Chapter Text
Jake
There was a full-length mirror in the entryway to the apartment Jake shared with his boyfriend.
Jake knew Jay was a big fan of fashion. He never failed to check his clothes before going out anywhere, although, being always in such a hurry, when he runs down the hallway to get to the building's elevator faster, he ruins the blonde hair that he had so carefully styled to perfection minutes before.
Jake found it adorable, but although he had never told Jay, he wasn't a big fan of that mirror. He met his reflection every time he closed the door; the bruises on his arms, hands, and occasionally his face made it difficult for him to appreciate the view and find it truly appealing. Thanks to his own refusal to communicate his disagreement to Jay, the solution was not to remove the mirror, but to accept that Jay would have to stop touching him as much as possible, at least as much as possible being two adults in their twenties living together to survive the exorbitant price of an apartment in Seoul. Because if Jake himself noticed the marks in the mirror, others would too and no one wanted that to happen.
"I'm home," Jake announced out loud as soon as he closed the door. He took off his shoes, placed his coat on the coat rack in the entryway, and there he was, deep, haggard brown eyes in the mirror, judging the immediate grimace on his face.
Jake walked exhausted into a bright apartment. With the smell of bitter coffee in his nose, Jake threw his backpack on the couch and headed towards the source of the aroma, the kitchen.
Jay was with the coffee pot in his hand and a half-full cup that almost fell out of his hands when he entered, he seemed to have been scared by the sudden interruption even though Jake had announced his arrival a few moments ago. Jake stood at the entrance to the kitchen silently and making eye contact with Jay for ten eternal seconds. Finally Jay cleared his throat, set the cup on the white counter, the coffee pot in its place, and smiled at him.
"Welcome home, Jake," Jay said softly, coming over to give him a couple of loving pats on the shoulder that made Jake want to grab him by the wrist, pull him against his body and trap him in a hug. He didn't muster the courage to do it, because he couldn't ignore the fact that Jay's eyes roamed over his arms in search of bruises that the fabric left exposed. "Today you seem to be doing very well."
Jay's smile widened, his shoulders relaxing quickly after discovering that there were no bruises. Jake started to relax after that too, and was able to return the smile sincerely even though Jay had turned around for his yet-to-be-filled cup too soon to see it.
"Work wasn't hard today, and with tomorrow being my weekend I really appreciate that. So yeah, today was good."
Jay drank from his cup, his warm eyes speaking to him as if asking for more, but the day had been too calm and lacking in excitement, so Jake had nothing more to add to the conversation about his work.
"That looks delicious." Jake gestured with his head in the direction of his coffee, changing the subject.
"Oh, yes it is. Do you want me to bring you a cup? There is still enough coffee."
Again, Jay turned to put down his cup so he could open the mug cabinet. Jay hadn't touched Jake at all beyond patting him on the shoulder since two weeks ago, Jay wouldn't let him do it. At that moment, Jake's fingers were tingling as he watched Jay's fingers tangle around the handle of Jake's favorite mug, and he couldn't help himself.
Firm footsteps guided his way to Jay, and his arms, eager to feel the warmth of his body, surrounded him as he buried his face in his back. He heard him gasp in surprise, and even try to move away momentarily before freezing in place.
"I miss you. I know it's getting worse, but I miss you so much." Jake's eyes filled with tears.
"Jake..."
Jay's hands stayed up, trying not to touch the bare skin of Jake's arms. The action squeezed Jake's heart, making it impossible for him to speak and ask him to please return the hug that he had been longing for for two weeks, even though he lived in the same house as him. He saw Jay every day, and yet it felt like the man he loved was just another stranger on the endless list of people Jake saw every day at work.
The feeling was unbearable.
"We can't, Jake... we can't."
"I'll wear long sleeves for the rest of the week, but I can't take it anymore."
"You're crazy. It's Summer, you're going to melt."
Jay placed the cup back in the cupboard, turning uncomfortably to face Jake. The hardness that Jake saw in his features disappeared when he saw him, perhaps because he was on the verge of tears, but he didn't appreciate the obvious pity in his eyes.
"I'm so sorry. If it weren't for me, we could be a normal couple." Jay sighed.
Jake wondered what was going on in that little blonde head that he considered so intelligent and wonderful, but all he could feel were Jay's hands firmly reciprocating his hug, painfully rubbing the skin of his arms. A painful moan escaped him, and even though he was sure Jay had heard him, he didn't let him go away completely.
"It's worth it?" Jay asked.
Jake stepped back an inch. With their faces facing each other, the grimace due to the burning in his arms faded a little, so he was able to answer firmly:
"It's worth it, Jay. You make it worth it."
There was a glint in Jay's eyes, his face having contorted a little when he heard it, something Jake had recognized as guilt. Jay's free hand quickly moved up to his cheek and Jay gently pressed their lips together. Before the unpleasant part came, Jake was able to enjoy his smooth, coffee-flavored mouth for a moment, something that brought relief to his anguished heart.
Then Jake squeezed his eyes shut, trying to kiss him back even though his face burned where Jay's hand rested. It felt like little needles piercing his skin incessantly; Tears began to fall from his eyes although he tried with all his might not to cry, but what could he do if the pain spread across his lips despite the softness with which he was being kissed? It had been so long since he last kissed him that his face had become sensitive to pain from lack of habit. He tried to move away a little, unable to tolerate the sting any longer.
Jay possibly felt the salty taste of Jake's tears on his lips because when he finished the kiss, Jake saw him lick his pink lips. Then Jay looked at him in the same way he had examined his arms seconds before, and unlike the last time, he did so with a grimace at Jake's now bruised and scratched face.
Jake wanted to apologize for forcing contact and then trying to run away, but not a single word came out. His lips felt swollen, and he couldn't give Jay comfort when he began to stroke Jake's brown hair, carefully trying not to touch his bare skin again as he accompanied him in his crying.
There was a time when Jake could have raised his hand and lovingly wiped away his tears,
but he couldn't touch him without hurting himself anymore. They had never really talked about it, Jay fled the room at the slightest mention of his bruises, and Jake started wearing makeup from time to time. It had become a silent agreement to ignore the root of the problem.
Medical mystery or whatever justified his body's reactions, Jake had never dared to ask Jay if he was no longer sure of his feelings for him. After their long relationship dating back to their high school days, Jay was all Jake knew romantically. He didn't want to hear the answer directly from his lips, even though his body was screaming that... it might, in fact, be the case.
Jay's thumb caressed Jake's cheekbone for the last time and then his hand fell from his face to his own side, he looked at everything except Jake's pleading eyes, who with sadness printed on his face let out a long sigh.
"Look at me, please, I beg you."
"I can't, I hate seeing you like this."
"Come on, Jay, we know it's not something you can control."
Jay pursed his lips, swallowed firmly, and gently pushed the palm of his hand into Jake's body. He wiped his own tears with the back of his hand and without saying anything else walked away to the small studio they shared to work.
Silence filled the place after that, and Jake, face hidden in his hands, cried harder until his eyes were swollen and his throat was dry.
An hour later Jay still hadn't left the studio.
Jake sat next to the door, patiently waiting for him to come out, but it became night and with his heart in his hand he had to get up and go to bed.
He was waiting for Jay for a long time, the door to the study never opened, Jay didn't appear in the room at all either.