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Gabriel,
Do you remember that one day when we met? Where you played make believe and I stole it? I remember hating you, for everything you did. When you went too far with your game.
You killed people that day, the day we met. I was hunting for a monster, you. But you flipped my life, just a little that day. You played tricks on me and my brother, just for fun, just for a reaction out of us.
When we met, (it feels like yesterday, always replaying in my mind.) you told us you were a janitor, a disguise, inside a disguise. We found you out, tried to hunt you. We found out then. You were? (Are you still one? Was it all a lie?) A norse god. (Liar.)
Back then, I was only hunting to satisfy myself; get rid of those feelings of pure despair. I wanted to forget about her, the way I always woke up in a mess. Despair.
I loved her, and she was taken away from me. I wanted revenge, I wanted to help myself. It was so selfish, I was so selfish to ever dream that would help. One day, I had hoped that it would help, that it would make me feel more like myself. I never was the same, was I?
I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have been talking about this. I just wanted to say something, to connect with you. It feels so weird.
Your friend,
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Gabriel,
You were different to the usual monsters we hunted, though. You had reasons . They were human-like. You killed them because they deserved it. (You didn’t even kill them all.) You made me think.
Made me think about everything. They weren’t all monsters, some wanted a normal life. Like you. You wanted to be away from your family, and the thing is. I understand that, I wanted to escape them too. But I couldn’t, and you couldn’t either.
I tried to run away from my father, tried to lead a normal life and go to college. Do you even know who she is? We were together, I met her in that college, Stanford. I was happy, and she was happy with me. Then she died, and I couldn’t ever imagine myself in love again. (Was she actually the one?)
Then, one day, years after she died. I was told it was all a lie, a trick. Was anything we had real? You should know, after all, your whole existence is built on lies. Was what we had a lie? It should be, but something inside me knows it wasn’t.
Your friend,
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Gabriel,
I remember that one day you came back, that one day on repeat for hundreds of loops. I still get nightmares from that one day. (Like her.) I understand now it wasn’t your intention. You did what you usually did, teach others their lesson. (Still a dick move, though.)
I thought it was all a trick, that it was another one of your games. You’re an angel, so perfect, why would you spend time with me? But you kept visiting, we spent the day under those trees in autumn. I didn’t realize it back then, I really wish I knew, maybe I could’ve said something to change fate.
Fate. Was that what this all was? Was she fate as well? Maybe, one day I’ll understand why she was taken away from me.
Sorry, I started talking about her again. Maybe one day I can believe that we were fate.
Your friend,
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Gabriel,
Do you remember when you convinced me I was worth something? You told me that I wasn’t damaged. You picked me up, you put my pieces back together, why? I still don’t know, is this still one of your tricks? (It’s always tricks with you, isn’t it?)
Then, you told us. The truth. It was hard to believe, you’ve never told the truth before.
You’re an angel. An actual, full angel. Not some random janitor, not a norse god, not a monster. But an angel. And you just wanted to escape heaven, get away from your family. They were fighting constantly. You wanted out, and you got out. You changed yourself, made yourself into someone you're not. You convinced yourself you had to do this. Like me, with my family.
It’s weird, realizing how much we have in common. I would’ve thought it would bring us closer, but I suppose this isn’t one of those cliche romance movies.
You wanted to help us, and I should have realized then. How you felt about me, because you never helped anyone, you only helped yourself.
I thought you were gone. You sacrificed yourself, to save us from Lucifer himself. (Your own brother, for me. Why?) But you ran from me. Why? (I won’t ever know. Maybe one day?) I didn’t even get to say goodbye, we could’ve fought together. You didn’t have to confront your brother like that, we. No, I could’ve saved you.
Could you have saved her?
Sorry.
Your friend,
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Gabriel,
I know you’ll never receive these letters, it’s been one year since you died (you can’t be dead.) left. You left. And even if you do come back, I don’t think I’ll ever have the guts to show you these.
My brother tells me to get over myself, admit that you’re gone. But I refuse to believe him. Tricks are your thing, aren’t they? It’s just a trick. This whole thing, we had going on. Was this just a trick? Your love? Or was it genuine. (Did you even love me?)
One day, I’ll see you again.
I think I love you.
Your friend? (I don’t think we’ll ever be anything.)
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Gabriel,
You came back, and here you are, here we are. After years. (Us, that’s a weird concept. Is this what I wanted?) That one moment in time. I got the chance to help you, to nurture you. I got my chance to say thank you, I got to show you how grateful I was to have you back. I didn’t care that you were broken, I helped to put you back together like you did with me.
And then, I helped you again. We shared glances, and fought those who harmed you. I knew how bad revenge was, I had to go through the aftermath several times. But yet, you convinced me to help you. I helped you get revenge. Was all of this because of that? Did I do this because I wanted to help?
Is it because I love you? I think I do. My brother hasn’t said anything, yet. But he keeps looking at me like I’m going to explode, so I think he knows.
Do you know? Maybe, Maybe one day I’ll be able to tell you. You won’t leave again, right? You won’t trick me again?
Your something,
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Gabriel,
It hurts, to see you so damaged. Is this how you felt with me? Is that why you helped me? I want to believe there’s something here, and that one day I’ll have the guts to tell you. You say you're staying, and that you appreciate, adore , the time we spend together. Is it true?
I haven’t thought of her for so long, well, that’s changed now. But regardless, I haven’t thought of her, romantically, in so long. Is it because of you? I think it is.
You’re still damaged, and I won’t run. (Like you did. But it’s okay, I’ll forgive you even if my brother doesn’t.) I’ll stay and help you heal.
Do you love me? Is that why you stayed? Please tell me this isn’t a game.
Your dearest something,
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Gabriel,
Do you remember yesterday? When I was held back from you, as you left again; sacrificing yourself for my safety again. Why? I didn’t deserve any of this. Maybe, if I was stronger, if I went after you. I could’ve saved you. You knew, you knew how dangerous it was, you knew you would die. (Are you dead?) I think you did die.
This is different from before, this time. I saw you get stabbed, I saw him throw you to the ground like you were nothing. (You’re everything.) Even though my brother knew, he pulled me back, yelled at me. He didn’t want to lose me, but I didn’t want to lose you.
I wrote these letters to let something out, I thought it would help. Maybe then one day you would see them. But you can’t. And it’s all my fault, if only I wasn’t so weak. Weak and feeble, unable to save the one.
I love.
I love you, loved? Is that the right word? Did you love me? I want you to tell me, please. Tell me something, anything. I want to be beside you again, in that shared silence. Comfortable. Please? I want to save you, again. I would save you, I will. I’ll get you back. One day.
Your everything, I love you.