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mk could spend all day with julia, not leaving her side for a single hour and still never understand her thought process. nothing she did made sense to her. she was smart like millie in a way, being able to math at an alarming speed, but she also made zero sense when trying to reason with others about her actions.
it was eleven pm. they were both still up, julia sketching or writing, mk didnt care to look as she was doodling in her notebook. the pair sat on mks bed which julia had argued was more comfortable than her own, even thought they both felt like bricks.
mk not so subtly glanced at julia which then turned into non discrete staring, but julia was too absorbed with her pencil and paper to notice. she hadnt gained weight since she arrived but mk couldnt tell if she lost any.
children would appear in the psychiatric hospital and leave in a few months time. shes seen kids her age screaming, crying, lying, but she never cared to learn why, she would just know the basic definition of what was “wrong” with them and move on, but she simply couldnt grasp what julia saw. she could understand emma trying to murder chase, she could understand chase having little regard for other peoples lives, but she couldnt understand why julia would choose to starve herself.
actually, mk had one idea. mk had tried everything she could think of to try and kill herself in that hospital until she figured out the nurses would always find out. once she tried not eating for a week but the nurses caught on by day two. julia had to be trying to die by this. mk tapped julia lightly on the shoulder and she could feel the cold radiating off of her.
“did ms. ella write ‘suicidal’ on your report?” mk asked. she had to live with this girl, she had little care of secrecy unless it involved her getting sent back to the office.
“of course that bitch wrote that i was suicidal. shes horrible at her job.” julia complained, slamming the notebook she held shut.
“you arent?” mk asked, trying to seem less puzzled than she actually was.
“if i wanted to die, i wouldve stabbed myself before i came here, but i didnt and im now stuck here.” julia rolled her eyes, leaning against the hollow wall behind her which kept no noise hidden inside of each room.
“i just dont see the point of doing all of this if youre not suicidal and youre going to die by the end of it.” mk said bluntly as julia stared at her for a minute. mk couldnt tell what she was thinking if it wasnt disgust from looking at another patient.
“im not going to die if i reach my goal weight. ill know when to stop. id just eat at my maintenance until im like, 75.” julia explained and mk could hear her lying through her teeth. she wondered if julia actually ever believed anything she said. was it lying or delusions?
mk never believed a word she told ms. ella. she never explicitly said she was getting better, but she never had enough proof of getting better to leave. she never told her the way she yearned to feel her vision going black and feeling her lungs run out of air when the rope held her tight. she never told her the way she would claw at her thighs, skin being ripped off if the nurses thought she was doing well and put little effort into checking on her. her and julia were playing different games.
“ms. ella probably wrote it because you look like youre dying.” mk shrugged, listening for nurses footsteps and relaxing her shoulders when she could confirm that they werent coming until they finished their other rounds.
“i dont. i can think of a thousand ways to successfully kill myself in here and i havent tried any of them because i want to leave and have a normal life. maybe win prom queen three times just to shove it in bowies face.” julia smiled at the thought of throwing three plastic prom crowns at his face.
“i cant think of anything that being thin can give you that death cant.” mk said, letting the cool air from outside of their dorm door flow in and hit her skin. it was a more comfortable, yet unrecognizable kind of cold than compared to julia. the blonde felt like the grim reaper hugging her, bones clashing against her rough scars like the universe was mocking her. maybe she felt like the grim reaper because the universe knew this girl would be the death of her.
“i could be alive and pretty, or i could die like ms. ella says i will at 50 and go down in history as a modern marilyn monroe. i just dont see the appeal of not existing when you could exist and be what the heavens intended me to be.” julia explained and mk truly didnt have a response for that. it was painful how drastically different they were.
mk didnt live julias life. she may never understand the need to be skin and bones and yet never see yourself as that, moving down on the scale until you get sent to a psychiatrist hospital for something you are in such deep denial about. julia could never understand the need to be in an enteral state of slumber and silence with no voice gnawing at her brain telling her that she technically could end it all at any point if she tried hard enough.
“do you think either of us will get out?” julia broke the silence. she knew the answer to one of them. she knew she, herself would get it. how? she didnt know. she thought of many things from getting someone to attack a nurse while she runs out to starting a fire to escape as she had no desire to gain any weight. maybe mk thought of the same things. mks routes of escape often also had fire, expect she ended up burning in the end.
”i dont know. if i get out though, im running to go beat your ass in mario kart.” mk said, shifting over to lay her head against her pillow which was as thin as a piece of paper and about as comfortable as sleeping on a bench. julia moved along with her, leaving her on the outer edge of the bed.
”yeah, you can play your nerdy games and i can have a full body shower with my luxury products.” julia replied, getting increasingly annoyed with the cheap products the hospital supplied for them to shower with. she swore she could feel her hair splitting and the moisture escaping from her skin.
julia was about to go on an half an hour rant about how shitty the products they supplied were before mk tensed up and hit julias arm. a nurse was coming and mk could tell it was nurse zoey based off the shoes. it was a common drill the patients practiced. if you were up late you had to pretend to be asleep. mk was pretty sure the nurses generally didnt care if two people slept in the same bed as if they did, raj and bowie wouldve been moved to different dorms.
mk forced her eyes to stay closed as she heard nurse zoey open and close the dorm doors before theirs until she reach their own. she swung the door open and she had to do her best not to jolt. she shone a flashlight onto mks (their) bed before slamming the door shut to go harass the pair the next door over.
mk was finally able to breath and started to shake julias arm to tell her that nurse zoey was gone but julia stayed with her eyes closed. julia actually fell asleep. it was pathetic to mk as she believed nobody should be allowed to go to bed before 1am, but she supposed it was more normal to julia who didnt use to stay up screaming at people on valorant lobbies.
mk couldve lifted up julia and brought her back to her own bed as she did some times before when she felt like she was going to die of hypothermia as well, which believe it or not, she was not willing to die over. every time she brought the blonde back to her own bed, it felt like bringing a dead body to their coffin. mk could use that excuse for why she let julias arms fall on her as mk stayed awake for another two hours before she fell asleep with julia beside her.