Chapter Text
Chapter 1
I Just Miss You
My days without you, I can’t focus on anything
Never, no more
Even if I regret it, everything is over
I don’t even have the confidence to turn this around
You kindly come to me and shake me again
Oh no, oh no
Stop holding onto my heart
Only looking at you and crying for you seems foolish
Oh no, oh no
This is not love
Six months since Lena had started acting strange. No, not strange really. Just plain old avoiding Kara’s every call, text, and surprise visits that ended up not being a visit. Visits implied you were seen by the person you were trying to actually see. It implied you had spent some amount of time together. Despite being best friends … Lena and Kara had not spent more than an hour with each other since Lena started avoiding her and giving reasons for why she couldn’t see Kara. Kara’s chest ached when she thought about it too long, her lungs felt stuck with emotion, and her eyes became wet no matter how hard she tried not to let it show. The disappointment was slowly turning into painful understanding. She had waited too long and either someone else had told Lena or Lena had figured it out on her own at some point. And it hurt so much to realize that all of the wasted chances she’d had over the years meant losing the one person who meant the most to her outside of her family … well, Lena had been family at one point. Kara was probably enemy number one now instead of the person Lena would turn to for comfort any time something happened and shook her world like Jack’s passing, Lillian’s betrayal, and the countless other things that had happened to her.
Love, I pretend that I’m fine
That I don’t love you even though I do
I can’t do it
Crying, crying
Kara took a shaky breath and looked around at her empty apartment. There were no more game nights without Lena because she was her perfect partner during every game night … until she left. And no more movie nights unless Alex came over and forcibly fed Kara food while attempting to watch the horror movies that they used to just love making fun of for poor plots or dumb decisions. No, nothing was the same without Lena there. Food tasted like the ashes of her home planet, colors looked dull without Lena’s beauty to appreciate things and making everything more beautiful and brighter, living was the same as being dead when you found you had nothing to find any amount of joy in doing. Kara was just a body, a passenger moving through life as everything felt pointless, felt redundant and dull. There were no more sharing new things with Lena, showing Lena something that either endlessly fascinated her, or made her eyes light up with joy when she discovered something that most everyone else knew about or enjoyed because of her strict upbringing.
And just like the joy Lena found in those things, Kara had found the joy in showing Lena those things, but those days were gone now. Instead, Kara just walked through life like she was a treadmill, though she walked, her steps took her nowhere, and it felt so meaningless. Utterly empty. Her life felt empty. As empty as her heart felt without Lena in it.
The weight of the world didn’t feel as heavy as Kara’s current of emotion. Kara was a poignant mess of epic proportions. The flow of her depressed mood just kept overwhelming her with negativity, with doubt, with shame, just so many awful, self-deprecating feelings and thoughts. It was a flux, a constant outflow and Kara felt she deserved it, every bit of the outburst. Her mind and heart were a wasteland, the aftermath of the war inside of her over what she had done, after she’d hurt Lena. Kara knew that was why Lena wasn’t talking to her. She knew. Lena knew. There was no other reason it could be after all. Kara deserved this pain. She deserved to feel like this for the rest of her long, miserable life.
Kara clutched at her chest where it hurt at the thought, but she deserved it, right? For hurting Lena, she was no better than all of the other people who had betrayed Lena and she needed to feel like this. Kara punched her own chest, once, twice, and after however many times, it hurt to the point that she probably bruised herself, but she didn’t care. She stopped after she grew tired. Her heart hurt, everything hurt, but it was fine because she deserved to feel this pain. Kara closed her eyes.
I open my eyes and after coming to my senses
You’re not here
I rub my eyes and look around, but you’re not here
I close my eyes again and open them
But still
You’re not here
I thought I would be fine without you
But I keep looking back at our memories
Tears and memories spill out as if I’m vomiting
Everything is over, stop, for you and for me
Would Lena ever come back here again? It was a miserable existence without Lena to make everything better in Kara’s life. Even potstickers tasted better when they were from Lena. Now everything was bland and muted, like a world without color, sound, and everything was tasteless, a world in which she could only perceive things through touch alone. It made her life feel worse than dull. She’d prefer it if her life were just boring rather than this world of grief because she was grieving, grieving the end of the relationship she had with the person she loved more than anything in the world. The one person who had made her better. Kara would give anything to get it all back, to get Lena to come back and be with her again.
No one at work suspected a thing was wrong because Kara still left for her supposed hour-long lunch breaks, but just spent the time writing her articles above the clouds where no one could see her if she occasionally broke down crying where no telescopes or binoculars could even pick up any sight of her hidden in the fluffy clouds. Clouds weren’t as fluffy as people thought they were, instead they were just wet. When she came back from supposedly eating, no one would bat an eye at her, give her a second look to see her eyes were just a bit puffy, and she made sure that her eyes were no longer red-rimmed and that none of her makeup was running. Having glasses to hide behind had never been so convenient.
And then something else added to her stress. It had been a long time coming though. Kara was asked to go to interview Lena about some upcoming new technology reveal. Despite Kara’s assertions that someone else might be better suited, Snapper insisted she go since she was friends with Lena. Kara had almost broken down and just said that he forgot to add that she had been Lena’s friend and that it was no longer the case at the moment, might never be again. She almost said that they hadn’t even spoken directly for over three months now. But no, she held her tongue and requested an interview with Lena through Jess, thinking Lena would reject the interview outright and she could go wallow at home. Surprisingly, Lena had accepted, apparently, and the entire time had been stilted and restricted to work-related topics only. Kara hadn’t been surprised by that. And then as Kara was getting up to leave, feeling cold inside even though she had never experienced cold on earth before. Lena asked if she was feeling okay because she looked a little pale and thinner than Lena remembered.
With the fakest smile Kara had ever given anyone, she said she was fine. That smile wobbled and cracked like Kara’s heart. Kara wasn’t sure if Lena had meant to say it out loud, but Kara heard it, the single word that reminded her of happier times between them, “liar,” she’d said. But this time, it wasn’t under the same context as when she’d been grief baking two years ago. Kara pretended she hadn’t heard that more than likely slipup and told Lena goodbye. She left before Lena could say anything else and felt an unusual throbbing in her chest when she turned her back on Lena and practically flew out of the building with how quickly she was walking away, too fast to be human. Kara spared a single second to tell Jess to have a nice day over her shoulder before the door even slammed shut with her hasty exit. It was probably obvious she wasn’t really human with how quickly she had moved to the elevator but, again, why did Kara care if either of these people knew her secret now? Lena obviously knew and Jess had probably suspected for some time because of how many times Kara had done something slightly less than human.
All of these thoughts just reminded Kara that she’d had so many chances, so many opportunities and yet, she hadn’t. She just hadn’t said anything then, so now look at her and how she was suffering because she had waited and waited until it was far too late. Kara couldn’t even blame Lex at this point. It was her fault. All her Raodamn fault.
You kindly come to me and shake me again
Oh no, oh no
Stop holding onto my heart
Only looking at you and crying for you seems so foolish
Oh no, oh no
This is not love
Only Alex knew the reason why Kara was so desolate and despondent. James and Winn had obviously noticed the less than chipper Kryptonian but neither knew why Kara was the way she was, and she didn’t have the strength to say the words out loud, that the relationship that had fulfilled her for years had come to a horrible end. No, saying something like that out loud would only make it real. Doing something that outwardly acknowledged it made it reality instead of something she could pretend was make believe. A nightmare only she was awake. The opposite of Black Mercy was Red Mercy. Perhaps that would have been a lovely explanation for this. But no, it wasn’t the Red Mercy, it was Kara’s actions, or lack thereof. She knew it was her own fault she was experiencing this nightmare. If Kara could live in the world of the Black Mercy and die right now … she would. She’d take it over this pain. Anything was better than this, but she had to remind herself that she deserved to suffer, to hurt.
Lately, Kara’s thoughts had been going back and forth over different ways she might die, whether it would be from heartbreak, a villain, or maybe, a niggling thought that had been creeping up more and more often, she could just kill herself. The thought often passed as quickly as it came, but sometimes it lingered in the hurt part of her mind. Kara smiled at the thought of a criminal shooting her with a Kryptonite bullet. It almost seemed peaceful, dying in a way felt good, like a goal she had accomplished. Yeah, death seemed relaxing. Better than the nightmare she was currently living.
Love, I pretend that I’m fine
That I don’t love you even though I do
I can’t do it
Crying, crying
Love, I try to take it all back
But you’re already gone
I’m endlessly
Crying, crying
Kara Danvers, synonymous with sunshine in Kryptonian form to those who knew her true identity, was now more like the blackest night, no moon to reflect the light of the sun at night on earth’s surface. No more. Even though Kara hadn’t confirmed Lena’s reasons for becoming so distant, she had overheard it by accident one day when she had gone to talk to Lena after the first week of suffering near radio silence. “Never again will I trust you, Kara Danvers. I’ll never let you in again.” That had been the catalyst for Kara to begin to reach out to her almost frantically only to be pushed away even more than before, as if Lena knew what Kara was trying to do and she wanted nothing to do with her anymore. Perhaps there was more truth to that than Kara realized. Every call unanswered, every text message ignored, every attempt at a visit rejected, and the biggest surprise was that Lena hadn’t banned Kara from the office. Maybe that was just to keep things professional.
The reason didn’t matter to Kara much anymore. All that mattered was that she was the cause of Lena’s behavior, Lena’s heartbreak. Kara had hurt Lena and, in the process, she’d broken her own heart, so she deserved Lena pulling away so swiftly, so darn easily. Nothing Kara did now could change how her decisions had caused this to happen, had caused Lena to pull away from her, seemingly to never come back again. Kara was her own worst enemy. She was the villain.
No, I’m not the me that I used to know
I know this is just a part of life
But every time I breathe
I hate you
What was life anyways? A collection of memories with those you come to care about as they fill your life with meaning? What was life when that meaning was taken away like it meant nothing at all to the other person then? Did life have any true meaning without someone to share it with? Life without Lena was meaningless to Kara now that she would never have her love again. It didn’t matter if they stayed friends forever. None of it mattered.
Kara was sitting in her apartment, drinking Alderaan Rum, having decided that she might as well get drunk in her apartment by herself when she felt her face crumble with pain and threw the glass so hard that it made a hole in her wall and then shattered in a shower of broken glass. And if this wasn't a metaphor then Kara didn't know what was. Even that wasn’t enough to make Kara feel even an ounce of regret, though she lamented at the mess she needed to clean up now thanks to her own stupidity. Dumb Kara Danvers strikes again, huh? Kara sighed as she found something to cover the hole on both sides, moved some furniture around so it wasn’t so obvious that it was there. Heh, Kara wasn’t going to get her deposit back if the landlord found out. But what did Kara care if she was dead hopefully soon, right?
I can’t sleep all night and I try to comfort myself
Saying it’s alright
But I can’t help it, I can’t take it back
I only have regrets that are too late
Deep bags were accruing under Kara’s eyes as she tossed and turned every night. She couldn’t sleep, couldn’t eat, couldn’t smile genuinely. Was this what it meant to be sick? She had never experienced a human illness in nearly two decades. The closest she’d gotten to feeling sick was when Kryptonite was involved, but that was more of a poison than legitimate illness. Kara wouldn’t even care if someone had some Kryptonite and stabbed her clean through the chest with it right now. It would have been a relief from this bland life. No, it wasn’t even bland, it was just pointless now. What was her life without Lena? Everything Alex had done brought no comfort to the devastated person Kara had become.
I don’t mind so don’t cry
Love, you were different, you changed me
Now I think I know everything
No matter how much I push and shove you away
Only looking at you and crying for you seems so foolish
Everything about life had become heightened with Lena as a bright spot in her life and so the high ended with Lena leaving her. It was a worse crash than a drug addict after they lost their high and needed more drugs to fulfill them again. Her first high was meeting Lena, her addiction was not being able to go a day without seeing her, and her crash left her in her lonely misery. Kara wasn’t sure when Alex was going to stop trying. She might never stop. But Kara couldn’t even feel it. Nothing was the same without Lena. Love had given her life more meaning than she knew was possible. So, life without Lena was pointless. Life had no meaning without her in it.
It was with a slightly startled expression that Kara finally connected the dots, finally figured it out, but this was what humans called withdrawal. Kara was going through withdrawal because the reason for her happiness, her dopamine receptors, was gone. This kind of withdrawal, would it kill her? Kara didn’t know the answer, but she hoped it did. Death would be kind, a mercy on her accursed soul.
Love, you were different, you changed me
Now I think I know everything
No matter how much I push and shove you away
You are my everything that can’t leave me
I wanna go back
I couldn’t love anyone … but you
Anyone who knew Kara well would be able to see how much love had changed her. She had been content with life before, she was so happy and so bright. And then Lena came into her life looking like an angel on this earth. Everything became so much more with her there. And she felt true happiness then. She experienced euphoria and became exuberant. If anyone thought she had been a ray of sunshine before, it was nothing compared to her after Lena showed up and made Kara feel more than she thought was even possible.
When she had dated Mon-El, it was with the thought that Lena didn’t see her that way, hadn’t shown any outward interest in her outside of their friendship and closeness. But she was still in her life and her rock, her gravity, her center, her everything. Every day without her was another day less than worth living for. How could Kara survive this long without that light in her life? Kara was surprised she hadn’t died yet from this heartbreak. How could Kara not feel like her world had ended long ago? Well, for a second time rather. The destruction of her home planet had been the first trauma Kara had experienced that really changed her world, literally, and forced her to travel across hundreds of millions of light years just to come to another planet, just to get to earth and find refuge. It had taken time. A lot of time for Kara to not only adjust to a completely different planet, atmosphere, culture, and world, but also the fact that her home was gone. Had blown to bits. Kara was extremely traumatized by it. But losing Lena though? It somehow felt worse. Maybe Kara was just being dramatic, but losing Lena really felt so much worse. It was like losing her heart. Kara felt like there was a hole in her chest where her heart should be and also parts of her brain containing memories of Lena felt blackened and deadened by Lena’s indifference. When had Kara’s life taken this wrong turn?
Every single day was dark and just as miserable as the last no matter how hard Alex tried to help her through. Nothing would ever be okay again. Not without her angel next to her and making her see light in everything. Alex had tried to joke that she thought she was the pessimist between them. Kara didn’t even smile. Never really smiled anymore these days but this time something in Alex just throbbed painfully at how blank Kara had become, how numb she seemed to be nowadays. The way Kara didn’t react was just so unlike her, but to make things worse she just didn’t seem to have it in her to feel anything either. Instead, she just looked on blankly before saying “funny,” like she meant anything but that word. This wasn’t okay at all and Alex was never going to stop. She was never going to give up on her sister, but she was beyond frustrated and worried about this version of Kara dropping dead.
In a bid to figure out what exactly caused them to fall apart, Alex had gone to see Lena only to see that she didn’t seem to be doing much better than Kara was. Every question was answered with a non-answer, adding to Alex’s worry and utter frustration. She was at her wit’s end. Looking back on it, Alex realized that Lena must know the truth because she had been so cold. Honestly, Lena could have been worse. Probably knew that it wasn’t Alex’s place to tell her someone else’s secret, even if it was her sister’s secret. Lena hadn’t been cruel, just curt and evasive. That was so like her though, locking her feelings away in fucking little boxes.
Was there anything Alex could do to fix her sister’s broken life? Her broken heart wasn’t going to mend without Lena’s intervention. Lena was just as heartbroken and Alex didn’t know if she could do anything about that.
X
Kara’s powers blew out because these fucking Cadmus agents decided that having every alien weapon possible would have some desired effect on her eventually. There was some merit to that because it increased their chances of finding something that would work on her eventually. And it did work in sapping her of her strength and speed. She could still fly, somehow, and she used the last of her powers to get away when she was shot. Pain she had never felt before caused her to fall right out of the sky and, in a twist of fucking fate, right onto Lena’s balcony. She caused a loud thud as gravity pulled her down to earth. Kara must have passed out because the next moment she felt herself being dragged somewhere and she didn’t resist, wondering if those people were trying to finish her, kill her.
“Rao, in your light I was created and, in your light, I will go from this planet I was not born on ,” Kara said, sounding weak, in Kryptonese. Kara’s lips were full of blood, tasted like the iron tang of blood but also something more too. A line trailed from Kara’s lips all the way down to her throat as she nearly choked on her blood, an awful gurgling noise following her nearly breathless attempt at praying to Blessed Rao.
“Don’t you dare die Kara Danvers.” Lena sounded stern, the way she would talk to Kara to carry her point across when Kara was demeaning herself and Lena wouldn’t stand for it, wouldn’t let Kara continue to spiral in her swirling thoughts. Oh, how things had changed greatly. If only Kara could go back and change one thing, if only she could do one thing to take it all back, to avoid this ending. But it was too little too late for her apologies, though she might spend whatever was left of her life telling Lena how sorry she was. Not that Lena seemed to want to hear it or acknowledge it. Kara didn’t know how much life she had left, but if it was just a few more minutes, at least Kara was with Lena for the last few moments of her life.
“Let me go,” Kara’s voice was barely perceptible, soft as it was. Her voice lacked strength to carry much more than the few inches between them.
“Kara Danvers. Don’t you dare give up your life like this, do you hear me, Kara? Kara! Fuck!”
She must have blacked out again because the next moment she was somewhere that felt like a strong ray of sunlight, but she couldn’t bring herself to open her eyes. If this was the afterlife … she was ready for her death. Rao was waiting for her to come back to him. Her father, Aunt Astra, Uncle Non … her lost Kryptonian family … they were waiting for her to come back. Even though she was still angry with Non, the afterlife was for forgiveness of all sins while you were still alive, right? For Kara, maybe the afterlife was the only place she would ever forgive herself for the sins of her life. Kara felt almost light in that moment, in her acceptance of everything she’d done wrong to Lena while she was still alive. Then and only then could she forgive herself. Death was for forgiveness. Only then would she forgive herself, she vowed.
“Wake the fuck up!” Was that Alex’s voice? She sounded so far away, a barely audible, distant voice. Another voice said something that Kara couldn’t even tell was words with her hearing going out. That didn’t matter though. Alex sounded really panicked. Just how did Kara hear Alex’s voice though? Did Alex die too? Her heartbeat started going crazy and she felt herself slipping out of consciousness again when a warm hand touched her neck, pressing into her pulse and it warmed Kara, soothed her distraught, dying soul. Maybe it was Lena, but that was wishful thinking on Kara’s part. Why would Lena care?
X
Alex was pacing back and forth where Kara was laying, still a bloody mess from the gunshot wound that had punctured through her stomach and cracked several ribs. Everything was a fucking mess and Lena was working through different treatments to make sure Kara didn’t die. Dr. Hamilton had removed the bullet and Alex had been sick when the woman had done it to an essentially human Kara. She held back the bile, powered through what needed to be done to save her sister’s life as Lena did the same. Alex had been surprised by Lena’s urgent phone call but less so when she realized that Lena had an injured Kara with her somehow. None of the details mattered as long as Kara didn’t fucking die.
When had things become so fucked up? Alex continued pacing as she looked for things that might help her nearly dead sister.
Please give this amazing, angsty song a listen because their vocals are amazing and sets the tone for the entire chapter so freaking well click here .