Chapter Text
It was a fairly mild day in Mid-April, a bit windy but mostly alright and Dave Strider had just come home from work to find his roommate confined to his room, the door mostly shut, a sliver of light visible from the front hall. As Dave took off his jacket, Johnny Cash's gravelly voice accompanied by John's nasal mumbling wafted out into the carpeted hall of their apartment. This had been the norm for a few days now.
At first Dave ignored his distressingly irritating gloom but the attempt was short lived, John wasn't eating anything and Dave was starting to get legitimately worried. The problem was, he had no idea how to fix this. He assumed it was more of Egbert's ingrained patheticisms and while he wished he could contact his sister he couldn't do so without fearing for his own sanity. So he logged onto Pesterchum and pulled up his friend's handle, the only one who was consistently online. He had known the guy since ninth grade and they'd been through a lot together so he figured somebody owed somebody. Plus, if anyone was an expert on matters of the heart, it was Karkat Vantas. As Dave typed, the singing stopped and the sound of John skipping back a couple songs could be heard. Dave was running out of time. He needed to get Karkat's attention and fast.
-- turntechGodhead [TG] began pestering carcinoGeneticist[CG] --
TG: hey
TG: hey asshole
TG: yo
TG: this is ground control to major tom
TG: karkat
John began singing “Ring Of Fire” as Dave's fingers skated over the touch screen of his phone. “Dammit, Karkat, just answer already.” He mumbled into the screen, “Don't leave a bro hangin' like this in his time of need.”
TG: seriously
Karkat groaned as his phone buzzed multiple times, he knew it was probably Dave. It was always Dave. Dave was the only one with a sense of self-importance big enough to bug Karkat while he was at work. At an animal shelter no less. He finished distributing the cat food he had been pouring out into each cat's respective bowl before answering him back, a weary sigh escaping his lips.
CG: THE FUCK DO YOU WANT, STRIDER?
CG: I'M FUCKING WIPED SO THIS HAD BETTER BE AN EMERGENCY.
TG: define emergency
CG: DAVE.
CG: IT MAY COME AS A SUPRISE TO YOU BUT I AM BUSY.
CG: I DO NOT WANT TO DEAL WITH THE INFINITE HORSE-SHIT CANNON THAT IS YOUR GAPING NOISE HOLE AT ALL, LET ALONE RIGHT NOW.
CG: SO UNLESS YOU'RE DYING AND PHONING AHEAD OF TIME SO I CAN PREPARE THE PARADE, I SUGGEST YOU FUCK OFF.
Wow, what an assbutt, Dave thought to himself. Karkat had always acted put-upon and now really wasn't the time for this. John (I'm Pathetic And Alone) Egbert was stomping violently on Dave's last nerve. The only way to fix this was a feelings jam of ultra-gay proportions. However, Dave, having been raised a Strider, has very little experience with emotional release. He needed a professional. Feelings shit is dangerous.
TG: jeez fine princess
TG: egbert is having a melt down
TG: i need your expertise on the subject of
TG: pause for emphasis
TG: girly shiz
Karkat felt his patience dwindling, he had very little to spare and Dave seemed to gobble it up like candy. It wasn't just that he was contacted during work. He could usually handle that. It was more the way Dave went about asking him for favors. Dave more demanded his services than anything and it drove Karkat insane when people took him for granted. Not to mention the fact that Dave dances around subjects like some kind of sarcastic ballerina.
Karkat quickly checked the clock, finding that it was almost time for him to head out. He packed up, said his goodbyes to Scruffy, A little basset hound puppy that he had taken a shining to, and walked out to his bike. He leaned against the brick wall next to the bike rack and pulled out his phone, replying to Dave.
CG: CRYPTIC AS USUAL.
CG: WHAT DOES EGBERT'S OBVIOUS LACK OF COPING SKILLS HAVE TO DO WITH ME?
TG: well
TG: heres the skinny
TG: egbert has reached a point where i can no longer ignore him
CG: IF HE ISN'T BLEEDING OR ON FIRE THIS CAN WAIT.
Dave peeked into John's room to find him face down on his pillow emitting horrible whiny groaning noises that Dave thought might be crying, seeing him like that made his heart hurt and he couldn't just sit around floundering for solutions anymore. John (Stupidly Happy) Egbert had no right to be so down and Dave would be damned if John was going to stay like that.
TG: cmon karkat
TG: my sanity is at stake here
TG: hes been sitting in his room for a week
TG: treating me to the voice crackiest rendition of making believe i heard since dirks ex broke up with him
TG: i think hes lost it vantas
TG: lost his marbles and the horse they rode in on
TG: fallen from his rocker off a cliff into a gigantic chasm of apathy and annoying music
Karkat shouldn't have been surprised, Dave had never known how to cope with other people being distressed. Which was really ironic, in that Dave was such an incredibly whiny little bitch. Karkat just wanted to eat his stupid smug face sometimes. John on the other hand, tended to get sad all in one burst and it was usually nerve wracking. Mostly because it was so drastically different from John's normal behavior.
CG: I HAVE APPARENTLY OVERESTIMATED YOUR CAPABILITIES, DAVE.
CG: I HAD HOPED THAT YOU, AS JOHN'S BEST FRIEND WOULD AT LEAST HAVE THE DECENCY TO CONSOLE HIM IN HIS TIME OF NEED.
CG: WHY IS HE DOING THIS ANYWAY?
Dave plopped himself down on the couch and shoved his earbuds into his ears with a grunt, turned his iPod up to full volume and continued texting Karkat, only slightly less irritated now that he had blocked out John's whiny voice.
TG: current theories suggest hes doing it to aggravate me intentionally
TG: though there are new finds that suggest that he may just really need to get laid
TG: point is
Dave was loathe to drop the facade but he needed Karkat's help. Dave wasn't going to let John OR his brother down. “ Strider code of honor, section 1.1; “Bros before hos.' remember this and a thousand bromances will be yours.” he recited to himself under his breath as he typed, still able to remember the way Dirk frowned at him when he didn't take 'the code' seriously.
TG: i am egberts best bro
TG: why do you think im asking an expert
TG: i have no idea how to console people
TG: striders dont do feelings
TG: its a thing
TG: accept it
Karkat was almost ready to just log off and go home until Dave Strider managed somehow to tug on his heart strings. Wow, that was actually kind of sweet. Huh. Stranger things have happened.
CG: WOW, SOMETHING CAME OUT OF YOUR MOUTH THAT WASN'T SARCASTIC HORSE SHIT.
CG: COLOR ME IMPRESSED, STRIDOUCHE.
Dave rolled his eyes, “Karkat best be prepared for my sick burns...” he thought to himself, actually starting to chill out a bit now that John's noise was mostly dampened. Although he was still ruffled by Karkat's imperious attitude.
TG: man i totally wanted with every fiber of my being to impress you
TG: i definitely didnt just want to talk to you for the sake of helping john
TG: that was not my goal at all
TG: i just wanted karkat senpai to notice me
TG: now you know the truth
Karkat rolled his eyes right back and shoved his phone into his jacket pocket, ignoring the vibrations emenating from it as he climbed onto his bike and headed home.
--carcinoGeneticist [CG] is now an Idle chum!--
“Goddamn it.” Dave threw his phone across the couch and crossed his arms, slouching down as far as he could without actually falling off. Karkat was most likely going home Dave reasoned, straightening up and retrieving his phone, staring at it wistfully as John's voice cut through the peaceful tones of Skrillex at full volume.
On the ride home, Karkat racked his mind for solutions to John's sad attack. It wasn't until he had dragged his bike up the front steps that he figured out his plan of attack; a sleepover. Karkat beamed and dashed up to the spare room. “Wow what a trash heap.” He said, more to himself than anything, already planning in his head what he would need to fix the room up for a perfect sleepover.
After an hour or so of hard work, Karkat sat on the couch he had dragged into the room and pulled out his phone, not sure why he did it until he saw the notifications on Pesterchum going out of control. “Are you fucking kidding me.” , Karkat exclaimed as he read through the messages, considering leaving Dave to deal with John on his own until he remembered that Dave was a jackass.
TG: karkat
TG: you there
TG: adsljfsksf
TG: karkat you douche
TG: get back here
TG: tell me what to do
TG: oh
TG: heading home from work
TG: is probably what you are doing at this point in time
TG: karkat
TG: how much longer
TG: karkat
TG: are you home yet
TG: are you home yet
TG: are you home yet
TG: are you home yet
--carcinoGeneticist [CG] is no longer Idle! --
Dave was on the verge of a melt down by the time Karkat finally came online. He had migrated from one end of the house to the other, eventually ending up upside down under his turntables, clutching his phone like it was his life-line against the turbulent waves of John's proverbial sea of apathy and annoying music.
Karkat, having mostly finished setting up the room, decided that there was no better time than the present to do the big reveal, wondering to himself how he got stuck babysitting these two dunderheads.
CG: DAVE, IF YOU COULD CONTAIN YOUR SPASTIC BABBLING FOR A SECOND, I COULD TELL YOU MY BRILLIANT PLAN.
CG: BUT, BECAUSE THAT IS PHYSICALLY IMPOSSIBLE, I GUESS YOU'LL NEVER KNOW.
While Dave continued to pester Karkat; John, having heard Dave meandering around the apartment, slunk out of his room and over to him. John didn't actually say anything he just kind of hovered woefully near him, radiating sadness like a wounded puppy.
TG: come on man
TG: the suspense is killing me
CG: FINE.
CG: BUT ONLY BECAUSE YOU'RE BEING PATHETIC.
TG: well?
CG: WHAT JOHN NEEDS IS A SLEEPOVER.
TG: are you shitting me
CG: WHAT?
TG: wow
CG: WHAT!
TG: man even im not that gay
CG: SHUT UP YOU PRICK IT IS A GREAT IDEA.
TG: whatever man
TG: youre the expert
CG: DAMN RIGHT I AM.
TG: alright
TG: heading over as soon as I get packed up
TG: see ya then karkat
–- turntechGodhead [TG] ceased pestering carcinoGeneticist [CG]--