Chapter Text
First really can’t help himself when Khaotung falls asleep shirtless on his couch, in his condo. He has been sane and well adjusted recently, he hasn’t stolen any of Khaotung’s stuff in at least a full few weeks and only ever allows himself to think his unfiltered thoughts when he’s certain he is alone but this time he’s frail, feeble even and having a half naked, lithe and delicate looking Khaotung passed out while cuddled up next to him in his living room feels like an offering from God himself or a bit of mercy given to ease his unending plight and torment. The sight is unfathomable to First despite not being unfamiliar, they grew up together and have seen each other naked way more times than he could count but in this context? He started feeling the heat kick up inside each of his limbs, heart stammering wildly as he watched Khaotung sleep peacefully. Deranged thought after deranged thought bombarded him with every passing second, things he would never do, things he should never do. He wanted to pinch Khaotung’s soft cheeks and shower his friend with the utmost love and affection, forever he realized. First wasn't delusional to think that he would ever be afforded such a chance though, he was doomed to never know Khaotung in this way by choice, he was pessimistic towards his own hope that one day their relationship would unfurl or that one day he would have the courage to confess but he knew himself. That was never happening. He’s reaching out to play with his soft chest before he even realized what he was truly doing. Changing his position to sit between his legs, he used both hands to gently caress his sides and trail his hands up to the warm skin around his chest. Khaotung stirred a bit but mostly sighed into his touch in a way that made his heart swell, made his brain turn to trembling mush, like he was fondling an actual princess and was seconds away from being arrested by enraged castle guards. He couldn’t control himself even if he wanted to, he used his thumbs to rub soft circles over Khaotung’s pretty brown nipples and pressed into them lightly, he watched him arch his back, subsequently pressing his chest further into First’s hands. First was nearly shaking at the sight, his mind wandering horribly at the prospect of doing more, worse. The soft sounds that left Khaotung’s mouth and the light whines he let out when he pinched and tugged at his nipples, it all drove him crazy. He felt his sanity teeter further and was already hard before he even did much, his thoughts alone while watching the other sleep probably could’ve gotten him off. But the act of actually doing something was too much, soft skin under his hands and his best friend’s beautiful face contorting sweetly to his actions, he was hurdling towards finishing in his pants that moment so he fully stopped. Khaotung’s face was still cutely scrunched, brows raised a bit as he settled back into a deep sleep. First was sitting back into the couch when he turned to look again at Khao’s blushing face. “firr..” Khaotung sighed, sleepy hands rubbing at his bare chest lazily, First was floored. He was trying so hard to be good, decent and anything but perverted about this. Because who is he to determine what this meant? Khaotung could be dreaming, he could just miss him, it could even be a subconscious sleep response to knowing him, it could literally mean anything other than what First wanted it to mean so badly. The idea that Khaotung wanted him to continue was too good to be true, it didn’t even make sense in his own doomed perspective. Hell, he could’ve been so worked up that he was just straight up hallucinating. First was sitting and gripping his knees, silently begging himself to be the same version of himself that everyone respected and looked to but for a moment, he had lost himself. Khaotung tested his self control and self concept in ways that were simply incomprehensible to him, the enormity of his desire to have him, to hold him and love him was just immeasurable. First already felt like he was nothing without Khaotung despite the others swearing of otherwise, like a part of his soul would be missing if Khaotung were to disappear or leave him, all of his thoughts when it came to his friend were catastrophic and fatalistic, very black and white and absolute in nature. First never thought he could get worse, become even more devoted to Khaotung, more devolved in his will to fight against his own corruption, but he did. That moment where Khaotung was calling for him in a moment of pleasure actually broke him.
[Present Day]
First stood behind Khaotung while they looked at the large shelves of books. The full rows touched the ceilings and had little gaps, they’d probably be here all day today and for First that was concerning. Khaotung stood on his tiptoes, searching for a niche book on interior design that he had been eagerly looking for. First was actively biting all the skin off of his lower lip, caught in a search of his own but not in the right way. Khaotung always smelled so good, like sweets or anything edible and it only served to make First’s life harder. Especially now with Khaotung up close and pouting at him, flashing his usual,“Fiiir, can you reach and get it for me?” eyes. He couldn’t refuse him anything and honestly wouldn’t dream of it truthfully, he wanted to give Khaotung everything until he was left with nothing and then more. So much more most times that he felt out of control, just like now.
One book became three and he couldn’t control himself anymore, he stood behind a searching Khaotung and dropped his entire head down to have his face planted directly in to the crook of his neck, inhaling the sweet smelling perfume his best friend had on and wrapping his arms around his waist. His whole body shivered and his heart clenched horribly, he wanted to eat him whole right then and there in the middle of the aisle like a person unchained and starving. First sighed into his neck and Khaotung just giggled at it the action like it was a joke. He had no idea what was going through First’s mind, how badly First wanted to put his hands on him in way that would undoubtedly change both their lives.
First was a sweet guy, “a baby” people often said, but his innocence was conditional. That condition being key to his survival, his happiness, his peace. Any sense of “innocence” when presented with said condition was long forgotten. Being truly alone with or at his most depraved, just around Khaotung at all was that condition. He hasn’t been normal since he met him honestly, he thinks he was a shell of himself prior. Khaotung brought sunlight into his life in a way he couldn’t express. And who was First to not want to bask and indulge entirely in the suns glow, endlessly consuming it and it’s benefits? He’s not even like this with anyone else, he finds his own behavior to be morally bankrupt in any other sense or situation with literally any other person but for some reason; with Khaotung, he just can’t stop himself. He felt trapped between wanting the other to know just how badly he wanted him and wanting to keep their friendship normal so he just settled for this weird in between where he would loose his fucking mind and reach out to hold or touch him and make some type of contact that would settle his mind until the next time he broke character and had to do it again. He was like a drug addict who swore up and down that they would stop and get help to better their life but always ended up right back on the same drugs they swore they wouldn’t touch. A treacherous cycle with no end in sight was what First was in currently, head buried in Khaotung’s soft neck and breathing in like a dog in heat.
“Ai’Firr, are you okay?” Khaotung asked gently, tickled by the breath on his neck and putting a hand up to pat First’s head in comfort. “Yeah..I’m just…tired.” First replied, scent drunk and delayed to stop himself from drooling and acting as weak as he felt. He should be able to walk around a book store with his best friend without crumbling to pieces like this, he felt guilty lying about it but there was also no way he could be honest with him about his behavior. What was he supposed to say? Sorry bro, I just really wanna put you in my mouth and maybe undress you in here and then devour you over and over until they catch us? There’s no way to say it or explain it to him. He’s far beyond helping himself at this point, leaning fully into his own learned helplessness.
The situation isn’t all that bad, First thinks shortly after getting some of his metaphorical drugs, riding the high and getting comfortable in it, basking in it. They bought the stack of books and Khaotung said they should head home so that First “can get some rest.” First had no qualms with the idea and followed him to the register and then the car, making their way home with a stack of books and a subdued, almost sated version First. Once they got home, which was really just First’s condo, they got comfortable and ordered food to be delivered. First sat on the couch and scrolled Twitter for a bit before he heard the telltale sounds of his best friend getting out of the shower, he wasn’t even thinking about it for once, he praised himself internally for his strong self control and new feat of restraint.
The thing is, he really wanted to be a good friend, to not be hung up on the what-if’s of their relationship but it was very hard. Khaotung himself made it very hard for him, he would almost say he wanted to blame him for half of what was even wrong with him but his heart wouldn’t let him. He fully blamed himself because at the end of the day he would do anything to see Khaotung happy, smiling, at peace. Khaotung was his best friend, correct, but he was also in many ways his actual princess, someone he borderline worshipped and admired. First knew this be true in every way you could imagine and he treated him exactly as you would treat royalty. Pampering him and serving him, nearly hand and foot was just a part of their dynamic. Often getting called Khaotung’s “sugar daddy” was not really a negative thing to him since that meant the role was taken, reserved; owned by First. So yes. He spoiled Khaotung rotten to be frank, he couldn’t help it truly due to it all being extremely satisfying for him to be the source of his best friend’s joy and greatest appreciations in life. It gave him a sense of purpose and a reason to work hard and make more money, so he really couldn’t complain. That precious angelic smile he received each time made him feel like it was all worth it and Khaotung returned the favor by always supporting him and uplifting his dreams and aspirations to the fullest, never leaving his side and showing him genuine respect. By always being the one person in First’s life that made him feel fulfilled and complete, he had chosen to commit himself to Khaotung before they could ever discuss it. Which they probably wouldn’t, as they’ve yet too still.
To anyone looking from the outside in, it makes perfect sense for them to think they were in a loving and committed relationship with each other. However, this wasn’t the case at all, it was actually more like being committed with no title or maybe devoted with no ring’s, assets, or any true words of relationship affirmation. First wasn’t really sure what to call it and didn’t like to think about it too deeply. What they had was so good as is and he wouldn’t change anything unless Khaotung wanted too at this point in time, they shared a life and a career and in a way, a heart. So when when Khaotung came back from his shower dripping water and in one of First’s T-shirts he was met with, as you could imagine, the same feeling he assumed someone would get from seeing their wife in their clothes post honeymoon or something as scandalous and equally as heartwarming.
First wasn’t staring per se but he was definitely looking, eyes going from his phone to Khaotung’s legs where he stood in the kitchen, grabbing the food that was sat out by First on the counter. “Ready to eat, khun nu?” First teased, trying not to linger in his own thoughts. Khaotung nodded while excitedly plating their food and they both ate while watching whatever was on the massive TV in his living room. The couch they sat on had witnessed things First could never speak of and it was crawling around the back of his mind, he finished his food and put the plate on the table in front of him. Khaotung had already finished and was curled up beside him while on his phone, doom scrolling it seemed. First tried to ignore it, the itch to do something, say something, have anything happen that would completely alter their lives. He felt ill. Like something came over him, as if he was literally mutating into something or being forcibly turned into something, a monster.
About 30 minutes had passed and Khaotung was out cold again on the couch with his phone sliding out of his hand and into his lap, going entirely unnoticed. First weighed his options, surely it was a one off thing; touching Khaotung in his sleep is already strange and cruel reprehensible behavior he can’t ever come back from but he remembers how much the other seemed to almost…like it. He doesn’t know, maybe Khaotung is seeing someone but that seems far fetched since they spend literally all their free time together, neither of them have time to truly date or even do casual hookups. The only things his sickened brain can come up with to justify what happened last time is that maybe, Khaotung wants it to be him, maybe subconsciously. But that was enough for First, you have to understand, Khaotung wanting him at all was enough. Awake, asleep, subconsciously, it didn’t make it any less meaningful to First. He would take it and run with it if he could and that’s what he felt like doing now. This idea that he was truly an unhinged criminal or a sick pervert couldn’t even be found in his head anymore because now all he could think about was how sweetly the other had called his name while he touched him. Khaotung sounded desperate then, for him to stay and keep going and take it further, touch him deeper, more, harder even. First was loosing it, sweat prickling his armpits and his skin heating up all wrapped into his stomach doing flips at just the prospect of feeling up his best friend while he slept and if God himself was watching he’d probably just beg him to avert his gaze, First was weak.
Khaotung lied with his back against the arm of the couch, head thrown back and exposing all the soft skin between his neck and collarbones, snoring softly, First’s shirt dropped off one his shoulders as he shifted around in his slumber and his legs that were once pulled up in front of him seemed to droop apart. First felt absolutely feral, like a werewolf being taunted with fresh meat, the way Khaotung slept so soundly in his clothes without a care in the world or any sense of concern about how that might make First feel. God, he created a spoiled and truly pampered little princess. An oblivious one, at that. First felt like an exposed wire, untethered, raw and sparking incessantly at nothing. Khaotung had his feet tucked underneath First’s leg, seeking warmth he assumed but all he could think about was how the part of them that touched, the part of them was connected, set off a raging wildfire inside him. He wanted to grab him by his thin ankles and literally just put him in his mouth. Whole, if he could. Unhinging his jaw like a snake and making a quick meal out of him, the feeling had him by the throat. He turned and reached out to wrap a hand around Khaotung’s calf, letting his finger gingerly follow its natural curve into his knee, he repeated it with the other hand and Khaotung’s other calf and felt himself already reaching half mast. First shut his eyes and prayed to whoever was listening that Khaotung wouldn’t wake up for starters and two that he could be forgiven if he made it out of this situation and into heaven. First licked his chapped lips and placed a soft, tender kiss on both of his knees. He truly adored Khaotung and it spilled out when he got like this, trembling hands while holding him, afraid to admire him in full as if Khaotung was a precious jewel and he was a thief. He truly would never get like this with anyone else, he felt so out control with desire. Gently and oh so slowly spreading his best friend’s legs, he wanted to completely bury his face in between them, face planting in Khaotung’s crotch and to finally just die there. First was drunk off of all of it, even his legs smelled good, his thighs were so supple and soft to the touch that it formed a lump in his throat that he couldn’t swallow without groaning out loud at the mere sight, at the mere feeling. He craned his neck and dropped a small kiss into Khaotung’s inner thigh. Repeating the act with both legs, loosing himself as he took it a step further, licking and softly sucking the delicate skin. Khaotung whined, music to First’s ears, it broke him down and built him back up, in that moment he would’ve done anything to hear more, see more, taste more. Drunk off of an endless wanting, First considered something evil, definitely not normal but he wanted to touch his chest again. First wondered how many times he could do it before Khaotung would come to him, awake, begging for First to touch him, help him, in the way only he knew how. First bit his lips at the thought, he was already reaching for his own shirt that Khaotung had on. He gently lifted it up and sat it just above Khaotung’s pecs. First was so obsessed with him, enamored, infatuated and hopelessly in love with Khaotung, the way he looked so delicate and sweet, completely bare in front of him should’ve been enough. It really wasn’t though, First had to put his mouth on him. He leaned down and kissed his stomach, his abs, the warm spot above his heart, all while praying Khaotung wouldn’t wake up and catch him in his darkest lust driven hour. First was sick with it, cursed to want so so much and be awarded very little. He slid his hands up Khaotung’s sides and chest before rolling his soft nipples with his fingers, pinching lightly and squeezing gently only with the purpose of seeing him react. And God, did he react. This time around First was more grounded, more focused so he was able to watch his best friends breath grow shallow, huffing when First applied a bit more pressure to his swollen buds. He teased him with it and decided to run his finger only around the edges but never directly touching the peak, it made Khaotung arch his back in desperation and swallow harshly like he needed the direct contact, pressure, needed First’s fingers playing with him alone. First himself was so turned on he thought he was going to die, drunk off power in the worst way imaginable. He looked down Khaotung’s chest and noticed how it rose and fell deeper than usual, how red he was from the chest up and further below how hard his dick was just from First’s relentless teasing. He never wanted to take it this far in his life, nothing was ever this serious to him, but he wanted, needed so badly to put a part Khaotung in his mouth, he felt like he might genuinely snap and fuck him right then if he didn’t. Quenching his horrible thirst, he decided to just suck and lick at his chest, pathetically really, the pressure was light as he didn’t wanna wake him but he didn’t stop even when he felt Khaotung writhe underneath him. He looked up and watched Khaotung’s Addams apple bob in his throat when he finally wrapped his warm lips around his puffy nipple. This would suffice for First, the way Khaotung moaned and mewled made First work hard on each bud, eager to continue, to unravel Khaotung completely, trading one nipple for the other and dragging his tongue up against it like this was his life’s purpose. First swirling his tongue and sucking on him with any amount of pressure made Khaotung try to close his thighs around First’s torso, lightly raising his hips against nothing. First lapped at his chest like a dog, hellbent on consuming his friend and hungrier than ever. He wanted to do more so badly but couldn’t bring him self to cross that line. He felt impossibly close, again, to coming in his pants and had to stop, looking down at the deeply intimate scene beneath him. Khaotung sleepily gripping the edge of the couch with his puffy and swollen chest exposed and glossy wet like fruit, glistening in his face, he almost couldn’t believe this was the work of his own mouth. He ravished Khaotung like an unchained freak and couldn’t even fully feel bad in the moment because he just looked so perfect like this beneath him, in disarray, on the edge of pleasure. He had to stop. First quickly pulled his oversized shirt back down on Khaotung and got off the couch. He was fully going insane, even in his metaphorical drug induced haze he noticed that Khaotung was short of breath and every moan that left his lungs made First think he was close to waking up but he just didn’t, like he trusted First that much and it probably was a dream. He felt sick with himself for his actions now, a few feet away from his sleeping friend and so unbelievably horny that he wanted to fall to his knees in the living room. He ran his hands through his hair a couple times, the idea that he would’ve been caught during the act only pushed him further, he was truly a pervert with his friend’s chest in his mouth, he was mad at himself, a small part mad at his dearest friend for taunting him to this point of absolute perversion and if he was being honest he kind of wanted to be caught. That would free him, First thought. He hated keeping secrets from his best friend.
The secret only got worse as he tried to cool off in the bathroom, getting off after fondling his best friend really was not as simple as it seemed because Khaotung started to wake up shortly after First did it. Oblivious but still, he was awake and that short period of time that he assumed he had to get off had disappeared. He was almost completely set back to the beginning where he was foaming at the mouth to even just smell his friend in close proximity. Khaotung walked into the bathroom right when he about to finally let himself go and it totally threw him off, stopping him dead in his tracks, leaving him actually frozen with his dick in hand and thankfully hidden only by the steamed up glass walls of his shower, his blood running cold like he was caught red handed. He felt so wound up by the idea of being caught for a second that he fully had to physically prevent himself from coming, squeezing him self harshly and basically choking off his orgasm until Khaotung left the bathroom, this was his hell. “Fiiir~ I can’t sleep well on the couch and it’s so hot in the guest room, can I sleep in your room tonight?” Khaotung pouted as he barged into the bathroom while rubbing his tired eyes, sounding almost distressed. “Uh- yes, yeah. That’s fine, I’m sorry about the other room, I think I forgot to turn the ac on. You can go get some rest, don’t worry about it.” First replied, spooked and caught off guard so much so that he couldn’t really think about what he just agreed to. When Khaotung left the bathroom he silently cursed under his breath at himself, he wasn’t thinking, pre-nut haze deluded him into thinking he had enough self control to sleep in the same bed with his best friend. They had shared a bed before but First was so much worse now, he was sick with want and an insurmountable anxiety around the concept of closeness with Khaotung. This was nothing like when they were both 19 and shy with each other, they are well past that and often even cuddled together in the early morning if the cards fell into place for it to make sense. The image of sunshine pouring in over Khaotung’s face while snuggling against him in his own bed nearly brings him to his knees in the shower, a soft smile on his best friends face haunted him along with the brief memory of his rough sleepy voice saying a quiet and sweet, “Good Morning” All while looking up at him after noticing their cuddly position. First wanted to kiss him so badly that day, he could cry remembering it now. The weight of his feelings, the beautiful and comfortable energy of all their sweetest moments together; how was he supposed to stop himself from wanting his best friend in an earth shattering way, let alone share a bed with him at this stage of their relationship? After the things he’s done with him, and now to him , he’s just not well enough to trust himself fully. He thinks he genuinely doesn’t even deserve Khaotung after all he’s done. He fears he loves Khaotung entirely too much and it’s starting to become a true detriment to himself.
First finishes his shower by getting off twice and cranking the water temperature to ice cold at the end, shocking his system and mentally preparing for whatever fresh hell he’s about to be presented with. He dries himself off and tossed his clean clothes on to exit the bathroom, practically disassociated, trying to detach from his body and his mind. He assumed Khaotung would already be fast asleep, he had been in the shower for a little bit longer than usual. First enters his bedroom and scans it a bit, Khaotung is tucked half under the blankets and seems out cold. He released a deep breath he didn’t even know he was holding and walked to the lamp on his nightstand to switch it off. He’s too anxious about this, his head was spinning. Getting under the warm covers actually soothes his nerves a little, the soft breathing from his best friend beside him also helps. Delicate hands fell at his sides, First silently begged himself to get a grip and stop looking but honestly it was all futile. The moment he noticed his friend’s delicate fingers he was reaching out to hold his hand, lifting it to his face and pressing a small kiss against his palm. Khaotung’s soft skin against his lips always drove him to madness, he was fully immersed in what meant to be a victim to affection. Leaning closer to Khaotung and pressing his warm hand to his own cheek, the unmistakable feeling of being doomed to yearn so deeply and want so desperately for their current dynamic to change; he wanted to cry. Tears escaping him involuntarily, helplessly weeping in stark silence for a moment before he set Khaotung’s hand back down at his side. In the moments before falling asleep he wondered if Khaotung had ever really seen the way he suffered, the way he longed to be able to internalize every single moment they shared. Had he noticed? Was he aware of him? Would the mass of his desire to be with him scare him? He worried. It had scared him the most this time, he felt it festering inside his chest like termites and angry wasps. Even in his most twisted fantasies of a more intimate nature between them he couldn’t shake the feeling that he would cry at the point where he would be unite with him in any literal way, sobs would leave him endlessly and without question, he loved him too much. That was probably why he was cursed to never be allowed to cross this line. For fear of losing their careers, stability, and their livelihood; he fell asleep.