Chapter Text
Tim has been in a state of flux since he broke up with Lucy, asking her on a date had been the hardest thing he’s ever done up until the moment he ended them.
Being with her had felt so right, well after the initial awkwardness, the first date, not knowing what to talk about, after the dress code debacle. Worrying about being seen by someone from the station. Most people had thought they were together anyway.
The first night they slept together, the awkward embarrassment, he never usually felt self conscious on a first night, but they knew each other so well, it had caused some blushes and giggling, no need to worry though because of course they were amazing together.
He hadn't realized how hurt he would be after their first fight, they bicker so much honestly, Lucy had even joked that it was one of their love languages, but a real fight isn't like bickering, things are said that shouldn't be and hearts are hurt.
He hasn't cried much since Isabel, not even when things with Rachel didn't work out and he had wanted to try at the time. But that first fight with Lucy, the first time he left her in the parking lot, that made him cry.
That parking lot has a lot to answer for, it’s where it all started, it’s where he has been at his happiest and ultimately also his saddest. How did he just throw it all away like yesterday's trash?
He’s walking Kojo, head down to avoid the Christmas cheer that seems to have overtaken every store, every house, every street. The couples hand in hand that wish him merry Christmas make his skin bristle, he doesn't acknowledge them just keeps walking.
Before he realizes it he is standing outside her apartment block, he hadn't walked that way, had he? Not consciously, Kojo could have led him there, he knows the route, has walked it many times. “Did you walk me to Mama’s house? You know that’s not going to earn you a treat right”? He sighs.
He looks up expecting to see her tree lit up in the window, for the last few years he has become accustomed to her love of all things holiday related, her constant chatter about, decorations, gift giving and spending time with people you love. But it's mid December and her window is bare, no tree, no lights, no paper snowflakes cut out and taped to the glass.
A tear has found it’s way onto his cheek as he stands staring up, he wipes it away. “Hey come on you, let’s go get some cocoa before we get arrested for loitering”, He tugs Kojo’s leash. The dog looks up at him but doesn't budge. “So stubborn, just like your Mom, I can't Koj, not tonight buddy I have therapy in a couple of hours”. Kojo seems to huff making Tim grin partially, “You can't tell her I was here ok, she’ll think I’m stalking her”.
He heats some milk and pours it over a large chunk of dark, bitter chocolate and hugs the mug in both hands, puts on the TV and has his tablet to hand ready for his online therapy session. Kojo lies at his feet waiting for the empty cup he likes to sample the cocoa too, much to Tim’s chagrin.
Lucy had allowed this the first time, Tim had ewwwwed, as Kojo’s tongue had slurped it’s way around her cup as she held it for him cooing. “Oh sweet boy is that good cocoa, yes it is”. Tim had berated her for letting him, saying he would never drink out of that mug again.
Lucy had chuckled adorably reminding him that the dog licked his face all the time, so what was the difference? She had a point, she always saw things differently to him. His tablet buzzes as his therapist readies for the last appointment before Christmas and Tim swipes to welcome her.
“Hi Tim, oh I see you have Kojo with you”. She beams, Olivia Marshall has been his therapist since London became a wanted criminal, an older lady, early 50s maybe, ex-military hard as nails until it came to his furbaby.
“Yeah, he’s just walked me halfway around LA haven't you buddy”? He simply lifts his ear.
“Even he’s too tired to talk”. He pats his head.
“You look sad Tim, contemplative, has something happened”?
He shakes his head softly, “Just...Christmas, you know, the happiest time of the year right”?
“Fuck off Tim”. She gaffaws, “Only for the under 14s after that Christmas is a shitshow and you know it”. He allows a low laugh as he gets comfortable ready for his hour long session. “So you got plans Timothy”?
“Plans”? He asks, has his mind drifted again? Was there a topic he’s missed?
“Are you spending the holidays with family Tim? Or loved ones? Or just you, your dog and that damn gunsafe”? She is always to the point, blunt, honest. “And don't lie to me”.
“I haven't had those thoughts for a while”, He says softly.
She shakes her head “Santa won't come if you lie to me Timothy, look… I’ve been where you are, I wasn't always this delectable dish you see before you”, she teases. “Holidays bring a funk Tim, cause…. Feelings, and we both know you are not great with feelings so be honest, how many times have you opened the safe”?
He sighs, runs his hand through his hair and looks up at his ceiling “Once, once or twice”. He whispers “but the gun stayed where it was I swear, I didn't touch it”. He says a bit louder.
“Better, ok that's progress I guess, so plans”? She repeats.
“Genny, my...um sister has invited me, also Angela and her family”. He frowns.
“Best friend, Angela”?
“Yep, she’s the only one I know”. He states swinging his leg onto the couch. “You know I don't believe in Santa right”?
“Sssh, I won’t tell him you said that, he’s one of my best paying clients this time of year”. She mocks offense. “I mean can you imagine having his job? All those wishes to make come true”?
“I’d settle for one wish”. Tim smiles sadly.
“No improvement on the Lucy front then? You know there won't be until you talk to her right”?
“I can't, I hurt her”. He scratches his neck.
“But you love her, are you willing to watch her move on”? She picks up a glass, the amber liquid reminding him he hasn't had a drink for weeks.
“She knows I do, I told her”. He sneers.
“No you didn't, not if the way you told me is how it actually went down, Tim, offering small doses and saying you know I love you right? Are completely different things that send completely different messages”.
“She knows me though, she gets it”.
“Do you think she feels the same”? She sips her drink.
“I don't know, I have mixed feelings about that”.
“Mixed how”? She probes.
“I…. I told her she deserves better, I meant it… she does, but this pain is killing me, so no I’m not mentally prepared for her to move on, and I don'tknow how she feels”.
“Can I make a suggestion? I wouldn't normally advocate this, but you are writing your journals yes”?
“I am, separate ones like you suggested”. He nods.
“I can't believe I’m suggesting this”. She sighs “Wrap the one about her and gift it to her for Christmas, that way you haven't got to say anything, Tim she needs to know what she means to you”.
“What? No way, nu, nu, nu, nu”. He shakes his head furiously.
“Or don’t, it was only a suggestion, ok moving on, are you going to Genny’s? the boys would like that”.
“Probably, Angela is much like you, I wouldn't get a minute's peace”.
“Maybe she hates seeing you miserable”. She talks about other things, Mad Dog, the Army, she wishes him a happy, if not merry Christmas and the session is over, but not before she tells him he can call if he needs her.
He pours himself a whiskey, Fuck it, and lets Kojo out in the yard. “She knows how I feel, right boy? She knows I love her, doesn't she”? Kojo looks up at him, “ Dont tell me you agree with Dr Do-right, those are personal thoughts, private, just mine”.
He takes out all his journals, writes snippets about the call in two of them, looks at the one he dubs the Lucy ledger, and sits biting the pen. :I hate my therapist: he writes, :No, No I don't she’s ok, brutal in her honesty but not a lying psychopath I guess, she has opinions, I'm not gonna lie, she scares me shitless:
He drains his glass, decides on another and retakes his seat. :You know I love you right? I made it clear, with the small doses, didn't I?, not that it matters, I will never be worthy of someone as kind and insightful as you: He gnaws on the end of the Pen, :I lied to her, so nothing has changed with me, I wanna try to be a better man, but I keep making the same choices, lying to people I respect, people who only want what’s best for me:
He showers, puts on his PJs and lies on top of the covers only shifting his eyes to the safe once, definitely progress.
Lucy and Celina have been grocery shopping, it took Celina threatening to call Tamara to actually get her out of the apartment, it was awful but it’s done, “go sit, I don't mind putting it all away, I will make hot chocolate too if you like”. Celina offers.
“Yeah, ok, that might be nice actually, Tim always calls it cocoa”. She says as she moves over to the couch.
“Have you talked to him yet? You know in a non work related way”.
“And say what? I love you, this is stupid, no, no, I'm not letting him see how fucking broken I am”.
“He sees that everyday, just like you see him”. Celina says softly handing her a warm cup.
“Thanks, Do you think he’s doing ok? I mean, he looks sad all the time, I'm torn between wanting to hug him and beat some sense into him”.
“That's love Lucy, it makes everything confusing, he needs to know you love him”.
“He knows, he has to know, it wasn't my idea to breakup you know”. She wipes a stray tear away.
“That was months ago Lucy, he might assume that’s changed, you don't talk to each other, you hardly work together, what if he moves on, can you deal with that”?
“Leave it Celina, please, I'm ok, I promise, I’m fine”. Celina backs off, she’s seriously thinking it’s time to get Angela involved, an intervention of sorts.
“Are you decorating the apartment?, I mean we are halfway through December, a little cheer goes a long way”.
“No, not this year, I can't, I won't, they are in the hatch if you want to do your room though”. She sighs, “I don't want dinner, just get yourself something, I’m gonna take a shower”.
Celina makes a grilled cheese sandwich and after all the groceries are put away she heads to her room to facetime Aaron to arrange a night out everyone misses him so much.
Lucy stands numbly in front of the shower cubicle, some of her favorite ‘Tim times’ have happened in this very room, not just the sex, or the becoming comfortable enough with each other to use the toilet in the others presence, just the mundane everyday things, removing jewelry, brushing teeth, watching him apply product to his hair, gathering laundry. She misses him so much her chest feels like it is apt to burst open revealing her broken heart.
The tears are clouding her vision before she even gets under the water, she doesn't remember ever crying this much, not even when her Nana died, and she adored that little woman. This is more than grief, this is loss on a whole other level, and it isn't improving.
“Do you have sticky tape”? Celina asks through the bathroom door. “I ran out and only have two more gifts to wrap”.
“Try the junk draw, you.…. Er…. You might get lucky”. She says her voice cracking with emotion, she hasn't bought a single gift, not even Angela’s her secret Santa commitment this year, she doesn't have the energy for Christmas.
“Got it thanks”. Celina calls. She turns off the shower and puts on Tim’s robe, it doesn't smell like him anymore, but she remembers what he looks like in it, and under it, soaked and smelling good from a shared shower.
“Stop torturing yourself girl, he’s not coming back, just stop”. She berates herself as the tears start again, she lies on her bed with wet hair, arm over her eyes as the damn breaks and she sobs, and sobs. She thinks of Kojo, Tamara, how disappointed she would be if Lucy didn't celebrate with her this year, that girl loves the holidays.
Tim wakes with a start, the dream wasn't the usual, wet one, nor was it the nightmare that flows from his childhood, to the present day, it was weird, like a lot of people he doesn't know, but at the same time they feel familiar, the only ones he recognized were Lucy, him ,and Tamara it was disturbing, he blames the whiskey. He uses the toilet, washes his hands and gets a glass of water opting for the couch rather than trying to sleep.
Kojo senses him and moves over to sit and stare at him unnervingly, “What? You need to pee? What? I'm not fucking psychic man”. He checks the time on his phone and puts on the TV. Football season is up and running so he zones out to that.
It’s 3.12 am, he’s tired or wired or something coz he swears Kojo just spoke to him, just a ‘what are you doing Tim’? just floating there in the ether.
“What are you doing Tim”? He asks himself staring at his, their dog suspiciously “If you're talking suddenly you can tell me if you need potty ok”. Kojo slumps to the floor dramatically.
“You can also remind me to call Genny, and buy gifts for the boys, Ohh and Nolan, fucking secret Santa”. He mumbles wrapping his arms around his knees and laying his head on them.
Lucy is still awake, it’s 3.27 am and everytime she shuts her eyes she thinks about a future that no longer belongs to her, a future with Sunday lunches, teething babies, teaching a 5 year old mini Tim to ride his push bike, and of course their wedding. So she has raided the cookie jar and is dipping cookies in white wine as she flicks through the TV. She laughs maniacally, Dr Who, football, or Top Chef, she turns it off and sits in the dark, maybe tomorrow will be better, or later today.