Chapter Text
Future Criminals Club
Larry Butz: Why is Fuyuhiko hiding in the bushes like a bad detective?
Larry Butz: [Photo: the top of a blond head covered in cherry blossom leaves, angry furrowed eyebrows glaring at the camera]
Yakuza 0: Don’t blow my cover asshole!
Street Fighter: Why you creepin?
Guitar Hero: Ooooo are you having another knife fight with Mondo? I wanna join this time!!
Amulet Spade: I’m still wondering how Go Fish turned into you losing your eye
Yakuza 0: Because the bastard plays cheap and dirty and I wasn’t gonna stand for that
Street Fighter: So you’re waiting to jump him and what? Steal his kidney?
Yakuza 0: I’m not lookin for Oowada! I’m lookin for my sister
Larry Butz: Did she put glue in your shampoo again? Does she have pictures
Yakuza 0: I’m gonna glue your lips shut ya fuckin pest. Get away from my bush!
Amulet Spade: If you want to talk to her why are you hiding?
Yakuza 0: I don’t want to Talk to her. I’m trying to see who’s she with
Samus Aran: This conversation is making me stupid. Peko-chan can you please tell us what your dumb master is talking about
Yakuza 0: DON'T CALL ME THAT WE DON'T DO THAT ANYMORE
Samus Aran: Gross
Yakuza 0: I’m going to hit you with a bat
Steel Samurai: No you’re not
Yakuza 0: I’m going to think about hitting you with a bat
Steel Samurai: Fuyuhiko is frustrated because Natsumi seems to be harboring a secret lover and won’t tell him about it
Amulet Spade: SHE HAS A BOYFRIEND ALREADY?? THE WELCOME CEREMONY WAS LAST WEEK
Larry Butz: How do I learn to move that fast?
Yakuza 0: It’s not just some random she white knuckles into carrying her bags. All spring break while she was waiting for the raffle results she was constantly on her phone, laughing and shit. I heard her on call the night she got accepted and she said “I can’t wait to see you” or some shit
Street Fighter: Daaaaamn a long term guy then
Amulet Spade: Who was also lucky enough to get selected for the reserve course program! It’s fate!
Yakuza 0: It sure as hell is not!
Yakuza 0: You can’t just date my sister without meeting the family! That punk has no respect
Amulet Spade: ~You come to me on the day of my sister’s entrance ceremony, asking for a favor~
Larry Butz: Pfttttt
Yakuza 0: Eat shit both of you
Mia Fey: Hey hey
Mia Fey: Don’t you have a friend in the reserve course Mahiru?
Lotta Hart: ….. remember when Nekomaru had that talk about keeping inside thoughts on the inside
Yakuza 0: YOU WHAT
Yakuza 0: INFORMATION NOW
Lotta Hart: Don’t raise your voice at me!
Lotta Hart: Sato never mentioned Natsumi getting a boyfriend, which is totally something she’d tell me about. The two of them are finally acting civil after all these years but I don’t think they’re that close
Lotta Hart: And even if I did know I’m not about to open old wounds by prying into her personal life! Grow a backbone and ask her yourself!
Yakuza 0: What part of she won’t tell me anything did you miss?
Lotta Hart: The part where you actually asked her instead of listening at her door like a weirdo
Guitar Hero: Ok ok Ibuki can figure this out
Guitar Hero: Tomorrow I’ll dress up like that big tree in the middle of the reserve course courtyard and keep an eye on any couples that come strolling along to share a smooch before class!
Amulet Spade: You’d have to dye your hair green in order not to be seen from space. There’s no way that’ll work
Amulet Spade: You’re gonna need a bodysuit
Agent 47: Stop.
Guitar Hero: But Fuyuhiko needs his spy army!
Agent 47: Why are you dragging the rest of us into this?
Guitar Hero: Because!
Agent 47: Compelling argument
Guitar Hero: When class 76 dropped out that put us at the top of the food chain! And it’s our job to terrorize the younger classes! It’s tradition!
Agent 47: So a few things on that. Number one, it’s not dropping out if they had enough credits to graduate, which they did. Number two, back in high school the older students acted as mentors not bullies. Lastly, Natsumi isn’t that much younger than us, and she’s more or less on the same credit level. She’s just transferring schools.
Guitar Hero: Well when you put it like that it sounds way less fun
Lotta Hart: Anyway, not that this wasn’t a stimulating conversation, but I’m hungry. Should we go off campus for lunch today?
Samus Aran: Finally! The first good idea anyone has had all day. We should try that burger place that serves ice cream sundaes as big as your head!
Surgeon Simulator: That’s so much sugar (＞人＜;) what about the nice smoothie shop that has those cute keychains in the windows you liked?
Samus Aran: Mikan
Samus Aran: Are you calling me
Samus Aran: Fat?
Surgeon Simulator: What?! No! Never!
Samus Aran: Do you know how many calories I burn during an average performance? Do you know how much I sweat under those lights? How badly I stink in my kimono?!
Larry Butz: We didn’t need to hear all that
Samus Aran: So if I want a goddamn ice cream sundae I’m gonna have one! Got it!!
Surgeon Simulator: Y-yes of course I’m so sorry!!!
Lotta Hart: I could go for a smoothie
Samus Aran: Oh then let’s totally go to the smoothie place with the cute keychains!
Amulet Spade: Every day I thank the stars above I am not subjected to the toxic hostility that is female friendships
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Lotta Hart: So you’re going to think I’m lying
Lotta Hart: But I think I see Natsumi here on a date with her boyfriend
Yakuza 0: W H A T
Guitar Hero: I knew I should’ve gone to lunch with you noooooo I’m missing it!!!!
Yakuza 0: Report. Now.
Lotta Hart: Watch Your Tone
Lotta Hart: We’re across the room and there’s this giant pole with string lights all around it so I can’t see who’s across from her. Buts it’s definitely Natsumi and she’s laughing and twirling her hair. They keep passing a phone back and forth so I don’t know if it’s a game or they’re typing stuff they can’t say out loud
Lotta Hart: But she’s looking. Very much like she’s on a date
Samus Aran: She’s wearing glitter on her cheeks of course she’s on a fucking date. Nobody gets that glammed up to go to a smoothie shop unless she’s trying to impress someone
Surgeon Simulator: I think she looks pretty…
Yakuza 0: Can one of you get up and Look jesus
Lotta Hart: Hey! You’re lucky I shared this much. I’m not gonna get caught spying and have her fill my camera bag with maggots. Again
Steel Samurai: They were caterpillar larva
Lotta Hart: Thank you for the terrible reminder Peko
Samus Aran: I’m not doing it either
Samus Aran: Mikan! Go throw your smoothie away and snap a picture of the two of them
Surgeon Simulator: Ehh? But I’m not finished with it yet. And the floors were just mopped. And I think one of my sandal steps is loose…
Street Fighter: How do you get out of bed in the morning girl
Surgeon Simulator: Very bravely! (◞‸◟)
Guitar Hero: Oh oh I know! The charm displays are at the front of the store all along the windows. Just pretend to look at them and slowly inch your way towards them
Amulet Spade: Or just walk outside and pretend to take a phone call and walk to their side of the building and peek in through the window
Agent 47: I feel like I’m watching a point and click escape room happen in real time
Surgeon Simulator: She’s getting up!
Lotta Hart: Now she’s looking at the keychain wall. I can’t see what she’s grabbing
Samus Aran: It’s an ice cream
Surgeon Simulator: You can see that far away?
Samus Aran: I’m using the zoom on my camera duh
Samus Aran: She’s got three different kinds, strawberry, mint chip and….orange creamsicle I think
Samus Aran: She’s moving to the register
Amulet Spade: Now's your chance! Walk by the table and see who she's with!
Lotta Hart: No way! She’ll catch us for sure. Besides it looks like they’re getting ready to leave so we’ll catch them on the way out
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Amulet Spade: Narrator voice: they did not catch them on the way out
Guitar Hero: I can’t believe I missed a once in a lifetime opportunity to watch a lid fly off of a blender. Do you know how utterly rare that happens in real life?
Samus Aran: I’m just glad nothing got on me. Can’t say the same for Nurse Sticky
Guitar Hero: Oh no! Are you okay Miki?
Surgeon Simulator: There’s banana up my nose. I can’t smell anything else (＞人＜;)
Lotta Hart: The whole place cleared out for cleaning. They made us wait in the back so they could get the water hose
Samus Aran: Which someone got tangled up in. Somehow. Again
Surgeon Simulator: I told you my sandal strap was loose!
Lotta Hart: Anyway by the time Mikan dried, Natsumi and her mystery man were long gone
Yakuza 0: If you had just looked when I told you!
Lotta Hart: I’m not your secretary! Man up and get the information yourself or shut up about it.
Guitar Hero: I’m ordering that body suit
Agent 47: No!