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There. It was done.
He had revealed his magic to Arthur and everyone he had ever loved. And now they were going to die just like the others. Just like Will. Just like Freya. Like Lancelot. Like Daegal, Finna, Alator. Even Kilgharrah was dying now. It was a wonder Gaius and his mother hadn’t gone yet, though there were several near-misses.
But he had revealed his magic now. And Arthur, the knights and Gwen were going to die too.
His eyes caught on the knife on the table, digging into the map.
Or maybe not. Not if he died first.
He shot towards the dining table and everyone else moved too, probably thinking he was going to escape. In a way, he was. He reached the table first and grabbed the knife.
Arthur, Leon, Percival and Elyan still charged at him.
But then he lifted the blade to his neck.
And they went as still as stone.
Merlin grasped the knife tightly and positioned it right in front of his jugular vein.
No one in the room moved. No one even breathed.
The look of surprise and anger Arthur had was gone, replaced by horror. The red flush on his face was replaced by a pale sheen. Everyone's eyes were now solely on the knife.
"Merlin, what are you—" Arthur croaked. "What are you doing?"
"Cutting myself out of destiny's cruel game," he replied.
"Merlin…" Gwaine said, his hands up in a placating gesture. "Let's talk about this."
Merlin closed the gap and brought the knife to his skin. "No."
"Merlin, please," Gwen implored. "Put the knife down and let's just talk."
Merlin turned to her. "No. Will you want me to live now only to see me burn later?"
"No one wants to see you burn, Merlin!" Leon took a step forward.
Merlin pressed the knife closer, borderline piercing his skin. "Liar."
Suddenly, a hand yanked his arm away and Merlin turned to look at Arthur wrestling the knife away from him. He should have expected it. Arthur and his knights had trained for far too long to know how to move without even speaking. The knights were a distraction while Arthur had crept up.
But Merlin had made up his mind. He bared his teeth in effort and pulled his hand back.
"Let go of the knife, Merlin!" Arthur ordered. "Now!"
"You let go!"
They struggled and Merlin tripped and Arthur landed in front of him. The knife jerked, but Arthur had his hand between it and Merlin’s neck so it cut him instead. That only angered Merlin more and he jerked, nearly managing to yank it out, but it only slipped from both their hands. Elyan, who was the closest, kicked it away.
Rage filled Merlin, adrenaline only fueling it further. He punched Arthur in the jaw and Arthur grabbed his hair. He tried to knee him, but Arthur gave his hair a hard tug.
Merlin rolled, trying to get the upper hand, but Arthur rolled too. They rolled and collided against the table.
"Stop! Both of you, stop!" Gwen shrieked, but neither listened.
"What the hell is wrong with you?" Arthur yelled, trying to restrain him.
"Everything!" he yelled. He twisted and grabbed the hand that was holding his hair and dug his nails into it. "I'm a sorcerer, Arthur. A filthy sorcerer. A monster. A freak. I have magic and I kill with it. I've committed genocide with it. I've watched as people stopped breathing and their hearts stopped beating. I am magic!"
"No!" Arthur yelled. "I refuse to believe that!"
"Then you're a fool, Arthur!" Merlin kicked and kneed him, then he struck his face again.
Arthur grunted and rolled the other way, but Merlin didn't relent, headbutting him, anger igniting his veins on fire.
"Why don't you let me just die!"
"Because we're not fucking done talking!" Arthur growled.
"I fucking am!" Merlin struck him in the same place as before, further bruising his jaw. Spittle flew from the king's mouth with the force and Merlin snarled, baring his teeth.
Then Arthur brought his head up and rammed it down on the ground hard. Merlin gasped and stopped struggling, dazed, as he saw stars spinning in his vision.
"Help me!"
All at once, several hands appeared and pinned him in place.
When the stars cleared, Merlin found each limb and his torso stuck, held in tight grips by the knights with Arthur straddling him and holding down his arms.
Merlin looked up at the face he near-worshipped. He looked up at the man who he had held such devotion, faith and trust in. Who he killed for, almost died for, sacrificed his body and mind and dignity for. Who he thought of as a friend.
It was gone now. Because Arthur knew of his magic and he didn't want to do anything with him now. He didn't want Merlin now.
Merlin had built his whole life around Arthur. Arthur was his purpose.
Now his purpose was gone. And Merlin was determined to be gone with it.
Merlin reached into his magic and his vision blazed gold.
Everyone froze.
"What are you doing?" Arthur asked.
Merlin twisted and contorted his magic, directing it inside him and spreading it out across his body. The beautiful force that he had since birth, the force that was the very essence of his being, the part of himself that he was forced to hide before he could even fully understand it.
Then, he steeled himself and lit up the golden power.
Fire consumed his nerves.
"What are you doing?!" Arthur repeated in panic.
Merlin burned his magic, forcing it to shred his skin, flesh and bones. He ordered it to hurt him with an invisible raging fire powerful enough to kill him and didn't falter even as he screamed in pain. He’d rather die being consumed by his own magic than the nightmare of the pyre.
Magic was only a power and Merlin was its wielder. He had wielded it to end so many people's lives.
And now he was going to end his own.
There were voices around him but Merlin couldn't hear them properly. The pain was too much. He screamed and kept on screaming.
Then, someone pulled their hands away from his ears (oh, when had they let him go?). Merlin didn’t struggle this time, too lost in pain.
But through the pain, a voice niggled its way through to his ear. The voice he had devoted his life to keeping alive.
"Fine. Merlin. Please. I'm sorry. I'm sorry.” It shook. “In reality, I want you to live. I want you to live, Merlin, because I cannot imagine a life without you. Please, Merlin. I need you."
It may have been destiny who forced his hand, but it was his heart that had followed the path to friendship and loyalty.
So when the voice whispered, he listened.
Merlin snapped his eyes open.
His vision stopped glowing gold and the burning pain stopped too.
He looked around at his friends. Various looks of concern and worry clearly shown in them. But no anger. No hatred.
And that’s when he realized… it couldn’t all have been Destiny. Because they didn’t know about the prophecies. Yet, Merlin could now see that they held the same loyalty for him as he had for them. And they had let it open, roam free on their faces for him to see.
Merlin sobbed, then everything went black.