Chapter Text
Jane sits at Jesse’s desk, her head in her hands.
She doesn’t know how this could have happened (yes, she does ) and she doesn’t know what she should do about it (let Kate handle it, that’s what she should do) and she doesn’t know if she’s more ashamed or embarrassed or… well…
Amused .
The word she’s looking for is ‘amused’ because once she gets past that embarrassment and that shame and pushes aside the thoughts of months (that will probably be years ) of impending ridicule (all very well deserved), the whole thing is kinda funny.
Not that she’s going to tell Lucy that.
Her youngest agent is sitting at her own desk, facing towards Jane, hands clutched nervously in her lap as she studiously avoids the gazes of, you know, everyone . Jesse’s leaning against his desk, the critical eyes of a dad focused on his unofficially adopted daughter/little sister - and yes, that is just as weird a combo as it sounds like, but for all its weirdness, it’s also accurate - and Jane can practically hear the ‘I’m not mad at you, I’m just… disappointed’ dripping off of him.
Kai is over at his own desk, fidgeting - in the most obviously bullshit way - with a stack of case reports, as if he’s suddenly entirely focused on catching up on paperwork. He can take a dressing down with the best of them as long as he’s the one getting scolded. When it’s anyone else, it’s more likely that he’ll find some ridiculous and patently insane excuse to be anywhere else.
When Jane lets him. Which, in this case, she’s not .
Kate is sat at the empty desk right behind Lucy’s and, for the first time Jane can remember since Whistler became Kate , she can’t read the blonde at all. It’s not like it was when DIA Whistler came in hot with all of the red tape she could find; it’s more like she’s intentionally schooling her features, doing her damndest to not jump in and defend Lucy in what is clearly not her fight.
And then there’s Ernie. He’s perched right on the edge of Lucy’s desk, looking back and forth from her to Jesse to Jane to Kai to Kate and back again. As the only one who wasn’t… there , he’s at a complete loss, which is his least favorite place to be, especially when his most favorite agent is the one in trouble. Jane’s guessing he’s got another thirty seconds, a minute tops , before he blows.
She’s almost tempted to let him.
But… that’s her job, even in what amounts to the most ridiculous set of circumstances since the time she caught Jesse cheating at trashball. Jane shakes her head, mentally cursing Leroy Jethro Gibbs for never telling her that being a SAC involved policing… children.
Eventually, there’s no more prolonging the inevitable and Jane has to bite the bullet and play the bad cop and yes, she is going through every cliche in the book as a means of stalling . “Lucy…” she starts and it’s impossible to miss the way the Lucy almost jumps out of her seat as the silence is broken. “Do you know what you’ve done?”
“Yes, boss.”
Jane feels Ernie’s gaze that’s damn near a glare burning a hole in her - Lucy knows what she did, but he’s still in the dark - and she pushes just a little further. “Do you understand how important camaraderie and a sense of cooperation between all our agencies and the military is?”
“I do, boss.”
Well, of course , she does. If there was one lesson Jane knows Lucy’s learned it’s that one as she knows she isn’t the only one to remember ‘I need a word. Not you. Her .’ and the reading upside down debacle.
Still… Lucy may know it but she “didn’t show that, today. Your actions were embarrassing and not just for you, as you were out there representing NCIS and by extension, all of your teammates.” Lucy manages a nod but doesn’t say anything. “Because of you, our entire agency is now excluded from one of this base’s most hallowed traditions.”
Ernie can’t take it any more, slapping a hand down on Lucy’s desk. “Will someone please tell me what the hell happened ?”
Kai looks at Jesse and Jesse looks at Jane and Jane looks at Kate and Kate looks off into space like if she doesn’t make eye contact, she might turn invisible.
It’s Lucy who answers him. "I killed Lloyd from Fraud. Figuratively speaking..."
For what has to be the first time in the entirety of their relationship, Jane sees Ernie completely at a loss for words.
She sighs, leaning back in her chair. “Yes, you did. If by ‘killed’, you mean you shot her nine times while her back was turned and she was on your team .” Jesse coughs to cover a laugh and Jane can see the blush creeping across Kate’s cheeks. “Thanks to you, Agent Tara , NCIS is now banned from the annual Pearl Harbor Interagency Paintball Competition. Banned, Lucy. We’re persona non grata with every one of the agencies we were supposed to be bonding with because you got jealous. ”
Got jealous and put nine paintballs into Alison Lloyd’s back at damn near point blank range and Jane’s been stabbed and shot and tortured - and she’s eaten Kate’s version of carrot cake which ought to be outlawed under the Geneva Convention - and yet even she winces at the thought of the bruises Agent Lloyd is going to be rocking for days .
All because she committed the cardinal (and unforgivable) sin of… well… looking .
“In my defense,” Lucy says, pausing ever so briefly to consider whether she should actually attempt a defense at all before figuring in for a penny, may as well blame the victim. “Lloyd was looking at Kate.”
See? Looking.
Surprisingly, it’s Kai who interjects. “Well… yeah. That’s what someone does when they’re trying to line up a shot on the other team’s best player,” he says. “They look .”
Ernie glances at Kate, somewhat taken aback at this new detail. She shrugs. “I was voted MVP and Best Marksman last year.”
She leaves the ‘unanimously’ unsaid and Jane has to bite her tongue to not toot her best friend’s horn, in part because she’s legitimately worried that might set Lucy off again .
For her part, Lucy is undeterred by Kai’s seemingly unassailable logic. “I was right behind her, Kai,” she says, which is kinda stating the blatantly obvious , what with the whole shot in the back at close range of it all. “I saw where Lloyd was looking. She was lining up a shot? I mean, I guess that’s possible if FLETC is now teaching that proper technique is to aim for center mass of a target’s ass .”
Spoiler alert: They’re not .
Kate’s blush is only getting worse and Ernie looks like he’s about ready to make some popcorn and settle in for the show and Jane’s biting her tongue - hard - to keep from laughing at Lucy’s righteous indignation.
Jesse, on the other hand, has a theory . “Maybe she was looking… there,” he says and Jane barely holds back the urge to give him a ‘ not helping ’ nudge. “But Lucy, you gotta do the geometry.”
It takes Jane less than a beat to realize where he’s going with this and oh… shit .
Jesse stands up straight, holding his hands out at arm’s length but different heights. “Kate was standing on a hill,” he says. “And Ali’s even shorter than you,” he shifts one hand higher and the other lower. “At that angle… I’d say Kate’s ass was probably right level with Ali’s face and…” He trails off, noticing Lucy glaring at him and Kai hiding his mouth behind his hand and the look of abject horror on Kate’s face. “I think I’m gonna stop talking now.”
Best idea he’s had all day.
As funny as it all is (and it really is ), there’s a sort of serious underlying issue: Lucy’s rampant, fiery, and sometimes uncontrollable jealousy and Jane says as much, holding up a hand to quell Lucy’s immediate attempt at a protest. “Lucy, you went off on Heather at Thanksgiving dinner for trying to, and I’m quoting, ‘share your girlfriend’s wishbone’.”
It made more sense at the time.
(No, it really didn’t .)
Once Kai has regained his composure, he chimes in. “And last month, you almost ripped Hina’s head off for slipping Kate extra hash browns at my dad’s restaurant.” Lucy starts to argue (again) but then she falls silent when she remembers how that turned out.
Kate had ordered the ‘extra’ hash browns because she knew Lucy would steal hers.
(She did.)
Then Ernie finally has something to contribute to the conversation. “Let’s not forget the very dramatic way you stormed out of my dinner party because you were convinced that ‘giving Agent Whistler the recipe for good carrot cake’ was CC’s code for ‘slipping Kate my number so she and I can arrange a little meet up at the morgue’.”
The less said about that one, the better.
Given her and Kate’s history - on and off and on and way way way off and, you know, Cara - it’s not really a surprise to anyone that Lucy might have some trust/jealousy issues. But it’s getting out of hand. “What you need to realize, Lucy,” Jane says, “is that not every woman on base… or on Oahu … is a lesbian or a bisexual or fascinated with your girlfriend’s ass.”
Jane pauses, knowing she should leave it there, but Lucy deserves a little… punishment .
“Even if,” Jane says, “your girlfriend’s as is , you know, top shelf .”
(She always knew those Wynonna Earp marathons with Kate would pay off.)
It is the top shelf straw that breaks the camel’s back, as it were, and none of them can hold back anymore, not even Lucy. They laugh till they cry, sharing other stories of Lucy’s somewhat less than rational jealous streak when it comes to Kate - she cops to all of it, though she still insists that Pike has almost as big of a crush on Kate as he does on Jesse - before Jane ushers them all out. “Go home, enjoy what’s left of your weekends. I’ll see you all Monday.”
The team shuffles out one by one until it’s just Kate, Lucy, and Jane. “Why don’t you go grab the car, my sweet,” Kate whispers, “I’ve just gotta run something by Tennant.” Lucy nods and heads off for the lot, a thought of swinging by Fraud to see if Ali Lloyd is there and in a mood for an apology swirls through her mind before she dismisses it.
She was looking and Lucy knows it.
Kate follows Jane into her office, ostensibly to thank her for not being too hard on Lucy. Once inside, she glances back over her shoulder to make sure that they’re alone and then she shuts Jane’s office door for good measure. “You know what the funniest part of all this is?” she asks, a conspiratorial glint in her eye.
“What?” Jane asks, almost afraid to hear the answer.
Kate smirks. “When I first transferred to the FBI and Lucy and I were still broken up?” The smirk grows to a full Cheshire Cat grin. “Ali Lloyd asked me out. That woman is a raging lesbian.”
Jane leans against her desk, head in her hands - a pattern is emerging - before swearing that she’ll never breathe a word of it to Lucy.
Bestie Code and all that.
She grabs her keys and heads for the door. “Come on,” she says, “let’s get out of her before Lucy starts wondering if we’ve decided to be less platonic soulmates.”
Kate follows her outside, spotting Lucy waiting by the curb. She and Jane share a quick hug - and if you’d told Kate a year ago that that would be a thing, she’d have thought you were out of your damn mind - and head off in different directions, but Kate only gets a couple steps before turning back towards Jane.
She calls out, “Hey, Jane,” waiting until her best friend looks back before nodding… downward. “For the record? Top shelf, Tennant. Top shelf.”
Kate slips into the car even as she hears the groan and feels the jealousy boiling over in her girlfriend from behind the wheel but she really doesn’t mind, in fact she kind of… likes it.
After all, Kate remembers quite clearly what happened the day after Thanksgiving and the afternoon of the hash browns and the morning following the dinner party, all of the different ways she found to… soothe that savage beast of Lucy’s jealousy.
And an hour later, when Lucy’s moaning ‘top fucking shelf’ over and over again - when she’s even capable of speech, that is - Kate can’t help but think that maybe a little jealousy?
It’s a good thing.