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It felt good and right to kiss him, in the end. His mouth was slow and sleepy and at first it didn’t feel like a kiss at all. Aaron felt a murmur in his chest, a low horizon of thunder trembling away inside him. He had to push up on his feet for their mouths to touch. He had his fingers on the stitching trim of Robert’s jacket, his thumb rubbing against one of the poppers. When Aaron slowed the kiss, Robert woke up and responded properly, using the pause to breathe and then press his lips back, this time a little firmer, a little surer. It was sometime after two in the morning. The sky was an endless black and Aaron could hear an ambulance siren approaching. Aaron let the kiss linger a little longer and then ran his hand along Robert’s arm.
When they went back inside, through the sliding doors, through each and every white corridor with the squeaked, polished floors, Aaron knew something had changed even if his face wouldn’t show it. Robert didn’t dare to show it either. Aaron kept glancing at him, eyes flicking to the side as they walked. Robert hadn’t really talked, hadn’t let a smile – smug or otherwise – break the stillness of his face. Exhaustion and emotion had broken them both. Another reason the kiss felt so good, so comforting.
Victoria was pretty much as they left her, except she’d been given a tray – a much needed slice of buttery toast and a cup of blackcurrant squash. Adam was sat next her, in a chair pulled up to the bed, and with her looked into the red and scrunched face of their new daughter.
Victoria’s eyes kept filling with tears. She looked up from the bundle in her arms as Robert shut the door. “She’s just so beautiful,” she said to him.
Robert smiled. “She’s bound to be. She is half yours.”
“Do you want to hold her?” Victoria asked.
Aaron stood beside him and met his eyes with a nod of encouragement. Andy had been there earlier, had snuck in against the nurse’s wishes, and had a hold of his new niece almost straight away.
“That’s just Andy,” Robert had said to Aaron earlier when they were stood outside the hospital for some air and a vending machine coffee. The kiss was minutes away, a soft and unexpected moment of affection in the distance. Aaron hadn’t even planned on doing it. “He’s a pro at that sort of thing. What do I know about kids?”
“Babies are easy. You’ve just got to support their head.”
“That doesn’t sound very easy. That’s what I mean – how do people know all this?”
“I dunno. You just do.”
A couple of nurses on a night shift freed up a bench outside the main entrance and Aaron nodded over at it and the pair of them headed to it. It was a starless night, nothing but a slice of moon in the sky. The coffee warmed up Aaron’s hands through the plastic cup. It should have been colder outside, being September, but it wasn’t. It had been a mad few hours.
Earlier in the day Aaron and Adam had gone on a wild goose chase across the country to try and collect some furniture from someone selling it on eBay. Adam and Vic were saving for a new car, one that would be able to take all three of them (when the baby came), meaning when it came to prams and high chairs they were looking to make savings here and there.
They were stuck in traffic when Adam’s phone rang insistently.
“Aren’t you going to get that?” Aaron said, his hands still on the steering wheel despite the fact their car hadn’t moved in the traffic in over twenty minutes. It was Adam’s car but they had shared the driving.
“It’s Robert,” Adam said in a voice that meant – there’s your reason.
“Well?” Aaron said. Things between him and Robert had thawed, had more than thawed actually. It was a strange limbo between lingering attraction, civil conversations and reminders of all the hell they’d been through together and because of each other.
Adam answered it eventually and although Aaron could only hear Adam’s side of the conversation – it was pretty obvious what was happening: Victoria was in labour. When the traffic didn’t look like it was moving any time soon, Adam became rattled, smacking the dashboard.
“Fuck this!” he said. “Fuck! I’m gonna miss it, I’m gonna miss the birth of my child!”
“It’s gonna be alright,” Aaron said, trying to calm him. He placed a hand on his shoulder. “She’s in hospital, she’s not on her own and look – these things take ages, don’t they?”
It was clear when they arrived at the hospital two hours later that Victoria’s labour wasn’t going as slowly as Aaron had suggested. By the time they found the maternity ward, and the good news that Victoria had a room of her own, a nurse on reception stopped them from getting any further.
“Sorry, you can’t go in there,” she said, placing a hand on Adam’s chest. Her hair was dark, sticking to her forehead.
Aaron’s instinct kicked in, speaking for Adam when he knew being calm and rational wasn’t going to be his top priority. “He’s the dad,” Aaron said to the nurse.
“Okay,” she said, looking from Aaron to Adam. “I’ll have a word with the midwife and see if you can go in with her. Mrs Barton’s already got a pretty crowded room as it is.”
“Is she alright? Is the baby okay?” Adam said.
The nurse smiled. “They’re both good. Your little one is going to be with us very shortly!”
When the nurse returned, she beckoned Adam towards her and Aaron spotted Robert behind her, ridding himself of a plastic apron. His hair was flat, his cheeks and eyes red. Adam rushed past him without seeming to notice him and Aaron stood, hands in pockets as Robert puffed out a breath. He rubbed his hands across his face and then at last looked right at Aaron in front of him.
“Hi,” Aaron said, a little sheepish. It had been a while since they’d been in a room together, almost alone, and in a tense and emotional situation.
“You made it just in time,” Robert said, approaching him. His face had washed into a yellowish grey “I don’t think I could have stayed in there any longer.”
Aaron smiled in response to Robert’s nervous laugh and looked down at his feet. “She’ll have been glad to have had you there. You know, moral support and all that.”
Robert flexed his hand out in front of him, wincing. “She’s got a grip on ‘er.” He pulled a face. “Nothing broken though, so that’s a bonus I guess.”
“It’ll be nothing compared to what she’s going through in there.”
“Yeah, don’t I know it? I’ve never heard screams like it.”
A brief silence played out between them and Aaron wondered what they looked like to the outsiders. To the others milling around, the nurses, doctors, midwives and patients. Could they sense the volume of emotions deafening him, the thoughts and all their contradictions filling up his head?
“I better…” Aaron backed off a little, tilting his head.
“Stay,” Robert said. “She’ll have popped it out any minute.”
“It’s a family thing.”
Robert reached out and his hand grazed the sleeve of Aaron’s jacket. He looked down and withdrew his hand as if conscious of the contact. “You’re Adam’s best mate. You’re going to be godfather, aren’t you?” He paused and Aaron looked up, meeting the warmth of his tired eyes. “You’re practically family. Stay. Keep me company.”
They sat outside the room on plastic chairs, their knees occasionally touching when Robert had the patience to sit down. Aaron didn’t think he’d ever seen Robert agitated like this, he was on his feet every two minutes, or flicking through a year-old magazine.
“It’s making me nervous just looking at you,” Aaron said, although his own leg was jumpy and he’d bitten the skin on his forefinger.
“I just want to know she’s alright. Do you think I should ask someone?”
“I think you should just chill out.”
“That’s easy for you to say-“ Robert began but before he could finish, Adam rushed out into the corridor, flushed and his eyes searching them out.
Aaron and Robert took to their feet.
“It’s a girl!” Adam said and covered his face with his hands. “We’ve got a baby girl.” The air was knocked out of his Aaron’s chest as Adam pulled him into a tight hug, slapping him between his shoulder blades. Adam stepped back, slightly breathless and in his excitement enveloped Robert in a hug too.
“Congratulations,” Robert said once then hug had come to its awkward end. His smile matched Adam’s, wide, bright and a little dazed.
“I better get back in there, but look - come and meet her in a minute, yeah?” Adam said, nodding as he backed away. “I’m a dad!”
Babies and new life do weird things to people, Aaron was sure they must mess with the air and the chemicals or something, because even with Adam sprinting back to be with his kid, Aaron could feel the smile had embedded in his own face. He felt lighter, his body fizzing with pulse and blood and adrenaline. He heard Robert breathing beside him, now stilled in shock. Aaron wanted to do what Adam had done and what felt natural, easy, to just turn and pull Robert into his arms. He wanted to feel the long press of his warm body, the skipping heartbeat, the downy hairs on the back of his neck. He wanted to smell the spice of his cologne again, to close his eyes against Robert’s chest and breathe the air that separated them. He wanted it to be that easy between them, cling to the potential that they’d always had and always manage to avoid or ruin.
Instead, Aaron clapped Robert on the shoulder, allowing their gazes to meet. “Uncle again,” he said. “Congratulations.” For a moment it looked as if Robert had the same thought as Aaron, as if he was going to step forward and hold him, but he didn’t. He stopped himself too.
*
“All I’m saying is,” - Robert continued between sips of his machine coffee, on the bench outside the hospital – “there’s a reason why I’m never asked to babysit.”
Aaron snorted a little, unable to stop smiling even though he was shaking his head. The euphoria of the baby being born was still living between them, softening all the edges that had built up over the past year and a half.
“Your little sister has just had a baby and you still manage to make it all about you!”
“Alright,” Robert said, hands up in defeat. “I was just making conversation.”
Aaron’s smile weakened and he found himself looking towards his feet on the ground, scuffing the soles on the asphalt. Was this what they’d come to? Silences and forcing themselves to make conversation? Would they be talking about the weather next or complaining about the coffee? Aaron knew why. The past was all about things they’d said, too much or not enough. Regrets, arguments, broken promises. Away from that – the things that hadn’t been said felt too frightening, too much like a future they weren’t ready to broach the idea of.
Robert drained his cup and stood up to throw it away, grimacing at it.
“You know, out of everyone, Vic’s the last person you need to prove yourself to. She’ll want you to be there for her and the kid. She thinks the world of you,” Aaron said and stood up to face him. He watched Robert droop his head and take his hands out from his pockets. His face looked solemn all of a sudden, lit up in amber and grey from the lights in the carpark.
Aaron leaned over to drop his cup in the bin and then once he’d straightened, Robert felt a lot closer, leaning into him.
“And you?”
“What about me?”
“What do you think of me?”
Aaron exhaled. “I don’t think that’s a conversation for two, nearly three, in the morning, do you?”
Robert smiled and Aaron watched as Robert’s eyes searched his face. “I’ve got nowhere else to be.”
He wasn’t sure what made first contact, whether it was his hands, pulling at the opening of Robert’s jacket to steady himself, or whether it was their lips. Aaron could feel his own bottom lip tremble against the still, dryness of Robert’s mouth. The moment of stillness didn’t last long, the caution broke and when Aaron’s lips parted, Robert was kissing him back, his fragility cracking under the sound of a slight moan.
*
“I feel like I’m going to break her,” Robert said, his new niece in his arms. Aaron watched on, focused on the girl’s miniature features and trying not to listen to the way Robert’s voice changed, the way he made quiet little cooing sounds to the baby. Aaron tried not to think about the kiss outside, the way it had consumed him, what it might mean for the future.
“Please don’t,” Victoria said, her mouth mostly preoccupied with the toast and drink. Adam had his arm around her shoulders, smoothing a bare inch of skin.
“He’s just asking her who her favourite uncle is,” Aaron said, moving closer to Robert and stroking the baby’s hand. He could feel Robert watching him and the heat from his body but he couldn’t bring himself to look up into his eyes.
“I better be above Ross…” Robert said, half-grumbled.
“Come on, second to worst is actually an achievement for you,” Aaron said, teasing. He smirked. Their shoulders touched. This time he looked up and their eyes met, erasing any other mocking he had planned. He didn’t have to look over to know that Adam and Vic were watching so he cleared his throat and increased the distance between him and Robert.
“I’m gonna – er – head home,” Aaron said. “I don’t know how I haven’t been kicked out already,” he added with a half-hearted laugh. “Those nurses don’t look like the sort you wanna get on the wrong side of.”
“I’ll give you a lift,” Robert said. “I should get off too.”
“No look, it’s fine. I can bring Adam’s car back in the morning…”
“Aaron,” Robert said, even softer than the voice he used to talk to the baby. “Let me take you home.”
Aaron glanced at Vic and Adam and then away again, digging his gaze sheepishly into the ground. “Alright. If you’re sure.”
*
Robert put the radio on low and Aaron’s head fell back against the headrest watching as street lights on the motorway blurred. He closed his eyes every so often, but he was too wired to sleep. He knew that Adam and Vic would have noticed the shift between them, everyone had begun noticing. Paddy and Chas were on high alert. And it seemed obvious that they’d see the pull, if Aaron could feel it so strongly in his chest, it must be visible to everyone else.
It wasn’t long and Robert had slowed the car to a crawl. Aaron straightened up in the seat, seeing the pub come closer into vision. The village was pitch black.
“So…” Robert said, bringing the car almost to a stop and looking at Aaron in the dark. “Do you want me to drop you at the pub?”
“It’s where I live, isn’t it?” He knew what they were both doing. Pushing. Testing.
“Or do you want to come home with me?”
Aaron’s throat tightened and he swallowed the knot that twisted inside.
“Yeah.” It felt good. It felt right.
Things were different now. Once Robert had opened up the front door of Keeper’s Cottage, it wasn’t about smuggling their secrets inside and ripping at each other’s clothes. Robert didn’t push him up against the wall and drag his tongue across Aaron’s neck. Instead he flicked on the light in the hall and faced Aaron. The bulb was dying, flickering and dimming above their heads as Robert stepped forward, casting Aaron in dark shadow and placing his hands either side of Aaron’s face.
“This place must be quite a come down for you,” Aaron said, his gaze drawn to Robert’s mouth.
“It’s not so bad,” Robert said and leaned in to kiss him. His thumb drew smooth stripes across Aaron’s cheek as the kiss deepened. A part of Aaron hoped that away from the high emotion of the hospital, he’d lose the reckless hope that he’d managed to pin on Robert again. He didn’t want to start seeing the good in him again, the softness, the way he was around his family. He wanted to remember the pain and the misery he’d caused – the way he’d buried himself in Aaron’s head and scratched away at him. But wanting and feeling were two separate things. He’d been so willing to keep letting pain into his life, but hope? He resisted, he fought, he denied himself hope. He didn’t know what things with Robert were going to become, but struggling against the possibility was making him more miserable than hope ever did.
Robert led him upstairs and into his poky bedroom, revealing its size and condition with an ironic spread of his arms to announce it. It didn’t matter. It had never mattered. Robert undressed him, laying his mouth on him tenderly. He knew what it meant to be doing this again. He held Aaron to him, their chests pressed together and his fingers skimming his hair line at the back of his neck. Aaron relaxed against him, kissing him back with a gratitude and affection he couldn’t express in words.
Robert held his mouth to Aaron’s hair and mixed his name with a sigh. “I’ve missed you.”
*
Afterwards they both faced the ceiling. Aaron’s arm spread across Robert’s chest. Robert trailed his fingers from Aaron’s elbow to wrist and raised Aaron’s palm to his mouth and kissed him.
“Don’t you think…” Robert began, his voice slugged by tiredness. Aaron pulled away and rolled onto his side, hoping – and contented – when Robert moved up behind him and pressed his chest against Aaron’s back. “…that the baby was ugly? I know everyone says babies are cute, but….”
“Don’t even think about saying that to Vic.”
Robert drew his arm around Aaron’s middle. “I’m not that stupid.”
Aaron scoffed, closing his eyes and enjoying the comfort of Robert’s body. “I thought she looked a bit like you really,” - Robert made an appreciative little hum when Aaron paused – “Poor girl.”
“Funny,” Robert said, kissing Aaron’s shoulder. “You fancy the pants off me.”
“You’re not wearing any.”
“Exactly.” Robert gave Aaron’s thigh a squeeze.
“Robert?” Aaron said, his voice slow and quiet.
“What, what is it?”
“Will you shut up and let me sleep? I’ve got to be up at the scrapyard at 9.”
“Take the day off.”
“I would but I’ve got this real prick of an investor….”
“He’d want you to take the day off.”
Aaron scoffed and nestled his head into the pillow. “He wouldn’t.”
“He would,” Robert said, running his thumb down the length of Aaron’s arm. “Spend it with me.”
Aaron didn’t think about the past, he gave into how he felt in that moment and the way the future just seemed to open up ahead of him. “Okay,” he said and rolled back so that Robert’s arm could wrap round him tighter.
“Five more minutes like this, alright? Then you can sleep.”