Work Text:
it wasn't something that i thought about, but knew that you were absolute in doubt.
he knew it. he knew he should've paid more attention. he knew something was up with the coward.
he knew, but he didn't believe it. he talked himself out of it. there was no way anyone would believe peter, the timid little outcast, was capable of such a devastating betrayal. that he was capable of killing his lifelong best friend.
but sirius knew. he didn't know why, he didn't know how, he just knew. he no longer felt safe when peter was around. thinking back, if he investigated, he could've exposed the boy for what he became. a traitor. a mole. no, not a mole at all.
a rat.
he wondered how they never saw it coming. he wondered why they never considered why his animagus was a rat. sirius and james' animal forms were obvious, anyone who knew could tell you that. but peter... nobody could explain that. nobody even thought to try.
i just really wanna talk to you again, that's how i know that imma haunt you in the end.
the night they locked sirius away in azkaban, he thought about killing peter. he thought about how he would do it, what seemed a fitting punishment for his crimes. he thought about everything his mother had ever done to him, thought of how cathartic it would be to repeat the worst of them on the man who single handedly ruined the lives of every person closest to him.
but then, he thought about why. why did he do it? what changed his allegiance? how long has he been on the other side? how could he?
he didn't want to kill peter so much anymore. at least, not without talking to him first. not without understanding where it all went wrong. he wanted to know. he needed to know. he, above all, deserved to know how one of few people he truly loved was capable of destroying everything.
and he would stop at nothing to finally find his answers. even in death, he swore he'd find them somehow.
it wasn't something till you brought it up, i knew that you would try to make it out without a single scar, clawing at my heart. i saw you in his car, swear i knew it from the start.
sirius honestly didn't even consider peter until he heard how much he talked about the traitor. he was constantly on guard, constantly pointing fingers, constantly throwing his friends under the bus, constantly trying to convince people of what he suspected. these were easy to brush off as 'this is war' or 'oh that's just how pete is'. because it was true.
but he told different people different things. he told sirius it was remus, and vice versa, trying to convince them to tear themselves apart. he told james it was remus, lily it was sirius. he was so obviously trying to divide everyone around him. how did we not see it?
sirius, in hindsight, noticed that peter had developed a new habit. he left things unsaid. he wouldn't answer questions that he knew could expose him, always diverted the attention to someone else. though he was typically considered the quite one, he always had a hard time keeping his thoughts to himself. even if no one was around to hear, he'd say everything out loud.
his biggest desire was getting through this war unscathed. he often hid in germany, claiming his mother was sick, instead of pulling his weight in the war. he refused to face any combat. he always elected to work as a healer or a lookout or a distraction. he wasn't the best healer, did fairly decent as a lookout but sometimes failed to alert others of incoming attackers. he was always good at distractions. they were his strong suit, really, even in school. he'd always been best with explosions. how did i not see it?
he played them. sirius wondered if he had been playing them from the start, from their first day at hogwarts. if he was always rotten at heart, but hid it behind the mask of james potter. james protected him when he was too weak to protect himself. james even protected him once he learned to hold his own, it was just his nature. was peter simply taking advantage of him all this time? of all of them?
he vaguely remembered a few instances when peter was forced to enter the battlefield and miraculously returned unharmed while his counterparts wound up in st mungos for days. he thought maybe peter hid when curses started flying. it was clear now that that was not the case. the death eaters wouldn't harm their main asset in this war. they stood no chance without him.
the pieces were there if one looked enough. and sirius did look enough. he just couldn't believe it. he refused. and nobody would blame him for it, they wouldn't have believed him either.
break me down, it's not that easy. lay me down, just please don't leave me. i remember you were climbing on top of me, why you actin like you fucking forgot me?
it took a lot to break sirius black. peter learned this at a young age, they all did. there were exactly two people that could easily tear sirius into shreds in seconds if they wanted, remus lupin and walburga black.
it also took a lot for sirius to love. but when he did love someone, it took so much more to stop. sirius loved harder than anyone peter had ever known. though he would never admit it, sirius still held peter in the smallest fragment of his shattered heart. because, even though he did the worst thing anyone could've done, he was still such a good friend. sirius was afraid this microscopic bit of love would never leave him.
he remembered all the times wormtail would scamper around with them. the full moons they'd spent together, the drunken nights where a rat and a dog would stumble around the room 'to see how animals feel when drunk', the games played with little harry.
he wondered if peter ever thought of that anymore. if he reminisced over who he was before. if he ever regretted what he had done.
sirius thought telling snape about the whomping willow would be the worst thing to happen to the group. he thought that immature, despicable 'prank' would've shown the four boys that they were best together. he thought peter knew better. clearly, the traitorous lump had forgotten that, too.
or maybe not. maybe he used that to his advantage.
remus sure did.
sirius started to think that idea was planted early on. he started to wonder if he, too, was targeted, or if peter would've framed remus just as easily had things been different that night.
he concluded that, yes, he was targeted. remus was too rational under stress, he wouldn't have left harry to chase the sorry sod. he knew sirius would want revenge for the death of his soul, he knew sirius would never let him get away. he knew sirius would be the perfect target.
knowing that he was hand selected for the most devastating role in this devious plot made him sick. he trusted peter with his life. peter should've known better.
sirius should've known better.
it wasn't something that i thought about, but knew that you were absolute in doubt. i just really wanna talk to you again, that's how i know that imma haunt you in the end.