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The motion was like a reflex, imprinted in his memory from another time. A reach, hopeful, only to hit soft, cold sheets instead of warm skin.
Izuku opened his eyes to confirm that he was alone. The clock on his phone showed 06:32.
A text.
Emergency at the agency. Don't wait up.
He left out the apology.
He had left out the apology for quite some time now.
Did he even come home yesterday?
Izuku couldn't remember.
When was the last time that they went to sleep together?
He couldn't remember that either.
He found half-finished coffee in the sink and leftover breakfast on the stove. In a gloomy mood, Izuku reheated it and poured himself some of the coffee left in the pot. It was warm, but not fresh.
How long had he been gone already?
Izuku sat alone on the counter and ate without tasting, slowly, hanging in his memories.
Memories of mornings together. Scrubby hair, the sound of food being freshly made, his arms around Katsuki's waist, the smell of the grilled fish mixing with the soft caramel of his husband's skin.
His sleepy grunting, a laugh as an answer, a long, sloppy kiss.
When did Katsuki last kiss him like that?
Izuku didn't finish his breakfast. He left the rest on the counter and got ready for the day.
He hated eating alone.
"Are you coming or do you have plans with our big-shot number one again?" Yamada-san teased at their lunch break.
Izuku used to have plans. And he declined the invitation to the after-work hangouts with a smile and an apology.
Thank you, maybe next time.
Because Fridays were theirs.
Fridays belonged to hiding away from the world on their sofa, Fridays belonged to entangled legs under his Allmight blanket, Fridays belonged to staying up late watching movies, playing videogames, and sneaking popcorn between the healthy snacks.
Izuku regretted the text.
It's Friday.
He regretted it because the answer came hours later.
I can't. Big breakthrough in the Bank Butcher case I told you about. They need me here.
The apology hanging in the air, but unspoken.
This was nothing to be sorry about, right?
There simply were more important things than a movie night for the Top Hero of Japan.
There were simply more important things than Izuku.
He regretted the text, but it also freed him from spending his Friday evening waiting for him. Hopeful - crestfallen later - sleeping in on the sofa after two glasses of wine and three silent sobs.
"You know, you can also bring him? We would be glad to see the demon spawn every once in a while." Aizawa-san added. Izuku smiled at his coworkers.
"No, I'll come." He said and his smile wobbled a bit, "Kacchan's busy anyway."
He didn't mean for it to sound so bitter.
It was the middle of the night when he came home and he was drunk.
It had been nice. Relaxing with his former teacher's, now turned colleague, drinking, unwinding.
Not thinking about cold bedsheets and leftover breakfast.
He did feel jealousy shot up. When he watched Yamada-san take Aizawa-san's hand to ever so casually bring it up to his mouth and breathe a gentle kiss on it.
They always had been subtle about their relationship, only ever showing it in small gestures like this. Small acts of affection, genuine smiles, stolen kisses.
Katsuki had never been subtle. If he had been there, he would have had his arm slung around Izuku's shoulder. He would not steal a kiss, he would have demanded it. Izuku would have been blushing from the overwhelming PDA, muttering apologies to everyone, but ultimately failing to not indulge his husband's antics.
It only left more room for yearning, highlighted his absence. No arm around him, no nauseating kiss, no booing and complaints.
Izuku brushed over his own hand and bit his lip until it stopped hurting from the touch that was missing.
It still had been nice. And Izuku had walked home alone, considering to call his mother, considering not coming home at all.
Their apartment greeted him with silence and vacancy.
An explanation still owed to his empty inbox.
Izuku cried himself to sleep.
That night he dreamt of him, dreamt of idle mornings, coffee in bed, fingers lazily brushing over his skin.
He dreamt of velvet eyes, of whispered confessions between breathless kisses, of lips caressing every centimeter of his skin.
He dreamt of happiness and warmth and arms slung around him while he slept.
He woke up to cold sheets, no apologies and a heavy heart.
The small kiss planted on his hair burned through Izuku's skin. He didn't look up from the exams he was correcting. He wanted to. He wanted to pull him in so badly, to get lost in the smell of smoke and caramel, wanted to get lost in pretending everything was okay.
The touch vanished as soon as it came and Izuku's eyes burned.
"That kid with the confusion quirk still giving you trouble?" Katsuki's tone was casual and chatty and he put on the boots of his costume in the meantime.
Izuku looked up with a pained expression on his face.
"No, he graduated last year." He silently said.
Surprise and confusion painted Katsuki's face.
Then realization.
"Oh." He said.
Yeah, oh.
When did they stop to talk about their lives? When did Katsuki become a mere acquaintance, a stranger happening to share an address with him?
For a moment Katsuki looked like he wanted to say something, like he wanted to tell him that he would fix this. And god, Izuku was praying he would just say anything.
But Katsuki just got up and planted another kiss on his hair.
"I need to go." He whispered against his locks and stayed there for just a moment too long. Izuku's heart burned with longing.
Stay, please. He wanted to say.
"Don't die." He said instead and Katsuki chuckled. The vibrations against his head felt so familiar, yet so strange. This was the first time that they had even seen each other this week.
And then Katsuki let go of him and left an unbearable cold.
"I'll be late, don't wait up."
Izuku didn't tell him he never did anymore anyway.
The clock on their kitchen oven showed 05:21. Izuku had been staring at it for quite some time. It jumped to 05:22. He twisted the ring on his finger.
He had wanted to do something nice. It was their tenth anniversary after all. Ten years had past since the unpompous ceremony. Ten years, since their sloppy tear-filled promises. Ten years, since Katsuki had whispered: "You're stuck with me forever now, shitty Deku." against his lips.
He had wanted to do something nice, but he had woken up to an empty bed again and he was afraid to even ask where he went.
The clock jumped to 05:23.
Izuku pulled his ring off.
He felt cold without it.
He slid it back on.
He prepared his surprise anyway.
And went to bed without seeing his husband.
Izuku's sleep drunken eyes blinked up to the rare sight of velvet painted over by guilt.
"I didn't mean to wake you." Katsuki whispered.
"That's okay," Izuku mumbled.
Where were you?
Unasked.
Katsuki wrapped his arms around his hip and buried his face in his shoulder.
"It was beautiful." He mumbled, "Thank you."
Say sorry. Please.
He didn't and Izuku still leaned into the hug. Because he was too touch-staved not to. Because he never saw his husband go to bed, never saw him waking up anymore and because most nights, Izuku had the feeling that he only came home to eat breakfast and change clothes.
"Did you forget?"
Izuku didn't have the energy to be mad, he just sounded tired. And he turned to cup his husband's face and at least see the remorse in his beautiful eyes.
"Can you forgive me?" Katsuki asked.
It wasn't exactly an apology, but Izuku pulled him in a lazy kiss anyway and Katsuki broke it way too quickly, leaving Izuku yarning and unsatisfied. He snuck his head into Katsuki's chest and tried to forget.
At least, he was here right now. At least, he got this moment.
"I love you," Izuku whispered.
Katsuki pulled him closer and it was comfortable and safe and Izuku drowned in the familiar smell that he missed every day.
"Go back to sleep, idiot," Katsuki whispered back, placing the smallest kiss on his forehead.
Izuku forced the disappointment down his throat and closed his eyes.
Katsuki always had problems saying it back.
"You need to talk to him." Ochako determined and Izuku sank further into her sofa.
"He's busy. I get it." He said, blowing softly on his tea, "It's fine."
"He forgot your wedding anniversary!" Ochako exploded, "It's obviously bothering you and you still make up excuses for him. You -"
"Uraraka!"
"No, Deku, for fuck's sake, I know that you love him, but he doesn't get to treat you like this; like you're some -"
"People need him! Not just me, I don't -"
"Could you please be a little selfish for once? At least admit it, would you?"
Izuku starred up at her furrowed eyebrows and he bit his lip. Ochako sighed, sat down next to him, reaching out her hand to him and Izuku reached out as well, pressing it.
The ring on his finger weighed a thousand tons as he said: "I don't know what you want to hear. I'm not mad - don't give me that look - I am not!"
"But it bothers you, doesn't it?" Ochako asked in a way softer tone than before.
Izuku stared at their intertwined fingers. It was nice and calm and comforting.
He missed Katsuki's hand.
"I'm just lonely, I guess." He finally whispered, "And -"
"And?"
And he wasn't sure if Katsuki didn't come home on purpose. He wasn't sure if Katsuki wasn't sick off him, sick of mourning what they could have been, sick of him settling for less. He wasn't sure if Katsuki still loved him.
He didn't say any of that. He couldn't admit it.
"Maybe I should get a dog."
Ochako snorted out her tea.
"You pronounced divorce wrong there, Deku-kun."
Izuku was slightly drunk.
Katsuki stormed into their flat like a whirlwind, grabbed fresh clothes and made some excuses and no apologies to his husband on the sofa.
Izuku knew it was childish. Of course, it was. But he was drunk and lonely and he never even knew where his husband was.
He sat in front of the door, blocking the way out.
His eyes were burning and he didn't look up to his husband as he scowled: "What the hell, Deku?"
"Don't leave."
Katsuki sighed.
"I have to get back to the agency. We-"
"Don't leave, please!" Izuku interrupted and the tears spilling over felt silly, "Just- let someone else take care of it for once. Stay."
Katsuki pulled him up to his feet even though he leaned stubbornly against it. But he wasn't as strong as he once was and he had no chance.
Katsuki whipped his tears off his cheek and made him look him in the eyes.
"You know, I can't. I have responsibilities -"
"You have responsibilities towards me as well."
"Oh, Izuku..." Katsuki gently cooed and it sounded so damn condescending that Izuku wanted to punch him. But his husband pressed a soft, open-mouth kiss on his lips and Izuku let him because he always caved at the scraps that Katsuki threw at him.
And of course, it was too short and it left him with a feeling of yearning that pressed all air out of Izuku's lungs.
"How about you sleep it off first and we can talk about this when I'm back, huh?"
Katsuki brushed his nose over Izuku's and gently pushed him away from the door.
They never talked.
And Izuku didn't get a dog.
He got a divorce attorney.
And Katsuki didn't notice that he took off his ring.
Izuku's heart was heavy as he waited for him to come home. Ochako had already agreed that he could stay with her for a while. Until things were sorted out, until he got his own apartment and-
Maybe until he had stopped crying.
Katsuki came home in a rush again. Izuku turned his head when he tried to kiss him.
"I need to run again, I -"
"That's fine, I just need you to sign something first," Izuku whispered and Katsuki rolled his eyes.
"You can forge my signature if you need it, you know that, I -"
"I think, you should sign this yourself." Izuku insisted and his voice sounded far away. He pushed the divorce papers to his still husband and waited.
Katsuki sighed dramatically and picked up the pen lying on the counter.
"Whatever, I'll-"
He blinked as he read the first line.
Then his eyes flicked to Izuku's empty ring finger, then to his swollen, red eyes that looked at the counter and not at him.
He lowered the pen.
"What the hell? What's that shit, Deku?"
Of course, he would get fucking angry.
"Didn't you have to be somewhere?" Izuku forced the tears down and still refused to meet Katsuki's heated stare.
"Did you just fucking try to trick me into signing divorce papers?"
Now Izuku met his angry stare with the same rage.
"What? Should I rather have forged your fucking signature, huh?"
Katsuki threw the pen at him and missed.
"You might as well because I'm sure as hell not signing this bullshit."
"Fine, then I'll leave them here. I'm staying at Ochako's. You can throw them in as soon as you calmed the fuck down."
He stood up.
"Sit the hell back down."
Izuku pressed past him.
"Don't you dare to fucking leave!" Katsuki roared.
"Watch me fucking dare." Izuku hissed back and Katsuki grabbed harshly around his wrist. They glared at each other.
"You promised forever!" Katsuki shoved his hand with the wedding ring in his face, "Forgot about that?"
"And you promised to love me," Izuku screamed, ripping against Katsuki's grip. Katsuki pressed harder and Izuku's wrist felt like it could snap at any second.
"What the hell do you mean? I do-"
"You fucking don't." Izuku shoved against Katsuki's shoulder, "You love the boy who used to chase after you. You love the hero who saved the world. You love the person who was fighting teeth-clenching to stay a fucking hero and you resent me for the fact that I'm not any of those anymore, that I don't want to be any of those anymore. You love every fucking part of me that you know, except of the person that I am right now." He started to sob even if he didn't want to, "I make you miserable. And that's fine. You make me miserable, too."
Katsuki let him go unexpectedly.
"Deku, that's -"
"Sign the papers, Kacchan."
He left.
And this time, Katsuki let him.