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“Watch where you’re going!”
“Shut the hell up!”
“I’m telling you to take the next left.”
“And I’m telling you to keep your irritatingly large mouth shut!”
“Can we please not argue?” James asked.
“No!” Sirius and Regulus shouted in unison.
Regulus glared sideways at his brother, hands gripping the steering wheel, “Don’t yell at him!”
“You yelled at him too!”
“He’s my boyfriend, I’ll yell at him whenever I like.”
“And I’ll thank you for it, dear,” James said with a smile he saw in the rear view mirror. Regulus smiled at him, glancing over his shoulder and blowing him a kiss.
“Regulus!” Remus shouted and he huffed as the car began to swerve again.
“I’m telling you, I should be driving. This one is a hazard behind the wheel.”
“If you keep talking I will purposefully cause a crash that will spare everyone but you.”
Sirius gasped. “Moony, tell him.”
“Regulus, please, watch where you’re going.”
“I don’t listen to you, Lupin.”
Their bickering was interrupted by flashing lights and the sound of sirens. For a moment, Regulus held his breath and hoped the police car would continue past them but it quickly became clear that it was his car they were following. Cursing, he turned down the radio and reached into his side door panel for some tinted chapstick. After applying a thin layer, he rubbed his lips together and slowly pulled over to the side of the road. The moment he turned his car off, he removed his jumper, and tugged off his trousers.
“What the bloody hell are you—”
“Shut up,” Regulus snapped as he worked his trousers off. “Hide these,” he launched the jumper and fitted trousers into the backseat where Remus and James were gawking at him. The shorts he was wearing were his lycra gym shorts and under his jumper he had on the crop top he originally wanted to wear that morning only to put a jumper over the top when he realised how cold it was. “Do not say a word,” Regulus cautioned as he heard the police officer open and close the door to the police car. He glanced in the mirror and had to hide a smirk when he realised there was only one officer.
“Why are you—” Sirius began again and Regulus hurriedly shushed him as the officer approached.
Regulus rearranged his expression, grateful that today he had tried a little more with his makeup and jewellery. As he pressed the button to lower the window, he turned to the officer with wide eyes. “Yes, officer?” He asked in a higher, almost breathy tone.
The officer bent down to peer into the car and paused as he saw Regulus. Dark eyes passed over his body and Regulus could have grinned when he saw the almost exaggerated swallow from the man.
Bingo.
“Have I done something wrong, officer?” Regulus pouted a little, making himself look as sweet and demure as possible. “I thought I was driving the speed limit.”
“You were swerving,” the officer said, forcing the words out. He tugged at the collar of his uniform and cleared his throat, if Regulus weren’t so concerned with keeping up his act he would have scowled at the wedding band on his finger. No problem, Regulus wasn’t nicknamed ‘Emerald of the Blacks’ for nothing. “You, ah, may I see your licence?”
Regulus giggled sweetly as he reached across the car, definitely showing off more than he wanted to as he reached into the glove compartment and tugged the card from his purse. As he handed it over, he made sure to brush their fingers together, keeping that innocent smile on his face. “Please don’t think poorly of me, officer. My photo isn’t the best.”
The officer stared down at the picture of a stone-faced Regulus and he could have sang as the man readjusted his collar again. “You’re…twenty?”
“Yes! My birthday was only a few days ago,” he smiled.
“Happy late birthday,” the officer said.
Regulus gasped and laid a hand on his chest, “Oh, officer. Thank you!”
Someone made a low, grumbling comment and the officer peered into the window. “May I ask who you’re travelling with?”
“This is my big brother! He’s treating me for my birthday—isn’t that so sweet, officer? And those two in the back are his best friend and my best friend.”
The officer pursed his lips, “No boyfriend?”
Sending a silent apology to James, Regulus giggled and shook his head, “I’m too busy to date, sir. I’m studying to become a veterinarian.”
“You must be very clever,” the officer complimented with a grin that was probably supposed to fluster him.
Luckily for Regulus, he perfected the art of charming men far too early. He leaned in and traced a finger over the lip of the car. “Can I get your name, sir?”
“Diggory, Officer Amos Diggory.”
“Amos…that means borne by God!” Regulus sent a silent thank you to his dreadful mother for forcing him to memorise things like that.
Diggory puffed his chest out, “It does.”
Regulus tapped his steering wheel and blinked up at Diggory, “I really am sorry for swerving. I saw a cat, you see, and I just can’t bear the thought of hurting an animal.”
“Well, that makes sense. You want to be a vet and all.” He said it like Regulus was a toddler insisting they would be a space pirate but he didn’t let his irritation show. In fact, he leaned into it.
“Oh, I know! It’s so silly of me, I know the rules but,” he sniffled, “if I hit them then someone would be missing their pet and I would feel so terrible!”
“I understand but you have to abide by the rules of the road. Otherwise people will think you’re under the influence and they might arrest you before you can explain.”
Regulus forced tears to pool in his eyes. Lip wobbling, he peered up at him helplessly, “I know, I’m so sorry, Officer Diggory. You must be so busy. You have such an important job, keeping us all safe, and here I am taking you away from your duties. It’s not right! You should arrest me at once!”
There was another choked noise from beside him but Diggory seemed enchanted. “Oh, now, I don’t think that’s…”
“I swear I’m not drunk, sir. I don’t ever drink, I get so silly when I drink. Look, I can prove it. Can I prove it?”
“My breathalyser is in the car…”
“What about the line test?” Regulus hoped beyond hope that he would take the bait.
As he expected, Diggory looked down at Regulus’ bare legs and swallowed. Nodding, he stepped back and Regulus ducked his head with a grin as he stepped out. Once they were standing in front of each other, Diggory’s eyes seemed fixated on his creamy thighs and bare stomach.
“Look, sir.” He turned away and slowly walked along the white line on the road. He held his arms out, raising his top slightly to show off more of his waist and lower back. No doubt the officer had a perfect view of Regulus’ arse, but that was the point. Spinning slowly, he walked a few steps back, “See!”
“Yes… Yes, you, uh…”
“I’m quite good with balancing! I did ballet for years!”
Diggory looked fit to burst, “O— Oh?”
Regulus giggled, “Want to see?” He wasted no time in pressing onto his toes and raising himself into a high leg extension, arms spread to complete the move. He lowered his leg and did a simple pirouette with a giggle. “I don’t perform professionally anymore, I’m so busy with my studies!”
“What a shame,” Diggory murmured, adjusting his belt as he stared at Regulus’ thighs. “I… Well, I’ve never seen a drunk do a move like that so…so…” Diggory cleared his throat.
“Do you do sports, sir? I can’t imagine you get muscles like those by doing traffic stops.” He cocked his hip with a sweet smile. “You must work out a lot!”
Diggory smirked, smoothing a hand down his torso, “Yeah, I try to go to the gym at least twice a week. Work on these.” He flexed his arm and Regulus pretended to blush shyly while resisting the urge to smack his smug face. “Well, I suppose—since this is your first offence—I can let you go. Can’t be giving the birthday boy a ticket, can I?”
Regulus gasped and held his fists to his chest, staring up at Diggory rapturously. He didn’t even need to try and force the blush from the cold air nipping at his cheeks. “Oh, thank you! Thank you, thank you! You are kind, sir, kinder than I deserve.”
“No, I think you deserve a lot more,” Diggory said with dark eyes full of meaning as he stared at Regulus. The urge to strike him between the legs was strong but Regulus was nothing if not controlled.
“Thank you, again,” he stammered as he slipped into the driver’s seat. “You are so sweet!”
“Drive safe,” Diggory said, patting the car. His hands trembled, as if he were barely restraining himself from reaching into the car. Regulus sent a mental apology to his wife, he doubted this was the first or last time Diggory had done something like this.
“And you, sir! Keep making the city proud!”
Diggory strutted back to his car like a peacock. They waited in silence for a moment as Diggory started his car and smoothly passed them, slowing just enough to nod at Regulus who giggled and waved. Once the police car disappeared, Regulus dropped the expression.
Silently, Regulus started the car and began driving.
The peace didn’t last long.
“What the actual fuck was that?” Sirius spluttered.
“I haven’t the faintest—”
“That was surreal. Am I dreaming? I feel like I’m dreaming,” Remus said.
Regulus rolled his eyes and he continued to drive. “Perhaps that will teach you imbeciles not to distract me while I’m driving.”
“What does it matter? You’ll just do whatever that was again and get off scot free.” Sirius looked horrified, “Hold on, have you done that before?”
“Those lines sounded rehearsed,” Remus said.
Regulus scoffed, “Of course I’ve done it before. I can’t count how many times I’ve flirted my way out of trouble. Do you know how often Barty used to get us pulled over or stopped randomly? He still does, actually.”
James made a little huffing noise, “I’m your boyfriend.”
As the road hit a standstill, he turned to look at him, “You are, darling. Are you terribly upset with me?”
“You’re doing it again!” Remus accused.
James looked dazed, “No. It’s okay. You’re so beautiful.”
Regulus smiled sweetly, this time it was sincere, “My handsome boyfriend. No vile police officer will ever touch me, I just don’t want a fine.”
“That’s okay,” James grinned.
“How did you know he wouldn’t try anything?” Sirius asked mulishly. “He looked pretty fucking eager to me. Prick.”
Regulus shrugged. “You three were here. It’s more risky if I’m alone but I usually pretend to be on the phone. I have a recording Barty made me and he pretends to be my clingy ex-boyfriend.”
“He is,” James grumbled.
“Yet he could never make me feel the way you do.”
James brightened.
The cars started moving slowly and Regulus’ car crept along. Sirius was staring at the side of his face. Glancing at him, he snapped, “Speak.”
“That’s what you used to do at home.”
While Sirius had the protection of being seen as the perfect son, a strong Black heir, Regulus didn’t have that. As a toddler, he was terribly vulnerable unless he had Sirius by his side. Even among family he wasn’t safe, with the beauty Mother envied and several of his male relatives coveted. All anyone could talk about at family balls was how pretty Regulus was, how he spoke so sweetly and behaved so well.
Aunt Cassiopeia saved him, once, from a guest who didn’t know restraint. She taught the pig a lesson, then she pulled Regulus aside and told him everything he needed to know about looking like him in their world.
So, Regulus knew how to use his looks. How to dumb himself down and seem dim yet charming. How to flutter his lashes and use his knowledge to navigate those treacherous interactions with those who either wanted to own him or burn him. Sometimes, it was both.
“It worked, didn’t it?”
Sirius huffed. “He wouldn’t have given you a ticket.”
“Oh, he absolutely would have. All police officers have one thing in common and it’s a desperate desire to dominate those around them. The power trip they go on while wielding a badge is alarming. If I had told him James was my boyfriend he would have lost interest, if I had been wearing clothes that obscured my body I would have had to work harder to convince him, if I hadn’t stroked his ego he wouldn’t have overlooked the lack of procedure and adhering to the laws he supposedly aims to uphold.”
“I hate how good you are at that,” Sirius complained.
“Men are frighteningly easy to dupe as a whole. All they need is a sweet smile and they start thinking with their…well, you know.”
“You’re pretty enough to pull it off but I wish you didn’t have to,” James said sadly.
“I am perfectly fine with using what Mother gave me, especially since she regrets it so much.”
Sirius snorted, “Old hag. She always hated how everyone complimented you in front of her. She used to be the favourite. What did they call her?”
“The Opal of the Blacks,” he said, remembering how Mother used to drunkenly ramble about her time as the face of the family.
“Upstaged by her little emerald,” Sirius laughed.
“You two need therapy,” Remus said.
Regulus finally pulled over into the car park and switched the car off. “Give me my clothes.”
“Anything for you,” James said, handing over the jumper and trousers. Regulus’ heart squeezed as he realised James had folded them.
“Thank you, my love.”
James grinned, eyes scrunching behind his glasses. “You’re welcome.”
After a moment of peaceful silence, his brother had to ruin it.
“Oh, Officer Diggory, look how big your arms are…” Sirius pitched his voice up and clutched his chest.
Regulus sniffed, “You can make fun all you like. We both know you’re only jealous that I can get away with it. You wouldn’t have been half as successful.”
Sirius gasped, “How dare you? I absolutely could!”
“Sure.”
“I could! Except I have reasons not to! First, I would never flirt with anyone other than my beloved Moony—”
“That is categorically untrue,” Remus said.
“Secondly,” Sirius continued loudly, “I don’t get pulled over because I’m a good driver—”
“That’s also not true,” James piped up.
“Thirdly,” Sirius all but shouted, “I also have a little something called integrity!”
“That’s definitely not true,” Remus laughed.
“Moony! Tell him I could flirt my way out of a ticket.”
“I’m sure you could,” Remus said.
“You would never have my success rate. I have never gotten a ticket or a fine or been arrested despite how much Barty drags me into trouble. Why? Because I’m that good.” Regulus said smugly.
Sirius frowned. “Never? Not even a ticket?”
“Nope. They always just send me on my way,” Regulus grinned. “Face it, brother, you look like too much of a trouble maker. The tattoos, the long hair, the leather, the piercings… They expect you to cause trouble.”
“You’re hardly the picture of innocence!”
Regulus widened his eyes and pouted his mouth, “Of course I am, Siri. I’m a sweet veterinary medicine student with a heart of gold and the best arse in town.”
“And you did ballet! Don’t forget the ballet,” James said, smiling widely.
“Thank you, darling. Exactly. Mother gave me a true gift there. One leg extension and they start frothing at the mouth.”
“I get it,” James said dreamily.
Regulus twisted over to peck him on the cheek before settling back in his seat. James grinned at him lovingly, a hand brushing over his cheek the way he always did when Regulus kissed him.
Remus snorted, “I’m just grateful we didn’t get in trouble.”
“No, no, I refuse to accept this. I have to prove that I can do it too. Switch seats with me, I’m going to commit a crime.”
“Absolutely not. Get your own car!”
“Budge over, Reg!”
“No!”
“Oi.” Remus snapped his fingers. “Have you two forgotten where we are? I thought we had plans.”
“That was before my devious, awful little brother challenged me to a flirt-off!”
“Oh, please, you could never hope to outdo me. Face it, I have far more charm than you could ever hope for.”
“What about with women?” Sirius fired back. “Women like a bad boy, not pretty ballerinos.”
Regulus raised an eyebrow, “We both know that’s not true. Women think I’m too cute to punish. Men just want to bend me over.” James made an upset noise and Regulus reached out to take his hand. “Which will never happen, my sweet.”
James pressed a kiss to his knuckles.
“Can we forget about this?” Remus asked desperately.
“Never.” Sirius huffed. “Does this mean Crouch has known you do this all these years?”
Regulus laughed, “I’ve been doing this since school! Why do you think Headmaster Fudge loved me so much? I had him wrapped around my little finger. The one time I received a poor grade I went to his office crying and he personally confronted that awful Umbridge woman!”
Outraged, Sirius gasped, “That’s why that horrible woman never went after you? She hated me! She even hated Moony!”
“But not me,” he said smugly, “because I had her boss eating out of the palm of my hand.”
They all stared at him in shock and Regulus revelled in it. While sometimes it was distasteful to use these tricks to get his way, sometimes he appreciated the confidence boost. It was nice to know people found him attractive, although there was nobody he wanted to impress more than James. He squeezed his boyfriend’s hand, delighting in the happy noise James made, his brown eyes sparkling as he peered at Regulus.
He was so incredibly lucky.
“I can’t believe this. I’m supposed to be the roguish flirt.”
“Regulus isn’t roguish, that’s why it works.”
The strangled gasp from Sirius made him sound like he was in physical pain, “Moony!”
“What?” Remus’ eyes widened at Sirius’ betrayed tone. “It’s like he said. He’s got that sweet, innocent façade that most people will fall for. You’re too sexy, it’s intimidating.”
“Particularly to insecure men. They enjoy someone seemingly submissive, you do not appear submissive outwardly. You present a challenge and they can’t handle that,” Regulus agreed.
Sirius huffed although it was clear he was placated, “Damn right. It takes a real man to handle me,” he batted his lashes at Remus.
Remus laughed, “Don’t worry, sugar, you’re perfect as you are.”
“We all have our strengths,” James said enthusiastically. Regulus melted a little inside as he clasped Regulus’ hand in both of his.
“Okay,” Sirius said, “fine. I suppose I can accept this.”
“Me too, so long as we record our own video for you to play if you get pulled over again,” James said with a frown.
“You have to pretend to be my ex though, darling. The ruse works best if they think I’m single.”
James muttered something about a ring and started rubbing at Regulus’ fingers.
“I think you mean when he gets pulled over,” Remus snickered.
“Oh, I’m sorry, which of us here has actually been responsible for a car accident? Show of hands?”
They all pointedly looked at Remus who scowled.
“Fuck you, that miserable bastard came out of nowhere!”
“You’re the worst driver of all of us,” Sirius laughed.
Remus huffed and turned to stare out of the window.
Sirius snorted and Regulus huffed as he wriggled into his clothes. Admittedly, it was a little embarrassing that his family had seen him acting like a ditsy little slapper but Regulus had forgone shame many years ago. If they wanted to be annoying about it then next time he would pretend that they had kidnapped him — he’d done that to Barty once.
Apparently being tasered hurt like a bitch…
Regulus wouldn’t know.