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You're wandering around the meteor when you see them. You were looking for Gamzee, the two of you haven't had a feelings jam in a while and you really need one. You're talk with Terezi about not getting down on herself over her dancestor dredged up all kinds of feelings you had been trying to push down for the last half a sweep. You haven't actually seen Gamzee in, a perigee? Maybe longer? Definitely since before you met Meenah and Aranea the first time. Right now you wish you still hadn't.
Neither Gamzee nor Terezi notices that you're standing outside the lab they're fighting in. They're far to focus on each other. At first you had thought that Gamzee had lost it again and were prepared to run in to shooshpap him back to (relative) sanity. Before you can so much as call out his name Terezi tackles him to the ground and then-
then they're kissing.
In your romcoms when a character sees their love interest kissing another troll they just stand there; too stunned and heartbroken to move. You don't. Your brain hasn't even fully processed what you just saw before you're turning around and walking back the way you came. You think that maybe you should be running instead, but that would just alert them to your presence (assuming they are too busy making out to hear things happening nearby) and honestly, you don't feel like you have the energy to run right now. So you just keep walking. You no longer have a destination in mind. Just the vague idea of 'not back there'. You don't even really pay attention to where you're going. Instead you try to process what you saw.
For starters, it wasn't flushed. Which is a pretty inane thought because of course it wouldn't be flushed. Terezi is still with Dave not to mention she's made no secret of hating Gamzee for killing Equius and Nepeta. It had seemed platonic at the time. When had her feelings changed? For that matter when did Gamzee start hating her at all? In the sadly few pale dates you have shared with him he never gave any indication that he was starting to wax pitch for Terezi. He'd mentioned having a brief black crush on Strider, but it went away with the rage that had caused him to rampage in the first place. Kanaya he would bounce back and forth between a vague platonic hatred and being scared of her depending on his mood that day.
He’s never mentioned Terezi. Even when you would bring her up during a jam he never talked about her except in regards to your own mixed feelings. Was their kismesissitude a recent development then? How was that possible if Gamzee had been hiding from everyone lately?
Maybe he hasn't been hiding from everyone. Maybe he's just been hiding from you.
It makes sense. Gamzee knows that you harbored pitch feelings for Terezi for sweeps. If he had suddenly developed similar feelings for her, and had those feelings returned, he would likely feel guilty for taking away your last chance to be in one of her quadrants. Or maybe he was afraid of what you would do to him if you knew? It's not unheard of for a moirallegiance to be broken over a shared interest in the same troll for the same quadrant. You have dozens of movies featuring that exactly scenario. Anyone would understand if you were angry at him, especially after he hid it from you. You, who he should trust more than anyone in existence, just like you trust him. Like you used to trust him. Right now you're really not sure if you still can.
You stop in front of what you distantly recognize as the door to your respiteblock. Your train of thought similarly stops for a few seconds as you ask yourself if you want to be here, where you could easily be found by someone. You remember that the only way anyone would come looking for you is if they wanted to be near you, which they don't, so you go in. You don't really blame them. You never want to be near you either but there's not a whole lot you can do about that is there? Even dying wouldn't help since you'd just end up in a dream bubble for the rest of eternity, unless Lord English came by to destroy it. You doubt you'd be so lucky.
You look around your room and wonder what you should do. You've watched all your movies so many times that frankly you’re sick of them. You lent your books to Rose after she told you she'd found the one you tried to give to Dave "a very intriguing and titillating read". You can't surf the web because it no longer exists. You consider starting another memo to vent your feelings into but dismiss that as well. Not even the chance to take your frustrations out on a past or future version of yourself appeals to you right now. You can't sleep either because then you would have to deal with dream bubbles. Finally you just sit against the wall near your recuperacoon, hugging your knees to your chest.
You let your mind drift back to Terezi and Gamzee. You think you should be angry at Gamzee, if only for hiding something so important from you. You think about how none of your friends want to hang out with you anymore, that maybe you should be mad at them too because of it. You think about how paradox space continues to screw you over and that you should be angry about that. You think about the number one thing that never fails to piss you off, how much of a useless asshole you are. But no, even then the usual anger doesn't come.
Instead you just feel this odd lack of any feeling at all. You don't even feel sad. Just...blank. You wish your brain would do the same thing, just turn off and stop thinking about how shitty you and your life are. But that would be a good thing and now more than ever you're sure that good things aren't meant to happen to you.
You’re so tired of it all. Tired of being alone, tired of pinning after Terezi, tired of being angry at everyone and everything, tired of even existing at all.
You think you’d give anything to be able to stop.