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The feeling is an incessant tug at the back of his mind.
Arthur notices the absence in everything, everywhere he travels in the castle or the grounds. It’s distinct, the silence of being truly alone for the first time in years. It’s a pressure making itself known behind his eyes, settling like a weight on his shoulders. The feeling seems to dislodge something near his heart, makes his breathing nearly painful.
He tries his best to ignore it, the twisting, vomit inducing feeling of anxiety that whips him up into a frenzy that is always, always looking and never finding what it wants.
He drowns it resolutely in sparring, the severe clang of metal on metal. Anything to shatter the silence. Each sword stroke finding home on either himself or his opponent is enough, for the moment, to distract his mind. His body still feels sluggish, even in the rush of battle, the heat inducing adrenaline. His blood pumps furiously but he feels lost, as if he is only half aware of his fighting technique. The challenger bests him, maybe because he is skilled but Arthur has a sneaking suspicion it is because of the ringing feeling of absolute emptiness sinking into the pit of his stomach.
There is no substitute, no person who can take the empty place. No touch that equals those he has taken for granted for years. No voice that soothes him in quite the same way. It’s frustrating, confusing.
Arthur longs for the trial to be over, for his world to righten again.
He is curiously lost without, afloat in a sea of familiar yet unfamiliar, necessities that leave him worn out and feeling useless. He resorts to asking Gaius and Gwen for help because asking another servant seems wrong, like cheating. He’s not sure why it should matter. He is the king. He can have as many as he likes.
The halting, uncertain touches of Gaius are irritating. The insistent, harsh tugs of Gwen strapping him into his armor are torture.
Everything feels wrong, prickly, brittle around the edges. It prompts the words before he can stop them and they shock him. And at the same time, don’t.
He wants Merlin back.