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Maybe it was the way you smiled, maybe it was the way your laugh seemed to make his stomach do flips, or how you seemed to light up every room you entered. Despite all the explanations he could think of he couldn’t face it, his emotions, his nervousness, his chances. He knew that you could except him, maybe even reciprocate but his insecurities said otherwise.
‘She knew you before. She knows what you were like. She knew the you that was no more than a guy with a decent singing voice. She knows how much you changed for debut. She probably only became your friend out of pity. She was probably dared to befriend you; why else would she have? Even if she excepted you now it would just be for the fame. Would it even be worth it? What if the media found out? Would you be able to hide it from the media? From the company? What if you have to hide it from your members? What would you even do?’
He wasn’t sure what to do. He wished he could ignore it. To be able to rest at the end of practice without thinking of you. He didn’t want to feel his heart pounding in his chest every time your caller ID came up on his phone. He wanted to be able to lay his head down without you being the last thing he thought about before going to sleep. He didn’t want you to be the girl in his dreams, to be the only girl in his dreams. He didn’t want to want you as more than a friend.
But he did want you next to him. He wanted to be able to hug you without worrying you might change your mind and push him away. Every time you walked next to him he wanted to hold your hand and toy with your fingers without thinking twice about it. He wanted to hear you say you loved him in the romantic sense of the word and mean it wholeheartedly. He wanted you to himself.
Yet he couldn’t express it. Each time he tried it didn’t seem right, the words came out wrong or he couldn’t finish. So he stayed quiet. He couldn’t bring himself to say it. He didn’t admit that he wanted anything more.
He didn’t say it when you congratulated him on being scouted. He didn’t say it when you reminded him to rest after long days at practice. He didn’t say it when you always took care of him when he was sick. He didn’t say it when you comforted him when his confidence was low. He didn’t say it when you called him cute whenever he wore his glasses and insisted he wear them more. He didn’t say it when you dieted with him to help motivate him to keep going. He didn’t say it when he introduced you to his group members and they instantly liked you. He didn’t say it when you video called him as soon as he told you his group’s debut was confirmed. He didn’t say it when you called him every day he was in China to check that he was taking care of himself. He didn’t say it when you spent your free time visiting him between promotions. He didn’t say it when you told him how proud you were of him for all his hard work. He didn’t say it on New Year’s when you were the only person next to him, giving him a hug and a quick kiss on the cheek.
He kept it all in, never telling you, letting his heart swell with the feelings he refused to let out. He finally had to admit it to himself when Jinhoo asked how he felt about you. He gave a defeated sigh as he finally let the floodgates of his emotions break. He worried Jinhoo would laugh at him for being so honest, but he just gave him a sympathetic, comforting smile. With a pat on the back and a look that said he understood, Jinhoo offered what advice he could. He offered to be a listening ear for when Gyujin’s heart couldn’t hold all his emotions.
Jinhoo wasn’t exactly a shoulder to cry on, not that he couldn’t be, but there was nothing to really cry about. He listened to Gyujin when his plans didn’t work out, encouraging him each time to keep trying. When Gyujin asked for help Jinhoo gave what advice he could, yet Gyujin could never get it to work out right. His words got mixed up, his plans wouldn’t work, or something got in the way. He’d try and fail, and despite how obvious he was sure he was being you never seemed to catch on to what he was trying to do. You just smiled and comforted him when the original plans didn’t work out, then offer to take him out to something else to brighten his mood. You’d still smile afterwards saying you loved spending time with him, even though the plans didn’t work out, even though it wasn’t the love he hoped you meant. You always seemed to have a backup plan, you didn’t have to spend time with him but you did. He loved you for it. You always seemed to go out of your way to make him smile, and you smiled back just as much.
It wasn’t a surprise to you whenever he was building something with his nanoblocks. You had said it was a cute hobby, complimenting him on what he made. Aside from his dance and voice, building things from his nanoblocks was an easy outlet to calm his mind and relieve stress. It eased his over worked heart, so he put his heart into it.
The other members gave questioning looks when they saw him working only with a pile of pink nanoblocks. They giggled and teased him lightly when they saw the diagram instructions he was using. They chuckled when he’d come back from spending time with you and get to working with his pile of blocks with his cheeks slightly flushed. They also woke him up when he fell asleep after staring at his little project. They also helped pick up the blocks he’d accidently sweep onto the floor when his arms clumsily moved. And when you came by surprise they distracted you while Gyujin hid the pieces.
You had almost caught him while he was working. You were visiting but he still wanted to work on the mini project. The other guys were busy or doing other things so you grabbed Gyujin a snack and some water. When you walked up behind him placing the snack next to him he jumped and hunched over what he was working on, pulling the blocks and diagram in under him.
“Gyujin, is something wrong?” You almost looked hurt but mostly concerned.
He felt a shot of pain in his heart, “No, no everything’s fine…” He hesitantly looked away as you kept staring down at him with a worried look.
“Is it what you’re building?” You asked taking notice of the few nanoblocks that weren’t under his arms. He hunched over his things more defensively with his classic pout. “You usually let me see though.”
“I want it to be a surprise. I’ll let you see when I finish but… you can’t see it now.” You pouted, he worried he might have actually hurt your feelings but you were clearly only feigning annoyance.
“Alright but make sure you eat.” You said as you turned leaving him be.
He sighed watching as you left. He sat back up looking down at the nanoblocks he was assembling. He held the mini-build in his hands, staring at the nearly completed 8-bit style heart. He checked over his shoulder before holding it up to eye level as he turned it around. He looked down at the snack you brought him smiling. He then went back to assembling the 8-bit heart.
He finally finished his heart. It was about the size of his fist and fit comfortably in his hand. While assembling it he used glue to secure the pieces together, not wanting it to fall apart like his plans tended to. He had invited you out on his day off, suggesting a walk in the nearby park followed by the two of you getting ice cream. He had gotten a little bag to hold the heart in, he had carefully tucked the heart in, cushioning it with some tissue paper. He put the bag itself into his messenger bag to keep it a surprise. If he knew things would work out he wouldn’t have hidden the bag but he wanted to make sure that he could wait for the right moment, he didn’t want things to fall apart from the start.
He tried to calm his heart as he went to meet you. He kept looking up at the sky, checking that the weather was staying clear. When he got closer he could see you waiting. You were just standing, almost calmly looking overhead. As he approached he started gripping the strap of his messenger bag closer. He was hesitant. He was nervous. His insecurities yelling at him that this plan wouldn’t work out just like all his other ones haven’t. When you turned to look at him though, his fears vanished. Your smile comforting him and reminded him why he was trying. It was you.
“Gyujin! There you are. I checked the weather earlier, nothing for us to worry about today thankfully.” You said greeting him with one of those smiles that made him wonder why you were willing to be friends with him when you had so many other options available to you. He sighed trying to calm his nerves.
“Ah (Y/N). That’s good. Have you eaten? I might be keeping you for a while before we leave.” He said chuckling as he felt his cheeks flush.
“I’m fine. I had something to eat before coming. Let’s start that walk. How are you?” You were casual with him like always. Nothing changed that. You were leading him, even though he had meant to take charge to show how manly he was he still preferred letting you have our way.
You both walked closely together, your shoulders brushing occasionally. You talked about how school was going and he mentioned the Maknae’s most recent antics. You laughed together as you pointed out scenery to each other. He had worried you might get bored on the walk but you were enjoying yourself. It set Gyujin’s mind at ease. About half way through the park you both decided to stop at a bench to rest. You sat down first, leaning back against the bench as you stretched out your legs and rolled your ankles. He chuckled at you.
“Are you tired already? Did you not rest well the night before?” He asked taking the spot next to you.
“Maybe, but I think I just need a moment to relax is all. This is fun. Thank you for asking me to come.” You said flashing a smile at him.
Gyujin sat back taking a minute to compose himself. You had been enjoying yourself so far, and seemed to be enjoying his company. Could he risk ruining that mood to confess? Surely it wouldn’t ruin your day, right? Ah, but if you turned him down there was still half the park to walk through. Would that be good since it would give you two time to talk if you excepted or bad in case you rejected him harshly?
He didn’t realize how deep in thought he was until you poked his shoulder, “Gyujin, are you alright? You seem distracted.”
He shook his head, “Yeah I’m good. I just…” he decided it was now or never. He needed to try letting it out while he still had the chance.
He stood up from the bench. He took a deep breath before facing you. He bit his lip as he pulled at his messenger bag. He went through his bag and stared in at the bag that held the heart, his potentially fragile heart, before looking back up at you. He felt a surge of panic as you stared at him, he worried he might have given off the wrong impression and got you worried. Before letting his nerves talk him out of it he looked down at the 8-bit heart one last time.
“(Y/N) there’s something I need to tell you…” He reached into the bag grabbing the heart out the bag. He held it in his hand, obscured by the messenger bag. He then looked you in the eye before finally pulling out the heart.
He held it out to you, bare in his hands, “…I finished it…I know it’s not much, but please except it… even if you turn me down.” He felt his chest pounding from the intensity of his heart.
“…What do you mean?” He tried his best to hold eye contact as you gingerly took the heart out of his hand. You held it with care staring at him in what looked like disbelief.
“(Y/N) I’ve been trying to tell you, I’ve been trying for a while… I know it’s probably selfish of me, but I can’t help it. When I’m with you it feels like I’m in this state of bliss, like everything will stay as it is, stay right, if I’m with you. I-I wanted to say it before but I kept messing up and you never seemed to notice.” He didn’t know he was staring at the ground until he looked up at you, you’re face flush, he could feel his heart beating against his rib cage like it was trying to reach you.
“I just need to tell you… I like you, but the words aren’t enough. You’ve been with me through everything and I’m so terrified it was only out of pity or that it’s because of my group, but that’s because you mean so much to me. I don’t want to lose you over this but I can’t keep standing by idly as you continue to be the only person I can think about. I love you and I understand if you don’t feel the same but please just except that it’s how I feel. I don’t think it will change even if you turn me down. So, please let me down gently.” He was trembling, his fingers curling in to his sides as he tried his best to look at you while praying that you wouldn’t break his soft heart.
“Gyujin… you honestly felt that way?” You were holding the nanoblock heart close to you as you stared up at him your eyes scanning his face for something he wasn’t sure of.
“Yes… You mean a lot to me… I just couldn’t bring myself to tell you. I didn’t want to ruin what we have.” He looked down, feeling like things would crash and burn any minute now.
“You could have told me sooner Gyujin… I didn’t know how to tell you either, so I liked you as best I could without letting you know… You never had anything to worry about. I wanted to approach you, and it was the best decision I’ve ever made... I’m not turning you down, I feel the same.” He stared at you as you looked away, rubbing at your eyes as if you were about to cry.
You stood up from your seat on the bench, you looked at Gyujin as you pulled him in for a hug, pressing a kiss to his cheek. He hugged you back, feeling like time had slowed down even though it was passing too quickly for him. He held onto you, leaning on you for support from his weak knees. You pulled back, still holding him up, smiling at him as you tried to correct his posture so he wouldn’t fall.
“Thank you for telling me Gyujin. I don’t know when I would have worked up the courage to.” You said with your face flush while pressing the 8-bit heart to your own chest.
“I’m glad I did… than…” He had smiled but trailed off in thought making you worried as he looked off to the side.
“Than what?”
“Than, can I ask for your love in the future too?” Gyujin’s face was red as he asked, he was fidgeting with his fingers while he avoided your gaze.
“Y-yeah you could…” Your face was horribly flushed and gyujin couldn’t help grinning at you with his still blushing face. “Why are you like this? It’s not fair that you can be this cute while asking that.” You huffed with your own pout showing.
Gyujin Chuckled. “Sorry to embarrass you so much. Would you still like to get that ice cream I mentioned before to cool down?” He asked offering you his elbow.
You looked away still clutching the nanoblock heart as you linked arms with Gyujin, “Yeah, I’d like that. Let’s go.”
~End