly stupid.”
“I know how it makes me feel though. Doesn’t it just– I don’t know, fill your chest?”
The painting is a riot of colors, it’s chaotic and oddly beautiful, and Buck hopes Eddie loves it too. He looks away from it and over at Eddie only to find him staring back at him.
“Sort of like everything inside of you is just going to burst out,” Eddie says, his eyes still steady and focused on Buck’s.
“Yeah,” Buck says quietly. “Isn’t it great?”
“The best.”
~*~
Buck’s watching Jee so he drops Eddie off at home.
“I wish you could come in,” Eddie says and he lays his head back against the headrest and looks over at Buck. “I’ve got some of Pepa’s barbacoa in the fridge.”
“Nooo,” Buck moans. “You know how much I love her barbacoa.”
Eddie reaches out and wraps his hand around Buck’s wrist. “Bring Jee over, you know Chris would love seeing her.”
“I really want to, but Jee’s been a little under the weather. I don’t want her to pass anything onto you two.”
Eddie runs his thumb back and forth along the inside of Buck’s wrist. “Did you like the museum?”
“Loved it. Thanks for taking me.”
“You’re welcome.” They’re just staring at each other, and Eddie’s not making a move to get out of the Jeep. “I liked it too.”
Buck laughs quietly. “Are you sure?”
“No, really I did. Like I said, I didn’t get it, but I liked it.”
“Good.”
“Okay, I’m gonna let you get going so you’re not late.”
“Tell Chris I’ll see him tomorrow and we’ll work on that map project he’s got due next week.”
“I will,” Eddie promises. “Do you have all the supplies you need?”
“Yeah, I picked some stuff up the other day.”
“You’re such a good dad.”
“Eddie.”
“What? You are.”
Eddie just keeps twisting that knife, totally unaware.
Eddie leans in and kisses Buck. It’s soft and fleeting and perfect.
“Third date kiss, right?”
Eddie’s looking at Buck like he’s not sure he should’ve done that. The worry in his eyes, the worry for him, makes Buck want so much, so much more than he’ll ever be able to have.
But he needs to kiss Eddie again, needs him to know that he absolutely wants another one, and that Eddie shouldn’t doubt himself. He holds the curve of Eddie’s jaw and kisses him, still soft, but slower and longer this time, he wants to drink his fill, and Eddie responds immediately. He sinks into Buck and wraps his fingers around Buck’s wrist.
It’s the best kiss of Buck’s life. It’s Eddie.
“Still not putting out though.” He teases, voice more than a bit wrecked, when they pull back from the kiss.
“Well of course not now,” Eddie grins, relief and happiness clear on his face. “We haven’t got the time, you gotta get over to Chim and Maddie’s.”
“Get out of my jeep, Eddie.”
Eddie laughs. “I’ll see you tomorrow.”
“Yeah, see you.”
~*~
“I feel like I should be insulted by this,” Buck says as he ties his apron and looks over at Eddie with a raised eyebrow. “Are you implying my cooking sucks?”
“I’m flat out saying my cooking sucks and I want to learn how to cook you something edible. You shouldn’t always have to do the cooking when you come over.”
“So you’re dragging me to a cooking class?”
“A couple’s cooking class. It’s meant to be romantic.”
“If spending two hours laughing at you is romantic, then yes, very romantic.”
“I know you love laughing at me so I’ll take it as a win.”
“Plus Christopher will be truly grateful to have something not out of a box or the freezer.”
“Hey! Chris doesn’t mind my cooking!”
“Because he’s fourteen and has no taste.”
“Well that could be it too, but he still eats it.”
“He’d go hungry otherwise.”
Eddie just laughs and bumps into Buck’s shoulder hard enough to send him stumbling to the side a bit. Buck rolls his eyes at him and grabs him by the shoulders to turn him around so he can tie his apron for him. He pats Eddie on the back when he’s done.
“There. Prepared for battle. Our teacher has no idea what they’re getting into with you.”
Eddie smiles and wraps an arm around Buck’s waist.
“You’ll help me out, won’t you?”
“Of course I will,” Buck says. “Besides, I probably should just to protect the rest of the class.”
“Always thinking of others.”
“Yeah, I’m the real hero here.”
Eddie hugs him closer and tilts his head back to look up at him.
“Hey, I wasn’t joking. You’re always doing things for other people, worrying about them, wanting to help them. You’re so fucking amazing and you always doubt yourself, second-guess everything, and I hate when you do that.”
“I know.” Buck shrugs. “I’m trying, but I’m still a work in progress.”
“Me too,” Eddie says as he brushes his fingers up and down Buck’s lower back. “We’ll be works in progress together.”
“Deal.” Buck holds up his pinkie and Eddie takes a moment to hook his own through Buck’s. He just stares for a couple of seconds like he doesn’t know what to do.
“You just pinkie swear with Maddie and Chris,” he says, his pinkie still hooked firmly with Buck’s.
Buck doesn’t quite know what to say to that so he just says, “Yeah, well, welcome to the pinkie club. You’re our new treasurer.”
“What? Treasurers suck. That’s the worst position.”
“Well Maddie’s already the president, and Chris and I are co-vice presidents, it’s treasurer or nothing.”
“Why can’t I be a vice president too?”
“Like there can be three vice presidents.”
“Like there can be two,” Eddie mumbles disgruntledly and Buck laughs, but before he can tease Eddie about being a big grump about it all the instructor comes in and the class gets started.
It goes surprisingly well. Buck knows Eddie feigns incompetence every now and again just so that he’ll wrap his hand around Eddie’s to guide him through a step. The sly little grin that crosses his face when Buck does it is totally obvious, and way too cute. Buck just lets it slide and goes along with it because whenever the instructor compliments Buck Eddie absolutely beams at him and how is Buck ever going to call him out when Eddie’s so ridiculously proud of him.
They work together just as well as they do at home. They can read each other’s minds and before Buck can even think he needs another ingredient he finds it in his hand, and vice versa. They spend the whole time grinning at one another and bumping shoulders and all Buck can think about is how he wants to do this with Eddie until they’re old and gray.
At the end of class, when they’re boxing up their leftovers after sharing the meal they cooked, Buck looks over at Eddie and says, “I know you signed us up for this for me.”
He knows it because he had offhandedly mentioned the class a few weeks ago when he saw it in a brochure he’d picked up at the library. He said he’d always wanted to take a cooking class, and wouldn’t it be nice to have someone to do a couple’s class with?
Eddie shrugs. “You got me.”
“Thank you.”
“I love doing things for you, you know that right?” One of my favorite things in the whole world is making you happy, seeing you happy. You and Chris.”
Buck holds his gaze for a long time before he says quietly, “Me too, Eddie.”
Always, me too.
~*~
For their next date Eddie just tells Buck a time to be ready, and to dress warm. He won’t say a word, no matter how much Buck bugs him about it. He just shows up on the night of their date, having dropped Christopher off at Pepa’s for a sleepover, with the back of his truck loaded up with bags.
Buck has no idea where they’re going, or what’s happening.
“Where are we going?” he asks the second he gets in the truck. “Come on, tell me.”
“You have to be patient.”
“I don’t do patient.”
“Well, try.”
“Are you taking me somewhere to murder me? You’re murdering me, aren’t you?”
“Yes, I’m murdering you. Enjoy the ride.”
Eddie smiles sweetly at him and Buck laughs as he pulls up a playlist on his phone.
“You don’t seem very concerned about your impending murder.”
“Eh, I figure I’ll be able to talk you out of it. I’m not worried.”
“Awfully cocky, aren’t you?”
“Not cocky, I just know you. You like me too much to murder me.”
“Way too much,” Eddie says almost too quietly for Buck to hear.
“Well it’s a good thing I like you back.”
“Definitely a good thing, especially on the whole murder front.”
Buck shakes his head and goes back to his phone, but there’s a smile on his face that makes Eddie smile too when he sees it.
They’re over an hour and a half into their drive and Buck keeps sighing loudly and dramatically, and Eddie has been doing a fantastic job of ignoring him like a champ.
“We’re just about there,” Eddie finally says. “Promise.”
“You knew I was going to ask you again, didn’t you?”
“You’ve been good, an entire hour since you last asked. I’m proud of you.”
Buck snorts and drops his head back onto the headrest. A few minutes later the sign for Topanga State Park comes into view and Buck sits up straight and leans forward.
“I’ve never been to Topanga,” he says happily.
“I know.”
“But what are we doing here so late? It’s nearly dark.”
“I read that the stargazing here is pretty amazing.”
Buck turns in his seat to look at Eddie.
“We’re going stargazing?”
“Look in the back,” Eddie says. “Those duffels are full of blankets and pillows. Thought we’d make ourselves comfortable. You can tell me all about the constellations.”
“Oh my god, Eddie, the stories are so crazy. You’re gonna love them. Chris and I have found some fucking whoppers.”
“Can’t wait.”
They drive for a bit until they find a fairly secluded spot where Eddie can park. He gives Buck the cooler of food and drinks to pick out what he wants as he lays out the blankets in the bed of the truck. He has a mattress topper to make it as soft and as comfortable as possible and Buck can’t stand how incredibly sweet Eddie is. When he’s done laying everything out it’s the perfect little nest for them.
“Oh my god, Eds, this is amazing,” Buck says when he crawls into the back of the truck next to Eddie. He leans back against the pile of pillows and hands Eddie a beer. “You want a sandwich too?”
“Hand it over.” Eddie makes grabby hands and Buck unwraps a sandwich for him.
They eat and talk for a while before they properly settle in, snuggled up under a mountain of blankets. They’re both laying on their backs, shoulders pressed together, the backs of their hands brushing against each other. It’s a chilly night but Eddie’s so warm next to Buck he thinks he’ll never be cold again.
Eddie listens as Buck points up at the sky and tells him everything he and Chris found out about the different constellations. Every once in a while when Buck thinks he’s talked too long and too much he’ll stop and look over at Eddie and every time Eddie’s looking right back, eyes wide and face open and interested like he’s never heard anything better or more interesting in his life.
“I’m talking too much.”
“Never.”
“No, I think I am.”
“More like not talking enough.”
“Only you would say that.”
And it’s true, Eddie lets Buck babble endlessly without interruption or irritation. Eddie and Chris, they both just listen and listen and listen to him. The only other person who’s ever been like that in his life is Maddie. Three people who see him and love him and who he wants to hold in his heart forever.
“I love the sound of your voice,” Eddie says as he turns into Buck’s side and wraps his arms around Buck’s arm to keep him close. “The only sound I love more is your voice mixed with Christopher’s.”
“Eddie.”
I love you.
“The only time I want it to stop is if you’re kissing me.”
So what is Buck supposed to do except kiss him.
And keep kissing him until they’re breathless and tangled up together under a bed of stars. Stars Eddie brought to him because he knows him. He knows him more than anyone else has ever known him and Buck loves him. He loves him like he’ll never love anyone else. He’ll love him exactly like this, just as much as he does this very moment, when he’s a hundred and one. He’ll love him when he and Eddie are both gone, when they’re nothing but stardust, Buck will love him.
He can’t do this anymore.
He can’t.
He pulls away from Eddie’s mouth, tries to put distance between them even though Eddie has managed to lay himself on top of him, has slotted himself between Buck’s thighs and dug his clenching fingers into Buck’s shirt so tight he’s not sure Eddie will ever let him go.
Eddie gasps against Buck’s lips and a warm huff of happy laughter ghosts across Buck’s skin. He watches as Eddie’s dazed eyes focus in on him and takes a deep breath to say what he should’ve said from the very start.
“I can’t do this anymore, Eddie.”
At the same time Eddie smiles like the sun and says over his voice–
“I can’t wait to marry you.”
Eddie immediately sits up, knees straddling Buck’s hips, and Buck pushes himself up into a sitting position as well.
“Marry me?”
“Look, I know it’s way too early. It’s way too soon, and it’s okay that you’re not there yet. I don’t expect you to be,” Eddie’s words are falling over one another. “But I don’t care, I’m saying it. I’ve waited way too long with us. I’ve waited too long to tell you how much I love you, how long I’ve loved you, and we’re here together now so I’m just going to say everything. Because you deserve to hear it, you absolutely deserve to hear how wonderful you are and that I’m here for the long haul, that I’m all in, and that I can’t wait to have fucking everything with you because there’s nowhere else I’d ever want to be except right here next to you.”
Eddie’s looking at him, his eyes almost fever-bright, and he suddenly brings his fist up to his chest, presses it into the center of it.
“It’s all been right here. Here,” he repeats as he knocks his fist against his chest. “Trapped for so long and now I can just say it. The pressure’s all gone. God, it was so suffocating. I could hardly breathe. Everything I felt for you just balled up inside of me day after day. And I kept trying to push it all away because I never thought I could have you, at least not like this.”
Eddie grabs Buck by the face to pull him into another kiss, stealing the soul out of Buck’s chest.
“I love you, Evan.”
He presses his forehead against Buck’s and just breathes. Buck doesn’t know what’s happening, what this all is. How did this go from practice to this? How is this–
How?
“Eddie,” he gasps. “I don’t understand– I can’t.”
The words, ‘I can’t,’ seem to register with Eddie and he drops his hands from Buck’s face and just stares at him, his eyes going dull.
“You said, I can’t,” he says as the realization of what Buck said washes over him. “I said I can’t wait to marry you and you said you can’t do this anymore.”
Buck swallows and nods, he doesn’t think he can speak right now.
“I want to marry you and you don’t want me. I thought we–” he swallows and looks away from Buck. “I thought you loved–”
Eddie shakes his head and starts to move away, to get off of Buck’s lap and far away from him, but he grabs Eddie by the arms and holds on tight.
“No. No, Eddie.”
Eddie slumps back down onto Buck’s lap and lets himself be held there, defeated.
“Why? Why can’t you do this?” Eddie’s voice is so quiet Buck can barely hear him.
“Because I didn’t think it was real.”
“What the hell did you think we’ve been doing this past month then?”
“Practice.”
“Practice? What does that even mean?”
“It means practice. Practice dates,” Buck says. “You said to Hen and Chim that these were practice dates.”
“What are you talking about?”
Eddie looks genuinely confused and Buck has no idea why. He said it, he heard him say it, Hen and Chim heard him say it.
“You said that you hoped I didn’t mind having a few practice drills, and I didn’t,” Buck’s quick to say because Eddie’s looking at him like he can’t believe what he’s hearing. “I know I was someone easy to practice with, to get used to dating men, and I was fine with it at the beginning, I just wanted some piece of you, no matter how temporary, but it’s just too hard now. I’m sorry, Eddie.”
“Buck,” Eddie says his name with part exasperation and part fondness as he takes Buck’s face back in his hands. “You very clearly heard that conversation, which we’ll definitely swing back around to in a minute, but did you not hear a single word of what I said just now?”
“I heard it.”
“Did you though?” Eddie has that face he gets when he thinks Buck is being a particular kind of idiot. “Like the part when I said I couldn’t wait to marry you, or maybe the part where I flat out said I loved you? Because if you think you heard all of that and still thought this was all some sort of weird experiment on my part I worry about your comprehension skills.”
“But you told Hen and Chim–”
“That I hoped you wouldn’t mind bearing with me while I got my feet under me. That you wouldn’t mind a few stumbles along the way, some potential embarrassing reminders that my dating life has been less than impressive. You missed the whole fifteen minute conversation prior to that when I said stupidly embarrassing things about you and Hen and Chim dragged me mercilessly for it. They claim I giggled, which I do not believe, and never will, they’re just being assholes.”
Buck lets out a watery laugh at that because Eddie does giggle. It’s ridiculous when he does it because it sounds so stupid coming out of his face, but it’s painfully adorable and sweet too because it’s always a surprise when it happens, and it’s always after he or Chris says something particularly dumb that no one should ever acknowledge, much less giggle over.
But Eddie does giggle. And Buck knows that. He knows him, and how he could ever think Eddie didn’t mean exactly what he said is beyond him. He’s been such a spectacular idiot, it’s amazing, really, the heights of idiocy he’s reached. He’d be impressed if it wasn’t so embarrassing.
“I asked you on a date because you’re the only person I’d ever want to ask,” Eddie continues. “And to keep asking over and over again until we’re really really old. You’ve never been practice. You’re the only thing that’s ever been real. Finally real and where I belong.”
Buck feels his heart nearly jackhammering out of his chest, and happiness bubbling up inside of him.
“God,” Eddie laughs. “You’re such an idiot. You hear half a conversation and break your own damn heart for no reason. Don’t you know that I’d hold that heart in my hands and protect it with my life? How could you doubt that? How could you doubt me?”
“Because I’m an idiot?” Buck asks, eyes wide and hopeful that he can somehow turn this mess around.
“I should be furious with you, but I can’t when you look at me like that.”
Eddie leans in and kisses him again and it’s all so crystal clear how stupid he’s been through all of this. Eddie was right, how could he have ever doubted him? Doubted this? Eddie’s been holding onto his heart for years, keeping it safe, even when they were still telling themselves they were only friends and didn’t let themselves believe it could be like this.
It’s always been them.
Buck had let the fears that followed him his entire life - that he was never enough, that he was never the first choice, or the one anyone wanted - take over when he knew, he knew, Eddie always scared those fears away.
“I’m sorry,” he says as he pulls back from Eddie’s mouth. “I just got in my head and couldn’t get out of it. You’ve been everything I’ve wanted for so long that I was too overwhelmed to believe in the reality of it, that I could have it. I couldn’t let myself believe you wanted me as much as I wanted you. I’m so sorry I’ve been so stupid.”
“I don’t need apologies,” Eddie says as kisses Buck’s temple, his lips staying pressed to his skin. “I just need you to tell me you know this is real, and that I love you.”
“I know you do.”
“And that there’s no doubt that’s always going to be true.”
Buck kisses him and promises, “There’s no doubt.”
“Good,” Eddie says as he runs his thumb over Buck’s bottom lip.
“And I love you too, by the way. Just in case that wasn’t obvious.”
“I know you do,” Eddie says. “It was a goddamn journey though, wasn’t it?”
Buck just laughs, and Eddie smiles at him as he lifts himself off of Buck’s lap and lays back down, dragging Buck with him and tucking him into his side. Buck presses his face into the curve of Eddie’s neck and breathes him in.
“Now,” Eddie says, “let’s talk about having more of these practice dates. I think we should have practice sex pretty soon too, just obscene amounts of practice. Definitely more practice kisses, like loads of those, multiple times a day. Practice blow jobs are a high priority. I need repeated practice with those. Then probably practice living together. Practice proposal. A really long practice marriage, like practicing for the rest of our lives long. Practicing so hard.”
Buck snorts into Eddie’s neck.
“You’re never going to let me live this down, are you?”
“Absolutely not,” Eddie says, the pure glee in his voice so beautiful to Buck’s ears. “Not even when we’re in a practice retirement home.”
Buck can definitely live with that.