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If you asked Heeseung why he did it he wouldn’t be able to give you an answer. He would say he zoned out, let himself be carried away by the voices around him.
But really Heeseung knows exactly how he got here.
He’s addicted.
Drunk off of porcelain skin and flushed cheeks. Every turn of Sunoo’s head makes Heeseung more inebriated. He’s stuck, grasping at the end of a rope that’s long been weathered and frayed.
But Heeseung knows that won’t stop him.
He’s pathetic, chasing after moments of acknowledgement to keep him going.
He knows it’s not a great idea and yet that doesn’t stop him. He’s never been good at controlling himself around Sunoo, always falling victim to his smile.
He slithers down his seat, sticks his foot out and slides it under Sunoo’s chair. He taps.
Once.
Twice.
Three times to get his nerves under control.
On the third tap he brushes Sunoo’s leg (he didn’t mean to do it, he promises, his foot slipped on the linoleum, he swears).
His foot brushes Sunoo’s leg and Sunoo turns to face him.
All Heeseung can see is pink. The pink in Sunoo’s cheek, the pink of his lips, the pink around his eyes. All Heeseung can see is pink and his heart is in his throat.
Heeseung whips his face to the ground, refuses to make eye contact. He loses if he makes eye contact. No shot, no chance, no way he loses. He sees Sunoo smirk and turn back. Brat.
Heeseung is a weak pathetic man. He’s the coyote trying to catch the roadrunner. He’s an addict chasing his drug. He still seeks Sunoo out even when Sunoo is fully aware how pathetic he is.
It’s a game to Sunoo but to Heeseung it’s the blood in his veins, his reason for life, it’s the only thing he thinks of day in day out. He’s addicted to the feeling of Sunoo’s acknowledgment. The sound of his voice as he says Heeseung’s name. The imprint of his fingers on his bones as they bow. The smell of his perfume as they sit next to each other.
Sunoo turns back around, always better at remembering they’re on camera. If Heeseung was a smarter man he would have pulled back. Been satiated with the image of Sunoo’s smile imprinted in the back of his eyes.
But more than he is pathetic, he is greedy.
Never satisfied.
Always on the hunt.
If Heeseung was a smarter man he would have pulled back, but Heeseung is a greedy man. Heeseung is a greedy, pathetic man. So he reaches his foot back under Sunoo’s chair.
He goes for Sunoo’s other leg, trying to leave his mark anywhere he can. His foot enters Ni-Ki’s periphery and he sees Ni-ki look at it. At this point he should really leave Sunoo alone. Sit back up. Pretend he was just restless and ready to go home. But he makes eye contact with Ni-ki and instead of pulling back he looks away, lets his foot remain on its way to Sunoo.
He doesn’t know exactly how much the members know, but he knows they know something.
Maybe they know that Heeseung spends all his energy trying to never look at Sunoo. Or maybe they know how often he has to school his face when someone, anyone, gets into Sunoo’s space.
And God forbid if they touch him, perhaps they’re aware of how he draws blood, in his hands, his lips, his tongue as he tries not to move.
The members haven’t said anything to him which means it’s not affecting the group. But maybe they know how far gone he is. Maybe they know that if they sit him down for an intervention he would only get more obsessed. Maybe they know the only way to keep him at bay is to ignore him, let him and Sunoo orbit around each other. Pull each other's tides high and low.
The only person able to help him is Sunoo. It’s a closed loop. Heeseung is Sisyphus, bound to seek out Sunoo only to get nowhere.
Heeseung looks away from Ni-ki and faces the camera. Tries to remind himself they’re all live, millions of eyes watching. His foot is still there, Ni-ki looks at Heeseung again but Sunoo is once again in Heeseung’s periphery. The angle of his face is hitting the light just right so his whole cheek is sparkling.
That seems like a reasonable explanation for why Heeseung was looking at Sunoo again. Sunoo, so bright, cheek glowing like a neon sign, was calling for all the attention to be on him. So Heeseung had to look. Had to fill his sight with nothing but Sunoo’s feathery lashes, gently kissing the tops of his cheek. His pout, glimmering with the lip oil that Heeseung wants nothing more than to taste.
He looks at Sunoo and lets himself feel the high of Sunoo, feels his lips begin to form a smile.
Sunoo had always said they were connected. Two peas in a pod, peanut butter and jelly, the two sides of the same coin. Heeseung used to be able to pick apart Sunoo’s body language in one glance, fully assess and conclude what Sunoo needed. It’s like you can read my mind Sunoo would giggle, the two of them sharing body heat in the back corner of their set. Heeseung would stroke his hair, caress his arm, and send Sunoo off for his solo shots. In return Sunoo would shine brightly, lighting up the room, making everyone fall for him.
Maybe that’s why Sunoo shifts his eyes. Tries to look at Heeseung from the corner of his eye.
Heeseung looks at the camera again. Feels himself go rigid as he tries not to move, tries to keep his resolve from crumbling, tries to hold back the beast in his chest that wants him to keep looking at Sunoo. Keep feeding off him, let Sunoo inject himself deep into his veins. He sits still as Sunoo turns around, looks right at Heeseung.
Sunoo is smarter, stronger, and more aware than Heeseung is so Sunoo turns his face right back, barely looking at Heeseung. He fits himself into the conversation, as if he didn’t just invade Heeeseung’s entire being. Colonized his mind, rewired all his neurons. Programmed Heeseung to only pay attention to him.
Sunoo is smart, strong, aware, but more importantly, sadistic. Which is why he looked back at Heeseung for a second time.
Heeseung and Sunoo don’t talk. They read off lines to each other, talk to each other without locking eyes, refuse to give more than general opinions of each other. They don’t talk but they have rules for how this goes.
Sunoo ignoring him is normal, it’s typical. Heeseung will vie for his attention and Sunoo will pretend he’s sitting alone.
Sometimes Sunoo acknowledges him. Decides to give him an inch and looks at him, laughs at his joke, asks him a question while they’re live.
If Sunoo acknowledges him Heeseung knows Sunoo is feeling generous, willing to play a little. They can rest comfortably here, film some content, play around on stage, dance together.
If Sunoo looks at him twice that means he’s challenging Heeseung. Willing to see how far he’ll take it, how much he can hurt himself. Perhaps there’s a reward at the end. Perhaps if Heeseung teases him enough, flirts with him a little, touches him just right Sunoo will give something back.
Perhaps Heeseung can win.
This is where Heeseung thrives, his preferred dose.
Heeseung is a masochist, striving to bring himself to this exact point. He enjoys the chase, the feeling of having it all right at the tips of his fingers, inches away from grabbing what he needs.
But more than that he enjoys the risk of stumbling, falling and tripping, letting everything slip away. He gets off on not knowing what will happen; if Sunoo will continue to ignore him as he fights for his attention or if he will give him a third look.
And if Sunoo gives him a third look, well.
Sunoo only gave him two looks, but it’s been months since Sunoo had given him a second look. Heeseung had been running on fumes, ready to drop everything just to catch Sunoo’s eyes again. But Sunoo held back, probably because he truly doesn’t care that much, but mostly because holding out makes Sunoo a little meaner, a little more bratty, it gives Sunoo a kick too. Makes the rush worth the wait.
Heeseung is drunk off Sunoo and Sunoo is drunk off the control.
Heeseung takes the bait and shifts. Brings his foot back to Sunoo’s left leg. Gives him a little tap. Lets him know that he got the message.
Game on.
Heeseung brings his foot over to Sunoo’s right leg. He begins to shake his foot, trying to get under the leg of Sunoo’s jeans, rub at his ankle a little, chafe his skin. He knows he has to play the long game now, chill out, spread out his touches. It’s taken him so long to get here, he’s going to savor it. Tease Sunoo just a little, coax him into responding instead of forcing him. Let him go at his own pace.
Heeseung doesn’t know when he’ll get a second look again, he has to enjoy it while he’s here.
He pulls back. Sits up a little. Lets the moment pass. He needs to wait long enough for Ni-ki to forget about earlier. Keep him off his back.
He joins the conversation, flirts with the camera, makes some jokes. He waits long enough that he sees Jake start to look over at Sunoo. He sees him start to lose his footing as well, get pulled into Sunoo’s orbit.
He’s not sure what the members know about him and Sunoo, but he knows if they were him they would do the same.
He brings his foot back, reaches for the same ankle as before. This time Jay looks at him. Shoots him a questioning glance that would have flayed him alive if they locked eyes. Heeseung ignores him. Keeps his foot still. Lets the moment pass, rinse and repeat.
The third time he does it he knows he is running out of time.
The live has gone on for a while, they’re going to have to wrap it up soon. This is usually when he gets crazed, bold, daring. He wants to grab as much of Sunoo as he can, horde as much to get him through the next dry spell. He shifts in his seat and places his foot right against Sunoo’s leg.
Not good enough.
He looks down, directly at his foot by Sunoo and drags it up to just against his calf, letting his foot run across the back of Sunoo’s leg.
Sunoo looks at the tablet in Jake’s lap. It’s too small to see details but Heeseung knows Sunoo is checking the floor. Looking at their legs. Watching as Heeseung began to shake his foot again. He rubs Sunoo’s calf, digs his toes into his jeans just enough that Sunoo knows Heeseung is fully gone. Blacked out.
Sunoo squeezes his legs shut and Heeseung feels his skin burst into flames.
He didn’t win, not yet. There’s still a lot to do before he wins. But Heeseung got a reaction from Sunoo, a sign that he is affected too.
Heeseung sits back, too cocky for his own good. Smug and proud. He could die tomorrow and say he lived a good life. He’s content, satisfied, ready to go home. He’s had his fill, rolled the rock up, tossed the nicotine.
He relaxes into his chair as he watches Sunoo look under, sees Heeseung's foot, weary and victorious. Sunoo fidgets in his seat, rocks side to side, squeezes his legs again.
All Heeseung has to do now is wait.
Heeseung hears Jungwon’s voice shift into a conclusion. The staff behind the camera begin to slowly pack up. The comments speed up. Heeseung brings his foot back under Sunoo’s chair and begins to tap.
Taps until the last goodbye is made.
Taps until the staff confirm the live is shut.
Taps until Sunoo has stood up.
Taps until he knows Sunoo will either walk away or turn around.
Taps until he knows if he will get a third look.
Sunoo shifts.
Heeseung keeps tapping.