Archive of Our Own

Sofia Robbins Sloan Torres, at the wise age of six, had always thought of herself as a smart kid, mostly because her parents and teachers had never given her a reason to think that she wasn't. But now, cornered on the school playground under the big tree with white blossoms dead and wedged in the gravel beneath her feet, three fifth-grade girls she’d never spoken to before crowding around her, she was beginning to doubt that fact about herself. 

“So you moved here with your mom and her girlfriend, and your other mom is still in Seattle,” Liana summarised. She was the most confident of the group, blonde hair scraped back in a sleek hairspray riddled bun and pretty silver studs in her ears. 

Liana and her friends had heard about Sofia’s arrival through Liana’s little brother, who was also in the first-grade. Sofia couldn’t remember who was who yet, today only being her second day, and so Liana’s abrupt conversation starter of I’m Tommy Newhouse’s sister hadn’t comforted her in the slightest. 

Sofia, aware of her double negative status as a first-grader and the new kid, kept her gaze focused down at her feet. Harmony Academy had a strict uniform policy and so her favourite pink butterfly sneakers were somewhere in Mama and Penny’s new apartment, and instead she had these stiff and shiny black patent shoes with too tight buckles. Her socks were dull grey, boring, because everything at Harmony Academy had to be white, black or grey, all colour and joy sucked out. If she were at school in Seattle, hanging with Zola and her other friends, she’d be rocking a colourful stripy pair or her favourite yellow ones with the seahorses on. 

But she wasn’t in Seattle anymore. She lived in New York now. And Mama kept saying it was good, a new adventure, and soon Sofia would adjust and be happy. That was what Mama had said on the phone last night when Sofia was in the bath and purposefully not making any noise because she wanted to know who Mama was speaking to and why, hoping that maybe it was Mom, but Mama had hung up the phone before Sofia could figure it out. 

“Sorry to tell you this, Sofia, but it won’t be long before your mom stops calling. It’s better for you to know what’s coming. My dad swore he would call and visit after he got remarried and moved to Michigan, but did he?” Liana rolled her eyes and waved her hand dismissively. “No, of course he didn’t. I was stupid enough to believe him, but you don’t have to be stupid. Consider this a heads-up.” 

Liana and her friends slunk away, and Sofia was left standing under the tree, her throat closed up with rebuttals and denials that for some reason refused to come out. Sofia had been in New York for two weeks, and yes, things felt different now, but surely things weren’t going to become that different. Mom wasn’t going to forget about her. Mom wasn’t going to stop calling. That was stupid. Liana was stupid. Right? 

Sofia put her hands in her blazer pockets - she kind of hated it, its stiffness and too-new smell - and began to scratch her nails at the fabric inside. She didn’t like the feeling in her chest. It felt like the time she was playing with Zola at Auntie Meredith’s and that toy chest had toppled over and crushed her to the floor. There’d been a little bit of time before Zola managed to push it off, and Sofia remembered wanting to cry but not having any breath to do it. 

Alone, Sofia sat down beneath the tree. Liana was wrong. There was no way she could be right. Mom would never stop calling. Mom wouldn’t stop. Mom wouldn’t, wouldn’t, wouldn’t. 

The other kids ran about, laughing and chasing each other. It didn’t cross Sofia’s mind to join in, or to worry about feeling left out. All she could think about was Mom back in Seattle and what she might be doing, who she might be meeting, if she’d remembered to write on the calendar to call at one o’clock on Saturday afternoon. 

Sofia dug her nails into her palms and stared at her boring grey socks, miserably waiting for the bell to ring. She’d loved breaktime in Seattle. 

Apparently she didn’t like it so much in New York.

On Saturday, Sofia stopped being able to enjoy her cartoons around half past twelve. She turned the volume down, her attention split between Spongebob and listening out for the phone. If Mom were here in person, she’d be doing a poor job of pretending not to be drawn in by Spongebob and Patrick’s antics, and before long she'd give up the ruse and just sit down with her.

Later, Mama had promised that they’d watch any Disney movie which Sofia wanted. They hadn’t spent much time together that week since Mama had started her new job at the new hospital. Sofia had overheard Mama telling Penny that she had a plan to put in more hours early, and then maybe her boss would consider her for the department head role whenever it became available. Sofia was pretty sure that Mama had used to be department head in Seattle, so she didn’t really know why Mama couldn’t be that too in New York, but when she’d asked about it on Thursday morning before school, Mama had gotten a funny look on her face which made Sofia think that she’d said something to upset her, so she’d not brought it up again. Maybe she would ask Mom about it when she called. 

On the television, Patrick laughed at a bubble elephant (“It’s a giraffe!”) and whereas Sofia usually would’ve laughed along, she got halfway to a smile before she slunk back into her thoughts. She supposed it was okay that Mom wasn’t here to watch a Disney movie with them later because Mom was not a good singer. It was Mama who could sing the best, Mama who could sing as well as, if not better, than all of the princesses. Mama was also good at singing along to the car radio, though she always pulled a face and turned the channel when a country song came on. Mom would change the channel at the country songs too, unless it was Shania Twain or Carrie Underwood, or even better, Taylor Swift. You Belong with Me was Sofia’s current favourite. Mom liked Love Story. 

Sofia was intermittently clicking the remote to make the time appear in the left-hand corner and trying to decide between Frozen or Tangled for the movie tonight when the phone finally rang.

She was off the couch in a heartbeat, rushing to the phone on the kitchen island, but Penny got there first. “Hello, this is Penny Blake speaking.” Sofia waited agitatedly at Penny’s elbow, desperate to know if it was her mom. It was 12:51, close enough, surely. And if it wasn’t, Penny needed to hang up the phone so her mom could get through. “Haha, don’t worry about being early! We were waiting for you to call.” Penny spoke with earnest kindness, but something about her voice inexplicably made Sofia want to stamp on her foot and rip the phone from her hands. 

But Sofia didn’t do that, because she was a good kid. Everybody said so, especially Grandma Barb. When Mom had taken her down to Georgia to see her grandparents, Sofia had come in from the garden in search of orange juice, only to find her mom crying at the kitchen table. “I’m fine, baby, I’m just being silly,” Mom had said, when Sofia had clambered onto her lap and thrown her arms tightly around her neck. Sofia had promised to do anything to cheer her up, and Grandma Barb had chuckled softly in that Southern drawl of hers, Well, aren’t you sweet as cherry pie, Miss Sofia. Afterwards they’d had homemade strawberry ice cream and sat on the front porch, waiting for Grandpa Colonel to come home from the store.

Sofia didn’t get to see Grandma Barb or Grandpa Colonel much. Georgia was a long way from Seattle. She didn’t know if she was any closer now that she was in New York, but Mama probably wouldn’t want to take her to see Mom’s side of the family. Sofia was sure that she’d heard Mama telling Auntie Meredith that Arizona won’t admit it, but her mother hates me and when Auntie Meredith had asked if she was sure, Mama had said that Grandma Barb always spelled her name with a Y no matter how many times she corrected her, but that she’d always managed to spell her name correctly before the divorce.

Divorce. It was weird. Before New York, Sofia hadn’t really given much thought to the word. It hadn’t meant too much, hadn’t bothered her; sometimes she was at Mama’s and sometimes she was at Mom’s, but she’d always see them both throughout the week, and sometimes they’d all be together at extended family picnics in the park with Auntie Meredith and Zola and Uncle Alex and Auntie April and whoever else wanted to come along.

Like so many other things, that word felt different now. Divorce meant Mom was in Seattle and Mama was in New York. Every night in bed, Sofia had started daydreaming about a magic teleporter that meant she could keep things like they used to be, spending half the week with Mama and half the week with Mom. 

“We’ve settled in great, thank you. The Preminger centre is amazing, their technology is incredible and I’m just so glad I decided to go for the grant in the end…yeah, exactly, that’s what I think too…” 

“Hello, is that my mom?” Sofia demanded, tugging on Penny’s sleeve. She’d always used to like Penny back in Seattle - Penny would share the chocolate chips in her sundaes and would let Sofia replay her favourite One Direction songs over and over again - but right now, when Penny was hogging the phone, a newfound dislike was growing in her stomach. 

“Hmm? Oh, yeah, you heard correctly.” Penny smiled down at Sofia, who did nothing to disguise the impatient frown on her face. “She’s right here, waiting for you. I’ll hand you over now.” 

Penny smiled as she passed Sofia the phone.

Sofia’s hands felt clammy as she pressed the receiver to her ear, her mouth feeling dry. She wished that she was alone, that Penny wasn’t smiling down at her like it was some great thing that this was the first time she was going to hear her mom’s voice this week. 

New York. Seattle. Divorce. It won’t be long before your mom stops calling. 

For a moment, Sofia was afraid that when she opened her mouth, no words would come out. But she managed to choke out a “Mommy?” and then “I was waiting for you all morning” and she didn’t know if her mom could hear the tremble in her voice, but she hoped that her mom couldn’t because if her mom thought Sofia couldn’t be the same as she used to be in Seattle, then maybe her mom would stop calling, just like Liana had warned.

“Hi, Little Miss,” came Mom’s voice, full of sugary excitement and warmth, and Sofia almost felt like if she closed her eyes then she could pretend that she was sitting on the couch at Mom’s house in Seattle, falling asleep tucked into her side while one of Mom’s grown-up shows, Friends or Modern Family, was playing. When you’re older, we’ll watch this together properly, Mom had promised, more than once, and Sofia had liked the sound of that.  

“Aw, baby, I didn’t realise you were waiting for me to call! I’ve been looking forward to talking to you all week,” Mom said, and just like that, relief pooled in Sofia’s belly. Mom hadn’t forgotten. Mom had been looking forward to this too. “How’re you doing? How’s your new school?”

Sofia shrugged, then remembered that her mom couldn’t see her. So, “It’s okay, I guess,” she said.

“Just okay? Well, what’s your teacher like?”

“She’s called Mrs Haines.” 

“Do you like her?”

Sofia thought about it for a moment. Then, “She doesn’t mind if I doodle in my notebook.”

“That sounds good!” Mom’s voice was bright and enthusiastic, and Sofia didn’t quite know why the sound of her voice, instead of making her feel light and happy like it usually did, was starting to give her a stomach ache. “You love doodling, right?”

Sofia shrugged again, then upon remembering that she’d have to answer verbally, said “I guess.”

Penny was hovering around in the kitchen, and Sofia didn’t like catching glimpses of the woman moving about in her peripheral. Sofia slipped into the hallway and rushed quickly into her bedroom, shutting the door so that Penny couldn’t follow.

“Sof? I asked what the kids in your class are like. You’ve gone quiet, is everything okay?” 

Mom’s voice had lost some of its excitement. She sort of sounded like she had when Sofia had fallen at the park last summer and taken all of the skin off her knees. The scabs had taken forever to heal. Sofia remembered the sting all too well, the crease of concern on Mom’s face as she tried to soothe the tears which just wouldn’t stop coming. 

“Sof?”

This bedroom was wrong. Mama had said they could redecorate, but Sofia was worried that changing the paint colour wasn’t going to do anything. The same curtains from her bedroom at Mama’s house in Seattle were in this room now, light blue with purple butterflies on. 

The same curtains. The same duvet cover. The same toys in the multicoloured box at the foot of the bed.

But it was wrong. It was always going to be wrong. 

“Sof, baby, what’s the matter? Talk to me, please. Oh, baby, I can hear you crying. What is it? Did you not have a good week at school?”

“Mommy,” Sofia managed to say through her tears, but that was it.

“Is Mama there, Sof? I think you need a hug. Oh, baby, it’s okay. It’s all going to be okay, alright?” 

“Mama’s at the store,” Sofia sobbed.

Mom took a second longer than usual to reply before she said, “Okay, well Penny’s there, right? Is she there with you?”

“No, I’m in my room. And I don’t want Penny.” Sofia’s words were almost indistinguishable now, her chest heaving harder and faster than she knew it could. Her mouth and chin were soaking wet. She was crying like a baby, a real baby, like the babies at daycare in Seattle. 

Seattle, where Mom was right now, far away on the other side of the country and trying to convince her to go find Penny because “Sofia, please, baby, I think you’re having a panic attack, so you need to leave your bedroom and find Penny, okay?” 

“I miss you. I wanna come home. Mommy, mommy,” Sofia garbled out, too quick and too tear-soaked to be understood. 

“Sofia, take some deep breaths for me, okay? Come on, breathe with me. In, out, in, out. I’ve texted Penny, I’ve asked her to come check on you. Now breathe with me, Sofia. Let’s breathe together - in, out, in, out.”

A couple of minutes later, Sofia screamed when Penny walked in and gently tried to take the phone. Penny sat by her side on the new wrong bed and Sofia kept sobbing while Mom kept talking in her ear, and Penny kept rubbing her back even though Sofia wished she wouldn’t, and when Mama finally came back from the store and Sofia allowed herself to be swept up in her arms, there was an ugly, ugly part of her which felt like even Mama’s hugs felt wrong in New York. 

Sofia was scared that maybe her mom wouldn’t want to talk to her anymore, but instead Mom started calling more. Mom did her best to call every day, but sometimes she got called into emergent surgeries and by the time she rang, Sofia was already in bed for school. Even so, things felt better now that she spoke to her mom more. It wasn’t the same as it had been in Seattle, not by a long shot, but it was something. 

As time went on, New York started to not feel so bad. Harmony Academy was very different from her school in Seattle, but over the next month, Sofia did make friends. Neither Maisie, Polly or Abigail were worthy substitutes for Zola, but they liked Hannah Montana and Taylor Swift and Polly loved Spongebob maybe even more than Sofia did, so school was sort of okay now. 

“I just, I’m really worried something’s wrong.” That was Mama; she was on the phone to someone in her bedroom. Well, it wasn’t just Mama’s bedroom, Penny slept in there too. A sour taste entered Sofia’s mouth as she chewed harder on her hoodie tassel, unsure as to why it had started bothering her that Penny and Mama slept in the same bed. Maybe it was because Liana had told her what adults liked to do in private and now she knew what was happening between Mama and the woman who was not Mom.

“Do you know what sex is? Well, let me enlighten you,” Liana had said, as she and her two friends pulled Sofia and Abigail aside and settled them down on the grass near the obstacle course. Abigail’s parents were divorced as well, but her mom and dad both lived in New York. “Sex is the reason why every divorce happens. At some point, your parents stopped having it with each other and started having it with other people, and that’s why they got divorced.” 

“But what is it?” Abigail had asked, and whilst Sofia wasn’t sure if she wanted to know the answer, Liana had told them both anyway.

“It’s this weird thing that adults do where they get naked and roll around in bed together. Yeah, it’s totally gross,” Liana had laughed when Sofia and Abigail had pulled faces of disgust. “That’s a warning sign that adults are going to break-up, by the way, when they start sleeping in separate rooms, because that means they’re no longer doing it.”

Sofia inched closer down the hallway, watching her feet closely to avoid the squeaky floorboard outside of the bathroom. 

“I’m telling you, Mer, it’s like she’s totally changed. No, no, it’s not like before. I mean, yeah, she doesn’t cry and she’s fine to go to school now, but it’s like she’s just…gone. She doesn’t smile, she doesn’t laugh. Sometimes I feel like I’m watching a robot version of my kid. When she gets home from school, she changes into her pyjamas and then sits and waits by the phone for Arizona to call. That’s it. She literally isn’t interested in watching TV or playing with her dolls. She just…she just sits there. She just sits there and stares at that damn phone, waiting for it to ring, and oh my god, Meredith.” Mama was crying now. Her voice was thick and strained, gooey like she had mashed potato stuck in her throat. “The days that Arizona gets caught up in work and can’t call, you should see the look on Sofia’s face. It’s like - like someone’s shot a puppy in front of her or something. She just goes to lie in bed and stares at the wall. I, I just, I don’t know what to do anymore. I just don’t know what I’m supposed to fucking do.”

Sofia turned around and walked back to the kitchen, not wanting to hear Mama crying to Auntie Meredith anymore. She hadn’t known Mama was upset with her. She’d been trying really hard to be a good kid in New York. She put her school shoes away on the shoe rack and she always did her homework. She’d thought that was enough. She really did. 

Dialling Mom’s cell number was second nature now. Sofia didn’t even need to look in the phone notebook. She counted seven rings before the line connected.

“Hello?” Mom’s voice, and in the background the steady beeping of a heart monitor. She was at work, probably in the OR doing surgery on a tiny, tiny baby. “More suction, please. Thank you.”

“Hi, mom.”

“Hi, Sofia, I thought that might be you,” Mom replied with a clear smile in her voice. “I’m not late, am I? I thought I was calling at 3.”

“You’re not late. I called early.”

“I see. So, what have you been up to today so far?” 

“Nothing.” Sofia picked at a loose fleck of paint on the wall. Penny had noticed her doing it the other day and politely asked her to stop because they were renting and it would affect the deposit. Sofia had snapped that she wasn’t her mother and had carried on picking at the wall, and she’d only mumbled a ‘sorry’ to Penny because Mom had overheard and insisted that she apologise. “I wanna ask you a favour.” 

“Oh yeah? What favour is that, Sof?”

“Mama’s upset because she thinks something’s wrong with me, so I wanted you to tell her that I’m fine and then she won’t be upset anymore.” Sofia waited for her mom to say something, but instead there was a long bout of silence, and if it wasn’t for the steady beeping of the heart monitor and the gurgling sound of the suction, she would’ve worried that the line had disconnected. “Mom? Will you tell her?”

“Did Mama say something to you, Sof?”

“I heard her talking on the phone.” 

“Okay.” Quiet again. Then, “Brody, could you-? Excellent, thanks, you read my mind. Hey, Sof? You don’t need to worry about Mama, okay? I’ll talk to her.” 

“Okay.” There was a fairly big chunk of paint resting in Sofia’s palm now. “I’m being really good at school.” She crumbled the dried paint between her fingertips and watched it sprinkle to the floor. Penny hated mess; she’d probably throw a fit when she saw it later. “My room is clean. I don’t always finish my dinner but that’s okay because I don’t have dessert. I’ve been really good. So I don’t think Mama needs to be upset.” 

“- cking hell, that’s Robbins’ kid? She sounds like she’s about to jump off a building, geez,” an echoey, unfamiliar voice rang out. 

“Who the hell is speaking on the intercom? Turn it off, goddamnit,” Mom snapped, sounding more furious than Sofia had ever heard her, even angrier than the time someone had skipped a red light and almost crashed into them. My daughter’s in this car, you motherfucking asshole! Mom had screeched. Afterwards, Mom had given her two candy bars and asked if she could please not tell Mama about the swearing. Sofia was old enough to understand that she was being bribed, so she’d guilted her mom into giving her a fun size bag of Haribos too. 

“That was one of the interns, Dr Roy. He’s an idiot,” someone said. 

“I second that. I’ve had complaints about him from several people,” someone else agreed.

“God,” Mom groaned, quietly enough that it made Sofia think that her mom hadn’t intended anyone to hear it. “Sof, you still there, baby?” 

“Yeah.” She sounds like she’s about to jump off a building. “Yes,” Sofia said again, just to hear her own voice, wondering if what Dr Roy had said was true. 

She wasn’t sure what it meant, sounding like she was about to jump off a building. Was it something to do with being up high? Did she sound far away? Or was it something else? You were bound to get hurt if you jumped off a roof. You’d probably break a lot of bones and then someone like Mama would have to fix you. You had to be an idiot to jump off a roof. 

Maybe it meant nothing. Someone had said Dr Roy was an idiot. But then why had Mom gotten so mad? 

“Sof, I’m going to be in surgery for, hmm, half an hour more, and then I’m going to call you back, okay? I think Zola’s home today. Why don’t you look up Auntie Meredith’s home number and see if Zola’s around to talk to? I know she misses you and she’d love to hear from you.” 

Sofia stared unseeingly ahead at the tall grey fridge. Mama had stuck some polaroid pictures of her and Penny on it, and pictures of Sofia as a baby. There were no pictures of Mom on the fridge. 

“Do you think something’s wrong with me too?” Sofia asked.

The thought hadn’t even occurred to her, before that moment, that Mom might think the same as Mama. Did Mom not want Sofia to stand by the phone and wait for her to call back? Did Mom think she ought to do something else in the meantime, like call Zola? Did Mom think there was something wrong with simply staring at the phone and willing it to ring? 

“Sof, I’ve got to go now, but I’m going to call you back really soon. Try calling Zola, okay? I love you. I miss you. Speak to you in a little bit, okay?”

“Okay. Bye, mommy. I love you too.”

“Bye, bye, Sof. Brody, could you please-?” Then the line cut out, and Sofia listened to the flat dial sound for a while before putting the phone back in the holder. Then she went over to the fridge, took down the photo of Mama and Penny laughing and ripped it in half, buried it in the trash can, then flipped through the phone notebook until she found Auntie Meredith’s landline number and dialled it.

The following weekend, Mama was up and out of the apartment before the sun came up, so when Sofia finally rolled out of bed, she was stuck alone with Penny. 

“Hi, Sofia. Want some breakfast?” Penny asked.

Since Mama wasn’t around, Sofia didn’t have to pretend to hide her true feelings. She glared at the woman who was not Mom yet slept in Mama’s bed anyway, and went back into her bedroom and slammed the door shut. She was left in peace to lie in bed and stare at the ceiling for about an hour until someone was lightly shaking her shoulder, and she drifted back from the drowsy state she’d fallen into. 

“Hey, Sof.” Mama looked a little tired, her eyes sort of red, but she was smiling. “Someone’s here to see you.” 

Though she didn’t want to, Sofia slumped out of bed and trailed into the living room. For a split-second she thought she was dreaming. Then she was running full force at the blonde woman standing just inside the doorway, her face split wide in a grin. 

“Mommy!” 

Mom laughed as Sofia barrelled into her, flinging her arms tightly around her waist. 

“Hey, Little Miss!” Mom leant down to hug Sofia back just as tight. “God, it’s so good to see you. Have you gotten taller? I feel like you’ve gotten taller.” 

“You didn’t tell me you were coming! Have you had breakfast? Maybe Mama will make us pancakes,” Sofia said, looking back at Mama hopefully. 

Mom laughed, and Sofia felt the vibration against her cheek from where she was still clinging to her. If she moved an inch, there was a chance that she might wake up and find out none of this was really happening at all.

Sofia squeezed her arms tighter.

And maybe Mom understood, because she started stroking Sofia’s hair and gently cradling her head as if she didn’t want to let go, either. 

“Well, as delicious as that sounds, I was thinking that we could go out for breakfast. How does that sound?” Mom chuckled when Sofia eagerly nodded, staring up into blue eyes which she’d only seen through a phone screen for the past month. “Okay, why don’t you go get dressed and brush your teeth, then we’ll go.” 

As Sofia got ready, she kept dashing into the living room to check that her mom was still there. Mama seemed to think it was funny when Sofia came running out holding her toothbrush, white foam on her chin, to check again that Mom was still on the couch. Penny didn’t seem to think it was funny, her beady eyes watching the toothpaste dripping onto the floor. But Sofia didn’t care. Her mom was here, here, in New York, and nothing was going to ruin this.

It turned out that Mama had taken the day off work, so all three of them went out to breakfast in a cosy retro diner with red booths and black and white tiled flooring. Penny went to work instead, which didn't bother Sofia at all.

Back in Seattle, Penny had been nice. Recently, just the sight of Penny's face had become annoying.

Over breakfast - waffles and pancakes and maple syrup - Sofia answered all of Mom’s questions with ease. Mom wanted to know everything about school, about her new friends, about the restaurant she’d gone to with Mama and Grandpa Carlos, about what she’d had for dinner this week, about if she’d had any fun or scary dreams. Sofia hesitated on that last question, thinking about how she’d had a nightmare a couple of weeks ago and went running to Mama’s room, but she'd seen Penny cuddled up to Mama through the crack in the door, and she hadn’t been able to bring herself to go inside. So she’d tiptoed back to her room and lain in bed and hugged her teddy tight, and in a strange sort of way, she wasn’t even scared of her nightmare about the angry clowns anymore, but instead frightened about what would happen if Mama ever decided to marry Penny and if that would mean that Penny would be her mom too and if that would make Mom stop calling. 

“No dreams,” Sofia lied, keeping her eyes on her pancake so that her moms wouldn’t realise she was lying. They always seemed to know, but only if she was looking at them. 

When Sofia had eaten enough, she leant her head against Mom’s side and listened to her and Mama talk. They talked about the sunshine, then about some man Auntie Meredith apparently liked, then a surgery that Mama had done recently which Mom seemed really impressed by, and then about where they were going to have dinner that evening. 

“We’ve barely finished breakfast and you already want to talk about dinner plans? Good to know you haven’t changed one bit,” Mama chuckled. She finished folding the napkin into a swan and passed it over the table to Sofia. “Look, Sof. Cool, right? Your mom can’t even make a paper airplane.”

Sofia grinned and held the swan napkin in her hands whilst Mom’s voice went up an octave as she said, “Hey, excuse you, I can totally make a paper airplane.” 

“Christmas 2011,” Mama simply said, and Mom swiftly replied, “Screw you, Callie” but she laughed as she said it, and Mama started laughing too. 

Before they left, Sofia had to use the restroom. There was only one toilet down a narrow hallway. As she was washing her hands, she could hear her moms talking outside, and she purposefully slowed down once she realised that they didn’t know she could hear them.

“I’m serious, I think she’s been putting salt in Penny’s sugar cup. She keeps it separate because she likes to put brown sugar in her coffee instead of white - yeah, I know, right? I don’t get how it tastes different either - but, anyway, it has to be her, because I don’t understand how else it keeps happening,” Mama was saying quietly. 

“But the other behaviour stuff, she’s stopped that now, right?”

“Yeah, yeah, she hasn’t, y’know, thrown anything since the plate incident.” There was a pause long enough that Sofia almost opened the door, but then Mama started speaking again, this time even quieter, and Sofia had to try much harder to listen. “I know I don’t have any right to be saying this, considering I’m becoming increasingly aware of how this mess is my fault, but I’m so glad you’re here. I can’t really talk to Penny about it. I don’t even think she…it’s like she doesn’t even see Sofia as her responsibility.” Pause. “Huh, okay, so you agree with her.”

“I didn’t say that. Come on, don’t be like that. Don’t put words in my mouth. I just think that Sofia already has two moms and I get Penny not wanting to insert herself.” 

“But we live together, Arizona. How can she not want to…” Mama sighed. “I don’t know. Some days I don’t know what the hell I was thinking.” 

“You and me both,” Mom said drily. Then, “Has Sofia been a while? Should we check on her?” 

Before her parents could say anything, Sofia undid the lock and stepped outside. Mom and Mama both smiled, acting like they hadn’t been talking about her just moments before. Sofia’s stomach felt a little wobbly. She hoped she wasn’t going to be sick. The last thing she wanted was to ruin this rare day with both her moms by being ill. 

First they went to the park, and Mama got a salted pretzel for them to share and nibble on as they walked around. Sofia walked between her moms, holding both their hands and laughing when they'd swing her between them, lightly lifting her off her feet. Mom searched online and found a late morning showing of Moana at a cinema nearby, so next Sofia was sitting between her moms on a plush red couch with a tub of popcorn she was too full to eat, mouthing along to the songs she already knew by heart. Afterwards Mama took them to a place with cream walls and big open windows with green plants trailing around the ceiling. It was a place where you got to pick a little plate or mug off the shelf and paint it however you liked.

“I wanted to come see you sooner, but there was a mom in Seattle with a very sick baby in her belly. But, good news, she gave birth to a healthy little boy on Monday! And, more importantly, now I get to be here with you.” Mom's voice went soft and she smiled wide when she said this, and Sofia was powerless to do anything except smile back. “This looks lovely, Sof.” Mom pointed to the pink stars Sofia was tracing on her small plate. “Do you know what else you're gonna do?”

Sofia appraised her masterpiece in the making, then looked at the paint selection available. She'd picked the bright colours, just like Mom. To the left, Mama's paint tray was the opposite, dark and moody. 

“Maybe a butterfly,” Sofia decided. 

“You go for it, Sof. Sounds great,” Mama chipped in, as she began to draw a black outline around a dark purple heart on the mug she was decorating. 

Sofia looked at Mom's mug. So far all Mom had done was paint the whole thing a light pastel pink, and now she was flipping through a little book of designs which the store worker had given them. 

The store worker had said the book was for the creatively challenged. Mama had looked straight at Mom and quipped, “Ah, perfect” which made Mom raise a thin eyebrow and return, “Very bold words from a woman who'd gladly live in a batcave.”

Had Mom and Mama’s differences over colours divided them? But that would be silly. Sofia liked green and Zola liked yellow, and they were best friends anyway. 

Maybe something else had driven Mom and Mama apart. Maybe the truth was that simple thing which Liana had warned her about, over and over again.

“Did you get divorced because you didn't want to have sex anymore?” 

Sofia hadn’t meant the question to be shocking, but Mama gasped like a character in Spongebob and Mom almost knocked her coffee off the table. 

“Why would you - where did you -?” Mama was flabbergasted. 

“Liana told me all about why everyone's parents get divorced,” Sofia explained. By the way Mom and Mama looked at each other, Sofia got the feeling that Liana had, unfortunately, told the truth.

Feeling her breakfast start swirling in her stomach, Sofia hoped that meant Liana wasn't also right about it not being long before Mom would stop bothering with her. 

(“I mean, yeah, they try a little in the beginning, obviously,” Liana had said, when Sofia had proudly let her know that Mom called every day now and so clearly she was wrong about her mom leaving her behind in the dust. “Of course they call at first. They have to look good in front of their friends and convince everyone they're going to try all the time. Trust me, Sofia, it won't last. Ugh, come on, don't start crying. I'm helping you out, okay? I'm trying to prepare you.”) 

“Who's Liana?” Mom asked. “I haven't heard you mention her before. Is she in your class, like Abigail?” 

“She’s a fifth-grader.” 

“The buddy scheme,” Mama said quickly, looking a little angry as she and Mom shared another look which Sofia felt strictly on the outside of. “The school said something about the older kids being told the younger kids’ names so they could watch out for them and stuff. It's supposed to build community.”

“What exactly did Liana say to you, Sof?” Mom asked.

Sofia shrugged. Liana had warned her about this, too. Parents didn’t like it when you told the truth. They especially didn’t like it when, in Liana’s words, you call them out on their bullshit.

“Sweetheart,” Mama began softly, reaching over to place a warm hand on Sofia’s forearm, “I’m sorry things have been difficult for you lately. I didn’t know-” Mama abruptly cut herself off. Her hand tightened a little on Sofia’s forearm. Sofia stared at her mother’s hands, the nails filed short and clean, that little scar on her third knuckle which Mama said she got from an accident with a bone saw back when she was learning to be a doctor. “Look,” Mama finally started again, “grown-ups break-up for lots of different reasons. Nobody’s break-up ever looks the same, okay, so whatever Liana has said to you, I’m sure she might be speaking from her own experience, but that doesn’t mean her family looks like our family, alright? Your mom and I might not be together, but that doesn’t mean we both don’t love you more than anything.” 

Sofia would be lying if she said that Mama’s words didn’t make her feel a little better, but she still wasn’t stupid. Mama had totally avoided the question. 

“Why did you get divorced?” Sofia looked between them, making sure to wear her most serious face. And there it was again, just like before: her moms looking at each other like they’d both been caught with their hands in the cookie jar. “The longer you don’t answer me,” Sofia carried on, feeling emboldened by her parents' obvious panic, “the more I know Liana was right and it’s because of sex.” 

“Sofia, what do you think sex is?” Mom asked, which made Mama look at her like she was crazy and say, “Arizona, what the hell, don’t encourage her!”

“It’s when you’re naked in bed and roll around and it’s fun for grown-ups,” Sofia confidently answered, then added, with unbridled disgust, “although it sounds horrible and I’m never going to do it.” 

For a second, Mama and Mom both seemed to forget they were supposed to be mad, because matching grins briefly broke across their faces before they smoothed out their expressions again. Ugh, she loved her moms, but sometimes they were so weird. Why grown-ups chose to spend their time doing bizarre things like hanging out without any clothes on instead of going to the cinema or playing board games was beyond her.

“I see. Well, Sofia, that’s not why Mama and I split up, so you don’t have to worry about that anymore,” Mom said.

“Then why did you? I don’t understand why you can’t get married again. I don’t understand why me and Mama have to be in New York and you have to be in Seattle.” 

“Okay. That, well, that’s a good question.” Mom looked at Mama again, and it was really, really starting to annoy Sofia how they kept looking at each other as if she couldn’t see them doing it. 

(“Our parents think we’re morons.” Liana had given her that note of wisdom alongside many others, such as to avoid the fourth toilet cubicle because it always got blocked, and that Mrs Parkinson was practically deaf in one ear so when she got to third-grade, she’d be able to talk with her friends as much as she liked in class, given that she kept Mrs Parkinson on her right-hand side. “It’s because they’re so old, they’ve forgotten what it’s like to be a kid, and they don’t understand that we’re not babies who don’t understand anything.”)

“We’re only in New York because of Penny, aren’t we?” Sofia suddenly demanded, certain that she was right. “Mama was department head in Seattle and now she’s not, and she sleeps in the same bed as Penny which means they have sex, and parents get divorced because of sex, so that’s why this is all happening.” 

Sofia waited for her moms to say something, anything, but they had been stunned into silence. Huh. Liana had told her that it felt good to call them out on their bullshit, but Sofia hadn’t quite expected it to feel this good. 

She picked up her pencil and started stencilling a butterfly onto her plate.

“Sofia, baby, I have something to say and it’s really important, so I need to know you’re listening to me,” Mom finally said. Sofia sighed loudly, not in the mood for more lies (she’d always thought of herself as smart, so how had she lived in New York for so long without realising the blatantly obvious fact about why she was in this stupid state to begin with?) but regardless, she put down her pencil and met her mom’s eyes. 

Mom looked sad. She didn’t say anything at first, instead reached over to tuck some stray hairs behind Sofia’s ear. Sofia’s stomach hurt; it’d been ages since Mom had been around to do little stuff like that, and until now, she hadn’t known how much she’d missed it. 

That was what being away from Mom felt like. It was like a big hole, one which she knew was there, but she couldn’t fully remember what had been taken away until it was right in front of her.

“Penny has nothing to do with why your mom and I got divorced. We weren’t together long before Penny ever came into the picture. Your mom is really special and deserves someone who makes her happy, and right now Penny makes her really happy. And we love Mama, don’t we?” Mom paused, waiting for Sofia to give a begrudging nod. “That’s right, and we want Mama to be happy, and being in New York with you and Penny, that makes her happy. So, that’s why you’re in New York, because it’s what’s best for everyone.”

“No, it’s not, because you’re not here. I only get to talk to you on the phone, and one day you might get bored of that and stop calling,” Sofia snapped.

Mom suddenly looked devastated, and Sofia had a split-second of realisation that she was about to cry before the tears were pouring down her face. “Oh no, Sof,” Mom said softly, and next second, Sofia was sobbing onto Mom’s shoulder, and she could feel Mama had moved closer and was rubbing her back. As she cried, she was reminded of when she’d been crying to Mom on the phone, wishing that she could hug her, but instead she’d had to endure Penny rubbing her back and Mama had hugged her instead, Mama trying to convince them both that she could hug all of Sofia’s pain away, that somehow it was okay that Mom was a mere disembodied voice in another state.

“I don’t want you to go,” Sofia wheezed out between sobs. She felt someone press a kiss to the crown of her head, but she wasn’t sure if it was Mom or Mama. She supposed it didn’t really matter. They were both here, and although she couldn’t stop crying and her lungs felt like they were about to burst out from her ribs, this was the safest she’d felt in a long time, both of them in touching distance, both of them saying, over and over, of course we’re not going anywhere, baby, we love you, you’re our world, it’ll be okay, it’s all gonna be okay. 

The weekend that Mom spent in New York was like a dream which Sofia never wanted to wake up from. Then Mom had to go home, and even though Mama let Sofia walk with Mom all the way to the departure gate, extending every second with her, it still wasn’t enough. Sofia’s only sick consolation was that Mom seemed sad to be leaving, too. 

But Mom wasn’t sad enough to be stopped by Sofia’s tears, not even after Sofia decided to throw herself on the floor and grab onto Mom’s warm leg, begging her not to leave. “Sofia, I will call you first thing tomorrow morning, I promise,” Mom said, her voice thicker than usual, and she peppered Sofia’s teary face with kisses before she gently pushed her into Mama’s arms and said, “Callie, god, please just take her home, she’s too upset.”

In the car ride back to the apartment, Sofia worried that maybe Mama would be mad at her for making a scene at the airport; the security man had started to approach them, but Mama had waved him off and practically dragged Sofia by the hand, crying and calling out for Mom who could no longer hear her. Sofia was waiting for the reprimand to come, but instead Mama took them to a convenience store and bought them ice cream. They sat on a bench in the park outside their apartment and ate them, delaying the moment they’d go back inside to Penny and not Mom.

“I do love your mom.” Mama said this randomly as they were walking up the path to the apartment building. She tightened her grip on Sofia’s hand to one which was almost painful. Sofia looked up at Mama’s face and tried to figure out what her expression meant, but it was too confusing, almost like Mama couldn't decide what she wanted her face to say, either. “She’s…she’s strong, and she’s smart, and she’s…she can be really selfless. I hadn’t wanted to see that, but she is. She’s selfless. Much more selfless than I am.”

“What does selfless mean?”

“It means you think about what would make other people happy instead of what would make you happy. It’s the very opposite of being selfish. It means being kind and thoughtful,” and after a moment, Mama quietly added, “sometimes even at your own expense.”

Slowly walking up the stairs, one hand on the banister and the other holding Mama’s, Sofia thought aloud, “Mom’s pretty, too.”

“Yeah. Yeah, she’s really pretty,” Mama said, sounding a little like she did when she was thinking about something else, like when she was trying to read a book and Sofia had interrupted her yet again because she was feeling lonely in the new apartment, which still felt unfamiliar after weeks in New York.

Inside, Penny was plating up dinner for everybody. Tonight it was one of Mama’s lasagnes which she’d batch cooked and put away in the freezer. Sofia loved Mama’s lasagne. Though Sofia daren’t say it, Mama was a far better cook than Mom, and that was probably the only thing she didn’t miss about Seattle: Mom’s questionable cooking. The only meal Mom could make without messing it up was Rainbow Dinner (that was what they both called it, the dinner with dinosaur chicken nuggets, unevenly buttered corn on the cob, steamed carrots and peas, and hashbrowns).

Sofia sat at the table, picked up her knife and fork, and looked down at her lasagne. She loved this dinner. But suddenly she wished she was about to eat Rainbow Dinner instead. She wished she was sighing to herself and using her knife to re-spread the butter over the corn because Mom never managed to spread it properly. 

“So, I thought we could go to the furniture store sometime next week,” Penny began, after they'd been sitting at the table for a few minutes and nobody had said a single word. 

“Furniture store?” Mama echoed, as if she'd never heard the phrase before. 

“You said you wanted to look at getting another bookshelf,” Penny said. 

“Oh. Oh, right, yeah. Of course. I'll check my schedule.” 

“Are you okay? You sound a little…” Penny tailed off.

Sofia didn't need to look up to know that Mama was looking at her, but she glanced up anyway and caught Mama racing to avert her gaze. Maybe Mama was worried that Sofia was going to start crying again. 

“I'll tell you about it later,” Mama said quietly, and Penny's face softened in understanding and she nodded, and Sofia wondered if they both thought that she was deaf as well as utterly stupid. 

“If you're going to talk about me, you can do it in front of me,” Sofia said coldly. Penny looked shocked, but Mama didn't look surprised at all. Mama sort of looked like she'd just been waiting for something like this. “I'm not an idiot. Me and Mama would still be in Seattle if it wasn't for you. Why don't you just go away?” 

“Sof-” Mama gently tried, but Sofia pushed back from the table and stood up before she could finish. 

“I'm going to call Zola,” Sofia announced, ignoring the sad looks on Mama and Penny's faces. “Remember her? She's my best friend, and she lives in Seattle.” And she stormed over to the kitchen island, grabbed the phone, and stalked off into her bedroom. 

Later, she'd look back and realise that Mama hadn't even tried to fight her. That should've been her first clue.

It was exactly nineteen days later when Mom came to New York again, this time with Auntie April, arriving with a big suitcase for Sofia to pack up her favourite books and toys. It was a temporary fix until Mama could send the rest of Sofia's things back to Seattle.

Auntie April helped Sofia pack while Mom and Mama talked in the kitchen. Penny was out at work and had said goodbye to her that morning. Sofia had felt nothing at all when Penny hugged her for the last time. 

“This is all my fault. Mama’s sad because of me,” Sofia said, standing around doing nothing when she was supposed to be sorting through which toys she wanted to take.

“It's not your fault, Sofia,” Auntie April said. 

But Sofia knew that wasn't true. A few days after Mom's last visit, Mama had sat her down and told her that she thought it would be best if Sofia moved back to Seattle. Hearing those words leave Mama's mouth, that she didn't want Sofia in New York anymore, had felt like a punch to the stomach.

“Honey, no, this isn't about me not wanting you here. That's not it at all.” Mama had held her tightly against her chest and rocked her back and forth as Sofia cried and cried and promised to be a better kid. “You're a great kid, baby, and I know you've tried so hard to be happy here, but I don't want you to have to try so hard anymore. There are so many good things for you in Seattle. You'll be with your friends again at your old school, you'll have Zola, you'll have your aunts and uncles, and of course you'll have your mom.” 

“But you won't be there. Can't you come too?” Sofia had cried, but Mama had done that thing where she avoided answering directly, and instead kept kissing Sofia's hair and telling her I love you, I love you so much, I love you more than PB&J. 

Despite Sofia's lack of help, all too soon Auntie April announced that they were finished packing. Sofia went out into the kitchen and found her moms sitting in silence. Mama was staring emptily into space, holding tight to the coffee mug she'd painted at that place they'd all gone to together, and Mom was texting on her phone, a furrow of vague annoyance pinching her brows. Sofia knew it was Mom's someone at work is being dumb face, otherwise she would've worried that maybe her parents had been fighting about the fact that in less than two hours, Sofia would be getting on a plane to Seattle with Mom and would not be coming back.

“Okay, we're all packed.” Auntie April was the most alive of them all, sweeping into the room with a paper checklist that she finished ticking off with a satisfied flourish. 

Sofia didn't know why Auntie April had come all this way to help her move, but she was glad for her presence, because for once Sofia was not enjoying being alone with her parents, especially when neither of them were saying much of anything.  

(“They're not upset with you, my love. Your mom is so excited for you to come back to Seattle, it's just that she's feeling sad for your other mom too,” Auntie April had said, when they'd first gone into Sofia's room to pack and she'd voiced the quiet worry that Mom didn't seem as happy as she usually did to see her, and Mama had been really sad for the past two weeks, ever since the decision had been made.)

Mama came alive again, plastering on a big smile. 

“Okay then, looks like it's time for me to drive you guys to the airport.” Mama's voice caught on the last word. She rubbed a nervous hand across her mouth and emitted a weird little laugh, and Mom's hand jerked against the tabletop, like maybe she was considering taking Mama's hand. “Let’s get our shoes on. If we get there early, we'll have time for fries before you board.”

Sofia rode in the back with Auntie April, and Mama drove while Mom sat in the passenger seat, her blue eyes hidden behind a pair of sunglasses. Mom rolled the window down and Sofia closed her eyes, enjoying the warm breeze skimming across her face. Summer break was approaching soon; hopefully there would be sunshine in Seattle.

At the airport, they sat at a red plastic table and ate burgers and fries. Auntie April was the only one with a real appetite, shrugging and helping herself when Mom pushed half of her own meal towards her. “I feel like the vacuum cleaner in that show Harriet likes to watch,” Auntie April joked, and Sofia only smiled after she saw Mama smiling. It felt wrong to be any kind of happy when she was about to leave her.

Because, no, she didn't want to be in New York, not really, but New York was where Mama was. And this had never been what Sofia wanted. She'd never wanted to leave Mama. 

Sofia pushed around the fries on her plate, dragging one through the ketchup until it turned mushy and inedible. 

This was exactly how she'd felt before, when they'd been at the airport in Seattle and it sank in that Mom wasn't coming with them. She'd not wanted to leave Mom then, either. 

But Mama had been so happy and excited, and Mom had been smiling too and talking about how New York was such an interesting city, and Sofia had been stupid enough to believe they were right that New York would be good.

At the gate, it was time for Mama to leave. Sofia really, really didn't want to cry. She could tell that Mama was trying hard not to cry too, and she felt terrible enough that she'd made Mama cry so much already, so she silently promised herself that no matter what, her eyes would stay dry.

Mama crouched down in front of her, smiling really wide, but not wide enough to hide the shininess in her eyes.

“Now you be good, okay? You can call or text me whenever you want. I'm gonna come visit you really soon, I promise. It'll go by so quick, you won't even notice it.” Then Mama hugged her, and Sofia tried to find the words she wanted to say, but her mind felt like it had turned into a huge scribble and suddenly she couldn't remember how to match her feelings up to any words. 

Sofia looked back before they turned the corner, waving one last time to Mama, who was standing there watching them go. 

“You take the window seat, Sof,” Mom said on the plane. Sofia settled by the window and dug her nails into her palms to keep her tears at bay. Was Mama still standing in the airport? Was she going to wait at the window and watch their plane take off? 

“Would it be bad if I ordered a cocktail?” Auntie April wondered, and Mom chuckled humorlessly, “No, go for it. If I could, I'd be having one too, believe me.”

At some point, Sofia fell asleep watching the movie playing on Mom's tablet. She woke to the sound of other passengers getting their luggage down from the overhead storage and Mom gently whispering that it was time for them to go. 

Sleepy, Sofia held Mom's hand as they walked through the airport. It was getting dark outside, and the lights inside felt too white and bright in comparison. Auntie April marched a little ahead, pulling the big suitcase full of Sofia's things. 

“Why did Auntie April come today?” Sofia kept her voice quiet, just in case April overheard and misunderstood and thought that Sofia hadn't liked having her around. 

“Well that's easy, Sof. I asked her to come so we could make her pull the suitcase,” Mom replied easily, adding in a smile and wink. Sofia laughed for the first time since leaving Mama and she laughed even more when Auntie April, without turning around or slowing in her pace, grumpily called back, “I heard that, Arizona.”

In the big outside carpark, Auntie Meredith and Zola had come to pick them up. Sofia went running to Zola and they met halfway, almost knocking each other over in the process. Zola rushed to fill her in on everything she'd missed at school and whilst Sofia became absorbed in trying to remember everything, she distractedly thought she might've heard Auntie April say in a low voice Don't be sad, look, she's happy and Auntie Meredith saying something about how a strong tequila will fix you up, but when Sofia turned around to look, they’d already finished putting the suitcase in the trunk and abruptly stopped talking. 

Three weeks later, Sofia felt like a new kid. She was back at her old school in Seattle, spending her days in the classroom with the red and yellow cubbyholes at the back, with the crayon drawings on the walls, and her teacher, Miss Newark, who gave her a brand-new selection of crayons to put in her stationery pot to welcome her back. 

Out on the playground, Sofia took turns jumping rope with Zola and their other friend, Kia, who Sofia had missed like crazy too. At the end of the day, Sofia ran across the front yard in her pink butterfly sneakers and yellow socks with the seahorses on, to her mom who was waiting next to Auntie Meredith. 

“Zola is waiting for Bailey to use the toilet,” Sofia helpfully told Auntie Meredith.

“Thanks, Sofia. It’s not often I don’t see you two together,” Auntie Meredith smiled back. Her little girl, Ellis, was hiding behind her legs. Sofia waved at Ellis and smiled when the little girl gave a shy wave back.

Mom said bye to Auntie Meredith, then took Sofia’s hand and asked if she was ready to go. 

“Are we walking today?” Sofia asked joyfully. It was a nice day today, a clear blue sky and a warm breeze.

Sofia started to skip as they walked down the street, past other parents walking home with their kids or herding them into cars. 

“You know I only bring the car if I’ve got to go back to the hospital,” Mom laughingly reminded. “Walking is good for us.” 

“I know.” Sofia smiled. “But you also bring the car sometimes if your leg is hurting you.” 

Sofia had once overheard Mama mention to Auntie Meredith, months and months ago before New York, that Mom didn’t like it when Mama talked about the prosthetic leg. Sofia didn’t quite get why, because every time she’d asked questions about it, Mom hadn’t gotten mad at all. Sometimes, when she could tell that Mom was avoiding getting off the couch because her leg was hurting, Sofia would go into the kitchen and bring back a cookie to make Mom feel better. Thank you, this is very sweet of you, Mom would smile, then playfully narrow her eyes and pinch Sofia’s cheek, laughing, but I’m pretty sure you did this so you could have a cookie too. 

Wondering if Mom would be bothered now, Sofia glanced up, but Mom had an easy, relaxed smile on her face. Mom was pretty much always smiling since Sofia had come back to Seattle. It was a nice change from New York. Mama hadn’t smiled nearly as much as Mom did now. 

“You’re right,” Mom said softly, squeezing her hand. “Sometimes I do need to rest it a little.” 

As they walked home, Mom asked about her day, and Sofia was happy to recount how her sock plant was growing lots of grass hair. The class had already started the project before Sofia came back to Seattle, but Miss Newark got her a spare plastic pot and helped her make her own during breaktime. Zola and Kia kept coming up to the window, waving at them from the outside. Miss Newark hadn’t minded when Sofia spilled some dirt on the table, distracted by waving back to her friends.

Mom was wondering aloud what they should have for dinner tonight - Sofia was hoping she could convince her to get takeout, because homemade dinners just weren’t that nice unless Mama made them - when Sofia’s heart suddenly felt like it grew two sizes in happiness and she broke free of Mom’s hand, rushing ahead across the grass to the woman sitting on Mom’s front steps.

“Mama!”

Sofia almost didn’t believe Mama was actually here, but then Mama had picked her up and was spinning her around, the blue sky flying past like she was on a fairground ride that Mom was always too anxious to get on. I just don’t like heights, Mom said, and later, after Sofia had whined that Mom was unfair when it came to rollercoasters, Mama pulled her aside and explained it was because of the accident Mom and Daddy were in, so Sofia should do her best to understand. It’s only because she loves you, Mama said. 

“Hey, baby girl.” Mama finally set Sofia down on her feet. Mama was smiling big, looking so pretty and laughing when Sofia hugged her around the middle and didn’t let go. “You look happy. Did you have a good day at school?”

“Mister Green has two inches of hair!” 

“Mister Green?”

“The sock plant thing,” Mom said, her shadow appearing and falling beside Sofia’s feet. “I’m sure she told you all about it.”

“Oh, right, yeah. Hey, that’s so cool, Sof! It’s growing quick.”

“How long are you staying? You could come to school and see him!” Sofia craned her neck directly upwards to see if Mama liked the sound of that, but Mama was looking straight ahead at Mom.

“I, er, I’m not sure how long I’m staying. A few days at least.” Mama’s throat bobbed, then she looked down and smiled wide again. “Hey, I’m just gonna talk to your mom really quick, then we can talk about everything I’ve missed. How’s that sound?”

Sofia wasn’t stupid. She knew Mama wanted her gone because she needed to talk to Mom about grown-up stuff, and that grown-up stuff, in all likelihood, was probably to do with her, as their daughter, and what side of the country she was living in. 

Sometimes, although she knew her moms loved her, she felt a little bit like just another one of those cardboard boxes Mama had sent her toys back in, just another item to be passed between her moms and shipped anywhere and everywhere. 

“Okay,” Sofia said, because she knew that saying what she wanted to, you’re just going to be talking about me, was only going to be met with weak denials or blatant avoidance. 

Sofia was tired of this back-and-forth. She felt better now that she was back in Seattle, things feeling almost normal again. But Mama wasn’t here. And whilst she was so happy that Mama had flown out to surprise her, if the past couple of months had taught her anything, it was that she couldn’t fully trust it. Soon enough, Mama would leave and go back to New York, and Sofia’s heart would be split between two different worlds again. 

If Sofia could, she’d be like that kid in this book Miss Newark was reading to them. He had a superpower which meant he could be in two different places at once. Sofia needed something like that. 

She went inside, promising Mom that she’d make a start on her homework, then waited until Mom had closed the front door and gone back outside with Mama before she went sprinting down the corridor to the basement door. She leant up on her tiptoes, undid the latch, and after pulling the lightswitch cord, ran down the stairs as fast as she dared. 

Technically she wasn’t allowed to be in here by herself, but Mama always talked about how Daddy used to break the rules all the time when he was a kid. He was a troublemaker, Mama grinned, before she’d gotten a panicked sort of look on her face and added, but, uh, he’d be so glad you’re such a good kid. He wouldn’t want you to be naughty. He’d definitely want you to, uh, respect your elders and everything.

There was a small, rectangular window at the top of the wall. Sofia clambered up the storage boxes with ease, aided by many hours of practice on the jungle gym, and leaned across to push the window open. It was at the side of the house behind some bushes, and if her moms had stayed on the porch, then there was a good chance that she’d be able to hear what they were saying.

Sofia was only six, but before long she would be seven, and that meant her days of accidentally overhearing were over. She was in the business of purposeful eavesdropping now. 

(“I think my mom would say that eavesdropping is bad, but she does always say it’s important to be informed…” Zola had paused, considering. She and Sofia were at the edge of the playground by the swings, having a very important discussion about whether or not Sofia should try and listen in on Mom’s calls when speaking to Mama. “I think you should listen in when you can,” Zola had decided, clapping her hands in finality. “As a future doctor, I think you should gather all the information you can.”)

“- looks happier now. I mean, god, she was skipping when I first saw you. Skipping!” That was Mama’s voice. Sofia couldn’t help but smile at the mere sound of her voice. Mama was here, in Seattle. She never wanted her to leave. “Have you had any problems?”

“Nothing more than I’ve already told you.” Mom. “She mentions you, she looks sad, I change the subject, and she seems okay again. I know she misses your cooking. The other night she said she wanted lasagne but after I offered to make one, all of a sudden it was ‘no, no, Mom, never mind, let’s have pizza instead!’” 

“She’s such a sweet kid,” Mama laughed. “She’ll never say it directly to your face.”

“Oh, I know. She wouldn’t tell Andrew that his outfit looked bad - oh my god, Callie, you should’ve seen it, I don’t know how he managed to make himself look ugly with that face of his, but he managed it - anyway, she was too sweet to tell him. It was all over her face, though. He got the message.”

“Do you think talking to the school guidance counsellor is helping?” 

“I think so. Sofia seems to like her. And she seems…I don’t know. She’s calmer, I guess, on the days when she’s spoken to her.”

There was quiet for a while. Then, “We probably should’ve made her talk to someone sooner,” Mama said, so quietly that Sofia almost missed it, and eventually Mom sighingly agreed, “Yeah, I think you’re right.” 

The guidance counsellor’s name was Miss Sandy. At first, Sofia hadn’t felt much like talking, a bit annoyed that she’d been pulled out of class, away from her friends, to sit in a small room with a lady she didn’t know. But it turned out Miss Sandy was nice, and she didn’t mind Sofia picking up the animal figurines on the shelves, and they bonded over Spongebob and how Miss Sandy was lucky to share a name with the underwater squirrel scientist. Do you like science, Sofia? Your moms are doctors, aren’t they, so I wonder if that means you’re good at science, too, Miss Sandy had said. Sofia had agreed that she liked science, but she preferred drawing, and Miss Sandy had said that was a fine choice. Then Miss Sandy had asked if Sofia was glad to be back in Seattle, and Sofia had picked at her thumb for a while, staring down at the scratch marks on the table, and eventually replied that in Seattle, she could wear her pink butterfly sneakers and yellow socks with the seahorses on to school. And does that make Seattle better than New York? Miss Sandy’s voice had been all gentle and casual as she encouraged Sofia to help her build a Lego tower. And Sofia, in the end, despite feeling a little bit sick, like maybe she’d done something wrong, like the time that she went in the candy pot behind Mama’s back and ate a bunch even though she’d already had dessert, quietly admitted, Yeah, I like Seattle better than New York. 

Sofia ran her fingers along the windowsill and started making swirls in the dust. She wished she had some plasticine to play with. 

“Sorry I didn’t call. I didn’t know I would be coming, in all honesty. I got in my car to go to work this morning and the next thing I knew, I was at the airport. I wasn’t even thinking. I’m not sure I’m thinking now. I just…I don’t know. I don’t know how you managed to do this. Being so far away from her, I mean.” 

Sofia counted all the way to twenty six before Mom replied.

“It was hard.” Mom’s voice was heavy, like maybe she was carrying a lot of Sofia’s books up the stairs, or trying to move the couch because she’d dropped an earring underneath it and didn’t want to wait for Andrew to get home because we are independent women, Sofia, and we do not need to wait for a man to do anything. But it turned out that Mom did because the couch was really heavy. Stupid freaking couch, Mom had muttered, and Sofia had promptly gone to get the cookies to cheer her up, and also because she was hungry, even though she’d insisted the cookies had been purely for Mom’s benefit, not that her mom had believed her for a second. 

“I’m sorry. I know it’s not enough, but I am so sorry, Arizona. You were right. I shouldn’t have moved to New York. It was stupid and I was being totally selfish. Staying in Seattle was always what was best for Sofia. I see that now.” 

“We all make mistakes, Callie.” 

“As big as this? Yeah, right,” Mama said flatly. 

“Listen, Callie, if it’s me, above all others, who’s telling you to give yourself a break, you should probably listen. Sofia’s going to be okay. She’s tough.”

“I just wish we hadn’t put her through all this. It must’ve been so confusing for her.”

“I don’t know, she’s surprisingly perceptive. I think she picks up on a lot more than she lets on.” 

“Well, she certainly knew how to call out me and Penny. Somehow I never saw any of it coming.” 

“Do you…know what’s going to happen with Penny?” Mom sounded uncertain, like she wasn’t sure she should’ve asked. 

“I can’t be without Sofia, and Penny can’t leave New York, so I think it’s pretty obvious what’s going to happen.” Mama went quiet. “Still can’t quite bring myself to do it, though. Penny knows it’s coming. I think she does, at least. I can’t decide if that makes it better or worse.” 

“I’m really sorry, Callie. I mean it. Don’t look at me like that, I don’t hate the woman, Callie, geez.” 

“I honestly wouldn’t blame you if you did, after all of this. If the roles were reversed, I know I would.” 

“Well, I don’t know.” Mom was quiet. “I guess what makes all of this so hard is that I don’t think anybody is the bad guy. There’s just a bunch of people who love each other in impossible circumstances. But I don’t want you to worry that, you know, if things end up not working out with Penny, that there won’t be anybody else. The dating world will be thrilled to have you back on the market.” 

“You think so?”

“I know so. There are so many people out there who’d kill for the chance to love you, Callie.” 

“Do you think there’s many people out there who’d love me enough to give me plane tickets?”

There was quiet for a long time after Mama said that, which Sofia supposed was because Mom was trying to figure out something nice to say in response, because that had been a pretty weird thing to say. If you loved someone a lot, you’d do something like give them the bigger slice of cake or share your orange at breaktime like Sofia always did with Zola. 

But grown-ups were weird like that. They got excited about stuff like new sponges and discounted coffee. Sofia and Zola had promised each other that when they got older, they were not going to become weird adults who cared about stuff like that. They were going to remember to get excited about the important things, like ice cream.

At last, Mom said, “I think there’ll be people lining up to give you plane tickets.” Then her voice was a little shaky when she added, “And if not, I know at least one person who will be.”

It was quiet for a really long time after that, and Sofia wished the bushes weren’t blocking her view, because now she had no idea what was going on. Beyond that, she was starting to need the toilet. She was kind of thankful when Mom finally spoke again, saying they ought to go inside, as that was the perfect cue for her to race back upstairs and ensure her moms never found out she’d been in the basement without permission. 

Come morning, Sofia worried that Mama showing up had only been a dream. But when she rushed downstairs, there Mama was on the couch, still asleep under a cocoon of blankets, wearing one of Mom’s grey hoodies because Mama had been silly enough to not bring any clothes with her.

When Mama woke up, Sofia was already settled on the floor next to the couch, watching Spongebob with the television volume on low. Technically she wasn’t supposed to watch cartoons before school, but that was one of Mom’s rules and maybe Mama wouldn’t know that. 

“Morning, Sof, what time is it?” Mama made a grunt of complaint when Sofia clicked the remote to make the time show up. “God, already? Okay. You want something nice for breakfast?”

Sofia was feeling pretty happy about how the morning was going. In general, Fridays were usually good, but sitting at the kitchen island and talking to Mama while she cooked at the stove, knowing that Mom was somewhere upstairs, was making this the best Friday she’d had in a long time. Mama tipped scrambled eggs and bacon onto her plate, and had just convinced her to have a couple tomatoes too, when Mom finally came downstairs. 

“Hey.” Mama’s smile faltered a little, holding the spatula and frying pan like she’d just remembered that she’d forgotten to do something important. “Um, I hope you don’t mind. You always organise your cupboards the same way so I found where everything was and, uh…”

Mom came over and pressed a kiss to Sofia’s head. “Good morning, Little Miss,” she said, and then, “You don’t have to apologise for cooking. I just hope you made enough for me because I am starving.” 

As she started eating, Sofia watched her moms move around each other like it was second nature, stepping out of each other’s way before one of them even had to ask. 

Unwanted, more of Liana’s words floated back to her. Liana’s voice had become just as bad as a song on the radio which she couldn’t shake off.

“Miracles don’t happen. That’s the most important thing you must remember,” Liana had lectured, making Sofia wait for her while she redid her hair in the mirror. She wasn’t wearing hairspray that day. Apparently Liana’s mom was a major bitch and had taken it off her as punishment. “Dried up prune, that’s why she’s still single,” Liana had sneered, then, “Anyway, don’t ever let yourself think about your parents getting back together, because it will never happen. Divorce is final. Grown-ups are terrible at loving each other.”

But on that morning, watching Mom laugh at something Mama said, her blonde hair glowing gold from the sun streaming through the window, Mama’s teeth glinting white as she grinned wider than the time Sofia got full marks on her spelling test, Sofia decided that Liana’s advice was, for the most part, pretty bad. After all, Liana had been wrong about so much. Mom hadn’t stopped calling; in fact, Mom had taken her back to Seattle, back to the school she loved and back to her friends. Mom and Mama both said they hadn’t gotten divorced because of sex or Penny, so Liana had been wrong about that, too. And Mama had said to Mom out on the porch that she couldn’t stand being away anymore, so surely that meant Mama was maybe-hopefully-definitely going to move back to Seattle. So what the heck did Liana know about her family, anyway?

Nothing.

Mom turned the radio on and some old song started playing, one which she and Mama got excited about. Sofia grinned as Mama started doing a little dance. Mom leaned against the counter and watched, her cheeks turning a little pink, maybe because she was standing in the sun, and Sofia allowed herself to feel, despite all of Liana’s so-called wisdom, hope to grow bigger and bigger inside her chest, until it had grown so big it felt like she was humming all over. 

Maybe by the time summer vacation started, everything would be back to how it had been before. Mama would forget about New York and Penny, and when school was out, all three of them could go for a picnic in the park in Seattle, like a real family did.

And maybe, just maybe, she'd never have to choose.