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Nick can’t really believe that he’s done with sixth form. It’s currently three weeks into summer and still doesn’t feel real. He figures he is meant to feel “free” now. Free from being told what to do, free to make his own choices, free to just be an adult finally. The only thing he feels, though, is overwhelmed and empty. Nick isn’t sure why. On paper, his future from this point on is set for success. He’s attending Leeds in the fall with a secured spot on their rugby team and is rooming with one of his mates, Sai. Nick is thrilled to start Uni, sure. But he’s having such a difficult time feeling happy right now. Maybe he’s just sad about moving on from his childhood. Sentimentality seems to run strongly in his family (at least on his mum’s side), and Nick certainly inherited that trait. Seeing all the people from school going on holiday and smiling with their friends on his social media is not helping either.
There’s another factor adding to Nick’s overall droopy mood, though. He and his girlfriend of eight months, Imogen, broke up about two weeks ago. “Break up” might not be the right way to put it. It wasn’t some devastating falling out like Nick had seen some other couples at school go through. It was more of a mutual decision to be apart for a while. They could both tell that their initial spark had fizzled into almost nothing and wanted to see if some distance over the summer holidays might help reignite it. And if it does, they are both attending Leeds in the fall, so getting back together would be easy.
If Nick is being honest with himself, he doesn’t really think the whole distance thing is going to magically save their relationship. Sometimes two people just don’t exactly work. But he agreed to it and stored whatever false hope he has in the situation in the back of his mind.
He hasn’t talked to his mum about any of this. She knows about Imogen, of course. But he feels too guilty about his negative feelings to share them with her. He would probably seem ungrateful. The logical part of his brain knows that she would likely understand. There is no way she doesn’t know something is amiss, considering all he’s managed to do in the last 21 days is walk Nellie and go to a movie once with his mates. The spontaneous tears have probably been a sign as well.
Nick wakes up this morning to Nellie licking his face. He sighs and gives her a cuddle.
“Hi Nells” he mumbles.
He intends to get up for a shower, he really does. But the melatonin fairy lulls him back to sleep for another two hours. She’s been visiting a lot lately.
After stumbling out of bed, Nick manages to take a shower that leaves him feeling like he just hiked a mountain.
He goes downstairs to make tea and pick up where he left off on an old season of Bake Off. His mum is sleeping still because she worked the night shift at the hospital last night. Another reason why he feels guilty about his low mood. Sarah works so hard for him and his older brother. He should be more grateful. He had a job as an assistant rugby coach for a youth league last summer to pay for his own clothes and such, but his mum insisted he take a break this summer. Nick is going to start looking for jobs if she keeps having to work night shifts, though. He doesn’t like seeing her so tired on days like today.
A while later he takes Nellie out to the park for her walk. He finds out it rained the night before from the dark sidewalks and Nellie splashing in a massive puddle. It amazes him how excited she gets over some things. Even seeing the same tree or squirrels has her wagging her tail like crazy. She’s just adorable. Nick finds himself feeling anticipatory grief over being away from her in the fall. He’ll miss the familiarity of seeing his mum and Nellie consistently so much.
Sarah is up and on her iPad at the table when they return from their somewhat-refreshing stroll.
She looks up with a smile. “Hi Nicky! Good weather?” she asks with an enthusiasm Nick has no chance of replicating at the moment.
“It was fine. A bit wet from the rain” he replies while wiping Nellie’s paws.
“So. I had an idea” Sarah starts. “I know we haven’t gone since you were 12, but what if we went on a trip to
Menorca for about a fortnight? I know it might be a bit boring for you to just hang out with your old mum, so you could bring a friend if you wanted! I just hate seeing you so down right now and thought a change of scenery might help. What do you think? I’ve already found some flights and a place to stay.”
Nick isn’t exactly sure what to say. He does sort of miss Menorca. “I don’t know mum. What about the money? Can you get work off?”
“I actually started saving a few months ago. I wanted to do something fun with you before you left. And the hospital will be fine. They can do without me for two weeks.” She looks at him with hopeful eyes.
Nick feels a new wave of love for his mum. “You didn’t have to do that. That’s really nice, mum,” he tells her earnestly.
“Of course I did! I love you so much. And we’ll be back with plenty of time to pack you up and get you to Leeds for the pre-season.”
“Yeah, let’s go. It sounds really fun actually. Thanks, mum.”
“Oh, good Nicky! We’ll have so much fun. Do you want to bring a friend?”
He thought for a minute. He doesn’t have that many friends. Honestly, Imogen was probably his best friend last year, but she is a definite no. Then there’s Sai, but he’s visiting family. Otis is at some mathletes event for the University of Kent and Christian is dog sitting for his neighbor almost the entire summer.
“Nah” Nick says. “They’re all busy and it’ll be nice for it to just be us.”
“Ok, if you’re sure. Maybe I can teach you to cross-stitch while we’re there.” At the face Nick makes, she breaks out laughing. “I’m just teasing, baby. There will be lots to do. I’ll book the tickets now.”
Getting ready for the trip has Nick feeling a little more optimistic about turning his mood around. He really hopes he can be pleasant enough for his mum. He would hate to ruin the thoughtful holiday she planned just because he’s feeling a bit off.
The next week, Nick and his mom are on a flight to Menorca, Spain. Nellie was staying at his very excited aunt’s house while they were away. He must admit that he’s looking forward to seeing his favorite place as a child for the first time again in years. He’ll never forget summers spent “rescuing” washed-up starfish, racing his cousins down the beach, and sampling his mum’s wine (which always tasted rank to him) when she wasn’t looking.
Nick can see sparkling water out of the plane window, and the second he steps off the plane, he can’t help but smile. The salty air combs through his hair and the brilliant sun envelopes him in a tingly embrace.
He and Sarah discuss their plans for their trip on the short Uber ride to the rental his mum found in the gorgeous, white-washed town of Binibeca.
“Either I’m getting old, or I need to start doing some arm workouts,” Sarah sighs, dropping her bags as soon as they step through the door of their rental.
Nick smiles. “I can be your personal trainer, if you like.”
Sarah pokes him lightly in the arm. “Or I could just hire you to carry all my bags from now on.”
“I’ll consider the offer” he laughs.
Nick puts his bags in his room and goes back to help his mum with hers.
“So, do you want to just hang out here a bit?” Sarah asks once they’ve settled.
“Actually, can we go for a walk around town? Maybe see the beach? I forgot how much I missed this place,” Nick suggests.
“That sounds lovely! We can find somewhere to eat for dinner, too.”
“Yes please! I’m starving.”
Sarah pats his hand on the table. “My growing baby boy.”
Nick glances at her with a raised eyebrow. “Hardly your baby anymore.” He gets an intent look back from her.
“Nicky. You will always, always, be my baby.”
That apparently hits some sensitive spot in his heart because he can feel tears gathering in his eyes. He’s not even sure why. So much for all hiding his melancholy. He brings his hands to his face, but it’s no use trying to hide anything from his mum. His wonderful, loving mum.
“Oh, baby.” She moves forward and wraps her arms around his significantly taller frame, rubbing his back. “I didn’t mean to make you cry.” Nick’s tears are streaming down his face onto her shoulder against his will now. “It’s ok,” she coos. “It’s ok to cry.”
He manages to stop the constant stream after a few minutes. Either that or his tear ducts have finally run dry. It’s hard to tell. “Sorry, mum,” he chokes out. “I don’t… I’m just-”
“No need to be sorry,” Sarah cuts him off. “Are you sure you don’t want to just stay here tonight? I can go get some food.”
Nick shakes his head. “No, I think the air will be good for me. I’m just going to miss you so much when I go to uni.”
“I know,” she says sympathetically. “I’ll miss you so, so much, too. Come on, lets start our walk and we can talk.”
Nick wipes at his eyes and they start down the winding street.
Sarah loops her arm in Nicks. “Tell me how you’re feeling.”
“About moving to Uni?”
“Sure, if you want. Or about anything. I want to hear it all.”
Nick isn’t quite sure where to start. It feels so difficult for him to clearly articulate his emotions right now. He can’t even pinpoint what he’s feeling; how is he supposed to explain it all to his mum? Every emotion seems to swirl around his head and slip out of his mind’s grasp.
Sarah seems to sense his conflict and says, “Maybe start with Imogen? You haven’t talked much about that situation.”
He looks over at her and- how can he not spill his entire soul when he knows she loves him more than anyone.
“I guess I didn’t expect to be so affected by our breakup,” he starts. “I never felt crazy about her, you know?”
“That makes sense. But it’s normal to feel a little empty when someone you spent so much time with isn’t in your life anymore. Even if what you had with that person wasn’t huge or even good. I felt that way when your dad and I split.” Nick nods. Though he was so young, he still clearly remembers how sad his mum was during those long months after the divorce.
Sarah turns them onto a street lined with shops and restaurants. There are a few couples eating on outside patios. A family is strolling down the cobbled road with their kids. A group of four people around his age catch Nick’s eye. Two of them, both with gorgeous curly hair, are walking arm-in-arm and laughing hysterically at what the other two are saying. Nick finds himself feeling a bit jealous of what appears to be such untainted joy.
Nick snaps out of his people watching when his mum continues. “Do you think you might be sadder about all the change in your life in general, rather than your and Imogen’s actual breakup?”
That felt pretty accurate. “Probably. It’s kind of a lot all at once… and I just feel kind of empty right now, I guess.”
“Maybe you’re experiencing some depression from all the change?” Sarah suggests.
Nick frowns, thinking for a minute. He never considered he might be depressed. That seemed like such a strong word, and he honestly didn’t know much about it. If being sad for seemingly no reason was a symptom, though, he figured that it might apply to him.
“Yeah, maybe,” he expresses, biting his lip. “I also just feel guilty about not being as excited as my friends are about everything.”
“You don’t need to expect so much from yourself, Nicky. It’s ok to feel down. There’s nothing wrong with you. And I’m sure some of your friends are feeling similarly to you.”
Nick sighs, kicking at a loose pebble. “Yeah.”
“Is there anything I can do to help? Anything at all?” she asks sincerely.
Nick stops walking and gives her a short hug. “This is already helping a lot. Thank you.” He pulls back and smiles at her. “I think you would make a great therapist, by the way.”
That makes Sarah laugh. “Oh, I’m not so sure about that. I don’t know if I could care about a stranger’s feelings as much as I do yours. Besides, I don’t think taking all my patients on a Menorcan holiday as therapy is very realistic.”
“Hmm, I think you’re right."
“Nothing will ever change how much I love you, Nicky. Never forget that.”
He feels tears creeping up towards his eyes again, and fights to push them back. “Thanks, mum. I love you too.”
They continue walking a few more paces in silence. The sun is starting its dazzling descent below the horizon and casts its warmth on every surface within reach. They find a restaurant serving local food and eat on the patio, talking about nothing of great importance (though Nick might argue that the new Marvel series is very important).
Nick loves this time of day. It feels magical. The sunset offers reassurance that the day is almost done, the colors of the world appear wildly enhanced, and he always gets some unsourced sense of calm.
When they finish, they make their way back to their tucked-away rental, and Nick falls asleep that night feeling a bit lighter than he has the past few weeks. Thank the Menorcan air. Thank his mum. Maybe even thank the universe. He just feels like it might all work out.