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Jessica is ready to settle down for a long, leisurely afternoon of reading on her couch, maybe followed by a nap or two, when her doorbell rings.
She considers ignoring it, but there are only a handful of people who actually use the doorbell – Krystal complains that it doesn’t work half the time so she doesn’t even try anymore, Tiffany knocks so loudly Jessica feels like she does it right against her skull and Sooyoung just yells – and she has a feeling she knows who this one is.
Suppressing a sigh, she unfolds herself from the couch, sets her novel down on her coffee table and shuffles to the door in her slippers, walking awkwardly because she had put on the ones for the wrong foot without realizing.
“Hi.” Her visitor smiles nervously when she answers the door with her how can I not help you face. “Sorry, is this a bad time?”
Jessica casts a longing look toward her couch. “No.”
“Are you sure? I can come back.” Taeyeon bites her lip and tugs at the edge of her sleeve, looking like a kid sent to detention.
It makes Jessica soften. “No, you’re here already so you might as well just bother me all the way.”
“You always make me feel so welcome, Sica.”
“It’s what I do.” Jessica opens the door wider and steps back from it, almost tripping because of her mismatched slippers.
Taeyeon grabs onto her arm, her touch warm through a layer of clothing. “Are you okay?”
“Yeah. My feet are just half-asleep.”
Taeyeon comes in and trades her Converse for the fuzzy green slippers that Jessica keeps out for her. “They kind of look like peas, so they reminded me of you,” Jessica had explained, and Taeyeon had given her a smile she couldn’t quite read and run her hands carefully over the slippers like they’re made of glass.
“How about you?” Taeyeon asks.
“Me?”
“What fraction are you asleep?”
“Don’t make me do math right now,” Jessica whines. “I’m too tired.”
Taeyeon laughs. “You’re always tired.”
“Yeah, and you’re cutting into time I could spend napping.”
“I’m so sorry,” Taeyeon says wryly. “Do you want me to leave?”
Jessica has a better idea. “No, why don’t you…sing me to sleep?”
Taeyeon blinks. “Do you want me to?”
“Oh.” Jessica had totally expected Taeyeon to dismiss the idea as soon as she proposed it. “You actually would?”
“Of course I would,” Taeyeon says softly, “if you want me to.”
“I—” Jessica takes a step back for no reason, almost trips over her own feet and blurts out, “I have the wrong slippers on.”
Taeyeon eyes them. “Aren’t those the ones you usually wear?”
Jessica makes it to her couch and drops onto it, freeing her feet. “I put the left slipper on the right foot. Well, the wrong foot. The right foot but the wrong foot.”
Taeyeon laughs, the deep, throaty one that they always make fun of her for but Jessica secretly likes. “You’re really taking over from me in the puns department.”
Jessica makes a face. “Is that supposed to be a compliment or…”
“You love my puns.”
“They’re the lamest things I’ve ever heard.”
“You laugh at them.”
“I also laugh when people have spinach in their teeth or wear their shirts inside out. It doesn’t mean it’s an accomplishment.”
“Well, I do both all the time so I must be really accomplished.” Taeyeon’s grin makes it impossible not to smile back, but Jessica pretends to fix her hair to hide the curve of her lips from Taeyeon. She really doesn’t need her humour ego inflated any further.
“You have spinach in your teeth now.”
“I do?” Taeyeon’s hand flies to cover her mouth, and Jessica laughs.
“No. Did you even eat spinach today?”
“No, I heard it gives you bad breath.”
“Since when do you care about that? You eat garlic and onions all the time.”
Taeyeon opens her mouth and then closes it, like Jessica is asking her a supremely difficult question.
“Also, spinach doesn’t smell at all. Why would it give you bad breath?”
Taeyeon gives a helpless-looking shrug, looking small and vulnerable standing in the middle of Jessica’s living room in her flannel shirt and fuzzy slippers.
“Why are you standing over there? You can sit.” Jessica pats the spot next to her. Taeyeon doesn’t move and just keeps staring at her. “Taeng?”
“Jessica,” Taeyeon starts.
“Yeah, what is it?” Jessica’s eyebrows pull together. “Is everything okay?”
“Yeah,” Taeyeon says quickly. “Everything is fine. I just wanted to talk to you.”
“Okay, well you’ve been talking to me for the past ten minutes.”
“And what a wonderful ten minutes they’ve been,” Taeyeon says with a quirk of her mouth.
“Yeah, I should start billing people for my time, honestly. It’s such a precious resource.”
“Who are you going to bill for all the time you spend sleeping?”
“That’s a good question,” Jessica says thoughtfully. “The…Ashman? Is that his name?”
“You mean the Sandman?” Taeyeon supplies wryly, and Jessica beams.
“Yes, him!” She smiles. “I’ll bill him. He’s in charge of sleeping, isn’t he? I’m sure he’ll like me given how much I sleep.”
Taeyeon looks at Jessica like she can’t get over what a kid she is. “I’m sure he’ll love you.”
“As much as you love me?” Jessica teases, and Taeyeon freezes.
Taeyeon gives a weak chuckle. “Maybe. I doubt it.”
Jessica pouts. “You mean you don’t love me?”
Taeyeon’s eyes are trained on her slippers like they had suddenly sprouted peas. “What do you think?”
“I think…you love dookong and Jack Skellington more.”
“I love Kaonashi the most,” Taeyeon says lightly.
“I knew it,” Jessica sighs. “Our love is so tragic, Taeng.” She flops down on the couch and puts her novel over her face.
“What are you doing?” Taeyeon asks after a moment.
“Mourning,” Jessica says, her voice muffled through the pages.
“Over Kaonashi?”
“Over the fact that you don’t love me.”
“Oh.” There’s a strange note in Taeyeon’s voice. “I guess I should leave you to it then.” Jessica hears her footsteps, soft and dragging over the tile of her apartment, and she sits up and takes the book off her face in one sharp movement.
“Where are you going?”
Taeyeon turns back and gives her a startled look, her eyes dark and heavy with something Jessica can’t decipher. “Leaving you to your mourning.”
“You can’t do that!”
“I can’t?”
“You don’t just break someone’s heart and leave them there in shambles.”
Taeyeon’s mouth pulls up slightly. “You don’t look in shambles to me.”
“I believe in looking my best for everything, including heartbreak,” Jessica says with great dignity, and Taeyeon smiles, her real smile, the one that makes the dimple on her chin appear. Jessica’s chest feels strangely tight for a second. “Okay, jokes aside, didn’t you want to talk to me about something?”
“Yeah, I did.” Taeyeon has gotten very quiet and subdued within the past few minutes. Maybe Jessica should lay off the unrequited love jokes. They’re obviously making her uncomfortable, although Jessica can’t fathom why. They joke around all the time.
“So?” Jessica looks at her expectantly. “Go ahead. I won’t even bill you.”
“You’re so kind and generous.”
“Only towards you,” Jessica says sweetly, and Taeyeon gives her that unreadable look again. It makes Jessica’s stomach feel weird, like she had eaten something bad. She scrambles for something to say. “Do you want a drink or something?”
“No, thank you,” Taeyeon says, so politely that it makes Jessica feel awkward. Since when did Taeyeon talk like they’re acquaintances?
“Are you sure? I have that grapefruit cider you like.”
Taeyeon perks up, as Jessica knew she would. “I thought I finished the last bottle during Yoona’s party.”
“I bought some more. They’re your favourite, right?”
There’s that look again. “Right,” Taeyeon says slowly, “but I don’t want one right now. Maybe a bit later.”
“Who are you and what have you done with Taeyeon?” Jessica says, only half-jokingly. The Taeyeon she knows wouldn’t turn down a bottle of grapefruit cider unless the world was ending. Hell, probably not even then.
Taeyeon gives a sliver of a smile. “I just don’t want any alcohol right now. I want to say this sober.”
Jessica is suddenly worried that Taeyeon’s going to give her some very grave news, like she lost her job or they started a national holiday for cucumbers or something. “What is it?” she asks, her voice dropping.
Taeyeon stares at her for a long moment, like she’s at the last step of making an important decision. Jessica looks back with bated breath, wondering if she should have coaxed the question out of Taeyeon as soon as she came. She had seemed more than happy bantering with Jessica as per usual, so Jessica thought everything was fine, but she should have looked underneath the surface. She’s terrible at that, but she should have at least tried. It’s Taeyeon, after all.
“I wanted to ask your advice regarding something,” Taeyeon says, still in that quiet, subdued voice.
“Okay… Ask away.”
Taeyeon doesn’t say anything right away, and Jessica waits patiently for her to gather her thoughts – it’s Taeyeon, it takes her a while to say what she wants to say in the way she wants to say it – but after at least a minute passes in absolute silence Jessica starts wondering if she should say something.
Finally, just as Jessica opens her mouth, Taeyeon says something in a very quiet voice. So quiet that Jessica can’t even make it out.
“Sorry, you’re going to have to say that a little louder,” Jessica says. “I have many gifts but supersonic hearing isn’t one of them.”
That gets her a smile from Taeyeon, at least, but she still looks like something is weighing her down and Jessica doesn’t like it. She wants to take that weight off Taeyeon’s shoulders; she’ll put it on her own if she has to, even though hers aren’t strong by any stretch of the word.
“Taeyeon,” Jessica says softly. “You know you can tell me anything.”
“I know.” Taeyeon’s lips move minimally.
“Really, you can,” Jessica says, gentle but firm. “Anything. And if I can help you with it, I will.”
“I know,” Taeyeon says again, her voice stronger this time. Jessica gives her an encouraging smile, but it only seems to make her tenser. “I…like someone,” she finally says, the words sounding like they’ve been crushed through her throat.
Jessica freezes for a second, her stomach turning again, even worse than last time. She blames it on the betrayal of Taeyeon not telling her something of this magnitude. “You do?”
“Yeah, I do.” Taeyeon looks like it’s taking all her effort to maintain eye contact.
“It’s Tiffany, isn’t it?”
Taeyeon grimaces. “No. Just—no. She’s like a sister to me. That would be so…no.”
Jessica lets out a breath she didn’t know she was holding. It’s a relief Taeyeon doesn’t like Tiffany. She’s in a relationship already, and Jessica doesn’t want Taeyeon to get hurt.
“Sunny?”
“No.”
“Yuri?”
Taeyeon shakes her head.
“Yoona?”
“Can you stop naming all of our friends?” Taeyeon says, sounding amused. “You’re getting colder and colder.”
“Okay, so it’s not someone from our inner circle? Is it Bora? You’ve been spending a lot of time with her lately.”
“It’s not Bora,” Taeyeon says, “and I haven’t been spending that much time with her.”
“Your Instagram is full of photos of the two of you.”
“Sica, there are like two.”
“Is it that Canadian girl? Wendy?”
“No, it’s not.” Taeyeon sounds exasperated. “I barely know her.”
“Well, then who is it?”
“I want to tell her first.” Taeyeon looks away. “I just can’t…bring myself to do it.”
Jessica badly wants to ask who she is, but she holds the question back for now. “Is she in a relationship?”
“Not as far as I know.”
“Has she shown any signs of interest toward you?”
Taeyeon tilts her head to the side. “Depends on what you call ‘signs of interest.’”
“Does she talk to you regularly?”
Taeyeon smiles a little, as if at some inside joke. “Yes.”
“Has she ever gotten you any gifts?”
Taeyeon glances down at her feet. “Yes.”
“Has she ever flirted with you?”
“She just did it recently, actually.”
Jessica decides she doesn’t like this girl, whoever she is. Why is she sending Taeyeon all these signals and then leaving her so confused and unsure?
“I think there’s a good chance she likes you,” Jessica says, the words tasting bitter on her tongue. “You should just tell her you like her.”
“Do you think so?”
“Yeah, just don’t tell her one of your lame puns.”
“She likes my puns. She laughs at them.”
“Well, good for her. Good for you. You could use someone who finds your puns funny.”
Taeyeon clears her throat in a way that sounds suspiciously like she’s smothering a laugh. “So you think I should tell her?”
“Unless you want to pine for her forever.”
“I’ve already been pining for her for a long time,” Taeyeon says, her tone flippant at first but dragging down toward something near a sigh at the end.
Jessica looks at her seriously. “Taeyeon, you’re… You’re totally a catch, okay? You’re pretty and kind and thoughtful and funny when you’re not telling puns. And you sing like you could have been an idol in another life. If this girl doesn’t appreciate you, then it’s her loss.”
Taeyeon looks at her like she can’t believe she’s real, even though all Jessica did was list some obvious facts. “Do you think so?” she says, practically a whisper.
“I know so,” Jessica says firmly. She pushes down the bitterness rising in her chest at the thought of Taeyeon spending her free time with some other girl, making her laugh with her lame puns and singing her to sleep. “You should call her, okay? Don’t send a text or a kakao message. Call her. Do it right now.”
“Right now?”
“Well, I guess when you leave. But do it as soon as you’re out the door. And you can come right back in if something happens.”
“You mean, if she rejects me?”
“On the 0.01% chance that she rejects you. Or the 99.99% percent that she doesn’t. Either way, I have hugs and cider.”
Taeyeon gives another smile, dimple showing up again. “You’re the best, Sica.”
Jessica’s laugh sounds incredibly strained. “Aren’t I?”
“Okay.” Taeyeon sounds like she’s made up her mind. “I’m going to call her.”
“Yeah, you should.” Jessica’s voice almost catches on the last word.
“And you’ll be here no matter what happens, right?”
“No matter what,” Jessica says, her voice steady even as something inside her shakes.
Taeyeon smiles again and pulls her phone out of her pocket. She starts walking toward the door, and Jessica watches her take every step, unsure why her chest is hurting now instead of her stomach. Can food poisoning cause chest pain?
Taeyeon opens the door and steps out, and it closes quietly behind her. Jessica realizes that she hadn’t even changed her shoes, like she plans to come back at any second. Well, Jessica did tell her that she could and that Jessica would be waiting for her. She promised Taeyeon that and she meant it. She’s going to be a good, supportive friend no matter what happens. Whether Taeyeon gets rejected and wants to cry in her arms or her feelings are returned and she wants to celebrate with Jessica. She’s going to be a good, supportive friend. That means hoping for the second option even if merely imagining it makes the pain in her chest intensify.
She hears a familiar sound and it takes her a second to realize that it’s her ringtone. She fumbles her phone out of her pocket and answers the call without looking at the caller ID. “Hello?” she says dully.
“You always make me feel so welcome, Sica.” The familiar voice steals what was left of her breath. “…Jessica?”
“What did she say?”
“I haven’t asked her yet,” Taeyeon says casually. “But meanwhile, I realized I never answered one of your questions earlier.”
“What question?”
“You asked me something after you brought up Sandman.”
Jessica doesn’t give a damn about Sandman or Ashman or Whateverman right now, but she tries to humour Taeyeon anyway. Maybe she needs a light-hearted distraction before she calls—that girl. “Whether Sandman loves me?”
“Whether I love you,” Taeyeon says quietly.
Jessica stops breathing entirely.
“I know it’s not really fair of me to ask this, but…can you ask me again?” When only silence greets her, Taeyeon asks hesitantly, “Jessica?”
“Do you lo—do you—”
“Yes,” Taeyeon says. “I love you, Jessica. I’m in love with you.”
Jessica hears a clattering sound and she realizes that she dropped her phone, and normally she would be horrified and probably having a panic attack, but then the door opens and Taeyeon is staring at her, still wearing those fuzzy green slippers that Jessica had gotten her and in that flannel shirt that looks soft enough to rub her cheek against and with that look in her eyes that suddenly isn’t so hard to read.
“I don’t think I heard you properly,” Jessica says in a small voice.
Taeyeon closes the distance between them in a few strides and then she’s right in front of Jessica, who feels like she’s looking up at Taeyeon even though Taeyeon’s shorter. “I love you,” Taeyeon says again, and it doesn’t sound any less unreal the second time around.
“But,” Jessica says dumbly. “The girl you like…”
“I’m talking to her right now.”
“But… I asked you if you love me and you said no.”
“I didn’t say no. You were obviously making a joke out of it and I didn’t want you to think my feelings are a joke.”
Jessica carefully meets Taeyeon’s gaze, like mere eye contact might hurt. “But,” she says, even though she has nothing to say after it.
“Yes?” Taeyeon says patiently.
“But why didn’t you just tell me?”
“I’m telling you now. Is it too late?”
Jessica bites her lip. “I don’t like her.”
“Who?”
“The girl you like.”
Taeyeon looks like she doesn’t know whether to laugh or what. “I like you, silly.”
Jessica still can’t wrap her head around it. Taeyeon likes her? Taeyeon likes her? No, Taeyeon doesn’t just like her, Taeyeon— Taeyeon.
“I haven’t even asked you the all-important question though,” Taeyeon muses. “Do you… I mean, is this going to be the 99.99% scenario or the 0.01%?”
“Why are you making me do math again?”
There’s a smile in Taeyeon’s eyes and, as Jessica looks at her, it spreads to her mouth. “I guess I should put this in simple terms. Jessica, do you like me?”
Jessica wants to reply, wants to say yes, but with the way Taeyeon’s looking at her, it’s hard. She marvels at how she’s misinterpreted this look every time she’s seen it. It’s not just a few times either, she suddenly realizes. Taeyeon has looked at her this way many times, for a long time.
“You made my stomach hurt today,” Jessica says.
“I’m sorry?”
“You made my chest hurt too.”
“I’m really sorry.”
“You made me drop my phone.”
“I’m…running out of ways to apologize. I’ll get it fixed for you.”
“I love you.”
“I—what?”
“Taeyeon,” Jessica says. “I love you too.”
A smile breaks over Taeyeon’s face, slightly disbelieving, mostly wondrous, one dimple and two stars in her eyes. And then she’s closing the distance between them and tilting her face up to kiss Jessica. Her lips are soft, initially tentative but once Jessica opens her mouth, there’s no hesitation about the way Taeyeon uses her tongue. It’s really quite—wow.
“Is this why you didn’t want to eat spinach today?” Jessica asks afterward, because she’s amazing at pillow talk or whatever toned down version of it this is. “Because you wanted to kiss me?”
“I always want to kiss you,” Taeyeon says, so straightforwardly Jessica has no idea how to reply. “Mostly, I was scared I’d have spinach in my teeth.”
“I like it when you have spinach in your teeth.”
Taeyeon smiles. “Do you?”
“Yeah. The photos are great blackmail material.”
“Hmm. I wonder if Bora has any of those.” Taeyeon laughs at the look on Jessica’s face. “You’re so cute when you’re jealous.” Jessica is about to deny that, but Taeyeon kind of nuzzles against her neck and she’s rendered motionless. “I almost lost it multiple times when you were grilling me on my crush.”
“I was curious, okay? Curious, not jealous.”
“Sure, Sica. Whatever you say.” Jessica scowls, and Taeyeon kisses her nose, which makes the expression melt away. “It’s normal for you to be jealous. I’m totally a catch, remember?”
“You—I don’t like you.”
“You really shouldn’t be jealous of anyone, especially not yourself,” Taeyeon says, with one of her unfair smiles. “After all, you caught me.”
Okay, maybe Taeyeon’s lame puns aren’t so bad after all. And maybe Jessica does like her, just a little.