Chapter Text
For practically all your life, you’ve never known or seen beyond the walls of the Zoldycks’ mansion. It might be because you didn’t know where else to go, or it also might be because there was someone in particular you were waiting for. You wouldn’t call yourself patient, but you waited so long that at this point you are. Ever since you were a kid, there only seemed to be one thing that mattered.
“Illumi, are you alright?” You questioned the little boy who had walked out of what seemed like hell. Illumi wasn’t always so cold and heartless, more like a broken doll that was dropped one too many times on purpose. “Yeah, I’m fine”. His response is dull, lacking emotion with the hint of a exhaustion to it. He wasn’t fine, and you felt like the only person who could tell. You could tell from the way he acted that being apart of the Zoldyck family takes a large toll on someone, especially being their first born. Being the Zoldyck’s first born was no easy job, and you knew this. You knew that it basically meant being the lab rat for what would end up being the rest of the Zoldyck family. Assassins would stop at nothing, and Illumi was just a subject for testing the waters on how far they could push a regular kid to be beyond abnormal. He flinches as you touch his cheek gently, because you know he wasn’t ‘fine’. Eventually, he relaxes and his expression softens as he leans slightly into your touch. Your dull expression breaks from being completely blank to your lips curling upward in a small, comforting smile. In a way, you felt bad for Illumi because he reminded you of yourself. He was being pushed beyond abnormal, and on the other hand you were already abnormal. In fact, you have to thank the Zoldycks for everything that they’ve done for you because they got you out of whatever level of hell you were in. You never want to see yourself there again, and a while ago, you never wanted to see yourself at all after what happened.
There you were, standing over the body of your dad. You could barely recognize him as your dad, with his eyes bleeding out and dark red splattered everywhere. The kitchen counters and the shattered glass on the floor were all painted dark red. Your hands were painted red too, and a lot more than you’d like after you lost control. He had it coming for him after he chose to kill your mom by smashing her head into the windows. You were only human, and like everyone else, imperfect. Sometimes instead of thinking rationally, like everyone else, you impulsively do some things because they can’t control their emotions. That’s how you found yourself there in the first place. There wasn’t much to salvage there, and there wasn’t much you knew how to do as a kid. The only way to escape this awful situation? Running away, and hoping it wouldn’t catch up. Your life was somewhat normal, except for the occasional fights that your parents had. But these were overseen as ‘normal’ because you didn’t know what was normal. A memory reminisces itself in your head on one of the many fights you witnessed.
“There isn’t enough money” was one of the sentences that you still remember. Why was it always about money, why did everything have to be about what you didn’t have? The sound of the person you could barely recognize as your dad grabs at utensils, it was irritating — the loud, disgusting noise of silver scratching against each other and hitting the walls of the drawer was finding a route to your ears in all the wrong ways. He fiddles around with the silverware until his hand stops and he pulls out of knife. Your mom is still arguing with him, and the sound of talking could not get any louder or any more annoying. You just want to leave. “I should just end it, nobody cares about the efforts I put in”, you hear from your dad. “Do you really want to do this in front of the kid?” your mom screams back at him. “Yeah, maybe that way someone can witness how awful you are”. The moment you heard this you knew it simply wasn’t true. In all honestly, you thought that they were both awful. But when your mom turns to you and asks who’s right, that’s when your mind went blank and you went quiet. Being told to leave was all that you needed to hear before you left your house and went outside to get out of your overwhelming situation. Then, when you were outside, you posed yourself with a question. ‘Who do I think was right?’
It was such a shock when everything started falling apart because once you were the same as everyone else during their childhood. It was like one moment you had everything, and all of sudden it’s gone. You remember being driven home from school one day when you were five.
“Hon, do you think we should get some hot chocolate on the way back?”, your mom asks you. A new cafe had opened down the street beside your school, and that store sure knew how to market its food. After seeing the advertisements, you’d been wanting to go there for so long, especially during your recess break when all the kids played outside. A nice, warm and comforting mug of hot chocolate definitely wouldn’t hurt when it was that cold. “It’s so cold, can we?” you asked in response with excitement. She nodded, chuckling at your enthusiasm and started driving towards the direction of the cafe. The smell of warm hot chocolate filled the air as soon as the two of you arrived. The cafe was small, and you treaded through the snow in the parking lot to reach it. There was an inviting aroma around it, which only got stronger when you opened the door to warmth and an even richer smell of hot cocoa mix and hot chocolate met you. You walked to a seat and sat down, examining your surroundings. There were little Christmas lights lining the edges of the roof, and festive decorations taped to the wood ceiling. There were cute cardboard cutouts of snowflakes and clear plastic ornaments painted festive colours. It was such a comforting environment and felt so much safer than being outside in the snow. In the middle of the cafe against one of the walls was a campfire. This cafe looked something like a cottage, but one that was built more for the winter. The large windows let you look outside at the beautiful scenery of snowflakes falling. You wished you could watch them forever, but nothing lasts forever. “Sweetie, what should we order?” Your mom asked, which broke you out of your trance. “Hot chocolate!” You say happily. She smiled at your joy as she walked to the counter to make her order. While you waited, you couldn’t help but look around a bit more. There was a TV hanging from one of the corners, the same type of TV you find in restaurants that are there for you to watch while you eat. As the advertisement on the TV ended, the next thing that showed up piqued your interest. It was the news talking about a group of assassins, famous ones at that— and they had just killed another person. You might have just been five at the time, but you were smart enough to know what that meant. ‘Poor soul, who would do such a thing?’ You wondered at the time. Your mom then came back from ordering the drinks, and the last thing you think you heard from the TV before you directed your attention to your mom was something about a ‘Zoldyck’? You didn’t know what that was at the time, but you did know that what was shown on the news was horrible. ‘Why would people kill? That’s horrible. I swear I will never let anyone I know end up like those assassins.’
It was so ironic that you ended up with blood on your hands, and it’s even more ironic what you became after that.
You were just seven when everything fell apart, so you knew nothing more than to find a way out of problems instead of dealing with it. That’s when you eventually ran into someone you’d never forget, Kikyo. You owe it all to Kikyo. She felt sorry, and decided to take you with her to the place where you would soon become a Zoldyck butler. Associated with a group of assassins when you swore you’d never let anyone you know become one. Well, no matter, you already had blood on your hands, why not go all out?
Running into Kikyo was also when you ran into Illumi’s life. You had long forgotten about what you swore to yourself. Illumi and you were both the same age, so even in that hellish mansion with the type of people that you used to swear you’d never be around, you felt comfortable around him. When you first arrived there, you trained constantly because you wanted to mean something. Your past life was thrown away, and you felt this constant need to protect Illumi. Probably because you knew his family was unstable, and you were scared he’d end up like you. Broken down until he was absolutely nothing. Or maybe it was because at the time, you were stronger than him due to your unrelentless training. Either way, you had to protect his pure soul. Only back then, you were still a kid and Illumi was too. Illumi was a lot different than he is now. You would say that Illumi has been broken down to even less than nothing since then.
In a joyful voice that you love hearing, Illumi tells you “Tulip, let’s go play!”, and he held out his hand for you to take as he said that. Tulip was a nickname that Illumi had given you because according to him, you were as perfect as a flower blossom. Something you would never admit is that Illumi’s cute childish smile was something you couldn’t say no to. “You know we’re not supposed to do that, Illumi. Kikyo would be mad at both of us. Especially when you’re supposed to be training”. Despite what you were saying, against your better judgment your hand reluctantly crept its way to his. But who could deny him when he looked so happy? There was no declining his offer when he had that happy expression plastered on his face. The same expression nobody would ever want to see disappear, especially on someone they loved. “Oh, come on, all we do is train! Can’t we go have fun for once?” He slightly tugs at your hand as he says that. Something tugs at your lips, and they curl up into a slight smile. He runs to the gate while pulling your hand with him. “Don’t blame me if we get caught, then”. He flashed you another smile that you could never forget as you let him pull you by your arm.
Illumi took you outside where the two of you fooled around and it was almost like you were both regular kids for once. After that, Illumi was sitting behind you while you stood in front of him, and he ran his hands through your hair. There was a comforting silence between you two before Illumi broke it. “Your hair is so pretty, can I braid it?” With the same childish, cheerful tone that tugs at both your heartstrings and the edges of your lips, you let him braid it. You could feel a gentle tug on your hair as he fiddled with it, like he was trying to make the most perfect braid he possibly could. Looking at his short, jet black locks of hair you decided to break the silence once more. “You know, Illumi, your hair is beautiful too.” This was true. Even now, you always thought this. You thought every part of him was beautiful, from those hopeful, glimmering eyes to his smooth, dark hair. He smiles at you in response. “It’s not nearly as pretty as yours!” You let out a quiet laugh with his response. After hearing your laugh, he speaks again “I’m serious, look at how long and healthy it is!”, he tells you. Illumi sure knew how to cheer people up. “Maybe you should grow your hair out. It’d be so pretty.” You told him in response without your usual dull tone. That seemed to surprise him. However, in a disapprovingly tone he responded with “No way! Long hair is so difficult to take care of”. You couldn’t help but laugh at his response. “Oh, come on, wouldn’t you grow it out for me?” You start in a teasing tone. You remember feeling completely unlike yourself in that moment, and genuinely acknowledged your emotions. It made you happy that you were able to talk to Illumi. He made you happy. Illumi stuck his tongue out at you in a joking way. “Never!” He replies. You laughed at him because of how silly and childish he was. “You’re already short when it comes to height! Are you sure you wanna go all out and include hair too?” You joked in response. “Hey!” He said, annoyed at the comment you made on his height. At the time, since you were both only around nine, Illumi was shorter than you and you loved to poke fun at him for it. It felt nice to be able to do something other than ordering him around during his training for a change, but of course, he was a Zoldyck. He basically couldn’t do the things that he wanted to do, and you knew this. You knew that you couldn’t either, being a butler for the Zoldycks. But you couldn’t help yourself. You knew that genuinely spending time with him wouldn’t last very long with all their strict rules— especially when it came to training. So when Kikyo practically broke down the door as she walked in every room looking for Illumi, she definitely wasn’t very happy. And she absolutely wasn’t happy to see her son, who was destined for greater things than to be a normal little boy playing around, do something as stupid as play with their butler, someone who was supposed to be lower than them. You weren’t shocked when she burst through the door. It was honestly expected of his crazy family to do something like this, that’s why you were fully prepared to start talking as soon as she entered and take the blame for Illumi. Kikyo spoke up, clearly dissatisfied with what she was seeing. Kikyo was the one who allowed you into the Zoldyck mansion, and because of that, you were always grateful to her. Imagine her shock the moment she opened the door to both her son and one of her most loyal butlers disobeying her. “Illumi, what are you doing here? I thought you were training, I looked everywhere for you! Why are you braiding her hair?” Kikyo spoke quickly in a panicked voice like she was rushing to ask Illumi ‘What the hell are you doing?’, so you instantly replied with the response you’d been planning. “Lady Kikyo, I apologize for not doing as we are told. I was the one who suggested master Illumi and I—“ before you can finish your well-planned apology, Illumi, interrupting you, speaks up. “Mother, it was my idea”, he instantly says. You stared at him with wide eyes. You were astonished, after planning that entire apology just so he wouldn’t take the blame, he ended up finding a way to shift it to himself anyway. You obviously didn’t want him to take the blame, though, so you spoke up again. “Master Illum—“ before you can finish your sentence, you catch Illumi looking at you and shut up as soon as you noticed how he glared in a threatening way. You knew he didn’t really mean it, Illumi was just trying to protect you. It was heartwarming, but you also wanted to protect him. So when Kikyo reprimanded him and decided to drag him by his ear to another room so she could continue doing so, you felt like it was your fault that you didn’t take the blame.
Illumi walks out of his parents room sobbing after probably what was another long lecture on how there were better things to do than wasting time playing. You should’ve trusted your judgment, but like every imperfect human, sometimes emotions get the better of them. You couldn’t help but feel soft when he asked you so nicely to play outside. Without taking common sense into accountability, you thought that fooling around wouldn’t hurt because every other kid did that. Too bad Illumi wasn’t every other kid. Raising a hand to his cheek to wipe the tears away, you couldn’t help but feel sorry and guilty. It was partially your fault for agreeing and he didn’t even let you take the blame for him. You wished that he didn’t have to go through being a Zoldyck and could simply act like every other kid, playing outside carelessly. You might not be a normal kid either, but at the very least you got to experience acting like one. If only Illumi could do the same. In an attempt to make him feel better, you spoke up “Illumi, I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have agreed. Next time I’ll make sure that we do as your parents tell us to”. When he heard this, he didn’t seem to care about what his parents told him anymore and smiled at you. “Don’t worry, it’s not your fault. Maybe next time we can go somewhere else where they won’t catch us”. You couldn’t help but smile at his childish behavior, despite how dull your expression usually was. It just made you so happy knowing how happy Illumi was, especially if you were the one making him happy. Even if you’d never show emotions and do your best to maintain your expressionless face, you definitely cared about him a lot.
And even though you wanted to protect him, over and over again, you’d go against your better judgement. Once again, you were outside with Illumi and going against the rules you were both supposed to follow. You and Illumi were both sitting on the patchy grass and leaned against a tree, enjoying the silence. Illumi snuck the two of you out so that you could watch the stars at night. You rested against the tree and relaxed your eyes. This is what you always loved about being with Illumi. It would be quiet, but it was different from the type of quiet when you’re alone. You felt less lonely when he was beside you, and the silence was never awkward. Just comforting for both of you. You notice Illumi is starting to fall asleep. “Hey, Illumi.” You whisper. He doesn’t give you a response and his eyes stay closed. “I guess you’re asleep”, you whisper to yourself. You didn’t mind that he was asleep. In fact, you couldn’t help but notice how beautiful he looked. You weren’t stupid. On the outside you were a cold person with a dull personality, but even though everyone thinks of you as some Zoldyck butler freak, you still had emotions. And this particular feeling you felt about Illumi was something you had never felt before. Despite the fact you were both kids, you knew you were in love. You take Illumi and gently rest his head in your lap and take one of his hands in your own as you brush your hands through his beautiful dark hair. In that moment, you felt so happy. You hummed a lullaby in hopes that it would help him sleep. To your shock, Illumi slightly opened his eyes and said “Your voice is so pretty, Tulip”. His sudden voice caught you off guard, and you jumped. “I thought you were asleep!”, you said as he laughed at the way that you jumped in shock. After that, the same comforting silence from earlier met the both of you for a little while. Then, Illumi spoke up. “Promise I’ll be the only one to hear you sing?”, he asked. You looked at him in surprise. Noticing your expression, Illumi continued. “I want to be the only one to hear your pretty voice”, he says. You chuckled at this, but Illumi started once again. “I’m serious, promise?”, he asked. You smiled at how childish he was, but held one of his hands in both of yours. “Promise.” You said. And at the time, you meant it. Both of you ended up falling asleep to the comfort of being in each other's presence, but obviously the Zoldycks weren’t happy with the two of you. Once again, it was another lecture and once again, Illumi took the blame. And again, you find yourself watching him upset after a lecture but feeling too guilty to talk to him again.
He always acted like it didn’t bother him, but you knew it did. It happened over and over again, and you knew he regret every second of disobeying his parents if it meant he had to face his parents who constantly wanted him to be anything but a normal kid who plays outside. Because of this, he slowly started changing. At first, it was small, but it just started getting more drastic, and you weren’t blind and these little changes that were happening.
Illumi walks out of his parents room again after probably what was another lecture. “Are you alright?” You asked him, concerned. He had not made any effort to start a conversation again. You weren’t blind, you knew that for whatever reason he was distancing himself. It was just getting more and more obvious everyday. And since you genuinely cared about him, you decided to ask, even if it meant breaking your facade that you didn’t. You weren’t supposed to care about any of them after all, and according to Kikyo, ‘assassins have no need for friends’. You knew that you weren’t supposed to love Illumi, especially being the weak butler you are, but you were the one protect Illumi because he was weaker. Your imagination of what could possibly justify your love for Illumi never lasted, though, because that changed drastically. Being put through years of torturous training to handle pain doesn’t just change someone’s façade, but also their endurance to pain. It seemed like after all, that Illumi was invincible to emotional pain too. Now, he never took another second to consider how you felt.
Truth be told, you miss how Illumi was as a kid. You missed the way he asked you with so much joy to play outside and you missed the way he talked to you like you were his best friend, because he was absolutely yours. You definitely missed the way you were able to tease him for being more immature and shorter than you back then, but all of that has changed. You also missed the way always had a carefree expression on his face, and you hoped that somewhere you could find the old Illumi that you fell in love with beneath his practically emotionless face. A part of you wanted to believe that after years of harsh training and being the Zoldycks lab rat for just how far they can push a regular kid, he could still go back to normal. But you knew that wouldn’t happen because he wouldn’t even let you try to bring him back. He was like ice now. Stone cold expression and you could say the same for his heart— it was practically frozen over. He towered over you now, and beside him, you were nothing but weak. You used to be able to protect him, but he won’t even let you do that anymore either because he grew up to be just like the other Zoldycks. He was stronger than you now, so no matter how much you wanted to protect him like before, you couldn’t. You almost couldn’t recognize him anymore. He was just another typical Zoldyck, and just another person who found all those years and memories of playing together as children transactional. The Illumi that you knew didn’t think of you as a tool to help him with his success, and you hoped that the Illumi you knew would tell whoever this statue was now that not everything has to be about getting something in return. Illumi stopped calling you tulip as well, and that nickname just faded along with your childhood dreams of the two of you being in love one day. Maybe you’re not as perfect as a blossom anymore. As much as you’d like to remind Illumi how he acted in his childhood and maybe, just maybe bring him back, you barely saw him. As he grew older, he distanced himself from you as well because he wasn’t a kid in need of a friend to play with anymore. Illumi just saw you as another butler, like every other one instead of the person that he grew up with. He thought of you as a friend when you were kids, but it seemed like friends were no longer a part of his universe. You felt like an overworked appliance, similar to a computer or something that wasn’t far from short circuiting. And honestly, that’s what you were always supposed to be when Kikyo was nice enough to take you in. It seemed like being in the Zoldyck’s mansion meant the universe wanted to take every once of life you had left until you finally cracked. This included taking Illumi’s old demeanor that you loved and turning it into some robot-like personality. You don’t even show emotion anymore because there’s nobody to show it to. The only person that you used to genuinely feel something around was Illumi, but the Illumi you knew isn’t to be seen. You might act as lifeless as a broken doll after the universe did manage to crack you, but you wished someone would notice that you weren’t completely broken. You still had emotions, but they would never be noticed and especially not noticed in the Zoldyck mansion. From what you’ve learned, anything and everything with the Zoldycks is transactional. In their eyes, nobody gets something from nothing. It makes you wonder how it’s even possible that the Zoldyck family hasn't broken apart, because everyone wanted something from each other in that family. Kikyo saved you, but in return you had to take care of her son. And what she wanted out of her son was to be a successful murderer. You were just there to be useful to him. Being useful to Illumi was fine for you, even if you were just a tool to him, because you wanted to mean something like before when you were kids. You wanted to be his tulip again, but you’d never mean anything to Illumi, as much as you’d like to believe he cared. Not anymore at least. Obviously, in Illumi’s perspective, you were his friend when he was a kid. He definitely cared at least some bit for you because you were always there for him and you both grew up together. But now all you’ll be met with is ‘Assassins have no need for friends’. Just like what Kikyo always told you, but instead coming out of Illumi’s mouth. And hearing that in his voice specifically hurts. More than anything.