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Nicole wouldn’t consider herself a harsh person. Not really anyway.
She was oftentimes rude, she was mean she was a little more self centered than most people would be able to handle, she was sarcastic and she didn’t take most things seriously. But she wasn’t harsh.
In fact, a lot of her pride was founded on the fact that she could destroy someone without even thinking of raising her voice, violence dripped off her tongue without her having to frown or scowl, her insults never composed of simple mindless curses but carefully crafted and witty assessments of character. She was too smart to be simply harsh.
And yet that didn’t at all explain why she felt the sudden need to learn how to speak a little more softly, a little more honestly. Not too much, she was still herself but she had this urge to polish her edges a little.
It was panic inducing at first, maybe age had started to catch up on her and she wanted to become a nice middle aged lady in a decade and a half or so, that was almost enough to send her into a spiral. Only calming down when she got to work and thankfully had no unconscious need to be nice to any of them excluding Bridgette.
So…nothing weirder than usual.
Nothing weirder than that weekend at least.
Nicole and Ruby had been sleeping together for a few months, it was a long time coming truthfully. Nicole had been eyeing her since Ruby stepped on the bistro, leather jacket pushed to her elbows and showing a tattooed arm, tight black jeans and enough cockiness to make her pause for a second or two.
She learned later that year that flirting with Ruby was an art of its own, she couldn’t be too forward or the only thing she’d get in return was an arched eyebrow and a smirk before she left and she tried to be too subtle Ruby or wouldn’t get it or she’d think she was being a little too hopeful with the subtext.
So she had to work with playful banters, heated gazes and discreet compliments.
It was “This is Ruby, she’s amazing,” for the newbie.
Or, “Ruby, that’s so smart,” when she gave good ideas or just spoke in any of the meetings Terry made them attend.
Sometimes even an, “Oh, you think you’re so good,” that blessedly got her a husked “I’ll show you just how good I am,” and almost left her trembling.
But most of the time, it was her winking at Ruby from the kitchen window and watching how she smirked through the pots and pans; Ruby getting a little closer than usual to light up her cigarette; Nicole taking a little longer to run food just to smirk at Ruby; Ruby, in turn, making sure to brush their fingers when handing her a plate.
They were subtle, discreet, private.
They also weren’t dating.
When they kissed for the first time in that pantry, all Nicole had the strength to think was finally. They left for Ruby's place that night, Nicole slept there with her legs shaking, her lower body so wet she was sure she soaked the sheets and a longtime hunger sated after six orgasms.
She managed to skip the next day, she had to.
Nicole left Ruby’s place before she woke up, not in a panic, there wasn’t anything new with her hooking up with a coworker nor having sex with a woman. This was her usual M.O., when her no longer yearly nights with Brad happened, when she felt like she had to ‘try out’ all the bartends who stepped on the restaurant – with the exception of Deb, though not for the lack of trying. She always had her fun, left and life went on, she went to work and never repeated it unless drunk, re. Brad, or talked about it.
And it was all just harmless fun.
One of the bartenders got a little too attached and the second he mentioned dating, Nicole had a whole monologue about definitely not wanting to be him. He quit not weeks later and now they had Clint.
If anything, the bistro definitely needed him and what Nicole did could be considered overtime, she should’ve been paid.
And that was what made her fully commit to making Trick work for her, which wasn’t particularly hard but she just couldn’t face Ruby, not in front of everyone and having to act like a normal person.
She didn’t know how to do that without embarrassingly blushing like she was eighteen or something equally ridiculous. Nicole noticed she was doomed when she found hickeys in her shoulders and neck and instead of being pissed off because she’d have to wear a scarf, she felt giddy at having a physical reminder of Ruby’s lips on her body. It was disgusting.
The entire day was spent having sudden hot flashes when she remembered anything about those hours.
Breathing picking on her kitchen because she remembered how Ruby bend her over her table and fucked her from behind with three fingers. Lips hot on her neck, mouthing at it and biting her shoulders, dirty words whispered in her ear and the weight of Ruby’s body on her back, pushing her down and keeping her in place, thumb on her clit, zaps of pleasure through her body.
Her hands shook when she tried to drink a beer and watch a stupid reality TV show, her mind throwing her back to the moment Ruby ate her out on her bed. Strong hands pinning her hips down and forcing her to oblige with whatever movement she wanted, tongue flicking her clit in every possible direction, lips sucking the nub in, making her back arch and eyes rolling to the back of her head.
Frustration ebbed from every pore on her body when she tried to take a nap but her shoulders throbbed and she couldn’t help but shakily exhale. A groan on her lips, the ghost of Ruby’s heated touch everywhere in her body, short nails dragging on her skin and the memory of her own fingers buried in Ruby’s pussy, wet velvety walls clenching her hand and pulling her in, her fingers curling and hitting the little patch of skin that made Ruby moan her name and beg for more.
Her hands immediately found themselves on the hem of her pants and she tried not to think too much about it lest she stopped everything and lost sleep over sexual frustration of all things. Nicole liked to pretend she didn’t think of Ruby when she touched her clit, that she didn’t close her eyes and was thrown back to the last night when two of her fingers entered her as roughly as Ruby’s did, when she moaned she totally didn’t let Ruby’s name spill out of her tongue and she certainly didn’t pretend she could still hear the mutters of “Good girl. That’s it, doing so good for me,” in her ear.
She had to spend the entire week trying not to get stupidity flustered around Ruby.
Desire was really a bitch.
One she had absolutely no idea how to tame for the first time since her hormone filled teenage years.
As much as they held on, it was on a Friday night when Nicole's self control snapped and she found herself invading Ruby's smoke break to pull her into a kiss, uncaring about the fact that they were technically out in the open. Her tunnel vision narrowed to the feeling of Ruby's hands on her body and scorching mouth on hers.
And so, ever since then, they started to build something weird.
They never talked about it. About what it meant for them or what it could be, but Nicole hadn’t hooked up with anyone else since that day, not even make out sessions or drunk flirting with strangers in a club caught her attention anymore. There was no reason to, not when she could be having Ruby’s hand pinning her down and fucking her just right with her favorite strap or when she could be grinding on Ruby’s lap while they kissed, rough hands guiding her movement.
There was no reason for her to look for pleasure elsewhere and she knew Ruby shared that feeling, knew by the way she never showed up with hickeys Nicole didn’t make and even the glow and swagger she usually had the night after was always absent when Nicole didn’t spend the night.
But they never even once talked about it and it was just so fucking strange the way she found herself acting a little different with Ruby despite knowing the thing between them was more of a friends with benefits type of thing than a full on relationship.
Do not get her wrong. Nicole had her fair share of relationships, casual and committed, she knew how they worked, knew how to act whenever she was in one. And most importantly, she knew when to run.
It wasn’t that she was scared of commitment, fear was too strong of a word, more like she knew not everyone had what it took to stand her personality for too long and she had been dumped exactly three times before deciding to not take shit anymore. So, she counted exactly four months and the second she started getting annoyed with them being annoying she started the whole “I don’t think we’re right for each other” bullshit.
So, to say she wasn’t new to dating was an understatement, she was good at it, going on cruises with her partners, nights in their apartment, little confessions of affection, planned dates. She excelled at it. But this thing was different.
Not because of Ruby, never her, she was great in all aspects. She never made their time together be solely about sex nor did she complain when it was and Nicole made sure to leave instead of sleeping over, she cooked for them sometimes and even called her up just to taste a new recipe she was trying. Ruby was a gentleman through and through and it made Nicole feel weirdly good, her lips found themselves in a smile more often than not and her chest got fuzzy and warm with the simplest things, like how Ruby pulled the chair for her whenever they had dinner together.
This wasn’t what she was spiraling about.
What truly bugged Nicole was the way she had been acting.
It was the way she learned how to actually reduce the amount of cynicism whenever she bantered with Ruby, it was how she was stupid enough to call her moronic things like baby or darling, it was how she ended up caring more than she maybe should.
A type of care that wasn’t exactly a bad thing, it wasn’t. But it was different and it made her want to frown and stop everything they had been doing until then. Nicole cared, she always did, she cared about Bridgette and got stupidly worried or enraged whenever she mentioned her useless boyfriend taking advantage of her money, she cared about Brad and his off days, sometimes she even cared about Aaron being played on in a way that would truly affect him, she cared about Amber being treated right by Joey.
She cared.
But apparently not like she cared about Ruby having a good day. Or how she cared about Ruby having a good night’s sleep, about Ruby being careful in and off work, or really anything that even remotely associated with Ruby and her overall safety and happiness.
It was ridiculous and it was beginning to drive her insane.
Somewhere along the way she started to have feelings about the time they spent together. Her heart pounded when she even thought about spending time with Ruby doing normal things like buying groceries for dinner and taking a simple walk after closing time. It oftentimes felt like being with Ruby was the only thing she wanted to do. Hell, Nicole found herself excited to go to work because she would be able to see red hair surrounded by flames every once in a while. That didn’t even sound like her.
At one point, it felt like she was learning an entirely different language, one not even she could understand. One that made her sound sweet and considerate to a single person in the whole world, even if she knew she didn’t have to be any of those things, not with Ruby. For some reason, she enjoyed hanging out with Nicole even when she was mean, especially when she was mean.
Ruby liked shit-talking, her gaze almost as judgemental as Nicole’s own, and yet her tongue was less venomous. Ruby was good at knowing when to say something and when to keep her mouth shut, she was incredible when it came to subtly insulting people and using innuendos to talk to them. It was as charming as it was smart.
But Nicole liked to watch her flustered and stutter when she said something a little uncharacteristic, when she spilled a little honey with her usual cyanide, when her eyes fluttered and lashes batted. She swore to herself that it was just that, she liked the ego boost, like the power it gave her when she so often didn’t mind – preferred – submitting herself to Ruby.
Only now the implications of actually enjoying the changes this arrangement had evoked on her made her stop and put a new perspective to this. Because they weren’t dating, they weren’t, Nicole didn’t like Ruby like that.
She didn’t feel her heart beating faster when Ruby showed her dimples in the rarest smiles she had. She didn’t feel giddy and had to let an excited giggle out when Ruby brought her flowers one time just because she saw them and it reminded her of Nicole. She didn’t feel like a main character in a romcom when one of her arms curled on the crook of Ruby’s elbow and she allowed herself to be steered around the busy LA streets. She didn’t feel heat creeping up her face when they were lying in bed after countless blissful orgasms and Ruby’s hand brushed a lock of hair off her face and muttered about how beautiful she was.
She especially didn't swoon when she remembered she was almost never called that; she was hot, she was sexy, she was a bombshell, she was every man’s wet dream. She had been called a temptress, alluring by the older men she bedded, seductive, foxy. But never in her life had she been addressed with the reverence Ruby seldom used, it was kept for their quiet moments, for when they felt the most vulnerable, when it was almost like no one else in the world existed but them.
It was under the moonlight and entangled in the covers before Nicole left that Ruby let out her inner romantic, the one she tried to keep a secret for the life of her, the one she tried to bury many years ago. And according to her, had been successful until Nicole dug up the dirt and pulled her out from six feet under.
A breathed out “You’re breathtaking,” when Nicole finished getting dressed for their weekly night out and she decided to let her hair air dry, the natural waves she had unrestrained by the headband she usually wore or carefully shaped with hot iron.
A muttered “You’re gorgeous,” when they just got back from an exhausting day at work and Nicole wore one of Ruby’s shirts, a booty short and her bare face around the now extremely familiar apartment. Her hair wet from her shower and brown eyes dripping with affection as she paraded like she owned the place.
A whispered “God, you’re so pretty like this,” when she was coming down from an orgasm, breath stuttered, crimson chest and cheeks, feeling sticky all over but incredibly euphoric. Ruby’s fingers still inside her and hot breath in her ear, she always moaned and canted her hips up, could never get enough of Ruby’s attention.
But they weren’t dating, that would be stupid. She was pretty sure Ruby didn’t want her like that, as far Nicole was aware, she wasn’t one for relationships either.
Maybe that was why they worked so well.
Or maybe the truth was, she actually was into Ruby like that and was unconsciously trying to get everything she possibly could out of this. Nicole felt like she was about to start hyperventilating when she realized that it was most likely the latter.
She tried to picture what an actual life between them would look like and could only come up with the things they already did on an almost daily basis. She was doomed, condemned to suffer with this until Ruby ended their little game and went after a real relationship. She felt ready to plunge into oncoming traffic at the thought of Ruby with someone else.
Her shift was about to start and she hadn’t seen Ruby yet but the thought that she was doomed was running through her head nonstop. Like it was the only thing she ever thought about and Nicole knew she was maybe three steps of freaking out.
It took Bridgette tapping her shoulder for her to jump and remember she was in the bistro’s backrooms and she had to finish setting the tables before her opening reprieve ended.
“You look like you’re about to be sick,” Bridgette frowned, the worry in her green eyes was almost enough to send her lurching.
She was sure she was about to explode.
“Bridgette, I’m gonna tell you something but you have to promise me not to tell anyone,” Nicole whispered, her voice gaining a desperate tinge she would absolutely hate to have heard from someone else. Hell, she hated that her best friend heard it.
“Okay, you’re worrying me. You didn’t kill anyone, right?”
Nicole rolled her eyes. “Worse.”
“Are you pregnant?”
“No! It’s worse,” Bridgette was about to pass out so Nicole cleaned her throat and pulled her closer. “I…I think I’m in love with Ruby.”
Bridgette just looked at her with the deadest expression she could possibly muster. It was almost like looking in the mirror.
“Are you messing with me, Nicole?” She deadpanned.
“Listen, I know it’s awful and– god, I’m done for. I’m absolutely fucked I know, but I just…I couldn’t help it, she–”
“Not what I meant,” Nicole watched as Bridgette pinched the bridge of her nose, suddenly looking so annoyed she had to almost do a double take. “Nicole…you know I love you a lot, right?” She nodded, dumbfounded. “Great. Are you stupid?”
“Bridgie?”
“No! Don’t you dare ‘Bridgie’ me!”
Nicole didn't know if she was more shocked about her chronic people pleaser friend almost yelling at her or if she was supposed to be offended. With the lack of an answer she just opened and closed her mouth without a single word.
“Wha–”
“What do you mean you think ?” She flailed her arms around. “You’ve been in love with her since forever!”
“What?!” Now the one almost yelling was Nicole. “No, I wasn’t.”
“Nicole you don’t date someone you don’t love. That’s just rude.”
“Who said we’re dating?”
She heard a mumble of Oh my god, I can’t believe Amber was right. And decidedly ignored it, knowing people were talking about her very discreet situation with her friend was actually baffling.
“You literally go on dates!”
“We don’t! We fuck and hang out sometimes.”
“You told me she took you to the beach at night one day!”
And Ruby did.
It had been lovely, she had taken a basket with some homemade snacks for them, some sandwiches, some baked tarts, even a few quiches she had made for some stupid reason. She bought them Nicole’s favorite white wine, a rather sweet and dry one, she knew it was stupidly expensive so she made sure to kiss Ruby silly underneath the stars for not sparing any resources to make her happy.
They enjoyed the chill breeze cuddled on the blanket they brought, Nicole’s head on Ruby’s chest, letting the symphony of sounds around lull her into the most peaceful state she had ever been – the gentle waves, the hustle of the wind, Ruby’s steady and quick heartbeat and her voice low and intimate telling Nicole all about the wildest stories she had during culinary school.
Nicole fell asleep in Ruby’s arms for a short while, she spent weeks looking at the little seashell Ruby collected for her in the cold ocean. It still sat on her nightstand, it was the first thing she saw in the morning before she even got her phone and the last thing she saw before falling asleep. Some nights she still dreamed of gentle waves and soothing touches.
“That doesn’t mean anything.”
“Okay…you got here two weeks ago all smiley-smiley because Ruby gave you the necklace,” Bridgette pointed at the thin gold chain with an emerald pendant she wore. It rested just above her chest, nearest to her heart.
Not a conscious decision, apparently.
“Okay, and?” She shrugged.
“Nicole…I would never give you that if it weren’t your birthday.”
“Ouch.”
Ruby got it for her, she claimed she was just passing by a store and couldn’t help but picture how beautiful, there it was again, Nicole would look while wearing it and she had to pretend like there weren’t tears in her eyes.
She thanked Ruby with a thousand kisses, her lipstick marks on her chin, cheeks and chest from when Nicole draped herself on her lap and made it her life’s mission to make sure her awesome friend knew just how much she appreciated the jewelry.
Nicole was already planning on how to repay her for that, had been making birthday plans since she went home that night. In a tab on her computer sat a resort reservation and an airline website, just waiting for the right time to buy two tickets for Punta Cana for five days. She had even cleared it up with Terry to make sure they would have a nice little vacation for once, it was why their schedule was a mess now. It would be worth it just to see Ruby in a bikini, dimpled smile rivaling the sun.
“You call her love .”
“No,” she scoffed. “ She calls me love. I call her baby. It’s different.”
“Nicole! Ruby gave you flowers once!”
“Not just once,” she mumbled.
“What was that?”
Nicole gulped, the heaviness of the situation just now dawning upon her.
“She gives me a new bouquet every time the one in my living room dies.”
Bridgette slapped her arm and she just winced but found the aggression fair. If someone was pulling the bullshit she was on about any of her girlfriends she would probably be ready to commit murder.
“Nicole,” it was the sternest voice she had ever heard coming from her sweet friend.
“I know,” she sighed. I’ll talk to her. “I just…I don’t know why she never told me anything.”
“Probably because you’d run?” Bridgette said it softly, like she was scared Nicole would break.
“I wouldn’t,” she chuckled. “Not from her.”
“Does she know that?”
And Nicole froze.
Bridgette patted her shoulder and squeezed her hand before leaving. One of her favorite things about her best friend was that she had always known when Nicole needed some time. Some space.
She tried to think if Ruby had ever felt the very same love and affection she did. Probably not. Not with Nicole running away whenever they finished having sex, it was probably why she never said anything, why they never talked about it. Was she living in wait for the day Nicole decided she had enough and left? Was her heart breaking every single time she walked Nicole out of her front door without even having the opening to kiss her goodbye?
She remembered an overheard conversation near the kitchen, “Mine is giving gifts,” and Nicole’s stomach churned with the ever present violets, roses, lilies and forget-me-nots on her coffee table. Always fresh and always received with gentle kisses and tiny murmurs of thanks.
God, she really hoped Ruby hadn’t been thinking about giving up on her.
Bridgette walked back in with a pointed look and Nicole readjusted her no-nonsense attitude and excellent deadpan customer service voice. She caught Ruby’s eyes in the kitchen a few times but for the first time in a while didn’t wink or even raise an eyebrow at her. Something about the things she realized earlier made her freeze when encountered with so much want and tenderness and are you okay in a single gaze, she wondered if it had always been like that or if Ruby’s feelings changed in the past few months as well. Had the little make out session at the holiday party been the catalyst for her or had she been wanting Nicole since they saw each other?
Was that even important if Ruby wanted her now?
Nicole spent the rest of the day trying to avoid Ruby, being stuck with closing because all of a sudden Brad had grown some balls and made a complaint to Terry about her kindly making him do it for her making her insides twist into knots. One thing about her was that she absolutely despised being even slightly anxious, the only form of nervousness she could ever take was anticipation, and even then she hated feeling eager.
She managed to not break down in front of every single table she had solely because she was a very good professional who had been doing the same job for a good while, the fact that it wasn’t exactly a slow day and her annoyance at the customers was bigger than her chest ache was a blessing. As long as she didn’t run into Ruby she would be alright.
It was why she didn’t even take a break longer than the ones needed for the bathroom and she didn’t waste time in the kitchen gossiping or just watching Ruby working like she usually did. It got to a point where Terry had actively praised her efficiency and quite literally all of the servers started looking at her a little suspiciously.
At the very least she was able to get more tips than she usually did. She almost tripled her usual and a tiny voice in the back of her head reminded her of Ruby’s gifts and how she could buy her something nice for a change and maybe it would convince her not to leave after being so neglected. Nicole felt her heart shattering whenever she tried to think about Ruby’s feelings for the months they’d been together.
Maybe she could close a little faster than usual and buy them something to eat, she wouldn’t let Ruby cook, that was for sure, then she would show up at her door and manage everything she had to say.
Maybe not everything…she mostly wanted to apologize anyway.
The rhythm of the bistro slowed down as the night went on, Nicole felt a little and she remembered she hadn’t eaten yet, she usually didn’t bring lunch, Ruby took care of it for her and she wasn’t about to do that.
Her thoughts were scattered as the servers started to leave and Terry reminded her she still had the keys from that morning, a single hum in acknowledgment and she started cleaning, vacant stare and trying to think.
A hand stopped her movement before she could lift the first chair on the tables. She jumped, Nicole was sure she was alone, she didn’t remember having seen anyone else on schedule.
Her eyes widened as she recognized Ruby’s touch.
“What are y–”
A glare was enough to shut her up. What most people didn't talk about was that Ruby was terrifying when she needed to be.
She pulled Nicole by the arm until they reached the kitchen and pushed her to a counter. She almost sighed in relief thinking it was another make out session but Ruby just handed her a plate of rose pasta with a side of steak and one of their salads.
“Eat.”
“Ruby…I– you really don’t have to do this.”
Ruby huffed.
“You haven’t eaten anything today, I don’t know how you’re standing. Eat.”
Nicole gulped and did as she was told, sitting up on the counter to have a late dinner while she watched Ruby cleaning the kitchen floor and moving to the dining area. She did try to protest it but, once again, she had found out that brown eyes can be extremely piercing.
Nicole ate slowly, she wanted to gobble down the food and help Ruby, but as always, it was just too good for her not to enjoy. Her eyes closed and she hummed in satisfaction with the way the pasta melted in her mouth, cooked to perfection, the sauce made from scratch, little pieces of carrot in it because it was the way Nicole preferred. Meat a perfect medium rare, a little spicier than usual to suit her palette better and the salad had all her favorite ingredients.
Instead of just dropping another of whatever she made last, Ruby made sure to take time to make the perfect dinner with all her favorite items.
If this wasn’t what being loved and cared for felt like Nicole could very much open a circus. She finished and washed her plates carefully, not wanting any hot water to ruin her nails, she breathed deeply before leaving the kitchen. She had to let Ruby know sooner rather than later. Losing this was suddenly her worst nightmare.
She stopped in her place as Ruby finished mopping the floor. Chef’s coat tied around her waist, arms flexing as she worked. Nicole felt her mouth watering and had to shake her head before remembering why she was there, a ragged breath as she started to put the chairs back into place.
They worked in silence for almost ten minutes, Nicole glancing at Ruby every so often until they reached the last table. Their hands touched and she had to hold in a shiver, trying not to give in to the urge to just jump into Ruby’s arms and forget everything.
But she couldn’t.
“Ruby,” she started, voice a little rough and she had to clear her throat to hide the lump threatening to make her sob and give up. “I…you could’ve told me.”
She watched as Ruby froze in the spot, shoulders tense and posture stiff.
“About?”
“You being in love with me,” she blurted out. Beating around the bush would only make her give up.
“I…” Ruby turned to face her, Nicole almost cried at the fear in her eyes.
“You could’ve told me,” she repeated herself with a whisper, allowing the hurt to seep into her voice. They could’ve been having so much more.
“How?” Ruby mumbled back, Nicole knew she was just avoiding having her voice breaking. “You keep leaving, Nicole.”
“I–”
“No,” Ruby shook her head. She took a step closer and seemed to regret it, a wince in her face as she retreated. Nicole wanted to scream, she took the step instead. “It’s supposed to be casual. You can hate me if you want but–”
“I hate…” she paused. Many words could fill the silence. Nicole hated too much noise, annoying customers, most rules, people in general, rum, techno music, boiled eggs, going to the gym. She watched Ruby preparing herself for the blow. It must’ve taken a second, but it felt like an eternity. “Not you.”
Ruby melted in relief. A smile was stifled on her lips. “Not me?”
“Never you,” she sighed and broke their distance. Arms desperately searching for each other. Nicole kissed her until air was but a concept and pulled away to rest their foreheads against each other. “I’m sorry for leaving. And for not noticing. I'll make it up to you, I promise.”
“Is the Nicole apologizing?” Ruby let out with a laugh.
“Shut up,” Nicole pecked her lips. “I’m serious. I’m sorry if I ever made you feel like I don’t love you. I do.”
“You do?”
“How could I not?”
Ruby grinned so hard that Nicole felt her own eyes crinkling at the corners. Her favorite dimples coming into play.
“Let me just finish with the silverware and we can go to your place?”
Ruby just nodded. Kissed her again and followed Nicole to the side work she had neglected to do.
“C’mon, teach me. We can leave faster.”
Nicole snorted.
“Is there a reason why you’re in such a hurry?” She teased.
Ruby just nodded.
“Yeah. The faster we leave, the faster I can bend you over on the couch.”
“Y’know what? This isn’t even that important, we can just leave.”
“You’re so smart. Let’s go.”