Chapter Text
Laura was warm. That was all she cared about. She was warm and something was interrupting that. Something that apparently wanted to wake her up and disturb her warmness. Something loud. She shook her head softly as it got louder. It sounded like…
“Crap,” she whispered. She realized she was still on the couch. Carmilla’s couch. And Carmilla’s arms were wrapped around her.
Carmilla’s arms were around her because last night she’d fallen asleep on top of her after she’d…
Sweet Mother of Buffy, she was currently laying on top of Carmilla Karnstein. She slept on top of Carmilla. Not beside her or near her or… on top of her. Who sleeps on top of another human? Oh wait, she remembered. The type of person who did what she did last night before she fell asleep. She shook her head and her face warmed but this time from embarrassment. She buried her head back against the sleeping woman’s throat.
But the buzzing. She’d forgotten about the buzzing.
“Carmilla,” she raised up. “Hey. Someone is…”
Carmilla stretched and jumped a bit when she saw Laura hovering above her. She quickly hid her surprise and her blush a lot better than Laura. “Hey.”
“Hey,” Laura answered quickly. “Uh someone is…” She crawled off the girl.
The buzzer rang again.
Carmilla’s eyes went from sleepy to wide. “Shit,” she muttered, sitting up.
Laura’s phone vibrated against the table on the other side of the room. They both turned to look at it, but neither of them moved.
Carmilla picked up her own and they both looked at the screen.
8:00 a.m.
Elle. 21 missed calls.
She reluctantly slid her phone unlocked and opened her texts. Laura was still peering over her shoulder.
Where the fuck is Laura?
Is she there?
She’s not answering her phone.
And neither are you.
She’s there isn’t she?
I swear to god if you did what I think you did.
Carmilla!
Answer your fucking phone.
I’m fucking serious.
I’m coming over.
Answer me!!!
I cannot believe you.
Let me in goddamn building!!!!!!!!!!
Carmilla frowned at Laura. “That’s your girlfriend buzzing.”
Laura frowned back. “You don’t say, huh?”
Carmilla rolled her eyes and checked her phone again. “The first call was after four. Text too. Looks like she didn’t get home until late.” She took a breath. “We could just say you got worried and you wanted to talk so you…” she trailed off.
The door buzzed again.
“It’s only a matter of time before someone leaves the building and she gets inside,” Carmilla added.
“You want to lie to her?” Laura asked.
“It wouldn’t be a lie.”
No, Laura silently agreed, she guessed it wouldn’t. But she assumed Carmilla would leave out the part where Laura’d basically humped her to orgasm and then fell asleep on top of her. Not that she wanted Elle to find that out. She closed her eyes. She wanted to brush her teeth. And she desperately needed some coffee. It would be awesome to go back to sleep actually. Right back on top of the… bed. Bed. Cause who sleeps on a person? A baby? No not even babies. Babies could fall off and hit their heads and be permanently damaged and that would be terrible. Damaging babies. Laura couldn’t condone that. Even babies need beds. And…
“Hey,” Carmilla interrupted her thoughts. “Are you okay?”
Laura jumped. “Yeah. Brain babble. Ignore me.”
“What are you thinking about?”
“Bad parenting,” Laura spat out before she could stop herself.
“What?” Carmilla looked confused.
“Nothing,” Laura shook her head, which was pounding. But at least the buzzing stopped. Unless…
The knock on the door startled them both and they jumped further apart.
“Fuck,” Carmilla mumbled. She frowned. “I can just ignore it?”
Laura thought about it. “I don’t have any other friends here. Not ones I’d spend the night with. If she doesn’t think I’m here, she might call the police. Or my dad,” she groaned. She quickly ran over and turned off her phone and moved it out of sight. “Answer it.”
Carmilla nodded and moved to the door. She got about half way there and stopped. She walked back over to Laura, smiled softly, and kissed her lips. “I know she’s technically your girlfriend, but…”
Laura frowned. She’d never seen Carmilla insecure. In fact, in the last day she’d several different sides to the woman. She nodded. “It’s okay,” she whispered. Was it okay? She couldn’t even process the thought. “Open the door.” She tried to smile.
Carmilla looked as if she was trying to read her face before she sighed and moved back to the door.
“Do you not know how to answer your phone?” Elle screamed when Carmilla slid the door open a crack.
“I didn’t hear it?”
Laura wondered why Carmilla felt the need to answer her with a question.
“Is she here?” Elle tried to push by Carmilla.
Carmilla held the door mostly closed. “Who?”
“Kendall Jenner. She’s my favorite and I heard she was in town,” Elle scoffed. “Laura. Is Laura here?”
Carmilla sighed and nodded. “She is.”
“Let me in,” Elle growled. “Laura,” she called into the apartment. “Laura. What're you doing here?”
Laura walked over and stood behind Carmilla. “Let her in,” she spoke softly.
Carmilla sighed again and rolled her eyes before she opened the door. Elle pushed by her and grabbed Laura’s elbow. “What the hell are you doing here?”
Laura tried to shake her off, but Elle just gripped her arm tighter. “Let me go,” Laura tried.
Carmilla, who was standing with her back against the door and her arms crossed, jumped and stalked over. “What the hell is wrong with you?” She grabbed Elle’s wrist. “Let her go.” She pried her fingers from Laura’s arm.
Elle let go of Laura’s elbow before she spun on her best friend. “What the fuck is going on?”
“Nothing,” Laura answered for her. “I came here last night because you didn’t come home. Again. And I didn’t want to be alone. Again.”
“You don’t want to be alone so you come to the one person’s house who doesn’t even like you? You expect me to believe that?”
Laura nodded. “Obviously I’m not lying…i.e. I’m here.”
Carmilla hadn’t moved. She was watching Elle. When Elle took a step closer to Laura, so did Carmilla. Laura backed up on instinct.
“Back off, Elle,” Carmilla said.
“Did you fuck her?” Elle spat at Carmilla.
Laura’s heart jumped to her throat.
“Are you stupid?” Carmilla countered.
“Not at all,” Elle said. “Which is why I’m asking.”
“No,” Carmilla spat out. “I didn’t.”
Laura could tell Elle was angry. She could tell it in her stance and the way her face bunched. But so was Carmilla. She was clenching and unclenching her fists. Laura knew Elle could be intimidating, but so could Carmilla. She didn’t like where they were headed. She didn’t like the fact that the two of them seemed to move incrementally closer to each other.
“Is this some game to you? You come back and try to pull…”
“No,” Carmilla interrupted. She narrowed her eyes. “I’m not the one playing games.” She pretended to look at a watch she wasn’t wearing. “It’s Saturday. Aren’t you supposed to be at the children’s hospital?”
It caught Elle off guard for a second but she recovered quickly enough. “I would be but my girlfriend was missing and not answering her phone. I thought it was probably pressing that I found her before I called her father and the police.”
Carmilla raised her eyebrow. “Well as you can clearly see…she’s fine.” She waved her hand towards Laura.
“You didn’t call my father; did you?” Laura squeaked.
Elle turned around. “No. I didn’t.”
Laura let go of the breath she was holding. “You left me last night. I’ve barely even seen you in over a week and you left after you got that text. I’m tired of sitting at home and waiting for you to grace me with your presence. I’m not stupid.”
“What’s that supposed to mean?” Elle asked. She turned back to Carmilla. “What did you tell her?”
“Nothing,” Laura answered. “She didn’t need to tell me anything. I figured it out when I mentioned that you’d had lunch with her. She’s a terrible liar.”
Elle’s face slowly turned into a snarl as she looked between her best friend and Laura. “Wrong. She’s actually a perfect liar.”
Laura wasn’t expecting that. She wasn’t expecting Elle to sit down on the couch either, but she did.
“You know Carm and I have been best friend since we were six years old and I found her crying on the playground?”
Laura nodded her head.
“The neighborhood where we grew up wasn’t…” Elle seemed to be thinking, but Laura thought it was probably an act and only for her benefit. “…something you’d be used to. Kids like us had to learn to…survive. It makes lifelong friends out of people. The thing is Carm and I are a lot alike. Almost like sisters in a way. And I know you don’t have a sister but you know how that is all the same. The competition. The one-upping.”
“Shut the fuck up,” Carmilla told her.
Laura was looking back and forth between the two.
“Did she tell you about Betty?”
“Shut up.” Carmilla growled.
Betty? Laura thought. Who was Betty? “No. Who’s Betty?”
“My ex-girlfriend. Then one Carmilla fucked one night before I moved to college. I was supposed to be at work, because you know I had a job… unlike some people…” She cut her eyes at Carmilla. “But that day I got off early. I had a key to Betty’s apartment. I still remember it like it was yesterday…” Elle’s snarl was terrifying.
Laura’s stomach bottomed out. She tried her best to school her features, but in order to do that she couldn’t look at Carmilla.
“Shut the fuck up,” Carmilla shouted.
“Do you know how it feels to find the only two people in the world you’ve ever trusted, betray you?” Elle asked Laura. “Because I do.”
“I’ve apologized for that!” Carmilla spat back. “Over and over again. I fucked up. I was wrong. And I shouldn’t have done it, Elle.” She looked near hysterics. “I’m sorry. I’m so sorry. But what I did to you still doesn’t give you the right to…”
“To what?” Elle interrupted. “To get my life together? Fall in love with someone else? Move in with her? Plan our life together? Invite you back into it and trust you again?”
Laura frowned at Carmilla then. She looked scared to death. Carmilla shook her head and Laura wasn’t sure if she was shaking it at her or Elle.
“Why are you twisting this?” Carmilla asked. “Oh right because that’s what you do. You make me out to be the bad guy. You think you’re a victim? You wanna paint it like you’re the one being hurt? Do victims cheat? See girls from school? Lie about volunteering in a fucking children’s hospital? Is that what victims do??
Laura spun around. Cheating? Girls at school? It wasn’t like she hadn’t expected it, but still Carmilla never confirmed it.
“Is that true?” Laura asked.
“Laura…” Elle started.
Laura held up her hand. She wasn’t asking her. “Is it true?” She asked Carmilla again.
Carmilla sighed. “I didn’t think you could…” She shook her head, obviously angry at herself.
“That I couldn’t what? Handle it?” Laura felt a lot of emotions warring inside of her, but right now anger was winning. “You thought you needed to protect me? So you just tell me what you think I need to hear? Was everything else a half-truth, Carmilla?”
“What do you mean ‘everything else’?” Elle asked.
They both ignored her.
“That’s not why…” Carmilla tried. “Fuck,” she groaned. “This isn’t what…”
Laura closed her eyes. She couldn’t deal with Carmilla. Not right now. She turned to her girlfriend who was sitting on the couch. Elle could mask all emotion if she needed. She raised her eyebrow at Laura, waiting for the question.
Laura sighed. “Is it true? Is there a girl from school?”
“There’s lots of girls from school.” Elle shrugged. “But I’m not seeing any of them,” she finished.
It was incredibly impressive how nonchalant Elle could be when she lied. “You’re going to make a great lawyer.” Laura looked at Carmilla. “Actually, you’d both make great lawyers.”
“Laura I would never…” Carmilla started again.
And again Laura interrupted her. “What? Hurt me? Lie to me? You’ve both been lying this whole time. About one thing or another. Am I some pawn in this game you two are playing?”
“Of course not,” Elle answered. “I love you.”
Carmilla rolled her eyes and scoffed. “You aren’t capable of loving anyone but yourself.”
“Is that so?” Elle asked. “You can tell yourself that if it makes you feel better. I believe you remember that I was capable of loving Betty. And I was capable of forgiving you. If that isn’t love maybe you need explain to me what is.”
“Except you didn’t forgive me,” Carmilla answered. “You never have. This entire thing with Laura, all those years, you’ve…”
“You think I’m with Laura because I thought you’d like her?” Elle sneered. “Jesus Christ. The level of your self-aggrandized delusions is frightening. You should get help for that.”
Carmilla looked disgusted. “You expect me, the one person who knows you as well as you know yourself, to believe that you love her? That you aren’t using her? You’re right. We both grew up in the same neighborhood. So I can say with no uncertainty that people like you don't change.”
Elle smirked and raised her eyebrows. “But people like you do?”
“You can’t even admit it!” Carmilla screamed.
Elle crossed her arms. “Neither can you.” She rolled her eyes. “What kind of person thinks that an entire relationship, a relationship of two years, is nothing but a game to exact revenge?” She looked at Laura.
“A kind of person who’s right,” Carmilla snarled. “A kind of person who knows what you’re doing and knows who you are. You don’t love her. You’re using her!”
“And you do?” Elle smirked.
Carmilla physically backed up at the question. “I didn’t…” She looked at Laura. “That’s not…” She shook with anger or fear or something Laura couldn’t name. “This isn’t about me.”
Elle raised her eyebrow, a confident grin on her face. “Oh, but it is.”
Carmilla definitely said something else. Laura heard words like game and pawn and using and love but at that point she felt her lungs just stop. She wasn’t even sure when she realized she couldn’t breathe, but she knew in that moment she couldn’t. She felt the exact same way only once before. The day she found out about her mother. She tried to remember what stopped it last time but she couldn’t.
“I’m so tired of your bullshit. I’m so tired…” Carmilla stopped suddenly and ran over. “Shit, Laura. Breathe.”
Elle jumped up as well. “She’s having a panic attack!”
“No fucking kidding!” Carmilla answered. She put her hand on Laura’s arm. “Breathe, Laura.”
Laura shook her head and grabbed her chest. She backed away from both of them. She couldn’t catch her breath and her heart was racing so hard she knew it would stop all together soon. She was going to die in front of the only two people she knew in this city. The two people who’d used her as… as a pawn. She tried to gasp. Her throat was burning.
Both women tried to grab her but Carmilla was faster. She spun Laura around and put her hands on her shoulder and pulled Laura roughly against her chest. Carmilla took a large breath and breathed out. “Do you feel me breathing?” She repeated the motion. “Breathe with me. Just exhale. You can exhale.”
Laura struggled for a moment and then closed her eyes. She concentrated on Carmilla’s chest pressed against her back. She tried to copy her movement. She pushed out a ragged breath.
“That’s it,” Carmilla whispered. She wrapped her arms very lightly around Laura and placed her palms on her chest. “In and out.”
Laura nodded and continued to take gulping breaths.
“It’s okay. You’re okay,” Carmilla whispered. Her hands rose and fell every time Laura took a breath. “See? You’re okay.”
“Let her go!” Elle screamed.
“Hush,” Carmilla growled. “Ignore her, Laura. I’ve got you. Just take a breath.” She waited for Laura to do so. “Another one.”
Laura continued to copy her movement. In and out. Once she had a little better control of her breathing, she felt the tears burning in her throat.
She was humiliated. She’d come over here last night and… She couldn’t think about that. Carmilla was stilling holding her. She wanted to pull away but she was afraid the panic would come back. She leaned further into the woman and let herself be held until she could calm her heart rate. She couldn’t stop the tears that pooled in her eyes, but she figured if she kept her back to them, she could postpone the moment when they figured out she was crying.
“You’re doing a good job,” Carmilla whispered.
Laura waited for her to say something else. To apologize. To break the spell, but she didn’t. She just held her.
She kept her eyes closed, even when she felt Carmilla turn her head and place her cheek against her hair. She didn’t want to know what Carmilla was looking at but then she heard Elle.
“I cannot fucking believe this,” Elle shouted. “I can’t fucking believe you. Either of you.”
Laura jumped when the door slammed shut.
“It’s okay. Don’t worry about her. You’re okay.” Carmilla turned her head back and rested her chin on Laura’s shoulder. She moved her hands and put them around Laura’s waist. “Take another deep breath.”
Laura obeyed. They stayed like that for a few moments, as Laura continued to breathe. She felt Carmilla’s arms tighten, but they weren’t restricting.
“I’m so…” Carmilla started.
“Please don’t…” Laura husked out.
Carmilla nodded against her shoulder. “Okay.” Laura felt her swallow roughly and realized she was crying.
It took a lot of strength to pull away from her but Laura finally did. When she turned around, Carmilla’s lips were pursed and her eyes were red and wild. She looked scared. She opened her mouth to speak, but Laura held up her hand.
“I can’t do this right now. I don’t know what to believe but I can’t think. Not in here. I’ve got to…” go, she didn’t finish. What if Elle went back to the apartment? Where was she going to go?
She needed air. She needed to be outside. She needed to be away from everything that was buzzing in her head.
She quickly moved over and grabbed her phone and keys. “I have to leave,” she said more forcefully.
Carmilla’s eyes brimmed with unshed tears. She swallowed several times and Laura watched her throat bob. “I know you have no reason to believe me, but…” She looked desperate. “…please don’t believe her instead. I wouldn’t hurt you, Laura. I’ve been trying to do everything but hurt you this whole time.”
Laura shook her head and the ridiculousness of it all. “Good job,” she deadpanned.
Carmilla’s throat bobbed again. “Please don’t do this.”
Laura frowned. “I’m not. I’m not doing anything but getting out of here and away from the two of you for the moment. I need to think.” She shook her head. “You owe me that.”
Carmilla nodded dejectedly. “What if she’s at your apartment?”
Laura shook her head. “I’m not going back to the apartment,” she told her. She walked to the door and opened it.
“Where are you going?” Laura’d never heard her sound so…so small.
“Don’t.” She shook her head. “I wish…” she couldn’t turn and look at Carmilla and she couldn’t finish. She couldn’t say that she wished this wouldn’t have happened. She wished she could believe her.
“I’m sorry,” Carmilla choked out. “God. I’m so sorry.”
Laura kept her back to the woman but she paused before she left. “I know you want me to believe you. I’m just not sure how I can right now,” she finished, closing the door.
She pretended not to hear Carmilla crying on the other side.
Laura found herself sitting on a park bench, a cup of coffee in her hand, completely unsure how she’d even ended up there.
She wanted to think about Elle. What she was going to do about her. What Elle’d lied about. She wanted to think and figure it out and… and all she could think about was Carmilla.
Carmilla. The woman who supposedly hated her. Except she didn’t. Except she’d comforted Laura at that bar. Except she flirted with Laura and Laura flirted back. Except she let Laura into her home. Except she let Laura… do what she did last night and then she’d held her in her sleep.
Laura slept on Carmilla’s chest last night. She hadn’t even moved. She hadn’t wanted to move. Carmilla helped her breathe today.
She groaned to herself.
She wasn’t expecting the revelation about Betty. She was expecting Elle to come over, to be angry, to shout. She wasn’t stupid. But she didn’t expect Elle to say what she had about Carmilla. And she didn’t want to believe Elle. She was sure she shouldn’t believe Elle… but… what if she should? Laura was a firsthand witness to the women Carmilla ran through. Hell, she hadn’t even remembered Elsie’s name. What if Elle was right about her?
Laura tried so hard to win Carmilla over. She just wanted Elle’s friend to like her. At least that what’s she told herself for two months. Had she actually wanted more than that? She didn’t lie last night. She’d dreamed about Carmilla more than once. More than a few times, honestly. But she’d told herself they were just dreams. Everyone had them. It didn’t mean anything.
Except it did.
Laura didn’t know what to do. She took out her phone and scrolled through her contacts. Who’d give her the best advice? Who’d be the most honest?
“…and after the panic attack, I left,” Laura finished. She took a deep breath. She’d just babbled and rambled through the whole story.
“Wow,” Laf said. “When I asked what was wrong I didn’t expect that.”
“No kidding.”
“I didn’t know you had panic attacks.”
“I don't. Not normally anyway. I’ve only had one other.”
“When?” Laf asked.
Laura sighed. “After I found out about my mother. It was terrifying…is terrifying. I can’t breathe and my heart hurts…” She took a breath to calm herself. “It’s awful. Safe to say I don’t ever want to feel that way again.”
“Can’t blame you there,” Laf agreed. “So what're you gonna do?”
Laura sighed and switched her phone to her other ear. “That’s why I called you.”
Laf chuckled. “I can’t tell you what to do, Laura. You should’ve called Danny if you were looking for that.”
Laura chucked back. “I know. I just want advice.”
“Okay. Put two fingers against you throat.”
“What?”
Laf sighed. “Against your pulse point on your throat.” They waited a beat and Laura complied. “Okay? Can you feel your pulse?”
“Yeah…”
“Elle.”
“Again what?”
“Elle,” Laf said again.
“What are you talking about?”
“Carmilla,” Laf answered.
“Huh?”
“Have you moved your fingers?”
“No,” Laura shook her head before she realized Laf couldn’t see her. “No. I haven’t.”
“Carmilla,” Laf said again.
“Oh,” Laura answered suddenly getting it.
“Which one made your heat beat faster?”
“Say their names again.”
“Elle,” Laf said and waited another beat. “Carmilla.”
“Oh,” Laura said again. “Okay.”
“Let me guess. Carmilla. Am I right?”
“How did you…”
“I didn’t,” Laf interrupted. “But you just told me.”
Laura closed her eyes and sighed. “What am I gonna do?”
“What do you want to do?”
It was a valid question. “I want to go back and talk to her. Find out what’s going on. God she was… I heard her crying when I left.”
“Carmilla?”
“Yeah.”
“So go talk to her.”
“What about Elle?” Laura asked.
“What about her? Laura if you don’t love Elle, you have to fix it. You owe it to yourself. I’m not sure if you owe it to either of them, but it’s not really my room to judge so I won’t.”
Laura smiled softly. “That’s why I called you. Danny’d fly over here and Perry…”
“…would just cluck her tongue and worry. You made a good choice.”
“I know,” Laura said.
“We miss you.”
“I miss you guys too. Maybe I’ll come visit soon. I’d like to see my dad too.”
“Sounds good,” Laf answered. “Now get off your butt and go get answers. You deserve them.”
Laura thanked them again, promised to keep them updated, and hung up. She stayed on the bench a little while longer. She wanted to finish her coffee. And maybe she needed to psyche herself up a little.
Finally she pulled out her phone.
Laura: Hey
Carmilla: Hey. Are you okay? Where are you?
Laura: At the park. I told you I needed to clear my head.
Laura watched the ellipses that told her Carmilla was typing her back. Either it was a long text or she was erasing and retyping.
Carmilla: Did it work?
So it was the latter. For whatever reason it made Laura’s stomach flutter.
Laura: I don’t know honestly.
Carmilla: At least let me know if you’re okay.
Laura: Do you care?
Carmilla: How could you ask me that?
Laura: Because I don’t know
Carmilla: Yes. Of course I do.
Laura wanted to believe her. She decided to be honest.
Laura: Then no. I’m not okay.
Carmilla: I’m so sorry.
She almost typed it’s not your fault. She was used to forgiving people. Maybe she forgave too easily? Maybe if she’d been more careful she wouldn’t have found herself here, in New York, with nobody.
Nobody? Was that true?
Laura: I know. But it doesn’t change how I feel.
Carmilla: How do you feel?
Laura: Like I’m some pawn in a game you and Elle are playing. Like neither one of you cared enough to even think about what your decisions would do. Like I have nowhere to go. Like I have no one here.
When the ellipses appeared this time, she assumed the text was longer. She wasn’t wrong.
Carmilla: You have every right to feel that way. I thought I was helping you but that doesn’t excuse what I did. You aren’t a pawn though. And it may be a game to Elle. I don’t know. But this isn’t a game to me. You aren’t a game. And you will always have somewhere to go. You aren’t alone here. I promise.
Laura put her fingers against her pulse again. Laf often said biology didn’t lie. They were right about that.
Laura: And Betty? Was all of that true?
Carmilla: Did I sleep with her? Yes. I did. Do I feel bad about it? Yes. Am I trying to repeat the past? No. No I’m not. I wasn’t drunk last night. I’m not that person anymore. I didn’t even give Betty a second thought.
Laura: That doesn’t make me feel any better at all.
Carmilla: I understand that it wouldn’t. But it’s true. But you… I can’t stop thinking about you. Not since last night. Or last week. Or hell, two months ago when I met you. It took everything in me not to run after you.
Laura read the text three times before another one appeared.
Carmilla: Why’d you text me and not Elle?
Laura: How do you know I haven’t texted her?
Carmilla: Have you?
Laura: No.
Carmilla: Then why?
Because you’re the one that makes my heart beat faster, Laura thought. You’re the one that I want to see. Speak to. You’re the one I want to believe.
Laura: An experiment.
Carmilla: ???
Laura: One my friend taught me. According to the results, I didn’t have a choice. I had to choose you.
Carmilla: Well remind me to thank your friend. You’ll have to tell me about that one day. I mean if you ever speak to me again.
Laura: Do you want to see me again?
Carmilla: Do you have to ask me questions when you already know the answer?
Laura: Maybe
Carmilla: Of course I do.
Laura thought about asking her to meet her somewhere, but she realized she hadn’t changed clothes and she didn’t want to go home. She did buy a toothbrush before she stopped in the coffee shop. She decided she’d stop by a restroom and brush her teeth so she didn’t feel completely gross. She really wished she could take a shower. She was still thinking when her phone buzzed again.
Carmilla: Will I?
Laura: Will you what?
Carmilla: Get to see you again?
Laura: Still at home?
Carmilla: Yeah. I’m not going anywhere.
Laura didn’t reply at first, so Carmilla texted her again.
Carmilla: If you’re waiting for an invitation, this is me inviting you. Again. And you don’t have to wait for an invitation every time. It’s standing. Okay?
Laura: Okay.
Carmilla: So are you coming back?
Laura: Give me thirty minutes.
The text ellipses disappeared and reappeared several times. Laura waited a full three minutes for the reply.
Carmilla: Thank you.
Laura didn’t answer her. Mostly because she had no idea how.
Thank you.
For answering me, Carmilla thought. For giving me another chance. For coming back over here.
Please come back.
She’d spent the first thirty minutes after Laura left sitting on her couch, stunned. She wasn’t sure what surprised her. Elle coming over? Not really. She’d expected that. Not even the mention of Betty because she should’ve expected that. In fact, almost nothing Elle said or did surprised her.
No. Nothing really surprised her except the depth of emotion she experienced when she say Laura’s face. When she realized Laura doubted her. When Elle used the word love.
She couldn’t love Laura. She didn’t even know Laura.
Except she did. She listened to everything Laura said. She knew her best friend’s names were Lola Perry and Lafontaine (they were non-binary, Carmilla remembered) and Danny Lawrence. She knew Danny and Laura dated before she met Elle. She knew her father’s name was Greg. She knew that he was protective and that Laura talked to him at least three times a week. She knew her mother died in a car accident when Laura was in high school. She knew Laura loved Dr. Who and could name every villain in every season of Buffy. She knew Laura was afraid George R.R. Martin wouldn’t finish The Song of Ice and Fire.
She knew she wanted to be a journalist. She knew her favorite professor’s name was Dr. Love and that Laura found that hilarious.
She knew she loved cookies and when she missed home, she’d drink cocoa because her mother made it for her as a child.
She knew Laura was a romantic. That she believed in true love. That she trusted people and wanted to make the world a better place. She knew she wanted to travel and she wanted her father to be proud of her and she wanted children.
Carmilla knew more about her than she knew about anyone else in the world. She’d told herself for so long she hated Laura. Hated the way she smiled and laughed and thought the world was black and white and perfect and good. She told herself everything but the truth. The only thing Carmilla hated at the moment was herself.
When Laura couldn't breathe, when she panicked, the only thing Carmilla could process was she had to help her. She pushed every bit of terror at the situation, at what Elle said, at what they’d done, all of it, as far down as she could and she put her arms around her and she tried to help her breath because if Laura couldn’t breathe, Carmilla wouldn’t.
The fuckedupness of the situation was not lost on her. The only person in the world Carmilla believed could make it better and she’d let her friend, hell she’d let herself, hurt her.
She sat in her guilt until she could no longer stand it and then she’d taken a shower and lay down on the couch. She kept her phone clutched in her hand and she had to almost physically stop herself from calling or texting Laura. From checking on her. When it vibrated and Laura’s name appeared, Carmilla’s heart skipped a beat.
She knew the girl hadn’t forgiven her. Knew it would take more than some well-placed words on a phone screen, but the fact Laura was coming back, that she wanted to, was all Carmilla cared about.
She got up and made coffee. She couldn’t just sit still. Otherwise she’d be counting every second until Laura walked back through her door and she wasn’t sure she could survive the insanity that implied.
She was pouring herself a cup of coffee when the buzzer rang. She jumped at the sound invading the silence and ran over to the intercom.
“Hey,” she said as she pushed the button.
“Hey,” Laura answered. “Can I come up?”
“Of course,” Carmilla answered and buzzed her in.
She’d already slid the door open when Laura walked up.
“Hey,” Laura said again. “You took a shower.”
Carmilla nodded at the observation. “Uh yeah. I couldn’t just sit here and…” she shook her head and stopped talking. “Do you want to? Take a shower?”
Laura frowned. “I don’t have anything to wear.”
“Crazy thing but I actually have other clothes besides the ones I’m wearing.”
“I’m not sure I’d look good in your shorts and knee socks.”
I’d beg to disagree, Carmilla didn’t say. “I’ve got yoga pants and t-shirts you can’t see through. So the offer still stands.”
Laura studied her for a moment before she nodded. “Okay. If you’re sure you don’t mind?”
Carmilla waved her off. “Bathroom’s through there,” she pointed. “Go ahead and I’ll grab them.”
When she’d pulled out the clothes, she realized she should’ve told Laura to wait. The bathroom door was shut now. What was she supposed to do? “Shit,” she mumbled to herself before she knocked.
“Yeah,” Laura called. “You can come in.”
Carmilla shook her head and again found herself praying for strength as she tentatively opened the door.
Laura was already in the shower. The shower curtain wasn’t clear but it was definitely on the wrong side of sheer. Carmilla tried not to audibly groan and instead immediately looked up at the ceiling. “So, uh…here’s the clothes.” She fumbled for a towel under the sink. “And a towel. There are more under the sink if you need them.”
She heard the shower curtain squeak but she didn’t look down.
“Are you looking at the ceiling?” Laura asked.
Carmilla couldn't help but groan this time. Of course Laura would call her out. Jesus. “Just giving you your privacy, Cupcake.” I thought it meant you wanted to eat me. Fuck. “Uh…Laura.”
Laura giggled. “Are you afraid to see me naked?”
Carmilla closed her eyes. “Define afraid.”
“Just leave the clothes on the counter.”
Carmilla did and went to leave.
“Can you hand me the towel first? I’ve got some soap in my eyes and…”
Seriously? Carmilla thought. She closed her eyes and moved in the general direction of the shower, the towel held out in front of her.
“Are your eyes closed?”
“Maybe,” she muttered.
Laura laughed again. “Okay. Thanks for the towel,” she teased, taking it. “I’ll let you off the hook. Just be careful leaving with your eyes closed.”
“I’m trying to be respectful.”
“You can’t see anything,” Laura added. Carmilla heard the curtain squeak closed. “So do me a favor and open your eyes so you don’t trip walking out of here. If you fell and I had to jump out to help you that would just ironically defeat the whole purpose of you avoiding seeing me naked to begin with.”
Jesus Christ, Carmilla thought. She slowly opened one eye and then the other. Laura was right; she couldn’t see anything. Except she could. She could see the outline of everything. Apparently Laura spent all of her free time at the gym. So that was cool. Or... you know, whatever.
Carmilla spun around quickly. “Right. So I’m just gonna go,” she said.
“Don’t hurt yourself,” Laura called behind her.
Carmilla shut the door and leaned against it, bumping her head back lightly. “What the hell, Karnstein?” She whispered. “Could you be anymore of a teenage boy?”
She heard the shower turn off and jumped away from the door, running back towards the kitchen.
Laura came out of the bathroom about ten minutes later, towel-drying her hair. Carmilla tried not to stare at the fact that she was wearing her clothes. No one had ever worn her clothes before. She liked it. A lot.
Laura smiled softly, a little shyer now that she was out of the shower.
“What would you like for breakfast?” Carmilla asked her.
Laura shook her head. “I’m not really hungry.”
“Neither am I. But I should eat and so should you. So humor me.”
Laura shrugged. “Chocolate?”
"Chocolate?" Carmilla stopped what she was doing. “Chocolate what?”
“It doesn’t matter.”
“You want chocolate for breakfast?”
Laura nodded.
“Okay…” Carmilla answered. “Let’s see if I have something chocolate.” She opened and closed a couple of cabinets. She turned back around. “Don’t you want something a little more nutritious than chocolate?”
Laura pretended to be thinking. “Nah. Chocolate’s good.”
Carmilla shook her head. She didn’t have any chocolate because she didn’t live with a six year old. “I have Nutella? It’s not chocolate exactly but I could make some toast and you could…”
Laura grinned. “That’s perfect.”
Carmilla nodded. She placed a bowl of fruit in front of Laura along with the Nutella and bread. “Strawberries?”
“If I can put Nutella on them.” Laura smiled, taking a drink of the coffee Carmilla handed her.
“Strictly speaking I guess you can put Nutella on anything you eat,” Carmilla said, sitting down beside her.
“Even cupcakes?” Laura asked innocently.
Carmilla almost choked on her coffee.
After they finished breakfast and Laura helped her clean, they moved back onto the couch.
“Do you feel better?” Carmilla asked and then realized how that sounded. “I mean after the shower?”
Laura nodded. “Yeah. Thank you. I’ve been thinking about one since I left.” She scrunched her face. “Well not just that, I guess. But it’s hard to think when you want a shower.”
Carmilla nodded. “I’m glad you came back. I know I don’t have a right, but…I was worried.”
Laura frowned. “I’m sorry about the whole not breathing right thing. I’ve…”
“No,” Carmilla stopped her. “Jesus. Don’t apologize for that. That wasn’t your fault.”
Laura nodded. “It’s only happened one other time.”
Carmilla noticed her hesitation. “You don’t have to tell me about it.”
Laura shrugged. “Maybe I want to?”
“Then please do.”
Laura frowned before she pushed a piece of hair behind her ears. “I was in Calculus when I found out. I hate Calculus. In fact, I hate math altogether. I always have. But I really hate it now.”
At least they agreed on something. “Calculus is evil.”
Laura smiled sweetly. “The principal came in that day and stood in the doorway. She was one of those principals everyone was afraid of, you know?”
Carmilla nodded.
“When she said we need to see Laura Hollis, the whole class started oohing liking I was in trouble.” She frowned and looked down at her lap. “I really wish that was the reason. But I just sort of knew when I saw her face. You know?"
Carmilla nodded again because she felt like she was supposed to. She didn't interrupt her though.
"There were several people in the hallway. Her. The nurse. One of the counselors. And then I saw my dad’s sister, my Aunt Stacy walking towards us. Her face... She was crying but she was trying to hide it.” She fiddled with her hands in her lap. “I knew. I think maybe I screamed the word no. I definitely screamed something. When they said, your mom… that’s when I stopped breathing. My heart…” she took a deep breath.
“You don’t have to finish.” Carmilla wanted to hold her. Do something. She had no right though, so she didn’t move.
“…my heart… I felt it break in my chest. It hurt. It physically hurt.” She finally looked up. “Have you ever felt anything like that?”
Carmilla shook her head softly. “No. I’m sorry.”
“Don’t apologize for that. I wouldn’t wish that on anyone. Especially you.”
“I’m sorry it hurt you,” Carmilla clarified. She ignored the way her stomach dropped. “I’ve heard people say that’s what heartbreak feels like. A physical pain.”
“It does.” Laura frowned. “The next thing I knew I couldn’t breathe. I couldn’t stop my heart from racing and I couldn’t get the air to leave my lungs. I woke up in the nurse’s office with my aunt standing over me. I passed out.”
Carmilla frowned again. “I’m sorry we made you feel that way again today. And for what it made you remember.” She felt horrible.
Laura shook her head. “I didn’t pass out. You stopped it.”
“I didn’t do anything…” …but cause it, she didn’t finish.
“You actually did,” Laura said. “You helped me breathe. When I felt you breathing I concentrated on that. Just like you said. You kept me from feeling…feeling like I felt that day.” She sighed. “So thank you.” She waited a beat. “Where’d you learn to do that?”
“To do what?” Carmilla asked.
“The panic attack thing. Where’d you learn to do that?”
Carmilla shook her head. “I didn’t. I just wanted you to breathe.”
“Oh,” Laura said quietly. “Oh,” she repeated. “Thank you then. For helping me. And for not freaking out. I felt like I was choking until you did that.”
So had Carmilla but in a completely different way. She shrugged and pressed her lips together. “You have no reason to believe me and I don’t blame you if you don’t. But I want to be honest because I haven’t been.”
Laura swallowed and nodded slowly. “Okay…”
“Your mother’s name is Anna.” Carmilla looked away from her.
“What? I…I’ve never told you that. I’m not even sure Elle knows that. My dad calls her Blair. It's her middle name.”
“I know.” Carmilla nodded. “But one night at one of those parties Elle dragged us to…you’d had too much wine. And you were sitting on the couch between us… Elle and me… and you whispered to her, my mom’s real name is Anna. Elle kinda nodded. I’m pretty sure she didn’t hear you. But I did. Even though you weren’t talking to me.”
Laura bit her lip and then realized Carmilla noticed and stopped. “Why are you telling me this?” She wasn’t being accusatory. She just seemed genuinely confused.
Carmilla realized this was one of those moments. Those moments people always talk about. When everything would change one way or another. She didn’t have a choice. She’d come too far to back out and she wasn’t sure even wanted to.
“Because I listen to everything you say,” she whispered.
“What?” Laura whispered back.
“I don’t just hear everything you say. I listen. I want to know. Since the first time I met you, I’ve wanted to know everything about you.” She sighed and ran her fingers through her hair. “I don't have any right to want that. And I figured I wouldn’t get a chance because…because of Elle and what I’d done to her and…I just needed you to get away from her." She pushed her hair out of her face once again. It was important to have something to do with her hands. "She didn’t love you. She doesn’t.”
Laura nodded. “I know.”
Carmilla nodded back. “I knew she was going to hurt you. And I wanted to keep that from happening; even if it meant I scared you away. Mostly because it would scare you away. I thought about what it would’ve been like if I hadn’t been so stupid that night with Betty. If I hadn’t made such a colossal mess of it all. Why couldn't I have met you first?” She took a breath. She rarely spoke this much. “I’m sorry for the way I behaved. I’m sorry for letting Elle lie to you. I’m sorry for lying about the girl in her cohort. For letting Elle use me as an excuse when she lied. I don’t have an excuse. Elle knew I felt guilty for what I’d done and she knew I’d lied for her. But that’s on me.” She swallowed harder this time. “I’m just sorry. And I understand if you never want to see to me again. I deserve nothing less. But if you do…” she took a deep breath and turned to Laura. “…if you do, I’d want absolutely nothing more in the world.”
Laura watched her speak. She opened and closed her mouth a few times before she finally spoke. “You listen to everything I say?”
Carmilla nodded.
“Why?”
Carmilla shrugged. “You make my stomach flutter.”
“What?”
“You make my stomach flutter. You make my heart beat faster. You make me nervous.” Carmilla frowned. “You terrify me.” Before Laura could ask she shook her head. “Not you…but what you make me feel. I’ve never felt it. I wasn’t sure I even could.”
“Okay,” Laura finally said.
“I know it’s too much. I’ve probably freaked you out or…”
“No,” Laura interrupted. “It’s not. I just need…I need to process it maybe? It’s a lot to take in.”
Carmilla nodded. She was scared Laura would get up. That she would leave. That she’d never see her again. She wanted to put her hand somewhere besides her hair, anywhere, so that she could feel Laura and remind herself that she was still there.
Maybe Laura noticed. Maybe Laura could read her mind. She didn’t care. All she cared about was that Laura took her hand.
“Hey,” she said. “It’s okay. I just need a few minutes. Don’t freak out. Okay?”
Carmilla nodded again.
“Okay?” Laura tried again.
“Okay,” she found herself answering.
They sat in silence for longer than Carmilla was comfortable. Finally Laura got up and poured herself another cup of coffee.
“I didn’t even drink coffee before I moved to New York. The time change was crazy though. I couldn’t sleep and I was always tired. Elle wanted this ridiculously expensive coffeemaker. For whatever reason, I bought it for her. But I felt guilty spending that much money on a coffee machine and it not getting to do its job. So I made myself drink coffee so it would have a purpose outside of the one cup Elle made every morning.” She frowned.
Carmilla tilted her head to the side. “You started drinking coffee because you felt sorry for your coffee machine?”
Laura nodded. “Pretty much.”
“Well…okay. That’s…yeah.” She had no idea how to respond to that. Cute popped in her head quicker than she’d like, but she figured it wasn't the best time to say that.
Laura shrugged. “Anyway. Now I like coffee.” She turned back to look at the coffeemaker. “I always feel like I’m cheating on Stella when I use a different one though.”
“Stella?” Carmilla asked.
“Yeah. My coffeemaker.”
Carmilla nodded. “You named your coffeemaker.” It wasn’t a question. She just felt she needed to state it out loud so she’d believe it.
“Of course,” Laura answered anyway.
“Of course,” Carmilla repeated.
“What’s her name?” Laura waved towards Carmilla’s coffeemaker.
“Uh, I’m not sure?” Carmilla answered. “She hasn’t told me.”
Laura shook her head. "Well of course she didn't tell you. You do realize that your coffeemaker can't talk, right?"
"Okay..." Carmilla answered. "Then I guess I haven't gotten around to naming my appliances yet? Seems like a big decision and I wouldn't want to mess it up."
“She looks like a Blanche.”
“Blanche, huh?” Carmilla smiled. “You name all your appliances after Tennessee Williams’s characters?”
Laura smiled back. “Maybe.” She took a sip of her coffee and sat back down. “Also it’s kind of cool you realized where I got the names,” she muttered and bumped Carmilla with her shoulder.
“You might’ve mentioned that you wanted to see Streetcar on stage once or twice. Personally, I prefer Maggie the Cat.”
Laura rolled her eyes. “You would.”
"Hey," Carmilla scoffed and bumped her shoulder back. “Liz Taylor was hot.”
“Well, if you ever get another coffeemaker you can name her Maggie.”
“Hold on. Why can’t I just name the one I have Maggie?”
Laura shook her head and Carmilla was tickled at how serious she actually looked. “Because I've already named her. Duh. If we’re gonna spend more time together, you’re gonna have to keep up.”
Carmilla nodded. “Is that what you want?”
Laura raised her eyebrow questioningly.
“For us to spend more time together?” Carmilla clarified. Why was she questioning her? Why couldn’t she just leave well enough alone?
“I think so,” Laura said.
“What if it’s not?” Carmilla asked, even though she didn’t want to.
“What do you mean?”
“What if you’re just scared? Or if you change your mind? What if Elle…”
“That's a lot of what ifs.” Laura stopped her. “Look. I don’t know what I want or what we’re doing. Until last night, I was pretty sure I was going to spend the rest of my life with your best friend.”
Carmilla shuddered. “I guess that’s my point.”
“And I would’ve made the biggest mistake of my life as well.” She sighed. “I know I’m naïve. Provincial.”
Carmilla winced as Laura threw words Carmilla had used when they first met back in her face.
Laura shrugged. “I get it. In fact, I’m well aware of what I don’t know.”
Carmilla nodded, afraid of what she was going to say next.
“But I’m not helpless. I’ve known for a while that Elle was a mistake. I was just afraid of saying it out loud. I mean that meant I’d have to admit that I’d basically given up everything and moved to another country for no reason. I’ve seriously considered just packing it all up, breaking the lease, and moving back home.”
Carmilla swallowed.
“But I don’t want to. I want to stay in school. And I love New York. I don’t need Elle in order to make it work.” She frowned. “And I don’t need you.”
“Right,” Carmilla whispered.
Laura shook her head. “You don’t understand. I don’t need you. It doesn’t mean that I don’t want to know you. I do. I really, really do. I won’t deny what you make me feel. I used to think it was because I couldn’t stand you. That our mutual dislike was the reason my heart sped up when you were in the room. That it was why my mouth went dry. But then when you’d ignore me or pretend like I wasn’t there…Gah, I couldn't stand it. I goaded you. You forgot that little tidbit didn’t you?”
“Are you serious?”
“I played every game you did. I wanted to.”
“The last few times I’ve seen Elle you weren’t with her though. You’ve been actively ignoring me.”
Laura nodded. “Because of how I felt. Not in spite of it. It scared me.” She tried smiling. “Look, I don’t know where this is going. I’m not asking to marry you or anything. I just want it to go somewhere. Or I at least want to try to see what’s there.” She sighed. “I believe you. The things you said. I know you’re telling the truth. I don’t know why I do because to be honest, you've pretty much lied to me the entire time we've known each other.”
“That’s fair,” Carmilla winced. “But I wasn’t lying earlier.”
“I know. Hence why I said I knew you weren’t, silly.” She patted Carmilla’s leg. “I guess this is all moot and beside the point right now because I need to get Elle out of my life first.”
Carmilla nodded, attempting to process everything. “Okay…”
Laura nodded. “You know her better than I do. What do we do? Or what do I do? Go over there and talk to her?”
Carmilla shook her head. Absolutely not. Especially not alone. Elle was beyond pissed when she’d left. She needed to cool down. She needed a couple of days if not a couple of weeks to cool down.
She swallowed and wondered if what she wanted to suggest was even wise. She wasn't sure, but she suggested it anyway. “Maybe you should stay here? Just for a few days. A week at the most. Give her a chance to find somewhere else to live. If she doesn’t feel cornered you could avoid a lot of heartache. I’ll go with you to get your stuff." Because I don't trust her, she didn't add. "If she’s there you can tell her what you’re doing. If she’s not you can call her.” She shook her head because she was close to babbling. “I’m not telling you what to do. You don’t have to stay here obviously. I can get you a hotel. Or you can get a hotel. Or…”
“Breathe,” Laura smiled. “It’s okay. I don’t mind staying here. Though we might have to rework our sleeping arrangements. I’m not sure you make the best bed for me to sleep on. At least not long term.”
Carmilla closed her eyes, took Laura's advice, and breathed through her nose. A part of her thought Laura had no idea what she was doing to her. And a part of her thought she knew exactly what she as doing.
“So could we go soon? I have school Monday and I don’t want to worry about a confrontation all weekend if I can help it. Maybe I can talk to the building manager too? If worst comes to worst, I’ll pay to break the lease and find somewhere else to live. But I think you’re right for what it’s worth. Angering her won't help anything.”
“You realize if she’s there she’s going to assume the worst?”
“Would she be wrong?” Laura asked.
That was a valid question, Carmilla thought. “Would she?”
“If she assumes we’re trying to hurt her. Then yes. But if she assumes you and I feel something for each other… then no. I think she’d be pretty right about that.”
Carmilla smiled softly. “Me too, Cupcake.”
“Don’t you mean Laura?” She smiled.
Carmilla smiled. “I don’t know. I kind of like the name cupcake,” she winked.
“Fine.” Laura smacked her arm playfully. “Just don’t get any ideas about slathering me in Nutella.” She jumped up and ran to bathroom. “Too much coffee!” She called.
Carmilla’s mouth was still hanging open when Laura closed the door. She fell face first on the couch.
"Screwed," she mumbled into the cushion.