Work Text:
Standing in the shadow of our lies to hide our imperfections
Doing anything we can to hide
Eyes wide open but still blind to see what really matters
And insecurity won’t go
See me in shadow
° ° °
Sadly not for the first time in her life, Emily Prentiss wants to kick herself. Repeatedly.
She’s always excelled academically, then later professionally. She’s been called a dog with a bone - she personally prefers the term tenacious. She sinks her teeth in and doesn’t let go until she achieves the best possible end result, in everything she does. Her entire life, she has aimed to be beyond perfect.
It left her with little time to pay attention to her mental health, and her mother never was very concerned with her emotional needs. As a result, Emily Prentiss is excellent at her job, well-respected in her field, very much an accomplished woman.
An accomplished woman with a crush on her straight best friend of eighteen years.
Every time her mind wandered to her conversation with JJ, she felt her head spinning. She knew JJ like she knew herself, and she could hear what she was saying - that Emily was worth all the horror this job had brought JJ in her personal life. That she was begging Emily to stay, if not for any other reason, then for her. JJ was telling her she’d support her if she decided to leave the job, telling her that losing the job would not mean losing JJ. At the same time, the pleading look in her eyes had told Emily that JJ was begging her not to leave. Not to leave the job. Not to leave her. Because the job gave JJ Emily, and JJ was terrified of the job also taking Emily away from her.
Emily had been so certain that she’d successfully buried her feelings for JJ. She’d always been great at compartmentalising, much more so than the average human being. She was convinced she’d put her feelings as far away as some of the old files, buried deep within the building that was her heart. It had been her way to cope with JJ’s absence when she went to New Orleans, and also her way to cope when JJ had come back. She was sure she’d moved on, that her romantic feelings for JJ were in the past.
It had taken only four words from JJ’s lips to rip that fallacy apart. As if she hadn’t almost hurt herself putting up barriers, pushing away feelings, they came rushing back as if they’d never been gone. Because, of course, they hadn’t been. So here she was again, and she felt pathetic. She was in her fifties and still she was an emotionally stunted woman in love with her best friend. Eighteen years and counting. It had all come back to her, hit her like a tidal wave, and she honestly felt like she was drowning.
She really wanted to kick herself. How was she still in love with Jennifer Jareau?
Their conversation had been so heavy with meaning, and Emily had a very hard time not reading into the fact that JJ had told her that the job that gave her her husband and by extension her kids, the job she had lost a baby to, as well as her sanity on more than one occasion - that all of that had been worth it, because the job gave her Emily.
She felt like she was going crazy.
The fact that JJ had taken to touching Emily more often didn’t exactly help. The touches were innocent - a hand on the small of her back in passing, or on her arm as she was telling her something. JJ almost seemed to be going out of her way to be near Emily more often. She’d never been this tactile before.
But was Emily mad about it?
Obviously not.
She decided to just enjoy it. Because she’d never not want to be touched by JJ.
° ° °
“Hey, Penelope, can I ask you something?” Tara asked, her eyes trained on the two people in the kitchen area as she watched them from the bullpen.
Garcia followed Tara’s line of sight and couldn’t help but pull a face. “What’s up, sugar?”
“Is something going on between JJ and Prentiss? They’ve basically been attached at the hip since Prentiss was reinstated, and JJ can’t seem to keep her hands off Prentiss.”
Garcia frowned. She was so used to the silly song and dance those two had been doing around each other for the past nearly twenty years that she sometimes forgot not everyone on the team had had a front row seat to the Jemily Show. “Honestly? I wish there was.”
They watched as JJ chuckled at something Emily said, JJ’s hand on the small of Emily’s back. Emily had a grin on her face, and Garcia had to admit it was nice to see her in a bit of a lighter mood for once.
For years, Garcia had witnessed this. Emily’s feelings for JJ had been loud and clear from the start. She tried to hide it, to be a good friend, and she never made a move on JJ or acted in any way that might have shown her feelings. But it was the way she looked at the liaison turned profiler when she thought nobody else was looking. The way she dropped everything at even the slightest hint JJ was in danger. The way she risked her life to save JJ’s husband, because all she cared about was JJ’s happiness.
JJ wasn’t much better. People often mistook her for a quiet, easily manipulated damsel in distress. But JJ was a force to be reckoned with, especially when it came to Emily. She’d left her mission in Afghanistan without a fraction of a second’s hesitation as soon as she heard there was an emergency with Emily. She’d wanted to go into the bank to save Will, but they’d held her back and she’d let them. As soon as Morgan had uttered the words “Where’s Emily”, JJ had set off, literally running into a burning building in a desperate bid to save her. They were able to restrain her from going after Will, but not from going in for Emily. JJ had completely the calls for her to return. All reason went out the window for JJ when Emily was in danger.
Yet still, both of those fools were pretending they were simply best gal pals.
“Earth to Garcia,” Tara said, waving her hands in front of the tech goddess. “What do you mean, you wish there was?”
“That’s a long story, my friend,” Garcia sighed. “But I do wonder what JJ said to her when she went to check on Emily. Because I know both of them, I know Emily would have tried to run. So whatever JJ said to her, I’m pretty sure she’s the reason Emily agreed to come back.”
Tara gasped. “Do they have a history? Like, romantically?”
Garcia pulled a face. “They don’t.” It was not because of a lack of feelings, but Garcia didn’t feel like that was her tale to tell.
She watched Emily and JJ leaving the kitchen area together, a shy but happy smile on Emily’s face, JJ looking so content.
Garcia felt that it didn’t take a genius, or even a profiler, to see an all too familiar pattern. Emily had been totally gone on JJ essentially since they met, and every time she seemed to move on, JJ would reel her back in somehow. Garcia wasn’t sure whether JJ was even aware of the fact that she wasn’t returning Emily’s feelings, but also not letting her go.
“Well, could have fooled me,” Tara responded to Garcia’s last statement, then made her way to her desk.
Garcia watched JJ and Emily part ways and didn’t miss the soft looks they exchanged. And in that moment, she’d had enough. They were too old for this back and forth. She refused to watch her friends play the same old game they started playing eighteen years ago, a game that only ever resulted in them hurting each other and themselves.
Garcia made up her mind. She would talk to them, tell them in no uncertain terms they had to figure this shit out. She nodded to herself, pleased with her resolution, and made her way back to her lair.
° ° °
Emily and JJ’s conversation at Garcia’s had taken place days ago, but Emily spent every waking moment analysing it in her head, looking at it from every angle.
She huffed in frustration, unable to focus on the file in front of her. She knew JJ like she knew herself, but some aspects of her younger friend had always been a mystery to her. In all the years they’d known each other, they’d developed a way of communicating without words. It came in very handy in the field or when interrogating suspects, but it also meant they left a lot unspoken. Especially when it concerned their feelings. Emily knew that she herself had been so terrified of the depth of her feelings for JJ that she’d never told her directly how she felt. It was safer that way, a guarantee she could keep JJ in her life as her friend. Because she loved Jennifer Jareau with every fibre of her being, and wanted nothing more than to share her entire life with her, but if all she could get was friendship, then that’s what she’d take. That’s what she’d always taken, because she cared about JJ as a person first and foremost.
She kept feeling like they’d never come as close to a straightforward conversation about their feelings as they had in Garcia’s apartment. But still, it hadn’t been open. They spoke and left the other guessing, filling in the blanks, reading between the lines. Safe.
Emily was startled by her phone ringing. In a way, she wasn’t entirely surprised to see JJ’s name flash on the caller ID. They’d always had an uncanny way of knowing when the other needed to talk.
“Hey, JJ,” Emily picked up, canting her head and rubbing her forehead.
“Hey, Emily,” JJ returned easily. A beat of silence, and then: “I think we need to talk.”
“Sure. Is it about the case? We should probably call in the team,” Emily thought out loud.
Emily could hear a small sigh escape JJ’s lips. “No, it’s not about the case, Em. I’m just… I keep thinking about our talk at Garcia’s. I feel like it’s a conversation we should continue now that you’re sober.” Emily could hear the gentle teasing in JJ’s voice.
She couldn’t deny her surprise at the invitation, though. Were they really going to do this? She suddenly felt nervous. “Yeah. We should.” She took a deep breath. “When should I come over?”
“Actually, I was hoping I could come over to your place. Are you there, or are you still at work?”
Another surprise. Outside of work, they usually met at JJ’s place, because one or both of her boys was usually around, and Will liked her to actually be home when she was off work because being off work was rare. It was also unusual for JJ to be available right away. Emily decidedly ignored the part where JJ knew there was no way she’d be anywhere other than either Quantico or home.
“I’m home.”
“Can I come over now?” JJ asked, suddenly sounding rushed. As if she were trying to get the words out before she could change her mind.
Emily hesitated for a second, wondering about Will and the boys, but then decided it was better not to question JJ. JJ was a grown woman and didn’t need Emily treating her as anything but.
“Yeah. You can park in my guest parking space. You know where it is?” They hadn’t spent a lot of time together at Emily’s apartment, so she wasn’t sure.
“Yeah. I remember,” JJ said. “I’m heading over now. See you in a bit?”
“Okay. See you in a bit. Drive safely, Jay,” Emily said softly. She couldn’t help herself - JJ was a grown woman, but Emily’s protective streak wasn’t going anywhere.
“I will,” JJ said simply, knowing that Emily needed the reassurance.
As they ended the phone call, Emily felt strange. This was just JJ, it shouldn’t feel strange at all. They’d been through so much together. There was just something about JJ’s voice and the urgency of this talk, and the unusual place that had Emily on edge.
° ° °
From the moment JJ arrived, Emily could tell that this was going to be a Big Conversation. JJ clearly had a lot on her mind, and the fact she’d asked to come over right away told Emily that for once, she was going to talk about it.
JJ was a very private person and usually opted to stew in silence, only letting a select few people in, and only if they pushed.
Emily felt that in this instance, pushing might just have the opposite effect. So instead, she poured JJ a glass of water, conscious that she had driven here, and led them to the living room.
JJ was looking around, clearly struggling with where to begin.
Emily rubbed her hands on the front of her jeans, steeled herself for whatever was coming. “So. We have to talk. Or rather, continue our earlier talk.”
JJ looked at her, her eyes brimming with uncertainty. She looked so lost in that moment that Emily felt it tug at her heartstrings. She gave JJ was she hoped was an encouraging look.
When JJ finally spoke, her voice was slightly shaky with how nervous she was. “I’ve been doing a lot of thinking lately. I’ve been working on myself a lot. I’ve realised many things. Like the fact that I didn’t keep a promise I made to myself when I was still a teenager.” She was silent, but Emily gave her time. This moment felt like it could break any second, like it could wash away and they’d never get it back. “When Roz died, there was so much I regretted not telling her. Not doing with her. I promised myself then that I would never let that happen again. But I have.”
Emily frowned. She didn’t dare let herself hope this conversation was going where it seemed to be going. She decided again to not say anything, but allow JJ to go through this part at her own pace.
JJ looked Emily straight in the eye, and Emily was taken aback by the turmoil she found there. Then she saw the resolve gathering. JJ took a deep breath. “Emily… when we first met, you had a thing for me. Not to sound conceited, but a lot of people do when they meet me. Then, when I show no romantic or phyiscal interest, they lose interest in me as a person. It always made me feel like I wasn’t good enough as a person. It made me feel like my looks, my body was all I had to offer. Like I wasn’t worth anything as a human being.”
Emily flushed deeply at being called out for her feelings, then took in the rest of JJ’s words. She’d never really considered that, but it was true. JJ didn’t seem to have any friends outside of her teammates.
JJ ran a hand through her hair. “But you were different. You had feelings for me, but you never put me on the spot. You never made me feel uncomfortable, or like I wasn’t meeting your expectations. You were happy being my friend, and that meant so much more to me than I could ever tell you. But I didn’t keep my promise to myself, of not having any regrets. Because I’ve realised that I will never not regret that I lost your love for me.”
Emily was stunned. “You haven’t,” she said, almost inaudibly.
JJ turned her head sharply. “Em?”
Emily let out a trembling breath. “You haven’t. Lost my love for you.”
JJ blinked, momentarily at a loss for words. “Emily…”
Emily groaned. “You said it - I always have, from the very beginning. And I’ve come to realise that I always will. I’ll still be your friend, JJ. I care about you so much, I’ll have you in my life in any capacity you have to offer.”
JJ clearly wasn’t expecting that. “Emily… you had a thing for me. You developed feelings for me, but you were content to be my friend. Like I said, that meant the world to me. As we got to know each other better, I spent a great deal of energy into pushing away the feelings I was developing for you. It was so overwhelming, and I’d never felt that way before, and while I never had a problem with queer people, at the same time I felt I couldn’t possibly be. It was a constant battle, and then I started doubting myself, thinking I was vain in hoping you felt anything for me. Thinking I was just reading into things because I felt so enormously in love with you.”
Emily was stunned. “What?”
Tears were now forming in JJ’s eyes. Emily could tell it took everything for JJ not to fall apart, but she was busy keeping herself together at this revelation. “Why didn’t you tell me?” Emily finally asked. She felt like her world was spinning on its axis. She’d never expected that JJ had felt anything romantic for her back then, and she had to stop herself from imagining the possibilies if they’d just been honest with each other.
“I was scared, Emily. I know it’s a tale as old as time, but where I grew up, being anything other than straight was not a thing. I’ve overcome a lot of the backwards thinking of my childhood, but I internalised more than I knew. I couldn’t deal with being a lesbian. And I kept waiting for you to say something.”
“JJ, I thought you were straight!” Suddenly, another bombshell registered with Emily. “Wait, did you say you’re a lesbian?” She asked incredulously.
JJ nodded, worrying her lip. “Yeah.”
“But what about Will? Then why did you date him? Marry him?” Emily was almost shouting. “Why did you choose him when I was right there?” She asked, her voice cracking on the last word.
“Because you told me to,” JJ said quietly.
“What?” Emily asked incredulously. “You liked him!”
“No, Emily,” JJ said, her tone suddenly turning bitter. “I didn’t. I got used to him, but I didn’t like him. I was waiting desperately for you to say something, but then you told me to go for him. You told me we’d make a cute couple!”
Emily recoiled. “For fuck’s sake, Jennifer, how could you be so blind?” She asked, her voice laced with exasperation.
“How exactly was I blind? I was waiting for the woman I loved to tell me how she felt, only to be told to go for the guy who just wouldn’t quit hitting on me!” JJ was getting worked up.
“I didn’t mean it!” Emily shouted.
“How was I supposed to know that?” JJ shouted in turn.
They’d never shouted at each other before, but their emotions were running high. “How was I supposed to know that you weren’t telling me to go for him, but to choose you? I thought you were telling me you didn’t have feelings for me anymore, I thought I’d been deluding myself!”
“I said that because I thought you liked him, and I wanted you to be happy. But most of all, I said that because I was hoping you’d say you’d rather be with me.”
“That doesn’t even make sense, Emily,” JJ groaned, losing the battle with her tears.
Seeing JJ cry broke Emily’s heart, and she reached out to her. She wrapped her arms around her in a hug, and JJ let her, sobbing in the embrace.
“I know. I’m sorry. I was stupid. I’ve always been stupid when it came to you,” Emily said gently.
JJ heaved a deep breath. “I’m sorry too. I should have told you, but Emily… I was so scared of losing you.”
“What do you mean? You knew how I felt.”
JJ was silent for a while, then sounded determined when she finally spoke. “So, I’ve been going to therapy. I’ve figured out a lot of things. I have abandonment issues. Roz left me, then my dad, and then my mom emotionally checked out. Unconsciously, I was seeing a pattern where everyone I loved left me. So I didn’t love anyone, didn’t let anyone too close. I was definitely dealing with internalised homophobia as well, but honestly? I was terrified. I was stupidly thinking that allowing myself to love you meant that it would hurt too much when you left, just like everyone does. And Will… he was just there. I’ve grown used to him, I even love him in some way, but not in the way I should. I never have. Will was just there, and he was safe, because I knew deep down that if he left, it wouldn’t truly hurt.”
Emily pulled back, searching for JJ’s eyes, but she was avoiding eye contact. Emily put her finger on JJ’s chin, forcing her to look up at her. Emily’s mouth was dry when she finally asked: “Jay… what about now? How do you feel about me now?”
JJ licked her lips. “Em… I love you. I’m in love with you. I always have been, and I always will.”
Emily’s world came crashing down. “Wow.”
“I want to be with you, Em,” JJ soldiered on.
Emily raised her eyebrows. “What about Will? I love you, JJ, and I want to be with you more than you know. But I won’t be the other woman, and I honestly don’t like the idea of being the reason for the end of your marriage.”
“Will and I have separated. We’re going through the divorce process. I’m sorry I didn’t tell you, but I just had so much to figure out. Being in New Orleans, being so far away from you, it put everything into perspective. I realised I could live without Will, but I didn’t want to live without you. So I went to therapy, I did a lot of work, and I realised I wasn’t being fair to anyone in all of this. Not to Will, not to you, not to myself. So I came back, and he came with me for the boys. But he’ll be going back to New Orleans.”
“JJ… that is huge. Does anyone know?”
JJ shrugged. “I haven’t told anyone. I think Garcia might know, I’m pretty sure she overheard a conversation on the phone, but she hasn’t talked to me about it. I’m sorry it took me this long, Em. It’s hard not falling back into old habits and patterns. Then work got so busy I was kind of letting therapy fall to the wayside. But then our talk the other day, we were doing our thing again, where we talked without really saying what we felt. So I booked an appointment with my therapist, and I figured out for myself that I couldn’t do this for one second longer without telling you that I love you, Emily Prentiss, I’m in love with you, and I want to be with you.”
Emily’s world stopped spinning. She wasn’t even aware her mouth was open in shock at finally, finally hearing the woman of her dreams utter the words she had been desperate to hear for the past two decades.
“Emily?” JJ pleaded, and Emily realised her silence must have been freaking JJ out.
Emily took a step closer to JJ, who opened her arms, as if she were literally opening herself up to Emily. Emily bit her lip, warring with herself, then made up her mind and cupped JJ’s face in her hands.
“I love you, Jennifer Jareau, I’m in love with you, and I want to be with you.”
They both leaned in, their lips met, and the world started turning again. The kiss felt like the most natural thing in the world, as if they were made for each other, as if they had been doing this for years. It started as an exploration of lips, so soft, so longed for. JJ wrapped her arms around Emily’s neck, pulling her in closer. A moan escaped Emily’s mouth, her lips parting slightly, and JJ slipped her tongue in, easily finding Emily’s.
Electricity seemed to be crackling in the air, the love between them palpable as their tongues met.
Their bodies pressed together, both breathing heavily, their heartbeats tangible to each other. Neither of them wanted the kiss to end, and the night was young.
° ° °
Garcia gave herself a pep talk. She’d prepared her speech, and she would not be budged.
Knowing that both JJ and Emily would be at work earlier than the rest of the team, she made sure to be early herself, and all but dragged her two friends to her office.
She sat them down on the couch, pointedly ignoring their questions and confused looks.
Garcia took a deep breath, then spoke. “Alright. I love you both to pieces, but you have got to clear this up once and for all. We’re too old to still be doing this. Emily, sweetheart, I respect you and your privacy but you’ve been in love with JJ very loudly for the past twenty years or so and it’s time to make a move already.
JJ, you can keep denying it, you can try to hide behind Will even though you two are separated, and I know you haven’t told us because then your feelings for Emily become too attainable and that scares you. But if you love Emily, for God’s sake, let her love you. Because that woman is more than your friend and you know it. She’s the one you can’t live without.
And Emily? JJ is not the one who got away. She’s still here. You’re still here. So cut the crap and get together already, because we’re too old for the song and dance.”
There.
Truth bomb dropped.
To say Garcia was dumbfounded when JJ and Emily burst out in laughter would be the understatement of the century. For once in her life, Garcia didn’t know what to say.
Ultimately, JJ was the one to relieve her of her suffering. She took Emily’s hand in hers and pressed a kiss to it. “You’re literally one day too late, Garcia. Em and I talked yesterday, about our feelings.”
“Oh my god!” Garcia squeaked. “JENNIFER JAREAU! EMILY PRENTISS!”
“That’s us,” Emily said drily, shooting JJ a goofy smile. JJ’s smile was just as goofy, as if they were teenagers with their first girlfriend.
“I… you… are you?” Garcia was still recovering from the shock, unable to form a complete sentence. Obviously, she had seen this coming - but she had just given up on the idea that these two idiots would see the light themselves.
“Yeah,” Emily grinned. “As of yesterday, we’re together. We still have a lot to figure out, so if you don’t mind, we’d like to wait to tell the rest of the team. We will, but we’re still navigating this ourselves.”
Garcia slumped down in her chair. “Well, it’s about damn time!”
Emily and JJ laughed again. “Yeah, it really was,” JJ said, looking Emily in the eyes.
Emily bit her lip, then leaned forward to give JJ a chaste kiss, beyond excited that now, she finally could do so.
Garcia squeaked again. “Oh, I’m so happy for you guys! But just so you know, Tara is already suspicious, so maybe try to tone down the lovesick puppy eyes around each other?”
“We managed to hide it from you,” Emily shrugged confidently.
Garcia rolled her eyes. “I was a woman on a mission, dragged you in here, you guys let me rant at you and then told me. I didn’t exactly witness your interactions with a suspicious eye. But honestly, my loves, I understand you want to wait and figure this out. I’ve got your back.”
“Thank you,” they said in unison.
Garcia clapped her hands together. “Okay. I have a fabulous wedding to plan!”
Emily’s eyes widened comically. “Garcia! JJ’s divorce isn’t even finalised! We literally got together yesterday! Hold your horses.”
She looked at JJ in panic, hoping with all her might this would not make her girlfriend run for the hills. To her surprise, JJ didn’t look perturbed at all. “I don’t know, Em. I wouldn’t mind being Mrs. Prentiss-Jareau or Mrs. Jareau-Prentiss someday.”
Emily shook her head. “Jennifer Alexandra Jareau, you never cease to amaze me.”
“So, I’ve still got it?” JJ asked teasingly.
Seeing the look on Emily’s face, Garcia held up both hands exclaimed: “Please don’t answer that.”
Emily shrugged, then looked JJ in the eye, quirking an eyebrow suggestively. JJ understood her wordlessly, and smirked in response.
Yeah.
They’ve still got it.