Chapter Text
This time.
It'll work this time.
And if it doesn't, we can just do it again.
No matter how many times we get hurt.
No matter how many times we fall.
No matter how many times I die.
I'll save you.
Just once.
I just need to save you once.
Cathy collapses into the shallow water, panting and sweating, releasing a guttural scream, the awful sound echoing throughout the area. She feels the groups of butterflies instantly flee her proximity, startled, in fear of her anger.
She failed again. It didn't work.
Mark…
He…
…a bright glow shines and fades in the corner of her eyes. She frowns as she turns towards the two of them.
“Go away.”
“Catherine-” Maria starts before Cathy cuts her off.
“I don't need your help,” Cathy says, her voice flat and cold, hoping the two of them would take a hint. “Neither of you. Just leave.”
“Miss Cathy, you need to stop this!” Jake cries. “This isn't right, it's not good! You're hurting yourself!”
“I'm fine.” Cathy replies in a grunt, avoiding eye contact with the both of them as she picks herself up. So what if there's a burning feeling in her chest? So what if her head feels like a ticking time bomb, ready to blow? So what if her entire body feels like it'll pop at the seams from the slightest wrong touch?!
She's completely fine! Not a scratch on her body, not a wound anywhere to be found!
She's okay! Ready to try again! Prepared to start over, as many times as she needed to, for what was ahead. Ready to do it all over, and over, and over!
“Besides, I don't see the two of you doing a better job.”
“What if he remembers?” Maria asks, and for a moment, Cathy froze.
“...Th-then good! Maybe he'll finally see what he's doing wrong.”
Mark would hate her. Keeping him imprisoned for so long, without him even knowing, just because of what she wanted.
Knowing it's all her fault.
It's all her fault all her fault all her fault all her fault
And there's nothing she can do now to change it. Nothing that will redeem everything she's done.
This is all she's got left.
Every chance is another she must take.
Cathy closes her eyes, and she hears Maria and Jake walk up, the splash of their footsteps slowly fading from earshot.
She raises her hand out forward.
She can see it so clearly in her mind.
Her yellow butterfly. The frantic fluttering of its wings.
It already knows who to find, where to go.
…
…there he is.
He's crying.
Mark is sitting down on a chair in the biology lab, his hair unkempt and messy, his face cast into emptiness, void of emotion. Scattered around him are Louise's notes; mad symbols and equations drawn in faded ink, nearly unreadable now.
The sound of clicking and cracking leads her eyes onto Louise herself. Not a trace of her usual beauty, grace nor intelligence could be found. Her hair was in the same horrid state, if not worse, than Mark's own hair. Her coat stained in unknown liquids, her dress showing signs of dust and grease. She fiddles with the tripod and laser pointer, her hands trembling as she continuously adjusts it, her fingers struggling to cling to any surface they touch, as she watches the laser produce no readings, no fluctuations, nor a single abnormalities action on the box in front.
“God damn it!”
She yells and instantly kicks over the entire set-up, attempting to further soothe herself as she digs her hands into her hair. Seems like that did absolutely nothing to help.
“It needs to work…there has to be something…”
…she won't need to worry much longer.
Just a little closer.
The butterfly slowly descends, slowing down its wings, getting closer and closer, until it finally rests upon Mark's hand peacefully.
…Mark finally moved. He tilted his head ever so slightly to look at the yellow butterfly on his hand.
Cathy held back her tears as she saw Mark's face, doing her best to ignore the sensation of the drops slowly rolling down her cheeks. It was like he was already dead. She did this to him, she caused this to happen.
She clenches her fist, causing an audible dry crack to echo throughout the space. The sound distorts around her, and everything goes dark.
It feels as though she's floating and flying away. Her body feels so light, so free.
And yet, Cathy knows that's not true. For her entire body is wracked in pain, in anguish, in guilt.
She needs to forget that for now.
Forget it, forget it,.. forget it.
She needs to focus.
One more try.
Cathy opens her eyes, the silence of her musty room greets her once again, the familiar foul scent of heavy dust. What little sunlight that entered through the grimey window next to her bed was weak. The paint on the walls were faded and cracking, the concrete underneath beginning to show.
She was pretty sure her room used to be red.
For a minute, she lies there, not wanting to get up. Not wanting to start. Not wanting to try.
…she gets up anyway.
Cathy hangs up her pyjamas and throws on her uniform, hoodie and headphones.
She pulls up the small mirror she has in her room, “admiring” her own reflection.
She made a peace sign and gave her widest smile.
It was in no way genuine. But she had to make sure no one else knew that for now. Fake it till you make it.
With a sigh, she takes her phone and picks up her backpack. As she enters her living room, she can hear her brother stirring his cup of coffee, as usual.
“They're still asleep.” Andrew said, and Cathy gave a nod.
“Can I get a sip?”
Andrew shrugged and passed her the cup. Cathy took a long sip of the coffee, feeling the caffeine calm her nerves down. She isn't exactly sure why it did that for her, but she didn't complain. It's been helping her throughout the endless cycles and loops so far.
“Gotta go.” Cathy passes the cup back to Andrew. She rushes out the door, sprinting as fast as she can for the station.
She could barely feel the heat of the sun on her skin as she dashed, barely feeling anything on her tanned skin as it shined onto her. It was liberating.
For a moment in the world, there was nothing but herself. Every breath she took, every step that hit the ground, every light brush of her hair against her face.
…and then it was over. Cathy has reached the station. And the guilt washed over her again. The pain rushed throughout her exhausted body, waiting for a point to drown a fragile, yet ambitious girl, the tears welled up in her eyes once again.
Hold it back, Cath. Keep the floodgates closed for now.
Don't let them know.
You're doing this for him.
For Mark.
…it seems like she's his project partner this time, including Louise. It feels like a lifetime ago when Cathy had grown that impossible crush on Louise.
Maybe she can try again this time around.
Not like it'd matter much.
Walking down the steps, she buys a ticket to Liamson. Same as usual. Scan it, walk through the gate, wait for the train.
She looks down at her phone. Scrolling through her contacts, which seems like forever. Mark’s offline.
Cathy already has the schedule down.
Mark doesn't start his way to school until she's already close by.
At that point, she needs to text him. They panic, reach school, and “make the slides”.
Only to get scolded in the end, watching as they recount the ‘incident’ to their fabulous Ridel.
Same as always.
Adapt to the changes. Don't alter too much. Stay in form and character.
And above all…
Save Mark.
This time.
It'll work this time.
She's not sure how much longer she can keep doing this.
Cath takes a deep breath as the train screeches to a halt in front of her.
Mark once told her talking to yourself helps to affirm it. She's had plenty of cycles to practise it.
She's sure it'll work, eventually.
Cath mumbles under her breath, the coldness of her breath only motivated her drive to keep going.
Alright, you can do this.