Chapter Text
(If you are reading this on any PAY site this is a STOLEN WORK, the author has NOT Given Permission for it to be here. If you're paying to read it, you're being cheated too because you can read it on Archiveofourown for FREE.)
"So, this is the secret weapon the Army's been testing, the one that went out of control due to operator error?" Tony flew a swift circle around the huge, green creature which was currently smashing a train. Fortunately it was a freight train, carrying mixed consumer goods rather than passengers. The Avengers had got the crew safely out before the Hulk grabbed it to use pieces of train and cargo as missiles to keep them at bay. "Gotta say, it doesn't look like a machine to me. I'm not really keen on neutralizing people. You can't hit the restart button on 'em."
"I know," Steve replied grimly over the comms. He couldn't get close to the Hulk, but kept trying to distract him with his shield, to allow Hawkeye's explosive arrows a chance to hit in a vulnerable spot. "They've lied to us and got SHIELD to do their dirty work, but at this point we don't have much choice. He knocked Thor out, and none of the rest of us can possibly contain him. We're running out of desert. If he gets to a populated area we'll have to take him down fast, any way we can."
Below Tony, the Hulk stopped in mid-rage, shuddered all over and screamed while ripping at his own chest. Green blood streamed down for a few seconds before the wounds healed. The Hulk flung a Maytag washer at Tony, but Tony was distracted by energy readings and he barely dodged in time. "What the...damn, he's locked into a shock harness." Tony could just barely see the dull green metal bands, sunk into the Hulk's flesh like an outgrown collar. "No wonder the poor bastard's crazy. You know, I bet if I could get that off, we could talk to him."
"Iron Man, No!" Steve shouted.
"C'mon, this'll be fun." Tony landed well in front of the Hulk. "Hey, big guy!" And then had to dodge a Dodge. "Woah, good aim. Listen, from the readings I'm guessing you've got about fifteen minutes before you hit your invisible fence again. How about..." And then he had to duck as a crate flew where his head had been a moment ago. "That was close." The good thing about Tony's plan was that he now had the Hulk's undivided attention. That was also the bad part.
"You know, if you'd just let me look at it..." The matching Maytag drier came at him. "You're voiding a lot of warranties here, big guy!" Tony jetted back, not too fast, luring the Hulk back out into the desert.
"Tony, quit fooling around!" Steve shouted. "You've got a shot, take it!"
"Just because you don't know how to dance..." A large, unidentifiable piece of machinery nearly got Tony's left foot. "That's just plain rude, I was talking to you." Tony got close enough to see the Hulk's face, and what he'd taken for rage was more clearly fear. How long had he been locked into that torture device? Tony remembered a cave, a water barrel and a car battery... but at least he'd had options- he could surrender, he could die. It didn't seem that the Hulk had any way out. "I'm going to get you out of that. I promise!" He might still have to kill the Hulk, but at least he could die free of that thing. And he could make sure no one else was hurt. "Come on, follow the leader!" He buzzed once around the Hulk, then yelped as a big, green hand caught his ankle and pulled him to the ground.
The Hulk stood over him and roared, one hand raised to pound Iron Man into the ground. Tony froze with his hands raised, and shoulder missiles bristling at readiness. At this distance he couldn't miss. But that would end any chance of peace between them. "Don't," Tony said, as the Hulk still didn't move. He raised his helmet's faceplate. "Please, don't make me kill you. Don't let those bastards win. I can help you."
The Hulk roared again, the wind blowing Tony's hair into his eyes.
And then he released Tony, turning to smash one of the many tumbled crates before leaping away. At least he was heading for the desert.
Tony sat up and wiggled his foot, checking that it still worked. The other Avengers came running up to him. "Are you out of your mind!" Steve shouted. Natasha and Clint were silent, but their expressions showed that they agreed with him.
"Nah." Tony's gaze lit on the contents of the crate the Hulk had just smashed. "Oh. I've just had an idea."
***
Setting up the delivery system took a few minutes, but it was well worth it. A few minutes later Tony caught up with the Hulk striding along the desert, growling and smacking rocks and cactus. "Here you go," Tony said as he triggered the release directly overhead and a shower of small objects bounced off the Hulk's head.
Snarling, the Hulk batted at the missiles, and picked up a handful to throw back. They squished in his fingers. He looked very confused, and then sniffed his hand, and licked at the mess before sitting down to gather the rest of them.
Tony winced as the Hulk ate the Twinkies packaging and all. "Used to MRE's, huh?" He landed a short distance in front of the Hulk who growled around a mouthful of artificial cream. "There's more where that came from... well... some more. If you really like them, I could buy the recipe, set up a factory, put your face on the label... people like celebrity endorsements..." Tony kept talking and moving a little closer to the Hulk who kept growling and eating. He got almost within reaching distance when the shock harness went off again.
Tony sighed as the Hulk took off. "Sorry about the littering," he said as he followed, his boot jets sending Twinkies flying.
***
"No, I'm not ignoring our orders, Captain," Tony said during the third Twinkie bombing. The Hulk was beginning to look forward to them, and hardly growled at all when Tony flew over him. "We were to contain and neutralize the threat, ensure the domestic safety, etc. etc. I'm working on it."
"Iron Man, don't risk yourself. If the Hulk puts you out of action..."
"Yeah, yeah, I know, 'Help me, Obi Wan Kenobi, you're our only hope'... gotta go, zap interval coming up." Tony did cut Steve's protest, but he left his com set to transmit. If he failed, they'd need all the heads' up time they could get. He landed and took his helmet off completely this time. For once the Hulk hadn't run off after being electrocuted, but just lay on the ground, making a noise like... well... whimpering, really. Tony moved closer. "I really want to help you," he said softly. "I've been running scans on the monkey on your back, and I can get it off." The big green face turned to him, and then... cringed away from Tony's outstretched hand. "Oh, the armor. Scares you, right? Yeah, I bet they armored up before they touched you. And hurt you." Tony made a decision, which would either be brilliant, or the last stupid thing he'd ever done. "I'm going to take it off. Please, please, remember, I'm a squishy Twinkie of a human under all this. If you swat me, that will be the end of what might have been a beautiful friendship." Tony activated the emergency release, and let the armor fall to the ground. The Hulk tensed, muscles bulging, but didn't move. "That's fine, you're doing great big guy." Tony counted off the time until the harness would activate again. "I have to work fast." He got his tool kit from the armor. "The release is on your back. Do you understand? I have to get at it." The Hulk narrowed his eyes. Tony was all out of Twinkies. He pulled his emergency rations from his pocket. A bit squished, but still, Dove chocolate bars are always good. He peeled the paper away and held it out. "This is good. You're good. We're fine."
The Hulk sniffed and took the chocolate bar with a delicacy Tony hadn't thought him capable. He put it in his mouth and... smiled. Actually smiled. Then he tilted his head and lay down on his belly, watching Tony.
"Great!" Tony had to actually climb onto the Hulk's back to reach the release. It was like a lumpy, green waterbed. The release was buried under skin and muscle so Tony couldn't directly access it without cutting into the Hulk. That would have been a REALLY BAD idea, but fortunately, electronic signals could conduct through. And let's see, a bit of experimentation to find the exact ... "Yeah," Tony said as he saw motion under the skin, a tiny gap between the two ridges of the harness. "WHOOPS!" he yelled as the Hulk stood up, roaring, to dump him in the sand, and rip the harness from his body, and then stomp it into tiny, tiny, green blood-covered bits.
Tony lay there stunned, looking up at the Hulk. The Hulk stared at him for a long moment. Then he reached down and picked Tony up. He sniffed Tony.
"Not going to eat me, are you? I mean, you've already had dessert, nobody has the main course after dessert," Tony babbled and tried not to squirm.
Suddenly the Hulk grinned and licked Tony from chin to forehead in one warm, wet swipe.
"Yuck. Twinkie breath." Abruptly the Hulk dropped him. Tony hit the same patch of sand again. "Ow." He sat up. "Could you stop doin...ok, that's new. Huh." He watched as the Hulk shrank down to a bewildered, rumpled man. "Hey?"
The man blinked and looked at Tony. He wrapped his arms around himself but didn't say anything.
"Ok. This is weird. But it's a good weird." Tony smiled and held out his hand. "Tony Stark, pleased to meet you..."
The man blinked again, and then slowly reached out to Tony, trembling. "I... I'm... I was... Bruce... yes... Bruce Banner. That's right, isn't it?"
Tony clasped Bruce's hand firmly. "Oh, yeah, I remember you. You did some breakthrough work in gamma. Haven't heard from you in years."
Bruce winced. "I... haven't heard from me... in years. General Ross... he owns me."
Tony showed his teeth. "Like fuck he does." He patted Bruce on the back. "Lemme introduce you to the guys, and then we'll all go out and get pizza. You could go for pizza, right?"
Bruce shook his head. "You don't understand. Ross wants the Hulk, and he's... he's broken both of us. I'm not safe to be around, and the Hulk... you saw him. He's... conditioned. They just...they can trigger the metamorphosis at any time, and then you know what you've got?"
"Yeah, the Hulk. Big guy, nice jungle camo he's got going, has a sweet tooth." Tony smiled. "He'll fit in with my decor, don't worry about it. You wanna know the truth, Bruce? Of the two of us, I'm the more dangerous one. The Hulk... he's just an overgrown puppy."
"Puppy." Bruce stared at Tony. "You're crazy. You know that?"
"It's been said." Tony stood up and held out his hand. "Come with me? I'll take care of you and the big guy."
Bruce stood up and looked around at the desert, strewn with Twinkie packaging. Then he shrugged and took Tony's hand. "Um, Tony, about that pizza. I just realized. I'm naked."
"Don't worry about it." Tony picked up his helmet and switched the comms to full send and receive. "No shirt, no shoes, no service doesn't apply to Tony Stark. Hey, guys, can you send a pickup chopper? I've got sand in the suit and it'd make me itch to put it back on."
"TONY!" Steve's shout came through loudly. "DAMN IT, TONY!"
Tony shrugged and told Bruce, "Don't mind Steve, they all love me, really."
Bruce's smile spread slowly, like a sunrise. "Yeah. I bet they do."