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Jay knew all along that this plan was terrible, but he didn’t truly grasp how bad it was until they were in the seats, Matt eating burgers in a sick daze.
And now two other guys are kissing on the jumbotron, stealing any sort of thunder they might’ve had. Good for those guys. Bad for Matt and Jay.
Jay scopes out the crowd for their reaction. “Matt, no one’s puking.”
Matt is a little hunched over. He looks up at the jumbotron to see what Jay’s talking about, but by the time he sees it clearly, the camera’s on him and Jay.
“We’re on,” Jay says, locking eyes with Matt. He grabs his face and pulls him in for… less of a kiss and more like lips smashing together in violent panic. It’s over in a flash.
Right on time for them both to register what happened, Matt throws up.
The crowd roars with disgust. For a moment, it seems like the “make everyone puke” plan could’ve gone through, but it doesn’t. No puke, just a bunch of booing and gawking, closing in on Matt and Jay, almost choking them.
“Shit, shit, shit,” Matt mumbles, wiping a bit of vomit from his chin. The booing bounces off the walls.
Jay pulls him up. “C’mon, let’s get out of here.”
The next few minutes are a blur for both of them, as Jay walks a bleary-eyed Matt out of the stadium with Matt’s arm over his shoulder, getting pushed out faster by security. The lights feel brighter, somehow.
They both let out a sigh of relief when they work out the doors. The sky is dark blue and dotted with stars, and they all seem to shine on Matt’s nauseous face. At least that’s how it seems to Jay.
He looks around for a place to go and sees a bench a short way away. He sets Matt down before sitting down beside him.
“Hey. Are you okay?”
Matt clears his throat. “You kissed me.”
“That’s what you focus on? You just threw up in front of a whole crowd of people.”
“I know…”
“I think we should go home and we can play some GoldenEye or something. That sound good?”
“Yeah, but let’s… sit here for a moment. My stomach still hurts.”
And so they do. Matt tries to keep his head up and look at the city lights—anything to distract him from today. It seems Jay is trying to do the same, but he keeps stealing glances at Matt that might be concern, or might be affection, or might just be him trying to say “I told you this was a bad idea” with his eyes.
🏒🏒🏒
They both collapse on the couch. They’re a bit giddy from running down the street, Matt joking that he was gonna give Jay a real kiss this time. It’s all in good fun.
Matt lets out a sigh like he’s lifting the weight of the day off his shoulders. “We’ve had plans that failed before but…that was another level.”
“I told you not to eat so many burgers.”
“I had a good reason!”
Matt holds the dramatic silence. Jay raises an eyebrow.
“The burgers were magic.”
Jay laughs, turning his head away. “The burgers were not magic.”
“They were! I wished for you to come and apologize, and you did, then I wished we could go back to the original plan, and you said we’d go back to the original plan—”
“That has nothing to do with the burgers.”
“But every time I wished for something, it came true!”
Jay doesn’t have a good comeback for that. He leans on the arm of the couch.
“If I didn’t eat all those burgers, I think it would’ve worked,” Matt says with enough confidence to maybe convince someone else that the plan was really solid actually.
“I don’t.”
“Why not?”
“A crowd won’t puke enough to make it on the news, you’re acting like it’d be a whole tidal wave of puke. Also it’s 2017 and no one cares if two guys kiss anymore. Even if those two guys didn’t kiss before us, it—”
“Those two guys?”
“Yeah, you didn’t see the other two guys kissing up there?”
“I wasn’t paying attention, dude, I… did anyone puke?”
“No? Well, you did.”
Matt stares blankly. “Wait, why'd you still kiss me if you knew no one was gonna puke about it?”
“Everyone was watching us! I panicked!”
Matt pauses as he tries to think of a comeback, but ends up wishing he could’ve done better, been more present in the moment. He imagines kissing Jay first, being the one holding his face, feeling Jay’s lips against his…
His stomach turns again.
“What if they threw me out for being homophobic?”
Jay looks at Matt incredulously. The silence drags on a bit too long.
“What? Matt, you’re not homophobic.”
“Then what was that? You kiss me and I throw up, I vomit?”
“Because you ate a bunch of burgers. If I didn’t kiss you, you would’ve thrown up anyway.”
“No, I think I’m like, actually homophobic. Like I’ve secretly been homophobic this whole time. And I didn’t even know. Are you hearing this?”
“If you were homophobic, you wouldn’t suggest kissing me in front of a crowd of people. We could’ve done anything else.”
Matt freezes. “The Rivoli.”
“What?”
“They’re not gonna let us in after this, oh shit.” Matt gets up and makes a beeline for the whiteboard. “I made myself look. Like an IDIOT. And it looks like I’m… NOT chill. With gay people. They’re not gonna let us in ‘cause they’re gonna be all like ‘oh, you’re the guy who puked all over the place after his friend kissed him, fucking homophobe, we don’t want you here.’”
“That’s not gonna happen.”
“We gotta do something about this… I got it.” Matt starts writing. “We can go to the Rivoli, we gotta do this fast before everyone hears about the puke thing. We go in, and we pretend to be a couple. ‘Cause you can’t be gay and homophobic at the same time, right?”
“I think you can, I’ve heard of—”
“Nah, that’s stupid.” Matt spaces out for a moment, swishing the marker back and forth in the air. “Maybe. We can. Try to use this to book a show. We can act super gay in front of the Rivoli people, and try to book a show, and when they say no, we can turn it around and be like, ‘Oh, you’re not—you’re not gonna book us? Do you hate gay people or something? Because we’re—we’re gonna sue you, if you don’t let us in just because we’re gay, that’s discrimination, you’re gonna get sued.’”
The whiteboard reads as follows:
1. Go on a date at the Rivoli
2. Convince the Rivoli staff we’re gay
3. Try to book a show
4. Homophobia?
Matt nods at the board. “I think this can really work, I think we should do this.”
“I don’t know if we’ll make a convincing couple, though.”
“Why not?”
“Because we don’t do that kind of thing with each other—we don’t act like that with each other.”
“Eh, we kinda—”
“I mean kissing.”
“Yeah, yeah, I get it.”
“Maybe we should… practice first?”
Matt turns his head fast, eyes comically wide. “Dude, earlier today you were like, you joined an improv class so you wouldn’t have to kiss me. What happened?”
“Nothing! Nothing.”
Matt rushes back to the couch and sits down. His whole body faces Jay. “Would you actually be okay with that?”
“I mean, I tried to do it earlier, but I did a pretty bad job.”
“Maybe I can try this time?”
“Go for it.”
Matt grabs Jay’s face and pushes their mouths together. It’s only maybe slightly better than the one back at the game, but hey, at least Matt is in the moment. Even if he’s not sure he’s doing.
“Matt,” Jay says as he pulls away, “that was terrible. You don’t know how to do this at all, have you kissed anyone before?” He’s grinning like a goofball despite the bitterness of his words.
Matt’s smile drops. “Well, how would you do it?”
“Okay, stop trying to open your mouth, stop smiling so much,” —he reaches out to hold Matt’s head and adjust its position— “and tilt your head a little bit, your nose keeps bumping into mine.”
“Stop smiling so much? Why?”
“It makes it weird! It’s weird, it’s uncomfortable.”
“Are you saying I’m a bad kisser?”
“You… could be better.”
“Okay, let’s keep going.”
“Let me try. Relax your mouth a bit.”
Jay takes hold of Matt’s face and pulls him in.
It’s gentle. No stadium chatter, no panic from Jay, no complete incompetence from Matt. It’s a bit awkward and the nose-bumping problem hasn’t entirely been solved, but it’s about as comfortable as a slow kiss with your best friend can be. Very comfortable. Surprisingly so. No way Jay from this morning would believe you if you said he’d be doing this tonight. Or ever.
Matt grabs him by the shoulders and pulls him closer, bunching up the fabric of his hockey jersey. Jay hugs him in turn, and they hold each other, not bothering to deepen the kiss and instead smiling softly against each other.
They both pull back and look each other in the eyes, and the reality of the situation hits them. Real slow-motion glass shattering. Eye contact being completely avoided now. It’s all too much.
Jay clears his throat. “So are we going on that… date? Tonight?”
“Yeah, yeah… wait. We should do this like an actual date.”
“What do you mean?”
Matt gets up. “You stay here for a bit, I get ready and go, and then we can meet at the Rivoli at…say 10:30?”
Jay doesn’t see the point, but feels like Matt is planning something and he wants to see what it is. He shrugs. “Okay.”
🏒🏒🏒
The night is a bit darker and a bit colder than before when Jay steps out. He walks swiftly to the Rivoli, the night air cooling his face as he goes. He doesn’t see Matt outside when he reaches the place, so he heads inside and hopes for the best.
The Rivoli is busy. Some indie rock band is playing an upbeat summer vibes song that brings an air of delight to the place. The song is decorated by plates and drinks clinking on tables. People talk amicably among themselves.
“Bird!”
Jay snaps out of his people-watching and turns to see Matt running to him.
“Come on, I already got our order.” Matt takes Jay’s hand and guides him to their table, making a “ta-da!” gesture towards the food once they arrive. Jay wasn’t all that hungry, so he’s relieved to see Matt didn’t go all out. He only got one thing: a bowl of cinnamon doughnut bites with chocolate dip on the side.
A wave of awareness strikes Jay, seeing the doughnut bites, Matt, the Rivoli around them… something about it warms his heart, feels right. He knows what it is. He doesn’t want to say it yet.
“Thank you.”
He leans in and gives Matt a quick peck on the forehead, and Matt tries (and fails) to hide how much it makes him smile.
“After you, my good sir,” Matt says with a theatrical flair, and Jay takes his seat.
“So I guess we can eat right away.”
“Yeah.” Matt is already putting one of the doughnuts into his mouth.
“You know the point of going on a date at a restaurant is being able to talk before the food gets here, right?”
Matt freezes mid-chew. “Shit.”
Jay bites back a laugh. “It’s okay!” He puts his hand up in a reassuring motion. “You know, this one time I was on a date at this really fancy restaurant. It took an hour for us to get our food. We ran out of things to talk about way before then.”
“Good thing we have a lot to talk about.”
“Well… no. Because the point is to get to know someone, and I know everything about you at this point.”
Awkward silence.
Their hands touch when they both reach in at the same time, and Jay wonders if Matt got the doughnut bowl specifically to make that happen.
“Do you really think this plan is gonna work?”
“I don’t see why it wouldn’t.”
“I don’t think we’re gonna get a show for acting gay.”
“Why not?”
“I don’t think that’s how it works.”
“That’s where the blackmail part comes in. We try suing them.”
“But then they’ll never have us here again, they definitely aren’t gonna let us in after we sue them.”
“But they’ll have to. That’s what we’ll get in the uh… the court settlement.”
Jay’s only response is a skeptical look before going back to eating.
🏒🏒🏒
The bowl is empty.
“We gotta be careful about this,” Matt says. “Think we went gay enough?”
“I don’t think anyone was watching us.”
“Kiss for good luck?”
Jay thinks for a moment. “No.”
They approach the front. Two men approaching a restaurant’s front desk with all the intensity of two men going to fight God. The world rests in the balance, except no it doesn’t.
“Let me do the talking here,” Matt says before turning to the man at the desk. “Hey, we’re trying to uh, book a show here.”
The man looks up at them. “Okay, you two do music together?”
“Oh yeah. And more. A lot more.” Matt holds Jay’s shoulder and leans into him. Jay gives him a scolding look.
“Alright then, what time would be good for you?”
Matt and Jay look at each other with raised eyebrows.
“Fuck, we didn’t think that far,” Matt whispers.
The man pulls up something on the computer. “Would tomorrow at 7pm be a good time for you?”
“Yeah, that works!”
“Great! What’s the name of your band?”
“Nirvanna the Band.”
The man pulls out a pencil.
“It’s N-I-R-V-A-N-N-A.”
The man writes it down, correctly, and looks back up at the two. “We’ll be happy to have you here.”
“Okay, later!”
“Have a good one!”
Matt and Jay walk out of the Rivoli, cool night air hitting once more. It’s quiet. Not too quiet. The big goofy smiles they’re giving each other say it all.
“Dude, what the fuck was that! We got in!” Matt yells.
“Yeah!”
“It was that easy the whole time they just let gay people perform and they don’t have to do anything!”
“I’m thinking maybe we could’ve gone in and asked this whole time and it would’ve worked!”
“No it was definitely the gay thing they just love gay people!”
A pause, and then they’re hugging each other, holding on as if their lives depend on it. They laugh with their eyes squeezed shut and they twirl around, and for a brief moment, Jay lifts Matt a bit off the ground. For a longer moment, Jay kisses him again. It’s passionate and full of gratitude, expressing all the love he’s ever felt in this friendship. It’s forceful but comfortable, and it makes Matt’s head spin faster than ever before. And then it’s over, ruined by both of them smiling too wide to keep their lips connected, and Jay is back to giggling with his forehead pressed against Matt’s.
“Bird?”
Jay stops giggling, his eyes sparkling.
“I wanna date you for real.”
“What?! Really?”
“Yeah man, why do you think I wanted to kiss you so bad?”
Pause. Jay has many questions. Let’s start with…
“But you said you thought you were homophobic?”
“Did you actually believe that?”
“I believe you’d think that.”
“Dude, I made that up. I lied. I couldn’t think of another way to get the ball rolling here.”
“Let me guess. You got the show booked in advance too.”
“No I didn’t. I swear I didn’t. But I did get the doughnut bowl so our hands could touch.”
“I knew it.”
Matt notices the outside of the Rivoli is oddly empty compared to the inside. “So what now? I don’t expect you to say anything, but I was thinking earlier I should stop trying to keep secrets from you, and this is probably the biggest secret I have.”
“Matt, I know I reacted…badly to the idea of kissing you, at first, but after the improv class, I took a bit of time to think about it and…I realized it actually sounded pretty nice. I still wish we didn’t try it in front of a whole stadium, and I wish you didn’t throw up, but—”
“Holy shit, is this happening right now?”
“What?”
“You have like… a thing for me?”
“Yeah, I do…”
Matt pumps his fist in the air. “I was right! The burgers are magic!”
“I—Matt, what do the burgers have to do with any of this?!”
“I wished you’d kiss me, I wished we’d get a show, I wished you’d go on a date with me and afterwards confess your huge gay feelings for me that I didn’t even know you had, and all of that happened. Magic. Burgers.”
“You wished that—that I’d go on a date with you? And admit to… that? Wait, hold on. I thought you came up with the kissing plan out of nowhere.”
“Kind of? I saw an opportunity and took it.”
“So I told you we were only gonna stick to one plan and—”
“Yep.”
“You’re the worst.”
“But you love me.”
“I do. I really do.”
Matt’s smug look falters a bit in favor of something more genuine-looking. “Did you like, actually realize you liked me because you thought about kissing me?”
“I didn’t think about it before then, but… I don’t know, I like you a lot, and I liked kissing you, and I liked this date, and we’re already kind of a couple anyway.”
“So we’re dating now?”
“We went on a date.”
A pause.
“Yes,” Jay elaborates.
“This is the best day of my life.”
“You threw up in front of a whole stadium earlier.”
“Doesn’t matter. Best day of my life.”
A sudden wind hits them both, making them shiver. “We should probably get home.”
“Wait. I’ll race you home. And if I catch you then I get to kiss you as many times as I want.”
“Deal.”
“I’ll give you a head start!”
Jay runs off, and a moment later, Matt follows close behind, the sound of footsteps acting as the bassline to their laughter.