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From the moment she first saw her, Caitlyn knew she would hate Vi.

They meet at a party that Mel drags her to – some friend’s friend of her brother who apparently knows everyone within a 20-mile radius based on how crowded the small house is when they arrive. They’re not on campus, and Caitlyn doesn’t think the host is a law student, but she still sees half of her class getting wasted and grinding together from her place by the drinks table.

It’s not necessarily a scene she would have chosen herself. She’s a week into her first year of law school and can already feel permanent bags forming under her eyes.

Mel ditches her almost as soon as they walk through the door, of course. The second she locks eyes with Jayce Talis, she squeezes Caitlyn’s arm with a vague excuse and disappears, leaving Caitlyn to fend for herself. Two drinks, three aborted conversations, and one headache later, Caitlyn is wondering if she can get away with leaving the party without finding Mel first when she feels it.

The eyes on her.

It’s like a sixth sense, the way Caitlyn is able to know exactly where to look. Her eyes sift through the dancing crowd until they land on a pair of icy blue eyes watching her from across the room.

It’s a moment that Caitlyn knows will live forever in her memory.

The girl staring at her doesn’t seem to be with anyone in particular, lingering along the outskirts of the room much like Caitlyn herself. She has a beer clutched loosely in one hand and a cigarette between two fingers of the other.

When Caitlyn meets her steely gaze, the girl doesn’t look away. Just keeps staring. A chill zips down Caitlyn’s spine and she narrows her eyes in warning.

The stranger smiles. A sharp little thing.

Caitlyn wrenches her eyes away and turns to pour herself another drink. She carefully counts to sixty in her head before glancing back over her shoulder.

She’s still watching her.

Caitlyn’s jaw clenches.

A guy she vaguely recognizes from one of her classes comes up to her, and Caitlyn doesn’t escape the conversation as eagerly as the others she’s had tonight. She listens as he rambles on about one of the cases they’re studying, then books he’s read, then ramen places nearby that hey you wouldn’t want to try one next week, would you, all the while pretending like her palms aren’t starting to sweat, like she can’t feel eyes boring holes into the side of her face.

When she sneaks a glance back across the room, the girl is gone.

Caitlyn smiles at the guy still talking about ramen dishes. “I’m a lesbian,” she tells him.

He visibly deflates. “Could have led with that,” he scoffs, stalking away.

Caitlyn rolls her eyes and takes another sip of her drink. She feels rather than sees someone else approach her, and her heartbeat kicks up a notch.

“I don’t want to dance with you,” Caitlyn mumbles, looking down into her cup.

The stranger from across the room grins teasingly. “What was that?”

Caitlyn huffs a breath and turns more fully towards the intruder. “I said I don’t want to dance with you,” she repeats, louder and clearer.

The girl tilts her head, smirk sliding into something even more cocky. “How convenient,” she drawls, reaching out and slipping the drink from Caitlyn’s hand. “I don’t wanna dance with you, either.” She takes a long pull from Caitlyn's drink, deliberately putting her mouth against the marks left from Caitlyn’s lipstick, never once breaking eye contact.

Caitlyn mouth twists together in irritation. The girl keeps that same insufferably smug expression on her face and Caitlyn thinks about slapping her.

“I suppose telling you I’m a lesbian won’t work on you?” Caitlyn tries.

The girl smiles wider, teeth flashing. “Oh, it’ll definitely work.”

*

Caitlyn’s back slams against the door before it’s even shut, a tongue already shoving its way into her mouth. Its owner tastes like beer and cigarettes and Caitlyn gags at the flavor, pushes her own tongue further into the other mouth to taste it some more.

A hand slides up her body to squeeze at her breasts and Caitlyn wrenches away from the kiss, chest heaving with her breaths. The harsh fluorescents of the bathroom are much brighter than the dim lighting of the living room, and Caitlyn spares a second to take in the features of the stranger before her: a light splash of freckles across a slightly crooked nose, small scars on an upper lip and eyebrow, a tattoo under one eye.

Caitlyn’s stomach swoops and the girl moves to latch her teeth onto Caitlyn’s neck. Her other hand joins the first, both hands palming roughly at Caitlyn’s chest while Cailyn struggles to take in gulps of air.

“What’s your name?” she pants.

The girl chuckles lowly. “Does it matter?” she asks, nipping at Caitlyn’s pulse point. Her hands give an extra hard squeeze that forces Caitlyn up onto her toes.

“Fuck,” she gasps. Her own hands scramble to find purchase on the stranger’s body, landing in obnoxiously bright red hair. “Just tell me.”

The girl hums. “Wanna moan my name, huh pretty girl?” Caitlyn’s responding scoff is turned into a moan by sharp teeth pulling at her ear, a low voice murmuring into it. “It’s Vi.”

An image flashes through Caitlyn’s head and she rolls her eyes hard, groaning in annoyance. “You have your name tattooed on your face? God, that’s revolting.”

Vi doesn’t seem to mind the insult, moving up to bite at Caitlyn’s lip. “I think you like it,” she says, pulling back just enough to meet Caitlyn’s eyes. Her lips are swollen and shiny with spit, her pupils blown wide.

Arousal pools low in Caitlyn’s stomach. “I hate it,” she huffs, doing her best to glare despite how utterly debauched she must look.

Vi laughs, amused. “No, you don’t.” Her hands move again, one sliding low to slip under Caitlyn’s shirt, fingers toying with the button of her pants, while the other comes up to hold under Caitlyn’s chin, keeping her still as she brings their faces close together. “You like it,” she says, slowly this time, and Caitlyn feels like she’s making fun of her.

Normally Caitlyn doesn’t like to be teased, doesn’t like being talked down to. She’s dealt with enough of that in her life to not put up with it anymore.

Except, Vi is so close and she smells like cigarette smoke and sweat and Caitlyn is frozen, more turned on than she’s ever felt in her fucking life.

“Say it,” Vi whispers. Her lips brush against Caitlyn’s as she speaks. Caitlyn’s eyes droop and she pushes forward to close the gap, but Vi’s fingers tighten on her chin, holding her in place. Vi smiles. “You wanted it so bad. Say my name, baby.”

And Caitlyn hates her. She really, truly detests this woman. Her arrogance, her scent, the way she knows exactly which of Caitlyn’s buttons to push.

But God does Caitlyn like that.

“Vi,” falls from her lips in a sigh. Vi meets the sound of her name with a groan and then they’re pressing together again, even closer than before.

It’s hot and sloppy and when Vi eventually rips her mouth away to take in labored breaths there’s a strand of spit that lingers between their lips. Caitlyn’s hands grab at Vi’s hair, her face, her shoulders, feeling hard muscles and slick skin. Her nails leave red marks against the tattoos on Vi’s neck that makes her hiss and smile, and suddenly a hand is being shoved into Caitlyn’s pants, pushing past her underwear, sliding against heat-

“Hey, there’s a line out here! Go fuck somewhere else!”

The person outside the bathroom bangs on the door a few times to get their point across, and Vi and Caitlyn flinch apart. The back of Caitlyn head hits the door behind her and she swears, blinking away the haze of arousal that’s consumed her. Vi’s chest is heaving with her breathing, pupils still blown wide as she stares at Caitlyn. She looks more annoyed than embarrassed, and Caitlyn honestly can’t blame her.

After two more deep breaths, Vi seems to come to a decision. “I’m taking you home,” she says, pulling her hand out of Caitlyn’s pants. The withdrawal makes Caitlyn twitch, and it takes her a few seconds to process Vi’s words.

“Assuming much?” Caitlyn asks, the sarcasm lost with how breathless she is.

Vi rolls her eyes. “You’re getting fucked tonight, cupcake. And it’s either at my place or in the front yard,” she says, wiping her hand off on her jeans. She fixes Caitlyn with a hard stare before leaving the bathroom, not bothering to look back.

Caitlyn glares after her for only a second before following.

*

She does her best to take in the details of that first night.

Vi’s apartment is small and tidy. The kitchen counter is cluttered, and a stack of papers falls to the floor when Caitlyn shoves Vi up against it, sucking a dark spot into her neck.

Vi’s shirt is damp with sweat as Caitlyn peels it off her body, hands shaking with her need to touch hot skin. Vi’s mattress is harder than her own, the feel of it unrelenting as Caitlyn is pressed into it, Vi’s hot mouth pressing against everywhere Caitlyn needs.

Caitlyn knows that she memorizes Vi’s skin without even trying to, knows that she’ll have to fight hard to forget it. She’s so different from what Caitlyn is used to, all hard ridges and thick limbs and tensed muscle. Her skin is bumpy with scars that Caitlyn traces with her tongue, her fingers, Vi’s voice rising into the rafters as Caitlyn gives her what she needs, too.

Afterwards, when their bodies are overheated and their eyes are heavy, Vi steals Caitlyn’s phone. She takes a ridiculous selfie that is borderline indecent and sets it as a profile picture, then adds her number to Caitlyn’s contacts. She tells Caitlyn to text her and doesn’t wait for her response before passing out, arms splayed out on the bed beside her.

Caitlyn watches her sleep, listens to the sound of her breathing, and feels something in her chest twinge.

She puts her clothes back on, calls an Uber, and is gone before Vi can wake back up.

* * *

It’s three days before she sees Vi again.

Caitlyn takes the weekend to recuperate; catch up with her studies, sleep off a small hangover, rehydrate, do her best to write off her one-night stand as a lapse of judgement.

She stares at the half naked contact picture that Vi took of herself and pretends like she doesn’t want to call her.

By Monday, Caitlyn feels more or less human again. She slumps into her seat next to Mel just in time for their 9 AM lecture to start.

“Rough morning?” Mel asks, sounding unfairly awake for a Monday morning.

Caitlyn rolls her eyes as the professor starts on the lesson and pulls out her laptop. She navigates to the notes she took last class and is reaching for her textbook when she feels eyes on her.

Mel has a coy smile on her face when Caitlyn looks at her again. When Caitlyn raises an eyebrow questioningly, she shifts a hand to tap two fingers lightly against the side of her neck and raises an eyebrow of her own.

Heat flushes through Caitlyn’s cheeks and she pulls a hand through her hair to cover the still-lingering bruise that she hadn’t had time to cover up this morning. Mel looks amused and Caitlyn subtly flips her off before ignoring her completely, ducking her head down and doing her best to pay attention to the lecture.

*

It’s later that day as she’s walking out of her evening class with Jayce that Caitlyn sees her.

Vi is waiting at the bottom of the stairs of the law building, leaning casually against the handrail as if she does this every day. She’s wearing a leather jacket and hoodie combo that is really probably too warm for the early September evening, but makes Caitlyn’s mouth dry up all the same.

Caitlyn’s steps falter the second she sees her, words dying in her throat. Vi spots her immediately, smiling and tilting her head as if Caitlyn were a particularly amusing puppy.

Jayce notices her pause and furrows his brow. “You okay?” he asks hesitantly, eyes shifting to find whatever distracted her.

“Fine,” Caitlyn says distantly. She couldn’t remember the conversation they’d been having if she tried.

Vi makes no moves to approach her, just keeps watching her with an expectant look on her face.

“Oookay,” Jayce says slowly. His eyes land on Vi and he looks uncertainly between the two of them.

Vi wiggles her eyebrows at him with a grin.

Mel walks through the doors behind them, finished with her own final class of the day. “Good, you’re both here,” she says, sweeping up beside them and smoothing a hand down Jayce’s back. “I’m starving. Are we going for dinner?”

“Yeah, yeah,” Caitlyn says, distracted, eyes still locked on Vi. She takes one step away from her friends and waves vaguely in their direction. “Let’s do it. Let me just…” she trails off, uncaring to finish the thought as she grips her laptop bag strap tightly and hurries down the steps.

Vi perks up at her approach. “Hey, cupcake,” she greets jovially.

“So, what, are you stalking me, now?” Caitlyn asks, keeping her voice low. Vi feigns hurt.

“Of course not,” she says, faux sincerity dripping off her words. She flips the next second, leaning in with the usual arrogance Caitlyn has come to expect from her. “Unless that’s something you’re into,” she adds with a wink.

Caitlyn scoffs. “What are you doing here, Vi? How did you know where to find me?”

“You didn’t text me,” Vi says simply. She slides her hands into her jacket pockets. “And it’s not like it’s hard to find law students here. All you first years pretty much run on the same schedule.”

Caitlyn pauses. “I never told you I was a law student,” she says quietly.

That makes Vi stiffen. Her eyes dart somewhere behind Caitlyn and she rolls a shoulder. “Wasn’t hard to guess,” she mumbles before composing herself, falling back to her typical demeanor. “Look, the point is, you didn’t text me. So I had to come all the way over here to take you to dinner.”

Caitlyn’s mouth twitches. “Dinner,” she repeats flatly. “How presumptuous. Did it ever occur to you that I didn’t text because I didn’t want to see you again?”

A smirk crosses Vi’s face. Before she can say anything, footsteps descend the stairs behind Caitlyn.

“Would your… friend like to join us tonight, Caitlyn?” Mel asks, curiosity coloring her tone. Caitlyn glances back and finds a knowing gleam in her eyes. Jayce is looking Vi up and down warily, his brow furrowed.

Vi opens her mouth to reply, but Caitlyn jumps in before she gets the chance. “She was just leaving, actually,” she says with a pointed look at Vi.

“We were just about to leave together,” Vi interjects smoothly. Caitlyn’s face morphs into a glare, and Vi holds her gaze, silently standing off against each other. After a few seconds, something in Vi’s expression shifts. The cockiness fades as her eyebrows raise slightly, eyes softening in something almost earnest, hopeful.

Caitlyn blinks in surprise.

Mel and Jayce’s eyes bounce between the two of them, unsure of what to say. Eventually Jayce clears his throat and moves as if to step between them. “Look, it sounds like Cait’s not really interested in-”

“We were just about to leave together,” Caitlyn interrupts, looking over at Jayce, who is visibly confused. Caitlyn gives both him and Mel a reassuring smile. “Vi’s offered to take me to dinner.”

She doesn’t look at Vi as she says it, knows she wouldn’t be able to stand either a smugly victorious smirk or an genuinely relieved smile.

Mel smiles. “How kind of her,” she muses. She gives Caitlyn a wink. “Don’t have too much fun; you do have class tomorrow.”

A hand slides around Caitlyn’s waist as Vi steps up next to her, heat radiating from the touch. “I’ll have her home by ten,” Vi promises charmingly, the picture of politeness. Caitlyn barely holds back a snort as Vi gives a little salute. “Scout’s honor.”

Mel hums in amusement before grabbing Jayce’s arm and guiding him away. Jayce gives one more worried glance towards Caitlyn and Vi before reluctantly following.

Caitlyn looks over at Vi, sees the self-satisfied grin on her face, and starts walking in the opposite direction. “Where are you taking me?”

Vi catches up quickly, jogging a bit with her shorter legs. “I dunno,” she says happily. Caitlyn goes to glare at her again, but then calloused fingers are tangling loosely with her own and pulling her in the direction of the parking lot, and Caitlyn decides there are probably worse ways she could spend her evening.

*

They end up walking along the pier eating corndogs and funnel cake. It’s not necessarily the most romantic date Caitlyn’s ever been on, but that isn’t surprising given the fact they’ve already seen each other naked.

Vi turns out to be a very good listener. She asks questions about Caitlyn: where she grew up, why she wants to become a lawyer, how she met Mel and Jayce, and listens to her answers with an intensity that makes Caitlyn feel so breathless she has to turn her head away.

Vi doesn’t talk about herself much, doesn’t let the conversation linger too long on her life, her childhood. She mentions that she works at a bar, that she’s planning on going to trade school to become a mechanic. When Caitlyn does manage to ask her questions, the answers are laced with sarcasm and quickly moved on from, focus shifting right back to Caitlyn.

Vi is surprisingly funny. Contrary to their one other night together, not every comment or joke she makes causes Caitlyn to roll her eyes or scoff in annoyance, even if a fair amount of them are made with the intention of flustering her or riling her up.

She lets Vi hold her hand. She lets Vi win her a stupid toy at one of the carnival booths and present it to her with excessive flourish. She lets Vi hug her from behind and rest her chin on Caitlyn’s shoulder as they watch the sunset. And she feels something click into place.

When Vi drives them back into the city, to a deserted parking lot in an area unfamiliar to Caitlyn, Caitlyn doesn’t hesitate to pull Vi into the back seat with her.

The feel of the plastic seat is uncomfortable when Vi presses Caitlyn into it, but comfort is the last thing on Caitlyn’s mind when their mouths meet. Vi kisses her slowly, far slower than anything they did the other night. She takes her time licking into Caitlyn’s mouth, tasting her, letting Caitlyn taste in return.

Caitlyn thinks she may not hate the taste of cigarettes as much as before.

The windows of the truck are completely fogged up by the time Vi slides her hand into Caitlyn’s pants, fucking her slowly. Some classic rock song is playing from the truck’s radio and Caitlyn’s moans mix with the sound of it, panting into Vi’s mouth until she comes with Vi’s name on her tongue.

They nearly fall asleep, lying there tangled in the cramped backseat of the truck. Vi’s head rests heavy on Caitlyn’s chest, and Caitlyn lazily run her fingers through sweaty red hair, legs scrunched up uncomfortably against the cab door. Caitlyn glances at the time – 10:45 – and sighs.

“Tell me something real.”

Vi’s breathing stutters from its heavy lull. “About what?”

“About you.”

Vi shifts around without actually moving anywhere. “Not much to know,” she mumbles. “Why me?”

The radio continues to play softly in the background. “Because I want to know you,” Caitlyn replies quietly. Her fingers play with Vi’s hair. “Because I think I need to know you.”

Vi harrumphs a little. She shifts again, this time pushing up onto her elbows to look down at Caitlyn with a quizzical expression. “Something real?” she asks.

Caitlyn smooths a piece of hair behind her ear. “Something real,” she confirms. “Something that no one else knows.”

Vi hums for a moment, eyes squinting in thought. “I’m afraid of spiders,” she says, completely serious. Caitlyn laughs and pokes her forehead.

“You are not,” she accuses.

Vi laughs as well and swats Caitlyn’s hand away. “It’s true,” she swears solemnly. “But my little sister hates them more, so I have to pretend to be brave and kill them for her.”

Caitlyn smiles. “Tell me something else,” she requests softly.

Vi rolls her eyes, but the resistance seems to have left her. “Fireworks make me nervous,” she says, settling more comfortably on top of Caitlyn. “Blood makes me nauseous. I’ve never shot a gun, but I feel like I’d be terrible at it.”

That makes Caitlyn laugh again, and Vi swoops down to kiss her once before pulling back, a thoughtful look in her eye. “I had kind of a rough childhood,” she admits quietly. “Kind of fucked me up, if I’m being honest. I get these… fits of anger, where I can’t really control myself sometimes. I’ll lash out without meaning to. But I don’t…”

She shakes her head a little, looking away from Caitlyn, at the seat beside her head instead. Catilyn reaches up a hand and cups Vi’s cheek, thumb rubbing against her cheekbone. Vi leans into the touch and closes her eyes, breathing deeply once before opening them again.

“I don’t want to hurt anyone,” Vi says earnestly. Her face is set, sure and determinedly fervent. “I’ve hurt people before and I don’t like it. That’s never what I want.”

After a few moments of tense silence, Caitlyn brings her other hand up to Vi’s other cheek. “Are you afraid of hurting me?” she asks.

“Yes,” Vi admits in a breathless rush, eyes snapping back to Caitlyn. “But I won’t. I promise, I would never.”

Catilyn looks into Vi’s eyes and sees something intensely sincere in them. Vi’s eyes belong to someone kind, someone with good intentions. Someone flawed but trying their best in this world.

She pulls Vi down to kiss her softly. “I believe you,” she whispers. “I believe you.”

* * *

The months pass in a blur of classes, exams, and Vi.

Caitlyn tries to put some boundaries between them at first, she really does. No staying over on nights she has a test in the morning. No hanging out when she was swamped with homework. No fucking when Caitlyn has a mock trial in one hour, Vi, really I’m going to be late. Catilyn was trying to earn her law degree, after all.

But between Vi’s persistence, adorable clinginess, and Caitlyn’s lack of restraint to begin with, those boundaries become nonexistent within weeks.

She practically moves in with Vi, all of her textbooks and electronics and favorite snacks gradually drifting over until Caitlyn can barely remember which key unlocks her own apartment. They clear out a few drawers in Vi’s dresser, make space in her closet, and Vi claims that her place felt empty before all of Caitlyn’s things were there, anyway.

There’s a permanent spot cleared on the counter where Caitlyn puts her bag, slumping down on a barstool to watch Vi cook dinner after a long day of classes. Vi is always ready to greet her with a smile and a kiss, which often leads to more kisses, which leads to them eating dinner far later than either of them intended.

Caitlyn honestly can’t get enough of Vi, and based on the way Vi practically jumps her the second she gets home every day, she knows the feeling of mutual. The sex is good. Good in a way Caitlyn can’t imagine ever getting tired of. Good in a way that makes early mornings preceded by late nights spent fucking until neither of them can move well worth the sleep deprivation.

They meet each other’s friends, attend dinners and game nights and birthday parties. Vi meets Caitlyn’s parents, and they don’t hate her as much as she expects them to. Caitlyn meets the man who raised Vi, along with her little sister and adopted brothers, who accept her as one of their own in a way that warms Caitlyn’s heart.

Vi likes when Caitlyn comes around to do her homework at the bar she works at, sending sly winks and salacious grins her way whenever she can. On her off nights they’ll go to different bars or clubs, where Vi will introduce her to other random people she knows, pulling Caitlyn into her lap to play poker only to abandon her cards halfway through in favor of sucking Caitlyn’s tongue into her mouth.

Vi’s friends are interesting. Far different from Caitlyn’s friends, who raise an eyebrow or find somewhere else to look when Vi lets her hands wander, or when Caitlyn leans in to nip at her ear piercings. In contrast, Vi’s friends seem to revel in their affection, whistling and teasing Vi for being whipped, which only makes Vi kiss Caitlyn deeper, grip her hips tighter.

And Caitlyn feels herself get swept up in the energy. Feels herself preen at being so obviously adored by Vi and lean more heavily into her touches. Because why shouldn’t she? Vi was… everything. The perfect partner, the perfect lover, the perfect woman. Her grin makes Caitlyn blush, and the way she wraps her arms protectively around Caitlyn in a crowd makes Caitlyn want to spend the rest of her life with her.

But, of course, she would never express those thoughts so openly.

She can’t help but tease Vi in front of her friends, telling all of them what a big softie she is and enjoying the way Vi’s cheeks heat up under the attention.  They’ll pick play fights sometimes, Caitlyn calling Vi out on her smoking habit and letting Vi retaliate with some salacious comment that makes Caitlyn roll her eyes.

Caitlyn pretends not to notice the way Jayce and Mel side eye each other when they do it around them.

Caitlyn buys Vi a Zippo for their one-year anniversary, which makes Vi laugh, and there’s something downright domestic about the whole thing. A year of making each other laugh, a year of making each other smile. A year of getting to know and supporting and caring for one another.

And really, Caitlyn didn’t plan on getting into a relationship during law school, especially not in the first year. She figured she would be too busy studying, too preoccupied with figuring out her career to even consider becoming involved with someone. She thought it would only make things harder.

But Vi… Caitlyn couldn’t regret dating Vi if she wanted to. She was unquestionably one of the most thoughtful people she knew; staying up late with Caitlyn while she studied, talking her through a meltdown when the stress of staying ahead of the rest of her class got to her, making her dinner and reminding her to eat while Caitlyn struggled through finals. She always seemed to know when Caitlyn needed a break, needed alone time, needed to get her mind off school, even when Caitlyn didn’t know herself.

Vi made being in love easy.

“You’re both deeply obsessed with one another, you know.”

Caitlyn smiles a little at that, swirling her drink around in its glass. She and Mel tried to get dinner at least once a week, just the two of them, but between school and each of their relationships, it had been a few weeks since they’d gotten together outside of class. Which meant Caitlyn had been giving Mel an update on how Vi was doing, boasting about how she was starting trade school next month.

“I guess that’s what happens when you find the right person,” Caitlyn says easily.

Mel levels her with a look.

“It’s concerning, darling,” she tells her flatly.

Caitlyn blinks in surprise and scans Mel’s face for any trace of humor.

She finds none.

“Well, I don’t think there’s anything wrong with liking the person you’re dating,” Caitlyn replies, brow furrowing.

“And I agree with that,” Mel says carefully. “But there’s a difference between like – and even love – and full-on, all-consuming obsession.”

Caitlyn blinks again. “I’m not sure I understand what you’re saying.”

Mel sighs. “Look, I’m not trying to judge your relationship. Heaven knows my relationship with Jayce is far from perfect. I just want to make sure you’re not becoming… codependent, or anything like that. Independence is still an important factor in any relationship.”

As she listens, Caitlyn’s phone buzzes in her lap. She glances down at it immediately, pulse jumping when she sees a series of texts from Vi.

Vi
miss you

thinking about you

need you.

“And your relationship with Vi just seems awfully intense,” Mel continues. “It’s like you two can’t spend more than two minutes without each other, which may be sweet if, again, it wasn’t so…” she trails off, noticing Caitlyn biting her lip and smiling down at her phone.

Vi
when are you coming home

want you in my bed cupcake

“Caitlyn?”

Caitlyn jerks her attention back to Mel, shutting off her screen. Mel is looking at her with a worried expression.

Mel reaches across the table and gingerly lays a hand on Caitlyn’s wrist. “Forgive me if this is overstepping, but is Vi… good to you? Is she treating you well?”

Caitlyn recoils. “Vi treats me perfectly well, I can promise you,” she manages, aghast.

“Because if she isn’t, if you need help, or anything,” Mel pushes, voice lowering and hand tightening on Caitlyn’s wrist.

Caitlyn pulls her hand from Mel’s touch with a hard jerk, scoffing. “There is nothing wrong with my relationship, okay?” she says, voice rising with irritation. “And there is nothing wrong with Vi. Just because Jayce isn’t all you thought he would be doesn’t mean there’s anything wrong with my love life.”

She turns to glare at the empty table next to theirs, skin buzzing and pulse pounding in her ears. After a moment, Mel sighs, pulling her hand back to her side of the table.

“You’re right,” Mel says, eyes downcast. “Jayce and I are having problems, and I’m projecting onto you. That’s not fair of me.”

There’s a tenseness to her voice that makes Caitlyn scrutinize her for a few more seconds before forcing herself to relax. “I’m sorry you and Jayce are having problems,” she offers, picking up her fork. The sentiment sounds empty even to her own ears. Her other hand slips down to her phone.

Caitlyn
I miss you too. Be home in 20.

* * *

Apparently, Vi knows a lot of people.

It seems like they’re always running into someone Vi knows, people that Caitlyn’s never been introduced to – at the movies, out at dinner, at the grocery store. Vi will see them and get this look on her face, one with serious eyes and mouth pressed into a firm line.

She’ll introduce them to Caitlyn as someone from work, or a friend of her father, or someone she knew from her childhood. She never gives a name, just flashes an apologetic smile at Caitlyn and excuses herself to talk quietly with the person out of earshot, leaving Caitlyn to stare at her menu or the shelves of food in front of her, trying not to eavesdrop, trying not to make sense of the scattered bits of conversation she hears. Trying not to decipher what the suddenly angry expression on Vi’s face might be about.

Caitlyn gets used to not asking questions when Vi returns to her, just accepts the kiss her girlfriend gives her with a small smile. They’ll go back to whatever they were doing as if they were never interrupted, and Caitlyn learns to ignore the distracted look in Vi’s eye afterwards.

It starts happening with increasing frequency the longer they date, until Caitlyn almost expects it when they’re out and about.

One time it’s a man that approaches them. He’s tall and skinny, with pale skin and heavy bags under his eyes. His greasy blonde hair is slicked back into a mullet, and he finds them as they’re walking downtown.

Vi’s steps falter when she sees him and Caitlyn clocks it immediately, glancing over to see a scowl on her face.

“Friend of yours?” Caitlyn asks, eyes bouncing between Vi and the blonde man, who is leaning casually against the opening to an alleyway.

He grins wolfishly at them and lights up a cigarette.

Vi’s hand tightens in Caitlyn’s. “Something like that,” she mutters, rolling a shoulder. She slips her hand from Caitlyn’s and spares her a strained smile. “Wait here for me?”

Caitlyn’s lips turn up in a practiced smile of her own. “Of course,” she says, looking at the man one more time before purposefully pulling out her phone to busy herself with.

The conversation is tense from the beginning, based on Vi’s body language. Her shoulders are stiff, bunched up to her ears, eyes glaring up at the man as he speaks. Her hands flex intermittently in her jacket pockets, and Caitlyn can tell they’re balled into fists.

Caitlyn watches them idly from across the sidewalk, leaning against a light post, eyes flicking between the interaction and whatever social media she has open. Their voices raise a little, and Caitlyn catches some of their conversation.

“No way.” This comes from Vi, who shakes her head sharply. “Not gonna happen.”

The man shrugs. “It’s not what I want,” he drawls, obviously uncaring about whatever it is Vi’s upset about. “This is just how things work.”

He says something else too quiet to hear, and Vi hisses something in return. They argue quietly back and forth for a minute, and Caitlyn lets her eyes drift back to her phone until sudden movement from Vi jerks them up again.

Vi shoves the man in the chest, pushing him a little further into the alley behind them. He stumbles to get his footing, eyes narrowing and hands fisting. “You can either be bitch about it, or you can just do what you’re told,” he snaps.

“Fuck you,” Vi spits back. She shoves him again, almost pushing him out of view. “Get the fuck out of here, and tell them they can fuck off, too.”

The man mutters one last thing, too low for Caitlyn to hear, before slinking into the alley. Vi watches him leave for a minute, body tense and hands still clenched into fists. Slowly, she relaxes, and Caitlyn sees her take a deep breath, forcing herself to calm down.

She turns to walk back to Caitlyn, and Caitlyn snaps her eyes back down to her phone.

Vi’s steady footsteps come to a stop in front of her. “Hey,” Vi greets, attempting casual. “Sorry about that.”

Caitlyn looks up at Vi, feigning surprise. “All settled?” she asks, pocketing her phone.

Vi nods. “All good,” she says lightly. Her lips twitch into a smile and she leans in for a kiss, which Caitlyn accepts with a hand held briefly to Vi’s cheek. When she pulls away, Vi reaches down to retake Caitlyn’s hand. “So I was thinking of pizza for dinner. That one deep dish place on main. How does that sound?”

They continue their walk down the street and Caitlyn pretends her hand isn’t shaking in Vi’s steady grip. Vi doesn’t mention it, either. “Sounds good to me.”

* * *

Vi starts staying out later at night. It’s not a big deal at first; she worked at bar, Caitlyn had grown accustomed to her climbing into bed long after Caitlyn had fallen asleep. But those nights were infrequent and Vi had always checked in with her to let her know that she’d home late.

Vi starts staying out later at night and Caitlyn has no idea where she is while she’s out. The first time, she claims a work emergency. Then it’s a last-minute study night for her mechanic classes (which Caitlyn isn’t even sure are actually happening), and the three times after are all vague excuses ranging from “something came up” to “don’t worry about it” that only make Caitlyn lose sleep and space off during class, mind spinning all the possible scenarios of what Vi could be doing around her head like a tornado of anxiety.

And Caitlyn doesn’t want to be a clingy girlfriend. She doesn’t want to be the kind of girlfriend who needs to know her partner’s every whereabout, every action. Vi is an adult, her own person, and she deserves her space and privacy in certain matters if that’s what she needs.

But Caitlyn’s spiraling thoughts don’t seem to agree.

The door to Vi’s apartment creaks open when the clock reads 2:01 AM.

Vi quietly steps through the door, movements nearly silent as she shuts the door behind her, turning the handle slowly to avoid a click, carefully pushing the lock and deadbolt into place.

When she turns around to face the rest of the room, her eyebrows raise in surprise. “Oh. You’re still awake.”

There’s a single light on in the kitchen. Caitlyn, who’s set up at the table, books spread out in front of her, lifts her eyes to meet Vi’s. “I’m still awake,” she confirms.

Vi lets out a breath and steps further into the apartment. She slides her bag off her shoulder and lets it fall to the ground next to the couch. “It’s late, baby,” she says, making her way to the kitchen. “What are you still doing up?”

She walks over to Caitlyn and bends to press a kiss to her hair before moving to the fridge and pulling out a plastic water bottle. She takes a long sip and Caitlyn lowers her eyes back to the open textbook in front of her.

“Studying,” Caitlyn replies. “I have finals next week.”

She sees Vi freeze from the corner of her eye, water bottle pressed to her lips. Caitlyn flips a page as Vi slowly swallows and lowers her water. “Shit.”

“If you didn’t want to help me study, you could have just told me,” Caitlyn says, forcing her voice to stay level. She flips another page, harder than necessary. “Instead of flaking out and not telling me.”

“That’s not it,” Vi hastily says, moving quickly to the table. “I was leaving work when something came up, and I totally spaced on studying with you tonight, and I’m an asshole for that and I’m sorry.”

“Of course something came up,” Caitlyn mutters, eyes narrowing at the words on the page and not comprehending a single one. “Because that’s never happened before.”

Vi sighs. “I’m sorry,” she tries again, leaning on her hands against the table. “It won’t happen again, I promise.” She pauses, and when Caitlyn doesn’t say anything, she continues in a lighter, joking tone. “Although, I don’t know why you’d want to study with me in the first place. Why don’t you study with Mel and Jayce? At least they know about this shit.”

Caitlyn’s head jerks up so she can glare at Vi. “I was going to study with them tonight,” she snaps. Her eyes are bloodshot, and she doesn’t have enough sleep in her system to reign her emotions in any longer. “But when I told you that, you told me to stay home. You told me that you’d help me study instead. So that’s what I did, Vi. If you don’t care enough to follow through on your promises, at least have the decency to remember our conversations.”

Vi’s jaw clenches as she thinks of what to say. There’s regret in her eyes that almost makes Caitlyn feel bad for snapping at her, but a deeper, more sadistic part of her wants Vi to feel bad, wants Vi to feel a fraction of the turmoil she’s been put through lately.

“What can I do to make it up to you?” is what Vi finally says, which makes Caitlyn roll her eyes.

“Just go to bed,” Caitlyn tells her, looking back down at her book. “I’m sure I’ll be over it in the morning, since apparently that’s what I do, now.”

Vi stands there for a few more seconds, staring dejectedly at Caitlyn, before sighing heavily and turning to walk towards the bedroom. As she’s leaving, Caitlyn can’t help but call out to her back.

“I hope your other girlfriend at least had fun.”

And then Vi is spinning around and storming back to the kitchen. “Alright, so it’s gonna be like that, then,” she growls. “Fine, let’s get into it. I’m not fucking cheating on you, Cait. Where the hell did you even get that idea?”

“Gosh, I don’t know, Vi! Maybe it’s the fact you keep sneaking into your own apartment at three in the morning like someone who’s having an illicit affair!” Caitlyn is shouting now, all pretenses of being okay with Vi’s behavior gone.

“I’m not cheating!” Vi yells back. “I stay out a little later a couple of nights, and that’s what you immediately assume? I thought you had a little more faith in me than that!”

“Well what else was I supposed to think?” Caitlyn fires back. “That you’re out mugging people? Dealing drugs? Part of some midnight circus? Shit, Vi, you’re not telling me anything anymore! At least my first thought wasn’t that you’re a serial killer!”

Vi laughs humorlessly. “Oh my god,” she groans, rubbing her hands over her face. “So it’s either I’m cheating on you, or I’m out murdering people. Awesome. Great. Good to know this is how you think of me, now.”

“That’s not-” Caitlyn’s voice breaks and she huffs in frustration. “Maybe if you weren’t acting so suspicious lately, I wouldn’t need to make assumptions at all! God, I feel like I’m going crazy. You’re staying out late and coming home smelling like who knows what, and you don’t tell me why, and I just wish you would talk to me!”

Caitlyn’s voice rings out through the small apartment, bouncing off the walls and soaking into the carpet. Vi is silent, no longer looking angry, just frustrated, while Caitlyn buries her face in her hands and tries to take in some deep breaths.

“I need you to talk to me, Vi,” Caitlyn says quietly. She presses the heels of her palms to her closed eyes. “That’s how relationships work. Communication. I don’t care if you’re out picking up extra shifts. I don’t care if you’re out there pole dancing, for Christ sake. I just want to know.” She takes another steadying breath. “And if you are seeing someone else-”

Her voice breaks and she pauses, trying to reel in her emotions. “Then I want to know that, too.”

The apartment is silent, seemingly holding its breath while Caitlyn waits for Vi’s response. She feels stupid, letting herself get worked up the way that she has, but she’s just so tired. Tired of school, tired of sleeping alone, tired of not knowing.

Vi moves to her side and kneels on the floor. Her hands gently take hold of Caitlyn’s wrists and carefully pull her hands away from her face. Caitlyn knows her eyes must be red and swimming with tears, and she blinks and sniffs to hold them at bay.

“I’m not cheating on you,” Vi tells her again, firmly, looking deep into Caitlyn’s eyes. Caitlyn looks into the blue eyes she’s known for over two years, eyes that belong to a person she knows better than anyone, and she believes her.

“I just- I just feel like I’m losing you,” Caitlyn sniffs, hating how pitiful she sounds.

Vi’s eyes become resolute. “You’re not losing me,” she swears, hands gripping Caitlyn’s fingers. “I’m sorry I’ve been an asshole lately – I’m a work in progress.” Caitlyn lets out a watery laugh, and Vi seems relieved to see her smile. She squeezes Caitlyn’s fingers tighter. “You are the only one, Caitlyn. You’ll always be the only one. And that’s a promise I’ll never break.”

Caitlyn leans in and wraps her arms around Vi’s shoulders, burying her face in Vi’s neck as she shudders through shaky breaths. Vi raises higher onto her knees and holds her close, hands rubbing comfortingly up and down Caitlyn’s back.

“I don’t know what I’d do without you,” Caitlyn whispers into Vi’s neck. “I’m sorry for yelling. I’m sorry for accusing you.”

“I’m sorry, too,” Vi says, squeezing Caitlyn in her strong arms. “I’m sorry for the late nights lately. Vander doesn’t move as well as he used to, and the late shifts are catching up with him. I’m trying to help out whenever I can.”

Vi presses kisses to Caitlyn’s shoulder, her neck, her jaw, and Caitlyn stares numbly at the wall over Vi’s shoulder.

Caitlyn wishes she believed Vi about that.

She doesn’t.

* * *

The end of law school passes by in a daze of exams, job interviews, and fights with Vi that make Caitlyn want to smash her head into a wall.

They argue. They scream horrible, awful things at each other that leave wounds behind, ugly gashes that messily scar over with hushed apologies and fervent promises of devotion. Then they’ll have sex – sometimes rough and angry, all biting teeth and cruel insults hissed against bruised skin, sometimes slow and sweet, with tears and confessions of love and soft kisses that refuse to let up for even a second.

Either way leaves Caitlyn feeling sated. Then hollow. Then agitated.

Sometimes Vi will break things when they fight. She’ll shake and swear and tug at her hair until Caitlyn worries she’ll rip it right out of her head, and then she’ll snap. She’ll put her fist through a wall, throw a glass at the kitchen cupboards, kick over a side table. Then she’ll turn on Caitlyn, and Caitlyn will see the wild look in her eye and instinctively take a step back, one hand held out in front of her.

That usually snaps Vi out of it, and she’ll come to, looking horrified with herself, staring at her hands as if just realizing what they’ve done. An apology always follows, Vi hugging Caitlyn tight and whispering about how sorry she is for scaring her, how it will never happen again, and Caitlyn will tell her it’s alright, then stay up all night thinking about the violence simmering just under the surface of Vi’s quiet composure, thinking about what will happen when Vi can no longer control it.

Vi never hurts her, never lays a finger on Caitlyn. But Caitlyn starts to wonder if it’s only a matter of time.

Worse yet are the times when Vi doesn’t do or say anything at all. The times when Vi lets Caitlyn scream the most vile, hurtful things she can think of, lets Caitlyn shove her and beat her hands against her chest until Caitlyn is spent, sobbing in Vi’s arms while Vi rubs her back and patiently murmurs that it’s okay, that she’s sorry for making Caitlyn upset.

Those times make Caitlyn feel worse than any screaming match or hole in the wall ever could.

Caitlyn spends some nights on Mel and Jayce’s couch, crying into their nice throw pillows about how she hates Vi, how she wishes they’d never met, how she doesn’t want to go back to Vi’s apartment. Each time Mel rubs between her shoulders, murmurs comforting words that do nothing to ease the hurt, and exchanges concerned looks with her husband.

Each time Jayce gently suggests it’s time to end things with Vi, and each time the suggestion makes Caitlyn cry harder, makes her confess how she doesn’t think she’ll ever love someone else. Confess that Vi is it for her, how it will always be Vi.

And each time she returns home she finds Vi looking as bad as she feels, eyes red and hair messy and cheeks tearstained. And they’ll hug and apologize until Vi makes a self-deprecating joke that makes them both laugh and feel all better again.

And then the cycle will start again.

They’re either fighting or fucking at any given moment and Caitlyn feels sick with it. But she also can’t imagine living without it.

* * *

Caitlyn graduates with high honors. Vi sits with her parents during the ceremony, eyes shining with pride. When Caitlyn’s name is called and she crosses the stage, Vi cheers loud enough that the people around her shoot her dirty looks. Caitlyn just laughs and blows her girlfriend a kiss, cheeks hot with embarrassment and adoration.

Vi gives her flowers after the ceremony, and Caitlyn’s father forces them to take a picture in front of the law building, on the very steps where Vi first asked her out. Vi kisses her cheek in the picture, flowers crushed between them, and Caitlyn’s smile is wide enough to make her cheeks ache.

Caitlyn asks her father to get the picture printed and framed, already wanting it for her future office.

* * *

Their fighting and fucking gets loud enough and frequent enough to become bothersome to Vi’s neighbors. So, Vi’s landlord issues them an ultimatum: either break up or move out.

Caitlyn’s parents are more than happy to donate a generous amount towards a new home when Caitlyn asks. They call it a graduation gift, and Caitlyn doesn’t feel even a little guilty when she accepts their money with a smile.

The house is on the outskirts of town, surrounded by trees that give it a quaint cottage feel. It’s close enough to downtown that getting to work won’t be too much of a trek, but far enough away to grant them plenty of privacy.

Vi keeps her apartment and lets her sister move into it, opting to spend all her time at Caitlyn’s new house – their new house – instead.

Things get even louder from there, with no one around to complain about it.

* * *

Caitlyn gets a job at the DA’s office – a place her parents have absolutely no connection to, and it feels good. It feels good to be appreciated for her work, and not feel like everyone is being nice to her just because her parents paid them to be. Her boss compliments her work ethic and tells her that if she keeps it up, she’ll climb the ranks in no time.

At the end of her first week, Caitlyn walks out of the office feeling flushed and happy, a sense of accomplishment in her that she hasn’t felt since undergrad. She digs around in her bag for her car keys, only to stop when she hears someone wolf whistle from across the parking lot.

Caitlyn snaps her head up, immediately feeling defensive, and spots a familiar truck with a familiar head of red hair sticking out its window. A smile stretches across her face and Caitlyn makes her way over.

“Didn’t know they made lawyers as sexy as you.” Vi grins cheekily as Caitlyn comes to a stop next to her window, making a show of raking her eyes over Caitlyn’s office-appropriate professional wear.

Caitlyn smirks rakishly. “How else would we win our cases?” she drawls, raising an eyebrow and leaning on the window ledge. She pulls Vi into a deep, slow kiss that makes her toes curl, and when she pulls away Vi’s eyes are hooded and dazed.

“Fuck,” Vi simpers. “I feel like I need to get arrested now just so I can see my hot lawyer girlfriend in action.”

Caitlyn laughs and kisses her once more before leaning out of the window to give them a bit more space. “What are you doing here?”

“Figured we could go out to dinner,” Vi says. “Someplace nice. Celebrate your first week.”

There’s almost something shy about the way she says it, and Caitlyn is suddenly reminded of the hopeful, earnest girl who insisted they get dinner outside the law building over three years ago.

It makes Caitlyn’s heart squeeze in a distantly nostalgic way.

“We can come back for my car later,” Caitlyn says with a small smile. She rounds the truck to climb into the passenger seat and Vi looks happy and excited when she pulls out of the lot.

They do go out somewhere nice for dinner, a Thai place that’s an old favorite of Caitlyn’s. Vi asks about her first week, what they’ve been having her doing, if there are any coworkers that Vi needs to beat up, and Caitlyn answers all of her questions with a smile. Vi holds her hand up until she’s forced to let go when their food arrives, but even then, she slides a foot forward to rest against Caitlyn’s under the table. At the end of dinner, Vi picks up the bill with a mischievous wink.

It makes Caitlyn feel 22 again. Vi is clingy and complimentary and charming and it makes Caitlyn feel lighter than she’s felt in over a year. It makes her feel like this new chapter is a fresh start for the both of them, for their relationship.

It makes her fall in love all over again.

After dinner, Vi drives them out of town a bit, to a hill overlooking the city. It’s isolated and peaceful and the stars are shining brightly in the night sky.

Caitlyn eats Vi out in the front seat before letting herself be pulled to the back. Vi laces one hand with Caitlyn’s and fucks her with the other, truck rocking back and forth with each of her thrusts. Caitlyn comes with a cry but Vi doesn’t let up, doubling down in her efforts without giving her a second to breathe.

When Caitlyn manages to open her eyes, lungs heaving, she finds tears in Vi’s eyes. There’s a hardness to them, clouded over with desperation and a tinge of what Caitlyn thinks is fear. Vi isn’t quite looking at her, staring at some point near Caitlyn’s head, and she huffs like she’s having trouble breathing.

Caitlyn squeezes Vi’s hand tighter, feeling healing cuts on her knucks, and brings her other hand up to hold Vi’s cheek, trying to dispel whatever demons have seized Vi’s emotions. She crushes their lips together and thinks she understands, she understands, or at the very least, she hopes that she understands.

Vi whispers that she loves her against Caitlyn’s neck, and Caitlyn says it back and means it, and she thinks that maybe they’ll be okay.

* * *

A little over four years into their relationship, Vi kills someone for the first time.

Not that Caitlyn knows it at the time, of course.

Vi bursts through the door a little before midnight, far earlier than Caitlyn was expecting her to be home. Caitlyn had been vegging out on the couch, popcorn propped on her stomach and TV screen lighting up the living room. Vi’s entrance makes her jump, popcorn flying out of its bowl, but when she realizes it’s just her girlfriend Caitlyn sits up with a smile on her face.

“You’re home early,” Caitlyn starts, trailing off when she sees the state Vi is in.

Vi is obviously jumpy, restless. Her fingers tap against her sides, and she closes the front door harder than she needs to. She unwinds the scarf from around her neck with fast, jerky movements, eyes darting around the room. She doesn’t acknowledge Caitlyn, doesn’t seem to even realize she said anything.

“Vi?” Caitlyn says cautiously, slowly moving her popcorn aside and muting her show. “Are you alright?”

The room is dark, only lit by the light coming off the TV, but Caitlyn can still see the wideness of Vi’s eyes, can see the way her nostrils flare as she takes quick breaths.

She tries again. “Vi?”

Vi paces to the coat closet, throwing her scarf in carelessly before yanking off her jacket and shoving that in, too. She slams the closet door shut and paces back to the front door, twisting the lock and slamming the deadbolt into place. The light from the porch shines in through the window, illuminating her pale, sweat-damp skin.

Caitlyn rises from the couch. “Vi- hey, hey, Vi,” Caitlyn says again, more firmly this time, catching Vi’s arm when she moves to tug at her shoes. Vi freezes, staring at the floor, and Caitlyn puts a hand on her cheek. “Vi, did something happen? Tell me what happened, sweetheart.”

“I messed up, Cait,” Vi whispers, so softly that Caitlyn almost doesn’t catch it.

Anxiety seizes Caitlyn. “Messed up how, Vi? Did something happen at the bar?”

Suddenly Vi laughs, and it’s like a switch has flipped in her. Her face goes from nervous, scared, to something almost gleeful and carefree.

It’s shocking enough to make Caitlyn release Vi, and she stares at her with wide, confused eyes.

“Ohhh I fucked up bad,” Vi says, still laughing. She rubs her face harshly with her hands and her laughing turns into shuddering breathes against her palms. Alarmed, Caitlyn hesitantly puts a hand back on her arm, only for Vi to spring away from her touch and slam her fist into the wall.

Caitlyn cries out and quickly steps away from Vi, giving her space as she starts to pace again, hands running through her wild red hair.

“Shit, I mean, I am kind of fucked up, right? It was bound to happen. A fuckup for a fuckup, right?” Vi is mostly talking to herself now, an edge of mania to her voice that sends fear zipping down Caitlyn’s spine.

“Vi, you’re seriously starting to freak me out,” Caitlyn says, voice trembling slightly. Vi’s head snaps in her direction and Caitlyn’s breath catches in her throat.

“Shit, I’m sorry, baby,” Vi says, closing the distance between them with large steps. She catches Caitlyn’s face in her hands before Caitlyn has a chance of backing up. “I didn’t mean to scare you. Hey, but you love me, right? Even if I’m a fuckup. You’ve always been kind of into that, right? You don’t care about any of that.”

Vi’s breath reeks of alcohol. Her skin smells like something metallic and smokey, but not the familiar cigarette smell that Caitlyn has learned to love. More burnt.

Caitlyn gulps. “I do love you,” she says carefully. “And that’s why you need to tell me what happened. I can’t help you if you don’t-”

She’s cut off by Vi pressing their lips together in a bruising kiss. Caitlyn’s eyebrows raise, and she doesn’t have a chance to even think about if she should kiss back before Vi is pulling away again. The hands on her face slide down to squeeze at her shoulders, then move back up to cup her jaw.

“I wanna fuck you,” Vi breathes, eyes closed. Caitlyn’s nose wrinkles at the stench of her. “Can I do that, baby? Can I fuck you?”

Caitlyn shivers and pushes at Vi’s chest. “You’re drunk and upset,” she says. “What you need to do right now is talk to me, and maybe drink some water-”

Vi groans. “I don’t want to talk,” she whines. Her eyes open and she looks pleadingly up at Caitlyn. “I just wanna fuck. Make love to you, whatever. I promise it’ll make me feel all better. Please.” She kisses Caitlyn’s cheek, her jaw, her neck. “Please let me fuck you. Please, baby. Please.”

Before Caitlyn can refuse again, Vi kisses her. She bites at Caitlyn’s lips with desperate sighs and starts moving them to the bedroom, picking Caitlyn up when she doesn’t move her feet fast enough.

Unsure of what else to do, Caitlyn lets it happen.

Vi fucks her hard enough that Caitlyn knows she’ll be sitting funny at her desk for days. She’s rough, and laser-focused, and when she flips them over she begs Caitlyn to bite her, scratch her, pull her hair in ways that will leave marks behind for weeks.

Afterwards, Caitlyn lays in the dark of their bedroom, Vi snoring against her chest, and realizes Vi still never told her what happened.

The next morning Vi is fine, and it’s like nothing ever happened. She kisses Caitlyn good morning, makes a pot of coffee, makes easy jokes, all the while carefully avoiding the topic of the night before. Caitlyn hardly says a word, watching her clean up breakfast like she’s been dropped into an alternate timeline.

It’s only after it’s happened three, four more times that Caitlyn starts to piece it together. She lies awake at night, thinks of the red stains on Vi’s hands, thinks of the faint smell of what she knows is blood lingering on her clothes, and she knows.

But saying it out loud, even to herself, would make it real. And so, she keeps quiet.

* * *

It gets hard to sleep. Every creak of the house, every branch rustling in the wind outside, every car that passes by makes Caitlyn startle awake, heart racing. Every noise makes her hold her breath, waiting for the sound of a door being forced open, a window being smashed in.

She looks over at Vi when she can’t sleep, sees the steady rise and fall of her chest, and wonders how she can sleep so well at night. She thinks it’s a little unfair.

Caitlyn starts keeping a gun in her bedside drawer and tells herself it’s just a precaution. She’ll probably never have to use it.

* * *

Sometimes Caitlyn wonders if Vi knows she’s put it together.

Things change after that first, manic episode of a night. Vi doesn’t kill every night, as far as Caitlyn can tell, only once every couple of months or so, but the signs are always there. The mania from that first night doesn’t quite come back in full, but Vi is always twitchy after a kill, and her eyes are always cold in a way unfamiliar to Caitlyn. She usually tries to fuck Caitlyn after, and Caitlyn usually lets her, ignoring the blood lingering under her fingernails all the while.

Their fights happen less often, become less vitriolic, and Caitlyn jokes bitterly to herself that it’s because Vi is getting all her aggression out in other ways.

They don’t talk as much as they used to, either. Caitlyn tells herself it’s because they’re becoming domestic, finally out of the honeymoon phase after almost five years of being with each other. Tells herself it’s not actually because neither of them knows how to talk to one another without bringing up the enormous elephant in the room.

The sex is still good – the one constant in their relationship amidst everything. But even then, when Vi’s eyes are glassy with desire and Caitlyn’s panting through an orgasm, Caitlyn can’t help but wonder if Vi knows what she knows.

She’s riding Vi’s strap, once, watching with satisfaction as Vi groans and tries to restrain herself from thrusting too much below her. Vi came home the night before with blood splatters on her clothes and didn’t even seem worried about how suspicious it looked, and Caitlyn hasn’t stopped thinking about it since.

Her eyes narrow and she leans forward, slowly sliding her hands from Vi’s chest to the base of her neck. Surprise flashes through Vi’s eyes before they harden, staring so intently that Caitlyn’s surprised a hole doesn’t burn through her head.

Caitlyn moves her hands the last few inches she needs and wraps them fully around Vi’s neck, squeezing ever so slightly. Vi doesn’t do anything to stop her, just brings her hands up to hold Caitlyn’s wrists and stares darkly up at Caitlyn’s hard glare as Caitlyn continues moving her hips, thumbs pressing and hands tightening more and more until Vi’s face is red and her pulse is absolutely hammering beneath her fingers–

They both come hard that night, and Vi passes out immediately afterwards, bruises already forming around her throat.

Is that how you do it? Caitlyn wants to whisper in the dark of their bedroom. Is that how it feels?

Instead of saying that, she rolls over and curls around Vi’s back, forehead pressing against the notches of her spine, and tries to sleep.

* * *

Kieran Samuels, age 36, is charged with the murder of his wife after neighbors heard gunshots from their home late at night. Police found his wife’s body after Samuels attempted to stage the murder as a suicide before checking into a motel one town over, where he was found and arrested the next morning.

It’s the first case of Caitlyn’s career that she takes the lead on. Her boss tells her that if she can prove that Samuels killed his wife, if she can bring him to justice, she will have a bright future as a prosecutor.

Caitlyn wins.

When the judge announces the verdict, Caitlyn’s heart races in her chest, and she can’t help the proud smile that tugs at her lips. She schools her features and turns to shake hands with some of her colleagues, who congratulate her politely.

As the police step forward to handcuff Kieran Samuels, Caitlyn meets his eyes from across the courtroom.

Kieran Samuels has icy blue eyes that cut across the room as they lock onto Caitlyn. His eyes are sharp and hardened and angry and deeply regretful.

The smile falls from Caitlyn’s lips as she watches him be taken away, her colleagues’ comments fading to a buzz.

The office celebrates Caitlyn’s win. They buy a cake, open a bottle of champagne, play music. Everyone seems incredibly pleased with Caitlyn, and they compliment her work with the trial, and Caitlyn does her best to join in on the festivities.

She feels a buzz in her pocket and fishes out her phone to see a text.

Vi
how did it go? did you win??

Caitlyn stares at the message longer than necessary before answering with numb fingers.

Caitlyn
I won.

Vi’s response comes less than a minute later.

Vi
hell yeah!!! thats MY super hot sexy smart badass lawyer gf everyone!!!!

proud of you baby

Caitlyn stares at her phone for another long minute before one of her coworkers comes up to talk to her, a wide smile on their face. Caitlyn automatically mimics the expression and slides her phone into her pocket, graciously accepting their praise.

*

When Caitlyn gets home that night, she opens a bottle of vodka, packs two bags, and drafts a resignation letter.

Then she waits.

Vi gets home around 8:00, just as it’s getting dark outside. Her truck’s headlights through the trees cast fractured shadows on the walls in the living room, flashing against where Caitlyn is sitting on the couch.

Caitlyn sees the headlights bob as Vi exits the truck, hears the crunch of footsteps on gravel, and waits patiently until Vi opens the front door.

“Hey, cupcake,” Vi greets with a smile. Her hands are full with a large paper bag and flowers, so she pushes the door shut with an elbow. “Why are you sitting in the dark, weirdo? You gonna attack me or something?” she says with a laugh, but makes no moves to turn on the light.

Caitlyn says nothing, watching Vi kick off her shoes and shuffle the items in her arms.

“Okay, so I’ve got champagne, cupcakes, and takeout from that Thai place you like,” Vi lists off, peering into her bag. “Because we are celebrating how much of a badass you are, winning your first ever case.” She crosses the room and shifts the bag to one arm so she can hand the flowers over to Caitlyn. “And these are for you, of course. Oh, and I may have made an extra stop on the way home for a special surprise.”

Vi winks meaningfully and walks into the kitchen, flicking the light on to start unpacking her bag.

Caitlyn remains on the couch, staring numbly at the flowers in her hands.

“So be honest, did you make anyone cry on the stand?” Vi asks, washing her hands and pulling out plates. “Because if you did, that’s kind of hot, not gonna lie. I’d let you make me cry on the stand for sure.”

When Caitlyn still doesn’t say anything, Vi pauses in her movements, finally picking up on the mood.

Caitlyn sets the flowers aside.

Vi moves to lean against the kitchen entryway. “Hey, you alright?” She glances around the living room and tenses when she finally sees the suitcases next to the front door. “Why are my bags out?”

All of Vi’s belongings fit in two bags; a fact Caitlyn used to find charming, for some reason.

Caitlyn closes her eyes and takes a deep breath.

“I’m done.”

It takes Vi a second to answer. “What are you talking about?” she asks, voice suddenly low.

“With us,” Caitlyn says.

With her eyes shut, Caitlyn can’t see Vi move, but she can hear the slow steps she takes toward where she’s sitting. “Caitlyn,” she says carefully. “What’s this all about?”

“I can’t keep doing this.” The words burst from Caitlyn, and they keep coming as she forces her eyes open. “I can’t keep pretending like I’m okay with any of this. Not after what you’ve done.”

Vi’s nostrils flare. “I thought we’ve been over this,” she says, tone carefully even. “I’ve never cheated on you, Cait. Never.”

“That’s not what I’m talking about and you know it,” Caitlyn says darkly, finally looking over at Vi. Her tone leaves no room for misinterpretation, and her eyes challenge Vi to try denying it.

Vi’s jaw clenches as she thinks of words to defend herself with. “What can I do to fix this?” she says, far softer than Caitlyn was expecting.

Caitlyn rises to her feet. “You can leave,” she says firmly. She crosses her arms over her chest and stares down at Vi, using the few inches she has over her to her advantage.

“You don’t mean that,” Vi says, voice shifting to the tone she’s always used to persuade Caitlyn with. “I wouldn’t be gone for two days before we realize how much we miss each other. That’s not going to fix anything.”

“I’m serious, Vi,” Caitlyn tells her, and something in her face must show she means it, because Vi’s eyes widen ever so slightly.

“No,” Vi whispers. “No, baby, don’t do this. I thought we had something good.”

Caitlyn’s lip trembles, heat rising behind her eyes, and she turns away. “Leave, Vi. I won’t ask you again.”

“Cupcake,” Vi says, panicked and a little desperate. “Tell me what to do to fix this. I can fix this, you know I can.” She circles around to the front of Caitlyn, and Caitlyn’s throat lumps at the sight of tears in her eyes. “Please, Caitlyn, I don’t want to lose you. I’m sorry I fucked up, I’m sorry.”

Vi falls down on her knees and wraps her hands around the backs of Caitlyn’s legs, looking pleadingly up at Caitlyn. “I can change, if that’s what you need. I swear I will, if you want me to. Baby, just tell me what to do, and I’ll do it. I’ll change, I can be better, I promise.”

Caitlyn doesn’t touch Vi, doesn’t card her fingers through her hair like she might have done a year, a month, a week ago. She keeps her arms crossed securely around her chest, strengthens her resolve, and meets Vi’s watery eyes.

“You can’t change,” Caitlyn says simply. “This is who you’ve always been, Vi. And this is who I am. It’s time we accept that. We are who we are.”

Something changes in Vi’s expression. Her eyes harden. Her jaw sets. A tear falls onto her cheek and she nods her head a little. “Right,” she says, letting go of Caitlyn’s legs and slowly rising to her feet.

They stand there for a moment, face to face, Vi looking at Caitlyn and Caitlyn looking at Vi. Caitlyn lets her eyes trace all the features so familiar to her – scars and tattoos and worry lines and freckles.

Then she looks away.

She doesn’t watch as Vi wipes her eyes. She doesn’t watch as Vi shoves her feet into her shoes. Doesn’t watch as Vi grabs the handles of her suitcases and hauls them out the front door.

Vi pauses on the porch, and Caitlyn thinks maybe she’ll say something; one last plea for forgiveness, one last cutting remark, but instead she says nothing.

Vi’s truck starts up, the headlights flash, and Caitlyn digs her fingernails into her arms hard enough to bleed as Vi drives away.

Caitlyn doesn’t let herself look up until the sound of the truck has completely faded. She slowly makes her way to the still-open front door, where Vi’s house key sits abandoned on the welcome mat.

Caitlyn bends down, holds the keys in her hand, and falls apart.

* * * * *

Years later, after weddings and career shifts and a whole new life, Caitlyn sits beside her bed, a warm gun in her hand.

She doesn’t panic, doesn’t have to wonder what her next step should be.

She pulls out her phone, pulls up a contact she’s blocked dozens of times by now, and presses the call button.

An all-too familiar voicemail greets her, and a sigh releases from Caitlyn.

“Vi,” she says, voice only a little shaky. “I need you.”