Chapter Text
Beth stood in the bathroom, looking in the mirror at her reflection. Ugly sweaters were Carol’s idea, she said it would be cute for the kids since it was the day before Christmas Eve. The bright red sweater that had Santa Claus smiling from ear to ear with tacky bows and bells. It was ugly and stupid
She had worn her hair up in a messy bun and had fake pearl earrings in. She had even worn foundation, blush and mascara. Her cheeks hurt from forcing so many smiles today and remembering to make herself laugh when the time felt appropriate.
Feeling a wave of disgust at how ridiculous it was to wear makeup, what was she thinking? Turning away from the mirror she reached into the shower and turned the water on as hot as it would go.
Then she stripped off her boots, the only practical thing she had on. Then the tight black leggings that she had no business wearing today. Leggings were not appropriate for an apocalypse and would provide no protection if the shit hit the fan in this god forsaken place.
She folded them neatly and sat them on the counter beside the sink before stepping into the shower and standing under the hot water.
Some hings she would never let herself get used to. Clean clothes that weren't stained with walker blood and did not reek of body odor. Hot water that didn't have to be warmed over a fire. Washing her hair with shampoo and conditioner when it wasn't mated and tangled. Not having to check her scalp for ticks. Having body wash that smelled like the beach, a mix of floral, coconut and lime.
That smell reminded her of highschool and being excited for dances and hanging out with her friends. The way she would take hours to get dressed in her cutest clothes and wear the perfume she had gotten for her sixteenth birthday from her mother.
Those friends that were all dead now. The boys that she danced with at prom were dead too. Jimmy, who kissed her freshman year at the homecoming football game. Her very first kiss that tasted like the minty gum he was chewing. He was dead and gone as well.
She would never get used to day dreaming and having the time to daydream. Feeling comfortable enough to let her mind wander and not be on high alert all time.
Even here in Alexandria where everyone was trying to convince each other that it was safe she was always watching and wanting for something to go wrong
Beth knew it was only a matter of time before they would need to run again. Just like the farm, the prison and the funeral home. She would dare not let herself think of the funeral home or of Daryl. That conversation they had before she was taken to Grady was a long forgotten memory.
She washed quickly scrubbing the silly makeup off her face and got out of the shower. Grabbed a towel and dried off. She was tired, which was another thing she wouldn't let herself get used to. Being tired from not doing anything strenuous instead being tired from baking cakes and cookies and from peeling potatoes and cutting onions all day with Carol and Maggie. Not running or fighting walkers.
She was mostly mentally tired from pretending everything would be ok. That the mashed potatoes, green bean casserole and gingerbread cookies they prepared would be eaten peacefully with their family tomorrow for Christmas Eve dinner. That the children would open their gifts on Christmas morning and that there would be no walker breach or that no one would come by to their community and want what they had. That no one would be killed or bitten or taken away. Forcing herself to be hopefully at least for the children, for Judith and Carl and for her sister’s baby that would come in a few months.
Beth brushed her hair and teeth. Then dressed into a pair of thick grey sweatpants and a long sleeve black shirt. She gathered her things and left the bathroom. Walking into the living room where some of the adults were celebrating the holiday by sharing a bottle of wine and playing a card game. Beth tried to not let their laughter and carefree attitudes bother her and could only hope there was someone with some sense on watch duty tonight.
She scanned the room. Daryl was not there and his bedroom door was closed.
No one had even noticed Beth standing there except Carol who was staring at her. Carol gave her a sad smile and mouthed good night. Beth waved to her and headed upstairs to her bedroom.
The house had four official bedrooms, six if you counted the attic which was turned into two rooms. Tara, Eugene, Rosita and Abraham shared that space. Although Tara spent most nights with Denise. Her bedroom was on the second floor beside Rick and Michonne’s room and Carol's. Carl and Judith were set up in a bonus room which was a playroom in another lifetime.
Beth insisted on being near Judith since the beginning, so she could help take care of her. It gave her something to do and kept her mind busy.
Then downstairs was Maggie and Glenn and Daryl stayed in an office space off of the living room.
He mostly just slept there. Spending most of his time hunting outside the walls or on runs with Aaron. He kept himself pretty busy just by avoiding her.
Beth stopped at the playroom to check on Judith. The large curtain was pulled that divided the room and Carl was asleep in his bed on the other side. Judith was asleep in her crib wearing a red and black plaid fleece sleeper. Beth felt herself smile, one that was genuine. She readjusted the thin blanket over the sleeping toddler before walking out of the room.
She made it to her own room and shut the door. She took the presents off her bed and laid them in the floor. They had been left there earlier when she had made the excuse that she needed to finish her wraping. Really just needed a break from Carol.
She had made the gifts over the last few months. Blankets she had attempted to quilt from scraps of fabric from old clothes for Maggie’s baby and for Judith. Crocheted hats, canned pickles made from her small garden in the backyard this summer. Some jellies made from wild blackberries she had found. All skills learned from paying attention during summers spent with her Grandma Greene.
Beth crawled into her bed and attempted to go to sleep. As tired as she was, sleep would not come no matter how much she tossed and turned. The conversation with Carol she had earlier today was still heavy on her mind.
Today had been spent in the kitchen with Carol and Maggie. Mostly Carol since Maggie had to take so many breaks to go lay down on the couch. Maggie’s little baby bump was barely visible but she was enjoying the extra attention she got since finding out she was pregnant. Everyone was telling her not to wear herself out and to take it easy, so that is what she did most of the time.
When Beth was elbow deep in cookie dough Carol decided to bring up Beth’s love life or lack of one rather.
“How was your date with Spencer?” Carol asked her as she rummage through the cabinets looking for vanilla flavoring.
Beth felt her face turning red. Spencer had been asking her out on a date ever since they had moved in and she had finally agreed a week ago. He was beyond excited to take her out. Beth not so much but she had decided she had nothing to lose at this point.
“It was fine,” Beth said. “I think we need more flour,” going back to the cookies and trying to immediately change the subject.
“Just trust the process,” Carol said, adding vanilla to her cake mix. “Keep mixing! What did y'all do on your date?”
Beth made a face. Carol knew what she was doing, trapping her from running from this conversation with cookie dough all over her hands.
Carol poured her cake mixture in a pan and put it in the oven. Then stirred the potatoes on the stove before looking at Beth wanting answers.
“He made a picnic dinner and we sat by the pond. Then he pulled out a bottle of tequila and tried to get me drunk,” Beth said with a hint of sarcasm.
“Really?” Carol said shocked.
Beth sighed. “No, I don't think that was his intentions. He was just trying to be nice.”
Spencer was nice enough. It was nearly dark when he came by to pick her up that night. They had walked to the pond and he had brought a blanket for them to sit on.
He had taken the time to make a pasta dinner. It was a little cold by the time they ate it but he had tried really hard. The cake his mother made was better than the pasta but Beth did not tell him that. He wanted to look at the pond and talk about the future of Alexandria. How he was going to make it better and his plans to raise a family here.
Maybe it would have been romantic before the end of the world but Beth found it to be annoying and unrealistic to sit and talk about a future that would never exist. He pulled out the tequila from his bag and drank it straight from the bottle before passing it to her. Beth took a sip and made a face. She declined when he offered her more.
“This has been nice Beth. We should do it again. I'm glad your friend told me to not give up on you,” Spencer said.
“What do you mean? Which friend are you talking about?” Beth asked him confused.
“Daryl, he said I should keep asking you. I would have given up a long time ago if it wasn't for him,” Spencer said.
Beth was dumbfounded. Why would Daryl tell him that? Spencer leaned in and tried to kiss her. Beth let him kiss her on the cheek before jumping up and telling him that she felt sick. She excused herself and walked back home, crying.
Even after all that, Spencer still tried to talk to her all week.
“Well, did you get drunk?” Carol asked, snapping her back to reality.
“No,” Beth replied. She stared at her cookie dough and tried to shape it into small balls.
“Maybe you should have. Being a little tipsy, sure sounds relaxing to me,” Carol said, handing Beth a cookie tray.
“Beth, I know you are stressed.” Carol looked at her knowingly.
Beth shrugged her shoulders. “I'm trying, you know that right? At least I'm trying.”
Carol reached over and put her hand on Beth’s shoulder. “I know honey, and you're going to be just fine. I promise. Just keep trying and soon you will find yourself not trying at all and just doing. You know, living, being happy. It will come.” She said smiling.
Beth went back to the putting cookies on the pan and Carol went to the sink to work on washing some dishes.
“He said Daryl told him to ask me out.” Beth said quietly.
Carol stopped washing and let a plate she was holding drop back into the soapy water. She turned back towards Beth. “Spencer said that?”
Beth nodded yes.
Carol sighed. “Did you ask Daryl about it?”
“No, I haven't spoken to him,” Beth replied.
“You should talk to him,” Carol said.
“There is nothing to talk about. He doesn't want to talk to me,” Beth said, putting the cookies in the oven and walking over to the sink. She washed her hands.
“Beth, you know I was with him in Atlanta. He was like a mad man trying to find you,” Carol said.
“He looks for people, he is a tracker. He would have done that for anyone of us,” Beth said.
“I saw his face when Noah told him where you were.That you were at Grady and that you were alive,” Carol said.
Beth dried her hands on a towel. “It doesn't matter anymore, whoever he was looking for at Grady is gone. He doesn't want anything to do with me anymore.”
“Beth, just talk to him again,” Carol yelled to Beth as she walked away and hid in her room.
*******
Beth pulled the blanket over her head. She hated Carol for even bringing it up. She had accepted that Daryl didn't want to even acknowledge she existed anymore now Carol had opened up the wound again.
Things weren't always like this. Dawn had shot Noah when her family showed up at Grady to rescue them. After all that Daryl would talk to her then. He hugged her when they made it outside of the hospital as she cried for Noah. He would talk to her while they were on the road after the firetruck broke down and all the cars ran out of gas and they had to walk. Their conversations were never anything deep and he never asked her about what happened at Grady. They never talked about what changed his mind about good people still being in this world but he looked after her. He brought her water and gave her part of his ration of food, even after she insisted he eat it. He would always stay close to her without being obvious and would sleep a few spots over from her at night when he wasn't taking watch. He would have her walk in the middle of the group carrying Judy and glance back at her every few minutes like he was afraid she would disappear.
When the group settled down in Alexandria that's when things changed. He started avoiding her and was never around anymore. When she tried to talk to him, he was short with her and even rude. She tried to give him space knowing that this was a big adjustment especially to him. She would do things like make his lunch when he went out on hunts or sit on the front porch swing waiting for him to get home at night. She thought maybe he would talk to her alone and away from the others. However when he would get back and find her sitting outside he would walk past her without saying a word.
Once she had enough, she had called him out over it. One morning she was making breakfast before everyone had woken up and he had come out of his room. She could tell he was surprised to see her in the kitchen. She asked him if he wanted a cup of coffee and he snapped at her about making too much damn noise and stormed out of the house. Beth followed him.
“What is your problem Daryl?” She yelled at him.
He stopped and turned to face her. Then started yelling at her. “I am sick of you following me around like a damn love sick puppy!”
“Following you around, really?” Beth had barely seen him the last few months.
“Yes, I'm done with it, Beth! I don't want your damn coffee, I don’t want you to make me lunch, I don't want you to wait for me out here when I go on runs.” He gestured to the porch. “I can take care of myself and I don't need you trying to baby me. It's bad enough that we have to live in the same house. Just leave me alone!” Daryl said, stomping his foot.
Beth looked him in the face, not backing down. “You want me to leave you alone?”
Daryl closed his eyes and swallowed before yelling again. “Are you stupid? That's what I said ain't it?”
Beth sighed. “Ok, fine then.”
She turned around and walked back into the house and Daryl stayed gone for three days.
They never spoke again.
**********
Beth finally fell asleep.