Work Text:
His breathing sang me awake.
I did not expect that, after I had so much trouble falling asleep. So cold my whole head rattled when my teeth chattered and bones ached. And the ground so hard under the sacks, the wind howling outside the cave. It was enough to make me think this away mission wasn't worth it no matter how badly we needed the dilithium.
I knew we were safe - the planet's tectonics were stable, and there were no viruses, nor animals larger than rabbits - but it was ugly and uncomfortable, and I was annoyed I'd agreed to follow Chakotay into this desolate cavern when I could have gone with B'Elanna, Tom, and Harry instead, spending the evening talking about how we planned to refine these unusual crystals. Instead I'd gone with the first away team. Tuvok and Seven were somewhere ahead of us in the labyrinth of caves, with most of the rations and my extra jacket in one of their packs.
It took me hours to fall asleep, my throat sore from breathing in the cave dust, listening to the wind moan. Chakotay and I slept close together to keep warm. He thought nothing of it when we lay down, and I probably wouldn't have either if we hadn't been alone. Since we were, I almost resisted, but my own discomfort and the logic of the situation changed my mind.
For months we'd been long past anything sparking between us when we were alone. And even if I'd had days when I deeply regretted that, he had no way of knowing. I watched him grow from friendship to caring to anger to indifference, if one can call that growth. I guess it must be. It's best for the ship. It's what I led him to believe I wanted. I never told him any other truth. And I thought it would be best for him as well.
When I awoke, his body was curled up against mine and I could feel his breath against my cheek. He was still fast asleep, pressing closer as he drew in air, then falling back, my neck warming as he exhaled. It tickled, in a nice way. I must have squirmed because the steady rhythm of his lungs was disturbed as he grunted, sniffed, and mumbled something which could have been a syllable of my name or my rank, or could have been "can't" - or could have been nothing. But for the second when I thought he'd actually said my name, I felt something tighten in my gut, and I might have gasped a little.
I guess that woke him up. He drew a long breath and stretched, arching himself into me in that sleepy moment before consciousness, before the sleeper can really tell what's up. Bad choice of words. I breathed in again when he pressed against my back, loudly enough that he knew I was awake too, and was aware of him. He stroked my arm. Maybe he meant nothing by that either, maybe it was just an accident, part of his stretching, or maybe it was "Good morning." That's all it would have been if I hadn't been in the middle of exhaling, and it hadn't turned into a sigh.
His breathing changed. Faster, shallower, I suppose in pace with his heart rate which I could barely feel through the layers of clothing on our upper bodies. Had I frightened him, angered him...excited him? I couldn't tell. His body lay still, hesitating, then his hand traveled back up my arm, more firmly. I hummed a little just to let him know I didn't mind. His breath changed again, concentrated on a spot on my neck just below my ear, as he ticked my collarbone with his fingers.
I could have pretended that was "Wake up." I could have pretended it was nothing. It all felt very dreamlike: a fantasy from months earlier which I hadn't indulged lately because it made me sad. Either one of us could have stopped what was happening with a word - any word - any speech would have brought us back to our usual communication, and our usual relationship.
I knew that, consciously, as I puffed out a giggle and squirmed - back towards him, not away. That wasn't a conscious decision on my part. It didn't escape his notice, however. His fingertips were light as they dropped to tickle my side, but the sigh in my ear, full of longing, was anything but.
I'm very ticklish, especially first thing in the morning when I have to go to the bathroom, so he had me gasping and shrieking right away - I couldn't have been articulate if I'd wanted to be. After a second he stopped teasing and just stroked over my hip. Friends can get away with tickling there, but this was something else, and my chest constricted as I realized what he was asking. He went as still as I did, but did not remove his hand, and after the space of a few breaths, he stretched his thumb to massage the small of my back in tiny circles that gradually became larger and moved toward the center.
I encouraged him, I admit it - not only did I not move away, I hummed pleasure as his hand moved, getting louder when he hit a spot that felt particularly good, whimpering a little when he stopped to rest. His hands relaxed me and made me tight with desire at the same time - I wondered whether he could feel that when he traveled over the same spots, only to find them tense again. I knew what he was feeling from his breath, which grew more rapid as he got more daring and I sighed my approval. I didn't let myself think about what would happen next. If he'd spoken a single word, even my name, I would have stopped the whole thing, but he only hummed and sighed with me.
So when his fingers "accidentally" slipped and brushed over my breast, I was too far gone to react as I should have, to gasp and jolt away. Instead I moaned and twisted towards them - and was promptly mortified, but it was too late, his entire hand had descended to cup and caress me. It felt so good to be touched like that; I breathed in hard, filling my lungs so that my chest pressed into his seeking palm. Despite the cold, I wanted to feel his fingers on my body. I raised myself up to pull my shirt out, but he figured out what I was doing, and with a grunt of surprise worked his fingers between the layers of clothing. The chill made me gasp at first, but the skin warmed quickly as he rubbed and explored.
He'd gotten very quiet; I rolled over to look at him. Despite our emergency lamps, the light was quite dim in the cave, so it was hard to see his features. Still, it wasn't hard to know what he wanted from his hands and his soft, questioning sighs, which grew deeper as I pressed against him, wrapping my legs around his back while I dropped my face into his throat for a discreet taste of his skin.
Both his groan and the way he thrust up to me surprised me - he'd been so controlled thus far, even his breathing, that I hadn't realized how far gone he was. I might have gotten scared then, but he rolled me back over, spooning into my back as his hands traveled down the front of my pants. That's the point at which I should have pushed him away with a firm "no," but I didn't. I didn't even breathe. I let him feel his way down, discover what he was looking for, and begin to touch me so skillfully that I went from gasping to crying to a couple of actual screams.
Good morning, Kathryn. Welcome back to the land of the waking.
God.
I pulled off my pants before I rolled over to kiss him; that way I could wrap my legs around him again, and press him down onto his back, and let my hair fall over his face. I knew he would like that, and he did; he stroked it and rubbed his mouth against it, and smiled. Funny, he was just the kind of lover I once fantasized he'd be, before I decided I must have been wrong. We had too many layers of misunderstanding between us, the wrong words at the wrong times or words not said when they should have been. I wondered whether now was one of those times - whether I should say something. But everything I thought to say seemed like too much, or not enough. And I liked the sound of his voice without words - the cross between a purr and a sigh when I stroked him, the strangled shout when I bit his neck.
He let me take his pants down, but flipped me onto my back when they tangled around his ankles, grunting in momentary frustration. I think he wanted to kiss me again before we made love, but I lay flat on the floor so I could look up at him panting over me, his breath in my nostrils. Despite the cold he was starting to sweat, little drops that collected on his temples and dripped down his neck. I arched up to lick them, he pulled me towards him, and we both cried out as we slid effortlessly together.
I don't usually come in that position if I came during foreplay, so I shuddered when I felt myself starting to contract again. Maybe my body had changed during all these months of abstinence, or maybe it was being with him, I don't know. It scared me a little, and it made me feel good to yell, which seemed to push him closer, so we shouted in tandem until he roared from the back of his throat and pinned me so hard I couldn't catch my breath. He's just lucky he wasn't pressing down on my bladder. I think I saw stars when he came.
I sound very unprofessional, don't I? No worse than communicating with my first officer in grunts and squeaks. When he finally realized he was suffocating me, he rolled to the side with a big sigh of happiness that blew my hair into my eyes. His fingers followed, pushing it back, then his lips moved where his fingers had been, murmuring as he kissed my forehead. I blew on his damp neck. He snickered, I snickered back.
And as if on cue, my comm badge chirped.
"Tuvok to Janeway."
"Janeway here," I responded automatically, my voice shockingly steady and loud.
"We have located a large deposit of dilithium ore at coordinates seven- one-zero northwest. I have contacted the ship but they are unable to beam through the rock. I recommend all away teams converge at the location with drilling equipment, and that we divide the engineering crew into shifts to bring the loads to the surface."
"Agreed, Tuvok. Excellent work." I'm sure he wondered about the sing- song satisfaction in my voice. Chakotay broke into a broad grin and blew a kiss at me. I mimed one back. "We'll meet you as soon as we can reach you. Janeway out."
My first officer reached behind him, flipped open a tricorder and made a great show of taking my readings. "What do you know? It's really you."
"What did you expect? You woke me up," I accused.
"You're always like this first thing in the morning?" I slapped at him, laughing, thinking that in the dim light he looked several years younger. Or maybe it was just that he reminded me of the man he was several years ago. I reached for him with an ache that took my breath away.
He let me slide into his arms, but his breathing was also erratic, a little too fast. "Was this a just-once, never-again, it-didn't-mean-anything aberration?" he asked guardedly. I'd known I would have to ask him the same thing, and feared the answer. I knew what my answer should be as well; my rational instinct was to define some more parameters, and make sure the boundaries were within my control. As they had been for the past five years. How well had that worked? I didn't mean to, but I sniffled a little, and he tightened his grip.
"No. It wasn't an aberration. Unless--do you want it to be just one of those things?"
"Absolutely not, Kathryn."
He spoke with so much conviction that I had to laugh, and hug him, and shake my head. I could feel his chest shaking and wasn't sure whether he was fighting off giggles or tears, but when he spoke again, his voice was steady, and warm against my skin. "Well, I have no idea what I did right today, but I promise to try to do it again whenever you want."
"Just give me a few minutes to catch my breath," I smiled.