Chapter Text
The buzzing of the tattoo gun was better than any talk therapy that Sirius had ever experienced. Whether he was on the giving or receiving end of tattooing, pun intended, it was always the same. Therapeutic. And he needed that, because right across the street from the tattoo shop that he owned, was his ex’s bookshop.
“Ex” wasn’t how Sirius wanted to refer to Remus—it seemed too simple, too plain. What he and Remus once shared had been soul-altering, the biggest and most intense love Sirius had ever experienced in his life. He’d never experienced love so pure and overwhelming before Remus; maybe that was what caused him to eventually sabotage them and cause their eventual downfall.
That was six months ago, and even though time continued to pass, Sirius still couldn’t stomach going back to their once shared flat every single day. Waking up without Remus there, curled up against him, was torture.
Now, while tattooing a piece he’d been working on for a week—an open book with a dragon flying out of the pages—he couldn’t get Remus off of his mind. Not that this was new. He still missed Remus and thought about him every single day, but today was an especially bad one. His brain wasn’t being kind to him.
“Looking good, Black,” Barty said from over Sirius’ shoulder as he watched the tattoo’s progress. “Still moping today?”
“Shut up, Barty.” Sirius rolled his eyes at his fellow artist. He and Barty opened up shop two years ago after Remus had convinced Sirius that he would be successful.
Remus had been there for Sirius when his life imploded after being disowned by his parents when he was a teenager. Remus had been there when Sirius worked dead-end jobs, and when he was unable to hold a job altogether. Remus encouraged him to pursue his art, and then supported him when he decided to take on a tattoo apprenticeship. Remus supported Sirius when he brought in no money, when they lived in a run-down shithole of a flat.
Sirius had been a mess, definitely still was, and the only reason he was somewhat sane and successful now was Remus’ love and compassion.
“Guess it’s not much of a difference from any other day,” Barty commented.
“You’re a dick,” Sirius rebutted as he filled in a delicate portion of the dragon’s wing. His client Marlene was one of his regulars whom he now considered a friend.
“You both should really evaluate why insulting each other is your love language.” Marlene laughed.
She wasn’t wrong. Sirius and Barty had developed an interesting friendship. Sometimes they argued like cats and dogs, but even so, Barty came through for him every time. Like when he and Remus first broke up and Sirius turned to excessive drinking, more than he had before, and making bad decisions.
Funnily enough, even though Barty would sooner make fun of people’s struggles than help them, he was the one that convinced Sirius to seek therapy. Well, more like threatened to end their friendship and resign from the shop. Sirius would never make it without Barty, who was the best piercer in London. And, even more important, he hadn’t wanted to lose Barty as his friend, especially after he’d already lost Remus.
Marlene asked, her voice softening, “Have you spoken to him?”
“To Remus?” Sirius leaned back from Marlene, shutting off his tattoo gun. “No.”
“I keep telling him he should,” Barty chimed in.
“He said he needed space, and then he moved out. He’s avoided me ever since. I think it’s pretty obvious he wants nothing to do with me.” Sirius frowned.
“But you’re not the same person you were six months ago, Sirius,” Marlene said. “Even I can tell that, and I don’t see you every day like this idiot.” She gestured towards Barty.
She wasn’t wrong, but Sirius struggled to be kind to himself and be proud of where he was now. Thankfully, he had not only Barty and Marlene trying to help him but also James. James, his best friend, his brother, his platonic soulmate.
James was proud of all that he’d done to work on himself, and Sirius knew that was worth something.
Sirius sighed. “I know, but I don’t want to bother him…”
“I’ve seen him look through our windows plenty of times,” Barty said with a raised eyebrow. “Mostly when you’re not looking.”
“That means nothing, he works right across the street.”
“You’ll never know if you don’t try,” Marlene added.
*
When Sirius met James and Lily for their weekly board game night, it was clear that he and Lily had an agenda. The same agenda as Marlene and Barty.
“Why is everyone suddenly telling me to talk to him?” Sirius exclaimed over the monopoly board. “You guys have never encouraged this before.”
Sirius wanted to contact Remus, of course he wanted to. He wanted nothing more in the whole world than to have Remus in his life again. The hesitation came from wanting to respect Remus’ boundaries. He hadn’t, in the beginning. He’d been clingy, and desperate not to lose Remus. Sirius had driven a wedge even further between them by not giving Remus the space that he needed.
But Sirius was sober now for the first time in years. He was determined to continue on his new, healthy path in life. One of peace and calmness. Where he’d once wanted big and loud, he now wanted small and quiet. A life where he could enjoy basking in the morning sun, drinking tea and reading a good book. Whereas he’d once wanted chaotic and fast, he now wanted the calm that accompanied stillness. He’d changed, and while still in the process of healing, he was a million miles away from the person he had been when Remus finally left.
“Because we think it’s time, mate,” James stated with a small, tentative smile. “It’s been months. I know you’re trying to respect what he wants, and that's wonderful. But I also see how down you are. I don’t know if years and years of friendship have to be given up altogether because the relationship didn’t work out. Maybe you could try to have him in your life, in some sort of capacity?”
Lily nodded along, eyes soft and telling.
Sirius knew that James and Lily still had a strong friendship with Remus. And a small part of him felt the smallest glimmer of hope. Maybe they knew something he didn’t? Maybe Remus was open to talking? If so, Sirius would never expect anything more than that.
“Let me ask you something.” Lily divided out more monopoly money as she spoke. “I know you’re still sad, and you have good and bad days, but when you think about where you are now and what you’ve learned”—she turned fully towards him—“are you ok with yourself now? If you’d never have anything, friendship or more, with Remus for the rest of your life, would you be happy?”
That was the crux of it all, wasn’t it? Everyone says you can’t love someone unless you love yourself. He’d never believed it before, but now…
After losing everything and having to pick himself back up, the reality was that he’d survived. Despite all the odds, he’d survived and even thrived at times.
Sirius once thought he’d never smile again, then James would say something ridiculous and suddenly, he was full belly laughing. Sirius once thought he’d never feel a love that made him feel light, and then Marlene took him to a theme park and they rode roller coasters for nearly ten hours.
Sirius learned that he could have a companionship so deep and meaningful with friends that maybe he didn’t need romance. It was scary to think of that, because the only person he’d ever wanted it with was Remus. But without him, he’d gripped onto the deepest parts of himself, the parts that needed mending, and pulled them to the surface kicking and screaming.
“I-” Sirius paused. Saying it out loud felt terrifying. But he’d conquered worse. “Yes, I think I would be.”
He’d said as much in front of his therapist, but it felt different saying it to his best friends. To the people that knew him. People that loved him.
James looked at him, eyes glistening as if he may cry. And if James cried, Sirius would soon follow. “I’m so bloody proud of how far you’ve come. And to hear you say that just-” James stuttered, choking on a soft laugh. “I feel like I’ve finally got my brother back.”
Well, that’ll do it.
Now, Sirius was crying, attempting to laugh it off and failing miserably.
“Oh, you are both such big saps.” Lily smiled fondly.
James stood and made his way over towards Sirius for a hug. “And now that my brother has made his way back to me, I have something to tell you.”
Lily stood and made her way over, placing a gentle hand on Sirius arm.
James pulled away, but kept Sirius’ hands in his own.
For some reason, Sirius knew whatever James wanted to tell him was something good. He couldn't remember the last time those words had left James’ mouth and they’d been bad. Like when he told Sirius he needed to go to AA or he wouldn’t be allowed back in their house. But those times were past, and Sirius had worked hard to pull through. Now, announcements like this one were good. Who would have thought?
“Oh, are you up the duff Lily?” Sirius laughed wetly.
“Well, I wasn’t going to say it exactly like that, you big oaf.” Lily squeezed his arm.
Wait.
Wait.
“What?” Sirius looked to James. “Really?” His heart sped with joy.
“Really, mate. We’re going to have a baby Prongs running around!” A smile split across James’ face, big and beaming.
“Or Prongsette,” Lily corrected.
“Or Prongsette.”
“Oh my god!” Sirius shouted. He couldn’t contain himself from jumping up and down in excitement, and James followed him.
“I know!”
“Oh my god!!!”
“I know!!” They jumped and laughed like kids. Excitement loud and brought to the surface. Because James, his James, was having a kid. A whole tiny human being. Something James had always wanted with Lily. Seeing them happy brought Sirius indescribable joy.
“Oi, settle down! You’re going to fall through the floor,” Lily scolded with a grin. Sirius threw his arms around both of them.
“I’m so bloody happy for you both.” Sirius wept like a baby.
A baby!
James and Lily were going to have a baby. A new life brought into this world and raised by parents who would love them unconditionally. Amazing. Incredible.
“What if it’s twins?!” Sirius looked to James, who looked elated by the idea.
“Heavens, no! It’s only one baby.” Lily laughed. “I can barely handle James. I can’t imagine having to wrangle him and two kids.”
Sirius laughed so hard he nearly threw his back out.
*
Lils: Hey! Can you stop by Moony’s today and pick up a book for me? It’s called Raising Good People by Sandra E. Hart.
Lils: Thanks!
Sirius was with a client when the texts came in that morning, so he hadn’t even had a chance to respond or argue.
Now, it was the afternoon, and Sirius’ stomach had been in knots ever since. Even though he’d received encouragement to talk to Remus from everyone around him, he still felt like he needed to work up to it—muster up some courage.
All day he’d been trying to sneak glances out of his window that directly faced Moony's, Remus’ bookshop. Sirius knew that Remus had employees, mostly uni students who needed flexible work, but chances were he’d run into him regardless.
Sirius checked his phone again while panic chain smoking out front of his shop.
Sirius: I know what you’re doing
Sirius: I’m not an idiot
Lils: Debatable
Lils: Just go in there you dolt
Lils: Love you. You can do it
No, no he absolutely could not do it.
Sirius took a breath, stomped out the butt of his cigarette, then took another breath.
Ok. Maybe he could do it.
Sirius crossed the small two-lane road that separated his shop from Moony’s. He cursed the chime of the bell that rang when he opened the door. And of course, the only person behind the checkout counter was Remus. With his soft cardigan, slightly mussed curls, and a book in hand.
Remus looked up, and his rich hazel eyes caught Sirius’ grey ones. It was probably a cliché, but time slowed. It stopped abruptly between them as they held eye contact for a beat too long. Sirius' heart squeezed terribly, but not so much that it overwhelmed him as it once did. Progress. Hard earned progress.
“Hello,” Remus greeted, his soft baritone wrapping around Sirius like a warm blanket.
Sirius hesitated, because what was he supposed to say to the man he was still madly in love with? Remus, who’d once been Sirius’ whole world, to the point of obsession. Remus, who’d been patient and compassionate with him for so many years before he finally couldn’t handle Sirius’ overwhelming intensity.
I’ve fixed myself. No, that wasn’t exactly accurate. Bettering yourself is something you strive to do over a lifetime.
I’ve changed. That part was true, but Remus hadn’t asked and Sirius didn’t have the right to explain anymore.
I love you. Still painfully and wholly true, but Sirius had grown to accept he’d always love Remus. And again, he hadn't been invited to share. Sirius knew that the type of love he’d projected onto Remus when he was at his lowest hadn’t been love. It had been desperation, all-consuming codependency.
Sirius could talk for days and still not finish all of his apologies to Remus.
So what should he say?
“Hi.”
It was a start.
For some reason, the heavens took pity on Sirius because Remus smiled. A small, gentle tug of his lips. It was enough to make Sirius weak in the knees.
“How are you, Sirius?” Remus asked, setting down his book and coming to stand in front of the counter.
Sirius stepped further into the shop, fidgeting with the frayed edge of the inside of his coat pocket nervously. He’d missed how Remus said his name, with his barely there Welsh lilt.
“Yeah, I’m good. Good. Actually, I’m well. Doing well. Pretty good.” He’d never been one to stammer or fumble over his words, but being able to speak with Remus again when the air between them was actually light made him feel like he was a teenager again. Happy, with tentative hope. Back when all they knew was young love, simpler love.
Remus’ left eyebrow twitched, a telltale sign of his amusement. Sirius knew Remus and his body language like the back of his own hand.
“I’m glad.” It sounded so genuine coming from Remus, and Sirius didn’t know what he’d done to deserve the kindness.
“How are you? I- Well, I mean how are you doing?” Sirius asked, fighting the urge to look anywhere but at Remus. He wanted to know, he was desperate to know that Remus was ok. Of course James and Lily had reassured him, but they didn’t go into detail out of respect.
Remus tilted his head slightly, assessing. Whatever he was looking for, Sirius hoped that he wouldn’t disappoint.
“I’m well, thanks.” Remus gestured towards the rows of books on the shelves. “Are you looking for something?”
That’s right. Sirius suddenly remembered just why he was here. “Actually yes.” He’d come to pick up a parenting book for Lily, but did Remus know that Lily was pregnant? Surely they’d told Remus as well? What if they hadn’t and Sirius ruined the surprise? “Er, something for Lily actually.”
Remus nodded, “Oh, is it Raising Good People? I mentioned that to her the other day when…” He trailed off, seemingly stopping himself on purpose.
“Yeah I had dinner with them last night and…” Sirius paused.
“They’re having…” Remus fished. Sirius bit back a laugh. The two of them must be in the same predicament: did the other know or not?
“A baby!” Sirius couldn’t help the excited raise of his voice, which he immediately regretted considering how quiet the bookshop was.
“A baby, indeed.” Remus didn’t shout, but he’d perked up, straightening his shoulders. His smile grew. “I can’t believe it.”
“I know!” Sirius gestured to nothing in particular. “Sorry.” He forced his voice to adjust to the appropriate decibel. “I can’t believe it either—I mean I can because it’s James and Lily and it’s what they’ve always wanted—but I’m just so excited for them. I’m so excited for the baby. I can’t wait to meet them. The baby, that is.”
He knew he was rambling, but his nerves had somewhat eased, and instead elation took over.
Remus watched him, eyes full of curiosity and something else that Sirius didn’t recognize. “I’m excited too. They deserve happiness.”
Sirius nodded in agreement. He wanted to say so do you, and he found comfort in that thought because it reminded him that he deserved his own happiness too. Acknowledging this had been a major milestone in his recovery journey.
“They do,” Sirius spoke. James and Lily absolutely deserved happiness, but Sirius had his mind on another set of wayward lovers. “They’ve been through a lot.”
In Sirius' honest opinion, they’d had a storybook romance, one written in epics.
One true and real, yet fraught with hardships along the way.
A historic sort of love.
One that burned bright, and sometimes scorched when the fuel of Sirius’ insecurities added to the fire.
But with hardships came growth. New life. New outlooks.
“Yes, they have,” Remus said softly, surprising Sirius and snapping his attention back to the moment. The agreement caught Sirius off guard. It filled him with a cautious hope, but he didn’t want to get too far ahead of himself.
Remus continued, “It seems they want us to interact.” There was a slight blush creeping up from his collar. Sirius wanted nothing more than to bury his nose there.
Instead he laughed in response, a bit reserved, “Yeah… They do.” Sirius bit the inside of his cheek. Now would be the time to politely end the conversation, get the book, and leave Remus be. Sirius didn’t want to overwhelm Remus and make the same mistakes he’d made in the past. But he ached to have Remus in his life, in any sort of capacity.
“Would-”
“I-”
They spoke at the same time. Remus smiled. “You first.”
Sirius fought the urge to fidget more. “How do you feel about… interacting?”
This time, Remus didn’t take an extended moment to answer. “I think I would like to.”
Small as it may be, a weight lifted from Sirius’ chest. It was something.
“I would too.” But how was Sirius supposed to go about this? It seemed presumptuous to invite Remus to lunch or something equally as polite. Either way, he needed to let Remus decide what he was comfortable with. He’d leave the ball in Remus’ court.
Remus seemed to sense Sirius’ hesitation. He always did. Remus knew every part of him. The good and the bad. “Would you like to go to the outdoor market with me? I’m going on Friday to get ingredients for a soup I want to make for James and Lily.”
“Cawl?” Sirius asked.
“Mhm. I’ve made them Mum’s before but James asked about my nain’s recipe so I promised him I’d make it.”
“I love your Cawl, it’s one of the best things you make,” Sirius said wistfully, unable to stop himself.
Remus seemed conflicted on how to respond, so Sirius continued. “Yes, I’d like to go to the market with you. Thank you for-for inviting me.”
Remus smiled.