Chapter Text
“...Can you hear me? I’ve been so good, Lord,” The man whispered as he knelt on the church pew, holding back tears that dared to escape from his ducts. “I’ve been doing so well. Why doesn’t it feel good Lord?” His heartbeat was unbearable. It thrummed with a rhythm that was uncomfortable and tight. His breathing was shaky, trying so hard to keep composed. His knees hurt against the soft cushion that nestled his kneecaps. And if he was honest with himself, even with the hoodie that covered his torso down to his thigh, coupled with the sweatpants that should’ve made him sweat, he was cold.
The worst part was that his chest hurt with a pain that was long overdue.
“Why do I have to love a man so unreachable for me, Lord? I- I thought that with enough praying nothing should hurt anymore right? Everything should be fine? Why don’t I feel fine, God?”
And for the first time in a long time, Jeong Yunho was crying.
—
Jeong Yunho was a man of faith. He went to church every Sunday morning, never missing a day unless his work demanded him to be absent from the church, which, to Yunho’s gratefulness, was only about twice a year. He practiced praying every night just before he went to bed. His prayers were never not unique, always about the day he had and whatever he felt during it. Most prayers were of gratitude, but some were of sadness or the worst ones, the days he hated the most, yearning.
Song Mingi was agnostic. He only approached the church whenever he needed something, and even when he went to church, he was never alone. Yunho was always by his side, the taller man ecstatic and giddy whenever they prayed by the same church seats they always sat on when in the church. Even when the two of them were out in a restaurant, Mingi never prayed before eating, opting to just say thank you before he dug into the food in front of him. But Yunho never minded his best friend. He was happy to spend time with Mingi any time he could, no matter his view on faith. As long as they were together, Yunho was happy.
Except the two aren’t together. No matter how many people assumed that the two friends were dating, Yunho would only laugh and brush it off, and Mingi would laugh as well, before slightly retracting from the conversation, an action that would not be obvious to almost everyone except for his best friend. Because that’s all they ever were and ever will be— best friends.
And Yunho was fine with that. He appreciated his friendship with Mingi the most, and he was sure that the other felt the same. He was comfortable with only being a friend to Mingi because apart from his faith, Mingi is what he valued the most. It didn’t matter to Yunho that the slight brushes of their hands made his heart skip a bit, or whenever the younger man was excited and his smile reached his eyes and Yunho just knew that no one else could make him this happy, or when their bodies fell into a rhythm whenever they danced together and Yunho was sure that he never felt this with other people, he was fine.
Now though, Yunho was everything but.
He wasn’t sure how the situation became like this. His mind was fuzzy and his thoughts were tired. He just needed to be comforted, and one of the two things that made him feel safe certainly wasn’t comforting him. It felt as if his words were left unheard, and the pain in his chest was still throbbing inside him. Just a few hours ago, he had been a happy man with his best friend, until Mingi brought an entire storm inside the apartment they were in and struck Yunho’s heart with a lightning bolt.
Yunho could only focus on a sentence that had been ringing in his head since that interaction.
“You know… I’ve been thinking about this and I really want you to know now… I have a boyfriend… I’d like you to meet him, Yunho.”
And it took almost no time for Yunho to panic internally. As Mingi’s words rang through his mind, Yunho’s world crashed down on him. It was as if his brain cells short circuited and nothing could fix it. Pathetically, he panicked and just smiled, muttering, “Yeah… I’d love that some time.” Yunho’s emotions were a mess, and he didn’t know whether to feel jealous, or angry, or sad, or happy that Mingi smiled at him and hugged him before replying, “I’m sure you’ll love him, Yuyu. You’re practically the same person! You share the interests, is what I’m saying.”
After cleaning up the place, Mingi left him goodbye, but it didn’t feel like the other byes they exchanged before. Yunho felt as if a part of him was being ripped away from his entire being. Mingi was leaving for the night, but to Yunho, it felt like he was leaving his side forever. And Yunho didn’t know how to cope with that fact, so he ran to the place he knew would give him some semblance of comfort, be it little or temporary.
That’s how Yunho ended up on the bus at ten in the evening, trying his best not to let his emotions get the better of him and make him a crying wreck in front of his fellow passengers. After going down from the bus and reaching the church, he thanked the guard that knew him like family to let him in at this time of the night. The guard gave him a knowing look and just told him to call out if he was exiting the church. With all he could, Yunho smiled, even if he knew that the guard knew he was
Inside was the all-familiar place that Yunho called his second home. He was close friends with the regular priests and even got asked a lot of times if he would like to do service for the church. Yunho always refused, always replying that others deserved the spot better and that he was simply a faithful man. He never got pushed to make the decision, and he was grateful for it.
Walking felt sluggish, Yunho’s entire body pleaded for him to go back to his apartment so he could go back to bed and sleep the heartache away. His mind begged the opposite, telling him that he needed to do this or else he would combust from the emotions he was dealing with. He settled for something in the middle, kneeling immediately at the first church pew he could reach. Then, everything Yunho felt was even ten times worse. Tears threatened to make its presence known. Everything was heavy.
All Yunho could ask was, “Lord, can you hear me…?”
—
Yunho felt something nudge him from his slumber. Groggily, he opened his eyes to a bright smile that he swore was his best friend’s. The voice that came out from the man proved otherwise though, and Yunho could finally remember what had just happened.
“Sir, not to be invasive and ruin your sleep but… it had been thirty minutes since you entered here… I found you sleeping and I just had to make sure you weren’t dead or anything. Are you okay?” The guard was gentle with his words, and he surely didn’t mean to lace his words with poison, but it sure didn’t feel like it.
Is he okay?
How is he going to move through his day knowing that his best friend, the man he has loved ever since the day they met, the one he swore his loyalty to until the day they died and even in the afterlife, the same exact person he considered his lifeline, loves someone else?
Yunho must’ve stared off because the guard shook him again, asking “Are you okay?” Yunho could only smile weakly and reply with an even weaker yes. If the guard knew he was lying, he surely didn’t show it.
“I’ll leave now. Thank you for waking me up.” Yunho said as he stood from where he was kneeling. Adding his already tired body with the position he was stuck in for nearly forty minutes made him lose his balance and cling onto the seats. “Just stressed and tired, that’s all.” Concerned as he was, the guard certainly didn’t question further and just led the man toward the exit. Yunho thanked him again after leaving the premises and making his way back to the bus stop.
The walk back from where Yunho dropped off to his apartment was even more excruciating. It took absolutely everything in him to not sit at the benches along the way and cry his eyes out. After reaching the door to his place, it became even harder for him to feel better.
Mingi was just here an hour ago. His scent still filled the room, the strawberry perfume and the cherry detergent he used on his clothes still made Yunho feel nauseous, when it was otherwise his favorite scent. It still felt as if his laugh echoed across the room, and the storm he brewed an hour ago was still there, if not stronger. Now, everything was the way Mingi left it, and it made Yunho sick.
For the second time that night, Yunho cried again.
He didn’t know what time he woke up, but when he did, Yunho woke up on his bed. He couldn’t remember his dream– he never could. He just always woke up either energized or sad. His clothes were still the same as the night before, and he could smell the tears and sweat that mixed up with it. He guessed that he walked his way down his hall onto his bed where he fell asleep, but when he heard clanging from the kitchen, he jolted awake with panic in his bloodstream.
Who was in the kitchen and how did they get in? were the only questions that rang through his mind. Armed with absolutely nothing but his fists and a quick prayer to God asking for his protection, Yunho quietly walked up to the source of the noise, and how he wished he didn’t.
The man Yunho just cried about last night was in front of him cooking something. And when he turned around, he smiled.
“Yuyu! You’re awake, finally! It’s one in the afternoon already!” Mingi rushed over to the man in a sweater, hugging him all happily. Yunho was almost glad Mingi doesn’t know what just transpired last night, but a part of him wished he was at least aware that he was the cause of his internal turmoil from the night before, possibly for years.
The hug was comforting but suffocating. Yunho needed this hug, but he loathed it all the same. A hug from Mingi was all he wished for back then, but now all it did was make his heart crack from either guilt, or sadness, or both. Yunho gingerly pushed him away, asking Mingi with a bitter tone in his voice, “What are you doing here?” It took everything in him to not bash his head to the wall when Mingi flinched a little from his voice and frowned.
“I called you a bunch of times because you know it’s sunday-funday with my bestie! You didn’t respond so I got here and when I opened the door, which by the way you forgot to lock, I saw you lying on the floor! I carried you all the way back to your bed thank you very much, and now I’m making lunch for the both of us!” Mingi tried to conceal the concern and curiosity in his tone, but he couldn’t fool Yunho. He knew the man all too well.
Yunho wanted to say so many things.
He wanted to thank Mingi for carrying him all the way back to his bed when he could’ve just left him sleeping on the floor even though he knew he would never do that.
He wanted to beg Mingi to stay away from him, to let him move on peacefully.
He wanted to scream at Mingi and ask him why he didn’t choose him, his best friend of years.
He wanted to cry at Mingi and tell him what he felt at that moment.
Yunho wanted to say all of these, but he chose to say nothing and simply walk to the bathroom silently, not muttering a word to the other man in the room. If Mingi protested, Yunho didn’t see it.
He stripped down to nothing and stepped into the shower and as the water ran down his face, Yunho cried for the third time in 24 hours.
Once Yunho got out of the bathroom and got dressed in more comfortable clothes, he reluctantly went to the kitchen area, where he saw Mingi sitting before the dinner table and two meals in front of him, one obviously meant for Yunho himself. It hurts. He’s too caring.
Yunho reluctantly approached the table, being carefully observed by the other man. It felt suffocating to be observed this close. It’s as if time itself slowed down. Uncomfortable.
Step. Mingi was staring directly at Yunho’s eyes, a teary-eyed, regretful and guilty pair of eyes met another filled with questioning, care, and love. Platonic love.
Step. Mingi shifted his gaze to Yunho’s torso, and he suddenly felt naked under his stare. The loose shirt felt stuffy and loose at the same time. He didn’t know what Mingi was looking at anyways. Yunho made sure to be clean and well-presented. He felt dirty.
Step. Mingi’s eyes moved to Yunho’s feet, ever so still, ever so reluctant. He was scared to come close to the man seated in front of him. He was so afraid of doing something he might regret later on. He couldn’t bear to be hurt anymore. He continued to walk toward him anyways.
Step. Mingi looked directly at Yunho’s eyes again, and he simply stood up from where he was and led Yunho to his seat before muttering something so soothing yet so frightening. “Let’s eat first before we talk, hmm? You look exhausted. I made beef salpicao, I hope you like it.” His smile was so blinding.
Yunho couldn’t help but nod along and sit down. As per practice, Yunho did the sign of the cross and muttered a short prayer, and like other times, Mingi simply bowed his head out of respect, not to God himself, but to Yunho– or so he thinks.
“Lord, thank you for the meal you have given us today. We appreciate the hard work that countless people have done in order to provide us with the sustenance we have before us. Thank you.”
The two of them nodded and Mingi smiled at Yunho as he served himself half a cup of rice and a good enough portion of beef salpicao. He hadn’t eaten anything like this meal before, but he was willing to try anything if it meant that Mingi himself was the one who learned and cooked this recipe.
“I hope you’ll find the recipe good. My boyfriend taught me how to cook it, and this is my first time trying it without his assistance.”
Yunho almost choked as he heard Mingi say a casually heartbreaking line. It took everything not to be obvious and just continue as if his soul didn’t shatter into a million pieces. He nodded and gave the other man a fake amused look, before mustering everything he could in him to make a joke, “It tastes bad. You suck at cooking.”
Mingi shot him an offended look that elicited a slight chuckle to the conflicted man. “Is it really that bad?!”
Cute. This is sickening.
Yunho could only shrug as he took another bite, “Could be better. Too salty.” He said as he chugged the water Mingi poured for him seconds ago.
“Thought this was less than enough salt actually… Chan’s always a sucker for salty food so I guess I should’ve considered that…” Mingi pouted as he took a bite of his own portion. “Oh this IS salty!” He exclaimed before chugging down water from his own glass.
The two shared chuckles, but one was empty and had no real happy emotions behind it.
Chan… that was his name. Pretty. Different from mine in every way. His was simple to say– only a single syllable. Easy to remember and shout to. What a pretty name.
Yunho would’ve found the name an actually beautiful name if it didn’t mean it was Mingi’s boyfriend’s name. He’s really jealous now, huh? The sharp pain forming in his heart was making its presence known again, and his legs were weakening by the second. Yunho could only remain even quieter as he finished his food.
“Put it on the sink! I’ll handle it, just go pick a movie or something.” Yunho couldn’t argue with that. He couldn’t handle standing up for a long time anyways. His legs were so close to giving out. Tears were threatening to escape his eye ducts again. He managed to reach the sofa in the living room just in time before he actually gave out, and he was already famished even though he literally just ate.
As he turned the TV on, he could hear water running and ceramics clanging against each other. It was so tempting to look into Mingi’s direction, hoping that he was already looking at him, but Yunho decided against it. His heart couldn’t handle anything anymore and they had to watch a movie together. The best he could do was put a physical barrier between the two of them to keep his sanity from dwindling further. Perhaps an emotional barrier could work as well.
The movies were either already watched or boring (at least to the reviews online and to Yunho’s knowledge of movies), so it took the two of them the same time to finish washing the dishes and to choose the movie they were going to watch. As Mingi sat beside him, he glanced at the pillows in the middle of the sofa, but didn’t make a remark on it. “So, what’s the title of this movie?” Mingi’s voice was as soothing as ever, but the poison in them was present even though there was no intent to lace it. Yunho could sleep just by listening to Mingi speak about anything and everything, but his dreams would be plagued by guilt.
“Past Lives. Heard it’s good.” Yunho came up with a sufficient enough reply, hoping it would be enough for Mingi to not ask any more questions. And thankfully, he didn’t.
As the movie continued, the two did not share any more exchanges, and no one even dared to talk. Yunho was sure he could see Mingi fidgeting every other minute trying his best to come up with something so he could ask him if anything was wrong, but Yunho was probably only being optimistic that Mingi cared about him enough.
The space between them was physically small, but it felt like there was a giant chasm between the two, and no bridge could ever connect them– but Mingi was trying. Yunho could distantly see him build a bridge out of sticks and rope as best as he could, and Yunho couldn’t help but make an even bigger distance between the two. This was for the better. Mingi shouldn’t have to make an effort to make sure that Yunho’s doing fine.
“Are you okay?” And Yunho’s walls came down as fast as he built them. He wasn’t even sure how to answer the question. He was sure he was not fine at all. He had been doing horrible since yesterday, possibly since he met Mingi all those years ago. He was never fine to begin with. Years of pining were crashing down on him now.
Yunho stuttered out a pathetic, “Y- Yeah. Just tired, that’s all.” Which wasn’t a lie. But Mingi thought otherwise, and that just made Yunho become annoyed, even though he knew that he had no right to be.
“You know you can talk to me right? I’ll always listen…” Mingi reassured him with a shy smile, and Yunho wanted to do nothing but cry at the sight of his best friend’s face. He’s perfect, in every sense of the word. As different as they are in their way of life, in their actions, their faith– Yunho wanted to be one with Mingi, but he knew he couldn’t. Not before, and never now.
“I don’t wanna talk about it… Just… Can you leave?” Yunho was so close to snapping. He was doing everything not to shout at his best friend, but Mingi just had to know how to push his buttons, as much as he both loved it before and hated it now.
“Yunho, please! You’ve been acting so differently since this morning! Just let me know what’s going on!” Snap.
“Mingi! Just fucking leave me alone!” Mingi flinched, and God it hurts to see him hurt. “Let me be! I can’t be with you right now, if it isn’t fucking obvious!” Stop. Please stop. Tears were streaming down his face. His voice was trembling and his heart hurt the same– no, an even worse hurt than yesterday.
“God, just leave me alone right now please!” Don’t leave me alone. I can’t handle losing you. I need you.
Mingi was shaking. A pained expression painted over his beautiful face just seconds before. He was hurt. Yunho hurt him. All because he just had to be in love with him.
Mingi was about to open his mouth when Yunho’s arm and hand betrayed his logic. He raised his arm to point at the front door of his apartment. Before he could even just take a deep breath and think clearly, his words hammered the final coffin that made Mingi sob too. His face was still so pretty like this, but it hurt Yunho all the same. “Leave. Please. I can’t stand your face. I can’t stand to be with you.”
And with that, Mingi just choked out a sob and nodded, before grabbing his things, getting up from the sofa where they were sitting from and heading to the door. Don’t open the door, please. Don’t leave me here.
Mingi opened the door and closed it without even looking back to Yunho. He was all alone now, just as he wished he was. He started hurting even more, just as he anticipated he would be. He continued crying, just as he was crying before.
His stifled sobs echoed through the empty apartment well into the night. He was tired, exhausted even– not sleepy though. He knew he should’ve eaten dinner by now, but he couldn’t find the strength in him to get off of the same spot he was on the sofa since Mingi left him.
His emotions were an even greater wreck than last night; he just couldn’t pinpoint whether he was feeling guilty, regretful, sad, or bitter about what happened a while ago. He knew he shouldn’t have said those hurtful words to Mingi, especially when he had been nothing but a great– the best friend Yunho could ever have. He knew what he felt was valid because the working part of his brain knew that dating someone “exactly” like your best friend was borderline disrespectful, but Yunho never really confessed his feelings that he could feel disrespected now.
He had every right to feel all these things but none at the same time.
His phone had been buzzing since lunchtime, but he never really bothered to check it. It was probably Wooyoung or Jongho asking him about their group project in the class and he did not want to deal with that right now. The back of his mind told him to at least check Wooyoung’s message though, as he was the “closer” friend that Yunho had with the three.
Reluctantly, he picked up his phone and was immediately bombarded with Wooyoung and Jongho’s questions just as he expected. There were a few from Hongjoong– Mingi’s other close friend, and Seonghwa, his boyfriend. That made his blood run cold, and he decided to swipe the notification out of his view to calm himself down. Wooyoung chose to check at Wooyoung’s messages first, which ranged from questions about the project to more personal ones.
Aa Wooyoung
heyyyyyy
just wondering abt the project
could u help me with this???
helloooooo
yunhoooooooooo
i’m messaging jongie if u don’t reply in 5 mins
fine u leave me no choice
are u ok??
reply to me if u see this message ok?
remember to eat ur dinner
The messages stopped there, just three hours ago. Yunho felt glad that at least someone cared about his well being. Mingi cared more, but you shoved him away. He was thinking of a reply when Wooyoung chatted again, and he could almost hear his voice through his text messages.
Aa Wooyoung
you’re alive
did u eat?? wna call???
Yunho immediately replied with a yes just to assure Wooyoung. Mingi would’ve known he was lying. He felt bad about not telling the truth to his friend, but he would feel even worse to admit that he was not feeling well when that’s all that he had been the whole day.
Aa Wooyoung
good good
wna call?
Yunho really appreciated his gestures, but he can’t push Wooyoung away too. He knew he had to talk to someone, but talking felt like the very last thing he should be doing now. He couldn’t fathom talking about his feelings because then the floodgates would open once again and he was worn out. Perhaps he could talk more tomorrow, but not tonight. Tonight was for himself.
Yunhoe
no need, ty woo. maybe tomorrow?
Yunho was holding his breath while waiting for Wooyoung’s reply. He wasn’t even sure why he felt so anxious now. But a simple would love that yunnie, goodnight! eased his anixety. Mingi would’ve pushed for more, and Yunho would give more.
Yunho was about to turn his phone off but a notification caight his eye, and how he wished it didn’t. The ache came back to him just as it left his body seconds ago. His fingers began to tremble slightly and his head was clouded with fucks and shits.
Aa Mingi
Hey. I know what you said wasn’t what you meant, okay? It’s okay. Talk to me whenever you want to, I’ll stay and wait for you.
It was so easy for Mingi to make Yunho feel this much, that all he said were three sentences that any good friend would say and Yunho’s world is upside down once again, just as he had tried his entire afternoon flipping it the right side up. He was so smitten by the man that simplicity got him so worked up to the point of making him start crying again, as if his tears were not already dried out from the hours before.
As Yunho tried to console himself, he found that nothing was working anymore but praying. It was a soothing blanket that made him relieve his pain by hoping that the Lord would make it go away. As nonsensical as that might sound, to Yunho, it was enough to stop him from going dehydrated from his tears.
As his final sobs receded, he managed to finally tear himself from the sofa and to the kitchen where he grabbed a pitcher of water and drank directly from it. It took him an embarrassing short amount of time to chug the whole pitcher down, not noticing just how thirsty he was. Mingi would remind him every few hours to drink water.
When Yunho headed to the bath, he opted for a quick shower that he could swear barely lasted five minutes before he got out, not bothering to do a proper toothbrush routine. He was tired, and his bed was calling him the entire time.
Laying down on top of his bed made him finally, for the first time today, comfortable. It nestled his body just enough to let him almost sink completely while remaining firm and fluffy. His blankets hugged his curves just the right amount, and his pillow made his head go into clouds– the good ones that make you giggle with how soft it is.
For the first time since yesterday, Jeong Yunho was… not crying. He was finally just feeling… fine. Not good, he doesn’t think he could feel good now anymore, but not worse. He was tired, for sure. He felt as if the world drained everything it could drain from him, but now in his bed’s arms, he felt fine. Whatever problem that plagued him a while ago was now swiftly disappearing as his consciousness drifted to sleep. He’ll deal with this next time– possibly tomorrow, but not tonight. Tonight, he was sleeping soundly.