Chapter Text
Love, in all it's grayness and demoralization: A Sigma fanfic with their found family
“Sigma, are you busy right now?” Kunikida was standing over their desk, notebook in hand with a calm, questioning expression. They answered, “I don’t have anything specific, just responding to emails.” He nodded. “I’m assigning you to accompany Ranpo, then. He was asked to help with an investigation and needs to take the train, but everyone else is currently busy.” Sigma nodded quickly. A part of them felt anxiety spike in their stomach at the idea. This was the first time they were accompanying Ranpo for a job, and the two rarely talked at the office. Sigma knew Ranpo was nice…enough….And they really didn’t want to let Kunikida down. The man had enough work dealing with all their eccentric co-workers (mainly Dazai) as it was. “Understood." They offered a shy smile and stood.
Kunikida filled them in on the specifics, and they grabbed their spare change of clothes from their desk. Sigma typically wore an ankle-length skirt to the office as they found it more comfortable to sit in, but they kept a pair of pants in case they needed to run during a job, and at Kunikida's insistence, more comfortable shoes. (They could just wear that pair regularly, but admittedly heels helped them feel more confident and they appreciated the extra height the shoes gave them.) Sigma stood up and made their way to the bathroom to change. They slipped off the skirt quickly and folded it, slipping on the black pants. They smoothed it down, checking for any dust that may have collected on it. Finding none, they left the bathroom and dropped off their skirt at their desk. Sitting down, they carefully removed their heels and set them down under the table. After a bit of struggling, they managed to fit their sneakers on and tied the laces quickly. They had only discovered what laces were in the past month and it was a concept they adored but had a bit of difficulty with most of the time. In Sigma's mind, if something was pretty, they truly didn't care if it was redundant.
They made their way to Ranpo's desk. He was chatting with Yosano, stuffing a handful of hard candies into his pocket. Sigma knew they were close because of something that happened a long time ago but they were never given the specifics. Now that they thought about it, they really didn't know how anyone ended up here completely. Maybe they should ask for a lore drop once they thought they fit in with everyone a bit more. "Are you ready to go?” They asked politely. Ranpo nodded before turning back to the doctor. "I'll pass on your offer, Yosano. Me and Ed have plans." Yosano sighed and pouted a bit. "You're abandoning me…again! I can't believe this." She scoffed dramatically but there was no actual hurt behind it. Sigma's tilted their head, curious. "Are you planning something?" Yosano nodded, then paused. She looked Sigma up and down, a growing smile on her face. They swallowed nervously. "What is it?" "Sigma, would you like to go to a bar with me tonight?" She asked with a small grin. "You're going out for drinks?" Sigma asked right back. "Well, sort of… I'm going to a gay bar." They blinked, taking in the new detail on Yosano. If they were drinking water or something, they would've definitely choked on it. "I see." Was the only response they could muster. "Would you like to come? I don't know which way you swing, but I thought I'd offer. Especially since this asshole is always ditching me to galavant with his boyfriend." Sigma felt their heart rate quicken. Shit, what if they find out? I'm already strange enough. Dostoevsky's words rang in the back of their mind.
As it was never written into the book, the part of you that experiences attraction is missing.
They shook their head. "Sorry, I prefer drinking at home." Yosano shrugged. "Fair enough. I mean it's not- " Ranpo cut in, "Can we go already? I have a murder to solve." "Alright, alright," Yosano huffed. Sigma felt another wave of new anxiety wondering what Yosano was about to say. She turned to Ranpo, patting his shoulder. "Have fun on the case. You too Sigma. Once you get the hang of this job and the idiots involved in it, it's not that bad.”
The two were on a train, sitting across from each other. Sigma was looking out the window when they felt someone staring at them. They glanced at Ranpo. He was looking at them, and his analytical gaze froze Sigma in place. His bright green eyes were sharp, and his stare carried knowledge. Why he was looking at them so heavily, they didn't know but it made their bones. "Is something wrong?" They asked. "You can just tell Yosano you're not interested in hooking up, you know. She doesn't judge." Ranpo stated bluntly. Anxiety swirled in their gut. Well more than it usually did. "What?" They needed Ranpo to repeat himself to make sure they weren't hearing things and have finally cracked. Ranpo shrugged, looking away. "Hook-up culture isn't for everyone. It's not a big deal." "Um. Okay." Their response came out ruder than intended from the panic they felt. He definitely knows. Sigma understood Ranpo was probably reassuring them. They had seen him make comments like that before, comforting different Agency members in his own way. But the idea that there were people who could see into Sigma, know what they held close, terrified them. People like Ranpo. People like Dazai.
People like Dostoevsky.
As it was never written into the book, the part of you that experiences attraction is missing.
Ranpo didn't say anything else, and neither did Sigma. The case closed rather quickly after they arrived, thanks to Ranpo's genius. Ranpo stopped for donuts after the case. He offered Sigma some but they declined. Their stomach was already churning. He ate an entire box at the shop and brought an entire new pack back to the agency for him to eat at home. Even at the agency they didn't speak much except for formalities.
Sigma had stayed up that night, replaying Ranpo's words in their head. Is it really that normal? No, it's as Dostoevsky had said. It goes past not wanting to participate in ‘hookup culture’ . The man was a bastard, and Sigma hates how he seemed to be a part of them now. But regardless of their hatred, Dostoyevsky was undeniably smart. And he was right. Whoever had written Sigma into existence must have left out who they liked. Who they were attracted to. Which was abnormal. Everyone loved someone. But not Sigma…
It was a fact they carried with them, a heavy burden; that they were an incomplete human. Not a real person. Sigma was only half a person, only having whatever their creator had deemed necessary to make them. First, their lack of gender identity, which they had found was tolerated. It was a source of shame at first, but Nikolai had shrugged it off after their initial confusion "Who cares about what God says you should be?" It was supposed to be consolation but it's not like Sigma understood what that really meant. And the employees at the Casino never minded their lack of reaction to the few times they were called ma'am or miss by the customers. In fact, they respected Sigma's androgyny and helped them learn that a lack of gender wasn't uncommon. In fact Sigma enjoyed being androgynous after a while. They even met a few other nonbinary people at the casino who made them feel more comfortable in their own body. But the sexuality thing truly bothered them. They had never met another who was loveless…just a cold, unfeeling human who was just designed wrong. Merely an error. Dostoevsky's words cut deep, and part of Sigma resented Nikolai for mentioning Sigma's sexuality (or lack thereof) to Dostoevsky. Then again, Nikolai was loyal to no one other than his darling Fedya. Same with Dostoyevsky even. They'd rather have been confused about that aspect of themself….Maybe…They weren’t really sure what was worse, knowing there was something wrong with them or forever wondering why they were different.
As it was never written into the book, the part of you that experiences attraction is missing.
He had looked at Sigma with eyes full of pity, back then. A look that they still remembered and it still made tears threaten to pour out their ruby eyes.
A shame, really, that you'll never be able to experience the love every human does.
They laid in bed for a long time with a sick taste in their mouth before falling asleep.
Timeskip brought to you by Karl the raccoon 👍
A few days later, Sigma was sitting at their desk, doing work as usual when Dazai leaned over their shoulder with his same goofy smile. "Hey, Sigma~" They glared at him slightly. "What do you want?" He leaned back and continued looking at them with a playful, mischievous look in his brown eyes. "Well, I just realized you've been here for over a month and yet you haven't seen Kunikida's notebook yet." He waved around a notebook that had ‘Ideals’ written on the cover that Sigma recognized to be Kunikida's. The blond man's head snapped up from beside them, seeing the notebook. "Oh for fuck's sake- stop stealing my notebook!" He tried grabbing it from Dazai, but he just backed away, laughing. Sigma raised an eyebrow in confusion. "Why would I want to look through Kunikida's notebook?" "Well, the part about his ideal woman is quite the read~ Did you know he's-" "Shut up, Dazai!" Kunikida warned. Dazai continued dodging Kunikida while giggling. Sigma glanced at Kunikida, who had his usual Dazai's-being-annoying frustrated expression, but they noted the tips of his ears were red. Is he embarrassed? Dazai ignored Kunikida. "Atsushi can back me up, right?" Atsushi startled, having been caught listening to their conversation. "Ah- well- it's-" his gaze flickered to Kunikida, then to Dazai, and finally he made eye contact with Sigma. "It's a lot." Sigma thought for a moment…he didn't know how to feel about this. Dazai opened the notebook, flipping through the pages. "Here," he stopped after finding the page, and pushed the open notebook into their hands, "you can read it yourself." Sigma hesitated, looking at Kunikida's clearly stressed expression. "I won't, though." They spoke quietly and placed the notebook on their desk, closing it gingerly. I've spent so long getting everyone's favor. There's no way I'm going to throw away Kunikida's good opinion of me. Even if I am a little curious what could be so bad about it… nope! They returned it to Kunikida. He took it back, sighing in relief. "Thank you. At least someone understands privacy." Atsushi smiled apologetically, clearly guilty. "Sorry." Dazai pouted. "You're no fun." Sigma rolled their eyes, returning their focus to their laptop. Except it seemed Dazai wasn't done with his antics yet, because he leaned over their shoulder. He lingered in the corner of their vision, a grin just visible. Sigma tried to ignore him. "What's your type, Sigma?" Fuck. Sigma immediately stiffened, and with effort they continued typing. Why was Dazai asking this? Only a few days after Yosano's invitation and Ranpo's strange comments, too. Their jaw clenched, and they tried to believe it was only a coincidence. "Do your work, Dazai. I'm busy." The brunette only moved closer, leaning against the desk. He watched Sigma with a cruel grin. "Oh? It must be really embarrassing if you're this nervous." He chuckled almost sadistically.
As it was never written into the book, the part of you that experiences attraction is missing.
"Shut up." The grief Sigma pushed down over the past few years settled in their stomach, and they felt the urge to run. They forced themself to focus on the screen in front of them, at this point just typing random words and letters with their trembling fingers. They were much too worked up to think about the next sentence. They could feel the bottled up emotions building, creating a pressure that made their vision blur and the room feel uncomfortably warm. Dazai opened his mouth to respond. Kunikida, possibly in some strange solidarity with Sigma, came to their aid. "You have a report to fill from our last job. It's been a week and you still haven't completed it, so get to work." Dazai whined and flailed his gangly arms like a child, "But that's boring! Hey Sigma, are you into tall women?...Or maybe tall men?" He asked and got closer to Sigma with a grin.
Neither.
"I doubt this is even work appropriate." Sigma leveled Dazai with a glare, finally having given up on working. Dazai waved them off. "I'm just curious. Is it really so strange you're that stubborn about not telling? Don't tell me you have a bizarre fetish for emos or something.” “Hey!” Ranpo chimed, feeling called out by that comment. Dazai chuckled at the detective before turning back to Sigma. They were the real victim of his teasing right now. “I-I said shut up.” They nearly whimpered. “Aww c'mon Siggy, there's no shame if you like something weird! I'm with a ginger for God's sake,” Dazai snorted. Sigma locked their jaw and felt themselves tremble. “It's really not that big of a deal, just-”
As it was never written into the book, the part of you that experiences attraction is missing.
Sigma finally snapped.
"I don't like anyone, okay? I can't like anyone!" They had raised their voice, and some other Agency members had turned to their direction from the sudden shout. Sigma could feel Ranpo's stare, and they wanted nothing more than to be swallowed into the ground so that no one could see them. They panted for a moment from their outburst and felt tears pooling. Oh no. No no no no no no. Dazai raised an eyebrow. "Well, why didn't you just say that?" He sighed dejectedly . "Making me all curious for nothing…"
What?
"What…?"
He was confused too, now. "What, what?" "Why would I just tell you something like that?" Sigma sputtered and wiped their teary eyes. "I mean," Dazai began like it was extremely obvious, "it's not like we'd judge you. You do know most of us are queer, right?" Sigma had noticed that, yes. How could they not have? They failed to see how that mattered at the moment so they lacked a response. “I'm bi, Yosano is a lesbian, Ranpo’s gay, Tanizaki is trans and gay, Atsushi is bi, and the rest of us are allies.” He explained. Sigma merely blinked. He knew about most of those but he didn't understand how it correlated.
"You're aroace, by the way." Ranpo casually called over from his desk, eating candy. Sigma whipped their head over to him. "I'm what?" "Aromantic asexual. You don't experience romantic or sexual attraction." He spoke like it was the most nonchalant thing in the world. Their jaw went slack. "Oh." They furrowed their brow, looking around as if they were about to be jumpscared. "That's a thing?" Ranpo snorted. "Obviously, you're not special or anything. I'm aroace too." Sigma was silent. It wasn't that they thought they weren't ‘aroace’ , they just hadn't realized others could feel the way they did. Blame it on their world being limited to human traffickers, and then two years with Nikolai and Dostoevsky- and Sigma's admittedly short time with regular society and the ADA made it clear they weren't the most knowledgeable on the subject of being queer. They knew Nikolai and Dostykvevsy were open about being gay, but those two didn't seem to know much about other identities. They had done a lot of research before the creation of the casino, to be inclusive to everyone. This had included the lgbtq community, but they had done minimal research before moving on. After all, they hadn't had much time to research a long list of topics, so they never got the chance to go in-depth with any.
But even if others could feel that way, it was still different from them, wasn't it? Their abnormal creation made their lack of attraction a mistake. A design flaw made by lazy writers.
"Hey," Dazai tapped their shoulder. "want to share what's going through your head?" No. Yes. No, he wouldn't understand. But… Dazai was smart, and Ranpo was as well. Would they confirm Sigma's fears? Were they really only a patchwork of human qualities, forever incomplete? They had to know. They didn't know what they would do if the answer was yes. Dazai tapped their shoulder again. Sigma looked at him, searching his gaze. His eyes were strangely warm, with a hint of amusement in them. Sigma didn't know if it should assure or unnerve them. Still, it was better than judgment. They took a deep breath, before answering. "Dostoevsky had a theory. I was written from a book, so the only details about me are what was written in. If something was missing- like who I was attracted to, I just wouldn't have that part of a person. Like I was missing chunks of my character." Dazai looked at Sigma incredulously. "And you believed him? Seriously?" Sigma felt their cheeks warm. "Well- it makes sense, doesn't it?" They all gave him a look and suddenly, taking the so-called demon's words to heart felt rather stupid. "I mean, sure, until you remember that Dostoevsky doesn't know shit about being queer. He didn't even notice Gogol's blatant flirting or the fact he liked it." Sigma grabbed Dazai's arm and gasped, eyes wide. "So you saw it, too!" He snorted, "Who wouldn't? Except Dostoevsky,I guess. I'm pretty sure they even fucked a few times. I'm sure Chuuya knows better than I do but he doesn't like to talk about it much.” Sigma nodded. They knew how much Chuuya was put through by the DOA and they could empathize with being traumatized by Nikolai and Dostykvevsy. "Hold on." Ranpo cut in. "The clown and Fyodor were a thing?" Sigma sighed. "You don't even know half of it. They were so obvious, and yet both of them denied the fact Dostoevsky clearly reciprocated Nikolai's feelings!" Dazai grinned, giddy. "Oh, you so have to tell me all your stories."Sigma shuddered with a shyly playful grin. "Don't make me relive it." They let go of Dazai's arm, turning back to their laptop that had turned off from lack of use. Silence enveloped the Agency for just a moment, before Ranpo sighed and seconds later something hit Sigma in the side of their head with a small 'thwack.' "Ow?" They rubbed the spot with their hand, looking down to find a hard candy at the edge of their seat. They looked at Ranpo, who was staring at him somewhat judgingly. "Whatever reason there is for you being aroace doesn't change that it's fine. None of us choose our sexuality or gender-" Sigma never even brought that up??? "-so really, you're no different from the rest of us. Stop trying to make yourself an outsider." The sharpness of it surprised Sigma for a moment, but they remembered that he usually had a stilted tone when comforting others. It seemed it didn't come naturally to the man. Regardless, the words had their desired effect, and Sigma felt a warmer, more genuine smile form on their face. "This is just a guess," Dazai added, "but I think the fact you're aroace is just a coincidence, and has nothing to do with the book." Sigma nodded hopefully. Kunikida spoke up. "Alright, enough yapping. Get back to work. Especially you, Dazai. I expect the report to be finished by the end of the day." "Awww," Dazai pouted, but finally returned to his seat. Ranpo moved his focus to opening a bag of chips. Sigma turned their laptop back on and typed in the password. While it was loading, they unwrapped the hard candy and popped it in their mouth. It was lemon flavored, and they made a slight face at how sour it was. It wouldn’t be surprising if Ranpo chose his least favorite to give to Sigma. It was still a kind gesture though…sorta. Kunikida leaned in his direction. In a low voice, he said to them, "You'll always be accepted in the Agency. If you ever need someone to talk to, I don't mind lending an ear." Sigma smiled again. "Thanks, Kunikida.” He nodded, and returned to his side of the desk. Sigma's shoulders felt lighter the rest of the day. The lemon flavor lingered on their tongue, surprisingly sweet despite the citrus taste. Their mind repeated the new term, almost as if they were writing it over and over again to memorize it, to write it into their being.
I'm aroace.
They felt happy at the thought.
Two days later, Ranpo received a phone call. Ranpo never received calls before, so out of curiosity Sigma tried to subtly listen in while they worked. They subconsciously loved eavesdropping. "Hey Ed. … You're visiting? … Yeah…thanks…the usual for everyone. … Hm? Oh right, I'll ask." Sigma immediately started typing into their laptop as to not look suspicious. "Sigma." Ranpo called to them right after. Pretending to be broken out of their focus, Sigma perked up. "Huh? What is it?" Ranpo raised an eyebrow knowingly, and Sigma cleared their throat, using his hand to hide what was probably the slight tint to their cheeks. They got red way too quickly. "Ed is asking what pastry you'd like from the café." Sigma furrowed their eyebrows and asked curiously, "Who's Ed?" "My boyfriend," Ranpo answered nonchalantly. Sigma startled. "You have a boyfriend?" He raised an eyebrow back and frowned. "Yes? Do you have an issue with that?" "Well, n-no of course not," Sigma stuttered, "it's just…I thought you were also aroace."
"I am."
"Oh. So why are you dating someone?" Ranpo scoffed in something that resembled amusement. "Just because I don't experience romantic or sexual attraction doesn't mean I can't enjoy dating." Sigma was quiet, processing. "It's different for everyone," Ranpo added, and they nodded, trying to understand. It didn't really work. "So, what's your favorite dessert?" "Oh-" Sigma had forgotten about his original question. "Cookies." "Okay…" Ranpo dragged out, as if he had to be extra clear when talking to Sigma. Which wasn't entirely wrong, though they felt somewhat ashamed at the thought. "What kind?"
"Oh- um. Any?" His favorite were medivnychki, gingerbread cookies Nikolai insisted on baking the most, so Sigma grew accustomed to the taste. They're not as sweet as other cookies they made, but they always made Nikolai smile genuinely, so Sigma folded to his begging more times than they would like to admit when baking. They doubted they would sell them here, though. At least not at some random Japanese café. Ranpo nodded, "Sigma likes cookies. … red velvet and white chocolate chips." Oh, those were one of their favorites to make. "Okay, see you soon… Love you too" He hung up with a small smile. Sigma felt a wave of curiosity and confusion. Was Ranpo lying about being aroace to make them feel better? “Hey Sigma” Ranpo addressed them right on time. They hummed nervously and met his gaze. “It's a spectrum…y'know. Being aroace. It's not something that has one specific definition. Some people feel no sexual or romantic attraction at all and other people still enjoy mainly platonic relationships. I love my boyfriend but not in the way that most traditional couples do with their partners…I'm still aroace; having a partner doesn't make that change. And honestly, I'm pretty far on one end of the spectrum that does experience a bit of attraction so don't let that change your experience of being aroace ok?” Sigma felt comforted by Ranpo's explanation and nodded. He was honestly glad to know there was no specific standard you had to meet to be aromantic or asexual. You could just be. They nodded and offered an understanding smile. Ranpo nodded back but didn't smile. He didn't do that often other than when he was amused or sarcastic. Whenever he was attempting to comfort someone, his expression remained casual. “Besides, at the end of the day, it's not that important. All these things such as being ‘aroace' or ‘gay’ are just words. They're just words and labels used to convey feelings. Which is what's actually important.” This stuck a deep cord with Sigma. Just words. Nothing more and nothing less. Dazai spoke up, interrupting sigma's train of thought which was probably a good thing, “What did you order again Siggy?” “Cookies.” “Good choice, their cookies are tasty. They remind me of the brownies Chuuya and I used to burn in the Easy Bake oven we found in an alley." Everyone looked at him with the same look they always did when he dropped something like that. Without waiting for a response, he spoke up again. “I just asked him to get me the most expensive thing in the cafe.” Sigma raised an eyebrow at him. "And why would you do that?” “Because!~” He grinned rascally. “I hope it's worth the hype." They shook their head, exasperated. "I'm glad I met you after I lost my job at the casino. I bet you'd try to make me pay for everything." "He doesn't do that now? I'm constantly having to pay for him." Kunikida grumbled. Sigma sympathized with the man, as Kunikida the main person who had to deal with Dazai’s antics at work. "Ehhh? I don't ask that much!" Dazai defended himself with a pouty face. "I'm more inclined to believe Kunikida.” Sigma commented with a small smile. Despite the fact that they felt bad for Kunikida and found Dazai annoying most of the time, they would be lying to say they didn't enjoy the agency's playful dynamic. Like siblings and family members bickering over remotes and front seats. "Sigma! You wound me!” Ranpo threw the scrunched up empty chip bag at Dazai. "Haven't you had an unpaid tab at the café downstairs for almost a year now?" "Yeah." Dazai said bluntly and narrowed his eyes, completely shameless. Sigma looked at him hopelessly and shook their head. He's such a lost cause. Kunikida sighed. "If you don't pay it off soon, they'll probably refuse to serve you anymore. And don't throw trash around, Ranpo.” The raven haired man only stuck out his tongue at the blonde, not bothering with a response. Dazai waved Kunikida off. "It's been so long but they still serve me, so I'm not too concerned." "Dazai! The Agency has a reputation to uphold, and you are a part of that! You can't just not pay-" Kunikida started lecturing him, and Sigma promptly zoned out. They made eye contact with Atsushi from across the desk, who had an exasperated but amused expression. He tilted his head in the direction of his door, and Sigma nodded. Kunikida lecturing Dazai was a frequent occurrence, and as they all shared a desk, Atsushi and Sigma developed a silent agreement. Whenever Kunikida would begin a lecture that sounded like it would take long, the two would subtly leave for their lunch break. It only worked if it was an appropriate time for lunch as the two of them were scared of being called out, but it worked well enough. They both slipped out of their seats, careful not to scrape them against the floor. Atushi mumbled a quiet, "Café?" and Sigma nodded. They shared a smile.
Once out the door, Atsushi sighed in relief. "We made it out…" Sigma huffed in amusement. "Another successful escape. Now let's go downstairs before they try catching us."Atsushi laughed, nodding. The two took the stairs down, taking their usual booth in the middle of the café and sitting across from each other, Sigma facing the entrance door. "We shouldn't order pastries since Poe is visiting." Ranpo's boyfriend. They noted the name. ‘Ed’ was probably an affectionate nickname Ranpo used, so Sigma internally noted to refer to him as Poe as well. “Does he always bring something?" Sigma asked curiously and gently. The phone call made it sound as if it was a regular occurrence. "Yeah, he's memorized all our orders by now." Atsushi beamed like he usually did. "He's really nice! Shy too, but that's okay. Just don't…" Atsushi trailed off, his smile turning uncertain. "Don't what?" They leaned in conspiratorially. Atsushi leaned in as well, dropping his voice. "Don't act too close to Ranpo, y'know? I think he's the jealous type." Sigma nodded quickly, making a note to follow his advice. The last thing Sigma ever wanted was to upset people. “When Dazai teases Ranpo a bit, like he does with everyone else he interacts with, and Poe sees, he looks like he could murder Dazai. It's really strange to see since he's usually so docile and polite…” His voice trailed off mysteriously before he perked up again. “Well I guess it's true that love can change people!” Sigma offered a hesitant nod. They didn't know what Atsushi meant firsthand obviously but they wanted to react anyway because they thought it was rude to not. “In more ways than one…” Atususi’s smile softened and Sigma knew he was trying to include them. Sigma's expression matched his and they felt better. They leaned back, noticing Lucy walking over to them. "Tiger-Cat. Your usual?" The redhead asked, her braces glinting in the sunlight that flooded in through the window. Atsushi nodded, his smile brightening with her appearance. Lucy turned to Sigma. "What about you, Cotton Candy?" Their cheeks grew slightly red in embarrassment. The hair wasn't that bad, was it? “It’s Sigma.” They corrected, despite knowing it was a lost cause. Lucy seemed to prefer using the nicknames she made up, no matter how humiliating they were. “Uh-huh,” she absently replied, and they sighed in defeat, “So what’s your order?” “Coffee with milk…a-and sugar please.” “So.. a latte?” She raised an eyebrow and Sigma's whole pale face turned red. “T-that's the one” They stuttered quietly. She nodded and wrote it down, leaving the two to make their orders. “How has work been?” Sigma asked Atsushi. They made a point to ask him that after he completes a job whenever they could. “It’s still not too busy, so I’ve been okay. Though, it makes me kind of worried to think we won’t get as much business as we did before anymore…” Atsushi trailed off, looking at his hands. Sigma felt a small pang of guilt. They didn’t regret what they did- any of it- as they did what they had to survive, but they did feel bad for the Agency’s damaged reputation. They were wrongfully accused, and didn’t deserve the hardships they went through. They made sure not to show it on their face though, in case Atsushi felt bad for opening up to them, considering the hand they played in the Agency’s downfall. “I’m sure it’ll get better in time. The incident is still recent, so it’ll take longer for the public to move past what happened. As long as you keep working as hard as you do, people will realize that you're a genuine organization.” They responded calmly. “I hope so” Atushi sighed and looked back at them. He smiled too, grateful for the reassurance. Sigma returned the gesture.
Through the corner of their eye, Sigma noticed the café door open. A tall man with pale skin and long bangs that covered his eyes entered, a messenger bag hanging off his arm and carrying a box. He made his way to the counter, waved to Lucy who was focused on brewing coffee and cleared his throat. Lucy looked over with a scowl that promptly disappeared when she saw who it was, and called over to him, “Oh, hey Edgar. It’s been a while.” Her voice was cheery and warm which Sigma had never really seen from Lucy.
The man, Edgar, nodded. Sigma guessed he was Poe, ‘Ed’ being short for Edgar. “A… friend… of Ranpo’s had to stay at my house for a while, and I’ve been busy helping him move out. That and finishing my newest manuscript.” Poe’s voice was very soft and shy, despite him and Lucy knowing each other for years. Lucy shrugged, not really caring as to why he hadn't been around much. “Sure, sure. Did you bring me something?” She peered over to look at what Poe was carrying.
Poe huffed in amusement. He settled the box onto the counter. Atsushi followed Sigma's gaze and saw Poe. "Oh, Poe! You arrived quicker than I thought." Poe spun around, startled. "Oh- hello." He gave Atushi a slight bow and a shaky smile as he fidgeted with his gloved fingers. Sigma could relate with his anxiety on a dangerously personal level. Lucy opened the box while Poe was distracted, grabbing a pink cupcake with sprinkles on it. "Ooh, my favorite." Poe turned his head back to her, sighing. "Yes, I remembered." He quickly closed the box and took it back. He walked over to Sigma and Atsushi's booth, placing the box onto the table. "Yours should be in here too, Atsushi." He spoke gently and looked down at the two. For such a shy man, he was really quite tall. "Thanks a lot!" Atsushi opened the box carefully, grabbing his treat. Poe turned to them, shoulders hunched to make himself smaller. "I presume you're Sigma?" They nodded. "It's good to meet you, Poe." "Yes, same here…" he opened his messenger bag, pulling out a small paper bag. "This is for you." He held it out to them, and they took it with a nod and a sweet smile. They pulled out a red velvet cookie, littered with white chocolate chips. Taking a bite, they smiled at the sweet taste. White chocolate chips were usually too sweet for them, but they fit strangely well with red velvet. "It's delicious. Thank you." Poe nodded shyly and swallowed. "Yes, well i-im glad… I should go visit Ranpo now." Despite his nervousness and shyness, Poe seemed to be like a genuinely kind person. "Of course," Atsushi replied, "Thank you again for the sweets." Poe grabbed the box and walked away. Lucy approached the now empty space, placing down their coffees. She crossed her arms, waiting impatiently for Atsushi to take a sip. In the times they've visited the café together, Sigma had noticed it was the usual occurrence. The truth was, Atsushi didn't actually have a regular drink. He always ordered whatever drink Lucy was learning to make or her newest experiment. 'Atsushi's usual' really just meant 'whatever Lucy's brewing.' Sigma found the routine rather endearing. Atsushi picked up the small espresso cup, observing the design. "You've gotten a lot better at latte art, Lucy!" She blushed and looked away with a forcefully annoyed expression, hiding her fluster. "Just try it, already!" "Right." Atsushi quickly but carefully raised the cup to his lips, taking a sip. After a few seconds of silence, he beamed. "It's really good! You've gotten a lot better at brewing coffee." The compliment only made her cheeks flush a darker color, and Sigma had to raise their hand to cover their amused smile. "Really..?" She asked hesitantly. "Mhm!" Atsushi's own cheeks were dusted pink. "It's really impressive how quick you learn." "Well- i-it's my job, so of course I have to be good at it." Lucy tucked her hair behind a blushing ear. “I just think you're talented~” Atushi teased. "Whatever. Thanks for the feedback." She spun around, going to serve another customer that walked in.
Sigma watched the way Atsushi looked at her walk away with a fond smile on his face. It was obvious to everyone in the Agency the two liked each other, and both Yosano and Dazai made a point of teasing Atsushi, asking him when he'll ask her out. Even Ranpo would join in occasionally on encouraging the boy to confess. They wondered, sometimes, what it was like to have a crush. It seemed a sweet experience, from what they've witnessed from the two's interactions. Sweet, but also a little awkward. And Sigma noticed how nervous Atsushi looked at the idea of asking Lucy out. Perhaps romance was a mixed bag of emotions. Sigma understood the appeal. Sometimes. Some days they were grateful for being aroace. Those were the better days, if they were being honest. The constant romance plots in the media made it a little harder to accept they'll never experience it for themselves, but… they had nice coworkers, and what they thought was a home, so maybe that’s okay. To have a place to call their own and people to trust and call friends is enough for them. Maybe today will be the day that Sigma accepts that their love for their coworkers and the ‘family’ they've gained is truly more than enough. “I'm grateful.” Sigma accidentally blurted but they didn't regret it. Atsushi raised an eyebrow and looked at Sigma who was looking into their latte and smiling calmly. “I'm grateful for the agency…I-i think…” The words felt heavy in their throat but they knew it was the right thing to say. For all the fidgety, anxious statements Sigma has ever made, this was probably the first, and last time they would ever be so decisive about something. “I love you all…and that's more fulfilling than any romance.” Their smile widened. They weren't saying it to let Atushi know as much as they were to feel peace within themselves. Atsushi was silent for a moment before smiling back and speaking in a soft but sure tone. “We love you too Sigma.”
Their heart fluttered and they took a sip of their coffee.
Love was a silly concept. Sigma thought that they'd never get to experience it nor crave to.
But they had been. During the past blissful month at the agency, they had the honor to experience love, in all of its grayness.