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Night 04
I don't know her.
Well, I'd like to think I do know her, what with how we've been spending nights in this bench talking about the most random stuff.
I just don't know her name.
We agreed not to tell each other, though. I feel like it's better that way, she knows a lot about me too much for me to let her in even in my personal life.
Sometimes, strangers are better listeners.
We basked in silence, watching the cars stuck in traffic. I can hear her breaths from time to time, she told me she had breathing problems since she was a kid. Something the doctors told her she'd outgrow, but apparently not.
"Hay, Kuya, ang ingay!" I exclaimed in frustration, as the taxi's horn blared through my ears. "Busina pa nang busina, uusad ba traffic para sayo? Special ka?"
She chuckled at my words. One thing I noticed was how she finds me so funny, the simplest words can make her laugh. Meanwhile here I am in all my jadedness, as if the world's always out to get me.
And sarcasm's my only coping mechanism.
"Iniinis niya lang lalo sarili niya," she commented. One thing I noticed about her is how she's always too careful when speaking, as if either she's too selective of her words, or she's holding back something.
But it's one of her traits I find so fascinating.
"Totoo. Kaya dumadalas patayan sa kalsada—" I immediately looked at her as I know my blunt words sometimes makes her uncomfortable. Indeed it did, with how she's smiling hesitantly.
"Sorry," I said softly.
"No, okay lang. Hindi ko alam bakit 'di pa ko sanay. Ilang gabi na rin tayo nagku-kwentuhan dito." She shook her head with a smile, as if berating herself. I just let out a short laugh, turning my attention back on the road.
The first time I saw her in this bench, she was crying. Not crying like the whole world can hear her, but that type where you'd only know she is when you've done that too—suppressing your sobs to the point where no one would notice.
"Malapit na mag isang oras... hindi ka pa aalis?" I asked her. There was a bitter smile on her face, as if being reminded that she had to leave is the worst thing in the world. She just nodded, sighing in resignation.
"Yeah, I do have to go. Basta alalahanin mo yung sinabi ko, ah?" I had to smile at that. One thing about this girl, it seems as if those few nights made her care for me, enough to remind me time and time again not to mess things up with my family.
Since that's the only problem I have these days.
"Opo, iintindihin ko na po ang pagka-overprotective nila!" I rolled my eyes but smiled, telling her I do mean it. She smiled back contently then stood up to leave.
As I watched her walk away, I realized how it was always me watching her leave and not the other way around. Oftentimes I leave people before they could leave me, but it seems as if with this girl, I have no problem being the one left behind.
Night 07
"Alam mo, nabasa ko somewhere na kapag na... deads daw tayo, magiging stars tayo," I started as soon as I sat down the bench. She doesn't need to know that that "somewhere" was social media.
"And you believe that?" She raised her eyebrow at me, and I so badly wanted to roll my eyes with how condescending she sounded.
"Sabi ko, nabasa ko! 'Di ko sinabing naniniwala ako," I snapped. I couldn't help but glare at her—especially when she just smiled and shook her head.
"Admit it, you were so amazed na malapit ka na maniwala doon." I kept my mouth shut and kept glaring at her. If I open it, I know I would stutter a denial and she'd know I'm lying.
What's wrong with believing theories of what would happen in the afterlife? It's not as if anyone knows. We believe what we want to believe because that's the only way we could stay sane trying to make sense of things bigger than us.
"Well, I believe we stay here once we die," She said that too quietly I almost had to lean in too closely to hear her. When my brain processed what she said, I had to hold back laughing nervously.
Sometimes she's creepy. With how careful she is with her words, sometimes they sound a bit too abnormal—words I don't usually here everyday. I may have no filter with my words... but hers seem to hold so much weight with how filtered they are.
"Bakit mo naman nasabi 'yan?" It took her a while to answer, and I was getting nervous. She wasn't looking at me the whole time, just staring straight ahead, which made things scarier.
She then turned to me.
"'Di ba may mga multo?" She said with a smile, and the light in her eyes told me she was being playful.
Which triggered my annoyance because she knows I'm too scared for my own good.
"Iiwan kita dito!" I can't help threaten her. She just laughed, it was a beautiful laugh. One I want to hear the whole hour we spend together.
"Pero, I do believe in souls trapped here on Earth. Kahit na natatakot ka pa." There was a less scary seriousness in her voice. "When my dad died, that thought comforted me so much, you know? Na kahit 'di ko na siya nakikita, nandito pa rin siya. Somewhere. Maybe beside me. At nakabantay siya sa mga oras na kailangan ko ng kasama..."
The wistfulness in her voice erased all the hints of fear within me. I don't wanna burst her bubble that I just couldn't fathom how that works—how we can't see people beside us.
It was how she's comforted. Who am I to shatter her comfort just so I could force my own beliefs to her?
"I never thought of it that way," I just said, offering a comforting smile.
"I don't know, maybe hindi naman talaga ganon. Who knows? Baka nga nagiging star talaga mga tao kapag nasa afterlife na." The smile was back on her face, but I know she's just pushing back the pain from the wounds reopened by thinking of her father.
"Baka nga... 'Pag ako namatay, gusto ko maging katulad ng Sun. Yung center of the universe levels," I joked—and she laughed, as expected. She bit her lip, as if stopping herself from saying something.
Which made me roll my eyes.
"Go on, say it," I said, which made her smile wider.
"First, center lang ng milky way yung araw... actually parang hindi pa nga eh. Basta hindi ng universe. Pero pwede ka pa rin naman maging center ng universe, 'di nga lang yung araw natin 'yon.
"Second, technically, yung mga nakikita nating stars sa langit, may possibility na they're dead already. Bago pa umabot satin yung liwanag, wala na, namatay na."
"Alam mo, 'di kita binara nung—"
"Pero science lang naman nagsabi non. 'Di pa rin naman natin nakikita talaga, 'di ba?" She cut me off, smiling widely as I know she knows what I was gonna say.
"Ewan ko sayo." I rolled my eyes. I can't help but adore how her eyes smiles with her mouth, how her face was so expressive you'd know what she's thinking with just a movement of her eyebrows.
"Ikaw? Anong gagawin mo 'pag namatay ka?" I heard my question right as I said it, making me glare at her before she could even answer.
I feel like we're so in sync in just a few nights, I could already predict the way she thinks.
"Ano pang magagawa ko eh kumikinang na lang ako?" she said teasingly. I rolled my eyes—I saw that response coming from a mile away.
"Ano nga?" I pressed on. She averted her eyes and stared somewhere as if thinking hard about it.
"If totoo na dito sa mundo natin ang afterlife, I think I would cry. Pero tears of joy. Kasi makikita ko pa rin tumanda mga mahal ko sa buhay. Sila Mama, Ate, mga Kuya ko, mga..."
"Huy? Bakit mo naman inassume na mauuna ka mamatay?" I said nervously, subtly roaming my eyes on her, trying to see hints of... something.
"Ano?" she asked, sincere confusion on her face.
"Sa words mo, parang una kang mamamatay," I repeated, staring at her earnestly, trying to decode her expressions.
We only knew each other a few nights, but I'd be deluded if I say I don't care about her.
"Ay sorry! Pagkaka-gets ko kasi, if namatay ngayon," she said nervously, seemingly embarrassed by her misinterpretation. I sighed in relief, comforted that we just misunderstood each other.
"Pinakaba mo 'ko!" I exclaimed.
"Sorry," she said sincerely with a laugh. "Anyway, I have to go."
I checked the time, and it's almost an hour since we were here. I nodded. Time flew by so fast.
I watched as she walked away, the same path again. For the first time, I wondered what life waits for her after our night talks.
Night 11
"'Wag ka masyadong tumawa, may kapalit 'yan," she told me as my laughter was dying down. I made sure to put on my best "weirded out" face as I raised my eyebrow at her.
"Naniniwala ka naman sa ganyan," I said, not even holding back my judgmental tone. Her smile didn't drop, instead she just shrugged.
"Wala namang mawawala kung maniwala," she said. That's where she's wrong—and it's not a matter of opinion. I stand by it. She's wrong.
"Actually, may mawawala. Oras mo na masaya ka, mawawala. Kasi imbis na sulitin mo yung minutong tumatawa, napapalitan ng takot na may masamang kapalit," I pointed out. My chest puffed out a bit when she didn't say anything, as if waving the white flag.
"Laging iniisip ng iba may kapalit ang happiness. Hindi lang nila tanggap na 'di puro saya lagi ang buhay," I continued.
Superstitions always irk me. I do respect why they exist, some socio-cultural thing, but it never fails to annoy me when they affect happiness. I hate when I see people I care about held back by their superstitions.
"Totoo naman," she said. "I guess I do understand though, that there's comfort in anticipating the drop before you actually drop. Para hindi ka nabibigla. Alam mo na agad kung paano malagpasan... o kaya, yung pwedeng gawin para malagpasan."
"Ang lungkot naman ng buhay kung gano'n. Nabubuhay ka para abangan lang yung mga negative na mangyayari. Bakit hindi mo abangan yung masasaya?"
"I don't know? Maybe because that's the only form of peace they know?" I felt the weight of her words. "I can tell that you're an optimistic person."
I smiled. I don't claim to be. But I also don't let the negativity and sadness linger too much.
After my accident, I realized life's too short to spend it on thinking about things that could hold me back. My time's too precious to be spent on crying over and over again over the same thing.
At any moment, everything could be taken away from me.
"I try to be."
"Well, that's good. At least one of us is."
There was silence between them. Then...
"I lost my memories, you know?" She looked shocked—who wouldn't? "Not all of them. Naalala ko pa naman pamilya ko, friends, yung childhood ko. Pero may mga tao na nakalimutan ko talaga. Yung isang tito ko, umiyak pa nung sinabi kong 'di ko siya naalala."
"That... sucks," she could only say, seemingly processing what I just said.
I smiled in understanding. That's exactly me. Until now. Processing the fact that I lost memories, experiences I once lived in—gone. No one knows if they'll even come back.
"Knowing na may mga alaalang nawala sakin, naiimagine ko na ang daming empty space sa utak ko," I confessed. It might sound ridiculous, but knowing I'm missing something has continuously weighed on me the moment I found out.
What if I missed something big?
"Kaya ginawa kong goal na ang ipalit lang sa empty spaces na 'yon, masasayang alaala. Pampalubag loob ba, sa mga alaalang nawala sa 'kin. At least masasaya yung pumalit sa kanila. Hindi lungkot."
"I love that," the smile she got from the woman was so wide. "Well, you might have just changed my perspective, then."
"Pwede na ko maging motivational speaker, no?" I joked, making the both of us laugh.
"Motivational speaker na medyo aggressive at sarcastic," she added. I laughed out loud, as admittedly, I am like that.
I was about to say something when she seemingly deflated, the laugh lines disappearing.
"Andyan na sundo mo," she said. I frowned at her, having no clue why she said that.
Sure enough, a car pulled up in front of us. Ate Cleo, my older sister, got out, her worried and panicked face confusing me.
"Bye, Drea," she said before Ate Cleo could even get near.
I looked back at her in confusion, wracking my brain on when I told her my name. I know I never told her my name. And she never told me hers.
That was our agreement.
How did she know my name?
"Kilala mo 'ko?" I asked, voice barely above a whisper.
I only got an apologetic smile. I didn't know if she was gonna answer me or not.
Ate Cleo pulled me from the bench, as if in a rush. I couldn't do anything but follow, trying to turn around to say goodbye.
"Sabi na andito ka. Kanina pa kita hinahanap! Bilis, Andrea." Everything happened so suddenly, my mind can't grasp the things.
"Wait, Ate. Paalam lang ako—" When Ate Cleo stopped enough for me to turn around, there was no one in the bench.
She left.
"Saan? Sa upuan?" Ate Cleo said sarcastically. I looked around, trying to see if I could catch her walking away, but it seemed as if the place was deserted.
"Drea, bilis. May hinahabol tayo." I finally let Ate Cleo lead me to the car, mind too preoccupied on making sense how she knew my name.
I didn't even get to ask Ate Cleo where we're going until I noticed the car turning to the hospital. Why are we going here? As far as I know, my follow up check ups wouldn't be until next month.
"Bakit tayo andito?" I could only stare as Ate Cleo sighed heavily, pursing her lips. It was a sign she was stressed—she always does that when the situation's quite serious.
When she parked the car, she turned to me, face hard.
"'Wag mo sasabihin kela Dad na pumunta tayo dito, okay? May bibisitahin tayo." She stared at me for a bit before getting out of the car, a sign for me to follow. As we were walking to the entrance, she spoke again.
"Hindi mo siya naaalala, yung bibisitahin natin—"
"Sabihin mo yung pangalan, baka naman naalala ko, Ate. Assuming ka naman agad," I cut her off.
"Kung naaalala mo siya, Dre, siya unang mong tatanungin nung nagising ka. Pero 'di mo siya nabanggit kahit isang bes..." She trailed off, eyes sad.
I already felt the gravity of the situation. Judging by her words, this person seems a bit too important to me.
"Bakit 'di niyo siya binanggit sa 'kin? 'Pag binabanggit niyo sakin yung mga nakalimutan ko, most of the time naman naalala ko sila kahit kaunti..."
"Ayaw nila Dad. Ayaw din ng Mama niya." Ate was not looking at me at all, but her voice was shaking as she spoke, letting me know she's on the verge of crying.
"Bakit?" I asked again. All this time, they've been hiding something from me.
I knew it. I was right.
"Siya yung kasama mo nung na-aksidente ka," Ate Cleo said bluntly. She stopped in a door, and I just knew we're here. This person.
"Nandito pa siya sa ospital?" I asked, staring at the door.
"Hindi na siya nagising." I looked at her in shock, there were tears in her eyes. "Ayoko rin sabihin 'to sayo. Ang totoo, agree ako kela Mama na 'wag na siya banggitin, pero iba 'yung dahilan ko. Alam kong pag naalala mo siya, at nakita mo kalagayan niya, masasaktan ka. Lalo na... lalo na ngayon."
"Napakadali paglaruan 'pag walang alam, no?" I said bitterly, hating how she was on board hiding this person for me. Why do they get to decide on my life? Why do they think I'm fucking incapable of thinking things through?
"Sasabihin ko sayo lahat, Dre, promise. Alam ko mahirap patawarin—"
"Buti alam mo!" I hissed. I was about to run away when she stopped me.
"Wait, teka. Teka. 'Wag ka umalis. Nakiusap sa 'kin yung Ate niya. Andyan siya sa loob ngayon, siya nagbabantay."
I wanted to know everything, but there's a part of me that's scared to open that door for some reason. I just know that once I enter that room, the happiness I've built for myself since the accident would shatter into pieces.
"'Di mo siya kilala ngayon pero... pero nakiusap Ate niya eh. Para kay Nic. Para na rin sayo. Alam kong mas magagalit ka kapag naalala mo na siya tapos hinayaan lang namin na... hindi mo siya makita pa kahit isang bes lang."
What does she mean?
"Tatanggalin na nila life support daw bukas. Wala na daw pag-asa sabi ng mga doktor eh." For some reason, tears filled my eyes.
What do you mean I'm just finding out tonight I wasn't alone at all in the accident? And that person's gonna die?
"Just thought you should know... before tayo pumasok." Ate Cleo squeezed my hand. She took advantage of my shocked form before knocking and opening the door.
I had no choice but to follow her. I could already taste the sadness in the room. My eyes landed on the vase of flowers, the uneaten food on the table. It was as homey as a hospital room could be.
Then someone from Ate Cleo's age greeted us.
"Hi... Thank you, Cleo. Drea..." She looked at me, as if waiting if I'd recognize her...
No.
"Oh, okay. I'm Nami. You can call me Nam. I'm... Nicole's sister. Thank you... pumunta ka." It seemed as if saying the name Nicole brought immense sadness to her, as her eyes immediately filled with tears.
"I... sorry po ah? Wala, 'di ko po talaga naaalala," was all I could say. The smile she gave me was heartbreaking, making me want to remember her and her sister desperately.
"No need to say sorry, wala ka naman kasalanan," she said.
She finally stepped out of the view, revealing the woman lying on the bed.
"Our Mom would be back in an hour... kaya we only have an hour..." Ate Nam said.
Ate Cleo pushed me a bit to walk nearer the bed. My eyes were trained on the unconscious woman who's supposed to be so important to me and as I got nearer, I finally saw her face.
No... it can't be. My heart dropped at the familiar face—maybe she just looks like her?
"Kilala ko siya?" I asked, my voice barely above whisper. I know this woman. I see her every night. By the bench. It's too impossible for her to be here... so suddenly... or after all?
Am I dreaming?
"Kilala mo siya." Ate Cleo confirmed.
"Hinde... paano..." I could barely form a coherent thought as I couldn't make sense of anything happening.
How could she be there and here at the same time?
Are they even one person? Maybe she just looks like her.
"You... you used to call her Nic or Bebe, which we find so funny kasi she's older than you..." Ate Nam chuckled.
"We figured she's one of the people you didn't remember 'cause you didn't mention her—"
"Hindi. Hindi ko po siya talaga kilala. Pero paanong andito siya... Ate, nakita mo siya kanina, 'di ba? Kasama ko, do'n sa bench. Andun siya. Siyang siya po 'yon." Ate Cleo looked at me with worried eyes.
"Dre, wala kang kasama sa bench kanina," Ate Cleo said softly, which just pissed the life out of me.
"Baka nakaalis na siya nung dumating—"
"Tanaw na kita malayo pa ako. Wala kang kasama sa bench, Drea." I looked at my sister longer, pleading her to take back her words.
How can she not be?! I was talking to her. For nights, every night, I was talking to her. And she's gonna tell me she's not real?
No. She's real. She has to be. She's not... she's not this person lying down on the hospital bed—
"Drea, I... I know you can't remember her. Pero, I can remember how much you love her... before. How much she loves you. I... I want to give my sister everything before we... can you say good bye to her?"
My tears badly want to fall, over some woman I don't even know. But I feel like I do, 'cause my heart clenches seeing her face. There were tons of tubes attached to her—she's far from the woman talking to me at that bench.
They have to be a different person. They have to be. Because this woman in front of me, dying, means she might not be there when I go back tomorrow.
I walked closer to the bed, my tears finally falling. I got a closer look, I could imagine her healthy, looking like the stranger that has been talking to me for nights.
But her dying... her dying means losing that stranger who laughed with me when I felt alone. Who was there when I needed a breather from my world.
"Nicole? Nic? Bebe?" I tested the word in my tongue. Why do I feel like there's a huge weight in my heart?
"Sana hindi ikaw yung kasama ko sa bench. Sana mali si Ate." My words were barely audible, but being near this... person... having the same face as the woman by the bench that I grew to care about, it's so heartbreaking to see her. And the thought of her...
"Pero kung... pero kung ikaw man 'yon. Kung ikaw 'man 'yon. Sana tama ka, na nandito pa rin tayo kahit wala na tayo... kasi imposible maging bituin tayo, namamatay sila, 'di ba? Kaya dito ka lang. Sa 'min. Sa tabi namin."
Who knew saying goodbye to a person I didn't know is gonna be this hard?
"Kung ikaw nga 'yan... andun ka pa rin ba bukas?" I paused, feeling crazy over waiting for a response. "I won't say goodbye. Parang tinapos mo na agad, nagsisimula pa lang para sa 'kin."
I pulled away. I wanted to curl up in my bed. For the first time, I accepted the anger and resentment over not remembering anything.
"Thank you, Drea." Ate Nam said. I nodded. I desperately tried to wipe away the tears but they just keep falling. "We... Mom said they're gonna do it by 9 tomorrow morning. Sorry for being selfish, Cleo, Drea. I just... my sister deserved to hear from you kahit last na."
Ate Cleo comforted Ate Nam, while I just barely listened to them. I focused on trying to remember Nic. At the very least, she deserves to be remembered.
Those empty spaces were you. Now I regret even thinking of replacing those spaces.
"We have to go, Drea." I woke up from my trance, with both Ate Cleo and Ate Nam looking at me.
"Thank you ulit, for coming," Ate Nam said kindly.
"Alis na agad tayo?" I couldn't help but ask, eyes pulled back to Nic.
The last time I might see her.
"Pabalik na si Tita eh." Ate Cleo held my hand to lead me to the door. I just followed, but my heart started racing.
For future me. For when I remember. I know I will. I'll put up a fight if I even have to.
I followed my instincts and turned around, going to Nic. I held her free hand tightly, body wanting desperately to hug her. But I can't, with all the tubes attached to her.
What more does her family feel?
"Sana maalala kita ulit, kahit alam kong magiging masakit sakin kasi wala ka na at huli na ang lahat. I won't fill up those empty spaces—they'll always be for you, bebe." I placed a kiss on her forehead, letting a few tears fall.
I wish things could be magical, that these could all be solved with a kiss. For a second I made myself hope, that with that one kiss she'll wake up. With that one kiss, I'll remember.
But this was reality.
She didn't wake up, and my memories didn't come back.
I took in her features once again.
Nicole. I repeated over and over again in my head, willing to remember her.
I walked out of the room without waiting for Ate Cleo, hatred growing stronger and stronger. How unfair everything was. That they hid her from me. They didn't let me spend time with her, even when she's unconscious. I could have been there. If we were really important to each other, even if she's unconscious, I could still talk to her... tell her comforting things...
The car ride back home was silent.
"Bakit ayaw sabihin nila Mama?" I asked, my voice hoarse from crying.
It took Ate Cleo a few seconds before answering.
"Nic was the one driving..."
"They blamed her?" She was silent.
"And her Mom?"
"You're here, Dre. She's not." Fuck. If that didn't feel like a dagger piercing through me.
Before I got out of the car, Ate Cleo attempted to talk to me again.
"Dre—"
"I could have been there by her side, Ate. Not just for one day. You had to take that away from her, didn't you? From me?" I exploded, shutting her up. She doesn't get a say on any of this. On my life.
I slammed the passenger door as hard as I could before going inside the house. I ignored our parents' greetings and went straight to my room.
It's impossible I don't have a picture of her. They should be somewhere. If she really was important to me, we would have a picture together.
Before I could completely overturn my room, there was a notification saying Ate Cleo shared a drive with me.
I saved all your pictures here before they could delete it. Sana mapatawad mo ko, Dre.
I clicked the link, and I was bombarded by all of Nic's selfies with me. Memories I couldn't remember, yet they're here. Right in front of me. Videos.
I played one. That's when the tears started falling.
I didn't wake up this morning thinking I'll be overcome with grief by the end of the day.
Night 12
I waited for hours.
She never came.