Chapter Text
CHAPTER 1
HELL'S WORST INVESTIGATOR
Glaring at the tense claw of his traitorous hand, Lucifer freezes, focusing all of his attention on willing the tiny tremble to still itself. He had just portaled onto the Hazbin Hotel’s grand front stoop and was reaching out to throw open the door when he noticed the disgusting show of weakness leaking out from his own subconscious. A burning flash of rage tingles just beneath his skin upon such a striking realization - the damn King of Hell's nerves are showing. Lucifer, the one and only literal devil from the Bible, doesn't get nervous! He will absolutely need to wrestle that disgusting little tremble back into submission before anyone notices.
Especially HIM.
Taking a few deep breaths, he holds each just until his chest begins to tingle, then slowly exhales.
Once.
Twice.
Rinse.
Repeat.
Why is my body intent on disobeying me?
I am not intimidated by the Radio Creep, I’m just understandably suspicious.
Shaking off unwanted thoughts about a certain Overlord, he takes a second to remind himself why he’s standing on the hotel threshold instead of heading inside to greet his daughter. With one final deep breath, he schools his face into the best mask of superiority and confidence he can muster, and struts into the lobby.
“Heeeeey bitches, have you been taking care of my hotel!?”
He suppresses a cringe. It's been a long time since he last made a public appearance. In fact, the scant few trips he has taken to the hotel recently are the only times he's left his palace in years.
Too loud. Too bold. Please, for the love of Satan, tell me Radio Creep didn’t hear that.
I can hear him now: “Isn’t it CHARLIE’S hotel? No goals of your own, hmm? Trying to lay claim on your daughter’s work? Pathetic.” He wouldn’t even be incorrect, and isn’t that the worst part?
Every insult he’s thrown at me so far has some semblance of truth buried in it.
Satan, I hate that creep.
Thankfully, the lobby is sans static so he feels safe enough in assuming the Radio Creep isn’t around. It's still unclear exactly how the sinner is connected to the radio waves, but he is pretty sure it can’t be shut on and off. It doesn't seem like it, at least. He exhales sharply in relief before he’s able to stifle it; instead attempting to poorly mask his reaction by spinning quickly towards the sinners in the lounge.
Good, Charlie isn’t down here. Now maybe I can get some intel on that asshole!
“Glad to see you’re enjoying the new bar! So much better than that horror show the Radio Creep conjured, wouldn’t you say?” Lucifer chuckles under his breath. Surely these sinners will enjoy some attention from a REAL powerhouse.
The two demons' reactions are… confusing, to say the least. The bartender fixes Lucifer with a judgmental look before he seems to catch himself, willing it into something more aloof. Slowly, he states, “It’s got alcohol so I ain’t gonna complain, your Majesty.”
The fuzzy white demon looks slightly offended for a moment before recognition sets in and his eyes narrow into… seduction?
Is he about to hit on me?
The demon purrs, “Well, ya Maaaaajesty, we was attached to the old hotel seein’ as it started to actually feel like we had a home. One we built togetha’. First time I felt that since kickin’ the bucket. Warm, ya know?” Leaning into Lucifer’s space, he adds, “BUT I ain’t about to stick my nose up at a rich, powerful suga' daddy comin’ in to spoil us rotten.”
Those… were not the reactions he was expecting.
Maybe they’re afraid to shit-talk the creep. He would probably eat them if he heard. This trip can’t be for naught though, I bet I can still get something out of them.
“Uh huh, uh huh. You can speak freely, you know. He’s not in the room.”
His attention is abruptly pulled to the bartender as he slaps his hands (paws?) onto the bar, “Well Sir, pick your poison.”
Is he brushing me off?
Oh, right. It is a bar.
Okay, no problem. I can use this.
What to order? I would usually go with whiskey, but I guess I should keep up appearances. What's a fancy drink order?
“Wine, I suppose. Red." Preening at his quick thinking, he continues. "You should have a better selection now. I upgraded all that cheap crap Radio Creep was stocking you with. You’re welcome, by the way.” Winking, he reaches out to catch his glass as Husk slides his drink across the bartop.
The bartender must be getting more comfortable with his presence, maybe too comfortable, as he fixes him with a judgmental look; outright this time. “Alastor didn’t create the old bar, he pulled it into existence from his memories of Earth, and Charlie chose what it was stocked with. Al really only drinks rye and the occasional moonshine when he’s feeling nostalgic. He wouldn’t know dick about schnapps and flavored rums, but alright. Thanks, I guess.”
Before Lucifer can fully digest that comment the fluffy flirt buts in, “Oooooooh daddy diablo, I see what’s happenin’ here. Good luck with that! Al shut me down cold every time I tried. Me! I’m the biggest porn star in Pride and he didn’t even blink. ‘Never gonna happen’ he said. I can’t believe that shit!”
A low growl rumbles to Lucifer’s right. The bartender fixes the flirt with a grimace, “Angel, I told you to KNOCK THAT SHIT OFF. And for the love of Satan, I know you’re a handsy little shit, but do NOT touch Alastor.”
The flirt (“Angel” apparently. How ironic. ) retorts, “Husky baby, men all over Pride would give their left nut to be touched by me. Even big, scary Overlords need good lovin’ sometimes. If I ever crack Mista Tall, Dark, and Scary it’ll be SO worth it. I just know he’d be a fuckin’ BEAST in bed!”
Wait… what’s going on?
“Angel, please. I’ve known Al for decades and I’m telling you that your constant flirting is dangerous enough. I'm willing to bet the only reason he hasn’t straight-up torn your head off in response is because it would upset Charlie, but I am telling you that touching him is extremely likely to snap that thread of restraint. I’m not even sure if it would be intentional on his part. Just don’t chance it.”
“Oh shit Whiskers, you tellin’ me what I think you’re tellin’ me?”
“I honestly have no idea what shit runs through your mind, but if it makes you keep your hands off of the Boss, then sure.”
Did they forget I was here?
I’m the fucking King!
Swallowing down his pride isn’t an easy accomplishment, but Lucifer manages it when it finally dawns on him that they are talking about the Radio Creep. It took him a moment to cotton on since he has been steadfastly refusing to refer to him by name even within the confines of his own mind, obviously.
Childish? Me? Of course not.
It seems to have backfired a bit. In giving the sinner’s conversation only half his attention he failed to pick up on them mentioning Alastor’s name until Angel mentioned Overlords.
Realizing they were discussing Radio Creep (ahem - “Alastor”... or whatever) he tunes back in and is floored by what he's hearing. They aren’t talking about how horrible and evil the Overlord is, like at all. “Angel” apparently wants to fuck him, while the bartender (Whiskers? Husky?) seems protective of Angel; but to Lucifer’s abject shock, also seems protective of the Overlord himself.
What on earth does he mean killing Angel might not be intentional?
Did the bartender just say that he doesn’t want to upset Charlie?
What the hell is that supposed to mean?
Oh...
Oh, no. The creep is a master manipulator, isn’t he?
He has to be. Aren’t all Overlords?
This must be part of his scheme.
“Boss?" Lucifer interrupts. "Isn’t Charlie your boss?”
“Eh. Charlie and Al are business partners, but yeah I suppose this is definitely more of the Princess’ brainchild. It ain’t like Al’s gettin’ redeemed anytime soon.”
“Nor does he want to.” Husk interjects with a small grin and a huff of genuine amusement. “Can you imagine the absolute nightmare he would be for them up in Heaven?”
“I can just see him going full-on kaiju nightmare-mode on their peaceful little streets till they agree to kick him back down here!” Angel adds, through a fit of giggles.
Fully cackling now, Husk finishes with, “Al would fuckin’ HATE it up there.”
After a good amount of laughter from both sinners, Husk turns his attention back to Lucifer and adds, “He is my actual boss though. Owns my soul. Teleported my whole damn card table right out of the casino and into the old hotel lobby. Told me I’d be bartending from now on." Throwing back his drink in one giant swig, he mumbles under his breath, "Course, I was just about to fuckin' win."
Angel buts in, "Sure ya were, buddy." Spinning in his seat, he fixes all his attention on Lucifer. “Yeah, he poofed Niff into the hotel too. Pulled her right outta the fireplace! Ya gotta admit it Whiskers, him swoopin’ in to that ratty, condemned building and makin’ it all work like it was easy as pie… super hot.” He pauses, taking a moment to think before adding, “He’s actually kinda the reason we got our other guest too. Pentious only came to the hotel tryin’ to attack Smiles in the first place, then when he came back again, it was to spy on him for the Vees. Remember? That shit was hilarious! Pen didn’t even make it a single damn day before I caught him tryin’ to hide spy cameras inside!”
Lucifer jumps on this revelation. “So the Radio Creep put my daughter in danger!?”
Husk lets out a weary sigh, “Your Majesty, this is Hell. Sinners are going to attack the hotel. Some may do it to get to Angel because he’s famous, some may try to get to Al to ‘prove’ themselves, and most will try to get to Charlie because of her position or because of the whole ‘redemption’ shebang; but no. Pentious wasn’t a threat to anyone here. Al shut down his ‘attack’ before he even got a single shot off. Hell, Angel here is the one who caught him with spy cameras. He and Vaggie were the ones that Charlie had to talk out of killing the poor guy. Al wasn’t even in the room.”
“And you say this Pentious asshole was a guest here? You mean before you found the cameras, right?”
“Nah daaaaaddy, Charlie wouldn’t let me an’ Vaggie kill the little snake because she wanted to redeem him instead. Had a whole spiel about sayin’ sorry. Even made Pentious apologize to Al!" He cackles, slapping the bartop animatedly. "Hilarious! I really thought Pen would piss himself.”
“And the Radio Creep didn’t eat him right then and there?” Lucifer hedges.
Husk takes a second to refill the King’s wine before responding. “Al barely lifted a finger ‘battling’ Pentious when he attacked. Apparently this was about the 20th time Pen tried, but the Boss said he didn’t even remember him. I believe him too. Al IS vicious and can be extremely dangerous, all those stories about him are actually true; but he doesn’t punch down. If he believed Pentious was no threat and found him pathetic, he wouldn’t even bother.”
“That’s actually kinda true, ain’t it? He basically flicked Pen across Pentagram City, but that’s it. Just shrugged when Charlie brought him in as a guest, even though the day prior he had pointed a death ray in Al’s face.”
“Who pointed a death ray in my face?”
Lucifer snaps around much quicker than he would like to admit. Sure enough, leaning casually against the door frame is the big bad enigma in all his crimson glory.
As if it could be anyone else.
That voice and the feeling of static prickling ever so slightly against his own aura are unmistakable.
How do I handle this?
“Hey Boss. We were talking about Pen.” Husk states dryly as he slides a drink over to the man in question. After so many years by Alastor's side, he must know his drink order by heart. It certainly seems so, as the Overlord didn't even have to ask. He and Husk share a curt nod, and the Overlord settles into a seat on the other side of Angel. Notably, he leaves one stool between them empty, as if casually maximizing the space between them without completely isolating himself from the conversation.
“Oh how droll, Husker." He sighs. "Well, in that case, I suppose this calls for a toast.” The light glints off of his crystal glass as he holds it out towards the sinners, casting sparkling rainbow reflections off in all directions in a strangely beautiful moment. “He may have been a sniveling and inept mess who had the poor taste to idolize those disgusting Vees, but at least he was fearless.”
And just like that, the moment is shattered.
What the fuck? Was that an insult or a compliment?
Wait, did he just compliment the sinner who tried to kill him with a mother fucking death ray?
“Idiotic, but fearless.”
There it is.
Wait, that’s… not fully an insult either. It’s backhanded as fuck, but still part compliment.
Shit.
Confusion and shock seem to be Lucifer’s default tonight as he watches the two other sinners smile warmly. Angel even gets a far-off look in his eyes as they all toast to their attempted murderer.
What is going on?
“Why are you toasting a sinner who tried to kill you?”
“Ah, my King, who hasn’t tried to kill me? Ha ha!”
Husk rolls his eyes at Alastor's joke before turning his attention back towards the King. “Pentious stayed here as an actual guest after we caught him spying. Well, attempting to. You met him before; he was the snake demon." He explains. "He fought the exorcist army with us and tried to take on Adam himself." Scoffing, he fidgets with the rag in his hands before adding, "He was vaporized instantly.”
“Well, no shit! Why would he even attempt that on his own?” Lucifer exclaims, throwing his hands up in the air in exasperation. He's always known that sinners may not be the brightest crayons in the box, but trying to single-handedly take down the First Man? Insanity!
“As stated, your Majesty. The man was idiotic, but I cannot fault his bravery.”
“Well, shit. Touché, Radio Creep. Sounds like his idiocy won over his bravery in the end.”
“…charming as always, my King.”
Oddly enough, Lucifer thinks he sees Husk’s fur bristle at this interaction. He cannot fathom why.