Chapter Text
“Oh, if only I could build a time machine. I’d come and get you. I can’t forget you.” ~Løv Li
-
It was something about the Weather that day. Jimin liked the Cold but hated the Rain - especially in November.
It was November. It was cold outside. And it had rained cats and dogs from morning to evening, ceasing only momentarily - that moment Jimin was in the car, on his way Home.
He shouldn’t have gone to his Rehearsal that day. He shouldn’t have done this to himself when he knew… He had felt it from the instant he had opened his eyes that morning… The day wasn’t going to roll well.
But going outside or not couldn’t depend on his Mood. He wasn’t Sixteen. He didn’t have that excuse. Not anymore. It had been too long. He was Twenty-three. People expected him to deliver his best. He was a Figure Skater. And there were no pauses in that field.
When he was about to flow to the music, it was him, the block of Ice, and his Figure Skates. The colors and the World would disappear. It was peaceful and freeing.
It was why Jimin couldn’t give that double dagger up even after what it had taken from him.
Dancing…
Him dancing...
On Ice…
It came at a cost.
He was at the top of the Game. He always had been. But it meant sacrificing precious parts of himself every day - some days more than others. Some days… One day… It meant giving something up that he could never take back.
Not in the same Form.
Jimin could never take that Lilliputian Form back.
And he knew. He knew it now that he was older.
He had given up more than he should have. He had paid a Price ten times costlier than what he was left with.
Ice Skating made him feel alive. It made him feel Happy. It made him Competitive and Powerful - Important.
But in life, some things were greater than others.
And what had been dead and killed because of his Egotistical Ambitions couldn’t be brought back.
He was Sixteen.
What did he know?!
They hadn’t told him.
He hadn’t cared to know either. Not before it. And for quite a long time, years - almost three - he hadn’t wanted to wander anywhere near the Subject with vigor.
He had been Categorical in his denial. He was trying to heal. He was fighting to forget what had been done. And he was quite good at it. He choked that Double Pain in the depths of his Abused Soul. He found it easy because… Well… He had his Love for his Pirouettes.
And…
The only reason he hadn’t broken down about the Cause had been because the Tiny Consequence had been dealt with the same day he had been informed of it.
He couldn’t remember it.
The only thing he had was, again, the immediate aftermath. His torn clothes around him. His nakedness under that unfamiliar duvet. All the dried blood and other disgusting fluids on that unfamiliar bed and between his thighs. His Protective Disorientation about it.
He remembered feeling Light. He remembered acting on a clear head - although he couldn’t have been more Unwell and Unhinged in his goddamn life!
After some years, when he had found the strength to look for what unknowingly kept burning and tearing away at his Soul, he decided to consult a Psychologist about it. And he was told it was a Defensive Mechanism - the Dry Detachment he had shown that terrible morning.
With a Clinical Composure, he had picked himself and all his pieces up. He had found some clothes. He had put them on. Ignoring every voice and every face in that spacious, shithole of a Mansion, he had run outside. The first Kind-looking Omega he spotted on his path, he asked for help.
Jimin wished he could remember at least her face. But he could only recall her Kindness. The way he had ushered him to the nearest bench. The way she had pulled napkins out of her purse to wipe the wet surface of the bench because it had just stopped raining at that moment. The way she had tried to go and buy him some water or juice because his countenance looked threateningly pale and not okay. But she stayed by his side when he was too afraid to see her leaving him.
He didn’t know where he goddamn was. His Parents had driven him there to that Glamorous Area of Seoul. It was the first and last time! He swore it to himself on that bench. That would - and had been - the first and last Party of his Life!
His Parents had pressed him to go. Jimin wasn’t Antisocial or anything. And it wasn’t as if he didn’t have Friends - both at School and Skate Lessons. But he preferred to stay at Home - run through his moves on his bare feet rather than waste time alongside them in a Pointless Get-together.
It wasn’t a Birthday Party! The Rich Omega of his Skate Class had invited him for the fun of it all. She had invited everyone from their Class. Jimin wasn’t particularly close with her. But it wasn’t as if they hadn’t exchanged polite conversation every here and there.
His Parents, too, wanted him to take Skating seriously - work hard to make his Dream come true. But, apparently, according to them, Jimin had overdone it a little back then. He had obsessed over repetitions a bit too much. He deserved a break.
And what better break there was than a Party?!
Every Kid his age had gone to at least one. And Hana had a Reputation even among Parents. Her Father was in the Industry. Even if her Skates couldn’t make it, her Father’s Connections and Money could definitely make the Dream work out for her.
His Parents advised him to go to the Party and befriend her. Jimin agreed only because Mia, his then Skate Mate and Bestie, had said she would go with him. But her Heat had come early. She canceled at the last minute. And Jimin could understand. He had Irregular Cycles from time to time, too. It was the Dance, the Stress, and the Diet. Jimin had gotten his first Heat at Thirteen. So… He was a bit too old for Typical, Teenage Causes.
Perhaps…
Perhaps his Heat had hit him at that Party as well. Perhaps… They had slid something into his drink. Vaguely, he could remember an Alpha’s intense stare on him throughout the night. But that same Alpha had been all over Hana always at the Party. Jimin thought it was her Boyfriend. A few days later he would ask in the Academy and learn that Hana didn’t abide by the One-Guy-at-a-time Culture.
The Kind Omega Lady offered him her Phone when he asked for it. His first call was to the Police. God only knew how the words had spurted out of him comprehensively enough.
Bad.
Wrong.
Happened.
The Sweet Lady next to him helped him out with them. She asked his name. He mumbled it to her. She reported it to the Officer on the other end of the Phone. An Alpha Kid Cried for Ice Cream, tugging manically his Mother’s hand. She disconnected the call and asked if he wanted to call his Parents.
He said no.
The Omega Angel had done a good job. A few blurry moments later, the Police pulled up to their location with two Omega Officers.
Jimin remembered thanking her, bowing slightly to her. He was escorted to the car. (The Officers knew better than to try and help him there - touch him in any way.) Then, he was in a Busy Police Station. But he remembered liking how he wasn’t in a secluded room, alone - without the comforting white noise of working voices around him.
A face behind the desk, before his sitting Figure, was asking questions. He seemed to move his lips. Jimin was too out of it to grasp what that Male Omega was saying. Quickly, or many torturously slow moments later, they decided to drive him to a Hospital. They had called his Parents. And he saw them running to him on that white corridor with anxious faces. He lowered his face and never met their gazes again for weeks.
It wasn’t Shame, Hurt, or Humiliation that made him disconnect himself from them and the World like that.
It was that Void that had nestled forcibly into his Soul - the Dark Abyss that had swallowed him whole.
And he was left with nothing.
He couldn’t feel a thing.
He couldn’t make sense of the situation he was put in. One moment he had a plastic, red cup in one hand. The next one, he had opened his eyes to a Sick Parody. Unequivocally, that couldn’t have been his Story and Truth. He was still a Virgin Figure-Lover. He still had a Skate Lesson at 4 PM. His Life stayed the same.
Couldn’t it?
His Mother burst into mournful wails at his feet - in the middle of that cold, colorless Hospital corridor. His Father had taken his Wrath on the Omega Police Officer, shouting things Jimin had completely blocked off his Radar.
Everything came back to him violently - suddenly. The Dirty Soreness under his waistline. The Angry Purple Bruises that shouldn’t be there, in places not even his hand was Brave enough to touch like that. Not even Ice had marked him that way - ever.
The realization of his Cruel Predicament scared him. His scent that wasn’t purely his - Sweet with just his Jasmines - made him sick in his stomach. The whole tiny room spun around him even though he was lying horizontally in a hard examination bed, dressed in an uncomfortable white hospital gown.
That had been more Traumatic than what had been done to him the night before.
That room… The Omega Doctor with her gloved hands between his legs, his Mother sniffling and pushing his hair back, holding his hand…
He didn’t want this.
He didn’t want to be the Pitiable Victim.
He didn’t want that Forensic Examination.
He didn’t want to press charges.
His R… The Assailant was probably a Rich, Spoiled Alpha that Justice couldn’t catch. Jimin’s Family didn’t have the money for Courts. They weren’t Poor. But they weren’t exactly rolling in it either. They were giving everything for his Expensive Skating Academy anyway. And he, himself, couldn’t afford the whole Drama of that Heinous Story.
It couldn’t be his Reality.
It wasn’t.
Jimin wouldn’t let it be. He…
He merely wanted to go Home.
He expressed his wishes brokenly, microscopically, with utter Defeat - before the Doctor could begin with the uncomfortable Procedure.
The three of them fell to a grief-stricken Silence immediately after his words. Jimin hadn’t even been to an Omegalogist once. He was Sixteen. He had never… He wanted to never…
Jimin squeezed his eyes shut and prayed his Mom would help him unpin his legs from their supportive, pillowed poles. He didn’t think he could move on his own. His rear would have protested. He just… knew it.
“Baby…” His Mother tried shakily, tearfully - regardless. She was in immense Pain herself. She was a Mother. His Mother. He wouldn’t ever wish for his Harm. And Jimin hated himself for doing this to her. He wanted her to hold him - make him a Nest at Home and never let go. But Jimin couldn’t look at her. He couldn’t fall apart because he was scared and in pain. That would only hurt her, too - more.
“Are you s-sure, Sweetie? If time passes… They… We can’t have the evidence to… If you want to do this later…” She couldn’t even say them. She pressed kiss after kiss at the back of his hand, sniffling back tears against his skin.
Jimin didn’t want to think or say those things either.
“I won’t.”
He promised it - to himself and her. He wouldn’t ever want to dig up that Story. He was sure of it. He didn’t want to relive that day again in his head. Ever!
He moved on with his Life. He left that Incident behind and moved on. He pretended it had never occurred. He convinced himself that what had happened that night was just… The Awful First Time he would rather erase.
Everyone had done it at his age. Even Mia. He told himself he had just gotten the heavy deed out of the way. It was a terrible thing anyway. Whether it was with or without an Alpha of his Choice… It hurt the same. His Omega Friends had been very graphic and straight about it. Losing their Virginity had hurt a lot. It was Bloody, Painful, and no Fun. But they all promised that it got to that enjoyable point.
With practice.
Jimin didn’t entertain that Suggestion not even for a second. He swore that he would die alone - without a single second attempt ever in his Diary!
It was easy.
He worked hard to make it so.
He worked hard physically and mentally. He pressed himself like never before. He buried himself in his Choreographies. He didn’t miss a day. He didn’t miss a chance to get better, faster - sharper in his flow.
Skating had become his Comfort Pill - the Reason he had found the strength to pull himself back up and… go on.
He could feel Hana’s judgmental gaze on him. When he appeared in Class after just a day from that… Party, he understood it all. He decoded her every discreet foul gesture.
It was her.
She wasn’t the Savage Penetrator. But she was the Head of the Plan and the only Cause.
That Disgusting Excuse of an Alpha had been her Friend and Pet.
Jimin discovered it all - through her vile glances, through the subtle, little things he had been too Naïve to notice before his Attack.
All the Violence… The Disorientation… The Confusion… All the Afterpain... It was because of her!
He wouldn’t ever say the word.
He wouldn’t ever call it what it was.
It was the only way to keep himself afloat.
He deluded himself that he was like his Friends - the Typical Teenager with the Horrible Virginity Loss Experience.
Period.
He never spoke a word about it to anyone. Not even to Mia. No one could know. Because… He had nothing to tell. A First Time he could not recall wasn’t an Experience. It was a State.
Jimin wasn’t a Virgin anymore.
That was just it. And his Friends didn’t have to know. If they wanted to pair him with an Alpha - find him a Proper Boyfriend through Apps - the excuse was the same as before:
Jimin didn’t have the time for a Relationship.
He only had eyes for his Rehearsals.
He only desired to humiliate Hana with his Capabilities on the Ice.
She had tried to break him out of Jealousy. He would break her where it hurt the most for the Hell he had given him.
He made her feel her Inferiority under her skin. He wouldn’t look at her. He wouldn’t talk to her. He had blocked her from everywhere. If she approached his Circle, he made it clear he had his Ice Skates to tie or stretches to perform.
He made her see he wasn’t an Easy Game. He made her see she hadn’t won. That little sick trick she had pulled on him had only made her spot worse because Jimin made twice the effort to shine brighter than her.
He got all the Praise.
She could only get second place on his watch.
When he couldn’t practice, he ran through the moves in his head. It was all he would let himself think until he could fall asleep.
He would only head to bed when he was on the brink of collapsing from Exhaustion. It was the only way for him to keep the Bad Dreams away. He wanted to sleep more. But the more he did, the more he would wake up remembering Variants of that one and real Atrocity. His Terror. His Screams. Those sinister, disgusting eyes on top of him.
Jimin couldn’t have that.
So… He kept himself Busy. Mind and body had to be doing something at all times. He didn’t allow himself to stay with his thoughts not even for a second. He had started to eat more to counterbalance the lack of sleep. He was Careful. He had to remain in an idyllic shape.
But something wasn’t rolling right with his body.
After two and a half months, he realized that all the nausea, the fatigue, the sudden midday naps - which were fully Nightmare-free, just Pure Blackness actually - had a Cause.
And it was only partly because he was pushing himself too hard.
His Heat was late. He needed something Sweet badly after Rehearsals. For about two weeks, it had become a Routine for his Appa to drive them to their favorite Patisserie close to their Home after each Skate Class. Jimin would tell him what he craved. And his Appa would be back in the car with his order.
It was mostly always something with Strawberries. Lila Ice Cream. Strawberry Pie. Strawberry Cake. Strawberry Tart. Strawberry Cheesecake. Pavlova. Jimin couldn’t keep up.
Nor did he wish to.
He only enjoyed his Happy Time, humming around each mouthful - sitting in the front seat. His Father would always bring him a plastic spoon with his Strawberry Order so he could eat in the car on their way Home.
Following his lead, his Parents had buried the Achy Subject under the rug. Jimin could detect a slight Awkwardness. They didn’t know how to face such a… Trauma either. But they were trying to be there for him and act as normally as possible around him - like before.
Jimin wanted his days to be like before.
Though… Little Actions of a Remaining Fear would betray their Inability to leave what had happened behind.
It haunted them, too.
His Father would lock the car each time Jimin stayed inside to wait for him and his Dessert outside the dark - but busy - street of the Patisserie. He would come to pick him up from his Skating Lessons straight out of Work. He used to be ten minutes late at most because of some work-related delays. He wouldn’t be late, not even by a minute, those last two and a half months. His Mother would scent his Nest without him having to ask each night. She used to do it when he was Four, Tiny, and utterly Afraid of the Boogeyman under his bed.
She had stopped when she had made sure his Fear wasn’t there anymore.
Jimin didn’t know that he would need her back like that. He had never thought that he would believe that the Boogeyman was Real and it had gotten him.
It had tainted him.
Jimin would scrub himself red each night in the shower. And his Mom wouldn’t yell at him to hurry downstairs because his dinner was getting cold. She would wordlessly reheat it upon his arrival around the table.
His Parents were Good People. Supportive. They had their Flaws. Jimin had his Flaws. Everyone had their Flaws and Demons to fight off. But the problem was how they loved him to a fault.
They loved him too much - more than they should have.
They put him first - over a Tiny Piece of himself that wasn’t at fault. His Baby could have just been his Baby and no one else’s.
They hadn’t been Right to that Soul like they had been to him.
They hadn’t considered it a Living Being.
A Human Being.
It was easier to dehumanize it. Call it an ‘It’. A Fetus. A Clump of Cells!
Jimin was a Clump of Cells! One that hadn’t stopped growing, changing, and evolving since the day - the exact moment of his Conception.
And Fetus was Latin for Baby by the way.
It had taken him a while. It had taken him three years to sit and open the Pandora’s Box.
But he had found the Strength.
He needed it to heal the Wound that hadn’t stopped bleeding ever since he did what he did at Sixteen. Since it was given to him as the Only Option - his Only Chance to live the Life he had dreamed of. As an Ice Skater.
As a Mother…
There was nothing he could do.
He was too Young. Too Emotional. Too Broken to bear the Unplanned Cargo.
The Unwanted Mistake.
The Product of his Rape!
He could let it go.
The Responsibility. The Stress. The Guilt.
He could let them all go and pretend - for yet another time - like the Tragedy hadn’t knocked on his door.
No. No.
He hadn’t been raped.
He hadn’t been Pregnant at Sixteen.
All he had ever wanted to be was a Skating Prodigy. And he could continue being just that.
His Parents promised him that.
When he blacked out in the middle of the hard Ice, he opened his eyes to a hospital bed with his Mother weeping quietly against the rachis of his palm.
His Mother couldn’t speak. She couldn’t even look at him.
But his Father…
His Father was out of his mind with Rage and Sadness.
Jimin had never seen him that Angry. That Devastated. That Crestfallen.
Never before his Sweet Appa had been that… Heartless and Attuned to another Human Being’s Misfortune. His Son’s Unfair and Violent Injustice!
At some point, he noticed how the disoriented gaze of Jimin was on him. And immediately, he had rushed to his side. He brushed his hair off his forehead with an evident Anxiety. Jimin wanted to ask what had happened. He didn’t know yet.
He was again in a Hospital - in that ugly, uncomfortable hospital gown.
His Father tried to smile reassuringly. It came out like the saddest grin in the whole, wide World.
Eventually, he placed a kiss on his forehead.
When he pulled back, Jimin tiredly opened his mouth only for his Appa to hurriedly hush him with a soft, balmy sound, petting his head.
“It’s okay. You’re okay. They will take it out.”
Jimin hadn’t forgotten those words. They kept tormenting his bones - his Vilest Dreams - to that day, at Twenty-three.
He remembered his Mother calling his Father’s name at that moment. She had something to say. But his Father didn’t want to hear it. They had that Conversation before Jimin had gained his Consciousness - it appeared. And his Father had given to him the Only Road.
It was a Command.
It was him knowing best his Welfare.
Jimin believed him. He put everything in his Parents’ hands. He accepted everything. With shaky fingers, he signed what he was supposed to sign. It was because he couldn’t handle that Reality. It was because he didn’t know back then. It was because… He was promised they could be on their way in a few hours.
And all he wanted back then was to go Home.
He had zero interest in learning the Cruel Procedure.
They told him they would put him to sleep. And when he would be up, they could go Home. They made it sound like he had to take his Tonsils or Appendicitis out. He had a Bad Tooth that needed treatment. Nothing great. Nothing much.
It was a Reasonable Thing to throw out of the oven the Half-baked Cake.
Years later, he learned that his Parents had requested the General Anesthesia. They would’ve given him an Injection or Medication to perform the Aspiration. But his Parents must have explained the Occurrence of that Pregnancy to the Doctors.
Everyone that day made it easier for him to support his Illusions - construct a Safe Headspace where he didn’t have to think and feel a single thing.
His Appa said that he could skate tomorrow. He made it seem as if an Embryo was something Harmful they had to take out.
To his Life’s Dream, it was a Catastrophic Scenario indeed.
And his Parents had always been very supportive of that Dream. Just not any other Dream.
Possibility A was getting blocked by Possibility B. And so… One had to go. Jimin couldn’t have both.
A Baby didn’t fit in a Baby’s World.
Jimin was only just a Kid. A Pup with Big Ambitions and Desire to work hard on himself. He couldn’t focus on the things that couldn’t get him to his Destination. He couldn’t follow a Different Path when he had come so far. Jimin had been ice dancing since he could remember himself.
He didn’t know how to do anything else - be anything else. He couldn’t think of himself as anything other than a Figure Skater ever.
Jimin closed his eyes and ears that day.
He did what he had to.
He had only ever seen his Signature on his Identification Card, at Thirteen. It was Neat and Pretty back then. But at that moment - on the paper he hadn’t bothered to read - it looked like a Filthy Catastrophe.
And Jimin didn’t know what to feel - how to exist with that Ridiculous Blotch of his Supposed Consent across his gaze.
His Father had taken the paper slowly. He had helped him unclench his fingers off the pen. And everything had become a Blurry Nightmare from that point on.
He had regained the reins of himself only when his Appa had tucked him in his bed - in his Nest - at Home. His Sedated Wolf began to fidget and protest only then, Edgy and Aware of the Pup they didn’t have in them anymore.
Jimin clenched his blanket to his chest and bit back his Omega’s Cry until… Until he couldn’t anymore.
He knew. Even back then, he somewhat knew the Gravity of his Action. He merely didn’t want to admit it to himself. He merely didn’t want to believe it was true until the Pain left him with no other choice but to acknowledge the Elephant in the room.
The Cramps were Real.
The only Evidence of what used to be there hit him hard like a punch in the gut. He cried like he hadn’t two and a half months ago. He screamed and mourned with all the power of his Soul - for their whole Apartment Building to hear - scratching his abdomen manically under his shirt.
His Parents fussed around him. He couldn’t quite hear them. But when they tried to force a Painkiller down his throat, he flung it across the room along with the glass of water in his Mother’s hands.
It hurt. It hurt in his chest. It hurt in his stomach.
It hurt in his Soul.
But that Pain was the only Reminder. The Only Hole in his perfectly sculptured Scenario. His Lie.
He didn’t want that Pain to go.
It was his Only Truth.
His Parents watched him helplessly as he tore off his Nest. He roared louder than the Thunderclouds outside, throwing clothes and blankets on the floor. He ended up off his bed at some point, too. Perhaps, he had fallen. Perhaps… He was exactly where he wanted to be. He remembered watching the Rainstorm wilding outside his windowpane. It had quietened him down. He had become one with the carpeted floor, curled on his side - eyes glued to the Black, November Sky.
He had started to love and hate the sight of it ever since.
He had picked himself back up again. He had fallen into the same Obsessive Motif where his Daily Routine was all about his Pirouettes. He had done what he could again - to cope. But when Hana pulled up to the Academy with that Alpha one day, he slammed on his brakes and did a 180.
He had enough.
It was a Good Skating School. The Best in Busan. But he didn’t want to go back there. And his Parents understood the reason without having to communicate it in words.
They gathered what was left of their Peaceful Life and moved to Seoul.
Hana had gotten her way in Busan. She could be the Best there. But Jimin got to get a New Start.
His Slate couldn’t be spotlessly clean.
What had happened couldn’t be undone.
He couldn’t ever forget. But he could let time numb his Pain. He could let his Sharp Skates make him Happy again.
He didn’t know if he had succeeded fully in that Aspect.
November still ached irreversibly.
If the Rain was too Heavy, if his Mood seemed to align with the floor, if he didn’t want to go outside and practice in the Stadium November was at fault.
He thought he had left it somewhat behind him. Especially after Therapy, after seven years, after Jungkook.
Every Rainy, November day felt like Purgatory.
It had only gotten worse at Nineteen - when he decided to unearth everything because the Drop-dead Gorgeous Alpha, who had been after him for months, had made the most Innocent and Sweetest Mistake.
Jeon Jungkook had taken him Home for the Holidays - to the Mansion where he had grown up. With his Parents, Grandparents, and all of his Cousins and Uncles and Aunties and…
Newborn Omega Twin Nieces.
It had been too much.
It had been Horrible when Jimin couldn’t even hear a Baby’s cry on the TV let alone… Watch it live before his eyes - nestled in his Boyfriend’s arms, wailing quietly at an Alpha that could only be a Blessing to the World.
Jungkook had the widest, bunny grin across that Tiny Bundle of Warmth.
And Jimin…
Jimin wanted to throw up.
He had bolted for the exit. Without a word, he had left everyone inside that Royal Dining Room as if he had been caught on fire.
He couldn’t do this.
The lump in his throat was choking him.
Jimin wasn’t what Jungkook wanted. He couldn’t be.
He didn’t deserve it!
He was too Broken. He had way too much Trauma stored up in his Wounded Heart. Jimin would only drag such a Powerful, Beautiful, and Capable Man down. And he…
Jimin couldn’t do such an Injustice to him.
He had been wronged too viciously to wish for such a Fiery Soul to stick to his side.
He liked Jungkook already.
He was in love with the Alpha’s everything.
He had fallen for his round eyes, his bright smiles - his gentle hands and soft-spoken words.
It hadn’t been easy to reciprocate the Alpha’s Persistent Courting. He couldn’t trust Alphas for the Life of his. His Only Love Interest remained his Figure Skating Dance. He only had time to give to his Vibrant Figure Skating Dresses. He only had feelings to give to his Ice Skates.
But Jeon Jungkook appeared. And it seemed as if that Handsome, Talented Free Spirit had made it his Mission to crack him open and have him out of his shell - as his Boyfriend - no matter what wall Jimin decided to impose on his path.
Sweetly, he had gotten him. Gently, he had nudged him into his arms despite his countless Fears and Inhibitions over them.
Jungkook was Brilliant and Kind. Determined and Valliant. Patient and Sweet. Romantic… To the Core.
His very Artistic Core.
It was impossible to say no to him. Jimin had given him a Date - a Chance. And he was done for, gone for that Open and Ambitious Heart, ever since.
Jungkook was just two years older than him. Yet, his Charm and Wittiness had taken Jimin by storm. His Mother and Sisters had dragged him to his Winter Olympics. He had seen him on Ice whirling, glowing - at his Happiest. He must have thought that that was Jimin - a Pretty, Cyan Cygnet full of Light. He had admired his Elegance. He had dropped on the floor for his Radiant Charisma. But when the curtains fell, only his Parents knew the Truth.
How he didn’t know how to exist outside his Figure Skates.
How he didn’t have Friends in Seoul - just Acquaintances.
How he didn’t want to leave his bedroom walls if he didn’t have Rehearsals to attend.
What did Jungkook like exactly?
Jimin was in denial for months about his Feelings.
With a wary mind, he would accept the Alpha’s Flowers. He didn’t know why. But his Omega seemed to adore the scent on them. That Little Harlot drew Comfort and Satisfaction with every whiff.
From day one, the Woody Petrichor on every Rose was Ecstasy - something peculiarly healing and triggering at once.
Jungkook was…
A Big Question Mark from the start like that. To his Wolf. To his mind. To his Instincts. Jimin wanted to push him away and tug him close. Simultaneously.
It was…
Confusing and terrifying.
Jimin wanted to run. But his legs wouldn’t budge each time the Alpha came near with a New Lonely Red Rose.
He wanted to hit him with it right in the nose. But the Flowers were getting prettier and prettier in his eyes, somehow. Hugging them to his chest to the best of his ability seemed the only option each time.
He wanted to tell him to fuck off. But each time a dinner proposal popped up, Jimin couldn’t articulate the blunt, straightforward No.
He…
He wanted to love and be loved.
He wanted to try.
He was just scared. He didn’t want to open up too much. He didn’t know where to begin. He…
He couldn’t understand how Jungkook despite his walls seemed Capable of peeking into his Soul. It was as if he could read the Real Him behind the lines. Decode his every eye-roll. It was scary. But it felt good, too.
Jimin rewarded his Gentle Patience after four months of that weird Game of Push and Pull. They would merely text before officially going out. Not much. It was mostly Jungkook doing all the talking. Jimin would smile at his screen, offering the shortest replies. Yet, somehow, it was enough. The Omega swore Jungkook could see his Collected Excitement from the other end of Seoul.
And their Dates were Wonderful.
Jungkook was Wonderful.
The Silence was never Awkward around that Alpha. Not even once he felt bad about his Pauses. Jungkook knew how to press all the right buttons. Jimin should feel Doubtful of his Capability to handle him with Effortless Attentiveness.
He should feel like… Someone who wanted to sing on a Stage for hours, who had Tattoos all over, who would bring him Roses and call him Beautiful… Couldn’t be Capable of sticking with One.
All Artists were Crazy. Narcissistic. Players.
That was what he thought.
But the only Signal he ever received from Jungkook was that he was a Reliable Partner on the Iced Floor - a Trustworthy Alpha in Life. He knew all the moves. He had practiced relentlessly. And there he was, holding the Omega’s Strings between his strong palms.
Jimin let him own them.
When Jungkook kissed him on a Rooftop Restaurant under the Stars for the first time, Jimin felt his Heart beating again. He felt it throbbing in his neck. He watched the Tiny City Lights from the Security of the Alpha’s arms. And he finally understood what Happiness should look like.
It should feel like Tiny Moments with Someone - the Alpha that could make words redundant, time endless, and worries non-existent.
That was Jungkook’s Magic.
When he was with Jungkook, he didn’t have to obsess over his moves to keep himself afloat. When he was with Jungkook, he could feel… Light. He could stop thinking. He could stop trying to be Someone he was not. Someone… Undamaged.
Jungkook seemed able to see him for who he was.
He wasn’t trying to fix him. He was merely trying to love him with his Flaws.
And Jimin could feel Free in his arms. He could feel better than what he felt when he danced on the stone-cold floor.
Jungkook had seen him. All of him.
And he wanted him.
Who he was… What he had done… Those things didn’t matter near that Empathetic Alpha.
Jungkook wasn’t trying to love his Past. He just wanted to love and keep loving the Present Jimin. The Future Jimin. The Calm Jimin.
He had seen him. All of him.
And he had accepted him the way he was. With his Mistakes and Insecurities. With his Scars and Incapability to express himself, from time to time, using words or gestures.
Jimin wanted to give him everything he had in return.
And he did.
He would even ditch Rehearsals for a Date with Jungkook. The Twenty-one-year-old Alpha was a Hard-working Man. He was about to debut with his First Album. His Schedule was heavy every day. On the other hand, Jimin had his Relentless Rehearsals to entertain. But he would drop everything despite his Ambitions because he… kind of - enjoyed how he could act like the Unruly Teenager he never got to be.
He hadn’t ever done that. The… Staying out late. The… Dropping Skating Classes. The… Unreliable Excuses.
His Parents were worried. They thought he was retreating to depressing waters for yet another time. He wanted to tell them that it wasn’t like that. But he didn’t want to get their Hopes up.
What if it didn’t work out with Jungkook? What if the Alpha couldn’t walk with his Truth?
Jimin didn’t want to worry them. But he didn’t want to break their Heart either.
He knew how they wanted his Happiness. They wanted him to be like the Omegas his age. Go out and have fun. Be Silly and Carefree with an Alpha by his side. He was only Nineteen. But he was living like a Granny, going to bed at 10 PM.
When he told them he wouldn’t be there for Christmas, the Worry threatened to choke them both. So, Jimin decided to throw caution to the wind and tell them.
He had years to see such Relief on their faces - such Happiness. His Mother had even cried in his arms. His Father tried to restrain his Hopes.
He needed to know something first.
“Is he Nice?”
Jimin read the real question mark behind his words.
Is he a Good Alpha to you?
Jimin nodded with a tiny smile. That was what his Father wanted to know. He captured his palms between his larger own and kissed them both. That was what every Father wanted for their Children.
As he numbly followed the paved driveway to where he and Jungkook had entered the Mansion in one of his sports cars, he hugged himself and wondered how to tell his Parents he couldn’t keep a Relationship because Babies would always get in the way at some point of the Story.
No…
He didn’t quite wonder about that. He couldn’t wonder about that. He didn’t want to think about that.
He buried his face in his palms and continued walking with unsteady feet to where the Main Gate should be. He couldn’t see it. They had taken a few turns when they had entered the main driveway. That Resident was Huge! With tall trees around and flowers and birds. It was beautiful.
It was…
Another Reason he didn’t belong there.
It was bigger than the biggest Home Jimin had ever seen. Bigger than Hana’s Home…
No!
His feet stomped on the stony ground, stopping dead in their tracks. He didn’t want to think about her. He rubbed his eyes to will his tears away. He didn’t want to go there.
But the Universe seemed to hate him that day.
When he opened his eyes a Blue-eyed Ragdoll Cat had settled before his feet with one of her Tiny Kittens in her mouth. Two others were trying to catch up to their Mother with their microscopic legs, wobbling from the tree line at his right.
Jimin wanted to scream.
He pivoted on his heel abruptly and crashed directly into the firm chest of his Boyfriend.
His Alpha.
Jimin knew it was him.
His Omega knew it.
His Wolf could smell him. His Virile, Upset Petrichor. The undertones of his Sweet, Concerned Sandalwood.
How long had he been standing there?
For how fucking long had he been after him? Silently… Like this?
Jimin couldn’t look up.
He couldn’t bring himself to breathe let alone move. He eased every muscle of his body and let his head fall forward, forehead pressing softly on top of Anxious Heartbeats.
They were worried for him.
Jungkook was not… Mad for leaving him like that in front of his whole Family.
That Perfect Alpha was just… Sad as he was inside.
It was as if he could feel it.
It was probably because he could smell it in his scent.
Jungkook deserved the Pedestal - where Jimin had placed him in his head.
They didn’t spend Christmas with their Families that year. Jungkook carried him to the car as if he were his Precious Bride. He strapped him in his seat as he mumbled something softly to his Mother that had neared them hesitantly - with the same discreet worry in his pose and tone.
It wasn’t hard to imagine from where Jungkook had adopted his Chivalrous Gentleness.
They went to their Dear Rooftop Restaurant. It was also a Hotel. Jimin hadn’t ever noticed it. All he cared to look at when they were on their Dates was Jungkook and Jungkook alone.
He didn’t panic when, instead of the open, table-filled area of the top floor, they found themselves in a Golden Suite, which had an identical, majestic view of the City. It was midday. But the clouds on the horizon were keeping everything dark and ominous. Jimin hoped it wouldn’t rain.
God should fulfill him at least that tiny wish.
Jungkook still had him in his arms. A Guard had helped them in. But they were alone as the Alpha walked them to the bedroom - to the bed.
Jimin didn’t panic.
He buried his nose in the Alpha’s neck and drew in his soothing Pheromones. All they had done as Boyfriends for months was kiss, hug, and hold hands. He didn’t have a reason not to show Jungkook Complete Trust. At that moment, he didn’t feel anything other than Jungkook’s Pseudo-calmness - the one he wanted to transmit to him through his scent.
Jimin didn’t have the energy to face his Fears and make improbable Scenarios in his head. He closed his eyes and stayed quiet.
He wanted to trust Jungkook with his Wolf and Heart.
And so he did.
It was easy when he didn’t have recollections. What had been done to him all those years back by that Rotten Alpha felt… Almost Surreal. Hana had been Good in her Wickedness. She had probably put something in the drink she had given him to put him to sleep.
He couldn’t remember the Horrors.
All he had was the Painful Aftermath.
But it was different with the Pregnancy.
With the Pup he could remember everything.
With the Pup he had… felt everything.
His Tiredness. His need to nest solely with his scent all around him. The tiddliest baby bump that he would foolishly pass for weight gain.
The Strawberries.
Jimin couldn’t forget the Strawberries.
His Baby would have… It would have been someone who liked the Strawberries. Wouldn’t it?
Or perhaps it would have come out to smell precisely like them.
It was the first time. The first time he had let himself think of it that deeply - all because the Gentlest Alpha in the World looked good with a Pink Baby in his arms.
The Guilt was breaking him in two.
He squeezed his eyes shut as Jungkook sat him on the bed. He quickly removed some pillows and rearranged a few vertically against the soft-looking headboard. Jungkook settled himself there, back against the headboard and pillows - with his clothes and all. He raised his head and pierced him with his soft gaze. He smiled gently and made silly fucking grabby hands at him to lure him to his lap - in his arms.
Jimin took the bait.
He felt a tear escaping him as his cheek collided with that hard chest. He didn’t throw himself to his lap. He slipped off his shoes and crawled to the space next to the Alpha. Their hips touched as he curled himself all around his torso. A half side-hug. They were chest-to-chest. Heartbeat-to-Heartbeat. Their arms were around one another. And that was all that mattered.
They spent the day like this, holding each other - feeding each other. When the Rain fell, they drew the curtains. And when the night surprised them, they texted their Parents that they would stay together for the night.
Like a Family of two on Christmas.
They didn’t exchange a single word about anything important. They didn’t mind the Silence as long as it had them hugging in it.
It was them and their Bubble - against the World.
Worries could jump themselves.
A few serene moments before falling asleep, Jungkook told him that if he didn’t like the Kitties he would kick them out for him. Jimin snorted and hugged him tighter under the covers, drawing tired circles on the Alpha’s clothed breast.
After that day, he decided to go to Therapy. He didn’t want to be a Broken Omega next to Jungkook. His Latest Goal had become his Remedy. He dreamed of loving that Alpha sincerely and wholeheartedly with the Truth as their Reference Point.
He couldn’t do that if he couldn’t let go of the Past and his Guilt.
Was there a point in Regret anyway?
He couldn’t build a Time Machine.
That Tiny, Inimitable Life was forever gone.
The hardest part was doing his Homework on his Sin.
At Nineteen, he went back into the Past willingly. He searched every Book and every Article on Google. He shouldn’t be doing this to himself. But he saw Videos and heard Podcasts. He stayed staring at Pictures for hours.
Sonograms.
Of Week 10.
He couldn’t look away.
Because there it was.
His Little Possibility.
A Tiny Something that had a Heartbeat.
It would have liked the Strawberries outside of his belly, too.
Jimin couldn’t understand why he had all the Rights he had… And why that Defenseless, Harmless Thing had none.
At Week 21, they could feel Pain.
At Week 21, ‘Doctors’ would kill them by chopping their little arms and legs off them. Without giving them any Pain Medication, they would pull every piece of them out until they got to the head. Until they had to crush it with the pliers. It was the only way to fit it through the dilated cervix.
Jimin had a long way ahead of him.
It was difficult to stomach everything. It was twice as hard to swallow around the fact that he had allowed that Atrocity to happen to a Piece of his Soul.
It wasn’t…
His Body, his Choice.
That Idiotic Motto couldn’t have been more wrong.
That Little Thing had been something that happened to be in his body.
It wasn’t his body that got squeezed to death.
Jimin gathered himself and told Jungkook everything.
At that point, Jungkook had put together parts of the Story himself. He wasn’t Stupid. An Omega’s Family didn’t look that Thrilled to meet the Boyfriend. The Father of an Omega didn’t hug the Alpha Boyfriend in the doorway, seeing him out after dinner with tears in his eyes.
Jungkook knew something wasn’t right from the start. He knew he had a Heavy Past. It was apparent. It was in his Introversion. His Hesitance to open up. His Inability to share even small things about himself.
It was in the way he reacted around his Family on Christmas day.
Jungkook could tell. He could suspect the reasons. And he had let Jimin lead their Pace.
Jungkook was always Patient. Always Compassionate. Always Sweet and Soft. He wouldn’t pressure him for anything. He wouldn’t demand anything. He had the gentlest tone around him always. And he just wanted to be close to the Omega even if they weren’t talking. Even if all they were going to do was pass a sunny afternoon in a corner Café, just the two of them, holding hands.
It was a surprising trait for an Alpha. But Jungkook had the Emotional Intelligence of an Omega. And Jimin loved him deeply for it.
Jungkook could wait for him. For as long as he wanted to.
And when...
When it was Perfect and Beautiful… When he had made it clear, in his Heart, that Jungkook wouldn’t ever leave him… When he had given himself to him, body and Soul… When their knotted nakedness didn’t scare him to his bones anymore… He confessed his Cross.
He told him his Story.
He let everything out to his First Love.
He let him know about the Rape he couldn’t remember and the Person he had killed.
He let him hear how… When he was Sixteen… He would have had a Baby.
His Pup could have still been there to love everything with Strawberries in it.
And he…
He wouldn’t have come to hate the November Rain.