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“What the fuck did you do, Williams?”
Gary was seething, pacing back and forth in the small room of the sickbay, jaw set, brows furrowed, glaring at the panting, shivering mess on the gurney. There was no answer, of course, not with Rob being so out of it. For all Gary knew, the other man might not even be able to hear him right now.
“Captain, could you maybe stop moving around so much? It's distracting me,” Mark glared at him as well, with as much anger as concern. He was hunched over his med-glove, furiously punching in codes and frowning at the screen before once again trying to scan Rob's shaking body with the device.
“It just doesn't make any fucking sense,” he muttered finally, looking up at Gary. “All his symptoms, they don't add up. The computer can't see anything wrong with his state, despite the fact he's unconscious and, well, very much unwell,” Mark gestured at his patient before yanking the med-glove off his hand.
“So it's not any kind of disease? No bacteria or viruses in his blood? No poison? No parasites?” Gary threw all the possibilities at the medic but all he got was Mark shaking his head.
“Nothing like that shows in the scans or his bloodwork. Not a trace of any kind of drug either, legal nor illegal,” Mark added the last one with a bit of hesitation. “If I didn't know about his guard thing, I'd say he's high on something my glove just magically missed. I mean, there's the muscle tension, there's high blood pressure, his heart rate goes through the roof and so is the dopamine level... On the other hand, the level of adrenaline is sky high, too, and as far as I know, that could be a side effect of the guard repelling whatever shit he took...”
Gary rubbed his forehead with a tired gesture and then looked at his friend, biting his lip. The shaking stopped, but the fever was apparently still going. Rob's face was flushed, and his skin was covered in a sheen of sweat that marked the thin white sheet that Mark used to cover his modesty. The man shifted and moaned softly, turning his head to the side and tensing visibly for a moment, as if he was in pain.
“Do you think it could've been something... from the Darmakians?” Gary asked finally, looking back at Mark. All the explanation the man was giving him didn't really ring any bells – Gary might know what to do to make wounds stop bleeding and what meds to use to ease the pain, but that was just about it. The only thing he got from Mark's little lecture was that Rob took something he wasn't supposed to and so he'd rather go with some shady business his friend fell victim to than the version of Rob trying to go back to his old ways.
“I hope not... Gods, you did tell him not to eat anything there, didn't you?” Mark looked panicked for a second. “They have all sort of weird stuff there, poisons that we know nothing off, possibly undetectable, plants... If he ate something then all we can do now is pray!”
Gary groaned, hiding his face in his hand, a matching sound coming to him from the gurney, and then another, deep and throaty, as if not of pain but... something else, something that stirred the memories not only in Gary's head but also in his body. It was a shameful thing, to think about this sort of stuff now that Rob was in danger, maybe even dying, without any of them being able to help, and Gary bit the inside of his cheek to keep himself from either crying or cursing out loud.
He'd told him, he had fucking told him! And more than once, too, to stay away from any kind of food or drink while they were on the surface. Darmakia was a lush planet, full of green plants and flourishing natural life and their tourists resorts were known for their friendly atmospheres and the best organic food in the whole Alliance. But there were also lesser known places there, a little towns, hidden deep in the jungle, on desolated islands, places of shady businesses and sudden deaths.
They were to spend grand total of two hours in one of those infamous locations, enough to leave the port, get to the rendezvous point, drop the parcel and come back. The work had seemed easy enough and Gary was really only concerned about the recipient trying to play some trick on them, like maybe not paying for the goods or trying to do some last minute haggling, but the guy had seemed really nice, meeting them in the privacy of a function room in a club, offering them snacks and drinks. Which they, of course, politely refused. Or so Gary had thought. But now it seemed very obvious that Rob hadn't been careful enough – and that their employer of the moment had had something sinister in mind after all. Thank gods they were already in the space, but...
“Captain?” Mark's voice was soft and tentative, as if he wasn't sure what he wanted to say – and if he wanted to say anything at all. “I think... it kinda looks like...”
Gary huffed, taking his hands away from his face and glaring at the other man, annoyed with this sudden change of mood and stammering, but Mark's expression was of a strange sort and that was enough to calm Gary's temper.
“I think... I think I know what's wrong with him, what's causing all those symptoms,” Mark smiled weakly and nodded towards the gurney, waiting for Gary to look there, too. And Gary did, thinking he was ready for anything. But he wasn't.
“I'd always thought it was a legend, a myth the Darmakians made up themselves, to add an extra exotic touch to their already exotic planet, but it seems it was true, after all,” the smile in Mark's voice was much more evident now and Gary couldn't blame him. He felt like giggling, too, in a stupid schoolboy's way, giggling and pointing his finger at the very obvious way Rob's sheet was tented over his crotch.
“Yeah, it seems that the famous Darmakian aphrodisiac is true, after all.”
***
The relief that came with the realisation that Rob, wasn't in any real danger, washed over the two of them and left them a silly, giggling mess over the fact that the unconscious man was sporting a serious boner. After a moment, Mark rushed to fetch a proper blanket that would cover the evidence a bit better and spare Rob some humiliation, leaving Gary alone with his unruly shipmate.
All the laughing that they'd tried to muffle without much success, pulled Rob from his deep slumber, and he started stirring and moaning a bit more before his eyes cracked open, immediately finding Gary and almost physically clinging to him.
“Told you not to eat anything, didn't I?” Gary scolded him right away, but his voice was much too soft for the words to take the desired effect. He realised, just now, how much he he'd been scared for Rob's life, how guilty he'd felt – again – and how relieved he really was now that he knew the other man was going to be fine.
“But it was just few bloody cherries,” Rob's voice was weak and yet somewhat breathy, deeper and darker... exactly the way it was supposed to be in the state he was in. Gary shivered lightly; he so didn't want to think about anything sexual right now, not when Rob was... like this.
“What's wrong with me?” there was panic in Rob's voice now and on his face, and before he could think better of it, Gary was right next to the gurney, leaning down and squeezing the hand his friend reached out to him.
“You're fine, mostly. It was some sort of aphrodisiac, that thing you ate,” Gary let himself smile a little bit, fighting the urge to stroke Rob's cheek and try to smooth those deep lines of worry and fear around his mouth. “You're just... horny, about ten times the normal level. So you should just find some private place and... wait till it wears off.”
Rob nodded, his eyes still wide and staring at Gary without a blink. His pupils were dilated, giving his usually bright eyes the disturbing colour of a stormy sea and the touch of his hand in Gary's was burning the Captain's skin, making him shiver and making his breath hitch. There was just too much of a past here, too many memories, good and bad, and Gary wasn't sure if he was up to exploring any of those just yet.
“You think... you could stay with me maybe?” Rob asked quietly, his voice barely louder than a whisper. He squeezed Gary's hand and then twisted it a little so his thumb was now touching the inside of Gary's palm, drawing small circles and stroking gently the sensitive skin.
Gary frowned, glancing down at their joined hands and then back up, to Rob's face, to his shiny red, parted lips, to his nostrils flaring with every short, shallow breath... Rob was coming on to him, that much was obvious, but it was just the drug talking, the weird 'cherries' that he'd stupidly consumed, not the real Rob.
But there was also something else in Rob's eyes, something that wasn't the physical horniness, something that seemed to go beyond the artificially induced arousal. It was naked and raw, a terrifyingly honest glimpse of something that Gary couldn't – didn't want to – put his finger on, and so Gary hesitated for long few seconds, long enough for Rob to move his clever thumb all the way down to Gary's wrist and his pulse point.
The touch felt like fire and Gary held his breath, half consciously licking his lips and considering, and then Mark was back with the blankets, smiling lightly at Rob and, of course, berating him about his recklessness. The tense moment was gone and Gary gently freed his hand from his friend's grasp, smiling at him reassuringly and leaving the sickbay with the good old 'you're gonna be fine' on his lips.
It was better that way, he kept telling himself as he made his way to the bridge. Better and safer. For both of them.
He could deal with the memories and... urges later.
***
“Gary, we need to do something about it, and now!”
There were very few occasions when Jason would address him by his first name with other people around, even if those other people were just their crew mates, and this apparently was one of those times. The fact that he was all flustered and dragging a dishevelled Rob behind him also spoke volumes.
“Why did you bring him here? He's supposed to be in bed, sleeping it off,” Gary frowned at Rob, still wrapped in a blanket and looking positively miserable.
“Yes, I know he's supposed to, and yet he was in my cabin instead. Trying to get into my bed, to be more precise.” Jason was fuming and shaking Rob's arm a little as if to put even more emphasis on his words.
“What?” Gary could feel his eyebrows travelling all the way up to his hairline. He got up from the pilot's chair, leaving the log book alone and coming closer to his men. Rob looked feverish and out of breath, avoiding even looking his way, the familiar expression of a misbehaving boy making Gary's inside twist just a little at the memory of the past the three of them had spent in the world made of rules – rules that Rob had always challenged.
“I get it that he's... under the influence, but seriously, can't he have a nice wank on his own and without running around the ship half naked, making offers to whoever he meets. Or climbing straight into people's beds,” it was obvious that with the last one Jason had himself in mind, but his whole angry tirade make Gary frown again.
"Was he bothering Howard, too?" he asked, stopping himself before he could add the name of their other crew member into it. He didn't want to know if Rob had been bothering Mark, or rather - he already knew Rob had, and he suspected very well what was Mark's reaction to it, but it so wasn't the right time to start discussing Mark's attitude towards sex.
“Yeah, so he said. He told me that he went knocking on his cabin but there was no one inside, so then he thought it'd be fun to come and hump me while I was asleep.” Jason was calming down but his grip on Rob's arm didn't ease up even a little and Gary was pretty sure he was going to leave a bruise .
“Alright, Jay, you can let go,” he said, nodding at his officer's hand and he watched Jason reluctantly did so – and as Rob gasped ever so slightly and leaned towards the other man for a fraction of second, as if he was missing the harsh touch already, before he caught himself and shifted away, shoulders hunched, head turned to the side. Weird, Gary thought, looking carefully at Rob and taking in all the details, the flushed cheeks, the shiny eyes, the way his hands were fidgeting with the edge of the blanket, arms shifting, feet shuffling, just as if he was trying to rub against his cover, just as if it was something... nice.
“... and okay, I get that he 'can't help it' but seriously, can't we give him something, dunno, a sedative? So he could sleep it off?” Jason had been talking all the time but only the last of his words caught up with Gary, forcing him to pay attention, but he still noticed the small grimace twisting Rob's face.
“Can't take nothing, it won't work,” Rob muttered and Gary sighed, nodding a little.
“He's right, Jay, no conventional drugs will work on him.”
They all knew about Rob's clever nano-implant but it was a detail so easy to forget by people whose only vice was a synthetic whisky or occasional energy booster pill. Jason cringed, too, muttering a quick apology but then his jaw set again.
“What are we gonna do then? It's not like we can lock him up anywhere, apart from the airlock chamber maybe.” Jason crossed his arms against his chest and looked at Gary with a stony expression, but the captain could see that his anger was already switching places with concern. “And it's not that I feel terribly offended by the groping, but... you know,” he shrugged and yeah, Gary knew, he knew very well.
“I'll take care of him,” he said, rubbing his face with a tired gesture, already knowing it was probably the worst idea he'd ever had. “We have still about twenty solar hours before we have to ditch the autopilot and go to manual so you lot can manage without me. Just check the parameters every now and then and... tell the lads to stay away from my cabin,” he added with a small, crooked smile before reaching out to take a hold of Rob's arm, pushing him towards the exit. He could see the frown on Jay's face, he could see that his friend wanted to say something, perhaps to ask if Gary really thought this was a good thing to do, but Gary was having none of it. He couldn't risk any voice of reason that might try to talk him out of his little plan.
“I guess I wouldn't mind the airlock chamber all that much,” Rob muttered as soon as they left the cockpit and Gary had to chuckle softly at that, shaking his head.
“There's no way I'm locking you there, don't be daft.” He squeezed Rob's shoulder a bit harder, feeling small shivers running under the man's skin, even through the thick blanket. At first he thought it was a fever because Rob felt so hot to touch, with the warmth radiating from him, but then he looked up and right into those green eyes and what he saw there was need and want, longing and passion, and many other things that weren't even close to a sickness.
Yes, taking Rob to his cabin to watch over him personally really was the worst idea ever.
***
When he'd first set the foot on Patience, Gary had joked that he was going to shamelessly abuse the privilege of being a captain to claim the biggest cabin for himself. Then he and Jay had laughed their arses off when the biggest of the sleeping quarters had turned out to still be a size of a shoebox. It had the luxury of a proper bed, not one you'd have to pull out of the wall if you wanted to lay down and then push back into its hiding place if you wanted to have any room to walk around your tiny sleeping hole, but that was as good as it got. It was a tight space, squeezed between all the important machinery running through the entire body of his beloved ship, but the lack of space never really bothered him, as long as he had a bit of peace and quiet, and a door he could lock to keep the outside world away and have some privacy.
Now, however, when Gary opened the door to let Rob in, he realised just what he'd got himself into. His friend's broad shoulders, even when hunched as they were now, still seemed to fill the narrow space between the bed and the wall completely, the edge of the blanket brushing against all the bits and bobs Gary held on the deep shelf on the wall.
“You can take the bed and try and get some sleep,” he offered, clearing his throat as his voice suddenly sounded raspy. He closed the door, taking an immediate step to the right and to his 'work corner' – a tiny worktop fixed to the wall and a comfy, padded chair, very similar to the pilot's chair in the cockpit.
“What about you?” Rob turned slowly, glancing all around the cabin, at the bare walls, the ajar door of in-wall wardrobe, the jumble of various trinkets and books filling the couple of shelves, and finally at Gary by his chair. “Are you gonna just... sit there and stare at me?”
There was a slight edge to his voice, like Rob was trying very hard to be his usual self and taunt Gary in the usual way, but the words lacked the power, his shallow breathing and blown pupils making it all sound too soft and too deep and... too inviting.
“Yeah, something like that. Since we can't have you wandering around the ship because you're causing a commotion, I'll have to sit here and stare at you and make sure you're staying in the same place until you feel better,” Gary offered him a small, hopefully reassuring smile before shrugging his jacket off and draping it over the back of the chair. “Go on, Rob, lay down, relax. I can give you a book to read if you think you can focus.”
“Oh, I can focus alright, just not on books.” Rob kept on looking at him, his bright eyes sliding down Gary's torso and back up to his shoulders, his gaze so intense it made Gary's skin prickle. He cleared his throat again and sat down in his chair, getting busy with tidying his tiny desk for a while, waiting for Rob to lie down and stop staring.
“I'm sorry, Captain,” Rob sounded subdued now as he, indeed, climbed on the mattress, curling on his side and burying himself under his blanket. “I screwed up and you have to clean up the mess. As usual.”
Gary looked sharply at him, ready to scold him, to tell him to quit the bullshit, there was no 'cleaning up' any mess this time – but he stayed silent, biting his lip instead. Usual, this time – all those words hit too close to home, opened the door to a part of his brain he didn't want to visit, ever. The memories stashed there were supposed to stay there, forever, not to come out and start ruining things between him and Rob.
“Just get some rest,” he said instead, his voice low and calming. Rob hummed his agreement from inside his blanket cocoon before falling silent.
Gary turned the lights low and then sat back, closing his eyes to try and relax himself, and he didn't even notice when he drifted off. What woke him up was a low, painful sound that took a while to be properly processed, but finally he managed and identified it as a moan. Rob's moan. He jolted up, blinking his eyes furiously and trying to shake off the sleepiness as he moved to the bed, crouching by the curled up, blanket-covered shape.
“Rob, is everything okay?” he asked softly, reaching out to touch the man's shoulder. Rob jerked and then arched under his hand, letting out another low, muffled moan. Gary froze, knowing that sound all too well and able to place it now that he wasn't asleep any more. Those moans had nothing to do with pain.
“I can't, Gaz, I just... I can't,” Rob's voice was shaken and raw as if the other man had spent last few hours screaming his head off. “I need to... but I can't, I tried and tried but it's just not working,” there was so much desperation in his voice and then there was a hand, grabbing for Gary's through that damn blanket and holding onto it tightly.
Gary frowned down at the bundle of misery, not sure what to make of it all. Rob was horny, that much was clear. He was obviously trying to 'deal' with his body but, for some reason, he couldn't. And that was the puzzling part because, as far as Gary knew, his friend never minded an audience, never cared if someone could hear him or even see him. If he wanted to have a wank, he would have a wank, saying 'those who are eavesdropping should be ashamed, not me'.
“I can't get off, Gaz,” it was like Rob was just reading his mind, and Gary frowned down at him even more, giving his shoulder a gentle squeeze.
“What do you mean, you can't?” he risked the question. “Like, physically?”
“Yes! Do you know how it is when someone teases you and all that shit, starts and then stops and you're on a verge of coming but they won't let you, always stopping before you get there?” Rob's voice was getting stronger, he was speaking faster, breathless and almost babbling, the grip on Gary's wrist becoming stronger. “That's how I feel, with my own fucking hand, I can't... no trick works, nothing is enough, I'm not enough, I need...” he trailed off then, but Gary already knew what it was that Rob needed.
Rob needed someone else's touch, not his own hand, not his own attention. That's why he'd left the sickbay, that's why he'd tried to come on to the other guys. That's why he was so miserable now. It all made sense, if the fruit he'd eaten really was some sort of aphrodisiac. Darmakians had boasted for decades" now that they knew 'love magic' but Gary had never paid any attention to those claims. He was just a guy who sometimes flew to the planet to pick up few crates of insanely expensive potions and deliver them to yet another rich bastard who wanted to impress the ladies. But now he had proof that the Darmakian 'magic' really worked.
He was startled out of his musings by a sudden hot touch on his skin. Rob's hand wormed its way out of the blanket cocoon, and strong, inked fingers were now on Gary's forearm, moving up and down, and stroking his skin in a rather suggestive way. He looked down onto the bed, meeting Rob's eyes shining from a gap in his covers. The need he saw there was raw, almost painful, and Gary shivered, unsure of what to think of it – of what he should feel.
The memories he'd tried so hard to keep at bay flooded his mind now, and there was no way to shake them off, not with Rob right there, looking like that, touching him like that. The whole situation felt terribly dodgy, like he was abusing the fact Rob obviously couldn't control himself, but it was not enough to make him move away and Gary closed his eyes, taking a deep, shaky breath when Rob's fingers moved up his arm, sliding under his sleeve and stroking the sensitive skin in the crook of his elbow.
“Please...” one word, but filled with so much meaning, the voice low and raspy and revealing so much more than just a simple plea. “Please, Gaz, I need...”
It was so easy to just close his eyes and let go, let it happen, let Rob's fingers move further up, to his shoulder, to the side of his neck, the hot sweaty touch making his skin prickle. It was easy to lean into it, to drown the voice of reason under the loud sound of his pounding heart and Rob's fast breathing when his friend moved closer, crawling from under the blanket and pressing his chest against Gary's, latching his lips to the hollow of Gary's neck and sucking hungrily.
“I'll make it good, I promise, you know I will, just... just let me, please.” The voice was a low vibration against his skin, resonating through his body and making his muscles shudder in the most pleasant way. Gary reached out, grabbing for the other man, curling his fingers into Rob's sweat-drenched t-shirt, just holding on, still unsure whether to pull or push. But Rob wasn't stopping, he wasn't hesitating, his lips sliding up Gary's throat, kissing and nipping, hungry and impatient.
It seemed that Gary's stillness encouraged him because the next moment Rob was scrambling up to his knees, almost crawling onto Gary, pressing against him and pushing even more. Within a second the captain was losing his balance and falling backwards to land quite ungracefully on his arse and against the opposite wall. Rob took advantage and immediately crawled onto his lap.
“No, wait... stop.” The fall felt like a wake up call and Gary moved his hands up, trying to push them between their bodies and push Rob away, but his friend noticed neither the gesture nor Gary's words. He was pushing and pulling too, hands shaking and yanking at Gary's shirt, trying to get underneath while his lips moved frantically all over Gary's neck and up to his face.
“I want it, Gaz, I want you, I need you,” his heated whispers started turning into a low growl, the urgency changing the pleas into demands. Gary's jaw set as he turned his head to the side, trying to avoid Rob's kisses.
“Enough, get off me,” his voice hardened and he grabbed for Rob's hands, but Rob struggled, grunting and pulling at Gary's shirt even more while his whole body arched, hips pressing forward and against Gary's stomach, the hard cock digging into the tensed muscles. And it seemed like this one last thing set Rob off for real, like this tiny bit of actual friction made him lose his mind completely. He pushed more, forcefully snapping his hips and trying to topple Gary over, hands clawing not only at the clothes but at the flesh underneath and Gary cursed and then yelped in pain as his shirt gave in and Rob's blunt nails raked across his chest.
“I said stop!” he yelled, not trying to hold back any more as he twisted and turned in Rob's grasp, pulling his legs up as much as he could and then pushing them up and pushing the other man far away enough from himself that he could take a short swing and punch Rob right in the face.
Rob let go of him then, falling to the side with a painful cry, hands flying to his cheek, covering the spot where Gary's metal gauntlet landed just second ago. He curled on his side, cursing and gasping, but Gary didn't wait for the shock to wear off; he pushed himself up and grabbed for the other man once again. His hands were shaking, his vision tunnelling, adrenaline kicking in hard, and he all but yanked Rob back onto the bed, face first, squashing him against the mattress with his knee while he felt around the mess on the nearby shelf until he found something suitable for a makeshift restraint.
“I am not having any of it,” he muttered, jaw still set, hands shaking ever so slightly as he quickly pulled Rob's hands behind his back and, with a bit of a help of his teeth, tied them together at the wrists with what turned out to be his red braces. Only when he was done he finally noticed that Rob wasn't struggling but just lying there, letting it happen, his breath short and ragged, his face hidden in the pillow.
Gary moved slowly and got off the man's back, pushing himself up to stand on slightly shaky legs. He was still pissed off, he was still upset with the whole situation – a sexual assault, of all things! - but he was also shaken by other things, like the fact that hadn't minded it at first, that he had actually considered giving in, that he wanted what Rob wanted.
“Okay... okay, let's just calm down,” he muttered, rubbing his hand over his face. “I get that it's not you, that it's this stupid fruit you ate, but I can't have you trying... this, okay?” he huffed in exasperation, staring down hard at Rob's back and not getting much of an answer, apart from the small jerky moves of those broad shoulders and then something between a gaps and a hitch of breath.
The irritation was disappearing quickly and within seconds Gary felt more ashamed than angry, ashamed of his own weaknesses and the way he reacted. He had not only punched his friend but he'd just tied him like Rob was some sort of a criminal and... that just didn't seem right.
“C'mon, I'm sorry, I...” he reached out to touch Rob's hands but the other man jerked away from him.
“No, leave it,” Rob's voice was rough and strangely muffled, but sharp enough for Gary to back off. “Leave it, I can't be trusted, I... just leave me here, yeah? I'll be fine... in a bit.”
Gary actually stopped and thought about it, thought about leaving the cabin, leaving Rob alone and immobilised, so the man really was safe and secured, and off their back for next few hours. Gary considered it and then felt like a right scum for even doing so.
“Won't leave you, you moron,” he said then, the 'could never leave you' on the tip of his tongue but he swallowed the words, knowing immediately they'd hit too close to home for this situation. Instead he reached out to touch Rob's shoulder once again, ignoring the way the other man was trying to shy away from the touch. “Stop the nonsense, at least let me help you roll over, you can't breathe like that.”
Rob's body felt hot to touch, his t-shirt drenched with sweat and his muscles tensed, trembling under Gary's hand. But he didn't try to wrench himself away this time, he just let Gary roll him over and to his side, even though he still tried to keep his face out of sight, at the same time angling his hips to make his erection less obvious.
Gary frowned and gritted his teeth at the sight of blood on his white pillow. There was blood on Rob's face, too, and he leaned over his friend to see it better, not letting go of Rob's arm and not letting him hide his swollen, busted lip back in the bedding. There was a bruise already forming on his chin, and Gary swore softly, the irritation flaring again but this time it was directed at himself and himself alone.
“You could use an ice pack,” he said then, reaching out to wipe the blood off Rob's chin but stopping halfway before backing off. He wanted to help, he wanted to ease Rob's pain, the pain that he himself had created, but he had a feeling that his friend would only start rubbing against his hand and moaning again and... and it was as much of it as Gary could take right now.
“I'll be fine,” Rob murmured again, sounding anything but fine, and Gary just closed his eyes and breathed, slowly and deeply, inhale, exhale, push the emotions back down where they belonged.
“I'm not leaving you,” there was the stubbornness in his voice again, as if he was arguing with someone, with Rob, with Jay, with the whole world – and with himself, too.
He turned, reaching out for the blanket that was lying in a heap on the floor and he carefully draped it over Rob's body, only to lay next to the man right after. His movements were slow and careful, guarded, but he didn't try to put any extra distance between them, nor did he try to avoid any contact. He hesitated only for a second before placing his hand on Rob's shoulder, a casual friendly gesture that also kept their bodies apart in a natural way.
Gary could feel how his friend tensed under his touch and how he melted into it the next moment. There was a blanket between them but he still could feel Rob's bound hands shifting a little, fingers flexing and searching around until they met Gary's thigh. They pushed against the solidness of the flesh and then stayed like this, maintaining this indirect contact, and for a little while it made Gary think of holding hands.
“Is it better, like this?” he murmured, staring at the back of Rob's neck and seeing the muscles twitching there, tensing and relaxing as the other man shifted his position ever so slightly. He wasn't really sure if his idea was the right one or if he was maybe just torturing Rob like this, touching but not offering any real satisfaction, but just then Rob nodded, his messy hair rustling against the soft fabric of the pillow.
“You're gonna stay?” the question was a quiet murmur, the words slurred with the injured lip, but even with the roughness of Rob's voice, it was so clear that it wasn't just a question but a plea. Gary forced himself to just breath before his throat would start closing again.
“Yeah, I'll stay until it's over,” he whispered back and felt Rob's body relaxing even more, sinking into the mattress and into Gary's touch.
Gary moved his fingers then, the ticking sound of metal shifting, and he stared at his gauntlet resting right there, artificial fingers curled over the real flesh, dark fingertips resting right next to a long jagged scar that broke the smoothness of Rob's skin, starting as few thin lines under his jaw and flowing across to the back of his shoulder, becoming thicker and wider, and more gruesome.
Gary forced his eyes shut, swallowing thickly and fighting the urge to pull Rob closer, to hug him properly – or maybe to be hugged himself, in this weird indirect way. Rob wasn't the only one weak here right now; Gary was, too. But maybe, if he let himself lean on the other man, just a little bit, just for a moment here, maybe then everything would be easier, maybe just for a little while.
His head moved forward, slowly but steadily, and it didn't stop until his forehead rested against the hot sweaty skin of Rob's neck.
***
He came to some time later, unsure at first what had broken his peaceful slumber. Then he remembered everything that had happened, remembered Rob – and felt him against his side the very next moment. The warmth, the smell, the familiar huffing exhale, all that made him feel young again, young and at home, and Gary's lips twitched ever so slightly at the memory of that past happiness.
Then he opened his eyes.
He was on his back, sprawled on the mattress with his head pillowed in the crook of his elbow, and Rob was right next to him, facing him and pressing himself against his side. Their legs were tangled ever so slightly and Gary could feel the unmistakable hardness of his friend's erection against his thigh, could feel the damp touch of the fabric of his sleeve where Rob's lips were resting against his shoulder.
Are you drooling on me, Williams? he wanted to ask, but then the reality came fully back and yeah, they weren't just sharing a sleeping bag in the tent while stranded on some god forsaken planet. No, it was years later, they were on his ship, and Rob was high on some fucking aphrodisiac.
Gary turned his head to the side and was met with Rob's stare, the green eyes still heavy lidded, still clouded with the artificial desire. Rob was staring back at him but he wasn't moving, wasn't trying to rub against Gary, wasn't trying to kiss him. He was just there, curled against Gary's side, snuggled up to him the way he used to, all those years ago.
“It helped,” Rob murmured, his voice low and raspy, and somewhat apologetic. “I didn't... I just thought of how we used to sleep, sometimes. Like that. How I was able to fall asleep even when I was so fucking scared, just because I could be close to you like that. It helps now, too.”
Gary stayed silent, just staring back into those beautiful eyes, feeling his heart start to race, feeling the rumble of Rob's voice crawl under his skin and make his whole body resonate with it. It was unsettling, like an itch you can't really scratch, but at the same time it was also comforting, well known, safe.
Gary swallowed hard. He could barely remember the last time he'd felt safe like this.
“I'm sorry, Gaz. For being a tool again,” Rob kept on taking, his voice still a low steady murmur tickling Gary's skin. “I promised so many times... I want to be different, better, want to make it work. But then I just go and fuck it all up again and... maybe it's just me, you know. Maybe I'm just not good enough for it, maybe...”
“Shut it,” the words sounded shaky, strained and not threatening at all, not with his throat feeling tight again, and Gary just shifted, turning around to face his friend properly, reaching out to wrap an arm around him and keep him close. “Quit the fucking self-loathing, okay? Just stop... please.”
Rob still wasn't moving, staying put and looking straight into Gary's eyes, so painfully open that it made the captain want to look away, not out of discomfort but out of respect for the other's emotional nakedness. He'd done that many times before though and maybe it was too many times already. Maybe they should finally look each other in the eyes properly, once and for all, no matter how many drugs there were involved.
They were too close to really be apart, hips colliding, legs tangling together, and there was this violent shiver going through Rob's body the moment his hard cock rested in the crease of Gary's thigh. He arched his back, ever so slightly, his eyes fluttering shut for a second or two, and Gary sucked in a breath, moving his hand all the way up Rob's back and to his shoulder, to curl his fingers over it and squeeze hard.
There were so many things he wanted to say now, so many words crowding in his head, at the back of his tongue, feeling like a physical lump he just had to swallow around, time and time again. The words were all there, gathered through all the years spent apart, all the excuses and conclusions, all the theories and promises – and apologies. They were all there but none wanted to come out right now, and Gary just squeezed Rob's shoulder harder, feeling the artificial fingers digging into the taut flesh.
“You are good enough,” he said finally, and it felt like something heavy was lifted off his chest. “You are good enough, Rob.”
The green eyes widened, staring back at him with this odd mix of disbelief and hope, and Gary just couldn't take it any more, couldn't just lay there and stare back into the other man's bare soul. It was just few inches separating them and it took less than a second to close the distance, to let the lips collide, and so Gary just made it happen.
It was awkward at first, clumsy and shaky, Rob's lips uneven and tasting of blood, and Gary tried his best to be gentle and mindful, to fight his desperation, to fight the urge, but it wasn't happening. The kiss turned deep and messy really fast, Rob's tongue pushing forward and coaxing – demanding – a proper attention.
And just like that, everything was easy again, their bodies falling into the routine that wasn't really forgotten, not even after all these years, moving and shifting, accommodating one another and making them gasp and moan into that heated kiss. Rob struggled against his bonds but Gary did nothing to free him, too preoccupied with touching, with feeling. He pushed his hand between their bodies and, with a bit of fumbling, pulled out both Rob's and his own cock free, smirking at the way his friend arched into the touch.
It wasn't the most dignified way of taking care of the matter, it definitely wasn't the most skilful one either, but it was just the way it was supposed to be, rushed and needy, clumsy and messy, with too harsh strokes and erratic thrusting, hips barely keeping any rhythm, metal parts on the outside of the gauntlet catching against the sensitive skin of their stomachs as Gary held them both together, chasing for his own pleasure while giving some to Rob as well. It was all just like the old days, the moans muffled against each other's lips but heavy breathing impossible to hide, the whispered curses and pleas, the sweat breaking on skin making it all even hotter and messier.
If Gary had had a bit more brain capacity right now, he would have laughed at himself, at how quickly it all escalated and how quickly it was heading towards an end. Rob was there already, a few paces before him, moaning and trembling and curling against Gary, hiding his face in the crook of Gary's neck as he came, the orgasm seeming to be ripped from his body with the imperfect touch of Gary's fake hand. It was powerful and made Gary stop for a second, made him forget about his own needs as he watched in awe, and maybe that's why he let it happen, why he let Rob go as the other man started wiggling his way down the bed, still whimpering and shaking from his own release.
Gary let it happen and stared with wide eyes at Rob's tongue darting out, lapping at the mess he himself had made before finding Gary's cock and sucking it in. It was messy and clumsy, just like Gary's earlier handjob, but it didn't change the fact that it was just perfect, making him moan louder, making him arch off the bed and buck his hips, pushing further into the hot, wet mouth.
He forced himself to look, longing to see the dark head bobbing over his crotch, longing to see those pretty lips stretched obscenely, sliding up and down the hard flesh, longing to catch Rob's eye, the way he knew he would because his friend would always look up at him at some point, look up and do that thing with his tongue...
Gary cried out, the pleasure making his body spring up until he was sitting on the bed, all but curling over Rob's hunched form, and with the last conscious thought he reached out to yank at the ties over Rob's wrists, pulling at the knot and making it snap open. There wasn't much thinking after that, not with the pleasure ripping through him, with the orgasm hitting him hard and fast and then lasting forever.
Rob was right there though, still moving, still moaning his name, and Gary just let himself fall into the oblivion, just to float there for a while, riding out his pleasure, clinging to the other man and not thinking, for once.
***
He had no idea how much time had passed, if he maybe dozed off there for a moment or just relaxed so well that he forgot about the world and all of its existence, but when he came to again, Gary found himself curled next to Rob on the bed, their legs tangled helplessly, his face smushed in the crook of Rob's neck while the other man's strong arm was wrapped around him tightly, holding him close. There was this messy, wet sensation down his shirt, too, but he found it surprisingly easy to ignore, instead focusing on the sharp smell of sex and sweat that was clinging to Rob's skin.
“Captain,” Rob spoke suddenly, his voice low and raspy but not strained any more. Rob sounded calm, exhausted, happy, hopeful – all those feelings rolled into one perfect package and enclosed in this one simple word that never really sounded simple in his friend's mouth.
“I'm good,” Gary found his own voice just as raspy and he cleared his throat, shifting to press a hand against Rob's chest, not to push him away but to feel him, feel his heartbeat, feel the ribs moving with every breath. “You're good, too.”
Rob chuckled, a quiet sound rumbling deep inside him and resonating against Gary's palm.
“Like the old days, eh, captain?” he asked, his own hand moving slowly on Gary's back, stroking it through Gary's shirt. “Everything was so bloody simple then, so easy... I wished so many times it would all come back, you know? That we could go back there, to those times.” His voice got a bit darker, almost wistful, and Gary shook his head lightly, moving his hand up until his fingers rested against Rob's lips.
“Past is past, Rob,” he said, finally finding the courage to look up and at his friend. “We're here now, yeah? We can... work on it. We can make it what we want and how we want it.”
Rob was looking back at him, eyes half closed, giving him this relaxed and sated look, complete with lazy little smile that Gary more felt under his fingers than saw.
“An optimist, hmm? Was it Jay and his philosophy that put you into this lovely mind frame?” There was a soft teasing note in Rob's voice as the smile widened. “I'm not sure if it's a good thing, with all that stubbornness or yours. Like that one time, was it on Duex camp? When you decided we could take the higher level of test just because we were 'that good', but then me and Charlie went off for a drink the night before and there was this brawl at the cantine...”
Rob kept on talking, his voice a steady lazy murmur, and Gary just looked at him, his fingers resting now against the man's cheek, right next to those lips, the lower one swollen a little and the cuts on it still looking too fresh for comfort. But it was okay, it felt okay; it was Rob and Rob came with cuts and bruises and busted lips and shiners, and yet another silly tale to tell.
“Yeah, only you weren't really there when Charlie got attacked, it was Jay and me,” he finally interjected softly, making Rob frown at him in all seriousness. “You were in sick bay, remember? Because you went out the day before and got drunk on whatever shit the natives called whisky. And ended up puking your guts out for the next two days.”
“Are you calling me a liar, Barlow?” the frown got even deeper, comically so, and Gary couldn't help but to chuckle at that, the laughter soft and quiet but full of actual joy.
“Yeah, that's exactly what I'm calling you, Williams,” he answered, letting his fingers travel up Rob's face and to his cheekbone, sighing softly at the gentle scratch of the man's stubble against his fingertips.
Rob smiled back at him, with this soft beautiful smile that was so hard to spot on the man's face nowadays, and just for a moment there Gary let himself think that everything was going to be okay between them, once and for all.
“You meant it, didn't you?” Rob's question was barely louder than a whisper. “When you said I'm... good enough. You really meant it?”
Gary closed his eyes briefly, just as the weight of those words sat heavily on his chest for a few seconds. There was so much between them, the good things and the bad ones, emotions, needs, feelings, and they were all running deep, perhaps too deep to ever be properly uncovered, rooted out and regrown the right way. Things weren't going to be okay, not now, not anytime soon... but they were going to be fine. They were going to be fine.
That was as close to the happy as they could ever get.
“Yeah, I meant it,” Gary looked back into those pretty green eyes and saw them softening, shining brighter for a little while before Rob ducked his head, curling tighter against Gary's side.
***
What woke him up was the distinctive hum of the engine. He'd grown accustomed to this sound since Patience had become his home and he barely noticed it any more, but any change in it, such as engines stopping – or starting – would disturb his usually pretty sound sleep. The room was still pleasantly dark and Rob was snoring softly on the pillow next to him, long eyelashes fluttering ever so slightly with every exhale.
Gary looked at him for a long while, listening to the sound of his deep breathing over the murmur of the engine, and then he slowly untangled himself from Rob's arms and slid out of the bed. He tried not to make any sound as he got rid of his torn and messy shirt and pulled on a clean t-shirt, covering the telltale red marks on his chest. Then he tiptoed towards the door, stopping only for a second, to look at Rob one last time before leaving the cabin.
His head was weirdly calm, not something Gary had expected to be happening. Part of him felt all that had happened was a mistake, but there was another part, the one that was confident about his actions, confident about his ability to make it all work once again, one way or the other, that knew there wasn't going to be more unnecessary heartbreak coming out of this, and that part was keeping him whole in check, not letting any freakouts happen.
It was weird, not to struggle, not to push any unwanted emotions away, not to squash them inside, forcing them into this back room, behind a locked door – there was nothing to fight against right now in Gary's head and so it felt so light, so... peaceful. It was a nice change, he decided, smiling lightly as he walked towards the bridge and then suddenly changing his mind and turning towards the mess instead.
He didn't expect to find anyone there – Howard was most likely down in the engine room, either doing the usual maintenance on the ship or just listening to her breathing; Jason was in the cockpit, obviously, with Mark not too far away, double and triple checking the trajectories and orbits. They could do without him right now and he could do with some food... actually, he could maybe cook some proper breakfast for everyone since he was already there, right?
“Morning, Captain,” Mark's voice startled him and Gary almost jumped at the sight of the younger man sitting at the table, smiling at him from over the bowl of gloopy-looking high protein 'porridge'. “How's our unruly patient?”
“Good... asleep,” Gary cleared his throat, suddenly feeling slightly hot under Mark's innocent but watchful gaze. He considered making some funny remark, saying something about Rob being more insufferable than usual due to his intoxication, but somehow it made him feel strangely guilty to be joking about the whole situation after how he'd dealt with it.
He cleared his throat again instead and made his way around the table and to the small cooker there, grabbing a bowl as he went and quickly filling it with the porridge, and only then realising he'd have to sit down now at the same table as Mark and make small talk until they were both finished with their food.
“He was a handful, I heard,” Mark broke the silence first, even before Gary made it to the table, and the captain sighed with relief as he slid onto the bench opposite the younger man. Whatever Mark was going to say or ask about, no matter how personal or embarrassing, it would be easier to tackle if it was him starting the conversation.
“Yeah, he was more of a handful than back in a day, when he still could drink and was exercising that privilege to the max.” Gary smiled lightly, and met Mark's eyes as he started eating slowly. He wanted to talk, he had to talk to his friend, but suddenly the feeling of uneasiness was back, sitting heavily in his stomach, the familiar thoughts creeping in, ready to start bothering him as soon as he'd let his guard down for long enough.
“Gods, stop sulking like that, will you? I'd have thought that getting laid would loosen you up a bit,” Mark's words sounded casual but they were enough to make Gary gasp over his mouthful and then choke on a piece of gloop.
“Damn you,” Gary coughed and sputtered for a moment, glaring over at his friend who was just smiling in this lovely, bright and playful way of his. “How do you even know I got laid? Were you eavesdropping or something?”
“It doesn't take a genius to draw the conclusion, captain, Mark's grin got properly toothy at that. “I was the first in line of care, remember? Doing the whole medic thing on Rob when you left. Didn't take me long to figure out what he was going to need to feel better. I gave him a hand before I left him there, thought it might take the edge off for long enough, but it seems it didn't work all that well. Anyway, when Jay told me you're taking care of him in your cabin, it was really like him telling me you're off to get laid.”
Mark's tone was still light, as always, as he wasn't really bothered with the whole situation – and yes, of course he wasn't. It was Mark, it was 'the kid from New Canaan', a street-wise punk who tasted all kinds of sweet and sour before he even learned how to walk. Mark saw the world in a way none of them did, all the possible extremes turning into something quite bland and ordinary for him, after carving its way through him, inside and out. Gary knew all that but it was still an unpleasant surprise every time Mark's true nature would peek through the careful wraps of socially accepted layers the man learned how to put on.
“Does that bother you?” Mark's smile faltered and his brow furrowed as he looked at Gary with a real concern on his face now, noticing the impact his words had on his captain. “I suspected there was something between you two in the past and I know how people can be... sensitive and jealous over such things so I'm sorry if I overstepped my boundaries here. I didn't mean anything malicious, I didn't mean to be stealing your mate...”
“I know!” Gary had to actually rise his voice to get the word edgewise, with Mark shooting his explanations at him with a speed of light. “I know, Markie. I'm not jealous, Williams is not my mate, not in that sense, and whatever was in the past between me and him is not a problem and will never be a problem, for none of us,” he took a deep breath after that, as if he wanted to add something more but then changed his mind. The look Mark was giving him was somewhat doubtful and Gary wasn't sure if he wanted to know what those doubts were about – him not being jealous or his and Rob's relationship never causing a problem in the future.
“I just wanted to know that he didn't assault you,” he added then, ducking his head and stirring his porridge slowly, sensing Mark's frown turning into this curious brow arch right there on the other side of the table.
“No, of course not, captain. He asked and I offered, that's all that happened. It was nothing unpleasant for me,” Mark's voice was all smooth and matter-of-fact again, and the light smile was back on his face, too. All in all, he looked as if he was explaining something very much obvious to a small child, amused by the fact said child has such a limited knowledge about how things work. Gary just nodded, ducking his head and focusing on his food once again, trying to will himself out of his own mind frame, trying to remember it was Mark he was talking to right now, and Mark saw the world in a very different way.
“Well, at least, thanks to you, he figured out much quicker what it was he needed and could ask me for it. So I could... give him a hand,” Gary forced himself to speak again, to make his voice sound lighter as well, and with Mark's small chuckle that followed his slightly ambiguous remark, the tension started leaving him again.
“It all worked brilliantly then?” Mark took another spoonful and started munching happily; it looked like he was already moving on from the subject, since Gary wasn't angry with him and the problem itself was out of Rob's system at last. This was an ability Gary liked the most – and envied Mark the most – the way his friend could just let go of whatever unpleasant that had happened and move on, simply and smoothly.
“Yeah, for him it did. But it seems like I'm a hopeless case here,” Gary smiled, looking up at his friend. “According to your theory, I should be bright and chirpy right now and look at me, still worried, still sour, upper lip as stiff as ever.”
“Yeah, you truly are an exception,” Mark nodded solemnly, but there was a small smirk playing in the corner of his lips. “I thought that bit of a sex combined with actual emotion would make a difference for you but... can't be a genius here all the time, eh?”
It hit home, hard, making Gary's heart skip a beat and his chest tighten painfully for a second or two, but surprisingly enough, the smile never left his face, never felt any less sincere than before.
“It did make a difference, Markie... just not to my stiff upper lip, I suppose.”
Mark smiled wider and continued eating, not saying anything any more, and the silence felt like a comfort blanket, the distant hum of the engines only adding to the feeling of safety.
They were going to be okay.
“I don't think Howard is going to join us so maybe I'll take the breakfast to him,” Mark stood up, taking his bowl and carrying it to the sink. “It should be enough for Rob, too. I'll clean the dishes in a minute.”
“Don't worry about it,” Gary chewed thoughtfully, glancing at Mark with a small smile. “Or about any tidying around here, at all. I know it's your turn to do it but... Rob still needs to get punished for causing us all so much trouble.”