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Muu sat in the emptiness of her cell, legs dangling off the bed as tears stained her cheeks. Those same tears were rooted in the buds of her eyes as she raised her already shaky hand and wiped them away. The empty feeling that she continuously felt after that day had returned - and returned strongly it had. Her cheeks were flushed from so much crying, and she hated the feeling that came with it. It was painful, cruel and mean. Muu always got like this when she was alone and thought of Rei (or.. perhaps when she thought in general? That's a thought for another day however.) - how could she not?
The shivers running down her spine as she finally succumbed to the tiredness in her limbs, rolling to her side and falling flat there, burying her face in the pillow and praying, pleading - no, begging that the tears would stop and the empty feeling in her gut would leave, it'd leave, and she could be all alone. (She really, really wishes it would go away already.)
She was sure her eyes were red from how much she was crying and it hurt. Her eyes stung and her throat felt like it was tightening up, the breaths leaving her body were shaky and uneven, she was a total wreck. Was she glad she was alone? Muu couldn't tell if being alone was good or bad - she wished she wasn't alone and was with Rei. If she made herself think of it enough, she'd surely be back with her, wouldn't she?
Her chest felt tight. The more she cried the more she felt herself wishing that this was all a dream. But 'MILGRAM' was a reality - and she was stuck living through it. She missed her friends, (were those really her friends? Muu could think of that another time.) She missed being able to go outside - she missed going to the mall, too. She missed everything she could do when she could feel the warm rays of the sun on her skin.
She didn't miss the bullying, the comments made about her, she didn't miss most things about her school. She missed Rei. Would things have been different? Muu can still faintly remember the smell of blood filling her nostrils as she stared wide eyed down at the boxcutter that she held within her hand. She could see the crimson red blood that covered it (the same blood that flowed from Rei), and if she tried hard enough, she could make out the now still body of her former 'classmate'. (She wished they were more. But she knew they couldn't be.) She could remember the gasps of horror and disgust around her when other people had run up to see what had happened.
She remembered the pained expression on Rei's face, Muu mentally cursed herself out for having stumbled and hearing the sound of the razor - it was all too much. She didn't want to remember anything that had happened that day. She had been in MILGRAM for a while now, she couldn't remember how long it had been since she got here - (perhaps she just lost track of time... maybe she should try remembering later.)
Muu sniffled as she finally came down from all the crying. She knew she was in pain, but now she was really feeling it. Her body ached and she winced at the idea of getting up. Perhaps lying in bed wouldn't be so bad. She could think about everything from the comfort of her bed in her cell and she didn't have to get up.
If she dreamt of it long enough, she could imagine that she was still at home, wrapped up in warm, silky soft fluffy blankets, shielded away from the harsh elements of MILGRAM, unaware of anything happening around her. She'd be with her mother, and everything would be okay.
Unfortunately for the blonde girl, things aren't that simple. That aren't EVER that simple. She thought she was perfectly calm now that she had come down from crying so hard and, rather loudly (had someone overheard her? Muu was going to think about that later when trying to sleep, she was sure of it.) but the memories were still fresh in her head from having to think about them.
She missed Rei, and she missed her dearly. She didn't know what those feelings were at the time (perhaps she was a little foolish for not realizing it...? No, she wasn't. Muu was never foolish!)
Or maybe it was Rei's fault for not noticing her flushed face - though Muu wasn't too surprised, she had 'bullied' Rei after all, but it wasn't her fault! Muu scoffed at the idea of it ever being her fault. It clearly wasn't. Muu's mind wandered back to her 'interesting' feelings for Rei.
She had liked Rei, and she had figured that out after a while. It hurt at first to have a crush on the girl, and Muu wished she could pluck the feeling out of her chest, crumble it and throw it out the window - but she couldn't! And it was frustrating to have to feel that way about the purplish-brown haired girl. No matter how much she wished, she could *never* be more than just a friend, bully, or classmate to Rei. Muu thought that was unfair! And truly, it was.
Perhaps if things had gone differently in school, then what happened to Rei wouldn't even have to be spoken out loud. She wouldn't be in some dirty filthy prison, she wouldn't be a prisoner here, and she'd be back with the people she likes. She could be just a regular sixteen-year-old again - she'd go to the mall, she'd confess her feelings to the purple brownish haired girl, and they'd get together and they'd live happily ever after. That's what should've happened! Muu knows it. But it's not. Muu killed her, and now she must face her punishment.
Punishment. What would happen when this was all over? Muu was terrified to know the answer, and maybe she wishes it resulted in her seeing Rei again, but at the same time she wishes she could leave, leave and never come back. The other prisoners were nice (She supposed. The only one she ever really got along with was 01 - Haruka Sakurai. Even then, he was a pushover. a huge one at that, but that's okay.) she wasn't sure if she ever wanted to see them again once this was all over. She didn't exactly know how to feel about all the other prisoners, Yuno got so cold in the second trial. Muu sort of dislikes her now; and Kotoko was acting like a wolf and acting everyone! She wondered what would happen if Kotoko-san was the one to be guilty instead. Would she start biting herself rather than anyone else? That's a funny thought. Fuuta, Mikoto and Mahiru though? Well, it's not like there was anything that could've been done to prevent them being attacked.
She missed her mother, her father, Rei (like, really really missed Rei, her school - she missed so much that she had taken for granted. Really, no matter what she does, her thoughts keep trying to spin themselves in the direction of that brownish purple haired girl that she knows from her school. Guilt will always fill her stomach when she thinks of her, and when she died - when she realized the girl's body was still and cold - lifeless, the spark in her eyes missing. Muu could almost believe that a part of her had died when she saw it. She wished to unsee the lifeless look in her once wide eyes.
It hurt to see it - and Muu didn't like being hurt. She didn't like arguments. She hated fighting!
She missed Rei dearly - no one could deny that if they were to know how she felt about the girl. she wished to see her just one more time, bloodied or not.
She'd see her soon, wouldn't she?