Chapter Text
When Buck and Eddie first became official a few months ago, really official, Buck thought, this is it. This is what love is. He couldn't even remember the last time he was that happy, maybe he never even has been.
But then Eddie says he wants to keep this a secret. That he's not ready. And sure, Buck understands that, of course he does, Eddie was one of the people Buck had lied to on his first date with Tommy, so yeah, he understands.
But, recently, It’s almost become physically draining to Buck. Keeping secrets like this. He is so proud of his relationship with Eddie. He gets it, Eddie isn't ready. But, he doesn’t have to avoid Buck at all costs when they aren't alone because he’s scared, or even worse, insult him in front of people as some sort of proof like, “Hey! I’m not dating him!”
Buck has kinda started to maybe slightly spiral on the topic, too. Is there something wrong with him? Realistically he knows that’s not it, but still.
Tonight, Chris’ friend's dad invited Eddie out as a plus one, which turned into a plus two.
Buck and Eddie walk in together, the place was filled with way more than just parents from Chris’ school.
See, it wasn't like Buck was expecting Eddie to say “Hey guys! This is Buck, my boyfriend!” but it definitely was a bit of a let down when he didn't even introduce Buck at all.
But, okay, Buck can attempt to ignore that. Eddie is Eddie after all.
But it feels like more than that. Always does. Like Eddie’s ashamed of Buck.
Maybe he’s just letting his insecurity shine through yet again.
“Hey, dude, wanna drink?” Eddie’s friend asks,
“I’m John,” he says and pulls his hand out for Buck to shake, “I’m Buck, nice to meet you, man. And- uh, yeah, sure.”
The night goes on, they are gathered together at the table sharing stories.
John and John’s friend, Nick, starts talking about some attractive girl nearby.
“Oh, look at her, she’s gorgeous, don’t you think, Eds?” Buck doesn’t like the way the nickname “Eds” sounds in Nick's mouth.
“Uh- y-yeah, she’s pretty.”
Buck starts getting anxious, though he can’t fully understand why.
And he can tell Eddie is feeling the same way.
“Go talk to her, man!” Nick says
“Yeah!” John eggs on
Some of the other guys start cheering and laughing,
“Nah, nah.” But Eddie’s attempt at acting nonchalant and waving them off fails, he gets cut off by some of the guys yelling, “come on, don’t be lame!”
“You're the only one of us who doesn’t have a girlfriend or wife! Do it for us, since we all can’t!” They all laugh at the remark. Expect Buck, who feels like his legs are going to snap off from how much he's shaking them.
“Okay! Alright. F-fine.”
Buck is pretty sure he actually flinched hearing that. What the hell is he doing?
Buck can see the side eye Eddie is giving him, he can also feel the concerned look that morphed onto his own face.
Eddie slowly gets up and starts walking over, some of the guys start whistling once Eddie starts talking to the girl, but once they talk for a while, the guys start having their own conversation.
While Bucks eyes are glued on Eddie.
Then, the raven-haired girl starts dancing with him.
You’ve got to be kidding me.
She puts her hand on his arm and starts getting closer to him, pulling him to dance.
Buck hasn’t drank a lot, but he’s pretty sure he’s gonna vomit.
Eddie looks stiff, but he also doesn’t look like he’s having the worst time ever. God, what is Buck thinking? He should stop this, Eddie is uncomfortable after all.
So, Buck gets up and is trying to think of some sort of excuse to get Eddie out of the situation besides saying “I’m his boyfriend.”
He gently puts his hand on Eddie’s shoulder “Hey, we- uh- we need you over there.”
“R-right.”
He pauses, momentarily looking grateful Buck came. The girl slowly starts to take her arms off to leave and Buck hears a slight, “Sorry, it was nice meeting you!” from the girl, until Eddie looks back at the group, then Buck, then the girl and puts her arms back on him.
What.
“Eddie?” Buck questioned, Eddies eyes look remorseful and uncomfortable and-
Well, why the hell did he put her hands back!?
“I will, um-” he stutters and his voice breaks, “j-just a minute.”
“Just a- what?” Buck lets out a laugh, except it wasn't filled with joy the way Eddie usually makes him laugh, this was a very sad, humorless laugh.
So Buck walks away, grabs his things, and leaves. He ignores the guys asking him why he's leaving because it starts to sound a little bit too much like they are mocking him and he also cannot take anything else before he either starts crying or hitting a punching bag.
Buck’s walking out, his feet making a crunching noise in the snow, until he stops from hearing the footsteps and a voice he could recognize anywhere.
“Buck!”
Eddie's face appears when Buck turns around, his eyes seemingly full with regret and breathing labored from running out.
“Buck, I know your mad-”
“You're damn right I'm mad.”
“Okay, but those guys they were just-” he replies and rubs his face.
“You could've said no.”
“I was being pressured! Buck, I swear-”
“Fine! I get that. You froze, right?
Eddie nods, suspecting it wasn't really a question, especially when Buck cuts him off before he can even reply.
“Right!” he gives another humorless laugh, a bit manically. “So, when I came to get you out of that situation, you couldn’t, I don’t know, leave?”
“Buck, come on!”
“No!” his voice breaks, he can feel the tears forming in his eyes, “No, don’t “Buck, come on” me! When I came to get you, you could have left. You didn't have to go up to her, you could've told the guys no-”
“Buck, you know-” Eddie sounds annoyed. Like he has any right to be annoyed right now?
Buck cuts him off, “I'm not finished! Going up to her is one thing, but the fact that you grabbed her hands, you grabbed her hands and kept dancing? In front of your boyfriend? Do you even know how that feels?” His voice is in a constant state of breaking and squeaking, like he just hit puberty.
“Shh!” Eddie looks back at the building, like his friends could hear him somehow.
“Are you kidding me?” he pauses, tears now falling from his eyes, “You're really telling me to be quiet?”
Eddie’s face softens when he sees the tear fall from Buck's eye, “Buck.” he whispers, then his voice starts to get a little louder, “I’m sorry! I am, okay? I just- I didn't want them thinking I’m-”
“Yeah, I know,” he mutters.
“What? Buck, you know I’m struggling with- I thought you understood, I-I mean- with Tommy you were the same at first.”
“No, with Tommy I was not the same.”
“You-”
“I never danced with someone else in front of him! I never made him feel insecure and lonely a-and unloved.” Buck is now properly crying, his face all scrunched up and red, and Eddie can't bear to see it. Knowing he made him this hurt.
“Y-you've really been feeling like this?”
Buck ignores the question, “And you know how bad Tommy was to me before we broke up! You know I apologized to him, God, you're the one who told me I shouldn't have! So, it's not fair of you to use that against me!” Eddie doesnt think hes ever seen Buck this angry and distraught, the last time he thinks he's seen him like this was when he came over after dinner with his parents, the thought of Eddie making Buck feel remotely close to how his parents make him feel is the last thing on this goddamn earth he wants.
“I-It’s really not fair.” Buck repeats, muttering under his breath, turning his head and wiping his nose.
“I-I’m so sorry, Buck. Have I really made you feel like that- I- I don’t even-”
Eddie pauses, unsure of what to say. Now he is also getting teary-eyed. They stand in silence, the only noise being sniffles coming from both of them.
Until Eddie breaks, “I really made you feel unloved?”
Buck stares at his feet for a bit before answering, “Maybe I shouldn’t have said that.”
“Not if it’s how you feel.”
“Eddie, it’s like you don't even acknowledge me anymore.”
“Buck, come on. That isn't true.”
“When we are with people? Yeah, you don’t. I know you're scared, Eddie. But this? It’s too much.” Buck can hear his voice, all stuffed up.
“I’m not scared.”
“God!” Buck turns his head and puts his hand on his mouth, “you can’t even admit it? Eddie, you can lie to people, you can lie to yourself, but you can’t lie to me!” he pauses, “I don’t wanna pressure you- I never wanna pressure you, but the way you're treating me-” He stops and rubs his face.
Eddie stands there speechless. He watches as Buck's face somehow changes from angry and sadness to something akin to realization. Eddie’s stomach drops. No. He ruined so many relationships with people he cares about. But Buck? He can’t lose Buck, He can never lose Buck.
“Listen, Eds. I think maybe-”
“No, no.” Eddie whispers.
“We should, I don’t know,” Buck pauses and looks up at the sky, attempting to hold his tears in. His lips quivering.
“Take- a break-” He lets out a big sob, unable to speak.
“No! No, Buck, no. I’ll-I’ll change, I’ll come out- I’ll-”
“I don’t want you to come out if you aren’t ready.” Buck whispers.
“Then what do you want!” He raises his voice, not out of anger but desperation. But Buck also catches the hint of annoyance in Eddie’s voice.
“I need someone who wants to scream how much they love me off of rooftops! Just like what I feel for you!” He points at Eddie and insists.
“I do! I do want to, I do feel like that, it’s just hard for me. God, Evan, why can’t you understand that!?” Now he’s angry. And Buck really doesn’t like the way “Evan” sounded in Eddie’s mouth, not the usual soft, tender, loving way he says it.
“Why are you calling me Evan?” Buck’s voice is so small.
“What? So when Tommy does it, it’s fine?” It’s almost as if Eddie went into the anger stage of grief while Buck hit the sadness.
“No! With Tommy-” Buck gets cut off by Eddie’s “friends” walking out,
“Diaz! Where’d you guys go, man!”
It’s almost as if Eddie snaps into a different version of himself, and with that he proves Buck exactly right.
“Hey, guys.”
Buck assumes the group realize his tear stained face as they ask, “Hey, you okay, man?”
“F-fine.” Buck replies with a forced smile filled with sadness.
“Oh- he’s-he’s okay. Poor guy just can’t handle his drinks, right?” Eddie says mockingly with a nervous laugh. Then, his face alters into disappointment when he realizes what he just said.
The group somehow believes that and walks away after saying their goodbyes. Eddie just embarrassed and belittled Buck right in front of him. Out of fear. But, what some random people think of Buck is not what he cares about, he cares about his boyfriend. His Eddie. and, himself. Buck realizes what he has to do, and is pretty sure he actually feels his heart break in half.
Eddie turns around with a worried expression on his face, Buck pushes his hands away from Eddie, gesturing space.
“I’ll be here when-” Buck cuts himself off and realizes he doesn't know if he should make that promise. Again.
He tries again, “I’m sor-” Buck stops and decides to walk away. Words could never capture the feelings he’s feeling. They could never. Because this time, Buck’s the one who’s leaving. And it’s with the person he loves more than anyone and anything in the world.
“No.” Eddie mutters and shakes his head.
Buck walks away and he knows he will never be the same. Eddie stands there, tears heavily falling from his eyes, gasping for air.
They both know they have just lost the love of their life.