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Alone. That is how she felt, and she had honestly never felt more alone in her life. The city streets below her were bustling with activity, everyone getting ready for one of the biggest events in their culture. It wasn’t a joyous occasion, not by any stretch of the imagination. The energy that spread through the city wasn’t one of celebration, it was one of contemplation. Where do they go from here? What happens next? Those were two questions that Clarke wished she knew the answers to, but she didn’t. Lexa would know, Lexa always knew.
Six months ago Clarke would never have pictured herself sitting where she was, with the feelings that she was currently battling flowing through her. Leaning back in the chair in the dark room she felt her mind take her back to that night. It was cold, it was dark, it was terrifying. The battle against Mount Weather, and the Mountain Men, was finally here. They had been building towards this moment for a couple of weeks. Sacrifices had been made to get them this far. People had died to make this happen. Finn. Gustus. The blood on her hands from that night would never go away. But worse than that, the pain in her heart would remain. She had been betrayed, by someone she cared about, someone she loved. Leaving her people the following day as they arrived back at camp had been one of the hardest things that Clarke had ever done. She didn’t run away from her problems, she faced them head on, but there she had been, running away. With heavy thoughts and an even heavier heart, she had walked away.
She hadn’t had a destination in mind, she just wanted to be gone. She wanted to forget everything, pretend that it never happened. She vanished off into the forest, fending for herself, fighting every day to survive even though she never truly believed that she deserved to. In the three months that she was out there she had decided that she would never place her trust so fully in anyone ever again. Lexa had betrayed her, she had turned her back and walked away, leaving Clarke alone on the Mountain to try and save her people. It had been easier for Clarke to blame everything on Lexa, to hate her, but deep down she knew she never could. There’s a fine line between love and hate, and that is a line that was more abundantly clear when Clarke thought about Lexa than it had been at any previous time in her life. She had tried to fight it, tried to stop it from happening. It had taken her a while to realize that she had fallen in love with the Grounder Commander, and when she did figure it out, it just added to that pain she felt. Lexa could have been so much to Clarke, they could have been so much to each other, but the brunette had made the choice to walk away.
Of course, eventually, she had understood why Lexa did it. As someone who would do, and had done, the most horrific things to save her people, of course Clarke understood why Lexa had taken the deal. It hadn’t made it any easier for her though. When she took away their people, the Grounders and the Sky People, when all of that was removed it was just her and Lexa, and Lexa had left her. Clarke had spent many nights thinking about how she had hoped that the not yet would become soon, would become now. Everything was so much more intense on the ground than she had ever imagined it would be. Time passed so quickly, everything was now. There was no time to think about what the future could hold, no time to consider the events of the past. Every day was precious and every moment had to mean something, you never knew what was going to happen an hour from now, it had taken Clarke a while to realize that.
When she had gone to Polis, which hadn’t been her choice if she was honest, if it had been her choice she would never have set foot in the city, she had sworn to herself that she would ignore her heart. It worked so well for Lexa, so she figured she’d give it a shot. That didn’t last long. After what had been an almost knock-down drag out fight between them, they had reached a balance. It had been slow going, it had been hard work, but they knew that it would be in the best interests of everybody if they worked together. Everything was stripped back, they argued about what had happened, Lexa never apologizing for what she had done. Clarke hadn’t ever expected her to. It had taken a while but Lexa had said that if she’d had to make the decision again, as Lexa rather than Heda, then she would never have left Clarke. That moment had changed everything between them.
Clarke had known that Lexa was a ruthless leader, she had never understood why, not really. During her time in Polis she had finally started to see why. Once she had started to understand Grounder culture a little more, she had found that she understood Lexa more. She had always wondered what Lexa would have been like in a different time or place, if her life hadn’t been that of Heda, the Commander of the Trikru and the leader of the coalition of 12 clans. But part of Clarke knew that Lexa wouldn’t be Lexa if she wasn’t all those things.
The 12 clans became 13, with the addition of the Skaikru, which wasn’t an easy transition at all. But Clarke fought for it, because it was the right thing for her people. Lexa fought for it, with her life, because she believed without question that it was the only way they stood to gain peace for everyone.
That one hopeful moment, that one moment of finding that peace may in fact be possible, was shattered in an instant. Which lead Clarke to where she was now. That aching feeling in her chest, that hole which now felt like it would never be filled, not completely. She had healed from the Mountain, physically and emotionally, it had changed her forever but she had healed. The parts of her that were broken now were parts that may never completely be whole again. It’s why she had hidden herself away, taken herself away from her people. She had tried to stay, tried to witness every moment of what was to come, hoping beyond hope that it would all make it real. But it didn’t seem real. None of it did.
With the Skaikru becoming the 13th clan came some disagreements, differences of opinion within the coalition. As with most things within Grounder culture those difference of opinion led to violence. It was how they survived, it was all they knew. Clarke knew the Skaikru joining the coalition would change everything, she had just never expected it to change like this. For everything that she had gained from it, everything her people had gained, she lost something worth more. Lexa had ridden out with her army to solve yet another dispute. It had happened a lot in recent months, Lexa’s decision on the Mountain having led to what had become, in real terms, almost an all-out civil war. With time, energy and more spilt blood that had passed. Things were still tense, with pockets of resistance still within clans. Lexa had put herself out there, yet again, to save her people. She had told Clarke time and time again that she had lost too much, she had fought too long and hard to form the coalition, to have peace between the clans, for it to all fall apart. So Lexa had done what Lexa did best.
Time after time she returned to Polis, returned to her people, returned to Clarke. Maybe Clarke had become too complacent, but as the months passed, and Lexa returned again and again, the blonde had never expected the last time Lexa returned through the gates of Polis to be the time the Commander came back to say goodbye. Every time she had mounted her horse, every time she had ridden from the walls of the city, she had promised to return. And every time she did. Every time.
A quiet knock on the door snapped Clarke from her thoughts. She shook her head, wiped her eyes and ignored it. But that didn’t stop the door from opening.
“Everyone is looking for you.” Octavia said quietly as she walked into the room, closing the door behind her.
“I know.” Clarke replied, not looking back at her friend.
“Everything is nearly ready.” The younger girl said, walking over to where Clarke was sitting and resting her hand on the back of the chair.
“I know.” Clarke said again, looking towards the window where she could see the first hints of the sunrise.
“Clarke…” Octavia said, putting her hand on the blonde’s shoulder.
“I just…” Clarke started to say, before she had to stop and take a deep breath, “I know I have to do this, I know that. I just…”
She looked over at the bed which was across the other side of the room.
“I don’t know if I can…” she concluded.
“You have to.” Octavia replied, moving round so she was in front of Clarke, she dropped down onto her knees in front of the blonde and looked up into her eyes, “I know this is hard, Clarke, I know that you never expected this to happen… but with everything else that went on, everything that has happened between you and Lexa, the Grounders and the Sky People… at the end of the day she chose you, Clarke, and now you need to do this for her.”
Clarke took a deep breath and nodded slowly, the tears that were burning her eyes starting to fall freely down her face. Octavia slowly reached up and wiped them away.
“You need to let her go, Clarke.” The younger girl said.
x-x-x-x-x-x
The public square was full of people, all with their heads bowed. Children clung to their parents, and a silence unlike anything Clarke had heard before settled over the crowd. Warriors surrounded the pyre that had been set up, all on their knees, swords held out in front of them, heads bowed. Indra stood off to the side of the small raised platform. Octavia looked at Clarke as the blonde stopped walking before going through the pathway which had been left in the crowd. Her jaw was set, her war-paint was fresh and her braids had just been re-done. She looked every inch the leader of her people. Clarke looked at Octavia and nodded a little. The younger girl walked through the crowd and took her place at Indra’s side.
As Clarke walked she kept her eyes forward, people bowed their heads as she passed, but she knew if she looked at anyone her mask would crack and it would all be over. She needed to do this, for Lexa, for her people, for herself. She walked around the pyre to where Indra was standing. Behind the warrior she could see Bellamy, Raven, her mother. All of them looked at her with that look in their eyes which told her that they understood her pain at this moment.
Clarke stepped up onto the small raised platform next to the pyre. She took the knife from its holder which was around her waist. Looking down at the blade in her hand she smiled slightly as she remembered the first time she had seen Lexa with that knife. The day they had first met when Clarke walked into the Commanders tent in the hope of securing safety for her people. With a deep intake of breath, she kept her hands steady as she stepped forward and reached into the open casket which sat atop the funeral pyre. With the blade she cut Lexa’s braid from her hair before placing the knife beneath the Commanders hands which lay on her chest.
“Ai hod yu in.” Clarke said quietly as she looked at Lexa, who looked like she was sleeping, the peaceful look on her face bringing peace to Clarke herself, “ai laik yu, Leksa.”
Holding the braid in her right hand, Clarke looked back at Indra. The older woman stepping forward a little and handing her the burning torch.
“Ste yuj.” Indra said as Clarke took the torch, her words were meant for Clarke and Clarke alone.
The blonde nodded once before turning back to the pyre. With her shoulders back and all the strength she could muster, she took another breath.
“Yu gonplei ste odon.” Clarke said as she lowered the torch and lit the pyre.