Chapter Text
Higgs was sitting on the cold sand looking out at the great sea in front of him. The waves came and went in cold whispers that made his skin crawl, because looking at the immensity of that beach and sharing the noisy silence of its details broke him in half every time. And every time he came back. He came back and sat there alone, looking at and memorizing every detail. Listening to the noise of the silence.
And it hurt like hell.
If hell could cause any kind of pain. Did hell even exist?
Higgs' mind was empty, and because it was empty it ended up overflowing with thoughts, images, messages, sensations... memories. And he went back and forth, from one side to the other and there was no beginning, middle or end. And that was his Beach or whatever he is now, whatever he will become.
Sitting there looking at the sea in front of him, that immense horizon, he thought, thought and thought. And he wanted so much for his thoughts to escape and reach his goal, but his thoughts were only weak, cold sighs, unable to warm his trembling body.
He bent his legs, hugging his knees and resting his chin on them. He stared at the horizon and closed his eyes as if that would keep the tears away. And it was so ridiculous to think how often he cried after being alone. He could humiliate himself as long as the tears flowed from his eyes, no one would judge him or point fingers. No one would witness the consequences of his flawed actions, his imperfections.
But damn it, he wanted so much relief, a hug, a cuddle. Any fucking thing would do. A scream echoing on the horizon that wasn't his own, a voice, a gust of wind, any fucking thing would do!
He closed his eyes again, inhaled the air and thought again. He begged, pleaded, whatever the fuck it took. Something had to happen, someone had to come and get him.
Higgs opened his eyes again, feeling his throat closing and his eyes flooding with tears, because there was no one. Amelie threw him away, sending him to his own beach. Fragile and Sam should be where they should be and so should he, there, alone, static and frozen on his beach, Higgs Beach. Totally alone, a discarded weight, a useless object, an empty, dirty pot. Thrown in the trash. Forgotten.
He suddenly felt a different breeze, a warm breeze coming from the sea and it made him hold his breath and raise his head, trying to see if anything had changed. He had no idea how long he had been sitting there, admiring the morbid scenery and how it would translate into the world of the living. Even though he was very aware that he was perhaps living in the world of the living in a totally dead state.
But there was still nothing.
“Hey, asshole.”
The voice sounded off to his right and Higgs remained still, his eyes now wide and his breath caught in his tears.
“I didn't think I'd find you here in one piece, I think it's a miracle.”
The seat next to him was taken. That real, living human warmth filled his right and Higgs still didn't look. It was his mind playing tricks on him, mocking him and his sadness.
“Higgs? Hey…”
Sam raised his hand and rested it on Higgs' shoulder. A warm hand on cold skin and he noticed the hairs on the other man's arm stand on end. Sam looked down and frowned. Higgs wasn't wearing his cape and much of his costume had been removed. His arms were sticking out.
“Are you all right?”
It was certainly a stupid question.
“You don't exist.” Higgs answered in one breath, looking away mechanically as if he were prepared to deal with all his ghosts, Sam was one of them, for sure. “You're not real and you can't be here. Go away.”
“Damn, you kind of called me, actually.” He replied amusedly. “I wanted to sleep and somehow your voice started echoing inside my head.” Sam took his hand off his shoulder and settled down beside him. “It's not the first time, but I sort of gave up and decided to follow your voice.”
“Very irresponsible.” He turned his face back to the sea.
“It's lonely here.”
“It's just like any other beach, Sammy.”
Sam clicked his tongue on the roof of his mouth and stood up, making the air around Higgs move again, that ridiculous heat he didn't believe he deserved, and then there was a hand outstretched in front of him.
“Let's go over there.”
“Be specific.” Higgs looked at his hand and the rest of the beach. The black and white expanse. “There is no such thing as ‘there’ , because there is everywhere and nowhere at the same time.”
He tried to put on a half-hearted smile, just to let Sam know that he wasn't interested at all.
“So if it's irrelevant, you won't be wasting your time. Let's go!” The hand approached and Higgs analyzed it, holding it for a long time afterwards.
And why was Sam there? Was he real? But...
“What exactly are you doing here?” Higgs asked as he was lifted up by Sam.
It was very funny to realize how much Sam, even shorter than Higgs, still looked bigger. Higgs felt so small next to him, so much colder and more compact. There was something about Sam that was very expansive, even though he was a totally quiet and reserved guy.
“I told you, I heard you calling me.” Sam pulled him along and they walked along the beach. “I have to ask you: what am I doing here?” He looked at him. “Why did you call me?”
Higgs lowered his eyes, Sam's warm hand on his that was so cold, it was ridiculous. It was ridiculous how that hand was energizing him in some way, silly even, but very significant.
“I was alone, feeling... abandoned.” He said it at once. And fuck whether Sam was for real or not. Higgs was tired, cold and lonely. And Higgs needed him somehow. “In a way, you're the only thing I can think of apart from... apart from her.”
“A little worrying, perhaps?” He raised his eyebrows and shrugged his shoulders, as if that was indeed something dangerous. We're talking about Higgs and maybe a pencil in his hands could become a deadly weapon. “What matters is that I'm here and that you're no longer alone. How do you feel about that?”
Worrying .
They stopped and Higgs was looking Sam in the eye. Those centimeters less that made the other man simply adorable and tempting. Not that Higgs wanted to devour him because of it, no, far from it. Perhaps not literally. He didn't know, really.
“I... Sam…”
He put his tongue to his lips, his mouth was dry and his heart was racing. Sam indicated the sand for them to sit down again and Higgs was still trying to work out an answer in his head when he noticed the children's toys scattered around.
“Fuck... What do you mean? How... ?” He was a bit lost.
Sam sat down next to him and began to work with the toys and sand.
“This is from Lou,” he smiled small, ”we got them from some kind people, so to speak. So every time we get a chance to play outside, I take her and the colored pots to a pile of sand and stones and make castles. It looks more interesting here.”
Sam raised his head and looked ahead, at the immensity of Higgs Beach.
“What do you say?” He asked again and Higgs realized that there were already too many questions to answer.
There was that silence between them, it wasn't unpleasant, while Sam still tidied up the small pots, putting the bigger ones in first and then the smaller ones, filling them with sand.
“You want me to play with your daughter's toys, is that it?”
There was that smug little smile on his lips as he knocked over one of the pots, causing Sam to mumble something that hit his ears like poetry, because he liked to tease the other man.
“I think we should spend some time having fun while we talk, because there's nothing else to do here apart from that.”
“Yeah, maybe that's fair.” He looked at Sam, hoping the other would reciprocate.
When their eyes met, Higgs smiled, trying to convey a message. It's okay, I don't feel alone anymore. Thank you for coming. What took you so long? Maybe I love you.
Noticing certain things startled him, but he kept the smile on his lips and then turned his attention to the pots and the distracted conversation that Sam had started, telling him about how he had taken Louise out of the pod and now they were living together in some bunker, far away from the Bridges' problems. Higgs thought it all admirable and totally impossible, but it was Sam Bridges who was there, on his beach with some of his daughter's toys, killing his loneliness and taking some of his pain away from his chest. It was a relief. And if Sam had the power to heal a piece of the rot inside him, then everything would be possible for him.
“Are you coming back more often?”
Sam looked at him, placing a new tower of sand on top of the one they had already built. There was a sparkle in Higgs' eyes that he perhaps knew what it meant. Hope, anxiety, admiration, longing, love.
“I don't know. If you call me, maybe I'll come back. Yes... maybe I will. Why?”
Higgs' blue eyes looked at every detail of Sam's face, his lips moving, his beard, the strands of hair, the wrinkles in his eyes. Geez...
“I think...” he looked away, now giggling like a silly teenager. “It's nothing. It's nothing.” He closed his eyes and sighed, a little awkwardly.
“Hey, don't be cruel to yourself!” Sam pushed him on the shoulder, making him open his eyes and be a little startled by his attitude. “Let's finish this castle and then we'll decide later.”
“Why castles?”
“Why what?”
“Why castles, Sam? Isn't there anything else for you and Lou to do besides make castles?”
Sam thought for a while, fiddled with the sand, played with the pots, filled one of them, compacted the sand inside and then placed it on top of another sand tower that had already been made.
“It's simple, easy and fun,” he shrugged, mouthing, ”Lou is a developing child, so simple things are easy for her to enjoy. And I'm happy when I see her happy.”
They looked at each other again. Sam took a few breaths, looking into Higgs' freezing blue eyes. Their hands played awkwardly with their toys.
“I want to see you happy too, that's all.”
Then get me out of here... Higgs thought. Then hold me, warm me. Kiss me if you have to. Anything…
“Happy…”
Higgs repeated as if the word were empty of meaning, and perhaps it was. It echoed in his head like all the silence in that place did and then his chest ached because it weighed on him. To realize that such a simple word was so complex for his soul to digest, because he simply wasn't worthy of it.
“I'm sorry if I…” Sam began and Higgs interrupted him with a smile. “Actually, I shouldn't have said that, I-”
“All right!” He parted his lips, putting in the last pot of sand to complete the castle. “Look, it's really big and strong, it doesn't look like anyone will be able to knock it down!”
Higgs sort of changed the subject, because the things going on in his head were starting to scare him again and Sam's company was so enjoyable that he didn't want to destroy it any time soon. He didn't know when Sam would leave. Whether it would be now, later or never, but in any case he didn't want to waste a second on nonsense.
Sam watched Higgs' excitement with a smile on his lips. The castle looked great, but he was running out of time.
“Higgs, I...” he interrupted him, his heart now growing small, growing cold. “I have to go now.”
Higgs stopped and looked at Sam, feeling his world crumble, his castle collapse. He looked at the building the two of them had built and then at the man next to him.
“I don't want to, Sam. I…”
“Look.” Sam stood up quickly, giving Higgs his hand to hold once more and once they were both on their feet, he continued: “You have two choices here.” He raised his hand to indicate two with his fingers. “You choose to destroy the castle we built and then the next time I see you we'll play again or you can leave it there and when I come back we'll do something else, what do you think?”
Higgs didn't understand. He didn't want to understand because either way, whatever he chose, he would be alone again.
“Tell me what it's going to be: destruction or preservation?”
- if you chose destroy, skip to chapter 2
- if you chose preserve, go to chapter 3 immediately