Chapter Text
Shouto kissed him fully on the lips. The man - Aaron ? - slid an arm around her waist and pressed their hips together. This is nice, she thought as Aaron started mouthing at her jawline, progressively going down to a sensitive spot on her neck. She must have had reacted in some way because gentle lips quickly turned into grazing teeth over her throat and she shivered. The wall's cold behind me, she noted absent-mindedly. She could still hear the music of the club blaring just a few doors away from the secluded area they had hidden into. She lowered her hands from Aaron's shoulders to his pectorals, petting at the fabric of his shirt. His hair smells like shampoo and sweat. Shouto was trying to determine what room they were into exactly when Aaron shifted his position and all of her attention was back on him in an instant, especially on the bulge in his pants that was now pressed to her thigh. Shit. Shouto repressed the faint wave of nausea rising up her throat. I can do this, she reminded herself, this is fine.
Carding fingers trough Aaron's hair, she softly pulled him away from her to get an access to his lips and squashed their mouths together. Shouto couldn't seem to forget about the pressure on her thigh though, and when Aaron's whispered "Do you wanna get out of here ?" ghosted over her lips she jerked back, hand sliding off Aaron's hair. This is normal, she reminded herself, I'm just anxious because I've never done this before. Her chest twisted unpleasantly at Aaron's confused face. He was handsome, eyes a deep shade of brown that had made her heart skip a beat when she first saw him at the bar.
"What's going on, honey ?". His voice was raspy, and in the dim light Shouto realized he was flushed. Unease curled at the bottom of her throat.
"I-", she started before realizing she didn't know what to say. After a moment of silence Aaron frowned, stepping away completely and readjusting his rumpled clothes. He sighed.
"I think I should leave". Shouto's hand twitched, the sudden urge to do something and make him stay invading her senses but her limbs were heavy, feet rooted to the floor and unmoving, voice nowhere to be found. Aaron took one conflicted, last look at her before turning away. She watched as he disappeared behind the corner, anguish crawling in her chest. The sound of his footsteps faded away soon enough and the room felt suddenly too small, walls narrowing down on her and she gasped, lifting her wrist to her mouth to bite down on it, hard. Pain cut sharp through her rising panic and she started breathing slowly, releasing her wrist when she could focus again on the muffled music of the bar.
She needed to get out of here.
A bit shakily, she started walking, ignoring everyone and everything as she stumbled her way out of the night club. The cold night air was gripping, washing over the clammy disgust that clung to her clothes and skin. Taking a few blind steps forward, she barely heard the car barreling down the street with blaring music before it dashed past her and she stopped abruptly, almost losing balance on her thigh boots.
"Shouto !", someone shouted and she turned around to see Momo rushing towards her, "Are you alright ?!". A hand materialized on Shouto’s shoulder and she flinched. The hand was away in an instant. "It’s okay, I’m here". Momo’s soft voice was soothing and Shouto progressively went back to her senses, acknowledging her friend who was standing in front of her with a troubled expression. Shouto glanced at the entrance of the club behind Momo, blinking at the colorful neon signs begging for attention. It was then that she took notice of the few people sending them looks of all sorts, from genuinely worried stares to shameless ogling. Someone whistled. Shouto curled up a bit on herself.
"Let’s get out of here, yes ?". Shouto glanced back at Momo to see her scrunching up her nose in disgust, hand tight on the handle of her purse.
"Y-yeah", Shouto mumbled. She sounded faint and faraway, even to her own ears. Momo either didn’t notice or chose not to comment, instead leading Shouto to the other side of the street where it was quieter.
"What’s the address of your new apartment again ?", Momo was scrolling through her phone, "I can call you a cab if you want". Shouto froze, the perspective of being alone with a stranger in a closed- "I’ll come with you. I can go home afterwards it’s no trouble". Shouto released a shaky breath.
"I-thanks". Momo smiled warmly at her, though it did not quite reach her eyes. There were a few heartbeats of uncomfortable silence between them before Momo spoke again, voice careful.
"I'm sorry to ask, but did the man-"
"No", Shouto evacuated immediately, "He was nice. Did not insist when...", she looked down, cheeks burning with shame.
"If you need-"
"I'm good, just bring me home", Shouto interrupted. Too harsh. "Please"
"...okay, what’s your new address then ?"
*
Shouto staggered inside her apartment, trying not to make any noise as she closed the door behind her in case her roommate was sleeping. Which was likely, since it was - Shouto glanced at the clock on the wall briefly - almost four on a Tuesday morning, shit. She quickly made her way to the bathroom, almost forgetting to take off her clothes before stepping into the shower, turning the water to scalding hot. She scrubbed roughly at her skin with soap, and when this wasn’t enough to get rid of the phantom touches brushing across her body she shifted the water to ice cold. She gritted her teeth at the painful feeling, soon reveling in the numbness taking over her limbs. When she realized she might fall asleep just like that she turned the shower off. Deciding that removing her make-up would have to wait until she could face herself in a mirror, she went to her room and slipped in her bed. Fortunately, she was exhausted enough to fall asleep without any wandering thoughts crawling in her mind.
*
She was woken up next morning by a shriek that resonated throughout the apartment. She sat up in a daze, groaning at the dull pain in her head. Her eyes fell on the light-up screen of her phone and the blurred notifications of Momo’s messages. Memories from last night started rushing back and she quickly shoved them aside, getting out of her bed to dress up.
A few minutes later she slipped into the living-room, dragged herself to the kitchen counter and started making coffee. The water had just started to boil when she heard the bathroom door open and close. Small steps edged towards the living-room.
"Oh, Shouto ! Good morning ! I’m sorry did I wake you up ? I got surprised with the water in the shower, it was set to freezing for some reason, I don’t-oh". Izuku - Shouto’s new roommate that she had met just a month ago - stopped talking, instead blinking a few
times at Shouto who was suddenly feeling very self-conscious. Izuku was dressed up in an over-sized shirt that almost reached her knees and showed a lot of her neckline, briefly distracting Shouto from what Izuku was saying.
"...-didn’t know you had a boyfriend-or girlfriend ! I wouldn’t want to assume anything, I’m cool with everything you know, I actually like both-wait you didn’t ask for anything, what was I...oh right, a boyfriend, or maybe just someone that-you’re very pretty so-I mean-", Izuku rambled, red-faced and hands fiddling with the hem of her shirt. "...should I expect someone else to come out of your bedroom ?", she finally settled on, glancing back at Shouto’s bedroom door and Shouto clenched her teeth at the implication. She’d rather have stayed distracted.
"No", Shouto snapped, turning back to the coffee and hiding her face behind long strands of red hair. Izuku didn’t say anything after that and Shouto was quick to finish her coffee.
She went back to her room, going out a few minutes later to enter the bathroom. Her eyes landed on the mirror and she froze at her reflection. She looked a bit restless and untidy in her pajamas but that wasn’t the problem, neither was the smudged eyeliner and mascara around her eyes that weren’t exactly flattering. No, the problem was the several love bites scattered across her neck, reddish and there. She thought back of the man from yesterday, a pair of brown eyes glinting in the darkness and she repressed a wince.
He’d been the third this month, fired up with desire just like the others, craving hands and lips roaming over Shouto’s body. Shouto felt disgusted with herself at the memory. My body. This is my body.
For some reason, Shouto had been convinced that this time was special. But nothing changed, did it ? She was just a broken, frigid woman who’ll never find love because she was an anxious coward. Everyone wanted sex, everyone said it was fun and yet Shouto stayed stuck in her head, a jagged and unfitting piece in society’s puzzle.
Weak, Enji’s voice boomed in her head, You don't love me, do you ?, another voice echoed and she reached for the sink, splashing cold water over her face to get rid of her thoughts. Her mind wandered off to Izuku’s flustered expression, images of bright pink cheeks and delicate fingers fidgeting around making her insides feel warm and cozy. It was easy to daydream about Izuku’s body pressed to her side, Shouto realized. Izuku would feel comfortable and soft, easing Shouto with light giggles, whispered nothings and oh.
Maybe I just don’t like men.