Chapter Text
He really thought he could do it. He thought he could get right back into watching Steve’s back, going on missions. Get back on the violence horse, so to speak. But three minutes into his first mission as one of the Avengers taking down a HYDRA holdout cell, and Bucky loses sight of Steve under a barrage of bullets.
Bucky’s supposed to be providing cover for Steve and Natasha while they breach the building’s perimeter, and then join the rest of the team for the takedown of the base. He’s too busy watching for Steve’s shield through the scope to be providing much of anything.
But Bucky sees dust and flying dirt where Steve is supposed to be, hears the distinct clang of bullets hitting the shield, and his heart starts beating double time. His breathing picks up, until he’s nearly hyperventilating, and his hands shake where they’re wrapped around his sniper rifle.
He finds himself breaking from his position and heading for Steve without conscious thought.
Natasha and Steve have already taken care of most of the guards. Bucky takes care of the rest with a few well-placed bullets.
“Steve!” He shouts, forgetting for a second that he’s still on comms, and his scream will be transmitted to everyone. “Steve!”
“Barnes, what are you doing?!”
“Captain, do something. Barnes is losing it.”
“Bucky, calm down!”
Bucky lets out the breath he didn’t know he was holding as Steve appears in front of him, unharmed and confused. “Steve,” he says, calmer.
“Not to ruin this touching moment, but we’re sort of in the middle of something here.” Tony’s voice lacks its usual humor, instead he sounds mildly confused and a little irritated. “Natasha could use your help inside, Cap.”
Steve spares Bucky a quick, concerned look before he darts towards the entrance of the building.
Bucky can’t help but follow.
They manage to complete the mission mainly because the rest of the team picks up Bucky’s slack. Steve adapts to having Bucky constantly at his back, and adjusts his fighting style accordingly. Natasha pretends like she’s not watching Bucky out of the corner of her eye while they destroy the building.
After they’ve set the timer on the explosive planted in the building and everyone is back on the quinjet, Bucky separates himself from the others and drowns in the silence. He really thought he was ready.
He’s thankful that Steve gives him his space. He doesn’t know how to tell Steve what went wrong. He’s not even sure himself. He thought it would be easy to follow Steve back into the field. He’d followed him back into Nazi Occupied territory after all, and that was before he was as proficient both with and without weapons as he is now. There is no one better suited to watch Steve’s back.
And yet…
Watching Steve be shot at, losing sight of Steve on a dangerous mission, even just the thought of watching Steve throw himself headfirst into danger, makes Bucky’s stomach roll. He panicked, plain and simple. He saw the bullets and Steve go down, and even though he knew Steve was protecting himself with the shield, in his mind he saw Steve from the helicarrier, face bloodied and bruised, accepting the fact he was about to die.
Bucky crumples the armrest of the chair he’s sitting in.
He can’t handle the thought of Steve dying, can’t handle that he might be there, so close to Steve, and unable to stop it. Steve is the only tie he has to this new world. Steve is tied to the parts of himself he clawed out of 70 years of repression from torture and pain.
Without Steve, he has nothing.
The quinjet sets down back at the Tower, and Bucky waits until everyone else is off before he even bothers to stand up. He’s not surprised to find Steve waiting for him by the elevator.
“You ready to talk about it yet?”
“Do I have a choice?” Bucky spits out as he follows Steve into the elevator, and jabs angrily at the button for their floor. When he looks over, Steve’s eyes are wide with shock.
“Of course you do, Buck.” Steve says quietly.
Bucky flushes with guilt, but doesn’t apologize. He lets the silence linger. He’s out the doors as soon as the elevator stops on their floor.
“We need to talk about this, Buck.” Steve calls softly, stopping in the middle of the living room and staring Bucky down.
Bucky makes a go on gesture, and crosses his arms, shoulders hunched up around his ears defensively. Anger is the best defense he has.
“Did I--” Steve pauses, uncertain, and shifts from foot to foot. “Did I push you into coming back out in the field?”
“What? No, of course not.” Bucky uncrosses his arms, defensiveness draining away. “I thought I was ready. I thought I could handle it.” He paces away from Steve. “We’ve been training with the simulator for months.”
“So what was different today?” Steve steps back, gives Bucky space to walk. He keeps his tone light and even, no sign of anger or disappointment.
Bucky runs a hand through his too-long hair, pulling the strands out of the sloppy ponytail he’d had it in. “I lost sight of you.”
“You’ve practiced providing back-up during the simulations before. You don’t always have eyes on me then.”
“I know, Steve.” It comes out harsher than Bucky wants it to. “I know.” He repeats, softer.
“But today was different.” Steve says. It isn’t a question.
“I can’t do it Steve. I can’t watch you get shot at right in front of me. I can’t watch you die, not again.”
“Buck-” Steve starts, confused, but Bucky cuts him off.
“I thought I killed you.” Bucky has to turn away from Steve. He can’t look him in the eye while he’s remembering the helicarrier. “I watched you fall. You didn’t try to protect yourself, you just dropped like a stone. I thought I killed you.”
“Bucky, c’mon. It’s not- that’s not-”
“Then I saw you getting shot at by those HYDRA goons, and then you were gone. I couldn’t see you anymore, okay? What if you were dying and I was too far away to save you? I just... I’m sorry, Steve, but I can’t do it. If I’m out in the field, you are always gonna be my top priority.”
“Bucky.” Steve sighs.
Bucky watches Steve’s reflection in the windows. He sees him reach out tentatively before he pulls his hand back. Bucky turns around, and takes a step closer to Steve. “You understand, right?”
“Yeah.” Steve shrugs. “But where does that leave us? I can’t have you out in the field with me, knowing you’re watching my back more than your own. I won’t be able to focus on the mission.”
“You think I should stay here; not go out into the field.”
“Don’t you?” Steve bites his lip, eyebrows furrowed as he stares at Bucky.
“I’m just supposed to stay at home, and what? Twiddle my thumbs while you’re out there throwing yourself in the path of bullets, taking down HYDRA, cleaning up my mess?” Bucky rocks forward, anger and disappointment at himself burning through his veins.
“Bucky you’ve done enough.” Steve grasps Bucky’s shoulder, the grip gentle but firm enough to keep Bucky from turning away. “We’ve both done enough. Do you need me to lay down the shield? Because I will. I’ll do whatever you need me to do. Even if that means we both retire and go live on a farm in the middle of nowhere together. Whatever you need me to do Bucky, as long as you’re not out in the field with me.”
“I can’t ask you to give up the shield.”
Steve frowns and shakes Bucky just a little. “You’re not askin’, I’m offerin’.”
Bucky huffs as he shrugs his shoulders. “One of us should be out there helping people.” It’s not the whole reason Bucky won’t let Steve give up the shield, but it’s the only one he’ll give. He’s not going to tell Steve that he thinks Steve needs to be Captain America, that Steve would be lost without the shield and the mantle.
“How am I supposed to live with myself if you get killed out there because I’m not with you?” Bucky closes the distance between himself and Steve, lets Steve wrap his arms around him. “What would I do then?”
“It’s not gonna happen, Buck. I have every reason in the world not to do anything stupid. To make sure I come home to you.” Steve kisses the side of Bucky’s face, hugs him as tight as he can.
“This doesn’t make me a kept man.”
“Of course not, Buck.”