Archive of Our Own

Dull. The world is dull now, every day and every minute passes by you, unfeeling. The lack of life you find in everything now is something that you’re growing used to, and you think you’ve finally accepted this.

It’s been 3 weeks without her now, and you’ve become complacent with your companion of loneliness. Your routine is mundane but constant: wake up, breakfast, brush teeth, school, taekwondo, shower, dinner, homework, brush teeth, sleep, repeat. Weekends you’ve taken to just spending the whole day kickboxing with anyone willing in your dojo. Even your seemingly impassive instructor is now starting to show a little concern as you put less effort in blocking hits.

But you don’t care about concern. You’ve come to hate the looks of pity that now surround you everywhere you go. You’re filled with dread at each glance, every whisper of false commiseration that you hear. You fear that if you were to look at any of your other friends, you, too, would wear nothing but pity on your face.

So, you’ve taken to ignoring them all together. You don’t make any attempts to see them unless they see you walking down the neighborhood from school, and even then you don’t try to say or do anything—you just briskly turn around, and walk the complete opposite direction.

Kel, Aubrey, Basil—they’re younger than you, but already they seem to have a much better hold on getting over what’s happened. It annoys you, sickens you even. In your brief glances, however, you suppose that Basil seems like he’s seen better days.

Then again, you can’t be too sure. You haven’t given yourself the opportunity to properly look at him, at any one of them really.

How are they so unaffected? They’re middle schoolers for fuck’s sake. You haven’t seen Sunny in a while, but you can only imagine what it would be like to be in his shoes. To lose a sister as wonderful as her.

Mari was always closest to you out of all of them. After all, she was your first true friend.

You put her on a pedestal, always someone you held in high regards. In your eyes, she could never do any wrong. Yes, she was a bit of a tease at times but you liked it. You liked it all.

You liked..

You looked up to her, but thinking back now, she looked up to you. You disregarded the stars in her eyes when she would look at you when you spoke, because no way she cared about anything that came out of your mouth that much.

You always thought she saw the same when she would smile that sweet smile of hers, her voice flowing out in that honey-warm tone of hers. You would give anything to bask in her presence just a little longer, always willing to make exceptions for sweet and kind Mari.

Anything she says, goes. Anything in the world she wanted was hers as long as she would let you stay by her side.

Alas, she left. Just like that.

Who are you kidding? You liked her, far more than anything that could be considered as platonic. You don’t think she ever realized there was anything more in your warm gazes aimed towards her way and her way only, but you were content with that.

Hell, you didn’t even realize yourself until some brunette charmer asked for her name in the library, all bashful and sheepish. You remember it like it was yesterday.

You and Mari were sitting at a table doing homework when he waltzed his way into her life. You purposefully picked a spot hidden away by the stacks of books—how did he find you both?

You remember the overwhelming sense of dread that followed when Mari didn’t push him away. When she leaned into it. Once you were struck with pangs of jealousy as a soft flush adorned her pretty face, you finally knew.

Knew that you liked her. Knew that you were never going to do anything about it.

All you ever wanted was for her to be happy, which is why once Hero came into the picture you didn’t say a single thing to try and stop her from going for it. She looked lovely when she talked about how charming or adorable he was, so who were you to wipe that cheeky, playful smile off her face with feelings of your own?

That doesn’t mean you had to like him though. You never, ever explicitly got in the way between the two of them. You wouldn’t remove her from her happiness, you couldn’t.

However, to your surprise and subtle disdain, she would always insist on all 3 of you being together.

When her and Hero would go on dates, you were dragged along as the hopeless third wheel. You always insisted that you didn’t have to come along, that you actually shouldn’t because it was a date for fuck’s sake.

But, she would always plead and beg with those gorgeously silk-black eyes of hers. So in the end, you would succumb and join her and Hero anyways. Similarly, when it was supposed to just be you and Mari hanging out, he would be there as well. Standing there with his dumb, sheepish grin, apologizing for “getting in the way of girl time.” 

Every time, Mari would dismiss his sorry and say that you wouldn’t mind—and every time, because she said so, you didn’t. It was only slightly annoying, but you didn’t say or do anything about it because Mari would always look her happiest when you were all together.

At least it was never awkward. She never ignored you even while you joined their dates, and Hero never seemed to mind. He was always annoyingly nice like that, not even minding your backhanded jabs towards him, simply laughing it off. You wished he had hated you, at the very least disliked you, so then at least your hatred would be justified.

But, since you knew just how good he was, you never said anything about their relationship. They shined best together, you always thought. She never needed you, and you were okay with that.

No matter how many times you would stare at their joined hands or sneaky kisses on the cheek, you were perfectly fine with that. No matter how many cracks in your heart there were, she was happy, and that was all you really needed.

Until the news of her suicide came out, and all of a sudden in one aching moment your chest filled with nothing but regret and remorse.

Without her to look at now—without a life of staring at Mari from afar—you were left with nothing but an aching pain. This hurt was infinitely more lasting than any kick or jab you’ve been hit with in your life.

At least with an injury, the wound would eventually heal. But, will your grief ever heal?

It doesn’t feel like it.

You had thought she was happy. Whenever you saw her she would glow with this everlasting contentment you had always associated her with. Looking back now, cold and numb, you suppose it was all just some well-made facade.

Especially considering the fact that she just went up and killed herself. Leaving her friends behind, Hero behind.. you behind. 

You’ve been mad at her, angry at her—but it never lasts. You just can’t bring yourself to feel anything negative towards her. She was always so good to you, so kind to everyone around her that it feels cruel that she was taken away, even though she technically made the decision on her own.

You suppose that the one negative emotion that’s really overwhelmed you is just pure hurt. You had trusted her with everything, told her everything. She knew you inside out, every single vulnerability you had was entrusted with her. However, now that she’s gone, all you can do is rack your brain trying to find the signs that would eventually lead up to her suicide.

Did you not pay enough attention to her? Could you have stopped this from happening? Or moreover, did she just hide everything she was feeling from you?

You can’t remember ever seeing any sort of sign—you of all people would have been the first to know, right? You paid more attention to her than anyone, even more than Hero.

You felt weak. She never told you or said anything about any sort of unhappiness or dissatisfaction she was feeling in her life. Yeah, she told you that piano was stressing her out a little bit, but she said it was nothing that she couldn’t move past.

Was that a lie? Did she really not trust you like you thought she did?

So, with that, you’ve decided that if she didn’t need anyone, neither did you. You didn’t let yourself mourn at her funeral, not only because she hurt you, but because you’ve already mourned by yourself.

You had stood in front of her open casket, staring at a face that was never supposed to be so cold and lifeless. You didn’t cry. You’ve only cried once

in your life and you’ve decided that from there on out you would never let yourself be so weak again.

Besides, she made her choice. Why should you cry for someone who just went up and left?

At the time, Hero had stood next to you, even though he knew of your dislike for him. You were surprised that he wasn’t crying, expected him to be bawling his eyes out.

After all, he cared for her just as much as you did. Reaching a point where he probably even loved her. Instead, he just looked tired. It was so unusual to see him be anything but his usual cheery self. Seems like he was also mourning in his own time.

He was with you at her funeral the whole time, even once they finally buried her and everyone besides her family has up and left. For once, you don’t make any attempt at any sort of jab towards him. You’re both silent, no words exchanged between the two of you. You figure you at least owe him that much after all. To just let him be next to you, for whatever reason.

However, you didn’t realize he would take it to such a great length. Going so far as to wordlessly follow you during lunch to sit with you at your place on the rooftop, neither of you technically not allowed to be up there.

Teachers knew that you ate there even before Mari’s untimely death. You never did much of anything while you were up here, so they just let you be. God, not to mention how sorry they felt for you.

Disgruntled, you try to distract yourself from Hero’s unnervingly silent presence. Listening to the laughter and cheery shouts of students down below whilst the song you’re currently listening to is softly playing through your earbud. You try to focus on the slight breeze blowing against your face. But still, nothing works because he’s here at your spot, and it irks you. 

You had agreed with yourself in your head that you would just let Hero be and leave that guy alone forever. After all, now that Mari is gone he no longer has any reason to be near you. But this is the most you’ve hung out with him one-on-one in your life, and it’s so.. weird.

Before she left he never asked to eat with you ever (not saying he asked now, he literally just found you at your locker and followed you). He would join you on occasion when Mari would ask, but that was because you could never say no to her. No matter how much you didn’t like him.

It wasn’t even anything he did personally that’s made you hate him. All he did was just be himself, of course Mari would pick him over someone like you.

Augh, you should have just told him to go away and mope by himself. Did Mari’s death really affect him to such an extent that he decided to sit with you? At your damn spot?

You’ve finally reached a point where you’ve been doing just fucking fine, absolutely swell. So, why does he of all people feel the need to be near you? Especially when he knows you’ve never liked his stupid, perfect face.

Is it because you’ve been Mari’s closest friend for so long, that by default you’re the closest thing to being near her? Maybe he just doesn’t understand the extent of how much her death hurt you just as much as it’s hurting him.

Fuck, isn’t being ‘happy-go-lucky’ his thing? Does he think that just being near you can provide him with some semblance of comfort? What does he even want, words of wisdom?

Does he expect you to tell him that everything will be okay, because even though she isn’t here, we have each other?

That Mari will still be there for us, for you even though she isn’t physically here?

That we’ll never see her again, that even though Mari selfishly killed herself, she would want us to live on and be happy and continue on as though everything is just fucking fine—

“Hey, are you..?” He’s now in the center of your vision, staring at you in shock.

You were literally just ignoring him, when did you start looking at him in the first place?

You’re only now realizing that your vision is blurry, that your eyes are stinging. This is annoying, so fucking annoying.

You feel weird. Different to what you’ve been feeling these past couple of days. You’ve been mad, hurt, angry. But you’ve long since buried those emotions, right? There was no need to feel anything now. Mari was gone and that was that. You were tired, worn-out. But now.. 

Hero continues, “Are you—crying?” He looks baffled, as if you had grown 2 heads. If you didn’t have this weird, achy feeling stirring in your chest, you probably would’ve burst out laughing at the look on his face.

You don’t make any attempt to wipe your tears—it doesn’t seem like they’re going to stop falling anytime soon, so you figure that there’s no point. Wordlessly, you just look away, your face carefully blank as this feeling building inside of you soon starts feeling like rips in your chest.

When was the last time you cried in front of anyone besides Mari? 

At a loss for words, her Hero is conflicted. He never thought you were capable of being anything but tough. Always seeing you as this strong-hearted, quiet but reliable person to count on.

The person Mari had always counted on. That’s why he’s been lingering near you, to gain that same comfort she always felt with you. But, seeing you now, crying of all things..

“Um..” Hero sheepishly stutters out, trying to figure out what to say. You don’t make an attempt to talk, your voice hoarse.

You haven’t really said anything this whole day, now that you think about it. You haven’t spoken to anyone in a while. There’s no point.

Nervously looking around, Hero looks like he’s psyching himself up to drop a bomb on you that you’re not at all prepared for him to ask, 

“.. Do you want to talk about it?”

“What?” You ask, your crying face now faces him, contorted with confusion.

You actually can’t believe he has the gall to ask. So what, is he here to comfort you? What are you supposed to even say to him of all people? When you were the most emotionally constipated towards him out of everyone else in all of your friends?

What is there to talk about? Mari’s death? Her dying? Her suicide for fuck’s sake? That mere question makes your blood boil.

You don’t want to talk about Mari, because in your silence that’s what you’ve been trying to avoid in the first place. You thought that he had felt the same, believing that the only reason he was near you was because you had some silent agreement to not say a single thing about it.

For a minute you actually think about your answer, deciding you can at least humor him with some semblance of a response.

After a momentary silence coupled with your sniffling, you flatly reply,

“She made her choice: she’s gone now.”

Quieter, you scoff, “She even left you.” Another silence. 

As much as your words hurt, he doesn’t let it affect him any further than he’s already been hurting. Instead, he just looks at you with such plain sadness that it makes you uncomfortable, making you stiffen in his empathetic stare. Quietly, he mutters,

“Yeah. She did.

But.. if it hurts me this much, I can only imagine how much it’s hurting you.” 

Stupid, emotionally-aware Hero. Oh, fuck, why would he say that?

Your eyes burn and this churning feeling just grows worse inside of you. You look to the side away from him, staring at the ground so hard it’s like you’re trying to burn holes into the cement.

You feel your face scrunch up, your lips tighten, more tears falling by the second. Your chest exploding with emotions you’ve been trying to lock up this whole time.

Suddenly, the world around you goes blurry in all of your senses. You think you hear the bell ring in the background of all this muffled noise, your earbud now lost somewhere on the ground.

You make no attempt to get it because everything is now fuzzy. 

You make an attempt to move but for some reason you can’t. You should be heading to class, you know that, but you just can’t move.

Faintly in the background you hear him saying your name, the pounding in your ears too loud for you to hear anything clearly. Hero asking a question as stupid as “Do you want to talk about it?” is not what’s breaking the dam you’ve been working so hard to build up.

God, you’re so pissed. You thought it was finally finished—that you could now rest in your safe haven of confinement. But thanks to her Hero and your villain you’re now realizing that Mari isn’t here to fix the incoming cracks in your flooding dam.

You don’t have anyone to confide in, and you knew that. Since Mari isn’t here, you no longer need anyone to confide in. So, you’re fine. You were fine, just fucking fine. Can’t Hero see that? See just how fine you’re doing?

The churning feeling is starting to overwhelm you, squeezing the hell out of. Your chest heaves rapidly and you realize all of a sudden that you can’t breathe.

Fuck, why can’t you breathe? No—you’re breathing too much. You can’t stop. You want to stop. Your lungs are burning, your chest is pounding, your eyes are so full of tears that you can’t even see, you can’t even talk, fuck, you can’t do anything!

You couldn’t help Mari, so how could you ever help Hero, when you can’t even fucking help yourself?! Everything burns, everything hurts, you hate this, stop it, just  stop PLEASE!

In the midst of your panic attack, Hero is kneeling in front of you, both of his hands on your shoulders. When did he get there?

Mari had told him once how you hated people getting in your personal space. That you don’t like anyone touching you besides a select few, and he was not one of those select few.

You don’t want his hands on you—wait, what’s he saying? He needs to get off; he isn't helping. He’s the reason you’re in this fucking mess in the first place!

Tears are still falling, flooding your senses as you grab his wrists, ready to pull them off—but he just holds on even tighter. Unconsciously, you match his strength and hold on to his wrists just as tight, but that’s not what you want. 

God, you want to take his hands off—just take them off! It’s not that hard, it shouldn’t be this hard.

Oh fuck, you still can’t breathe right. Your lungs hurt and you're scared. You hate this, you hate everything, you hate him, just fucking breathe!

You squint at the blurry shape of Hero and stare at what you think are his lips, trying to comprehend the words that are coming out of his mouth.

You’re trying to think, you need something, anything, to—to ground you? Even if it’s words from one of the last people you want talking to you right now. 

“.. I’m here.. just keep listening.. breathe..”

At least you can understand parts of what he’s saying, but why is this still going? You feel your lungs heaving back-and-forth with no time in between.

It’s painful, but now that you can sort of understand him you squeeze your eyes shut to try and hold onto Hero’s words, but that only makes tears fall faster. Why is whatever the fuck going on going on for so long? What even fucking is this?! Then..

You feel a weight on your left shoulder.

Trembling, you feel someone squeezing the hell out of you. Even through your harsh breathing. Is Hero.. is he hugging you?

Shit, you already can’t breathe, is this him trying to kill you for every single time you’ve been mean to him?

But, as he holds onto you tighter, you're hit with the memory of softer, more feminine arms holding on to you in this same sort of situation.

You’re reminded of a time when you were younger and didn’t know how to fight, when you first met Mari on this same rooftop and you were hurting and didn’t know what else to do but cry.

So, she hugged you. She hugged you and let the dam inside of you break.

As you feel your shoulder dampen with tears in the same place that Hero’s head is now laying on, you think that maybe, just maybe, you can let the dam newly remade, break just one more time.

One more time, since Mari is no longer here to fix it.

You breathe in, and out.

In, and out.

Slowly feeling your senses being regained, the world is finally coming back to you. The pounding in your ears has come to a complete stop, and you can finally feel yourself breathe normally.

You’re crying, the tears are still falling, but that’s fine. You're fine.

And oh, what a wonderfully melancholic feeling it is to feel like everything is finally fine.

Well, not exactly. You know it’s going to take more than a full melt down on the roof. Tears are going to be your companion for a while, this you already know. You feel.. sad. Regretful. Just this once, you’re going to let yourself grieve here.

You’re going to let yourself grieve with her Hero because you miss her, and you know he misses her, too. 

He’s still hugging you, squeezing the hell out of you even though your panic attack has long since been drained out of you. But you know he needs this cry just as much as you need yours. You feel it in the way he’s slumped against you, finally letting himself be weak in front of the one person he knows won’t care if he’s not strong.

So, despite telling yourself a long time ago that you would never let yourself touch him, you make one of the many exceptions you’re going to continue making.

Not for her, but for the one she chose.

Your shoulder is uncomfortably wet now, but you don't dare comment on it. At this point, he’s half-climbed into your lap, sobs racking through him. 

You weakly make an attempt to move him, but instead of raising your arms to gently push him, they instead wrap around him, one hand patting the top of his head whilst the other wraps around his shoulders. He stiffens in your hold for a moment, but then he practically collapses against you, the entirety of his weight being held by your lean, well-toned arms.

This attempt of kindness is unfamiliar to the both of you—you’ve never, ever tried to be nice to him, let alone hug him back. But then again, anything that happens moving on out is going to be unfamiliar, you can already feel it. Might as well try to embrace the change while it’s new.

“Hero.” You say, your throat dry from your earlier heaving. He says nothing, but loosens his grip ever so slightly.

You still feel his tears pouring out, making no attempt to move from his place on your shoulder. You don’t think he wants to let go, and at this point, you don’t think you want to let go either.  You fully wrap your arms around his shoulders, hugging him back with the same force he’s giving you. 

“I’m sorry.” You whisper.

Sorry for whatever the hell that ‘freakout’ was. Sorry for crying in front of him, for probably making him uncomfortable.

Sorry for making him cry like this, for not knowing what to say to comfort him. To comfort him in general.

Sorry for not knowing how to talk about Mari. Sorry for not knowing how to talk to him in general.

So many unspoken apologies that you can only hope he understands through your one simple “sorry.”

You’re especially sorry for yourself, that you never even muttered the words to her before she left, “I like you.” She at least deserved to know that much, but you would never be able to tell her now. 

Hero somehow hugs you even harder, you didn’t think it was even possible. Without the weight of all your emotions being poured out, the hug would probably be considered as painful. But somehow, it isn’t.

You barely hear his response, if it weren’t for his quiet whisper being right next to your ear,

“I already know. It’s okay.”

You think there’s a double meaning behind his words, but you don’t care. They hit harder than any insult that’s been thrown your way in the entirety of your life.

You cling on to him. You’re both sobbing your hearts out, holding onto each other for dear life. Uncaring, you probably look like emotional wrecks right about now.

Two idiots crying like babies missing fifth period. All you can do is hope no one’s looking up right now.

Neither of you can stop the tears from falling, but somehow, you feel.. lighter. Like some huge weight has finally been lifted from your shoulders, but you’re somehow still crying. It’s all so stupid, so stupid that you feel a laugh bubble out of you in what you now feel like has now been forever.

Surprisingly, you feel Hero shaking too, sputtering out chuckles through his sobs. It’s choked, but he’s laughing.

The dam is still falling from both of you yet the sun shines ever so brightly through your laughter. Eventually, Hero sits up properly to bellow out at the damn sky, and you can’t help but join him.

Looking up, your laughs feel as airy and light as the clouds above you, squinting through the sunlight that’s now shining down on the two of your gross, snotty faces.

After a couple of minutes, you both finally calm down enough to look at each other and take each others’ puffy, happy faces in. Hero is still awkwardly half-climbed in your lap, but you don’t care anymore. You’ve just 'guffawed' with the guy you promised you were gonna hate your whole damn life. Mari would be proud of you, glad that you’ve finally made up.

On your face now is the most genuine smile Hero has seen on your face, ever. He’s seen your sly grins in secret pranks you'd pull on your friends’, your confident smirks while watching your sparring matches, and your achingly tender smiles that he knew you kept only for the girl he had loved.

Never has he seen you glow this brightly so plainly right in front of him. It probably has to do with the fact that your face is damp from your sobfest, but he’s glad that he’s now able to bask in it. He feels the strength of trust and vulnerability between you two now, and he knows you feel it, too.

Excited to see where this new friendship goes, you stare at each other and decide that maybe, just maybe, things will be okay. Not completely okay just yet, but a little better. 

Way better than if you didn’t have each other.